16 Weeks

Week: 16
Baby Size: Avocado (4in-5in)
Pregnancy Side Effects: Sensitive Stomach, & Sleepiness
Bump Status: My lower stomach is super hard, and when I lay on my back I can feel where the baby is! I have also been feeling more and more kicks!

Currently...
Eating: Fruit snacks, Pizza, Veggies, Sweets... (This baby throws me for a loop with how my eating habits are changed... Chicken is almost impossible to eat, along with most meats, and I just want crap food, but it never sits well, so I don't typically eat that either..)
Craving: Nachos, Cornbread, Ice Cream, Pizza, Cool Ranch Doritos....
Drinking: Decaffeinated Tea, Water, Juicy Juice
Wearing: Jeans, Leggings, Sweaters
Feeling: Wonderful! Sleepy!
Weather: VERY cold for December, but very refreshing.
Wanting: To sleep and cuddle all day while binge watching tv.
Thinking: About planning a new nursery for our baby girl Quinn and how to incorporate Liams things in it.
Enjoying: The dreams and realities of having a little girl.
Missing: Liam, especially more lately. Wanting to share all of this with him too. Missing warm yummy  coffee also...
Doing: Working, Exercising, and relaxing!
Looking Forward To: Starting nursery plans!










Justin has been working 6 days a week for awhile now and our only extra time off together seemed to revolve around doctor appointments. We were lucky enough to get to take a full 2 week vacation for Christmas. During this time we were also able to take a trip to Disneyland! Disneyland is a ridiculously special place for us. Im a Disney fanatic and my husband took me to Disneyland for the very first time ever when we first started dating. He eventually even proposed at Snow Whites wishing well. We've been back more times than we can count since then and made so many memories. We went while we were pregnant with Liam and it was so special to me. We also went with our other pregnancy, and we were happy to go for this one as well. Our original plan was to take our pups with us (Cassius, Laila and Nala). Cassius was recently diagnosed with Lymphoma and we didn't want to risk anything happening to him while we were gone and thought it would be a nice trip for all of us to experience together. Unfortunately, Cassius didn't live long enough for this. We made a decision to lay him to rest when his health took a quick turn for the worst. This was really rough for us. Cassius was the most amazing caring and protective dog. He was the absolute best with kids. Even in the short time he was with Liam he was so attached and concerned for him. We really planned on having him around when we started our family and always pictured him playing with our children. Like most things in our life, that plan did not fold out either. It may not have been Gods plan, or meant to be. Regardless, Im happy to feel that he is no longer in pain, and didn't that he didn't suffer. I also like to think that him and Liam are together; a little boy and his dog. The feeling in our home changed yet again, while the other two pups were adapting. Not wanting to leave their sides either, during our time off we did go forward with the Disney trip and brought Laila and Nala with us. It was bittersweet but special at the same time. They got to stay at the Disneyland Kennel Club while we made memories inside the park. We also visited Huntington beach for the first time with Laila. We are so thankful for these pups in our lives to help us smile and fill our days. The trip overall was such a blessing and a memorable time, especially while carrying this little skittle packet sized miracle!


During Christmas we were very excited to announce to all of our families (We both have divorced families that all live locally, so we typically have 4 or more gatherings for the holidays) individually with a special gender reveal cupcake that we are expecting a baby girl! We chose a family member at each stop to bite into a special cupcake to find that it was filled with pink sprinkles inside. It made it really fun and special for everyone around us. It made Christmas especially special for us. Christmas since Liam has been really hard. Its always nice to be surrounded by our families, especially because I know how close they are to Liam too. Its when we return home to an quiet house that it really sets in. A tree that should be covered with toddler gifts, and wrapping all over the floor. The day after Christmas when most were still off work, I ran errands passing houses and all I could think about was the joy that must have been inside of them. Kids that are playing with all their new things, parents joining in, just basking in the happiness of the day. It hit me pretty hard. What I would give to have that with Justin and Liam. He would be at such a fun age right now. Such a growing and learning age discovering new things and expressing him self more openly. I wish he could be here for this pregnancy and the welcoming of his new little sister. Instead it brings me joy and comfort to know he will always watch over her and us from above. As this pregnancy progresses I find that Im faced more and more with so many realities. So many different emotions that are hard to separate and justify. We want a family so much, but equally want Liam here with us as part of that family. I know that's something we cant change, but it will just always ache. I want this little girl to know every part of her brothers time with us, his story. Im also worried how much of a crazy mother Ill be with her in fear of everything that we had seen with Liam. I know Ill be more scared and cautious than normal. I know Ill see similarities and differences in them. I know I will relive a lot of really hard emotions and memories. I know it will take us awhile to adjust back in to active parenthood while adapting to parenting after a loss. My heart is just already filled with so much love and gratitude. It just also has a lot of grieving space for Liam that I don't think could ever be filled or replaced by anything else. I think at my absolute happiest, I will still feel incomplete without him. I also think that's okay. That's just how it will be and there will still be plenty of room in my heart for all of the love and happiness to come. One big, complex, deep, strong, and loving family.


I'm excited for the weeks to come. So happy to be at a place with this pregnancy that isn't as terrifying second by second as the beginning weeks. Even with the rougher symptoms that Ive experienced with this pregnancy, Im just as happy and content as can be, enjoying each and every moment of it especially since her little kicks and movements have been occurring daily. :)


Thank you all for your love and support for us all during this journey! I hope to continue sharing many more happy happy updates!

Bump Bliss: 10 Weeks

Week: 10
Baby Size: Hershey Kiss
Pregnancy Side Effects: Nausea, Food Aversions, Exhaustion, Embarrassing Emotional Crying Bursts...
Bump Status: Bloat... But The Bottom Of My Stomach Is Feeling Harder!

Currently...
Eating: English Muffins, Fruits, Veggies, Pizza
Craving: Mashed Potatoes w/Gravy, Sushi, Pizza
Drinking: Iced Water, Decaf Green Tea, Juice
Wearing: Jeans, Hoodies, Leggings, Jammies
Feeling: SO Happy, Thankful, Grateful, Tired, Hungry
Weather: Cold Crisp Mornings With Beautiful Sunrises, Really Enjoying The Weather Cooling Down. :)
Wanting: A Vacation
Thinking: About Names, Nursery Ideas, Holidays
Enjoying: Being Pregnant Period
Missing: Energy and Motivation
Doing: Work, Etsy Designs, Gym, Lots Of Relaxing With My Pups and Husband
Looking Forward To: Thanksgiving, Our First OB Appointment, Hitting The 12 Week Mark


As of Monday November 14th (9 weeks along) we graduated Red Rock Fertility Center and will now begin seeing a regular OB! I was also finally instructed to stop all my medications ( I was still on estrogen 3x a day, estrogen patches, & progesterone shots) except for my prenatal and baby aspirin. Baby looks healthy and is growing perfectly! This was a milestone I so badly wanted to reach! It was such a powerful happy day. This pregnancy has been a roller coaster, but is calming down, and going GREAT.


My previous pregnancies, I was nauseas like clockwork at 6 weeks, and lasted for only 1 week, happened during the morning only, and was manageable with ginger gum. This pregnancy, I have been nauseas since week six, it lasts almost all day, my Dr gave me a prescription to manage it, and I still have it in waves at 10 weeks. My previous pregnancies, there wasn't a lot of food that really turned me off, I just preferred fruits and vegetables. I drank almost 3 liters of water a day, and one Juicy Juice box a day. This pregnancy, this Hershey Kiss Baby, HATES meat and almost all food. I have never experienced such food aversions. I typically LOVE room temperature water over iced water. This baby will only accept iced water which makes it harder to drink as much as I should. Food-wise, nothing hardly ever sounds good. The second something does sound good, I try to indulge, but it usually ends in me just never wanting that particular food again. I'm usually ALWAYS starving... Its added a lot of challenges to our normal meal prepping and planning. But! As of this week, I've learned that the baby likes hard boiled egg whites, fruits and vegetables so that is what we will have. Along with a pack of Gushers every now and then because well, lets face it, this baby does take after its mother a bit already too....... ;) Overall, This pregnancy has been great to me. As the weeks go by I'm finding more and more peace and confidence that's slowing taking the place of fear and anxiety. I know Ill never feel carefree and easy going during any pregnancy again, but I'm really grateful to be at a place where I'm not panicking and over analyzing every twinge and symptom anymore. I've been so hesitant to share and be open with the pregnancy part of this journey so far. Its still surreal and I still have tears when I really let myself believe that its happening and that in June of next year we could actually have a newborn home with us, healthy and happy. I could bask in those dreams all day. But for some reason its harder for me to accept that it could actually be finally happening in our real lives. I've been trying to just really let my guard down and accept that I can be happy and relieved, but the realist in me knows how quickly everything could change. I know I shouldn't think like that, and Its not what I focus on, the fear is just always there. It just constantly forces me to remind myself of everything I have to be happy and thankful for today, everyday and for where I am now. I'm thankful for each and every day I'm pregnant with this amazing little miracle baby. I love watching his/her progress through sonogram. Love seeing how much he/she grows each visit. I'm really looking forward to going back to my previous OB and seeing our little one again on Monday. <3


Pregnancy after miscarriage is different. Pregnancy after losing a child is different. Pregnancy via IVF is different. But here we are. Living and embracing it. I'm so thankful that IVF worked for us. I'm so thankful to be pregnant. I'm really looking forward to the season upon us and the upcoming holidays. Its refreshing to be so purely happy.


A million times, thank you all. We love you all. I look forward to sharing many happy bump updates with you all!

IVF w/PGD Round 3 Timeline (FET Only)

July 29th 2016 - Began birth control pills.
September 3rd 2016 - Last Birth Control Pill.
September 7th 2016 - New CD1
September 8th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood Work.
September 9th 2016 - Begin Estrace, once a day.
September 12th 2016 -  First Acupuncture Appointment
September 13th 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC (Lining was a , Increase Estrace, twice a day,
September 15th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
September 16th 2016 - Increase Estrace, three times a day, added Viville Patch, and low dose Aspirin.
September 19th 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC. Lining was at 6.3mm. Dr added additional dose of Estrace (4 total) a day.
September 20th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
September 22nd 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC. Lining was at 8.7mm. Dr was happy with lining, Estrace went back down to 3x a day. Transfer Date was set for 9/27. Began Crinone and the progesterone in oil injection to daily meds.
September 27th 2016 - TRANSFER DAY! - We had an acupuncture appointment a few hours before our transfer. We transferred a 5AB-XX (Girl) and 5BB-XY (Boy). Then we were back home for two full days of rest.
September 30th 2016 - Hormone Check, Progesterone 29.58, Estradiol 417.6.





October 10th 2016 - Pregnancy Test Day/Beta, First beta was 1204!!!! BFP!

Approved for Round 3!

Oye what a roller coaster this has been! A lot of things happened after our failed 2nd round... After the initial shock of it all, some serious depression set in, a lot of doubt, a lot of self pity, a lot of anger - just a lot of bad. I had to rebuild myself all over again, again.


Thankfully on the good side, I still have 7 healthy perfect embryos. I also felt ready to try again, because I know I have to if we want our family. The challenges include the fact that Im almost at my lifetime max with fertility treatments from my insurance. Once the maximum is met all charges associated with my transfer would come our of pocket. We were ready to start a new round in August. My clinic contacted me to let me know that in order to have insurance help with this next round, all of our previous claims would need to be finalized which could take up to 90 days. So, I went back on birth control, and waited for the call saying we were ready to begin. Thankfully, in early September we got the call that everything was finalized and that balance with insurance was enough to fully cover our third transfer. (WHATTT!?) We were so thankful that we wouldn't have to come out of pocket! Even more so, I had a lot of medication left over from my previous round due to my insurance requiring 90 day refills for some of them. This round would cost us practically nothing! What a blessing. What great news. So, our next round is covered, paid and set to begin soon!

The Love.

They say a picture is worth a million words. I couldn't agree more, but what I didn't expect is the flood of emotions that it can also be associated with one single photo. I've said it before, and Ill say it again, I'm beyond thankful for all the time I spent photographing little Liam James.


It feels like an eternity of standing still has passed by since the days that I had a newborn to have and hold. How quickly your life changes as you realize you have this teeny tiny perfect human to take care of, that's incapable of taking care of itself, and only wants your time, love, and care. Your previously peaceful existence is now filled with a constant need to ensure everything is done for this child. When he sleeps, you barely sleep. When he's away you swoon and concern yourself with his every move and sound questioning if he's okay or trying to decipher what he wants. Not to mention the hours that you get lost in just staring at their miraculous perfection. I was so scared of forgetting  what that would feel like. I expected to have additional children by this time to help me remember.

When I look back at pictures like this, It all just hits me again. We only had a month at home together, but that month was so fulfilling. I remember waking up in panics just wanting to make sure he was still here with us, breathing. I remember rocking him asleep as he would rebelliously look around his room while exploring his own fingers, wiggling them, intertwining them.  I remember just watching in awe and pulling him closer just to smell him more. I remember his warmth. I remember how he fit so perfectly in my arms. I remember the satisfaction of successful feedings. I was so happy to nourish him, and he enjoyed it so much. This little babe, only wanting milk and to be held. So simple. 


I remember the feeling of having so much love in my heart. Its such a different kind of love. You have love from your parents, family, and friends. They care for you; make you feel loved. You have a type of love from your significant other. That's a love that is valued differently because they have a choice to choose to love you without any obligations. Its a sacred, respectful, honored love.  You even have a special type of love from a pet. It may seem silly if you don't have a pet, but believe me, this is a need to feel needed type of love. Your pets love you unconditionally. They don't know any better, they just love, and you're their human, receiver of their love. The love from a child, is different than all of these.  You are the entire world to a child. They have known, trusted and loved you since before they were born. When they are born you are "home" to them. The rhythm of your heart soothes them. The sound of your voice reassures them. They look for you first when they wake up and greet you with the most innocent happy smile when they see you because you're their parent. That is a strong powerful pure type of love. I truly don't think you could imagine it without actually feeling it from a child.


That is what I miss. I miss his love. I miss feeling so loved from such a tiny beautiful person simply because I was his mom. Its indescribable. I can spend all the time in the world with my nephews and nieces, and they love me too, and I share special feelings and time with them. But at the end of the day, they too, just want their mom. That's when I'm reminded that, that's not me. And I envy the love that those Mom's feel from their children. I wanted to be that mom for Liam - forever. A picture like the one above, my life was complete. My heart was full. I had my husband, my pets, and my son close to me. This was everything I'd ever wanted. Now its a memory. I'm blessed its a memory I've gotten to experience, and Ill cherish forever.

Shots, Hormones & Turkey

Another step forward!


Big news! This week my medications arrived!!! And - Wow. Its a bit intimidating. First of all, after my insurance, the cost was $3000.00 just for what you see in the picture below and is not included in what was paid for the IVF package. Luckily we qualified for a discount and got it lowered a bit, which I am very thankful. I tried to ask over the phone what I was paying for. I couldn't even understand the prescription names they were naming off. My anxiousness drove me to look up the names that I guessed they were to see what I was in for. After an overload of information, I decided to just chill, and wait it out so I don't work my self up over side affects and risks. So, a few days later this box arrives and in contains the following.

21 Injections -

• Menopur Injections 10
• Pregnyl Intramuscular Solution - 1
• Gonal-F Injection Pen - 6
• Cetrotide Injection Kit - 4

3 Tablets -

• Azithromycin Tab 500mg - 2
• Fluconazole Tab 150mg - 1

Red Rock Fertility Office Visits

• Countless.....

21 INJECTIONS!? EEK! I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a bit of a pity melt down of "Why us!? Why does it have to be this way? Why is this so much and so hard!? Why cant I just get knocked up and have healthy babes like its supposed to be?" - and so on and so forth. Gahhhh.... But. This is the road we are on. This is the journey we are in. I don't know if this is where we were "destined" to be or not, but this is where we are. I have the strongest, most understanding and caring husband by my side and a million blessings to be thankful for. So, I took a deep breathe, and decided not to worry about the shots until I have to. Which, will be the week of Thanksgiving. I will be scared. It will hurt. Its not romantic. Ill be a hormonal mess and most likely bloat up like a balloon from what I've been hearing but you know what? I. Don't. Care. Ill do whatever I need to do. The pain and emotions will be worth it in the end. This is our opportunity for a family. One that I hope to have and watch grow and age. If it weren't for science, we may have had to go through much, much more loss and tragedy if we would have even had the courage to try at all. I'm very thankful that we have this opportunity at all. It may not work round one. It may not work at all. But It may! It may work on our first try. We may even get two for one! Whatever the outcome is, I have, very little, if any, control over it. So, in my opinion, its not anything I should worry about (saying and doing are two completely different things, but I'm trying!). I'm trying so desperately to not look at this as a "last chance" but instead as a great opportunity at a miracle. It could happen!


So, in the next coming weeks, while most will be baking for their families, sharing turkey dinners with the sounds of children playing in the background, and black Friday shopping to build an inventory of surprises for Christmas morning, Ill be experimenting with injections, trying to not torture my husband with raging hormones, and missing my baby boy - wondering what he would look like now, what he would be getting in to, and what his personality would be. Liam is so, so genuinely missed in everything we do. Every event or holiday we go to (amongst everything else) feels wrong. Its obvious that he is missing and its hard. But this is what life and the holidays are for me, for my husband, and our family. There's nothing to be done to change it. I have accepted that. The grief and sadness will always be with us. This doesn't mean that we cant be happy too. With WHOLE hearts we feel it all. We hurt, love and miss Liam. We are scared and excited about what the future could bring. We are happy for all of the love and support we have from each other. We are grateful to begin the very real steps of IVF in hopes to announce a new addition next year. I am overwhelmed with all the love I have for my nieces, nephews, and cousins. Through them and my friends children, I have been able to embrace my maternal side. For this too I am so thankful. I'm proud that I haven't been too hardened over the recent years. I'm blessed to still be able to see and feel so much love.


I wont pretend that the sadness and pain doesn't exist. It does very, very much so. It exists in every smile, every memory, every happy moment, every beautiful moment, and grows stronger when bad times arise. I accept it. And I'm still able to find a happy. I'm in love. I'm okay.  I'm still able to see the beauty in so many things. I soak up all the happy moments and pause to soak them in. I embrace everything that makes me happy no matter if its a stupid laugh from the most recent ridiculous thing the Kardasians have done to hearing my nieces read a poem about love off my refrigerator together in perfect harmony while thinking no one can hear them. I am happy. I am blessed. I am going to go into this with the most positive outlook that I can. I just ask that those around me can be compassionate and patient with us. There's a lot on the line these upcoming months. Emotions are high and I have no idea what to expect. Love with us, laugh with us, and please hope and pray for us.

Follow Up Consult - The Course of Action

We finally had our follow up appointment to review all of the diagnostic testing we completed over the last month! All of Justin's tests came back normal. Use your imagination here so I don't actually have to type out what "tests" these are.... Let just say, all requirements needed by Justin are met, and he is good to go. ;)

My tests also came back great. Everything was normal except a high Vitamin A (not a bad thing I guess... Just unusual?) and my egg quantity was high. I was distracted and overwhelmed with excitement so I didn't really take that in, and assumed, more eggs equal more eligible embryos! Well... Apparently this is not the case. A condition known as PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) was brought up. I missed this completely during the consult. It wasn't until I got home and thought about it that I actually looked it up. Im not going to really dive in to all of that right now... Its still hard for me to even believe, although it could explain a lot. I want to review it in more detail with my Dr before taking it too seriously. Regardless, they said it wont have any affect on our success rates or IVF outcome.

But all other systems are a GO! This IS great news. I was also able to have a timeline wrote out for our "IVF Treatment Plan".

1. 1.Begin Birth Control Pills for the next month (right along with the prenatal I've been taking for years). This way they will know when to schedule the following steps and procedures.
2. Late November I will have an appointment to learn how to administer two injection shots. Then I will begin the 10 day process of those injections. I will be using Gonal-F (This medication is used to treat certain fertility problems in women. It provides the hormone (FSH) that helps cause the ovaries to produce eggs. This medication is usually used in combination with another hormone (hCG) for the growth and release of a mature egg (ovulation)) & Menopur (This medication is used to treat certain fertility problems in women. It provides follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteinizing hormone (LH) that help healthy ovaries to make eggs. This medication is usually used in combination with another hormone (human chorionic gonadotropin-hCG) to help you become pregnant by bringing about the growth and release of a mature egg (ovulation)). They seem similar in their descriptions, but I guess both are needed.
3. I will then have three appointments within that week to monitor how the injections are cooperating with my body. Blood work will be tested at each of these appointments.
4. Mid December I will have my retrieval (when they retrieve eggs, create embryos and grow them.) After the embryos are at a certain stage they will complete the PGS and PGD testing on them (PGS is to check the overall chromosomal normalcy in embryos. PGD is to test for our specific genetic condition)
5. Late January Ill have two more blood tests and should have embryo results including how many eligible embryos we have.
6. Late January/Early February I should expect to transfer the remaining eligible embryos!

I am really really grateful and happy that we are this far. I'm incredibly thankful for everyone that has helped us get this far and for everyone's continued support and prayers. This timeline feels like a really long road to travel. Especially because we started the beginning steps for this journey in July. Now the soonest (best case scenario) pregnancy we could hope to have wouldn't be until February. Eight months in total. This in the grand scheme of IVF things, it actually a good turnaround time. Its just really emotionally draining on our end still. The timeline is a bit of a  trigger for me because our first attempt of "trying" after we lost Liam resulted in a pregnancy in January and was unsuccessful. During Liam's first birthday, I was stuck in a 2 week wait period hoping for another pregnancy. A pregnancy that came, and should have been due December 12th of this year. Feeling the added grief of Liam's birthday on top of the stress of a new pregnancy at the same time is really, really hard. Not to mention the stress and constant pressure to stay calm and peaceful (which really just adds to your stress) during this sensitive time in the pregnancy, feels like insanity. I really really really was hoping for a pregnancy that was far enough along that I could feel a little more confident about it while embracing the two year anniversary of Liam's birthday. I really don't want to sound ungrateful. I am SO GRATEFUL. But if I'm being completely honest with myself, having faith for new life while honoring and grieving a loss is conflicting. It feels so unnatural and overwhelming. I would put if off, but I don't feel that it would make a difference. There will always be something. Some type of trigger or event that will make me feel this way. I think its just another part of the process. I just need to hold my head high, keep having faith, and do everything in my power to have a successful IVF round. I know we are making huge steps towards our future. I am really blessed to have such amazing people in my life. I'm thankful for our success rates and for how far we've already come. I don't know how anyone could do this on their own. Im so happy to have the amount of supporters we have. I know Liam's with us every step of the way.

Looking forward to many positive, happy, and productive posts to come!

Cycle Specifics, Genesis Consult and Insurance Challenges

After our consult we agreed to a series of appointments to check our hormones, general health, sperm quality, uterus and more. It started with blood work (a lot of blood work), a "Schlosser" sample from my husband, and a Physical Exam/Gyn Ultrasound for me. Then there were "cycle specific" tests that had to be scheduled around my specific cycle. Once that started it led to a son-hysterogram, more blood work, and finally a Hysteroscopy. That was a fun week. All the tests were split on different days. Sometimes we went to Red Rock Fertility twice in the same day. I was so greatful to have a boss that was understanding and flexible with my schedule at work. Luckily my husband had the same flexibility so I didn't have to do anything alone. A great rock that Mr Schlosser... As of now, all the tests are done, and they have the results. We have a follow up consult later this month review everything, pay in full (welp... ) and start the actual process.

That same day, in between two other appointments, we had our over the phone consult with Genesis.
Since they were sent all of the information on September 8th, I assumed the 4-6 week expectation of the probe completion started then. It did not. Genesis would not begin any part of your process until they are paid in full. We actually had to pay them to even get this over the phone consult scheduled. $4000.00 and three weeks later, we got our consult. They explained that they would need cheek swabs from us for DNA, and requested to use a sample from Liam for DNA. I understand this sounds morbid and awful. These are the things they just sort of throw at you in situations like this. What are you going to do..? Refuse? Cry? Get even more frustrated? For what....? So... After the blow of hearing that request out loud, we consented. This would give them the best picture of the exact breakdown of the disorder and would give them every best chance of screening for it using the probe. It was essential. In a way we were lucky to even have any type of anything left from Liam. Not everyone even has that option. We were grateful. Also knowing Liam had a part in helping us with his future siblings gave me a bit of comfort in a way. By the following week, they had the DNA they needed from everyone, they were paid, and were officially starting the process. It would take an estimated 4-6 weeks for the probe to be complete. I hope its done by our follow up appointment, and we can start the process as soon as possible.

After our consult with Red Rock Fertility, I began the process to have IVF approved through my insurance. My employer is great. My insurance is great. The fact that the wording is so specific enough in our actual contract is cruel. They denied our request. Even though my policy specifically says

"Criteria for coverage of embryo genetic testing prior to implantation: Either donor has an inherited disease or is a documented carrier of a genetically-linked inheritable disease"

they still denied us. We literally had documentation of both of us being carriers and effected children. Even if they would have approved that part, there was still the 20k they would not. We appealed. I wrote a letter explaining everything, had it proofread, included letters of recommendation from my OB and two genetic counselors, and included all of the documentation proving our condition. The medical staff that helped are highly accredited in Nevada. I felt SO hopeful for this. But, It too, was denied. After our family pleaded to help us, we opened a GoFundMe account to help with costs. If it wasn't for the love and support of our family and friends, I truly do not know what we would do. (You know who you are & Thank you). 

 Hopefully all goes well on our next appointment. I'm already getting so anxious about starting everything. I'm so excited to begin, and possibly be that much closer to having another child. I'm also getting really nervous from all of the horror stories that I've heard of others enduring during this process. The injections, medications, side effects, etc - Ugh... I used to think that IVF was an "easy" alternative - just expensive - for those who were battling infertility. I had no idea what these women were expected to go through. I had no idea the emotional toll, success rates, demanding scheduling and the actual physical pain involved. I never really gave it much thought at all until it applied to us. If I've learned anything in the last year, its not to judge people... No matter how "easy" it seems things came to them, or how "happy" them make their life appear - There's always more to it. Its not really anyone else's business anyways. The perfect seeming couple with two adorable perfect children that I seem to ALWAYS notice at the grocery store - Theres no telling what they went through for their family. How their relationship really is. Why waste time on feeling bitter when I don't even know their story or struggle. Maybe there isn't one and they are just lucky and perfect, and if thats the case, good for them too! We could all be so lucky. I'm finding so much peace in letting things go. Especially the things I create in my own assumptions that I let bother me. I have too much good in my life to worry about anyone else. I want to stay in my own little bubble with my close family and friends. They make me happy. They are what I care about. I hope this process is KIND to me. In the meantime, I'm going to try and have sane person thoughts and not let my self get overwhelmed with the constant urge to reproduce and nurture.

The Hope

Justin and I have been pursuing IVF with PGD. We've had our first appointment and got to sit down, fully comprehend the full depths of the process, and all the associated costs. I’ve seen "estimates" and "averages" before, but when it’s all on paper, with your name on it, in front of you - wow. It’s unbelievable. It should never have to come to a situation like this. For anyone. The costs would be more than all we have. If we finance, we put ourselves in a monthly situation that we wouldn’t be able to afford, let alone with a baby. It would take years to pay off, with interest, and so on and so forth, consistently setting ourselves back. I’ve exhausted every avenue to get it covered. My insurance will not cover it. Even after medical documents showing why we are doing this (not for infertility), letters of recommendation from genetic counselors, highly rated OBs, etc - They are a hard no. They won’t even consider covering a part of it. My insurance is already denying so much of our medical debt because anything regarding genetics is apparently "experimental". It’s unbelievable.
I have never even thought about genetics or what it meant to be a genetic carrier. Its such a small amount of people that are affected, but wow is it an overlooked tragic situation that there is very little support for or awareness around.  I feel the same for those who are infertile. I'm so saddened by all of the obstacles that people have to face to begin a family. Its devastating. It's times like these that I'm so thankful to have all the family and friend that I do have by my side.


On top of the outrageous cost, there's a chance that I don't even get pregnant through IVF or that the pregnancy doesn't thrive. Its so much to have weighing on you at once. But all I can think about is, if it does work, and we are lucky enough to have a successful pregnancy, I'll know that they will be IIAC free and will have even greater chances of being completely healthy because of all the care that will go into the process. As stressful as ALL of this is, it’s a chance I’m willing to take. My aunt and sister have been encouraging us for months to open a fundraiser to allows those that would like to donate to help us with costs. I’ve put it off until I’ve exhausted every other avenue I could. While I was appealing a previous insurance claim, I received a call from my insurance representative who said "Your claim has been approved" and I asked her if this was the IVF w/PGD Claim and if it was covered in full and she replied "Yes". In that one moment, the financial weight of everything was lifted and suddenly my perspective of it all changed completely. Like there was nothing holding me back. Unfortunately, this was a HUGE error and miscommunication on her part, and in no way was my appeal approved. She was referring to a lab test that was from May that was a whopping $600 which is going straight to the lap to pay that outstanding debt. I think that's when I realized the truth in what I was most worried about. The money. Of COURSE. In that moment I was right back to feeling like it was completely impossible and that all odds were against us. Should we risk everything for this? Would it be worth it if we just finance it and risk everything for a situation that's going to be even harder on us in the future? Maybe I should take a step back and let those who are so willing to help us - help. Maybe it is okay. Maybe it will be worth it to just go into it knowing that not only we can come out of this with a new perfect addition to our long time anticipated family, but still be in a place where we can provide for them as we have always dreamt of. The way we have worked this hard for the opportunity to do so.


It’s with high hopes that we can go into this, with as little stress as possible, knowing the power in numbers, surrounded by all of those that love and support us and have nothing but a positive mindset. Our goal is to take home a healthy baby to a loving home without the burden of endless debt just as we intended with Liam. I have no idea of what’s to come. But I know that we will do everything in our power to make this happen. I need to know that I've tried everything. Right now, we are going to move on with IVF w/PGD regardless of what it takes. If you'd like to contribute or share, it would be much appreciated more than I'd ever be able to express.  I want to say "THANK YOU" to everyone that has been on this journey with us, and has been there supporting us every step of the way. All of the loving gestures, kind words, long conversations, prayers and positive energy is so appreciated and comforting. We are forever grateful.


The link to donate is below.  I hope and pray and am at the mercy of fate that we can be lucky enough for this to work for us. Thank you in advance for all kind wishes, support, and shares.


https://www.gofundme.com/forjustin-tracey

Red Rock Fertility Center Consult #1

After healing mentally and physically since my D&E surgery, we made an appointment for a consult with our in network fertility center. The date was set for September 8th. We anxiously arrived, and met with a billing coordinator, and soon our doctor. She had all of our information and relayed it back to us. She spoke simply and clearly, which was a relief. Its a constant struggle trying to explain genetics to people in general, insurance companies, etc, let alone to understand it all your self. She explained to us the process in detail. That part I was already familiar with. Then she explained that we would have to also work with Genesis who would build a probe specific for our disorder and perform the genetic testing. I don't know exactly what a "probe" is but I can understand that fact that that's what's needed to perform the genetic testing. We already had our genetic test results with the breakdown of our genes from Liam, myself, my husband, and our most recent loss Baby Boy June. This had put us ahead several weeks. The testing for that alone is usually $1500 each and takes weeks to get results from. Since we already had this, our Dr sent it off to Genesis so they could start our probe immediately. It could take 4-6 weeks to complete and they would be in contact. After briefly explaining Genesis's part in the process, we talked associated costs.

There was a price sheet in front of us, with our names on it, with rows of tests to be performed. The first were some preliminary tests to check us out thoroughly to make sure we are good candidates for the process. Our insurance covered their percentage of these tests because they were not part of IVF but part of the process to start IVF. In total, all of the preliminary stuff cost us $1000.00. Then there were the PGD costs of $4000.00 that would need to be paid to Genesis. Then, the actual IVF cost from them would be $16,000.00 and $2,000.00 - $10,000.00 in medication. We were looking at $20,000.00 - $30,000.00 to TRY AND GET PREGNANT.

It was a very defeating appointment. Again, miraculous, but defeating. The cost was out of our means, would set us back, added so much stress to how we would even be able to afford to take care of said miracle child, and all if this was for a chance... Not even a guarantee. No refunds. A chance. She did say that our chances of a successful pregnancy was over 80%. That was a statistic that I was happy to hear. I had seen worse odds than that. But my pessimistic side reminded me abruptly that our original odds of conceiving a healthy child was 75% and we couldn't manage that... Ouch. Well.. It is what it is... After a quiet mind blown evening of processing everything with Mr. Schlosser, we decided we would begin the approval process with our insurance (hopefully get it all or some approved) and move forward with the process.

Life Moves Pretty Fast Standing Still

I wanted to give a bit of an update on the exciting world of Schlosser living... Though I don't have any fun announcements to share, life has continued to move forward, quickly, and we have been, well, still.


All the world around me...
It literally seems like everyone around me is preparing to be pregnant, pregnant, or has just had a newborn. I'm sure there's little I can do about the reality of this considering my age and the age of everyone close to me. Honestly, its such a blessing. Its painful of course because I want nothing more than to be one of them.  Its plain and simple envy and I think its natural. One of the people (not that I even know her.. #creepystalkerstatus) that I found on IG who lost her only child two months after we lost Liam, is pregnant. Not only pregnant, but was pregnant exactly when I was previously. Her due date is 1 day before mine was supposed to be in December. Now instead of reading and relating to her posts like I used to, I feel like I'm left in the shadows watching her belly grow, knowing mine should have been right there with hers. It used to be so comforting to see someone else go through all of the same emotions through grief and tackle them with such a positive outlook. I'm just a little sad we are on different pages now but so, so, so unbelievably happy for her. With my first pregnancy after Liam, another friend of mine was pregnant at the same time, due the same month. She just had her baby. And so on, and so forth. The world of conceiving continues, and I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. Its SO unbelievably easy to play the victim.... I want nothing more than a living child of my own, to play with all the other children! I'm sure this comes to no shock to anyone, duh, this is the same dream we've been chasing for years now. Its not like when we finally do have a child that everyone else will stop having babies. After each pregnancy announcement I feel myself going through the same spiral of emotions, have a rough bitter envious day, then after some soul searching, pull my self back together and realize - This will ALWAYS continue to happen. Life is as certain as death. The world will continue to spin and grow. It could be SO easy to be dragged down by envy and sadness. But why? None of this is my fault. And we are doing everything we can to work towards a family of our own. So I need to remind myself to stop comparing my life with others, or where I want to be, and live in the now. Its easier said than done most days, but that doesn't change the fact. I'm truly happy for all of those out there moving forward in their lives and growing. One day when and if we are lucky enough to have a little one at home, people will still continue to have more babies, and Ill feel silly for ever feeling left behind in the first place. Its not like when we have a living child, all other baby booming will cease and my little will have no one left to play with. It will always continue just as its supposed to. I bask in the beauty of all of the photos from my inner friends and families children and the memories they are making with them. All of the happiness that is shown through these memories and photos makes me strive to keep fighting for my own. I only have control over so much, and that's okay. As blunt as it sounds, and as devastating as it is to accept, children are never guaranteed to anyone. Its a cruel sentence to any couple to face, but its still a fact. There are women all over the world that cannot carry, are not fertile, are genetic carriers, or have their children full term just to face the devastation of having a still born or facing SIDS later on. Trying to find a reason in any of it will cripple you. I'm not sure that's the point. I believe that you should be thankful for what you have, as often as you can. One can only hope for more. Life is not fair. I'm not sure it was every supposed to be. Not that that's okay, but it just is what it is. Since I'm here, living out this life, I'm still trying to make the absolute most of it. I want to be the positive person that sees beauty in everything. If it takes a few bad days to get back to that, fine. I'm just proud that I haven't lost all hope and sight yet. Today is a good day. I am where I am. That's okay.


Baby News
We agreed not to try naturally since our last pregnancy resulted in another genetically affected baby boy. That's nothing I ever want to go through again. I took the leap of faith, it backfired, and there's nothing I can do about that now. I just refuse to try again blindly. We have an appointment at Red Rock Fertility in September. We want to get more information on our chances of having a successful pregnancy through IVF w/PGD taking our history in to account. The costs for this would be $17, 000.00 - $20,000.00. I recently submitted a claim to my insurance company to see if they would help with the associated costs. I went to great lengths to explain how much they have already been billed (well over $400,000.00) vs the cost of the procedure and how beneficial it would be for all of us if they would help. I had letters from our genetic counselors with their recommendations to go this route as well. Earlier this week we received the letter that explained in three short sentences that we were denied.

As argumentative as I can be about this, if its not covered, its not covered. Its not like I can battle the insurance company to get my way. I just really hoped that they could see the whole picture. I plan on appealing, but I'm just not sure what difference it will make. I really, really hope if I give them enough trouble and stay persistent, they could maybe change their minds. I've heard of organizations that offer grants or scholarships to help cover costs, I'm just not sure how confident I am with the time frame of waiting that out and our chances of actually getting it. There are unfortunately SO many families out there needing the same thing. I've also had family members offer to open a fundraiser account to help raise funds. Ive struggles with this as well. I feel I already received so much when Liam passed to help us out with expenses while we were out of work and for the costs of everything. Justin and I make decent money to live the way we do. We just don't make the kind of money that would allow us to drop twenty grand on the roulette table (odds are about the same) on our chance of a healthy pregnancy. I couldn't imagine being burdened by financial debt in additional to everything else. To be so loved and blessed by others is so heartwarming. Its just a hard decision to make. We still aren't sure of what road to take. I know first, we are going to appeal this denial, and take it from there. One step at a time, its all we can do.


On another note, summer is coming to an end. As fun as this summer was with vacations, gatherings, and concerts, I for one cannot wait for Autumn. Something about being able to go outside, comfortably, with our puppies and not be scorched by the sun is so refreshing. More trips to the park, less sweat, more hiking, colorful leaves, crisp breeze, pumpkin everything, boots - basically - All the #basic things. It makes me feel so comforted! I cannot wait. I'm also determined to take on the holidays this year vs avoiding them like last year. I wished I was in a better position to do so, but, again, it is what it is and I'm going to embrace it regardless!

The Little Ray of Sunshine

The 4th of July was hard. I remember last year, it was the first festive holiday since Liam passed. We got through Father's Day, and Memorial Day, but the 4th of July would have been the first biggest holiday to dress him up for. We would have brought him to the pool with our family for the BBQ, we would have swam with him, everyone would have taken turns loving on him, and it would have been one of the bigger "firsts" that would have set the tone for all of the other holidays we had to look forward to. If you know me at all, I'm a HUGE themed out festive fanatic when it comes to holidays. Not getting to live this out with Liam is a constant kick to the gut. Instead of living out this dream, last year for the 4th, we went to a baseball game with our family, watched my nieces and nephew gaze over the fireworks, and I held my husband close. We still went to the BBQ and though we loved the time spent with our huge family, it was still almost like we were just watching life through someone else's eyes. This year was similar. The memories come flooding back of what I thought it would be like vs what it actually is. I played with my nieces and nephew again, watched them playing in the pool, watched their responses to the fireworks, and kept my husband close. Again it was just surreal. Its hard to watch. As overwhelmed with love as I could be, it still just makes me ache. To be filled with so much happiness while also feeling so sad is unexplainable. My mind just races. I just wish he was here. I wish none of this bad ever happened to us. I wish we knew nothing of it. I wish it wasn't us. I wish I lived in a world where it never happened to anyone. In the middle of missing Liam, I'm reminded that this year was supposed to be different. I planned on announcing a pregnancy this 4th of July and swimming with my nieces and nephews while sporting a little four month baby bump too. I thought I'd have something so positive to focus on to help me through it all. But that wasn't reality either. It was hard. Really hard. So, I kept my husband even closer than ever, leaned on each other, and enjoyed all of the happy parts of the day together.


Because I'm such a festive childish fool, I had to come prepared with something for my nieces and nephew! Because sparklers stress me out too much with little ones, and setting off fireworks wasn't on the top of my list either, I brought a confetti shooter. Justin and I found it while grocery shopping, and he knew I wanted it, and bought it for me. It was a little pink toy gun that had two rounds of 6 little shots of confetti glitter. It was similar to the small party poppers that you've seen around. So I make the kids come outside with me and shoot them off. They loved it & I loved it because there was no fire, or sparks to worry about. Even the inner child came out in the adults!  Some of them wanted their chance to shoot it too. I know its something so small, but it was a highlight moment for me. It simply made me happy. I took pictures of the kids while they played and took turns. Later that night when I got home I was going through the photos. I took "photo bursts" with my iPhone so I could catch the whole moment, and pick out the best pictures from it. I noticed on one of the bursts I had taken 57 photos. If you scroll through them fast enough its like watching a video. It took my breath away. In the photos there's a little circle of light. It starts at one side and appears to be chasing my niece as she comes in to the picture. Then it floats around my nephew, and up towards my mother in law as she shoots the confetti, then continues to move up until it disappears in a cloud. It was amazing. Ever since Liam's passing I've caught little orbs of light in certain outdoor pictures, usually near the ocean but always when I was trying to capture something beautiful. Since I cant post the actual video on a blog, and I don't feel comfortable uploading photos of my nieces and nephew to the open public, here are one of the orbs I'm referring to taken at the beach in Oceanside, California. 

Its always been easy to think "that must be my little boy, saying "hi". Unfortunately the realist in me instantly tries to shut that dream down. Regardless of what's real or not real - I like to believe that it could be my little guy saying "hi", just like I like to believe he plays all day in the sky doing whatever all the other little angels do up there. I believe you put power into what you want to believe or what you want to see. If it makes me feel happiness then so be it. If it makes me feel closer to Liam, then I'm going to embrace it. There's always so much to be sad about. I want to put more energy into the things I can be happy about. It was really comforting to see something that made me feel like he was there while I was missing him most. I thought this was beautiful. I love everything about it. To me, this was our little man sharing some love with us on 4th of July in his own special way.

Knowledge is Power, Unless that knowledge came from the internet, then its stress.

We learned from the passing of our son Liam James that we were both carriers for a genetic disorder called GACI (Generalised Infantile Arterial Calcification) [AKA] IACI (Idiopathic Arterial Calcification of Infancy). His autopsy showed signs of the disorder. His DNA was observed and the mutation in his genes was found. My self and my husband were tested and confirmed we were both in fact unaffected carriers. This means we do not have the disorder, but we have the ability to pass it down to our children. We have a 25% chance of having an affected carrier with each pregnancy. This was the case with Liam. This was also the case with our 2015 pregnancy. This could have also been the cause of my two miscarriages although we will never know for sure and it could never be proven.

After so much loss and failed attempts, we chose to pursue IVF w/PGD to grow our family. This means we will use in vitro fertilization (IVF) and Pre-implantation genetic diagnosis. A normal round of IVF consists of monitoring and stimulating a woman's ovulatory process, retrieving eggs from the the woman's ovaries and letting sperm fertilise them at a laboratory. The fertilised eggs move forward to mature. Then they are implanted the woman's uterus, with the intention of establishing a successful pregnancy. Adding PGD to this means that after the eggs are fertilized and mature they undergo genetic testing before implantation. Only the embryos that appear strong and are cleared of our genetic disorder are moved forward to consider using for implantation.

Obviously, for situations like ours, this is a miracle in itself. To have the science and knowledge to prevent this type of suffering is truly miraculous. Internet research (the same type of research that could convince you that your common head cold is a fatal catastrophe) indicated that success rates with PGD increased your chances with IVF. Most miscarriages are loosely links to chromosome and genetic abnormalities that we have no control over. Adding this extra step to examine the embryos before implantation reduces these risks. I could talk about statistics since I've spent DAYS researching them, but, the flat our answer is that there are too many factors to give a blanket success rate. Your Fertility Clinic will give you their best guestimate once you've begun the process and they know your details specifically.

I had heard that the process is expensive. I saw quotes from $10,000.00 - $30,000.00 for both IVF and PGD together. Again, I was swimming around in internet articles and my own assumptions weighed down by my fears. It wasn't until I went to the Fertility Center, that I finally got the information that I was looking for.

The "Announcement" I wish I never had to make...

I hoped this would be a happy pregnancy announcement. Unfortunately, it simply is not. Regardless, I wanted to share an update on our story, our journey, and our last few months.


After our most recent miscarriage in January, and more months of trying, patience, trusting, hoping, counting, praying, and peeing on sticks, we finally had another positive pregnancy test in April. Pregnant again! Possibility swarmed us and we were thankful for each day of symptoms and signs that the first trimester was going along smoothly. Each ultrasound presented perfection. This little baby bean wiggled more than Liam ever did which made me even more optimistic of this pregnancy. I had crazy insane dreams nightly of everything from vacations with the Kardasians to adventurous escapes from floods and volcanoes with mythical creatures. I continuously sneezed, had heartburn, and many of the other fun early symptoms.


Due to my and Justin's genetic history, we opted to have this pregnancy tested for IIAC / GACI since we have a 25% chance of each pregnancy inheriting it. After the test is preformed it takes up to 5 weeks to grow the sample needed from the cells and get results. The first round of results came in around 3 weeks which included the normal chromosomal tests to screen for more common disorders such as down syndrome, Trisomy's, etc. This baby was cleared from all of that AND they knew the sex! We are to expect another little boy!


Two weeks ago, At 14 weeks and 3 days along our genetic counselor called us with the rest of the results.


Disbelief struck again.


This baby also has the exact same chromosomal duplications and deletions as his big brother had. This one too, has IIAC. Unbelievable. Absolutely the worst odds and luck I could ever imagine. This is the reason I kept the pregnancy quiet. I couldn't bear giving everyone such happy news only to let the stress of the situation set in later. I couldn't handle the thought of everyone reassuring me that everything will work out this time and be okay when it was already taking every part of me to stay positive. I feel the pressure of them feeling the pressure to reassure me would just make me be more resistant. I know this can sound like an oxymoron but it was hard enough for me to accept the possibility of the reality on my own without the added "everything's going to be great this time I just know it" from other people, when we all know that not a single person in this world could guarantee such a thing no matter how kind the gesture. I also didn't want everyone that I love and care about to carry the same burden of hope and excitement coated with constant fear, stress, and anxiety day by day while awaiting the results with us. I know that family and friends hearing about it now, without a warning will also be a tough blow, but I see it as one day of suffering vs 14 weeks of it to lead to the same result.


We discussed our options before we started trying again after Liam. The odds were favorable that we would have a healthy baby (75%!) As far as genetic conditions go, that's pretty close to the best odds you can get! We were optimistic. We also agreed that we would test each baby so we would know what to expect, and if the baby had the condition we would not go through with the pregnancy. This was a lot easier said than done, not that it was even easy to say in the first place.


Now that we are actually facing it, it brought on a lot of desperation, research, discussion, tears, and realizations. There is no "beating" this disease. It attacks and destroys your major arteries. If we were even lucky enough to birth this child, his chances of life were too slim. And by chances I mean a life of medical complications, ongoing and constant developing cardiac and bone conditions (not to mention the many other conditions that would arise or how painful it would all constantly be), and would be faced with daily medication for, well, forever. And that's if we were that lucky. It wasn't a life we would want for our child. It's too rare to have enough facts around and any "progress" that's been made in history to date, is still experimental. After very thoroughly considering ever bit of every scenario, outcome, and fact, we decided, together, we were unable to move forward with the pregnancy any longer. We had to go through with one of the hardest decisions I believe we have ever been faced with. I cant explain what this felt like or how hard it was. There's no way to express it.


 I will never try naturally again. I see now how stupid and irresponsible it was to try that way in the beginning at all just leaning on faith. I was just really really hoping that if we stayed strong through everything already this far, that we would be the 75% of having an unaffected, healthy baby. It would be our fate. I thought we were remaining faithful and hopeful and it was the logical thing to do vs the rash decision of IVF (which gives you less than a 50% chance of even having a successful pregnancy resulting in the birth of a child).  I had no idea we would be so wrong and it would be so painful or that I would have already been 15 weeks along.


So I ask again for everyone not to judge. This was hard enough on us without having to hear everyone else's assumed course of preferred action. I understand that other people in other situations may have taken a different course. There were many times that I said, forget it, I'm going through with it before rereading the facts of that reality. Its not something Justin and I can chose to go into knowingly to endure or force any innocent child to have to endure. I understand that some of you will not understand. That's fine. You don't have to agree with us. This is what we felt was best for this child, to save him. I will not regret this decision but Ill never be happy for it either. I also will never put us in a position to be in this situation again.


As for our future, when or if we can try again, we will hopefully be pursuing IVF with PGD. IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) with PGD (Preimplantation genetic diagnosis) is a process of fertilization by manually combining an egg and sperm in a lab, and then transferring the embryo to the uterus. The only difference is with PGD, they can diagnose a genetic disease in early embryos prior to implantation and pregnancy. Basically they would test the embryos for the disease and only transfer healthy non affected eggs for a hope of implantation and pregnancy. The success rate for an actual pregnancy resulting in live birth is less than our original chances of trying naturally and having an unaffected child (75% vs <50%). This is why we tried naturally to begin with, but as you can see, that wasn't meant to be either.


Justin and I are overall just sad. There's not really another way I know how to put it. Every day more and more of my family and friends are moving forward in their lives, getting married, starting families, and growing together. Even the other mothers of loss I stay in touch with are getting their rainbow babies. As beautiful and inspiring as this is, its just bittersweet for me. I feel we have just been standing still for years. We try to see things as positive as we can. We focus on doing things for us and enjoying our time with each other, family and friends instead of being bitter about the things we are missing out on. I'm happy, for all of the things I have been blessed with in life, and most of all, for my husband, for so many reasons.  I know I have been quiet and distant for awhile. I wanted  to share this with everyone, we just needed some time to grasp it ourselves first. Thank you everyone for your continued prayers, support, and thoughts. We love you all.

The Nursery

In 2010 we bought our three bedroom house. The plan was to fill it up with a family. Remodeling our small spare room was something that we looked forward to ever since we tried to get pregnant. The planning for it, themes to choose from and general idea of it all sent me swooning. A project that we got to work on together, to build a nursery, it was amazing.

                                    

We chose a superhero theme for our anticipated little boy. This was in 2013 BEFORE it was trending everywhere. There was maybe one person that had done it before that inspired me of the idea. It was so hard to find anything that was baby friendly and had superheroes. We painted the walls, assembled the crib and dresser/changing table, and positioned the rocking chair, shelves, and diaper genie how we wanted it. The nursery was perfect.
                                          
                                           
                                           
While Liam was stuck in the NICU, we wanted nothing more than to just have him home with us. He should be comforted in his home, in his own room we made for him. When that day finally came, after a month in the NICU, it was such a glorious time. I remember thinking what an obstacle we overcame and how thankful we were to have him home and thriving. The NICU repeatedly told us that this will all one day be a small bump in the road that you'll just have to look back on one day. We were so happy that we were at the "looking back" place. Little did anyone expect the alternative.
             
Liam was distracted and awed by all of the popping colors in his room. The walls were a dark blue and gray color. We added his name to the walls from wooden letters covered in comic book pages. The other wall had 12x12 superhero emblems that were also very bright in color. His bed set was ordered on ETSY and was bright yellow, red and blue with marvel fabric bumpers and skirt. I loved watching him look at it all. I loved seeing him in his crib.

Liam's nursery is still intact. Its one of the brightest rooms in the house due to how the windows are facing. I know facing what to do with the nursery is different for all mothers of loss. For me, its my almost safe place. It just feels peaceful in there. I know if we are blessed with more children, his room will be changed to accommodate them. In the meantime, I just don't see a reason to change it. We don't need the room for anything else. It was always meant to be a nursery. Its comforting in there. Some of his things are boxed up ready for storage one day. The same stack of diapers that were in his basket on his last day remain on his changing table along with the same box of wipes (most likely dried up by now) that we were using. I haven't touched or washed his crib sheets. His clothes are still organized by size in his dresser. His jackets and shoes are in his closet.  I still use his blanket I made him on special days. We spent time on that blanket during the nights he wouldn't sleep. All of his memories come swarming back to me in there, in the best ways.
                                                                    

My puppies (not actual puppies by the way, they are both full grown... I just cant bring my self to call them "dogs" for some reason) LOVE his room. They'd lay in there all day if I let them. Its like they know. I remember feeling so sad for them going through all of this too. Watching me get big, then disappearing for days, then rarely ever home because we were constantly at the NICU, then we bring this BABY home! They were so confused and interested in him but careful at the same time. It was lovely. When he left us, I'm not sure what the dogs thought of that. I know they watched us grieve and change. There was a while where they barely got out for our usual walks and hikes. Now I think they are used to how things are again. I just cant help but think about how all of this confused and affected them as well.
                                           
In the future, I'm not sure what we will do. I know eventually I will have to go through things, throw out expired things, and figure out what to do with all of his stuff. I'd like to pass a lot of it down to future babies, but I'd like to save a lot of it for him too. I know we wont use a superhero theme again, because to us, that was HIS. Its bittersweet that its so popular now. We see things constantly that would have been great additions to his room, or would have made great toys for him. Superman specifically symbolizes our memory of him. We did a photo shoot with him, his letter "L" and a small superman cape that came with one of his jackets or onsies. We didn't know then how powerful that would later become for us. Liam James, will forever be our little Superman.

                                         

The Silence

I typically make an effort to publish one new blog post a month. This way I'm not over doing it with every rant or point of view that comes over me, and I keep a solid pattern of publishing. Lately I've just been silenced. I seems like we've been in a very quiet waiting period for some time now. We have been trying to get pregnant, for months now. This alone makes me feel pressured and anxious. I feel its easiest to deal with the pressure and stress by using distractions and not focusing directly on an obstacle that I have no control over. This results in me being quiet. I guess I don't know any other way to put it. I'm scared to be overly happy because when things don't work out you end up feeling ridiculously stupid. (Crazy, I know.... But its true). I don't want to be negative either because its just not how I want to be. I'm holding on to my faith with the strongest thread I can manage. In efforts to hold everything together, I'm hesitant to express myself, until I know exactly what I'm trying to express and then it results in this, a bunch of random babble. So.... I guess Ill write on an update about myself. 
 

I recently have began been volunteering at Sunrise Children's Hospital on their pediatric floors. I've had a hard time with obviously not having Liam around. Especially during his first year and now. I notice that keeping this bottled up causes me to resent others and their kids. This makes me feel like an awful person and its not productive. When I'm with friends and family, and there are other babies around, I always have the urge to hold, love and play with them, but I hate how I feel that people are watching sympathetically. I feel like I can feel their sorrow for me, and for them to watch me hold another baby is almost as difficult for them to see as it is for me to do. This makes me also feel a lot of pressure and most of the time prevents me from going through with it. I thought a lot about how to get my maternal side OUT and embrace it on my terms without the pressure of anyone else. I looked into baby cuddling programs and realized the next best thing would be to volunteer. I go once a week and play with all the kiddos that are feeling up to it. I can read to them, play games, color, watch movies, and more. When the babies are admitted I can spend time with them too. When I walk around the hospital everyone sees a volunteer instead of a sad mourning mom who is without her son. This helps create a completely judgment free safe place for me. It takes the pressure off, and I get to be a friend to all these amazing kids who brighten my day, and in return I get to try and brighten theirs. Its been very good for me and I'm glad that I'm part of their team. 
 

I think about Liam - so often, there's not a way to explain it. He's in my thoughts subliminally, he's constantly a part of my thought process. He's always in the background of my mind during my day to day when I'm not directly reminiscing the memories I have of him. I surround myself with him. Even though now it feels more normal for him to not be physically here with me, I feel as if he's always with me. I hate that it feels normal again to not have a child with me everyday. It naturally makes me feel guilty, even though I know there's no reason for it.


Mothers Day was a tough one as expected. Everyone was very nice and considerate and told me "Happy Mothers Day" and gave gifts and flowers and more. It was very kind. Its just difficult because I know I gave birth to a son, I know technically I'm a mother - It just doesn't feel that way when your day to day life is still in its "Only me and Justin" phase. I only played that part for about a month. Now I get a full nights sleep every night. I wake up and give myself about 20 minutes to get dressed and ready for work. I eat at my own leisure. We leave the house in 5 minutes to run errands. We go out and stay up too late, then sleep in the following day. We sit on the couch and watch movies, uninterrupted. We do laundry about twice a month. None of these things are typical for a mother. I know my story is different. I know its not the same. I just would trade all those things to have the day to day of an active mother. The frustrations, the breakdowns, the constant tired eyes, the schedule, the chaos and all of he memories that come along with. I almost feel that its a holiday that I haven't yet earned. And I know..... THAT'S CRAZY. Its just what makes it bittersweet.

I am so thankful for the mothers day that I did get to spend with Liam. We drove to my Nana's house, and spent time with my mother, sister, cousins, and grandparents. My cousin got to feed him. Everyone got to hold and cuddle him. Then to make the day most memorable, my son blasted poo out of his diaper, with the funniest grunt, all over my leg. That..... That was a true mothers day.

That's it for my mini update. We are still here, still kicking, still figuring things out. We are constantly running around visiting family and friends for birthdays, graduations, celebrations, and more while also making time for ourselves. This year marks 3 years married and 10 together for us. :) Thank you to everyone for always thinking of us.