Our (BFP) Big Fat Positive!

Third time's the charm they say.... Lucky number seven they say.... This was our 3rd round of IVF and 7th conception overall. Ive noticed that I have been writing a lot less this round. I would honestly account it to sheer fear and exhaustion. Im so happy and thankful to say that this round was successful! We got our Big Fat Positive! Now that the tension is a bit relieved, Id love to share the past few weeks.


Our transfer was on Tuesday September 27th. I remember numbly walking through it all but at the same time having a lighter and positive feeling about it. Typically, I'd be the first to write about that... However, it scared me too much, and was too hard to do. I felt hopeful the first time. The second time, I felt even more positive and optimistic. It was harder and harder to believe in these feelings let alone share them. So I didn't. We went through the transfer, and it went great! We transferred two little embryos - one boy and one girl. Then we went home to relax and hide the fact that we were both anxious and terrified and desperate to know how this would play out.


During the two week wait I avoided cold drinks and foods (ice cream, shakes, smoothies, iced drinks), I wore socks to keep my feet warm constantly, I drank a V8 every morning to ensure I consumed my daily amount of vegetables, I rested, and I avoided stress as much as I could. After about a week I would begin to feel a few symptoms, tiredness, soreness, etc. Some minutes I would feel so absolutely perfectly normal I was sure I wasn't pregnant. Other times I swore I was. Every symptom I did have, I had before and didn't have a good outcome. Each symptom was also a side effect from the medications I was on. I was scared to admit them, or believe in them. So, I numbly went through the next days just trying to get to the point where I could sleep so I could be another day closer to beta day (pregnancy test day). I thought about taking a home pregnancy test... I did in the past, but the first time they were negative, the second time there was a faint line and ended in a chemical pregnancy so I figured that if I did test at home the results would either crush me, or provide hope that could be a false hope that I still wouldn't know for certain was a real positive until beta day anyways. SO. To save my nerves - I held out. No at home testing. I decided to take that time to be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). Beta day would come regardless, and I would have to face the truth then. But, in this blissful meantime - I was pregnant. We even talked realistically about twins, often. I started to really enjoy the two week wait.


Beta day came.... We took the day off again so we could really absorb what the results were. We went in for blood at 8am. I asked the lady drawing my blood to "only take the pregnant blood please" which made her laugh, and gave me a little comic relief for the situation. I was terrified! I know youre supposed to be positive and have faith, and I had been praying so much and trying to understand so much and had really come to accept any scenario but really, really hoping that this would be it. That we could actually be pregnant and actually get to bring home a healthy baby that would grow into a child that would live a happy thriving life outliving us. I can think of it lightly like, okay, this is just a maybe scenario anyways, nothing is owed to us, this may not work, but we are so lucky to have this opportunity for this chance period. Then my emotions overwhelm me and the desperation kicks in and all I feel is how much I want and need this, how I want this for my husband, my family, etc, and I could never be close to whole again with out a child. It was just so much riding on a stupid blood test! So I tried to block it out, went home and waited for the call with Justin. And waited, and waited. I think it was finally after 3pm (aka 5 thousand years later...) that we finally got the call. We had a beta that was high enough to confirm pregnancy, and even better, it was a really high beta! That moment was indescribable. We just held each other and cried. We knew we still had a long way to go, but this was the best news we had gotten in a long, long time. Then we had to wait 2 days for another beta to make sure our hCG levels were rising as they should be. Another test, more doubt and fear, but also more good news!! Next we had to wait a week to repeat the same test, and confirm that my hCG was still rising even more. By this time I was just feeling tired all day and falling asleep by 9pm every night. A week finally passed and - again - great news!! Great hCG!


So next was a scheduled ultrasound to confirm that the baby/babies were where they should be, growing as expected and little hearts beating..... A few days before the ultrasound, I experienced spotting. I know for some spotting is normal, and pregnancy articles say it can be normal. Spotting has NEVER been normal for me... It has always indicated the beginning of a miscarriage. The amount of emotions that came over me demolished my efforts to stay calm and positive. They asked me to come in that day for an ultrasound to check everything. Luckily Justin was able to be there with me. We just hugged each other and prayed... It was very fast, and rushed but we saw one perfect little baby in there with a heart rate of 125! Measuring right around 6 weeks and 2 days or so. I couldn't believe it. At this point was it harder to believe good news over bad news? We were thrilled..... Just hearing a heart beat decreases your risk for a miscarriage. I just, I was so happy. They said not to be concerned with the bleeding and to come back in another week. Well, I had more spotting which set me back to my worrisome self. I was really looking forward to the next ultrasound. I would be 7 weeks and 5 days. My miscarriages would always be before or around 7 weeks. I felt like this was such a big milestone to get to. I had been feeling very nauseas, and very tired which were very reassuring to me. Any time I wasn't nauseas I was scared something was wrong.. Not to mention that I have still been on all my meds and have just been a ball of emotions through all of this.... So the day came, another ultrasound.... This one was longer. My Dr looked for the fetus and found it. She slowly measured and measured. Finally (since I was holding my breath the hole time waiting for this) she played his/her heartbeat at 144 bpm. Exhale. Wow... Everything is okay. Everything looks great! This little baby already looked so much bigger than last week! I mean, Ive seen it before, and you read about it on your "what to expect" app, but wow! It was really happening! We were astonished and thankful and just so so happy!



I was so scared to let myself really accept that I was finally pregnant again because I know how quickly it could end. I enjoyed each day for the gift it was but I couldn't really let myself dream of the future because I had so many worries. I had done it so many times before and the pain is torturous and hard to come back from. I honestly don't know how I made it this far sometimes. Im really thankful for how I feel Ive began to grow with God. Im also really glad for where we are now in life. To have this new hope and beginning we can enjoy. On November first everything sort of caught up with me... I noticed that wow... Its NOVEMBER. Where has this year gone.. Its going to be Christmas soon, another new year. For the first time in a LONG time, the idea didn't sadden me. I was actually looking forward to it instead of reflecting on what felt like more lost time. Im just so happy to be pregnant. I hope and pray more than anything that this pregnancy goes well, this baby continues to grow and thrive and that we get to take him or her home to live a happy and long life with us.


Thank you all again for following this crazy emotional roller coaster journey and for all of your love and support. Im looking forward to sharing this entire rainbow pregnancy experience with you!

IVF w/PGD Round 3 Timeline (FET Only)

July 29th 2016 - Began birth control pills.
September 3rd 2016 - Last Birth Control Pill.
September 7th 2016 - New CD1
September 8th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood Work.
September 9th 2016 - Begin Estrace, once a day.
September 12th 2016 -  First Acupuncture Appointment
September 13th 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC (Lining was a , Increase Estrace, twice a day,
September 15th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
September 16th 2016 - Increase Estrace, three times a day, added Viville Patch, and low dose Aspirin.
September 19th 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC. Lining was at 6.3mm. Dr added additional dose of Estrace (4 total) a day.
September 20th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
September 22nd 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC. Lining was at 8.7mm. Dr was happy with lining, Estrace went back down to 3x a day. Transfer Date was set for 9/27. Began Crinone and the progesterone in oil injection to daily meds.
September 27th 2016 - TRANSFER DAY! - We had an acupuncture appointment a few hours before our transfer. We transferred a 5AB-XX (Girl) and 5BB-XY (Boy). Then we were back home for two full days of rest.
September 30th 2016 - Hormone Check, Progesterone 29.58, Estradiol 417.6.





October 10th 2016 - Pregnancy Test Day/Beta, First beta was 1204!!!! BFP!

Round 3 Transfer Day!

Third time's the charm??? Lucky number 7th pregnancy/attempted pregnancy!? I'm hoping these numbers are a good sign!
This round has been even more relaxed that the previous. I used to have so much anxiety throughout the day just about remembering all of my meds at their right times. I would wake up in complete panic and shock thinking I messed something up, or forgot to take something. Its just so much to remember; 1 prenatal a day, 1 baby aspirin a day, Estrace morning, afternoon and night, Crinone insert in the morning, Viville patch (wear daily, switch to a new patch every three days) and Progesterone injection at night - I mean, Its ALOT to remember. Each round has gradually been easier and easier. This round I feel like I've been in this routine so often, its been alot easier to manage. Definitely less stress and anxiety. We had a slight challenge with my lining thickness this round leading to our transfer. I was on additional Estrogen for a few days, continued acupuncture and we finally got to the 9mm lining milestone we were looking for. (YESss!) Another change this round was whether to transfer 1 or 2 embryos. My Dr wanted to transfer two our first round. Justin and I were fine with that until we really started looking in to the details. Twins would be challenging, but I know we could handle them (well, half "knew", half "hoped"). Especially after our history, two little baby pies would be an amazing blessing for us. Then we looked at the risks. The risks with myself carrying them, with my previous preeclampsia and associated high blood pressure the odds of preeclampsia and high blood pressure again was higher with twins. We also looked at all the risks that could effect the twins themselves, premature birth (which almost always leads to NICU stay which will be really hard to go through again. With Liam, even though the nurses were amazing, I just felt like he was being kept from me and we missed out on a lot of our initial skin to skin and nurturing experiences because we were separated) health issues from them not both getting the nutrition they need or from their positioning, and many many more very serious life threatening risks. I know this can just look like rare percentages on paper to some people, but to someone who has lived through and seen the worst of scenarios, it was too much. All of this was enough to abruptly change our mind, especially when we had so many odds and factors in our favor previously (My first transfer, my age, previously being pregnant and carrying full term, high grade embryos). Now after two unexplained failed rounds, it was time to reevaluate. My Dr and coordinator both suggested to transfer two. My Dr has had an incredible experience with success rates when transferring two, and with her moms that carried multiples in cases similar to mine. After a few weeks of getting opinions from a few trusted sources, researching and really, really weighing our options, Justin and I decided to transfer two!


So, we were now ready for TRANSFER!

On Tuesday September 27th we transferred a 5AB-XX (Girl) and 5BB-XY (Boy). Our transfer went great. I was more comfortable with the uncomfortable procedure. When you arrive for a transfer you are asked to have a full bladder. This part is easy right? Until, you have that full bladder and it takes 20 minutes for them to call you back, then another 5 minutes to change clothes, and another 30 minutes sitting in the room waiting for the Dr. To transfer the embryos, they bring in a little incubator with your little embabies inside. My coordinator uses a sonogram machine to give the Dr an image of my uterus, while she inserts a catheter to insert the embryos. So, Full bladder, the feeling of some one pushing down on my bladder, while having a catheter inserted, all the while trying not to pee on everyone!? Its uncomfortable to say the least. However, the process once they bring the incubator in, takes less than 10 minutes. This time I was very familiar with how everything would go and that put me at ease. After surviving an additional 10-15 relaxing period after (while still managing not to pee) we were ready to head home. Our transfer went great!


And now we wait! Now we wait and over analyze over every possibly symptom, twinge, and feeling, wondering if it worked! The meds continue in the meantime and Ill be spending the next two week relaxing, hoping and praying. Thank you all!

Approved for Round 3!

Oye what a roller coaster this has been! A lot of things happened after our failed 2nd round... After the initial shock of it all, some serious depression set in, a lot of doubt, a lot of self pity, a lot of anger - just a lot of bad. I had to rebuild myself all over again, again.


Thankfully on the good side, I still have 7 healthy perfect embryos. I also felt ready to try again, because I know I have to if we want our family. The challenges include the fact that Im almost at my lifetime max with fertility treatments from my insurance. Once the maximum is met all charges associated with my transfer would come our of pocket. We were ready to start a new round in August. My clinic contacted me to let me know that in order to have insurance help with this next round, all of our previous claims would need to be finalized which could take up to 90 days. So, I went back on birth control, and waited for the call saying we were ready to begin. Thankfully, in early September we got the call that everything was finalized and that balance with insurance was enough to fully cover our third transfer. (WHATTT!?) We were so thankful that we wouldn't have to come out of pocket! Even more so, I had a lot of medication left over from my previous round due to my insurance requiring 90 day refills for some of them. This round would cost us practically nothing! What a blessing. What great news. So, our next round is covered, paid and set to begin soon!

IVF Round 2 - Failed.

I haven't written much lately. I have a million drafts that I cant bring myself to post. Most of them I feel are too raw and are written in such a low depressed state that I feel its just going to make people sad especially with no silver lining in sight as of yet. I feel like I've been finding new ways to cope and live life after everything changing so abruptly two years ago. Lately I have just been sort of floating by trying not to think so much about how badly we want a family of our own, if we will or wont ever have it, while dealing with whatever medical protocol we are currently on at the time. Every time I think I'm doing things right or at least heading in the right direction. Lately I just feel like I'm slowly losing myself and the desire to do things that used to make me happy. After our first failed round I really focused on me again and got my self in amazing health. I felt good. Justin and I decided that it was time to stop letting our faith linger in the in between and that we needed to read the Bible for ourselves to really form our own opinions and find faith stronger and clearer than ever before. I feel like after every loss we try to find a new way to improve and be better and stronger and move forward. I know this is a good thing, but it sure does make things hurt so much more when they still don't work out. The amount of strength that it takes for you to even be positive again and further more, really let yourself believe in that positivity really opens your self up for such a deeper pain when you're let down yet again. I feel so defeated, so unbelievably tired, and so lost.


Our second IVF round has failed. Our first official beta test on Monday and my hCG level came back at 4.5. Our hearts just sank. I was happy to have hCG in my system at all, but I knew this number was bad. Technically your level should be >5 to even be considered a pregnancy at all. By this time in the process your hCG level should be >100 to indicate a strong pregnancy. We were told to come back in two days to retest. The second beta came back at 7.5. Oh what a way to toy with emotions.... The level increased. Typically that's a great thing.  It was so easy to feel hopeful again but at the same time, if 7.5 was our initial number, it still would have still been bad. So we were told to come in for a 3rd beta. This one came back at 3. I was told to stop all meds, and that they call this a biochemical or chemical pregnancy. For those of you not familiar a chemical pregnancy is another term for a very early miscarriage (around 5 or 6 weeks). I was pregnant but the embryo didn't continue to grow or didn't implant completely/correctly. How we so desperately hoped that God would somehow bless us and intervene with some type of miracle.


Its amazing how easy it is to quickly spiral back down to the bottom. How this one test result creates a domino effect of everything that is suddenly wrong in our lives. I had hoped that with reading the Bible that I would find some comfort or confidence that I could fall back on. Instead I just think of all the early chapters that we have went through that indicate that children are a blessing and situations of those who were being punished or were clearly not blessed would not have children. It shouldn't be so easy to feel so low about your self in the eyes of God no less. All I hear is of his love and I want to feel it like everyone else seems to. I don't want to sound like I don't have faith or that I am questioning God or faith. I know the verses that say that he will have great things for us and that its his plan not ours. I just wish I knew if those plans were one in the same. And in the meantime I feel so left out and alone.


Lately I've tried so hard to not compare my situation to where anyone else is in their life. Its hard because I don't want to compare, but everyone around me is having kids, is waiting for us to have our kids, making plans and dreams about our kids playing together, etc. I just feel like I'm on the outside of some club waiting to get in. I want to do these things! We have been ready! Liam should be playing with my friends and families kids. I should be doing all the things we planned to do with him in addition to his sibling we would have had by now. How perfectly it would have all worked out. I'm working so hard on a dream that is out of my control. I'm happy that I don't feel spiteful, or jealous, I just feel like there's something wrong with me. It feels so lonely. So un-relatable, cruel and isolating. I turn to a lot of my support groups with fellow IVFers. Its so amazing when they have successful rounds and they get to move on with their life with a promising pregnancy. But its also so hard when you see others that have had 6+ rounds with no luck at all and even worse, watch those stop pursuing at all because they simply are drained of funds or of the mental and physical demands that it takes. People say it will happen, and it can, But I've also seen so many examples of when it just doesn't. Ever. I feel so crazy wanting something so badly.


On top of all of this with myself, the worlds issues also pile up making me feel even smaller and more insignificant. Terrorist attacks, shootings, police shootings, politics, the election.... I just wish things were simpler, purer. I don't know how the world became this. It makes me fearful of so much. It makes me question so much.


How easy it is to wallow in self pity... I hate it deeply. I hate sharing it. But more so I would hate for anyone else to feel that they are the only one that feels this way. Its okay to feel this way.... Its a healthy stage in grief. Its necessary. I spend a good day earlier this week when I came to terms with the outcome dealing and feeling this way. Today it was all opened up again when we got the final call.


Yet, still, somehow I feel calm. I feel like it still isn't the end and that we just need to keep going. As much as it hurts, we've been through this and worse before and we will be okay. I'm so thankful to have such a rock of an amazing husband who puts up with my roller coaster of emotions and is hand in hand with my on this journey. A husband who's been nothing short of supportive, positive, loving and caring through it all. No matter the end result I know I will be okay with him. I still believe that God has a plan for us and I have to believe its wonderful. I still intend to continue reading his word with Justin and grow from it. We still have 7 chances at this. I'm not as far to even think about the timeline to expect, fathom the funds, or prepare myself physically and mentally yet, but we still have 7 chances. Seven healthy, disease free frozen in time chances. I am more overwhelmed by those blessings alone that it helps me see past the bad. If Liam wants more time being an only child and is busy picking out the most perfect beautiful souls to send down to us then so be it. We will always have his memory. If it wasn't for the life changing love that we got to experience through him I don't know that we would even have the strength to keep fighting this hard. He changed us forever.


One day, we will have the best most amazing happy news to share with everyone. It will be one of the best days of my life. I really hope that this is finally the end of the bad and that things can only get better from here on out. It does in a way comfort me to know that so many of the happiest parts of my life haven't even happened yet and that they are to come. I cant thank everyone enough for being on this wild ride with us over the last two years and always showing support and love. We are very blessed. We love you all, and thank you.

Round Two: Transfer Day

Ah, Transfer Day for round two.... How different was this transfer for us compared to the first one. I sipped my last sip of wine four days prior, we meal prepped for the week 2 days prior and enjoyed the day before just us relaxing and listening to the surrounding areas lighting off fireworks in celebration of 4th of July. I was calm. I was relaxed. I was confident.


The next morning, I woke up and put on my face for the day along with my "comfortable transfer ready outfit" and headed out for breakfast. After devouring my short stack of Smores Pancakes with bananas we headed to acupuncture. I laid there listening to my indie music zoning out with 9 needles in my front side while Justin silently read his Sherlock Holmes. After we finished there we arrived at Red Rock Fertility Center, got our procedure bracelets and waited to be called back. When it was finally our time, I changed, and was set in our transfer room. A bit more waiting and in came the Dr and the embryologist with an incubator that had our little embryo in it. Less than ten minutes later we were finished and left to relax for a short time before returning home. We said a prayer together, relaxed and came home.


I've been so surprised at how different I feel this round. I don't want to be misleading, I still freak out like a crazy person, but its much less often! I feel so confident and calm. I try to really keep my mind busy on other petty things and the idea of the dream of a family instead of the stress of wondering if this worked or not.

The two week wait was hard the first week because its too early to feel any symptoms and all you want to do is take a pregnancy test at home to see if anything indicates whether he's sticking around in there. I tested on day 6 and day 9. The lines are extremely hard to see in this photo, but they were just faintly there. On day 6 there was no immediate second line. A few hours later there was a very, very faint line. It was enough for me! Our first round we didn't have any positive tests so this was already so reassuring for us. On day 9 I tested again and there was an immediate faint line. After this I was good. I felt like at least something was happening in there and we just had to wait out the results at this point. I had two days of extreme exhaustion (which was normal with my previous pregnancies) and a few other symptoms. However the progesterone in oil injection I was still taking daily had symptoms that mirrored pregnancy symptoms so besides the tiredness I tried not to read too much in to those and just enjoy the rest of week two.


All in all I feel that this went much better than our first round, and I'm really proud at how well I feel I did mentally stress and anxiety wise. Now we are just cautiously looking forward to results!

IVF w/PGD Round Two Timeline

February 23, 2016 - Reviewed previously failed IVF Round. No changes to protocol were made except to stim longer in hopes to retrieve more eggs which should raise our odd for creating unaffected embryos. Decided to wait until April cycle to begin birth control for round two.


April 15th 2016 - Received call to begin Estrace and Aygestin. I was out of town and did not expect to begin taking meds until starting with birth control on the 16th. They changed my protocol due to the timing of my cycle and this sped up our process.


April 16th 2016 - Began taking Estrace and Aygestin (Since I was out of town I couldn't start on the 15th, they adjusted my timeline and I was instructed to begin today)


April 19th 2016 - Ordered Stim Medications/Injections from Integrity RX Pharmacy. ($900.00 w/Discounts)


April 28th 2016 - Begin of new cycle.
April 29th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood work
April 30th 2016 - Begin Stims - 75 Menopur, 125 Gonal F.
May 3rd 2016 - Ultrasound and Bloodwork
May 5th 2016 - Add Cetrotide in addition to Menopur and Gonal F.
May 8th 2016 - Last day for stims!
May 9th 2016 - Trigger Shot (Ovidrel) at 10pm
May 11th 2016 - Egg Retrieval 10am (Retrieved 32 eggs!)
May 12th 2016 - First Emryo Update (22 mature, 20 fertilized)
May 16th 2016 - Day 5 update (16 embryos made it to day 5 blastocyst and have been frozen and samples have been sent for PGD/PGS Results!)




May 22nd 2016 - New cycle began (Earlier than expected)
May 24th 2016 - Began birth control pills.
May 31st 2016 - First Acupuncture Appointment
June 2nd 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 8th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 10th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 12th 2016 - Last Birth Control Pill.
June 14th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 16th 2016 - New Cycle began
June 16th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 17th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood Work.
June 18th 2016 - Begin Estrace, once a day.
June 22nd 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC, Increase Estrace, twice a day, Acupuncture appointment.
June 25th 2016 - Increase Estrace, three times a day, Begin Estrogen Patch, Begin baby aspirin once a day.
June 27th 2016 - Ultrasound and blood work at RRFC
June 28th 2016 - Acupuncture appointment
June 30th 2016 - Continue Estrace, Patch, Asprin, Prenatal, Add Crinone and PIO (Progesterone in Oil injection)
July 2nd 2016 - Added Medrol to the medication list.
July 5th 2016 - Transfer day! Transferred 1 healthy baby boy 5BB blast.
July 18th 2016 - Beta #1: 4.5
July 20th 2016 - Beta #2: 7.5
July 22nd 2016 - Beta #3: 3.


Result of IVF Round Two: Failed. Chemical Pregnancy.

The Plan...

As you know, our journey to starting a family has been a long and very unexpected one. When we tried the first time, it was easy. After the miscarriage it took some time to recover but when the time came and we tried again, within a couple months we were pregnant with Liam. It was scary to be constantly in fear of miscarriage again, but the pregnancy was so happy and blissful. I thought I was through the worst of the worst. Then we lost Liam. Then we learned why. Then after about seven months of healing and researching our options, decided to take a huge leap of faith and try for another child naturally. When that resulted in another miscarriage and another loss from the same genetic disorder as Liam, we were at a new rock bottom. Since then, we started IVF w/PGD and after a very, very long road of that also failing, we again, are at a new rock bottom. Since 2012 my focus has been starting a family. After having and losing Liam in 2014 and experiencing  losing everything thing that we'd wanted for so long, having more children had become my everything. I would wake up and my first thoughts would be all of the loss and emptiness from the last few years. I'd have to regularly talk my self out of that depression every single morning and replace it with all the things I was doing to help us have a child. I would force myself to be positive. Its all I could ever think about. With every other pregnancy announcement, every niece/nephew/cousin's birthday party, every holiday gathering, every party night out all I could think of is what our lives should have been like vs what it actually is and how to just get the happy times back. Everything hurt all the time. I thought I was doing what needed to be done by forcing it, you know "fake it till you make it", but now after its gone on for so long, I'm not sure that's still the best course. I realize now I haven't been happy and I've neglected or half assed a lot of other areas in my life as a result. Its went on for too long.


We had a consult with our Dr at Red Rock Fertility Center to review our failed IVF cycle. She said exactly what we expected her to. I responded better than average to all medications. The average eggs retrieved is typically around 12, we had 16, succeeding in that area too. When we did the transfer my levels were perfect. There was no medical reason found as to why it didn't work. It just simply didn't. Of course they want us to try again, and their only real change to the process is to possibly do the stim shots longer to try and retrieve even more eggs since our disorder is knocking so many of them out. Fortunately, my work had some insurance changes this year, and I'm on a plan that may allow for up to $7,500.00 lifetime maximum to go towards IVF w/PGD. Since they also marked me as having PCOS I should be approved for this coverage, which would help tremendously. The medications, and other procedures will still be a lot. But it may be something we can do. I'm happy to have that kind of assistance at all.


They let me know that we could start the IVF process again immediately depending on my body and my next cycle. After really trying to think about the next best course, we have decided to plan on trying IVF (hopefully) again in April. Ill be able to get a more clear price quote in early April and go from there. I also would just be fooling myself if I thought Id be ready to jump back in to all of this next month with March being a very sensitive month already.

 

So - In this meantime, I will not focus my every thought on what I don't have and want so desperately. I will focus on different things. New goals. New dreams. This is not saying that our others wont come true, I just know I need a break. We have decided to make a few changes to our life now. I truly believe I need to stop numbly going through the motions

of life while waiting for this storm to pass. I feel that I've miserably wasted the last year and a half by doing this. I need to be happy now. I need to embrace the happy things in my life (more) now. So here's the plan.

 

1. I'm focusing on bettering myself.
• I'm a firm believer that you are responsible for your own happiness (yes, even still). Despite everything we've been through, I cannot just sit back and expect to just wake up happy one day pregnancy or no pregnancy. I decided to sign up for a 6 week fitness program at RAW Fitness. Currently we consume "mostly" healthy prepped meals during the work week and eat out/less healthy on weekends paired with working out 4 days a week but I easily find a reason to be upset and leave early or slack off. This program will consist of a very strict meal plan, no alcohol, and 4-5 high intense workouts a week. I already know I'll be grumpy, sore and sober regretting it after the first two days, but I think in the long run I need this type of discipline to make sure I put more effort into it. I'd love to go into a future pregnancy being at a more healthy weigh. Plus after all of the IVF medications causing weight gain and the on and off workout restrictions, I haven't been able to really focus on slimming down as much as I have wanted to, and lets face it, I'm a total stress eater. Being at a confident place body-wise has turned into another thing that I "want but don't have" and there's no reason for it now. I need to suck it up, and get it done. If I can do it, I will feel so unbelievably better about myself. I think that's a great place to start.
2. We are planning a trip.
• This fitness plan will be over right before my birthday. Instead of being depressed at how I'm another year older and should have two happy healthy kids by now, I'm going to celebrate and hopefully with a skinnier bod! I'm not sure when or where but I know that we will figure it out, and have a quick get-a-way to just relax and enjoy each other. Even just some fresh California air or Duck Creek scenery will be so refreshing. Its long overdue.
3. We got a puppy!
• Meet Laila <3 We have wanted another boxer for so long, and were so close to getting one so many times. Each time we would sit down with our "responsible" selves and decide its just too much right now. With this first round of IVF we were planning on having two embryos to transfer (instead of just the one) and having the very real possibility of twins. Two infants, two car seats, two large boxers and a tiny chihuahua?! Our car isn't even big enough for that life! So we again decided against it. Now that things are different, we decided to not wait anymore. We now have a window for this puppy to train without any additional responsibilities while keeping us busy. I know we sound like crazy dog people, but we are! Since everything with Liam, our dogs have just been different too. Its like they can feel the energy in our house is different. Its like they don't understand what happened when mom got all big, then brought home a baby, then never brought him back and smells and objects changed around the house. Having this new little puppy brought so much LIFE and HAPPY into our home again. Cassius has some one to play with (when he's not annoyed with her) and bring the puppy out of him again. I'm so so happy for this little sweet girl.

So, plain and simple right? I'm sure it sounds counter productive to take more on right now, but I really think its exactly what we need. I hope we get the most out of these upcoming months so we can be back to happy and strong when we need it most while trying again. Focusing on the other areas that I've neglected and improving them is something I do have control over and I'm really happy to have a goal that I can actually make happen. I'm excited to have a new addition to our fur baby family. Someone to shake up our routine. I'm happy to have a trip to look forward to that we will enjoy regardless instead of a doctor appointment that consists of either good or bad news. I know Ill still have bad days, but like they say, "Its a bad day, not a bad life". Even though sometimes it can feel the other way around. I want to be happy again. Really happy. I really believe this could be the right path to get back there.


As always, thank you all for your love, support, and understanding <3

The BFN.

Ill be honest.


This post is uncensored, raw, and real. Its not one to give "warm & fuzzies". Its not one I ever wanted to write. I do so, because I'm not the only one that's going through this. I'm not the only one that had $16,000.00 for IVF, $5,000.00 for PGD, and over $3,000.00 in specialty medications and injections thrown down the drain for absolutely nothing in return. Im writing this in case someone else is suffering while trying to grow their family and maybe needs to hear that its okay to be angry , tired and distraught. I know ill pull myself together again, but its not without all these feelings that come along with it. I cannot believe IVF failed for us. I thought we would at the very least have remaining frozen embryos to fall back on. We have nothing.  Well, I guess that's not entirely true. I have lovely lumps and bruises left over from progesterone shots. I still actually have some marks on my legs from stim shots before the egg retrieval. I look about four months pregnant (which is just exceptionally cruel) from all of the other hormones causing extreme bloating, stress eating, and from not being able to work out for the last few weeks. Oh, and I even have the mood swings of a raging PMSer and the ability to cry repeatedly at the drop of a hat. I also got to lead all of my friends and family down this amazing inspiring story just to get their hopes up to later let them crash and burn as well. So, I guess if you're a "glass half full" kind of person, you could say I got something out of it after all. I'm also sure I'm not the only one that's been through all of that either. Sadly, I know too well, there are many of us.


We were given remarkable odds for IVF. Because I've already naturally became pregnant, carried and given birth to Liam, my body was expected to be more accepting of the process. I'm healthy, active, and young. All the odds were in our favor. After the FET (frozen embryo transfer) I stayed on bed rest for three days, doctors orders. I tried to hit most of the "old wives tales"  that surrounded IVF success stories. I had been drinking 4+ liters of water daily, and morning smoothies (room temperature) for a few weeks leading up to the big day, and following. I had pineapple core, pomegranate juice, berries, nuts, avocado, healthy oils (coconut, extra virgin, etc), leafy greens, and more daily in addition to our regular balanced meals. I stayed away from anything frozen or cold. I immediately started avoiding the normal things you should while pregnant. After the three days, I went to work, came home and relaxed as instructed. I went on a few light walks with the pups, and enjoyed lots of funny and feel good movies. I was feeling great. I was positive. I had maybe two times where I could tell my blood pressure raised and I'm sure it was from being anxious. I did the best I could to take deep breathes and calm myself down. Everyone just "says" to not get stressed out. Lets not even get started on how unrealistic that even is. Its only everything on the line here while its all out of my control. When aching for your first born, remembering the miscarriages along with the other baby boy we should have had, and the constant yearning for a baby to have and hold to take home safely while realizing that it could all be happening right now inside your own body is the first thing and only thing on your mind every single moment of every single day, yeah, I guess it should be just so easy to not think about or stress about. Its only our life. But yeah, shame on me for "stressing" which I feel despite everything I did a great job avoiding.


On day eight (8dp5dt) I took a home pregnancy test. It was negative. I didn't let that scare me. I knew it was early, and when I was pregnant before I never was ever able to get a positive pregnancy test early. I just kept doing the things that distracted me, and made my days happy. I tested again (12dp5dt) the day before I was supposed to go to Red Rock Fertility to test. It was negative again. That's when I accepted it. I knew that there could be some miracle change and I was so open to that, but I knew, I wasn't pregnant. I knew it had failed. The next day came and sure enough, they confirmed it. It hurt just as bad as the day before.


There was so much lost emotionally. Not to mention the time it all took and the costs. Normally if you have a failed round you have other embryos to try and transfer. Its a matter of waiting a month or so and trying again, and again. If you don't have embryos left, well, you start all over from the beginning. If we could even try it again, it would be months to go through the checks again, birth control. stims, egg retrieval, testing, and IF we even get any healthy embryos - finally transfer....... All you do while you wait is try and stay hopeful. You envision your life and what it could be like if and when this process works. You lose yourself in that dream and all of its wonderfulness. Then that too is taken and you feel like a fool for thinking it in the first place.


Liam would have been two in upcoming March. TWO. Running, talking, growing. I have SO SO many closest friends and family that are starting and continuing their families. I should be pregnant with a toddler running around to catch right along side with them. It seems like the perfect foundation for the life I wanted FOR my children is surrounding me perfectly . Only its cruel because I have nothing to contribute but sorrow and failed attempts. I'm so happy for them, but so destroyed to not be with them. I just want that next chapter of life. I feel sad for my family. Knowing that it breaks them to know that this didn't work. The distant ones that I know feel for us, but avoid talking to us because they don't even know what to say or what they believe in anymore. I hate feeling responsible for so many other peoples pain. I feeling like because what's happened to us, has questioned their own faith. You know that girl that just lights up the room when she walks in? Well, when I enter a room, I feel like the dark cloud that reminds everyone of sadness, pain, and pity, making them feel uneasy. Now instead of focusing on holding myself together, I feel the pressure to try and make everyone else feel comfortable and show them how "okay" I am to put them at ease.  I want nothing more than to finally have news that will make them happy. I'd love to have park play dates and BBQs with my friends while all of our kids run around and play together. Now I'm not sure if this dark cloud will ever even leave us. I feel that I have failed. I feel ashamed and disgraced. I'm so unbelievably sad for everything. Its truly unbelievable. There are no words, no comfort, nothing that can fix what seems broken.


I don't want this all to be taken as "oh, woe is me". This is just what life is for us right now. Of course I'm angry and distraught, but that's okay. I'm okay. We really will be okay. I'm not sure what our next steps are. I know we will meet with Red Rock Fertility center to see if they have any feedback, but everything went so perfectly, I'm not sure if they will even have any. It is what it is. This just wasn't the miracle we were hoping it would be. I have no idea what to do now going forward. To be honest, I'm exhausted. I know Ill be taking some time to focus on myself again. I feel so lost in everything that its important for me to feel like me again. For now, Ill just surround myself with all the good in life. My husband. Our home. Our pups. Our family. Our friends. Hiking in the beautiful upcoming Spring scenery. Wine & LUSH Bath bombs. The little things. I don't know why we are here, or why these hardships have fallen on us. I know that its hardened me very much. Its changed me in many, many ways. I also know that's it's made my heart bigger, my marriage unconditional, my patience stronger and my compassion for others grow. These are things that some people lack their entire lives either by ignorance or circumstance. I never want to be that old bitter, mean, lonely woman. I'm so thankful for the angels and wonderful people in my life. Thank you for always being here, supporting, praying, and loving us. And for the other hurting mommas out there... Hopefully the miracle you're waiting for comes to you, and soon. Its so so easy to lose yourself in this process. Live while you wait for the storm to pass.


I promise. We will be okay.

IVF Timeline from Beginning to End (Round 1)

I know when I started this process, I wanted to know what type of timeline to expect. It helped me to have a clear idea of how long it would all take. Below is the timeline for our first round of IVF. Our round went perfectly. Nothing was set back or canceled. I responded perfectly to all meds and procedures. Below is our timeframe of our experience with IVF doing a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) from the beginning consult, through stims, egg retrieval, transfer and end result.


July 2015 - Scheduled a consultation with Red Rock Fertility. Our Treatment package was $16,000.00 for one round. PGD was $4,500.00. Stim Meds - $2,529.30. Transfer Meds $559.95. Round one total expenses, $23,589.25 plus insurance deductibles, etc.


September 8th 2015 - Our first appointment with Red Rock Fertility. They reviewed our case, discussed pricing and the overall process.
September 17th 2015 - Paid Genesis Genetics, Probe construction and research began.
September 29th 2015 - Diagnostic Testing, Ultrasound & Blood work, Female Exam, Day 3 cycle specific, Semen Analysis, Hormone check.
October 1st 2015 - Sonohysterography
October 4th 2015 - Preop labs.
October 6th 2015 - Surgery (Hysteroscopy) to examine uterine cavity
October  21st 2015 - Follow up Consult and Treatment plan. Began Birth Control Pills.
November 9th 2015 - Ordered Stim Medications/Injections from Integrity RX Pharmacy.
November 25th 2015 - Last birth control pill
December 1st 2015 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood work, Started Stims (Menopur & Gonal F).
December 4th 2015 - Ultrasound and Blood work, Increased Gonal F.
December 7th 2015 -  Ultrasound and Blood work

December 9th 2015 -  Ultrasound and Blood work, Trigger Shot.

December 11th 2015 - Egg Retrieval - Retrieved 16 eggs, 11 mature, 9 fertilized via ICSI. 7 made it to blast (day 5) and were sent for PGD testing.
December 24th 2015 - Back on birth control pill.
December 30th 2015 - Received the following results for our PGD testing.

1. 1 - Affected GACI Carrier
2. 2 - Affected GACI Carrier
3. 3 - Other Chromosome Abnormalities
4. 4 - Affected GACI Carrier
5. 5 - Unaffected GACI Carrier (5AA Baby girl)
6. 6 - Unknown (Sent to retest and embryo didn't survive thaw)
7. 7 - Affected GACI Carrier

January 8th 2016 - Last birth control pill
January 13th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood work.
January 14th 2016 - Began 1 tab Estrace Estrogen and baby aspirin daily.
January 18th 2016 - Ultrasound and Blood work.
January 21st 2016 - Started Estrogen Patch, increase Estrace Estrogen to 2 tabs daily.
January 22nd 2016 - Ultrasound and Blood work.
January 25th 2016 - Ultrasound and Blood work. Began Progesterone in oil injections, and progesterone cream daily.
January 27th 2016 - Begin Medrol (four days) increase Estrace Estrogen to 3 tabs daily.
January 30th 2016 - Transfer Day - Transferred 1 5AA Baby Girl.
Following transfer during the two week wait - Continue Estrace Estrogen 3 tabs , Baby aspirin, Prenatal, Estrogen patch, Progesterone injection and Progesterone cream.
February 3rd 2016 - Hormone check, Progesterone - 39.55, Estradiol - 412.5
February 8th 2016 - Hormone check, Progesterone - 38.17, Estradiol - 344.4
February 12th 2016 - Hormone check, Progesterone - 45.36, Estradiol - 561.4, HCG - 0

 

IVF Round 1 - BFN, Fail.
We plan to meet with out doctor to see if she has any feedback on our cycle. :(


Update
We met with our IVF Dr and she said everything went perfectly and she has no insight as to why our round failed. Looking at my levels, the embryo quality, etc, there's no reason why it shouldn't have been successful.

Our FET Day!

Well! After what feels like years have passed since we started this process, the time was finally here for our IVF Transfer! I was ordered to start two forms of progesterone 5 days before our scheduled FET and had a steroid 4 days leading up to the FET. I was, and currently am still on estrogen three times a day, on an estrogen patch, taking prenatals and baby aspirin, and now two different forms of progesterone (cream and PIO injection). HORMONE OVERLOAD. Overall I've been feeling fine, and really, really looking forward to transfer.

With all of the preparations for this process, I think I expected more out of it. We arrived to Sunset Surgery Center (associated with Red Rock Fertility) a little earlier than my appointment time. I was immediately given a gown, robe, and hair net and asked to wait with Justin in the procedure room. We sat there for maybe 20 minutes or so in what felt like 100 degree heat, which freaked me out because usually surgery rooms are cold.... I assumed it had something to do with the embryo, its temperature, and the process. Nurses were coming in and out preparing everything. Eventually I was laid back and strapped in. They also require a full bladder for the process, which I was prepared for, but I was not prepared to have this full bladder, and then wait 20 additional minutes before the process. Eventually they wheeled in this NICU incubator thing, that contained our embryo. They were able to zoom in 100x to get a clear picture of her. When the process actually started, I was beyond uncomfortably full. The process itself was very similar to a regular OBGYN exam for a woman. They took the embryo out of the incubator and used tools to place her inside of me. It took maybe less than 5 minutes tops. I was awake the entire time and it was completely painless besides the full bladder. They asked me to sit and wait, for an additional 10-15 minutes without moving, sneezing, stressing or laughing. Which, I mean, I'm usually doing ONE of those things... Lol And not to mention, now I had to PEE SO SO BADLY and now the only thing I can think about is how badly I had to pee and all my fears of peeing out this little precious embryo we just spent months on to implant. Obviously, the science behind the fact that the embryo was placed in my uterus and my bladder has nothing to do with that, should have reassured me, but its all I could think about... So, after laying there, in silence, resting we were finally told to go home and rest. I was on bed rest for that entire day, and pretty close to bed rest for the next two days. After the two days, I could go back to normal activity, but no exercise, stress, running, or heavy lifting. Those were my instructions for the next two weeks. I'm still on all the medication as before.

I feel completely normal. I don't have any symptoms. The symptoms I convince myself I do have could also be explained by all of the medication. There's no way of knowing if she is sticking. There's no indication of anything really. Its waiting alone, in the dark, for two very long weeks clinging on to the hope that this little girl will hang on and be ours forever. No pressure.

Wishing us all faith, trust and baby dust! Until next time. <3

Preparing for FET!

Today I had an appointment with our fertility center to begin preparing for our transfer! Our tentative transfer day is set for January 31st/February 1st.

I recovered and healed from the egg retrieval and I finally believe that all of those extra hormones are out of my body! WOW. I thought I was doing so well with not having mood swings or anything like that while we were doing the injections... I also thought that after the retrieval the worst was over after all of the bloating and discomfort. Well, I was wrong! I broke out like an angry raging teenager with acne all over my face. FOR. WEEKS. It was terrible! I was also still fighting the constant urge to cry! Not over super serious stuff that should make me cry, but over stupid things like commercials, lyrics, sunrises, an "I love you" text.... Ugh, DUMB! But finally - I feel like myself again.

Finally its time to begin preparing for our FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). This is when they thaw out our perfect one little 5AA grade baby embryo and transfer it inside of me. Then we wait two weeks to determine if it "sticks" & implanted correctly. Then hopefully we move on with a healthy pregnancy! In the meantime I've been drinking daily smoothies containing juiced kale & pineapple, orange juice, coconut oil, flax seed, strawberries and bananas to boost my body with extra nutrients. Its an old wives' tale that speak of pineapple core, pomegranate juice, avocados and coconut oil will help your IVF success. There's not any concrete "proof" of any of these that I know of, but it cant hurt to try! All of these super foods are good for you anyways, and the smoothies come out delicious! Plus - It makes me feel like I'm doing something to help the process which gives peace to an anxious mind. I've also been back to working out regularly after not staying consistent over the holidays and taking it easy following our egg retrieval.

The following medications were ordered after our appointment today -

• Estrace Pills
• Vivelle Dot Patches
• Medrol Pills
• Baby Asprin (81mg)
• Crinone
• Progesterone in Oil (Injection)

I have a schedule for the next two weeks to start some of these medications, and the others are soon follow. Everything else looks good!


Its crazy to think that we began our IVF journey in July 2015. Its all actually went very smooth for us time wise, which is why its hard to believe the day of our transfer is finally just two short weeks away. All in all, I'm so anxious, terrified, thankful, and optimistic about the next coming weeks. There's no way of knowing if it will or will not work. Its hard for me when people say "Its going to work, I just know it!" because, It may not. Its out of our hands. I know people like to think that's reassuring us, but its not. Its almost like a false hope. This really may not work at all. Just because it "should" or "we deserve it" doesn't actually entitle us to anything from God or the Universe's point of view. That would be fair. And we all know life is absolutely not fair. It may work, and I'd like to think and hope that it will, That we will be so blessed to have this go so perfectly our first round. So all I ask is that you hope and pray (HARD) for us and with us. This really could work!  There's days where I feel like I know for a fact that this is going to work (But I've also thought this.... about all 4 pregnancies...). Our IVF odds are amazing and high from what I've been told an we've had a lot of factors on our side. I have responded so well to everything so far. Everything is right on track where it should be. I'm really looking forward to the opportunity of actually being pregnant next month, and bringing home a healthy baby (just days) after delivery to spend the rest of our lives with. I'm getting swept up in the "awe" of it again. Getting lost in all the dreaming of the possibilities of our future.
How absolutely wonderful it would all be.


Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers! Thank you all. :)