Bump Update: Week 34

Week: 34
Baby Size: Pineapple
Pregnancy Side Effects: Swelling in the hands, Light cramping, Typical aches and pains, restless leg syndrome sometimes, sleepy pretty much ALL the time.
Bump Status: Large, almost always moving and shifting around, hard (Ahhh Wonderful to me!)

Currently...
Eating: Whatever sounds good, when it sounds good. Lots of cereal...
Craving: Schlotzsky's!
Drinking: Water & Juice
Wearing: Maternity Pants, shorts, tanks, and kimonos are my favorites!
Feeling: Still relatively good! But the pregnancy symptoms are definitely making me a bit more uncomfortable..
Weather: It was REALLY warming up, we even broke 100 degrees, but luckly this week we are back in the 70s!
Wanting: To be on leave, at home, with a beautiful baby girl in my arms...
Thinking: About how soon all of this can turn in to reality.
Enjoying: Being pregnant and feeling so close to Quinn with all of her movements.
Missing: Sleeping on my stomach most...
Doing: As much walking as I can fit in, no more gym time, but lots of resting.
Looking Forward To: Our upcoming next few weeks! Things are going to be so exciting!


So, I don't think I've posted since our baby shower! We had our shower right around 32 weeks. Let me just begin with - WOW. Our house was FILLED with so many loved ones and kindness and PINK! I don't even know where to begin with thanking everyone for everything. This wonderful little miracle rainbow baby is so special to everyone already. She was definitely not "sprinkled" with love, she was FLOODED with it! She was given more clothes, blankets, diapers, necessities, toys, and keepsakes than I could have imagined. It took two hours to just get through the gifts. I swear I'm not bragging, I'm just so unbelievably thankful for all of our family and friends. We live in the same city as each of our families (divorced on both sides) live. So any family event like this, we are blessed to have SO many family members so close to us to get to share all of these moments with. Its so wonderful, and we are so grateful for it! The weather was beautiful that day, everything went smoothly, and I felt fantastic all day. It was a wonderful perfect gorgeous day. If you would have asked me to even envision a day like this a year, or even two years ago, I would have broken down in tears just trying to fathom it. Now, today, this dream is coming true.

The day following the shower was spent entirely with baby laundry (three FULL loads), organizing, cleaning, and sorting through all Quinn's things. It was all I wanted to do for months! I didn't exactly mean to knock it all out in one day, but let me just tell you, that day was way too much fun for me! I got all of everything done that I wanted! Her room is completely complete!


Now during this 34th week, pregnancy is starting to get just a little heavier... I have an OB appointment this week, and every week from here on out. I'm starting to feel more weighed down, having more random aches and pains (all normal), restless leg syndrome while I'm trying to sleep or rest, nausea, my appetite is still very up and down, started swelling a bit, still always sleepy, and uncomfortable. None of these are that bad, but I'm definitely feeling the weight of them all, more. I don't remember feeling more like this with Liam until 36 weeks... So I guess it just comes with the territory! I'm just happy to still be feeling this well.


Its so surreal to think how soon Quinn can be here. I'm so excited for her, to see her and smell her and hold her and love her! This time a year ago we were just getting ready for another egg retrieval for our second full round of IVF. We had no idea from then to now that we would have another failed transfer, followed by a third transfer that would result in this wonderful miraculous pregnancy. I'm so happy to be where we are now.


Thank you all for sharing all of this happy with us! Thank you for all your love and support as always!

Bump Update: 30 Weeks

Week: 30
Baby Size: Butternut Squash
Pregnancy Side Effects: Exhaustion
Bump Status: Big and round! My belly button is sticking out now too!

Currently...
Eating: Whatever I can. Similar to my pregnancy with Liam, I don't get to experience the full on binge pregnancy eating because I get full SO fast. But I do have quite an appetite!
Craving: Otter Pops, Good & Plentys, Ranch Dressing, & Café Rio.
Drinking: Water, Juicy Juice
Wearing: Tank Tops, Maternity Bottoms, and whatever shorts I find that still fit.
Feeling:  Really, really happy lately.
Weather: Warmer with a recent wind storm.
Wanting: Longer Weekends.
Thinking: About the exciting two months that are coming!
Enjoying: The warmer weather outside and all the festivities this month!
Missing: Sleeping on my stomach, and being able to twist around to pop my back.
Doing: Gardening, Some light workouts, Quilting, and Baby Shower planning!
Looking Forward To: Everything that April and May has in store for us!




Recently Quinn's movements have been so strong and purposeful. They don't feel like sporadic jerks and kicks as much anymore, but instead like she's on a mission to move to a certain spot or get comfortable. The other day she continued to stick herself out so I would rub my stomach where she was sticking out and every time I would stop, she would stick herself out more as if in response to my stopping. It was adorable. Its hard for me to get Justin to feel her big moves and rolls lately because she usually stops when he starts to feel (which is funny because I can have my hand on my stomach the whole time and she just keeps going... ). The other night we were watching TV surrounded by our family and she was moving around so much, Justin got to feel so much of it! Then just after she had the hiccups and he got to feel that too! I cant even describe these moments. We had them with Liam too, but they were different. I remember his movements being different. This time its just so different. I'm not as anxious for her birth, instead I'm just really enjoying and soaking up every day of this pregnancy. After the journey it took to get this far, knowing that no other pregnancy is ever guaranteed, its just so precious to me. I remember sitting on the couch with Justin's hand on my stomach just smiling like an idiot for so long... Just excited for him to feel what I walk around feeling all throughout the day. And to see the joy on his face too.. Its indescribable. I could live that every day.
We have been really, really happy recently. We had a heart to heart conversation about it, just the difference in how easily we laugh now, and how often. In general just a lighter happier feeling is in our home and just around us in general. It made me sad at first to acknowledge how dark things were for so long even through our best and positive efforts. I'm just so really really happy to be in such a happier place.

16 Weeks

Week: 16
Baby Size: Avocado (4in-5in)
Pregnancy Side Effects: Sensitive Stomach, & Sleepiness
Bump Status: My lower stomach is super hard, and when I lay on my back I can feel where the baby is! I have also been feeling more and more kicks!

Currently...
Eating: Fruit snacks, Pizza, Veggies, Sweets... (This baby throws me for a loop with how my eating habits are changed... Chicken is almost impossible to eat, along with most meats, and I just want crap food, but it never sits well, so I don't typically eat that either..)
Craving: Nachos, Cornbread, Ice Cream, Pizza, Cool Ranch Doritos....
Drinking: Decaffeinated Tea, Water, Juicy Juice
Wearing: Jeans, Leggings, Sweaters
Feeling: Wonderful! Sleepy!
Weather: VERY cold for December, but very refreshing.
Wanting: To sleep and cuddle all day while binge watching tv.
Thinking: About planning a new nursery for our baby girl Quinn and how to incorporate Liams things in it.
Enjoying: The dreams and realities of having a little girl.
Missing: Liam, especially more lately. Wanting to share all of this with him too. Missing warm yummy  coffee also...
Doing: Working, Exercising, and relaxing!
Looking Forward To: Starting nursery plans!










Justin has been working 6 days a week for awhile now and our only extra time off together seemed to revolve around doctor appointments. We were lucky enough to get to take a full 2 week vacation for Christmas. During this time we were also able to take a trip to Disneyland! Disneyland is a ridiculously special place for us. Im a Disney fanatic and my husband took me to Disneyland for the very first time ever when we first started dating. He eventually even proposed at Snow Whites wishing well. We've been back more times than we can count since then and made so many memories. We went while we were pregnant with Liam and it was so special to me. We also went with our other pregnancy, and we were happy to go for this one as well. Our original plan was to take our pups with us (Cassius, Laila and Nala). Cassius was recently diagnosed with Lymphoma and we didn't want to risk anything happening to him while we were gone and thought it would be a nice trip for all of us to experience together. Unfortunately, Cassius didn't live long enough for this. We made a decision to lay him to rest when his health took a quick turn for the worst. This was really rough for us. Cassius was the most amazing caring and protective dog. He was the absolute best with kids. Even in the short time he was with Liam he was so attached and concerned for him. We really planned on having him around when we started our family and always pictured him playing with our children. Like most things in our life, that plan did not fold out either. It may not have been Gods plan, or meant to be. Regardless, Im happy to feel that he is no longer in pain, and didn't that he didn't suffer. I also like to think that him and Liam are together; a little boy and his dog. The feeling in our home changed yet again, while the other two pups were adapting. Not wanting to leave their sides either, during our time off we did go forward with the Disney trip and brought Laila and Nala with us. It was bittersweet but special at the same time. They got to stay at the Disneyland Kennel Club while we made memories inside the park. We also visited Huntington beach for the first time with Laila. We are so thankful for these pups in our lives to help us smile and fill our days. The trip overall was such a blessing and a memorable time, especially while carrying this little skittle packet sized miracle!


During Christmas we were very excited to announce to all of our families (We both have divorced families that all live locally, so we typically have 4 or more gatherings for the holidays) individually with a special gender reveal cupcake that we are expecting a baby girl! We chose a family member at each stop to bite into a special cupcake to find that it was filled with pink sprinkles inside. It made it really fun and special for everyone around us. It made Christmas especially special for us. Christmas since Liam has been really hard. Its always nice to be surrounded by our families, especially because I know how close they are to Liam too. Its when we return home to an quiet house that it really sets in. A tree that should be covered with toddler gifts, and wrapping all over the floor. The day after Christmas when most were still off work, I ran errands passing houses and all I could think about was the joy that must have been inside of them. Kids that are playing with all their new things, parents joining in, just basking in the happiness of the day. It hit me pretty hard. What I would give to have that with Justin and Liam. He would be at such a fun age right now. Such a growing and learning age discovering new things and expressing him self more openly. I wish he could be here for this pregnancy and the welcoming of his new little sister. Instead it brings me joy and comfort to know he will always watch over her and us from above. As this pregnancy progresses I find that Im faced more and more with so many realities. So many different emotions that are hard to separate and justify. We want a family so much, but equally want Liam here with us as part of that family. I know that's something we cant change, but it will just always ache. I want this little girl to know every part of her brothers time with us, his story. Im also worried how much of a crazy mother Ill be with her in fear of everything that we had seen with Liam. I know Ill be more scared and cautious than normal. I know Ill see similarities and differences in them. I know I will relive a lot of really hard emotions and memories. I know it will take us awhile to adjust back in to active parenthood while adapting to parenting after a loss. My heart is just already filled with so much love and gratitude. It just also has a lot of grieving space for Liam that I don't think could ever be filled or replaced by anything else. I think at my absolute happiest, I will still feel incomplete without him. I also think that's okay. That's just how it will be and there will still be plenty of room in my heart for all of the love and happiness to come. One big, complex, deep, strong, and loving family.


I'm excited for the weeks to come. So happy to be at a place with this pregnancy that isn't as terrifying second by second as the beginning weeks. Even with the rougher symptoms that Ive experienced with this pregnancy, Im just as happy and content as can be, enjoying each and every moment of it especially since her little kicks and movements have been occurring daily. :)


Thank you all for your love and support for us all during this journey! I hope to continue sharing many more happy happy updates!

Bump Bliss: 10 Weeks

Week: 10
Baby Size: Hershey Kiss
Pregnancy Side Effects: Nausea, Food Aversions, Exhaustion, Embarrassing Emotional Crying Bursts...
Bump Status: Bloat... But The Bottom Of My Stomach Is Feeling Harder!

Currently...
Eating: English Muffins, Fruits, Veggies, Pizza
Craving: Mashed Potatoes w/Gravy, Sushi, Pizza
Drinking: Iced Water, Decaf Green Tea, Juice
Wearing: Jeans, Hoodies, Leggings, Jammies
Feeling: SO Happy, Thankful, Grateful, Tired, Hungry
Weather: Cold Crisp Mornings With Beautiful Sunrises, Really Enjoying The Weather Cooling Down. :)
Wanting: A Vacation
Thinking: About Names, Nursery Ideas, Holidays
Enjoying: Being Pregnant Period
Missing: Energy and Motivation
Doing: Work, Etsy Designs, Gym, Lots Of Relaxing With My Pups and Husband
Looking Forward To: Thanksgiving, Our First OB Appointment, Hitting The 12 Week Mark


As of Monday November 14th (9 weeks along) we graduated Red Rock Fertility Center and will now begin seeing a regular OB! I was also finally instructed to stop all my medications ( I was still on estrogen 3x a day, estrogen patches, & progesterone shots) except for my prenatal and baby aspirin. Baby looks healthy and is growing perfectly! This was a milestone I so badly wanted to reach! It was such a powerful happy day. This pregnancy has been a roller coaster, but is calming down, and going GREAT.


My previous pregnancies, I was nauseas like clockwork at 6 weeks, and lasted for only 1 week, happened during the morning only, and was manageable with ginger gum. This pregnancy, I have been nauseas since week six, it lasts almost all day, my Dr gave me a prescription to manage it, and I still have it in waves at 10 weeks. My previous pregnancies, there wasn't a lot of food that really turned me off, I just preferred fruits and vegetables. I drank almost 3 liters of water a day, and one Juicy Juice box a day. This pregnancy, this Hershey Kiss Baby, HATES meat and almost all food. I have never experienced such food aversions. I typically LOVE room temperature water over iced water. This baby will only accept iced water which makes it harder to drink as much as I should. Food-wise, nothing hardly ever sounds good. The second something does sound good, I try to indulge, but it usually ends in me just never wanting that particular food again. I'm usually ALWAYS starving... Its added a lot of challenges to our normal meal prepping and planning. But! As of this week, I've learned that the baby likes hard boiled egg whites, fruits and vegetables so that is what we will have. Along with a pack of Gushers every now and then because well, lets face it, this baby does take after its mother a bit already too....... ;) Overall, This pregnancy has been great to me. As the weeks go by I'm finding more and more peace and confidence that's slowing taking the place of fear and anxiety. I know Ill never feel carefree and easy going during any pregnancy again, but I'm really grateful to be at a place where I'm not panicking and over analyzing every twinge and symptom anymore. I've been so hesitant to share and be open with the pregnancy part of this journey so far. Its still surreal and I still have tears when I really let myself believe that its happening and that in June of next year we could actually have a newborn home with us, healthy and happy. I could bask in those dreams all day. But for some reason its harder for me to accept that it could actually be finally happening in our real lives. I've been trying to just really let my guard down and accept that I can be happy and relieved, but the realist in me knows how quickly everything could change. I know I shouldn't think like that, and Its not what I focus on, the fear is just always there. It just constantly forces me to remind myself of everything I have to be happy and thankful for today, everyday and for where I am now. I'm thankful for each and every day I'm pregnant with this amazing little miracle baby. I love watching his/her progress through sonogram. Love seeing how much he/she grows each visit. I'm really looking forward to going back to my previous OB and seeing our little one again on Monday. <3


Pregnancy after miscarriage is different. Pregnancy after losing a child is different. Pregnancy via IVF is different. But here we are. Living and embracing it. I'm so thankful that IVF worked for us. I'm so thankful to be pregnant. I'm really looking forward to the season upon us and the upcoming holidays. Its refreshing to be so purely happy.


A million times, thank you all. We love you all. I look forward to sharing many happy bump updates with you all!

Our (BFP) Big Fat Positive!

Third time's the charm they say.... Lucky number seven they say.... This was our 3rd round of IVF and 7th conception overall. Ive noticed that I have been writing a lot less this round. I would honestly account it to sheer fear and exhaustion. Im so happy and thankful to say that this round was successful! We got our Big Fat Positive! Now that the tension is a bit relieved, Id love to share the past few weeks.


Our transfer was on Tuesday September 27th. I remember numbly walking through it all but at the same time having a lighter and positive feeling about it. Typically, I'd be the first to write about that... However, it scared me too much, and was too hard to do. I felt hopeful the first time. The second time, I felt even more positive and optimistic. It was harder and harder to believe in these feelings let alone share them. So I didn't. We went through the transfer, and it went great! We transferred two little embryos - one boy and one girl. Then we went home to relax and hide the fact that we were both anxious and terrified and desperate to know how this would play out.


During the two week wait I avoided cold drinks and foods (ice cream, shakes, smoothies, iced drinks), I wore socks to keep my feet warm constantly, I drank a V8 every morning to ensure I consumed my daily amount of vegetables, I rested, and I avoided stress as much as I could. After about a week I would begin to feel a few symptoms, tiredness, soreness, etc. Some minutes I would feel so absolutely perfectly normal I was sure I wasn't pregnant. Other times I swore I was. Every symptom I did have, I had before and didn't have a good outcome. Each symptom was also a side effect from the medications I was on. I was scared to admit them, or believe in them. So, I numbly went through the next days just trying to get to the point where I could sleep so I could be another day closer to beta day (pregnancy test day). I thought about taking a home pregnancy test... I did in the past, but the first time they were negative, the second time there was a faint line and ended in a chemical pregnancy so I figured that if I did test at home the results would either crush me, or provide hope that could be a false hope that I still wouldn't know for certain was a real positive until beta day anyways. SO. To save my nerves - I held out. No at home testing. I decided to take that time to be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). Beta day would come regardless, and I would have to face the truth then. But, in this blissful meantime - I was pregnant. We even talked realistically about twins, often. I started to really enjoy the two week wait.


Beta day came.... We took the day off again so we could really absorb what the results were. We went in for blood at 8am. I asked the lady drawing my blood to "only take the pregnant blood please" which made her laugh, and gave me a little comic relief for the situation. I was terrified! I know youre supposed to be positive and have faith, and I had been praying so much and trying to understand so much and had really come to accept any scenario but really, really hoping that this would be it. That we could actually be pregnant and actually get to bring home a healthy baby that would grow into a child that would live a happy thriving life outliving us. I can think of it lightly like, okay, this is just a maybe scenario anyways, nothing is owed to us, this may not work, but we are so lucky to have this opportunity for this chance period. Then my emotions overwhelm me and the desperation kicks in and all I feel is how much I want and need this, how I want this for my husband, my family, etc, and I could never be close to whole again with out a child. It was just so much riding on a stupid blood test! So I tried to block it out, went home and waited for the call with Justin. And waited, and waited. I think it was finally after 3pm (aka 5 thousand years later...) that we finally got the call. We had a beta that was high enough to confirm pregnancy, and even better, it was a really high beta! That moment was indescribable. We just held each other and cried. We knew we still had a long way to go, but this was the best news we had gotten in a long, long time. Then we had to wait 2 days for another beta to make sure our hCG levels were rising as they should be. Another test, more doubt and fear, but also more good news!! Next we had to wait a week to repeat the same test, and confirm that my hCG was still rising even more. By this time I was just feeling tired all day and falling asleep by 9pm every night. A week finally passed and - again - great news!! Great hCG!


So next was a scheduled ultrasound to confirm that the baby/babies were where they should be, growing as expected and little hearts beating..... A few days before the ultrasound, I experienced spotting. I know for some spotting is normal, and pregnancy articles say it can be normal. Spotting has NEVER been normal for me... It has always indicated the beginning of a miscarriage. The amount of emotions that came over me demolished my efforts to stay calm and positive. They asked me to come in that day for an ultrasound to check everything. Luckily Justin was able to be there with me. We just hugged each other and prayed... It was very fast, and rushed but we saw one perfect little baby in there with a heart rate of 125! Measuring right around 6 weeks and 2 days or so. I couldn't believe it. At this point was it harder to believe good news over bad news? We were thrilled..... Just hearing a heart beat decreases your risk for a miscarriage. I just, I was so happy. They said not to be concerned with the bleeding and to come back in another week. Well, I had more spotting which set me back to my worrisome self. I was really looking forward to the next ultrasound. I would be 7 weeks and 5 days. My miscarriages would always be before or around 7 weeks. I felt like this was such a big milestone to get to. I had been feeling very nauseas, and very tired which were very reassuring to me. Any time I wasn't nauseas I was scared something was wrong.. Not to mention that I have still been on all my meds and have just been a ball of emotions through all of this.... So the day came, another ultrasound.... This one was longer. My Dr looked for the fetus and found it. She slowly measured and measured. Finally (since I was holding my breath the hole time waiting for this) she played his/her heartbeat at 144 bpm. Exhale. Wow... Everything is okay. Everything looks great! This little baby already looked so much bigger than last week! I mean, Ive seen it before, and you read about it on your "what to expect" app, but wow! It was really happening! We were astonished and thankful and just so so happy!



I was so scared to let myself really accept that I was finally pregnant again because I know how quickly it could end. I enjoyed each day for the gift it was but I couldn't really let myself dream of the future because I had so many worries. I had done it so many times before and the pain is torturous and hard to come back from. I honestly don't know how I made it this far sometimes. Im really thankful for how I feel Ive began to grow with God. Im also really glad for where we are now in life. To have this new hope and beginning we can enjoy. On November first everything sort of caught up with me... I noticed that wow... Its NOVEMBER. Where has this year gone.. Its going to be Christmas soon, another new year. For the first time in a LONG time, the idea didn't sadden me. I was actually looking forward to it instead of reflecting on what felt like more lost time. Im just so happy to be pregnant. I hope and pray more than anything that this pregnancy goes well, this baby continues to grow and thrive and that we get to take him or her home to live a happy and long life with us.


Thank you all again for following this crazy emotional roller coaster journey and for all of your love and support. Im looking forward to sharing this entire rainbow pregnancy experience with you!