The Little Ray of Sunshine

The 4th of July was hard. I remember last year, it was the first festive holiday since Liam passed. We got through Father's Day, and Memorial Day, but the 4th of July would have been the first biggest holiday to dress him up for. We would have brought him to the pool with our family for the BBQ, we would have swam with him, everyone would have taken turns loving on him, and it would have been one of the bigger "firsts" that would have set the tone for all of the other holidays we had to look forward to. If you know me at all, I'm a HUGE themed out festive fanatic when it comes to holidays. Not getting to live this out with Liam is a constant kick to the gut. Instead of living out this dream, last year for the 4th, we went to a baseball game with our family, watched my nieces and nephew gaze over the fireworks, and I held my husband close. We still went to the BBQ and though we loved the time spent with our huge family, it was still almost like we were just watching life through someone else's eyes. This year was similar. The memories come flooding back of what I thought it would be like vs what it actually is. I played with my nieces and nephew again, watched them playing in the pool, watched their responses to the fireworks, and kept my husband close. Again it was just surreal. Its hard to watch. As overwhelmed with love as I could be, it still just makes me ache. To be filled with so much happiness while also feeling so sad is unexplainable. My mind just races. I just wish he was here. I wish none of this bad ever happened to us. I wish we knew nothing of it. I wish it wasn't us. I wish I lived in a world where it never happened to anyone. In the middle of missing Liam, I'm reminded that this year was supposed to be different. I planned on announcing a pregnancy this 4th of July and swimming with my nieces and nephews while sporting a little four month baby bump too. I thought I'd have something so positive to focus on to help me through it all. But that wasn't reality either. It was hard. Really hard. So, I kept my husband even closer than ever, leaned on each other, and enjoyed all of the happy parts of the day together.


Because I'm such a festive childish fool, I had to come prepared with something for my nieces and nephew! Because sparklers stress me out too much with little ones, and setting off fireworks wasn't on the top of my list either, I brought a confetti shooter. Justin and I found it while grocery shopping, and he knew I wanted it, and bought it for me. It was a little pink toy gun that had two rounds of 6 little shots of confetti glitter. It was similar to the small party poppers that you've seen around. So I make the kids come outside with me and shoot them off. They loved it & I loved it because there was no fire, or sparks to worry about. Even the inner child came out in the adults!  Some of them wanted their chance to shoot it too. I know its something so small, but it was a highlight moment for me. It simply made me happy. I took pictures of the kids while they played and took turns. Later that night when I got home I was going through the photos. I took "photo bursts" with my iPhone so I could catch the whole moment, and pick out the best pictures from it. I noticed on one of the bursts I had taken 57 photos. If you scroll through them fast enough its like watching a video. It took my breath away. In the photos there's a little circle of light. It starts at one side and appears to be chasing my niece as she comes in to the picture. Then it floats around my nephew, and up towards my mother in law as she shoots the confetti, then continues to move up until it disappears in a cloud. It was amazing. Ever since Liam's passing I've caught little orbs of light in certain outdoor pictures, usually near the ocean but always when I was trying to capture something beautiful. Since I cant post the actual video on a blog, and I don't feel comfortable uploading photos of my nieces and nephew to the open public, here are one of the orbs I'm referring to taken at the beach in Oceanside, California. 

Its always been easy to think "that must be my little boy, saying "hi". Unfortunately the realist in me instantly tries to shut that dream down. Regardless of what's real or not real - I like to believe that it could be my little guy saying "hi", just like I like to believe he plays all day in the sky doing whatever all the other little angels do up there. I believe you put power into what you want to believe or what you want to see. If it makes me feel happiness then so be it. If it makes me feel closer to Liam, then I'm going to embrace it. There's always so much to be sad about. I want to put more energy into the things I can be happy about. It was really comforting to see something that made me feel like he was there while I was missing him most. I thought this was beautiful. I love everything about it. To me, this was our little man sharing some love with us on 4th of July in his own special way.