16 Weeks

Week: 16
Baby Size: Avocado (4in-5in)
Pregnancy Side Effects: Sensitive Stomach, & Sleepiness
Bump Status: My lower stomach is super hard, and when I lay on my back I can feel where the baby is! I have also been feeling more and more kicks!

Currently...
Eating: Fruit snacks, Pizza, Veggies, Sweets... (This baby throws me for a loop with how my eating habits are changed... Chicken is almost impossible to eat, along with most meats, and I just want crap food, but it never sits well, so I don't typically eat that either..)
Craving: Nachos, Cornbread, Ice Cream, Pizza, Cool Ranch Doritos....
Drinking: Decaffeinated Tea, Water, Juicy Juice
Wearing: Jeans, Leggings, Sweaters
Feeling: Wonderful! Sleepy!
Weather: VERY cold for December, but very refreshing.
Wanting: To sleep and cuddle all day while binge watching tv.
Thinking: About planning a new nursery for our baby girl Quinn and how to incorporate Liams things in it.
Enjoying: The dreams and realities of having a little girl.
Missing: Liam, especially more lately. Wanting to share all of this with him too. Missing warm yummy  coffee also...
Doing: Working, Exercising, and relaxing!
Looking Forward To: Starting nursery plans!










Justin has been working 6 days a week for awhile now and our only extra time off together seemed to revolve around doctor appointments. We were lucky enough to get to take a full 2 week vacation for Christmas. During this time we were also able to take a trip to Disneyland! Disneyland is a ridiculously special place for us. Im a Disney fanatic and my husband took me to Disneyland for the very first time ever when we first started dating. He eventually even proposed at Snow Whites wishing well. We've been back more times than we can count since then and made so many memories. We went while we were pregnant with Liam and it was so special to me. We also went with our other pregnancy, and we were happy to go for this one as well. Our original plan was to take our pups with us (Cassius, Laila and Nala). Cassius was recently diagnosed with Lymphoma and we didn't want to risk anything happening to him while we were gone and thought it would be a nice trip for all of us to experience together. Unfortunately, Cassius didn't live long enough for this. We made a decision to lay him to rest when his health took a quick turn for the worst. This was really rough for us. Cassius was the most amazing caring and protective dog. He was the absolute best with kids. Even in the short time he was with Liam he was so attached and concerned for him. We really planned on having him around when we started our family and always pictured him playing with our children. Like most things in our life, that plan did not fold out either. It may not have been Gods plan, or meant to be. Regardless, Im happy to feel that he is no longer in pain, and didn't that he didn't suffer. I also like to think that him and Liam are together; a little boy and his dog. The feeling in our home changed yet again, while the other two pups were adapting. Not wanting to leave their sides either, during our time off we did go forward with the Disney trip and brought Laila and Nala with us. It was bittersweet but special at the same time. They got to stay at the Disneyland Kennel Club while we made memories inside the park. We also visited Huntington beach for the first time with Laila. We are so thankful for these pups in our lives to help us smile and fill our days. The trip overall was such a blessing and a memorable time, especially while carrying this little skittle packet sized miracle!


During Christmas we were very excited to announce to all of our families (We both have divorced families that all live locally, so we typically have 4 or more gatherings for the holidays) individually with a special gender reveal cupcake that we are expecting a baby girl! We chose a family member at each stop to bite into a special cupcake to find that it was filled with pink sprinkles inside. It made it really fun and special for everyone around us. It made Christmas especially special for us. Christmas since Liam has been really hard. Its always nice to be surrounded by our families, especially because I know how close they are to Liam too. Its when we return home to an quiet house that it really sets in. A tree that should be covered with toddler gifts, and wrapping all over the floor. The day after Christmas when most were still off work, I ran errands passing houses and all I could think about was the joy that must have been inside of them. Kids that are playing with all their new things, parents joining in, just basking in the happiness of the day. It hit me pretty hard. What I would give to have that with Justin and Liam. He would be at such a fun age right now. Such a growing and learning age discovering new things and expressing him self more openly. I wish he could be here for this pregnancy and the welcoming of his new little sister. Instead it brings me joy and comfort to know he will always watch over her and us from above. As this pregnancy progresses I find that Im faced more and more with so many realities. So many different emotions that are hard to separate and justify. We want a family so much, but equally want Liam here with us as part of that family. I know that's something we cant change, but it will just always ache. I want this little girl to know every part of her brothers time with us, his story. Im also worried how much of a crazy mother Ill be with her in fear of everything that we had seen with Liam. I know Ill be more scared and cautious than normal. I know Ill see similarities and differences in them. I know I will relive a lot of really hard emotions and memories. I know it will take us awhile to adjust back in to active parenthood while adapting to parenting after a loss. My heart is just already filled with so much love and gratitude. It just also has a lot of grieving space for Liam that I don't think could ever be filled or replaced by anything else. I think at my absolute happiest, I will still feel incomplete without him. I also think that's okay. That's just how it will be and there will still be plenty of room in my heart for all of the love and happiness to come. One big, complex, deep, strong, and loving family.


I'm excited for the weeks to come. So happy to be at a place with this pregnancy that isn't as terrifying second by second as the beginning weeks. Even with the rougher symptoms that Ive experienced with this pregnancy, Im just as happy and content as can be, enjoying each and every moment of it especially since her little kicks and movements have been occurring daily. :)


Thank you all for your love and support for us all during this journey! I hope to continue sharing many more happy happy updates!

Holidays 2015

Last year we avoided holidays like a plague. This year we participated head on. Everything went much better than I anticipated.

Ill be honest and blunt - It was painful. But I believe at a certain level it should be. The pain doesn't take away the happy, its just there with it. The weather was cooling, the leaves continued falling,  & I busied myself crafting gifts for my nieces and nephews. Especially with all of the burdens and costs of IVF we didn't participate in any gifts this year with the exception of two very inexpensive dirty Santas. I was doing fine. We decorated our house. We turned our lights on almost every night. We put up and dressed our tree. My husband, the amazing man he is, got me a coffee cup and gingerbread house to decorate (Im a coffee freak, and have never made a gingerbread house before [healthy distractions!]) early in December. We had the empty bag from those gifts under the tree so it wasn't so naked and sad. We hung our stockings, and got our puppies some new toys. I baked up a storm of cookies and treats for family and friends including some homemade cinnamon rolls with my sister. I made homemade chicken and dumplins for Christmas Eve Dinner. We made rounds to visit our four families (both our families are divorced and all live in Vegas with us). It was all very very nice. The hard parts were coming alone, just the two of us, when there should be an almost two year old running around with us, finally old enough to get excited for gifts. Another hard part was watching my nieces and nephews open their gifts from their amazing loving families and just wishing we were watching Liam do the same. Christmas morning was difficult. It was quiet. We slept in. We had coffee. We got ready for another day of visits. We came home, and the holiday was over. It was almost harder after it was over. We did it. We faced it. We were happy. But now it was over and somehow it still felt as if we just missed the whole thing, but really, I feel that Liam missed everything. I enjoyed all my time with all my family. My heart just aches missing our boy. But, of course I miss him. Of course I wish him here with us. But I was comforted in a lot of unexpected ways.



We did things for Liam on our own that made us feel better too. I made an ornament for our tree filled with his superman colors, one of his socks he wore, and mini photos of him. Its not a finished product yet, but it made be feel so much better seeing a piece of him on our tree. We also went to his memorial tree that was planted by our loved ones at one of our favorite parks (Angel Park where we took him a few times while he was with us). We were so happy and proud to see how much it had grown in just a year. We were able to place a special ornament for him there too.


Liam is everywhere with us. He is everywhere with our family and loved ones. His love and presence is strong. Our version of a new normal is becoming more normal. I'm so thankful for the peace that Ive found amidst of this loss. Im glad that Im not hardened by all of our losses. Im happy that I feel so comforted by our little boy so often. Its the next best thing since we cant have him here with us.

Shots, Hormones & Turkey

Another step forward!


Big news! This week my medications arrived!!! And - Wow. Its a bit intimidating. First of all, after my insurance, the cost was $3000.00 just for what you see in the picture below and is not included in what was paid for the IVF package. Luckily we qualified for a discount and got it lowered a bit, which I am very thankful. I tried to ask over the phone what I was paying for. I couldn't even understand the prescription names they were naming off. My anxiousness drove me to look up the names that I guessed they were to see what I was in for. After an overload of information, I decided to just chill, and wait it out so I don't work my self up over side affects and risks. So, a few days later this box arrives and in contains the following.

21 Injections -

• Menopur Injections 10
• Pregnyl Intramuscular Solution - 1
• Gonal-F Injection Pen - 6
• Cetrotide Injection Kit - 4

3 Tablets -

• Azithromycin Tab 500mg - 2
• Fluconazole Tab 150mg - 1

Red Rock Fertility Office Visits

• Countless.....

21 INJECTIONS!? EEK! I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a bit of a pity melt down of "Why us!? Why does it have to be this way? Why is this so much and so hard!? Why cant I just get knocked up and have healthy babes like its supposed to be?" - and so on and so forth. Gahhhh.... But. This is the road we are on. This is the journey we are in. I don't know if this is where we were "destined" to be or not, but this is where we are. I have the strongest, most understanding and caring husband by my side and a million blessings to be thankful for. So, I took a deep breathe, and decided not to worry about the shots until I have to. Which, will be the week of Thanksgiving. I will be scared. It will hurt. Its not romantic. Ill be a hormonal mess and most likely bloat up like a balloon from what I've been hearing but you know what? I. Don't. Care. Ill do whatever I need to do. The pain and emotions will be worth it in the end. This is our opportunity for a family. One that I hope to have and watch grow and age. If it weren't for science, we may have had to go through much, much more loss and tragedy if we would have even had the courage to try at all. I'm very thankful that we have this opportunity at all. It may not work round one. It may not work at all. But It may! It may work on our first try. We may even get two for one! Whatever the outcome is, I have, very little, if any, control over it. So, in my opinion, its not anything I should worry about (saying and doing are two completely different things, but I'm trying!). I'm trying so desperately to not look at this as a "last chance" but instead as a great opportunity at a miracle. It could happen!


So, in the next coming weeks, while most will be baking for their families, sharing turkey dinners with the sounds of children playing in the background, and black Friday shopping to build an inventory of surprises for Christmas morning, Ill be experimenting with injections, trying to not torture my husband with raging hormones, and missing my baby boy - wondering what he would look like now, what he would be getting in to, and what his personality would be. Liam is so, so genuinely missed in everything we do. Every event or holiday we go to (amongst everything else) feels wrong. Its obvious that he is missing and its hard. But this is what life and the holidays are for me, for my husband, and our family. There's nothing to be done to change it. I have accepted that. The grief and sadness will always be with us. This doesn't mean that we cant be happy too. With WHOLE hearts we feel it all. We hurt, love and miss Liam. We are scared and excited about what the future could bring. We are happy for all of the love and support we have from each other. We are grateful to begin the very real steps of IVF in hopes to announce a new addition next year. I am overwhelmed with all the love I have for my nieces, nephews, and cousins. Through them and my friends children, I have been able to embrace my maternal side. For this too I am so thankful. I'm proud that I haven't been too hardened over the recent years. I'm blessed to still be able to see and feel so much love.


I wont pretend that the sadness and pain doesn't exist. It does very, very much so. It exists in every smile, every memory, every happy moment, every beautiful moment, and grows stronger when bad times arise. I accept it. And I'm still able to find a happy. I'm in love. I'm okay.  I'm still able to see the beauty in so many things. I soak up all the happy moments and pause to soak them in. I embrace everything that makes me happy no matter if its a stupid laugh from the most recent ridiculous thing the Kardasians have done to hearing my nieces read a poem about love off my refrigerator together in perfect harmony while thinking no one can hear them. I am happy. I am blessed. I am going to go into this with the most positive outlook that I can. I just ask that those around me can be compassionate and patient with us. There's a lot on the line these upcoming months. Emotions are high and I have no idea what to expect. Love with us, laugh with us, and please hope and pray for us.

The Little Ray of Sunshine

The 4th of July was hard. I remember last year, it was the first festive holiday since Liam passed. We got through Father's Day, and Memorial Day, but the 4th of July would have been the first biggest holiday to dress him up for. We would have brought him to the pool with our family for the BBQ, we would have swam with him, everyone would have taken turns loving on him, and it would have been one of the bigger "firsts" that would have set the tone for all of the other holidays we had to look forward to. If you know me at all, I'm a HUGE themed out festive fanatic when it comes to holidays. Not getting to live this out with Liam is a constant kick to the gut. Instead of living out this dream, last year for the 4th, we went to a baseball game with our family, watched my nieces and nephew gaze over the fireworks, and I held my husband close. We still went to the BBQ and though we loved the time spent with our huge family, it was still almost like we were just watching life through someone else's eyes. This year was similar. The memories come flooding back of what I thought it would be like vs what it actually is. I played with my nieces and nephew again, watched them playing in the pool, watched their responses to the fireworks, and kept my husband close. Again it was just surreal. Its hard to watch. As overwhelmed with love as I could be, it still just makes me ache. To be filled with so much happiness while also feeling so sad is unexplainable. My mind just races. I just wish he was here. I wish none of this bad ever happened to us. I wish we knew nothing of it. I wish it wasn't us. I wish I lived in a world where it never happened to anyone. In the middle of missing Liam, I'm reminded that this year was supposed to be different. I planned on announcing a pregnancy this 4th of July and swimming with my nieces and nephews while sporting a little four month baby bump too. I thought I'd have something so positive to focus on to help me through it all. But that wasn't reality either. It was hard. Really hard. So, I kept my husband even closer than ever, leaned on each other, and enjoyed all of the happy parts of the day together.


Because I'm such a festive childish fool, I had to come prepared with something for my nieces and nephew! Because sparklers stress me out too much with little ones, and setting off fireworks wasn't on the top of my list either, I brought a confetti shooter. Justin and I found it while grocery shopping, and he knew I wanted it, and bought it for me. It was a little pink toy gun that had two rounds of 6 little shots of confetti glitter. It was similar to the small party poppers that you've seen around. So I make the kids come outside with me and shoot them off. They loved it & I loved it because there was no fire, or sparks to worry about. Even the inner child came out in the adults!  Some of them wanted their chance to shoot it too. I know its something so small, but it was a highlight moment for me. It simply made me happy. I took pictures of the kids while they played and took turns. Later that night when I got home I was going through the photos. I took "photo bursts" with my iPhone so I could catch the whole moment, and pick out the best pictures from it. I noticed on one of the bursts I had taken 57 photos. If you scroll through them fast enough its like watching a video. It took my breath away. In the photos there's a little circle of light. It starts at one side and appears to be chasing my niece as she comes in to the picture. Then it floats around my nephew, and up towards my mother in law as she shoots the confetti, then continues to move up until it disappears in a cloud. It was amazing. Ever since Liam's passing I've caught little orbs of light in certain outdoor pictures, usually near the ocean but always when I was trying to capture something beautiful. Since I cant post the actual video on a blog, and I don't feel comfortable uploading photos of my nieces and nephew to the open public, here are one of the orbs I'm referring to taken at the beach in Oceanside, California. 

Its always been easy to think "that must be my little boy, saying "hi". Unfortunately the realist in me instantly tries to shut that dream down. Regardless of what's real or not real - I like to believe that it could be my little guy saying "hi", just like I like to believe he plays all day in the sky doing whatever all the other little angels do up there. I believe you put power into what you want to believe or what you want to see. If it makes me feel happiness then so be it. If it makes me feel closer to Liam, then I'm going to embrace it. There's always so much to be sad about. I want to put more energy into the things I can be happy about. It was really comforting to see something that made me feel like he was there while I was missing him most. I thought this was beautiful. I love everything about it. To me, this was our little man sharing some love with us on 4th of July in his own special way.

The Holidays

We did it. The first major holiday since Liam's passing. One of the first of many to come. The amount of plans and expectations I had for Halloween this year were never-ending. To think, I was more excited about this fall because I thought I would be planning a "baby's 1st birthday" rather than my excitement for the holidays. And, If you know me at all, I typically have ALOT of excitement for the holidays. I’m the pumpkin spice everything, baking, boot and scarf wearing, Disney movie marathon before going to Disneyland for the holidays, shopping, decorating, ice skating, candy passing, four Thanksgivings - type of holiday person. In April we were already planning a November Disneyland trip for Liam’s first visit. I already had a "baby’s first Christmas ornament for Christmas". I envisioned all of the sounds, smells, and experiences that would go along with the decorating, shopping, wrapping, baking and most of all - us waking up to his morning "get me out of this crib" cry on Christmas morning. What can I say - I’m a dreamer. I’m a believer. I’m a planner. All I did for the entire time we were pregnant was plan for the future with Liam in it.

So, to say the least - this year - I want nothing more than to actually bury myself under a rock and hibernate until it is over.

This year will be different. I didn’t put up one light, tombstone, sticker, black rose, or a single package of web at the house. I didn’t buy any candy. I didn’t watch my favorite Halloween favorites - Hocus Pocus, The Adams Family, or Nightmare Before Christmas....... I just couldn’t. The only decorating I did do, was for Liam’s headstone. I didn’t want anything scary for him, so I added a little Halloween sign, a small smiling pumpkin, a glow stick (what baby isn’t in awe of a glow stick!?) and a mini Minion (for some reason I like to think he can get into mischief with that little minion... Every little boy should get into a little mischief...) to add to the abundance of toys, flowers, windmills and lights that he already has from his wonderful supportive family.

Instead of the Halloween we previously envisioned, this year we visited Universal Studios Nights of Terror. It was a 13 and over event, so we had peace of mind that we could partake in something that wouldn’t be a constant reminder of what we were missing out on. Believe me, I could never take away the weight of what we are missing all together. We both live and breathe off the memories we do have with our son. But we do try to embrace a "break" from the constant struggles we have when we can in efforts to still enjoy our time together. It was really hard. And I still needed to look at my family's social media pages the next day to see how everyone dressed up and to see my little nephews, nieces and cousins so I didn’t feel like I completely missed it. I just couldn’t bear it ON Halloween.

I struggle every single day with finding something to be thankful for, something to look forward to, or something to be happy about. The things that used to bring me the most joy, now typically bring me the most sadness. Its truly not fair to me or anyone around me, but life’s not fair, and I am trying to deal with it. I read somewhere that it’s almost impossible to be "bitter" while being "thankful". I am thankful for many things. But sometimes it’s not enough to outweigh everything else that I don’t have to be thankful for that makes me bitter.

Justin and I already made the decision to "skip" the holidays this year. Halloween was the first, and now I’m even more confident in this decision. Even though we spent the day together in an adult setting avoiding the "Trick or Treaters", we had as good of a day as we possibly could have on Halloween being together alone. It’s equally heartbreaking not to be around our family’s. I’m a huge advocate for "live each day as your last" and each year we make a point to go to each of our four family’s for Thanksgiving and Christmas because it means that much to us to see everyone every year. I’ve put on the strong face for gatherings, birthdays, dinners, and parties. I’ve forced myself into the situations that I know will be hard. I braved through it and I keep doing so. I’m glad that I’m able to do so. However, the holidays aren’t something I want to brave through. I don’t want to feel like a storm cloud that reminds everyone of what’s missing. I don’t want anyone else to see me breakdown and I don’t feel like hiding it either. For me, I would rather ignore the "holiday" and just enjoy a day with my husband, so we can grieve together and alone peacefully in our own way and let our families do the same, in their own time and way. I know that our family wouldn’t mind, and that they would rather us be with them and that we could never be a burden, but I truly wouldn’t be able to be myself. I know I'd have to be overly sarcastic to lighten the mood. I know I would break in to tears at the drop of a hat and I couldn’t bear the look of pain on the face from whoever sees me. I’m not sure If Ill regret it later or not but I feel it’s the best I can do right now.

Please be comforted by knowing that we will not be holding each other and crying the day away in a dark corner somewhere. Please do not think that this applies to any other family gathering. We love to be with and around our family and friends. Whether it be birthday parties, baby showers, BBQ, etc., we still want to be there. It’s just THESE HOLIDAYS. It’s completely different. I’m not sure of a way to even explain it. We will just be spending the days doing something else, in the comfort of our own home, that is less "family oriented". As selfish as it might even sound, the way I feel about it now is that I just want to be with my husband.

I do hope everyone understands our wishes for this year. I can speak for both of us when I say to please, please enjoy your holidays. Celebrate, laugh, and make memories with your families. I’m confident that next year we should be in a better place to resume our family traditions. If we are lucky enough to have our prayers answered, maybe we will even have a "plus one" in attendance.