Our (BFP) Big Fat Positive!

Third time's the charm they say.... Lucky number seven they say.... This was our 3rd round of IVF and 7th conception overall. Ive noticed that I have been writing a lot less this round. I would honestly account it to sheer fear and exhaustion. Im so happy and thankful to say that this round was successful! We got our Big Fat Positive! Now that the tension is a bit relieved, Id love to share the past few weeks.


Our transfer was on Tuesday September 27th. I remember numbly walking through it all but at the same time having a lighter and positive feeling about it. Typically, I'd be the first to write about that... However, it scared me too much, and was too hard to do. I felt hopeful the first time. The second time, I felt even more positive and optimistic. It was harder and harder to believe in these feelings let alone share them. So I didn't. We went through the transfer, and it went great! We transferred two little embryos - one boy and one girl. Then we went home to relax and hide the fact that we were both anxious and terrified and desperate to know how this would play out.


During the two week wait I avoided cold drinks and foods (ice cream, shakes, smoothies, iced drinks), I wore socks to keep my feet warm constantly, I drank a V8 every morning to ensure I consumed my daily amount of vegetables, I rested, and I avoided stress as much as I could. After about a week I would begin to feel a few symptoms, tiredness, soreness, etc. Some minutes I would feel so absolutely perfectly normal I was sure I wasn't pregnant. Other times I swore I was. Every symptom I did have, I had before and didn't have a good outcome. Each symptom was also a side effect from the medications I was on. I was scared to admit them, or believe in them. So, I numbly went through the next days just trying to get to the point where I could sleep so I could be another day closer to beta day (pregnancy test day). I thought about taking a home pregnancy test... I did in the past, but the first time they were negative, the second time there was a faint line and ended in a chemical pregnancy so I figured that if I did test at home the results would either crush me, or provide hope that could be a false hope that I still wouldn't know for certain was a real positive until beta day anyways. SO. To save my nerves - I held out. No at home testing. I decided to take that time to be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). Beta day would come regardless, and I would have to face the truth then. But, in this blissful meantime - I was pregnant. We even talked realistically about twins, often. I started to really enjoy the two week wait.


Beta day came.... We took the day off again so we could really absorb what the results were. We went in for blood at 8am. I asked the lady drawing my blood to "only take the pregnant blood please" which made her laugh, and gave me a little comic relief for the situation. I was terrified! I know youre supposed to be positive and have faith, and I had been praying so much and trying to understand so much and had really come to accept any scenario but really, really hoping that this would be it. That we could actually be pregnant and actually get to bring home a healthy baby that would grow into a child that would live a happy thriving life outliving us. I can think of it lightly like, okay, this is just a maybe scenario anyways, nothing is owed to us, this may not work, but we are so lucky to have this opportunity for this chance period. Then my emotions overwhelm me and the desperation kicks in and all I feel is how much I want and need this, how I want this for my husband, my family, etc, and I could never be close to whole again with out a child. It was just so much riding on a stupid blood test! So I tried to block it out, went home and waited for the call with Justin. And waited, and waited. I think it was finally after 3pm (aka 5 thousand years later...) that we finally got the call. We had a beta that was high enough to confirm pregnancy, and even better, it was a really high beta! That moment was indescribable. We just held each other and cried. We knew we still had a long way to go, but this was the best news we had gotten in a long, long time. Then we had to wait 2 days for another beta to make sure our hCG levels were rising as they should be. Another test, more doubt and fear, but also more good news!! Next we had to wait a week to repeat the same test, and confirm that my hCG was still rising even more. By this time I was just feeling tired all day and falling asleep by 9pm every night. A week finally passed and - again - great news!! Great hCG!


So next was a scheduled ultrasound to confirm that the baby/babies were where they should be, growing as expected and little hearts beating..... A few days before the ultrasound, I experienced spotting. I know for some spotting is normal, and pregnancy articles say it can be normal. Spotting has NEVER been normal for me... It has always indicated the beginning of a miscarriage. The amount of emotions that came over me demolished my efforts to stay calm and positive. They asked me to come in that day for an ultrasound to check everything. Luckily Justin was able to be there with me. We just hugged each other and prayed... It was very fast, and rushed but we saw one perfect little baby in there with a heart rate of 125! Measuring right around 6 weeks and 2 days or so. I couldn't believe it. At this point was it harder to believe good news over bad news? We were thrilled..... Just hearing a heart beat decreases your risk for a miscarriage. I just, I was so happy. They said not to be concerned with the bleeding and to come back in another week. Well, I had more spotting which set me back to my worrisome self. I was really looking forward to the next ultrasound. I would be 7 weeks and 5 days. My miscarriages would always be before or around 7 weeks. I felt like this was such a big milestone to get to. I had been feeling very nauseas, and very tired which were very reassuring to me. Any time I wasn't nauseas I was scared something was wrong.. Not to mention that I have still been on all my meds and have just been a ball of emotions through all of this.... So the day came, another ultrasound.... This one was longer. My Dr looked for the fetus and found it. She slowly measured and measured. Finally (since I was holding my breath the hole time waiting for this) she played his/her heartbeat at 144 bpm. Exhale. Wow... Everything is okay. Everything looks great! This little baby already looked so much bigger than last week! I mean, Ive seen it before, and you read about it on your "what to expect" app, but wow! It was really happening! We were astonished and thankful and just so so happy!



I was so scared to let myself really accept that I was finally pregnant again because I know how quickly it could end. I enjoyed each day for the gift it was but I couldn't really let myself dream of the future because I had so many worries. I had done it so many times before and the pain is torturous and hard to come back from. I honestly don't know how I made it this far sometimes. Im really thankful for how I feel Ive began to grow with God. Im also really glad for where we are now in life. To have this new hope and beginning we can enjoy. On November first everything sort of caught up with me... I noticed that wow... Its NOVEMBER. Where has this year gone.. Its going to be Christmas soon, another new year. For the first time in a LONG time, the idea didn't sadden me. I was actually looking forward to it instead of reflecting on what felt like more lost time. Im just so happy to be pregnant. I hope and pray more than anything that this pregnancy goes well, this baby continues to grow and thrive and that we get to take him or her home to live a happy and long life with us.


Thank you all again for following this crazy emotional roller coaster journey and for all of your love and support. Im looking forward to sharing this entire rainbow pregnancy experience with you!

IVF w/PGD Round 3 Timeline (FET Only)

July 29th 2016 - Began birth control pills.
September 3rd 2016 - Last Birth Control Pill.
September 7th 2016 - New CD1
September 8th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood Work.
September 9th 2016 - Begin Estrace, once a day.
September 12th 2016 -  First Acupuncture Appointment
September 13th 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC (Lining was a , Increase Estrace, twice a day,
September 15th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
September 16th 2016 - Increase Estrace, three times a day, added Viville Patch, and low dose Aspirin.
September 19th 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC. Lining was at 6.3mm. Dr added additional dose of Estrace (4 total) a day.
September 20th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
September 22nd 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC. Lining was at 8.7mm. Dr was happy with lining, Estrace went back down to 3x a day. Transfer Date was set for 9/27. Began Crinone and the progesterone in oil injection to daily meds.
September 27th 2016 - TRANSFER DAY! - We had an acupuncture appointment a few hours before our transfer. We transferred a 5AB-XX (Girl) and 5BB-XY (Boy). Then we were back home for two full days of rest.
September 30th 2016 - Hormone Check, Progesterone 29.58, Estradiol 417.6.





October 10th 2016 - Pregnancy Test Day/Beta, First beta was 1204!!!! BFP!

Round 3 Transfer Day!

Third time's the charm??? Lucky number 7th pregnancy/attempted pregnancy!? I'm hoping these numbers are a good sign!
This round has been even more relaxed that the previous. I used to have so much anxiety throughout the day just about remembering all of my meds at their right times. I would wake up in complete panic and shock thinking I messed something up, or forgot to take something. Its just so much to remember; 1 prenatal a day, 1 baby aspirin a day, Estrace morning, afternoon and night, Crinone insert in the morning, Viville patch (wear daily, switch to a new patch every three days) and Progesterone injection at night - I mean, Its ALOT to remember. Each round has gradually been easier and easier. This round I feel like I've been in this routine so often, its been alot easier to manage. Definitely less stress and anxiety. We had a slight challenge with my lining thickness this round leading to our transfer. I was on additional Estrogen for a few days, continued acupuncture and we finally got to the 9mm lining milestone we were looking for. (YESss!) Another change this round was whether to transfer 1 or 2 embryos. My Dr wanted to transfer two our first round. Justin and I were fine with that until we really started looking in to the details. Twins would be challenging, but I know we could handle them (well, half "knew", half "hoped"). Especially after our history, two little baby pies would be an amazing blessing for us. Then we looked at the risks. The risks with myself carrying them, with my previous preeclampsia and associated high blood pressure the odds of preeclampsia and high blood pressure again was higher with twins. We also looked at all the risks that could effect the twins themselves, premature birth (which almost always leads to NICU stay which will be really hard to go through again. With Liam, even though the nurses were amazing, I just felt like he was being kept from me and we missed out on a lot of our initial skin to skin and nurturing experiences because we were separated) health issues from them not both getting the nutrition they need or from their positioning, and many many more very serious life threatening risks. I know this can just look like rare percentages on paper to some people, but to someone who has lived through and seen the worst of scenarios, it was too much. All of this was enough to abruptly change our mind, especially when we had so many odds and factors in our favor previously (My first transfer, my age, previously being pregnant and carrying full term, high grade embryos). Now after two unexplained failed rounds, it was time to reevaluate. My Dr and coordinator both suggested to transfer two. My Dr has had an incredible experience with success rates when transferring two, and with her moms that carried multiples in cases similar to mine. After a few weeks of getting opinions from a few trusted sources, researching and really, really weighing our options, Justin and I decided to transfer two!


So, we were now ready for TRANSFER!

On Tuesday September 27th we transferred a 5AB-XX (Girl) and 5BB-XY (Boy). Our transfer went great. I was more comfortable with the uncomfortable procedure. When you arrive for a transfer you are asked to have a full bladder. This part is easy right? Until, you have that full bladder and it takes 20 minutes for them to call you back, then another 5 minutes to change clothes, and another 30 minutes sitting in the room waiting for the Dr. To transfer the embryos, they bring in a little incubator with your little embabies inside. My coordinator uses a sonogram machine to give the Dr an image of my uterus, while she inserts a catheter to insert the embryos. So, Full bladder, the feeling of some one pushing down on my bladder, while having a catheter inserted, all the while trying not to pee on everyone!? Its uncomfortable to say the least. However, the process once they bring the incubator in, takes less than 10 minutes. This time I was very familiar with how everything would go and that put me at ease. After surviving an additional 10-15 relaxing period after (while still managing not to pee) we were ready to head home. Our transfer went great!


And now we wait! Now we wait and over analyze over every possibly symptom, twinge, and feeling, wondering if it worked! The meds continue in the meantime and Ill be spending the next two week relaxing, hoping and praying. Thank you all!

Round Two: Transfer Day

Ah, Transfer Day for round two.... How different was this transfer for us compared to the first one. I sipped my last sip of wine four days prior, we meal prepped for the week 2 days prior and enjoyed the day before just us relaxing and listening to the surrounding areas lighting off fireworks in celebration of 4th of July. I was calm. I was relaxed. I was confident.


The next morning, I woke up and put on my face for the day along with my "comfortable transfer ready outfit" and headed out for breakfast. After devouring my short stack of Smores Pancakes with bananas we headed to acupuncture. I laid there listening to my indie music zoning out with 9 needles in my front side while Justin silently read his Sherlock Holmes. After we finished there we arrived at Red Rock Fertility Center, got our procedure bracelets and waited to be called back. When it was finally our time, I changed, and was set in our transfer room. A bit more waiting and in came the Dr and the embryologist with an incubator that had our little embryo in it. Less than ten minutes later we were finished and left to relax for a short time before returning home. We said a prayer together, relaxed and came home.


I've been so surprised at how different I feel this round. I don't want to be misleading, I still freak out like a crazy person, but its much less often! I feel so confident and calm. I try to really keep my mind busy on other petty things and the idea of the dream of a family instead of the stress of wondering if this worked or not.

The two week wait was hard the first week because its too early to feel any symptoms and all you want to do is take a pregnancy test at home to see if anything indicates whether he's sticking around in there. I tested on day 6 and day 9. The lines are extremely hard to see in this photo, but they were just faintly there. On day 6 there was no immediate second line. A few hours later there was a very, very faint line. It was enough for me! Our first round we didn't have any positive tests so this was already so reassuring for us. On day 9 I tested again and there was an immediate faint line. After this I was good. I felt like at least something was happening in there and we just had to wait out the results at this point. I had two days of extreme exhaustion (which was normal with my previous pregnancies) and a few other symptoms. However the progesterone in oil injection I was still taking daily had symptoms that mirrored pregnancy symptoms so besides the tiredness I tried not to read too much in to those and just enjoy the rest of week two.


All in all I feel that this went much better than our first round, and I'm really proud at how well I feel I did mentally stress and anxiety wise. Now we are just cautiously looking forward to results!

Round Two: Egg Retrieval and Embryo Update - EIGHT!

EIGHT.

I received the call early one morning while I was at my desk at work. I wasn't expecting to hear from them yet, and was completely caught off guard. The call itself lasted an entire 43 seconds. I answered, my coordinator told me she had results - pause - then asked if I wanted to year them (in response to my silence). To be perfectly honest I had been dreading the call. Everything had been going so well I was so scared of getting bad news. I didn't want to have any expectations and was perfectly content with the time in between of not knowing.... For once, the waiting was enjoyable, and happy. The thought of results and the reality of it and how much it meant was almost unbearable. So here I am, on the line, waiting for her to speak again in her monotone-giving-nothing-away voice as she goes on to tell me that we have EIGHT healthy unaffected embryos. Some are a very decent high grade, some a little less that high - but all healthy and disease free! She said congratulations, I said "K, thanks!" and hung up! Very rudely and abruptly - but I was just overwhelmed with emotions and needed to just process and soak it up! Also, mind you, I was still at my desk hoping that no one would approach me while on a call and holding back tears. So I paused and sat and processed, exhaled, and fast walked outside to call my husband immediately. Be were both so over-joyed and in such shock. It was torture to not be with him in person to just hold each other over the news.


Out of 16, we have 8. EIGHT! Eight unaffected healthy embryos. Eight CHANCES. Eight opportunities for the dream of growing our families, experiencing life growing within me again, to watch grow day by day as curiosity and learning happens before their eyes. Eight chances at experiencing the full gift of motherhood. Christmas mornings, Easter egg hunts, birthday parties, Disneyland trips, bedtime stories, jammie cuddles, Saturday morning cartoons, spilled milk, sleepless nights, and chaos. Even more so, the chance for not just one, but possibly siblings! The depth of it all! So many of these dreams I thought were slim if not over. This was our last shot. I know we still have the transfer to go through and that it needs to be successful but these chances! We have them. We are this far. They are frozen perfectly in time. What a milestone to achieve. My happiness cannot be obtained. The amount of swelling love I feel from this just brings me to tears. My gratitude is immeasurable. Thank you all for your continued prayers, love and support. Its been a long, long time waiting, but its happening.


Transfer is tentatively set for July. Making babies!