Round Two: Egg Retrieval and Embryo Update - EIGHT!

EIGHT.

I received the call early one morning while I was at my desk at work. I wasn't expecting to hear from them yet, and was completely caught off guard. The call itself lasted an entire 43 seconds. I answered, my coordinator told me she had results - pause - then asked if I wanted to year them (in response to my silence). To be perfectly honest I had been dreading the call. Everything had been going so well I was so scared of getting bad news. I didn't want to have any expectations and was perfectly content with the time in between of not knowing.... For once, the waiting was enjoyable, and happy. The thought of results and the reality of it and how much it meant was almost unbearable. So here I am, on the line, waiting for her to speak again in her monotone-giving-nothing-away voice as she goes on to tell me that we have EIGHT healthy unaffected embryos. Some are a very decent high grade, some a little less that high - but all healthy and disease free! She said congratulations, I said "K, thanks!" and hung up! Very rudely and abruptly - but I was just overwhelmed with emotions and needed to just process and soak it up! Also, mind you, I was still at my desk hoping that no one would approach me while on a call and holding back tears. So I paused and sat and processed, exhaled, and fast walked outside to call my husband immediately. Be were both so over-joyed and in such shock. It was torture to not be with him in person to just hold each other over the news.


Out of 16, we have 8. EIGHT! Eight unaffected healthy embryos. Eight CHANCES. Eight opportunities for the dream of growing our families, experiencing life growing within me again, to watch grow day by day as curiosity and learning happens before their eyes. Eight chances at experiencing the full gift of motherhood. Christmas mornings, Easter egg hunts, birthday parties, Disneyland trips, bedtime stories, jammie cuddles, Saturday morning cartoons, spilled milk, sleepless nights, and chaos. Even more so, the chance for not just one, but possibly siblings! The depth of it all! So many of these dreams I thought were slim if not over. This was our last shot. I know we still have the transfer to go through and that it needs to be successful but these chances! We have them. We are this far. They are frozen perfectly in time. What a milestone to achieve. My happiness cannot be obtained. The amount of swelling love I feel from this just brings me to tears. My gratitude is immeasurable. Thank you all for your continued prayers, love and support. Its been a long, long time waiting, but its happening.


Transfer is tentatively set for July. Making babies!

IVF w/PGD Round Two Timeline

February 23, 2016 - Reviewed previously failed IVF Round. No changes to protocol were made except to stim longer in hopes to retrieve more eggs which should raise our odd for creating unaffected embryos. Decided to wait until April cycle to begin birth control for round two.


April 15th 2016 - Received call to begin Estrace and Aygestin. I was out of town and did not expect to begin taking meds until starting with birth control on the 16th. They changed my protocol due to the timing of my cycle and this sped up our process.


April 16th 2016 - Began taking Estrace and Aygestin (Since I was out of town I couldn't start on the 15th, they adjusted my timeline and I was instructed to begin today)


April 19th 2016 - Ordered Stim Medications/Injections from Integrity RX Pharmacy. ($900.00 w/Discounts)


April 28th 2016 - Begin of new cycle.
April 29th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood work
April 30th 2016 - Begin Stims - 75 Menopur, 125 Gonal F.
May 3rd 2016 - Ultrasound and Bloodwork
May 5th 2016 - Add Cetrotide in addition to Menopur and Gonal F.
May 8th 2016 - Last day for stims!
May 9th 2016 - Trigger Shot (Ovidrel) at 10pm
May 11th 2016 - Egg Retrieval 10am (Retrieved 32 eggs!)
May 12th 2016 - First Emryo Update (22 mature, 20 fertilized)
May 16th 2016 - Day 5 update (16 embryos made it to day 5 blastocyst and have been frozen and samples have been sent for PGD/PGS Results!)




May 22nd 2016 - New cycle began (Earlier than expected)
May 24th 2016 - Began birth control pills.
May 31st 2016 - First Acupuncture Appointment
June 2nd 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 8th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 10th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 12th 2016 - Last Birth Control Pill.
June 14th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 16th 2016 - New Cycle began
June 16th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 17th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood Work.
June 18th 2016 - Begin Estrace, once a day.
June 22nd 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC, Increase Estrace, twice a day, Acupuncture appointment.
June 25th 2016 - Increase Estrace, three times a day, Begin Estrogen Patch, Begin baby aspirin once a day.
June 27th 2016 - Ultrasound and blood work at RRFC
June 28th 2016 - Acupuncture appointment
June 30th 2016 - Continue Estrace, Patch, Asprin, Prenatal, Add Crinone and PIO (Progesterone in Oil injection)
July 2nd 2016 - Added Medrol to the medication list.
July 5th 2016 - Transfer day! Transferred 1 healthy baby boy 5BB blast.
July 18th 2016 - Beta #1: 4.5
July 20th 2016 - Beta #2: 7.5
July 22nd 2016 - Beta #3: 3.


Result of IVF Round Two: Failed. Chemical Pregnancy.

IVF - Round Two Begins

Our first round of IVF failed in January. Typically when this happens the next step would be to transfer another embryo. Since we only had the one to transfer from our last round, that wasn't an option for us. We would have to start all over. I was so completely physically and mentally exhausted and was already pushing myself too far with everything in general. In February I made a choice to delay beginning a new round for a month or so to focus on myself. I made a plan and am proud to say that I was able to see it all through. Ironically, I took more on, which I debated if it was the right choice or not since it seemed contradictory. I'm so glad that I did, I'm even more proud that I saw it through.


Getting a new boxer puppy was one of the first decisions we made. There have been more than a few times that I seconded guessed if this was a good choice or not. I mean, another puppy?! While our house is currently inhabited by two perfect pups who are quiet and listen and need zero supervision? In a weird way, I wanted the chaos. Our house being so still and quiet is exactly what gets to me sometimes because we should have a crazy 2 year old running around and possibly another sibling. The silence hurts sometimes, but to change it with a puppy who cant be trusted and immediately tries to chew on the stone of your fireplace, swallow rocks, and is peeing in the house....... Uh... What did we do!? We've had her for 9 weeks now and honestly could not be more proud of how smart and obedient she already is. She was potty trained fully within two weeks. She can already be left out of a kennel, and knows basic commands (Sit, Stay, Lay Down, and Shake).  I'm really looking forward to taking her out for walks, hiking, camping, etc. I feel like we've all been on house arrest because she's still waiting on a final round of shots before she can leave the house. I love the energy she brought to our home. I love the puppy she brings out of Cassius (our older boxer). I love how different she is from our other two pups. I'm so happy about our new little lady Laila. :) She was absolutely the breath of fresh air we needed.
                                  



Apparently because I like torture, I signed up for the RAW Fitness Challenge 6 week fitness program to lose some of the extra weight from our last round. It was 6 solid weeks of a very strict meal plan (No drinking, no dairy [Ugh, no ICE CREAM? Or milk for my daily coffee!?] limited carbs, and no cheat meals. I was being very very "hangry" during this time, Justin was such a trooper dealing with me. It was hard to spend so much time cooking, prepping, dishes, eating on a strict schedule every three hours and planning our days around it. Oh how I missed our weekends of date night dinners. It also required at least 4 days of their boot camp workouts. I went five days, and started adding in 40 minutes of cardio following the boot camp and even a few Saturdays! Who am I, right!? And again, Why do I choose to take more on!? BUT - I DID IT. I lost the 20 lbs and was fully reimbursed cost wise for program because I met the goal. I cannot tell you how emotional I was. To work so hard for something that ACTUALLY paid off... I needed that so much. I felt so empowered, strong and proud.


My birthday month is April. The fitness challenge finished the week before my birthday. We made plans to get away. We used to always have so many camping trips, California vacations, Disneyland experiences, and more. With the financial burden of IVF, that was all pretty much non existent. We made the decision to plan a cheap, simple quick trip to California to visit the newly opened Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios Hollywood and to visit a few beaches in the area. It was SO nice to have a blocked amount of time to not have any responsibilities, stress, protocols, schedules or worries. The trip was amazing. We got to stroll around the village shops of Hogsmeade like children, roam the Hogwarts™ castle, drink butterbeer, eat gourmet food, and goof around. We watched The Jungle Book opening night at City Walk while binging on popcorn and lemon heads from Honeydukes. We played bocce ball on the sands of Huntington Beach. We searched for marine life in the tide pools of Little Corona. We visited Downtown Disney to dine at ESPN zone and simply inhale the magical air (a must).
                              
                               




Everything was ignorantly perfect. All of our baby making stress was on hold. Our plan was to begin the second round when we returned home. I was on a plan to begin birth control so they could monitor my cycle to start stim shots with the following cycle. Imagine my surprise when I get a call (while on vacation) that I was to start two medications that same day. Well, that escalated quickly, and so much for being stress free!


All this time I've been putting off preparing mentally to go into another whole round. All the waiting, and hormones, and shots, and restrictions, and wondering and waiting for test results, and just all of it.... Now we are on our last day of paradise and its like nope, IVF time! I'm not sure why my protocol was changed, but it sure did speed things up! But, as of my birthday, we officially started round two. I'm currently on  Estrace and Aygestin twice a day for a little over a week, and will start injections late next week or so. I am so beyond thankful that I have a different insurance this round that will help with over 60% of costs. I'm so glad to be at such a better, healthier place physically and weight wise. I'm so happy to have had a break to feel like myself again and enjoy time with my husband feeling carefree. I'm sure this wont be easy, but I hope this round is at the least, successful. I feel less anxious and stressed (most of the time) about it. I just hope the calmness lasts. So, here goes, Round Two (and most likely our last) of IVF with PGD. Wish us all the luck!

The BFN.

Ill be honest.


This post is uncensored, raw, and real. Its not one to give "warm & fuzzies". Its not one I ever wanted to write. I do so, because I'm not the only one that's going through this. I'm not the only one that had $16,000.00 for IVF, $5,000.00 for PGD, and over $3,000.00 in specialty medications and injections thrown down the drain for absolutely nothing in return. Im writing this in case someone else is suffering while trying to grow their family and maybe needs to hear that its okay to be angry , tired and distraught. I know ill pull myself together again, but its not without all these feelings that come along with it. I cannot believe IVF failed for us. I thought we would at the very least have remaining frozen embryos to fall back on. We have nothing.  Well, I guess that's not entirely true. I have lovely lumps and bruises left over from progesterone shots. I still actually have some marks on my legs from stim shots before the egg retrieval. I look about four months pregnant (which is just exceptionally cruel) from all of the other hormones causing extreme bloating, stress eating, and from not being able to work out for the last few weeks. Oh, and I even have the mood swings of a raging PMSer and the ability to cry repeatedly at the drop of a hat. I also got to lead all of my friends and family down this amazing inspiring story just to get their hopes up to later let them crash and burn as well. So, I guess if you're a "glass half full" kind of person, you could say I got something out of it after all. I'm also sure I'm not the only one that's been through all of that either. Sadly, I know too well, there are many of us.


We were given remarkable odds for IVF. Because I've already naturally became pregnant, carried and given birth to Liam, my body was expected to be more accepting of the process. I'm healthy, active, and young. All the odds were in our favor. After the FET (frozen embryo transfer) I stayed on bed rest for three days, doctors orders. I tried to hit most of the "old wives tales"  that surrounded IVF success stories. I had been drinking 4+ liters of water daily, and morning smoothies (room temperature) for a few weeks leading up to the big day, and following. I had pineapple core, pomegranate juice, berries, nuts, avocado, healthy oils (coconut, extra virgin, etc), leafy greens, and more daily in addition to our regular balanced meals. I stayed away from anything frozen or cold. I immediately started avoiding the normal things you should while pregnant. After the three days, I went to work, came home and relaxed as instructed. I went on a few light walks with the pups, and enjoyed lots of funny and feel good movies. I was feeling great. I was positive. I had maybe two times where I could tell my blood pressure raised and I'm sure it was from being anxious. I did the best I could to take deep breathes and calm myself down. Everyone just "says" to not get stressed out. Lets not even get started on how unrealistic that even is. Its only everything on the line here while its all out of my control. When aching for your first born, remembering the miscarriages along with the other baby boy we should have had, and the constant yearning for a baby to have and hold to take home safely while realizing that it could all be happening right now inside your own body is the first thing and only thing on your mind every single moment of every single day, yeah, I guess it should be just so easy to not think about or stress about. Its only our life. But yeah, shame on me for "stressing" which I feel despite everything I did a great job avoiding.


On day eight (8dp5dt) I took a home pregnancy test. It was negative. I didn't let that scare me. I knew it was early, and when I was pregnant before I never was ever able to get a positive pregnancy test early. I just kept doing the things that distracted me, and made my days happy. I tested again (12dp5dt) the day before I was supposed to go to Red Rock Fertility to test. It was negative again. That's when I accepted it. I knew that there could be some miracle change and I was so open to that, but I knew, I wasn't pregnant. I knew it had failed. The next day came and sure enough, they confirmed it. It hurt just as bad as the day before.


There was so much lost emotionally. Not to mention the time it all took and the costs. Normally if you have a failed round you have other embryos to try and transfer. Its a matter of waiting a month or so and trying again, and again. If you don't have embryos left, well, you start all over from the beginning. If we could even try it again, it would be months to go through the checks again, birth control. stims, egg retrieval, testing, and IF we even get any healthy embryos - finally transfer....... All you do while you wait is try and stay hopeful. You envision your life and what it could be like if and when this process works. You lose yourself in that dream and all of its wonderfulness. Then that too is taken and you feel like a fool for thinking it in the first place.


Liam would have been two in upcoming March. TWO. Running, talking, growing. I have SO SO many closest friends and family that are starting and continuing their families. I should be pregnant with a toddler running around to catch right along side with them. It seems like the perfect foundation for the life I wanted FOR my children is surrounding me perfectly . Only its cruel because I have nothing to contribute but sorrow and failed attempts. I'm so happy for them, but so destroyed to not be with them. I just want that next chapter of life. I feel sad for my family. Knowing that it breaks them to know that this didn't work. The distant ones that I know feel for us, but avoid talking to us because they don't even know what to say or what they believe in anymore. I hate feeling responsible for so many other peoples pain. I feeling like because what's happened to us, has questioned their own faith. You know that girl that just lights up the room when she walks in? Well, when I enter a room, I feel like the dark cloud that reminds everyone of sadness, pain, and pity, making them feel uneasy. Now instead of focusing on holding myself together, I feel the pressure to try and make everyone else feel comfortable and show them how "okay" I am to put them at ease.  I want nothing more than to finally have news that will make them happy. I'd love to have park play dates and BBQs with my friends while all of our kids run around and play together. Now I'm not sure if this dark cloud will ever even leave us. I feel that I have failed. I feel ashamed and disgraced. I'm so unbelievably sad for everything. Its truly unbelievable. There are no words, no comfort, nothing that can fix what seems broken.


I don't want this all to be taken as "oh, woe is me". This is just what life is for us right now. Of course I'm angry and distraught, but that's okay. I'm okay. We really will be okay. I'm not sure what our next steps are. I know we will meet with Red Rock Fertility center to see if they have any feedback, but everything went so perfectly, I'm not sure if they will even have any. It is what it is. This just wasn't the miracle we were hoping it would be. I have no idea what to do now going forward. To be honest, I'm exhausted. I know Ill be taking some time to focus on myself again. I feel so lost in everything that its important for me to feel like me again. For now, Ill just surround myself with all the good in life. My husband. Our home. Our pups. Our family. Our friends. Hiking in the beautiful upcoming Spring scenery. Wine & LUSH Bath bombs. The little things. I don't know why we are here, or why these hardships have fallen on us. I know that its hardened me very much. Its changed me in many, many ways. I also know that's it's made my heart bigger, my marriage unconditional, my patience stronger and my compassion for others grow. These are things that some people lack their entire lives either by ignorance or circumstance. I never want to be that old bitter, mean, lonely woman. I'm so thankful for the angels and wonderful people in my life. Thank you for always being here, supporting, praying, and loving us. And for the other hurting mommas out there... Hopefully the miracle you're waiting for comes to you, and soon. Its so so easy to lose yourself in this process. Live while you wait for the storm to pass.


I promise. We will be okay.

IVF Timeline from Beginning to End (Round 1)

I know when I started this process, I wanted to know what type of timeline to expect. It helped me to have a clear idea of how long it would all take. Below is the timeline for our first round of IVF. Our round went perfectly. Nothing was set back or canceled. I responded perfectly to all meds and procedures. Below is our timeframe of our experience with IVF doing a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) from the beginning consult, through stims, egg retrieval, transfer and end result.


July 2015 - Scheduled a consultation with Red Rock Fertility. Our Treatment package was $16,000.00 for one round. PGD was $4,500.00. Stim Meds - $2,529.30. Transfer Meds $559.95. Round one total expenses, $23,589.25 plus insurance deductibles, etc.


September 8th 2015 - Our first appointment with Red Rock Fertility. They reviewed our case, discussed pricing and the overall process.
September 17th 2015 - Paid Genesis Genetics, Probe construction and research began.
September 29th 2015 - Diagnostic Testing, Ultrasound & Blood work, Female Exam, Day 3 cycle specific, Semen Analysis, Hormone check.
October 1st 2015 - Sonohysterography
October 4th 2015 - Preop labs.
October 6th 2015 - Surgery (Hysteroscopy) to examine uterine cavity
October  21st 2015 - Follow up Consult and Treatment plan. Began Birth Control Pills.
November 9th 2015 - Ordered Stim Medications/Injections from Integrity RX Pharmacy.
November 25th 2015 - Last birth control pill
December 1st 2015 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood work, Started Stims (Menopur & Gonal F).
December 4th 2015 - Ultrasound and Blood work, Increased Gonal F.
December 7th 2015 -  Ultrasound and Blood work

December 9th 2015 -  Ultrasound and Blood work, Trigger Shot.

December 11th 2015 - Egg Retrieval - Retrieved 16 eggs, 11 mature, 9 fertilized via ICSI. 7 made it to blast (day 5) and were sent for PGD testing.
December 24th 2015 - Back on birth control pill.
December 30th 2015 - Received the following results for our PGD testing.

1. 1 - Affected GACI Carrier
2. 2 - Affected GACI Carrier
3. 3 - Other Chromosome Abnormalities
4. 4 - Affected GACI Carrier
5. 5 - Unaffected GACI Carrier (5AA Baby girl)
6. 6 - Unknown (Sent to retest and embryo didn't survive thaw)
7. 7 - Affected GACI Carrier

January 8th 2016 - Last birth control pill
January 13th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood work.
January 14th 2016 - Began 1 tab Estrace Estrogen and baby aspirin daily.
January 18th 2016 - Ultrasound and Blood work.
January 21st 2016 - Started Estrogen Patch, increase Estrace Estrogen to 2 tabs daily.
January 22nd 2016 - Ultrasound and Blood work.
January 25th 2016 - Ultrasound and Blood work. Began Progesterone in oil injections, and progesterone cream daily.
January 27th 2016 - Begin Medrol (four days) increase Estrace Estrogen to 3 tabs daily.
January 30th 2016 - Transfer Day - Transferred 1 5AA Baby Girl.
Following transfer during the two week wait - Continue Estrace Estrogen 3 tabs , Baby aspirin, Prenatal, Estrogen patch, Progesterone injection and Progesterone cream.
February 3rd 2016 - Hormone check, Progesterone - 39.55, Estradiol - 412.5
February 8th 2016 - Hormone check, Progesterone - 38.17, Estradiol - 344.4
February 12th 2016 - Hormone check, Progesterone - 45.36, Estradiol - 561.4, HCG - 0

 

IVF Round 1 - BFN, Fail.
We plan to meet with out doctor to see if she has any feedback on our cycle. :(


Update
We met with our IVF Dr and she said everything went perfectly and she has no insight as to why our round failed. Looking at my levels, the embryo quality, etc, there's no reason why it shouldn't have been successful.

Embryo Update :: PGD/PGS Results

We started out this journey harvesting 16 eggs. 11 were mature, 9 were fertilized and 7 made it to day five of growing. In the end, we had 7 embryos to test for our disorder.


Typically some come back abnormal for random reasons, and some will come back with the disorder that they are specifically being tested for, in our case, IIAC/GACI. I was so unbelievably hopeful that with going into this with 7 to test, we would get 3 or 4 for sure to keep on ice so we had the opportunity to try at least 1-3 rounds of IVF if needed. I hoped that we would be lucky enough for it to work the first time, with implanting one or two, and then have the remaining embryo(s) frozen for a sibling later. If you already have the embryos frozen, a future transfer isn't nearly as expensive as a full cycle, because you wouldn't need to go through the diagnostic testing, injections or retrieve eggs again. You would just skip to the transferring of the eggs part, and see if it works. I was so hopeful for all of this. After all, each embryo only had a 25% chance of being an affected carrier.

I finally got the call with the test results from our embryos. Only 1 of the 7 are healthy and eligible to transfer. From what I was specifically told, all of the other 6 embryos had GACI/IIAC. None of them were abnormal in any other way. Ill get a more detailed explanation of everything on soon when the lab specialist/Dr calls with the full breakdown. I'm really hoping, somehow, there was some mistake somewhere.


I am so so unbelievably grateful for this one. This one perfect one! But I feel that so much was lost as well. The pressure and fears associated with this process anyways is so much. The cost (Which we have gotten overwhelming support with), the injections, the drawn out timeline, the risks, the odds, etc. I tried everything to ease myself of the stress. The help with the cost alone took off so so much pressure, and I am so grateful for that. Then knowing that because of having such a high number of eggs retrieved to start with, I was in a much better position to have more healthy embryos. This gave me a sense of a safety blanket. Like, if this didn't work out the first time, it was okay, and I had more, I would just have to be strong enough to keep trying. I could do that. It also reassured me that the possibility of twins was realistic (though risky), or at least still having two (living) children total to grow our family. Now Im left feeling that even though our odds are still good with this remaining egg, our fate is still not in any way guaranteed. Instead of feeling like this was another first chance, I feel as if it could be our only and last. If this one egg doesn't work, we have nothing to fall back on. All of the money put in would be lost and for nothing in return. Any hopes to try again would mean starting from the very beginning and cost an additional 20k (We are saving 6k because our probe for the testing is already built.... What a deal huh....). And not to make it sound like its all about the money, but when you don't have it ..... It certainly does limit things. I know anything is possible still, but wow.


I was so proud of having so much faith and optimism. I felt much less stress and was so ready to go into this with a good positive, confident attitude. I knew that through all of our losses, it was possible to still have what we've always wanted. Now it feels like everything is riding on this one shot, and its all completely out of my hands. To say the least, I am so completely fearful.


2016 is a new year. New insurance benefits were offered. In addition to our genetic situation (Which we have yet to have anyone cover) I also had the diagnosis of PCOS. If that is true, that should mark me under the "infertile" category on paper and may help with funding a part of any future needed rounds, if that's the way we go. Im not by any means thinking this round wont work. But reassuring myself that maybe it doesn't all depend on this one little tiny egg gives me a better peace of mind. Our little remaining egg is in excellent healthy condition I was told. He or She has every chance at making it. We have every chance at a successful full term pregnancy resulting in a birth of a healthy baby. I still feel like it will work. I still feel hopeful. Ive still read and heard of much MUCH worse scenarios and suffering by other parents going this route. I know we still have so much on our side, and that this is all very very possible for us. The fact that we were given this opportunity to try at all is a miracle that I am very, very grateful for. After all, it only takes "one".


Our embryo transfer is set for the end of January. Then we will wait and see!