Bump Update: Week 36

Week: 36
Baby Size: Large Cantaloupe
Pregnancy Side Effects: LOTS. None to complain about, but plenty to keep me tired and uncomfortable.
Bump Status: Large triangle, square sometimes, usually round.... LOL Quinn moves so much and distorts my stomach so much its crazy to watch.

Currently...
Eating: Cereal, Salads, Cottage Cheese, Chocolate....
Craving: Taco Bell Supreme Tacos... Like, ALL of them...
Drinking: Water, Gatorade
Wearing: Maternity pants and tanks... Whatever's comfortable, Pajamas as early in the day as possible.
Feeling: Good overall, just tired, sore, uncomfortable.
Weather: Weather has been windy, but still on the cooler side. Im loving it!
Wanting: A year long vacation.
Thinking: About going into labor.... When... How.... Etc....
Enjoying: S L E E P. & any time I get with Justin.
Missing: Im in that anxious large stage where youre constantly thinking about getting your "body" back... Lol I cant wait to run and work out again, but that day will come soon enough and by then I wont want to anymore... Lol
Doing: Working, Trying to see a few last movies in theaters before those days are behind us for awhile, and trying to keep up with our family and friends get togethers. The last two months have been so busy.. We did assemble all the baby stuff and our house is officially ready for Quinn!
Looking Forward To: Maternity Leave.....






36 weeks!? How did we get here!? The 36th week is special to me because with Liam, we went into labor at the end of 36 weeks/day one of the 37th week. Ive been praying the Quinn comes when shes fully developed enough to thrive healthily on her own, But Im also (not so secretly) hoping that's in about a week. This week we set up the pack & play, rock & play, and the co-sleeper. All her clothes, sheets, etc are washed. Our hospital bag is backed and ready to go. We are at the stage where we feel fully ready and my hormones are in overdrive. The yearning I feel about being so close to holding our baby girl is just too much. The anticipation to actually mother another living child is consuming. Especially knowing we are so close.


With Liam, I assumed we would go full term, the full 40 weeks or so, especially because the whole pregnancy was textbook normal and going so well. So, when we went into labor after 36 weeks it was completely unexpected. I didn't have time to get really nervous yet, or over analyze everything. I was still just floating on day by day being pregnant. This time around, I know how early it happened last time, so all I can do is compare and wonder every second from here on out if "today is the day". I also never had Braxton hicks contractions, swelling, or aches/pains with Liam like I do with Quinn. I just already feel so anxious about what will happen and how, watching my health very carefully for any warning signs of pre-eclampsia. Im still feeling great overall, there's just more on my mind as the days go by. I feel like im in a constant battle of over analyzing everything that could happen, and reassuring myself that things are out of my hands and to just stay happy in the moment.


Ive also noticed such a different connection with Quinn while pregnant than I did with Liam. I know that this could be because of us losing Liam, and because of everything we went through with trying to get pregnant again. I just feel like I know Quinn so well already, like a glimpse of her personality. Being so familiar with her moves and knowing when shes awake or asleep, counting how many times a day she gets the hiccups (which she has right now), feeling her react to what I eat and drink and recognizing her patterns. I don't remember having all of that with Liam. He was active but less active. But again, I could have just not be as observant. It has created such a strong bond with Quinn though, and is making me that much more anxious to meet her. Then on my other crazy hormonal side, Im terrified for her to be here, and really really content with knowing she is just safe and sound inside me.


So many emotions and so much to be thankful for. Things have still been so happy. Busy, but happy! Every morning I wake up with this belly I couldn't feel more blessed. Please continue to keep us in your prayers these upcoming weeks! We love you all! Thank you!

Bump Update: Week 34

Week: 34
Baby Size: Pineapple
Pregnancy Side Effects: Swelling in the hands, Light cramping, Typical aches and pains, restless leg syndrome sometimes, sleepy pretty much ALL the time.
Bump Status: Large, almost always moving and shifting around, hard (Ahhh Wonderful to me!)

Currently...
Eating: Whatever sounds good, when it sounds good. Lots of cereal...
Craving: Schlotzsky's!
Drinking: Water & Juice
Wearing: Maternity Pants, shorts, tanks, and kimonos are my favorites!
Feeling: Still relatively good! But the pregnancy symptoms are definitely making me a bit more uncomfortable..
Weather: It was REALLY warming up, we even broke 100 degrees, but luckly this week we are back in the 70s!
Wanting: To be on leave, at home, with a beautiful baby girl in my arms...
Thinking: About how soon all of this can turn in to reality.
Enjoying: Being pregnant and feeling so close to Quinn with all of her movements.
Missing: Sleeping on my stomach most...
Doing: As much walking as I can fit in, no more gym time, but lots of resting.
Looking Forward To: Our upcoming next few weeks! Things are going to be so exciting!


So, I don't think I've posted since our baby shower! We had our shower right around 32 weeks. Let me just begin with - WOW. Our house was FILLED with so many loved ones and kindness and PINK! I don't even know where to begin with thanking everyone for everything. This wonderful little miracle rainbow baby is so special to everyone already. She was definitely not "sprinkled" with love, she was FLOODED with it! She was given more clothes, blankets, diapers, necessities, toys, and keepsakes than I could have imagined. It took two hours to just get through the gifts. I swear I'm not bragging, I'm just so unbelievably thankful for all of our family and friends. We live in the same city as each of our families (divorced on both sides) live. So any family event like this, we are blessed to have SO many family members so close to us to get to share all of these moments with. Its so wonderful, and we are so grateful for it! The weather was beautiful that day, everything went smoothly, and I felt fantastic all day. It was a wonderful perfect gorgeous day. If you would have asked me to even envision a day like this a year, or even two years ago, I would have broken down in tears just trying to fathom it. Now, today, this dream is coming true.

The day following the shower was spent entirely with baby laundry (three FULL loads), organizing, cleaning, and sorting through all Quinn's things. It was all I wanted to do for months! I didn't exactly mean to knock it all out in one day, but let me just tell you, that day was way too much fun for me! I got all of everything done that I wanted! Her room is completely complete!


Now during this 34th week, pregnancy is starting to get just a little heavier... I have an OB appointment this week, and every week from here on out. I'm starting to feel more weighed down, having more random aches and pains (all normal), restless leg syndrome while I'm trying to sleep or rest, nausea, my appetite is still very up and down, started swelling a bit, still always sleepy, and uncomfortable. None of these are that bad, but I'm definitely feeling the weight of them all, more. I don't remember feeling more like this with Liam until 36 weeks... So I guess it just comes with the territory! I'm just happy to still be feeling this well.


Its so surreal to think how soon Quinn can be here. I'm so excited for her, to see her and smell her and hold her and love her! This time a year ago we were just getting ready for another egg retrieval for our second full round of IVF. We had no idea from then to now that we would have another failed transfer, followed by a third transfer that would result in this wonderful miraculous pregnancy. I'm so happy to be where we are now.


Thank you all for sharing all of this happy with us! Thank you for all your love and support as always!

Bump Update: 32 Weeks

Week: 32
Baby Size: Head of Lettuce
Pregnancy Side Effects: Sleepy all the time,
Bump Status: Bigger and Bigger!

Currently...

Eating: Sunflower seeds, & Salads (with wayyy more ranch than I'd like to admit)...
Craving: Nachos, Café Rio
Drinking: Water and Decaf Iced Black Tea!
Wearing: Maternity pants, Regular tops, etc.
Feeling: Really great still! I had some more ligament pain for a couple days, but besides that, Im just still usually tired, but physically feel great.
Weather: Besides the nasty wind that has still be circling around, its been beautiful weather around the 70s and 80s. Im hoping it lasts for our baby shower this weekend!
Wanting: To do baby laundry, nest, organize, and clean!
Thinking: About our baby shower, and hoping my pregnancy brain hasn't affected much of its plans...
Enjoying: The weather, this big belly, and this sweet baby girl with all of her movements and interactions.
Missing: I really cant think of too much to miss... The things I'd think to miss like wine, caffeine, some of the foods Ive given up for pregnancy I really don't miss because I remember how much I resented having them all the time I was trying so hard to get pregnant.
Doing: Still trying to make enough time for the gym, going on walks, enjoying time with our family and friends.
Looking Forward To: Our baby "sprinkle" this weekend!

Oh how the time has flown! The last two weeks have been so exciting. I've been feeling great, so great, that we opted to take a quick little "baby moon" to California to spend some time at the beach and so some shopping and dreaming at Downtown Disney. We had beautiful weather, great company, and some very memorable moments. We spent time at Newport Beach, had lunch at Ruby's on the pier, built sandcastles and basked in the sun. We also spent a lot of time in the World of Disney store at Downtown Disney looking at baby toys and clothes and picked up a few things for Quinn and her nursery. A wonderful, wonderful getaway.

When we arrived back home, we had an OB appointment during which we got to measure Quinn's growth! Towards the end of the 30th week she was measuring at a healthy 3lb 8oz. We tried to get 3d/4d photos of her but like usual, she loves to hide. This time she had her head turned into my hip and was holding her feet in front of her face with her hands! She had been getting the hiccups every day for over the past week. Liam had only gotten the hiccups once during his pregnancy so I was growing concerned with the frequency she was getting them. Sometimes it would be more than once a day. Against my better judgment I googled and found horror stories of course. I asked our OB during our appointment and he reassured me that all was well, this was actually a great sign and its very common. This made me feel so much better, but I still just feel the natural need to soothe and comfort her when she gets them. I am however so glad that she is progressing so well. I just know that Ill have more scares like this, and will probably overreact, and hope that I will always have the resources and family around me to bring me back to center.

We even found time to make some time to take maternity photos! We didn't take photos like this with Liam, mostly because the typical "maternity shoot" style of photos Im not a big fan of, But after having Liam, I did regret not taking any. I wanted to make sure I did for this pregnancy. My sister was gracious enough to capture some of the most amazing moments for us. She was able to incorporate everything we wanted - everything centered around Quinn of course,  Liam, our pups, this rainbow pregnancy and more.

My birthday was on Easter this year. This was also such a nice time for us. Justin woke me up to a Easter egg hunt throughout the house with the eggs that we dyed the night before. Then he made me breakfast, and we enjoyed the weather and some errands. We had Coldstone Ice Cream for lunch (since my appetite is usually gone by the normal time to eat dessert) and we spent the evening with family for Easter. Quinn decided to be super interactive with everyone that day too. She let everyone feel her moving around, and even played with a flashlight in front of them all. I feel so close to her personality already. This is just such a beautiful time during pregnancy, and Im just so grateful of every moment of it.

April has brought so many good times and blessings to us! Now we await the weekend to celebrate our little girl!! Thank you all for your continued love and support! We love you all!

Bump Update: 30 Weeks

Week: 30
Baby Size: Butternut Squash
Pregnancy Side Effects: Exhaustion
Bump Status: Big and round! My belly button is sticking out now too!

Currently...
Eating: Whatever I can. Similar to my pregnancy with Liam, I don't get to experience the full on binge pregnancy eating because I get full SO fast. But I do have quite an appetite!
Craving: Otter Pops, Good & Plentys, Ranch Dressing, & Café Rio.
Drinking: Water, Juicy Juice
Wearing: Tank Tops, Maternity Bottoms, and whatever shorts I find that still fit.
Feeling:  Really, really happy lately.
Weather: Warmer with a recent wind storm.
Wanting: Longer Weekends.
Thinking: About the exciting two months that are coming!
Enjoying: The warmer weather outside and all the festivities this month!
Missing: Sleeping on my stomach, and being able to twist around to pop my back.
Doing: Gardening, Some light workouts, Quilting, and Baby Shower planning!
Looking Forward To: Everything that April and May has in store for us!




Recently Quinn's movements have been so strong and purposeful. They don't feel like sporadic jerks and kicks as much anymore, but instead like she's on a mission to move to a certain spot or get comfortable. The other day she continued to stick herself out so I would rub my stomach where she was sticking out and every time I would stop, she would stick herself out more as if in response to my stopping. It was adorable. Its hard for me to get Justin to feel her big moves and rolls lately because she usually stops when he starts to feel (which is funny because I can have my hand on my stomach the whole time and she just keeps going... ). The other night we were watching TV surrounded by our family and she was moving around so much, Justin got to feel so much of it! Then just after she had the hiccups and he got to feel that too! I cant even describe these moments. We had them with Liam too, but they were different. I remember his movements being different. This time its just so different. I'm not as anxious for her birth, instead I'm just really enjoying and soaking up every day of this pregnancy. After the journey it took to get this far, knowing that no other pregnancy is ever guaranteed, its just so precious to me. I remember sitting on the couch with Justin's hand on my stomach just smiling like an idiot for so long... Just excited for him to feel what I walk around feeling all throughout the day. And to see the joy on his face too.. Its indescribable. I could live that every day.
We have been really, really happy recently. We had a heart to heart conversation about it, just the difference in how easily we laugh now, and how often. In general just a lighter happier feeling is in our home and just around us in general. It made me sad at first to acknowledge how dark things were for so long even through our best and positive efforts. I'm just so really really happy to be in such a happier place.

Bump Bliss: 10 Weeks

Week: 10
Baby Size: Hershey Kiss
Pregnancy Side Effects: Nausea, Food Aversions, Exhaustion, Embarrassing Emotional Crying Bursts...
Bump Status: Bloat... But The Bottom Of My Stomach Is Feeling Harder!

Currently...
Eating: English Muffins, Fruits, Veggies, Pizza
Craving: Mashed Potatoes w/Gravy, Sushi, Pizza
Drinking: Iced Water, Decaf Green Tea, Juice
Wearing: Jeans, Hoodies, Leggings, Jammies
Feeling: SO Happy, Thankful, Grateful, Tired, Hungry
Weather: Cold Crisp Mornings With Beautiful Sunrises, Really Enjoying The Weather Cooling Down. :)
Wanting: A Vacation
Thinking: About Names, Nursery Ideas, Holidays
Enjoying: Being Pregnant Period
Missing: Energy and Motivation
Doing: Work, Etsy Designs, Gym, Lots Of Relaxing With My Pups and Husband
Looking Forward To: Thanksgiving, Our First OB Appointment, Hitting The 12 Week Mark


As of Monday November 14th (9 weeks along) we graduated Red Rock Fertility Center and will now begin seeing a regular OB! I was also finally instructed to stop all my medications ( I was still on estrogen 3x a day, estrogen patches, & progesterone shots) except for my prenatal and baby aspirin. Baby looks healthy and is growing perfectly! This was a milestone I so badly wanted to reach! It was such a powerful happy day. This pregnancy has been a roller coaster, but is calming down, and going GREAT.


My previous pregnancies, I was nauseas like clockwork at 6 weeks, and lasted for only 1 week, happened during the morning only, and was manageable with ginger gum. This pregnancy, I have been nauseas since week six, it lasts almost all day, my Dr gave me a prescription to manage it, and I still have it in waves at 10 weeks. My previous pregnancies, there wasn't a lot of food that really turned me off, I just preferred fruits and vegetables. I drank almost 3 liters of water a day, and one Juicy Juice box a day. This pregnancy, this Hershey Kiss Baby, HATES meat and almost all food. I have never experienced such food aversions. I typically LOVE room temperature water over iced water. This baby will only accept iced water which makes it harder to drink as much as I should. Food-wise, nothing hardly ever sounds good. The second something does sound good, I try to indulge, but it usually ends in me just never wanting that particular food again. I'm usually ALWAYS starving... Its added a lot of challenges to our normal meal prepping and planning. But! As of this week, I've learned that the baby likes hard boiled egg whites, fruits and vegetables so that is what we will have. Along with a pack of Gushers every now and then because well, lets face it, this baby does take after its mother a bit already too....... ;) Overall, This pregnancy has been great to me. As the weeks go by I'm finding more and more peace and confidence that's slowing taking the place of fear and anxiety. I know Ill never feel carefree and easy going during any pregnancy again, but I'm really grateful to be at a place where I'm not panicking and over analyzing every twinge and symptom anymore. I've been so hesitant to share and be open with the pregnancy part of this journey so far. Its still surreal and I still have tears when I really let myself believe that its happening and that in June of next year we could actually have a newborn home with us, healthy and happy. I could bask in those dreams all day. But for some reason its harder for me to accept that it could actually be finally happening in our real lives. I've been trying to just really let my guard down and accept that I can be happy and relieved, but the realist in me knows how quickly everything could change. I know I shouldn't think like that, and Its not what I focus on, the fear is just always there. It just constantly forces me to remind myself of everything I have to be happy and thankful for today, everyday and for where I am now. I'm thankful for each and every day I'm pregnant with this amazing little miracle baby. I love watching his/her progress through sonogram. Love seeing how much he/she grows each visit. I'm really looking forward to going back to my previous OB and seeing our little one again on Monday. <3


Pregnancy after miscarriage is different. Pregnancy after losing a child is different. Pregnancy via IVF is different. But here we are. Living and embracing it. I'm so thankful that IVF worked for us. I'm so thankful to be pregnant. I'm really looking forward to the season upon us and the upcoming holidays. Its refreshing to be so purely happy.


A million times, thank you all. We love you all. I look forward to sharing many happy bump updates with you all!

Our (BFP) Big Fat Positive!

Third time's the charm they say.... Lucky number seven they say.... This was our 3rd round of IVF and 7th conception overall. Ive noticed that I have been writing a lot less this round. I would honestly account it to sheer fear and exhaustion. Im so happy and thankful to say that this round was successful! We got our Big Fat Positive! Now that the tension is a bit relieved, Id love to share the past few weeks.


Our transfer was on Tuesday September 27th. I remember numbly walking through it all but at the same time having a lighter and positive feeling about it. Typically, I'd be the first to write about that... However, it scared me too much, and was too hard to do. I felt hopeful the first time. The second time, I felt even more positive and optimistic. It was harder and harder to believe in these feelings let alone share them. So I didn't. We went through the transfer, and it went great! We transferred two little embryos - one boy and one girl. Then we went home to relax and hide the fact that we were both anxious and terrified and desperate to know how this would play out.


During the two week wait I avoided cold drinks and foods (ice cream, shakes, smoothies, iced drinks), I wore socks to keep my feet warm constantly, I drank a V8 every morning to ensure I consumed my daily amount of vegetables, I rested, and I avoided stress as much as I could. After about a week I would begin to feel a few symptoms, tiredness, soreness, etc. Some minutes I would feel so absolutely perfectly normal I was sure I wasn't pregnant. Other times I swore I was. Every symptom I did have, I had before and didn't have a good outcome. Each symptom was also a side effect from the medications I was on. I was scared to admit them, or believe in them. So, I numbly went through the next days just trying to get to the point where I could sleep so I could be another day closer to beta day (pregnancy test day). I thought about taking a home pregnancy test... I did in the past, but the first time they were negative, the second time there was a faint line and ended in a chemical pregnancy so I figured that if I did test at home the results would either crush me, or provide hope that could be a false hope that I still wouldn't know for certain was a real positive until beta day anyways. SO. To save my nerves - I held out. No at home testing. I decided to take that time to be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). Beta day would come regardless, and I would have to face the truth then. But, in this blissful meantime - I was pregnant. We even talked realistically about twins, often. I started to really enjoy the two week wait.


Beta day came.... We took the day off again so we could really absorb what the results were. We went in for blood at 8am. I asked the lady drawing my blood to "only take the pregnant blood please" which made her laugh, and gave me a little comic relief for the situation. I was terrified! I know youre supposed to be positive and have faith, and I had been praying so much and trying to understand so much and had really come to accept any scenario but really, really hoping that this would be it. That we could actually be pregnant and actually get to bring home a healthy baby that would grow into a child that would live a happy thriving life outliving us. I can think of it lightly like, okay, this is just a maybe scenario anyways, nothing is owed to us, this may not work, but we are so lucky to have this opportunity for this chance period. Then my emotions overwhelm me and the desperation kicks in and all I feel is how much I want and need this, how I want this for my husband, my family, etc, and I could never be close to whole again with out a child. It was just so much riding on a stupid blood test! So I tried to block it out, went home and waited for the call with Justin. And waited, and waited. I think it was finally after 3pm (aka 5 thousand years later...) that we finally got the call. We had a beta that was high enough to confirm pregnancy, and even better, it was a really high beta! That moment was indescribable. We just held each other and cried. We knew we still had a long way to go, but this was the best news we had gotten in a long, long time. Then we had to wait 2 days for another beta to make sure our hCG levels were rising as they should be. Another test, more doubt and fear, but also more good news!! Next we had to wait a week to repeat the same test, and confirm that my hCG was still rising even more. By this time I was just feeling tired all day and falling asleep by 9pm every night. A week finally passed and - again - great news!! Great hCG!


So next was a scheduled ultrasound to confirm that the baby/babies were where they should be, growing as expected and little hearts beating..... A few days before the ultrasound, I experienced spotting. I know for some spotting is normal, and pregnancy articles say it can be normal. Spotting has NEVER been normal for me... It has always indicated the beginning of a miscarriage. The amount of emotions that came over me demolished my efforts to stay calm and positive. They asked me to come in that day for an ultrasound to check everything. Luckily Justin was able to be there with me. We just hugged each other and prayed... It was very fast, and rushed but we saw one perfect little baby in there with a heart rate of 125! Measuring right around 6 weeks and 2 days or so. I couldn't believe it. At this point was it harder to believe good news over bad news? We were thrilled..... Just hearing a heart beat decreases your risk for a miscarriage. I just, I was so happy. They said not to be concerned with the bleeding and to come back in another week. Well, I had more spotting which set me back to my worrisome self. I was really looking forward to the next ultrasound. I would be 7 weeks and 5 days. My miscarriages would always be before or around 7 weeks. I felt like this was such a big milestone to get to. I had been feeling very nauseas, and very tired which were very reassuring to me. Any time I wasn't nauseas I was scared something was wrong.. Not to mention that I have still been on all my meds and have just been a ball of emotions through all of this.... So the day came, another ultrasound.... This one was longer. My Dr looked for the fetus and found it. She slowly measured and measured. Finally (since I was holding my breath the hole time waiting for this) she played his/her heartbeat at 144 bpm. Exhale. Wow... Everything is okay. Everything looks great! This little baby already looked so much bigger than last week! I mean, Ive seen it before, and you read about it on your "what to expect" app, but wow! It was really happening! We were astonished and thankful and just so so happy!



I was so scared to let myself really accept that I was finally pregnant again because I know how quickly it could end. I enjoyed each day for the gift it was but I couldn't really let myself dream of the future because I had so many worries. I had done it so many times before and the pain is torturous and hard to come back from. I honestly don't know how I made it this far sometimes. Im really thankful for how I feel Ive began to grow with God. Im also really glad for where we are now in life. To have this new hope and beginning we can enjoy. On November first everything sort of caught up with me... I noticed that wow... Its NOVEMBER. Where has this year gone.. Its going to be Christmas soon, another new year. For the first time in a LONG time, the idea didn't sadden me. I was actually looking forward to it instead of reflecting on what felt like more lost time. Im just so happy to be pregnant. I hope and pray more than anything that this pregnancy goes well, this baby continues to grow and thrive and that we get to take him or her home to live a happy and long life with us.


Thank you all again for following this crazy emotional roller coaster journey and for all of your love and support. Im looking forward to sharing this entire rainbow pregnancy experience with you!

The Separation

Its odd... After so much time going by, its hard to determine what feelings are pulling from grief, which are pulling from desire, and which are normal insecure confusing feelings of where you are in life at your perspective age compared to where you wanted to be or thought you would be. Its hard to know who you would be if you didn't suffer such a tragic loss. I think its important to let that wonder go, because you can never undo the changes that occurred because of it. You have to accept you will never be that person. You will never have that innocence back. Focusing on who you are now is the only way to grow and move forward. Ive being trying to do that. Hard.

I haven't been able to write for awhile. Even this piece Ive worked on for over a week. Well, I take that back, I have written a lot, but its not anything I'd want to share because its unfinished, unresolved, and mostly depressing and bitter. I know those things are okay to feel and express, and I'm not ashamed of them, but its been a very long time of feeling this way. I feel I should be stronger by now. When I continued to open up and share these things, it started to make me feel more pitty for myself instead of being healing for me. I never imagined for this road to be so long and filled with so much constant up and down, rebuilding, and let down. I know Ive learned a lot, and theres so much good to come, but it still discouraging... Especially when you try to be hopeful for everyone else too, everyone else is rooting for you, and you feel like you let all of them down too.

Lately I have felt detached. I talk to my family and friends and find myself picturing their lives, their day to day. I think of the priorities they made and their families, their sacrifices. I think of the difference they must feel to come home and make dinner for not just themselves or themselves and their spouse, but for their family, for their kids. I think about things like the laundry that they have to do for their entire family. All the separate loads and sorting, folding, and putting away. I think of all the dishes and cleaning they must do. I think of how tired they must be at the end of their long but fulfilling days. I think of what their weekends may be like, waking up to make breakfast and spending the day together. The little things, the simple things.  I realize this is just my version of the "family dream". I know its so hard, and so much work. I know its not all just happy hallmark moments. I probably obsess over wondering about it more that I should because its been something we have worked towards and wanted for so long, and with every piece of my self I feel that's where we should be, I just feel incomplete without it.  It just makes me feel isolated, because Im still just here, doing laundry once every few weeks, meal prepping for the two of us, cleaning when its needed and not because I have a toddler wreaking havoc. I should appreciate trivial things being so easy, but the emptiness of it makes it bitter. I love having a full house and friends and family and their kiddos to play with, but when the house is its back to its silence, its hard.

Recently, I've stopped following Facebook. In the beginning I wanted to face everything so I wouldn't be caught off guard with news or announcements that could hurt me. Some things would still hurt but I could face it on my own and have a brave face when I had to. This was fine for a long time. I just didn't expect this journey to be so long. I didn't account for the affect that it had day after day, week after week, month after month, season after season, - year after year. I found myself becoming more and more irritable. I was lashing out and yelling for the smallest reasons. I was angry so often, frustrated, and had this feeling that I wasn't able to catch up. I noticed that all of a sudden I was feeling inadequate about other things that I didn't before like my home, job, etc. It took me awhile to realize why. When I would look at my Facebook, it would be filled with some much love, accomplishments, happy family moments, and announcements. What a blessing right? All my beloved family and friends have so many good things to share and that warms my heart, it really does. However it turned into me surrounding myself with examples of things that I wanted so dearly and didn't have. Trips I wanted to take too but couldn't because every chunk of change we have is saved for IVF. The improvements and changes we want to make to the house (All the fun DIY stuff we love) was also on hold due to funds. More and more of my friends were announcing pregnancies, which I was used to, but what began to wear on me was not only their pregnancy announcements, but to watch them go along to share birth announcements, happy birth stories, first holidays, first birthdays, and second pregnancies. It turned into too much. A pregnancy announcement I was used to. But when I saw a first birthday or second pregnancy he got heavier. It just reminded me that in the time that its still taking me trying so hard to help make IVF work others have went on to have two full pregnancies, celebrating first birthdays, etc. It made me feel like I lost so much time, that I was failing, that I wasn't any closer today than I was over a year ago to even have a thriving pregnancy. Its not to say I wasn't happy for everyone, there's no words that describe the love and happiness I have for the others that I see appreciating and loving all the positive and accomplishments in their lives. Its the dream! The dream Ive had for so long. It just hard to be surrounded by it all, all the time, while wanting it so badly. I noticed that it made me feel bad about myself, sad, empty, and pressured. I was trying to focus on us and what we did have, focus on our situation, in our own time while surrounding myself with everything we want and didn't have. It was self destructive and counter productive. Its not that I need to shelter myself from the world, but I needed to stop scrolling through it all every few hours. Since I stopped following Facebook, my days have been lighter. I have been able to see and appreciate more of what Justin and I have, without the pressured comparison feeling. It makes my world smaller, focused more on myself, Justin and our pups, easier to cope and deal with. It been a lot happier for us, cleansing, peaceful.

Our situation has just been hard. I question who I am, what's right, how to have faith. I struggle with perspectives on things. I feel that I constantly fight to find the right one and have to force myself to believe in it. Every day is a fight. Some are lost to depression and anger. Some I feel so fulfilled with all the love in my life and I feel like I am good, that I understand life and have a grip on everything. I just feel like I've been trying so hard and fighting for so long. I always thought it would be worth it. Each time we had a positive pregnancy test, genetic test, IVF transfer I try to keep myself positive and hopeful. Fighting against every doubt that comes up, every bad sign. Meanwhile others are telling me how sure they are that it will work, and even though I want to believe them, my first thought is frustration because no one has the power to assume such certainty such things. I cant tell you how many people just "knew" we would be pregnant "that" time and was wrong. I know that they just wanted it so badly for us. I know all the intent was good. It just hurts. I'm left feeling like a fool for believing in something so much for it to just fail. I feel guilty like for some reason its my fault, or our fate is deserved for some reason and we just don't know why. Each time, its so hard to build up that faith and hope again. But each time we somehow do.

I don't know what mind frame to be in for this next transfer. There have been a few changes in my protocol and in the transfer details. I feel really hopeful again, because I guess I just don't know how to be anything else. In just a short week, we will hopefully be transferring again. Another clean slate, another try, another possible new beginning. Wish us luck and sticky baby dust.

Round Two: Egg Retrieval and Embryo Update - EIGHT!

EIGHT.

I received the call early one morning while I was at my desk at work. I wasn't expecting to hear from them yet, and was completely caught off guard. The call itself lasted an entire 43 seconds. I answered, my coordinator told me she had results - pause - then asked if I wanted to year them (in response to my silence). To be perfectly honest I had been dreading the call. Everything had been going so well I was so scared of getting bad news. I didn't want to have any expectations and was perfectly content with the time in between of not knowing.... For once, the waiting was enjoyable, and happy. The thought of results and the reality of it and how much it meant was almost unbearable. So here I am, on the line, waiting for her to speak again in her monotone-giving-nothing-away voice as she goes on to tell me that we have EIGHT healthy unaffected embryos. Some are a very decent high grade, some a little less that high - but all healthy and disease free! She said congratulations, I said "K, thanks!" and hung up! Very rudely and abruptly - but I was just overwhelmed with emotions and needed to just process and soak it up! Also, mind you, I was still at my desk hoping that no one would approach me while on a call and holding back tears. So I paused and sat and processed, exhaled, and fast walked outside to call my husband immediately. Be were both so over-joyed and in such shock. It was torture to not be with him in person to just hold each other over the news.


Out of 16, we have 8. EIGHT! Eight unaffected healthy embryos. Eight CHANCES. Eight opportunities for the dream of growing our families, experiencing life growing within me again, to watch grow day by day as curiosity and learning happens before their eyes. Eight chances at experiencing the full gift of motherhood. Christmas mornings, Easter egg hunts, birthday parties, Disneyland trips, bedtime stories, jammie cuddles, Saturday morning cartoons, spilled milk, sleepless nights, and chaos. Even more so, the chance for not just one, but possibly siblings! The depth of it all! So many of these dreams I thought were slim if not over. This was our last shot. I know we still have the transfer to go through and that it needs to be successful but these chances! We have them. We are this far. They are frozen perfectly in time. What a milestone to achieve. My happiness cannot be obtained. The amount of swelling love I feel from this just brings me to tears. My gratitude is immeasurable. Thank you all for your continued prayers, love and support. Its been a long, long time waiting, but its happening.


Transfer is tentatively set for July. Making babies!

Some Truth About IVF

 

"Playing God is never good"   •   "Test tube babies"   •   "Too lazy to have sex"   •   "The earth isn't over populated enough"   •   "Why do people want to procreate that badly"   •   "23 is so young to be infertile"   •   "That's mother natures way of saying 'no'"    •   "Stop being selfish and adopt maybe"

 

When people hear the term "IVF" it could go a few different ways. Some know about in vitro fertilization from having experienced the process themselves. Some will refer to their story of a family member/friend/acquaintance that had used the method. Some briefly know the basics of the process and some are completely against it.


Before IVF became the method for my husband and I to use, I knew little about it: It was a method to get pregnant. It involved needles, sperm, eggs, a dish, a whole lotta cash and consisted of the woman being artificially inseminated. That was about it. I didn't really have a stance on it, I didn't think I would ever go through it. I knew some used IVF to solely select gender and I wasn't a fan of that, But that was really as far as I thought about it.

As many of you know, I'm currently in my second round of IVF (round one was unsuccessful). I've seen some articles trending about IVF successes and how more and more women are choosing to not be so silent about their journeys of IVF, infertility, and more.  The comments like the ones above are from articles about IVF and IVF success stories like the ones trending online with the newborn laying in a heart shaped consolidation of the injections and medications that were used to help them conceive via IVF. Some are happy and supportive while others are outraged. Recently I've become more and more aware of the "trolling" comments being left on these articles. Id LOVE the chance to share just a bit of insight to some of these misconceptions, rash judgments and pure ignorance.

1. IVF is used for SO many different reasons.
I cant speak for everyone, But I for one am NOT trying to make a "super baby" by hand picking the strongest DNA to have the fastest smartest child at the gender I so choose. I actually had a super baby. He was born naturally, perfectly healthy and beautiful in Spring of 2014. That was until a long spiral of unexpected events finally led to his passing away, unexpectedly in an ER surrounded by us and devastated helpless medical staff. His full story can be found here. We learned abruptly that we were both genetic carriers for a very rare usually fatal disorder. After another long series of unfortunate events, we chose to try IVF with PGD not for "selfish" reasons, but to have a child who wouldn't be in pain, and could live for longer than 65 short days. This is the case for many others. Many genetic disorders can be prevented by PDG while undergoing IVF. Other common reasons that IVF is used is Infertility, Fallopian tube damage or blockage, Ovulation disorders, Premature ovarian failure, Endometriosis, Uterine fibroids, Impaired sperm production or function, Unexplained infertility, Fertility preservation for cancer or other health conditions, etc.  Some people see infertility and reasons causing infertility lightly, but there are so many depths of pain and suffering that comes with it. There's really not a need for me to list every single cause that leads to perusing IVF. Just like there isn't a need to assume everyone is undergoing IVF for selfish reasons. You don't have to understand it to be kind.


2. Infertility Myths
This can happen at anytime, to any man or woman. Infertility doesn't see age or sex. Some couples are older in age when they find their partner to begin a family. Some realize only then that they are infertile. Quickly, time becomes a HUGE factor. Waiting and trying to conceive naturally for 2 years to then go see a specialist and begin IVF in hopes to be pregnant IF its successful the first round within an additional year... This time adds up fast. Its different for everyone. Infertility isn't due do a lack of trying.  Its nothing that is done incorrectly. Its not "giving up" after a few months. There are so many layers to it. Please stop disrespecting these women with blunt assumptions fueled by a lack of understanding and compassion for something that you would truly need to experience to understand.


3. Adoption
If I had a nickel for every time the miraculous obvious solution of "just adopting" was placed at my feet I could almost afford an entire round of IVF w/PGD, or even a full adoption in itself. I am completely on board with adoption. I believe it is a miraculous and very open hearted process and brings so much happiness to the world. I think it is so wonderful. I personally have not ruled out adoption. Just because a person chooses to try IVF for their chance at experiencing pregnancy and growing their family does not mean they will not later choose to adopt. Key word - CHOOSE. The sky is supposed to be blue, the grass - green, the sun - hot. Female cows produce milk, chickens - eggs.... See where Im going with this? Women were created to procreate, our bodies to create and support life. Its been embedded in our lives as soon as we start playing with dolls or observing how the world works. We are supposed to grow up and WE get to make families. Those of us that cannot, are ripped apart by this ability and choice being stolen from us. It should never be a choice for anyone else to take away. The fact that we have a way to try if we choose to is ours. It is not selfish to want to experience pregnancy grow inside you or to birth a child. Or to want to see your features and your husbands in them as they grow. Is passing on your own DNA 100% needed to complete a family? No. There are many ways to do this, and adoption is absolutely one of those wonderful beautiful ways. However, it is not anyone else's choice to make. Trying IVF shouldn't be shamed, and it shouldn't be labeled as selfish. We feel bad enough about our inadequacies. Believe me. Women who choose to sacrifice everything in hopes to bring new LIFE in to the world isn't the problem. Especially when those lives are SO so wanted.


4. Mother Nature and Playing God
Ill be completely upfront. After seeing what I've seen and the road I've traveled its safe to say that my faith has been rocky. I'm currently seeking God and trying to interpret his word for myself.  So please bear with my ignorance.  First, how could anyone assume that "mother nature" just up and decided "nah, not that one, she shouldn't be able to conceive" or is playing "duck, duck, infertile" with the population. Not to mention, "mother nature" is a personification, abstract, theoretical icon like "Father Time". As for the religion side of things, I can see how this can be interpreted in different ways. I refuse to debate but in my opinion I still truly believe a few things as it applies to my  specific situation. I do not believe that IVF means trying to "play God." I'm truly sorry for those that see it that way. I shouldn't have to say it, but of course, it hurts when people imply that God did this to me like a curse or an execution of his plan and I should just accept it. I don't believe that God did this to me. I believe in free will and that some things simply happen. We are only human. I still believe that if we are meant to have and carry another biological child then we will. If not, then we can visit the idea of adoption or adjust the expectations of our lives. I did however miss the part where it was opened up for judgment from everyone else.


5. Lets talk about sex...
You know, I do think that IVF will ultimately replace the act of intercourse. Absolutely. I mean people obviously ONLY endure it now to specifically procreate and those of us going through the thrill seeking adventure of IVF are way to lazy to partake in the act our selves. [biggest eye roll] Comments like this are just too ridiculous to entertain. In all seriousness, for some people the fact that a pregnancy could result from making love is one of the most beautiful things in the world. When that beautiful part is also taken out of such a meaningful act, it too hurts us. Intimacy at all is harder during this process because of all the restrictions and changes that your body goes through. Its another constant reminder of what we cannot do naturally. I truly wish it were as easy as just "having sex".


Each part of IVF is hard - the decision in its self, the cost, the risks, the success rates, the toll it has on a relationship, the roller coaster of hormone caused emotions, the injections, the procedures, the contracts that make you question things you never thought of before when it comes to what to do with your embryos, the waiting, the hoping, the physical toll your body takes from it, and so so so much more. If you're a fellow IVFer, my heart goes out to you. If you're not, I hope you never have to. Regardless, I wish there was more information that went "viral" about the truths of IVF and not the superficial test tube baby side of it. Even news stations and websites use degrading titles and headlines that set the wrong perception. It just adds fuel to the fire for conspiracy. Yes I understand the unethical way IVF could be used, No I don't agree with it all. People are so quick to have a firm stance on everything and feel overly entitled to use their freedom of speech to spew their opinions on to everyone. I'm not saying there's a right or wrong. I think you should absolutely do a little research and form an educated, well rounded opinion before feeling so strongly about something especially if it doesn't pertain to you or if you've never had to go through any of it yourself. IVF as it applies to the women that are simply trying to get pregnant and have a family - let us be. Just be happy for us, or at the least, kind - or respectfully  quiet.

Round Two: Stimulation Injections

The On April 30th we began stimulation shots. This part of the process is designed to help the ovaries to make enough follicles and eggs using mediation. Without stimulating medications, the ovaries make and release only 1 mature egg per cycle. The goal here is to have several follicles grow so multiple eggs can be retrieved at one time. Ive listed the protocol for both rounds to compare.

Round 1 -

Stims Day 1-3 ~ Gonal F 175 & Menopur 75

Stims Day 4-6 ~ Gonal F 100 & Menopur 75

Stims Day 7-8 ~ Gonal F 100, Menopur 75, Cetrotite 0.25mg

Stims Day 9 ~ Trigger Shot Pregnyl

Day 10 ~ No Shots!  Oral Pills Zithromax, and Fluconazole.

Day 11 ~ Retrieval Day! (Retrieved 16 eggs, 11 were mature, 9 fertilized and 7 made it to day 5 blastocyst. Unfortunately only one was normal and nonaffected after PGD/PGS testing and resulted in a BFN after transfer.)

Round 2 -

Stims Day 1-5 ~ Gonal F 125 & Menopur 75

Stims Day 6-8 ~ Gonal F 125, Menopur 75, Cetrotite 0.25mg

Stims Day 9 ~  Gonal F 200, Cetrotite 0.25mg (this was only because I was out of Menopur and my coordinator said this would work the same) 

Stims Day 10 ~ Trigger Shot Ovidrel

Day 11 ~ No Shots!  Oral Pills Zithromax, and Fluconazole.

Day 12 ~ Retrieval Day! (Retrieved 32 Eggs, 22 were mature, 20 fertilized, and 16 made it to day five blastocysts)

Its hard to explain how differently these two rounds of stimming have been. I injected in my legs both times. Iced the injection site first, then Justin administered my shots. Menopur burns regardless, but the actual shots turn into a simple chore and I get a super cute Bandaid as a reward for. The first round I was so nervous and anxious and could not stop researching everything. I was eating well but added more sodium, stopped drinking completely, cut all caffeine and worked out lightly after the first 3 days. This time, it was just different. I was calmer, less anxious and knew what to expect. I had a glass of wine the night before we stated and once during. I had my usual cup of coffee in the morning. Drank ALOT of water. I worked out lightly after three days (that's when you can usually start to feel the bloating and they advise against anything extraneous). I still ate well but added more sodium as directed.

I felt well during the week of stims until around the end I was more and more losing my appetite. After retrieval I immediately gained 5lbs (that day!) and the insane bloating began to set in. It was much more painful this time and still took about a week to heal. My doctor did tell me that its worse depending on the higher number of eggs retrieved, but hey, it was worth it! Im also REALLY glad this part is over.

Now we wait the two weeks to find out how many of the little embies are healthy and unaffected by our disorder. Then the real fun begins!

I am so unbelievably thankful that we had such a successful stim round. I wish I knew who or what to give credit to from a protocol perspective. Im just so thankful that we were so blessed. Im really thankful for those we have in out life that are with us through this journey. Im also really happy and Justin and I are dedicating time to form our own opinions within our faith and God together. I know personally this has made me feel much better. Everything has been happy lately. Im beyond appreciative for everyone's prayers and support. I really really hope and pray that we continue to have happy news to share!

IVF - Round Two Begins

Our first round of IVF failed in January. Typically when this happens the next step would be to transfer another embryo. Since we only had the one to transfer from our last round, that wasn't an option for us. We would have to start all over. I was so completely physically and mentally exhausted and was already pushing myself too far with everything in general. In February I made a choice to delay beginning a new round for a month or so to focus on myself. I made a plan and am proud to say that I was able to see it all through. Ironically, I took more on, which I debated if it was the right choice or not since it seemed contradictory. I'm so glad that I did, I'm even more proud that I saw it through.


Getting a new boxer puppy was one of the first decisions we made. There have been more than a few times that I seconded guessed if this was a good choice or not. I mean, another puppy?! While our house is currently inhabited by two perfect pups who are quiet and listen and need zero supervision? In a weird way, I wanted the chaos. Our house being so still and quiet is exactly what gets to me sometimes because we should have a crazy 2 year old running around and possibly another sibling. The silence hurts sometimes, but to change it with a puppy who cant be trusted and immediately tries to chew on the stone of your fireplace, swallow rocks, and is peeing in the house....... Uh... What did we do!? We've had her for 9 weeks now and honestly could not be more proud of how smart and obedient she already is. She was potty trained fully within two weeks. She can already be left out of a kennel, and knows basic commands (Sit, Stay, Lay Down, and Shake).  I'm really looking forward to taking her out for walks, hiking, camping, etc. I feel like we've all been on house arrest because she's still waiting on a final round of shots before she can leave the house. I love the energy she brought to our home. I love the puppy she brings out of Cassius (our older boxer). I love how different she is from our other two pups. I'm so happy about our new little lady Laila. :) She was absolutely the breath of fresh air we needed.
                                  



Apparently because I like torture, I signed up for the RAW Fitness Challenge 6 week fitness program to lose some of the extra weight from our last round. It was 6 solid weeks of a very strict meal plan (No drinking, no dairy [Ugh, no ICE CREAM? Or milk for my daily coffee!?] limited carbs, and no cheat meals. I was being very very "hangry" during this time, Justin was such a trooper dealing with me. It was hard to spend so much time cooking, prepping, dishes, eating on a strict schedule every three hours and planning our days around it. Oh how I missed our weekends of date night dinners. It also required at least 4 days of their boot camp workouts. I went five days, and started adding in 40 minutes of cardio following the boot camp and even a few Saturdays! Who am I, right!? And again, Why do I choose to take more on!? BUT - I DID IT. I lost the 20 lbs and was fully reimbursed cost wise for program because I met the goal. I cannot tell you how emotional I was. To work so hard for something that ACTUALLY paid off... I needed that so much. I felt so empowered, strong and proud.


My birthday month is April. The fitness challenge finished the week before my birthday. We made plans to get away. We used to always have so many camping trips, California vacations, Disneyland experiences, and more. With the financial burden of IVF, that was all pretty much non existent. We made the decision to plan a cheap, simple quick trip to California to visit the newly opened Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios Hollywood and to visit a few beaches in the area. It was SO nice to have a blocked amount of time to not have any responsibilities, stress, protocols, schedules or worries. The trip was amazing. We got to stroll around the village shops of Hogsmeade like children, roam the Hogwarts™ castle, drink butterbeer, eat gourmet food, and goof around. We watched The Jungle Book opening night at City Walk while binging on popcorn and lemon heads from Honeydukes. We played bocce ball on the sands of Huntington Beach. We searched for marine life in the tide pools of Little Corona. We visited Downtown Disney to dine at ESPN zone and simply inhale the magical air (a must).
                              
                               




Everything was ignorantly perfect. All of our baby making stress was on hold. Our plan was to begin the second round when we returned home. I was on a plan to begin birth control so they could monitor my cycle to start stim shots with the following cycle. Imagine my surprise when I get a call (while on vacation) that I was to start two medications that same day. Well, that escalated quickly, and so much for being stress free!


All this time I've been putting off preparing mentally to go into another whole round. All the waiting, and hormones, and shots, and restrictions, and wondering and waiting for test results, and just all of it.... Now we are on our last day of paradise and its like nope, IVF time! I'm not sure why my protocol was changed, but it sure did speed things up! But, as of my birthday, we officially started round two. I'm currently on  Estrace and Aygestin twice a day for a little over a week, and will start injections late next week or so. I am so beyond thankful that I have a different insurance this round that will help with over 60% of costs. I'm so glad to be at such a better, healthier place physically and weight wise. I'm so happy to have had a break to feel like myself again and enjoy time with my husband feeling carefree. I'm sure this wont be easy, but I hope this round is at the least, successful. I feel less anxious and stressed (most of the time) about it. I just hope the calmness lasts. So, here goes, Round Two (and most likely our last) of IVF with PGD. Wish us all the luck!

Liam's Upcoming 2nd Birthday Anniversary

In the past, we have done balloon releases for Liam. As beautiful and healing at these are to watch, I can’t help but feel guilty for polluting our world and putting animals at risk to benefit ourselves, especially knowing that it was on behalf of our son. This year, I would like to do something different. So many of you want to remember and celebrate the day of Liam’s birth (March 25th). Justin and I don’t want to do a party, cake, singing, etc. We tend to celebrate this day in a different way, together. However, for everyone who’s thoughts are always with us, always caring, and searching for their own way to heal or recognize the birth of our handsome little guy, I would love to offer some ideas. I have compiled a list of my favorite random acts of kindness and even added some of my own. For the month of March, if you would like to participate, do something remarkable in honor of Liam. Donate your time or used items to someone. Show kindness at a time you may have otherwise overlooked the opportunity to. Do an unsolicited good deed for someone else, just because. Do something that our community and environment will benefit from. Liam’s passing shattered, crushed, and destroyed so many things that I never even knew I had and was taking for granted. My innocence, hope, and faith to name a few. I know it rocked these things and more for so many others in his and our lives. Amongst all of the darkness, It would be so nice to bring so much light to the world from his remembrance. It would be so comforting and wonderful to know that Liam is the reason for such extra kindness in the world no matter how big or small the act is. I'm looking forward to seeing so much good come from his wonderful life. Lets be an example that tragedy does not only bring out the opportunity to be angry and harden. It can be a reason to be better, appreciate more, give more, forgive more, and love harder. Happy birthday month baby boy. ♥

The Plan...

As you know, our journey to starting a family has been a long and very unexpected one. When we tried the first time, it was easy. After the miscarriage it took some time to recover but when the time came and we tried again, within a couple months we were pregnant with Liam. It was scary to be constantly in fear of miscarriage again, but the pregnancy was so happy and blissful. I thought I was through the worst of the worst. Then we lost Liam. Then we learned why. Then after about seven months of healing and researching our options, decided to take a huge leap of faith and try for another child naturally. When that resulted in another miscarriage and another loss from the same genetic disorder as Liam, we were at a new rock bottom. Since then, we started IVF w/PGD and after a very, very long road of that also failing, we again, are at a new rock bottom. Since 2012 my focus has been starting a family. After having and losing Liam in 2014 and experiencing  losing everything thing that we'd wanted for so long, having more children had become my everything. I would wake up and my first thoughts would be all of the loss and emptiness from the last few years. I'd have to regularly talk my self out of that depression every single morning and replace it with all the things I was doing to help us have a child. I would force myself to be positive. Its all I could ever think about. With every other pregnancy announcement, every niece/nephew/cousin's birthday party, every holiday gathering, every party night out all I could think of is what our lives should have been like vs what it actually is and how to just get the happy times back. Everything hurt all the time. I thought I was doing what needed to be done by forcing it, you know "fake it till you make it", but now after its gone on for so long, I'm not sure that's still the best course. I realize now I haven't been happy and I've neglected or half assed a lot of other areas in my life as a result. Its went on for too long.


We had a consult with our Dr at Red Rock Fertility Center to review our failed IVF cycle. She said exactly what we expected her to. I responded better than average to all medications. The average eggs retrieved is typically around 12, we had 16, succeeding in that area too. When we did the transfer my levels were perfect. There was no medical reason found as to why it didn't work. It just simply didn't. Of course they want us to try again, and their only real change to the process is to possibly do the stim shots longer to try and retrieve even more eggs since our disorder is knocking so many of them out. Fortunately, my work had some insurance changes this year, and I'm on a plan that may allow for up to $7,500.00 lifetime maximum to go towards IVF w/PGD. Since they also marked me as having PCOS I should be approved for this coverage, which would help tremendously. The medications, and other procedures will still be a lot. But it may be something we can do. I'm happy to have that kind of assistance at all.


They let me know that we could start the IVF process again immediately depending on my body and my next cycle. After really trying to think about the next best course, we have decided to plan on trying IVF (hopefully) again in April. Ill be able to get a more clear price quote in early April and go from there. I also would just be fooling myself if I thought Id be ready to jump back in to all of this next month with March being a very sensitive month already.

 

So - In this meantime, I will not focus my every thought on what I don't have and want so desperately. I will focus on different things. New goals. New dreams. This is not saying that our others wont come true, I just know I need a break. We have decided to make a few changes to our life now. I truly believe I need to stop numbly going through the motions

of life while waiting for this storm to pass. I feel that I've miserably wasted the last year and a half by doing this. I need to be happy now. I need to embrace the happy things in my life (more) now. So here's the plan.

 

1. I'm focusing on bettering myself.
• I'm a firm believer that you are responsible for your own happiness (yes, even still). Despite everything we've been through, I cannot just sit back and expect to just wake up happy one day pregnancy or no pregnancy. I decided to sign up for a 6 week fitness program at RAW Fitness. Currently we consume "mostly" healthy prepped meals during the work week and eat out/less healthy on weekends paired with working out 4 days a week but I easily find a reason to be upset and leave early or slack off. This program will consist of a very strict meal plan, no alcohol, and 4-5 high intense workouts a week. I already know I'll be grumpy, sore and sober regretting it after the first two days, but I think in the long run I need this type of discipline to make sure I put more effort into it. I'd love to go into a future pregnancy being at a more healthy weigh. Plus after all of the IVF medications causing weight gain and the on and off workout restrictions, I haven't been able to really focus on slimming down as much as I have wanted to, and lets face it, I'm a total stress eater. Being at a confident place body-wise has turned into another thing that I "want but don't have" and there's no reason for it now. I need to suck it up, and get it done. If I can do it, I will feel so unbelievably better about myself. I think that's a great place to start.
2. We are planning a trip.
• This fitness plan will be over right before my birthday. Instead of being depressed at how I'm another year older and should have two happy healthy kids by now, I'm going to celebrate and hopefully with a skinnier bod! I'm not sure when or where but I know that we will figure it out, and have a quick get-a-way to just relax and enjoy each other. Even just some fresh California air or Duck Creek scenery will be so refreshing. Its long overdue.
3. We got a puppy!
• Meet Laila <3 We have wanted another boxer for so long, and were so close to getting one so many times. Each time we would sit down with our "responsible" selves and decide its just too much right now. With this first round of IVF we were planning on having two embryos to transfer (instead of just the one) and having the very real possibility of twins. Two infants, two car seats, two large boxers and a tiny chihuahua?! Our car isn't even big enough for that life! So we again decided against it. Now that things are different, we decided to not wait anymore. We now have a window for this puppy to train without any additional responsibilities while keeping us busy. I know we sound like crazy dog people, but we are! Since everything with Liam, our dogs have just been different too. Its like they can feel the energy in our house is different. Its like they don't understand what happened when mom got all big, then brought home a baby, then never brought him back and smells and objects changed around the house. Having this new little puppy brought so much LIFE and HAPPY into our home again. Cassius has some one to play with (when he's not annoyed with her) and bring the puppy out of him again. I'm so so happy for this little sweet girl.

So, plain and simple right? I'm sure it sounds counter productive to take more on right now, but I really think its exactly what we need. I hope we get the most out of these upcoming months so we can be back to happy and strong when we need it most while trying again. Focusing on the other areas that I've neglected and improving them is something I do have control over and I'm really happy to have a goal that I can actually make happen. I'm excited to have a new addition to our fur baby family. Someone to shake up our routine. I'm happy to have a trip to look forward to that we will enjoy regardless instead of a doctor appointment that consists of either good or bad news. I know Ill still have bad days, but like they say, "Its a bad day, not a bad life". Even though sometimes it can feel the other way around. I want to be happy again. Really happy. I really believe this could be the right path to get back there.


As always, thank you all for your love, support, and understanding <3

The BFN.

Ill be honest.


This post is uncensored, raw, and real. Its not one to give "warm & fuzzies". Its not one I ever wanted to write. I do so, because I'm not the only one that's going through this. I'm not the only one that had $16,000.00 for IVF, $5,000.00 for PGD, and over $3,000.00 in specialty medications and injections thrown down the drain for absolutely nothing in return. Im writing this in case someone else is suffering while trying to grow their family and maybe needs to hear that its okay to be angry , tired and distraught. I know ill pull myself together again, but its not without all these feelings that come along with it. I cannot believe IVF failed for us. I thought we would at the very least have remaining frozen embryos to fall back on. We have nothing.  Well, I guess that's not entirely true. I have lovely lumps and bruises left over from progesterone shots. I still actually have some marks on my legs from stim shots before the egg retrieval. I look about four months pregnant (which is just exceptionally cruel) from all of the other hormones causing extreme bloating, stress eating, and from not being able to work out for the last few weeks. Oh, and I even have the mood swings of a raging PMSer and the ability to cry repeatedly at the drop of a hat. I also got to lead all of my friends and family down this amazing inspiring story just to get their hopes up to later let them crash and burn as well. So, I guess if you're a "glass half full" kind of person, you could say I got something out of it after all. I'm also sure I'm not the only one that's been through all of that either. Sadly, I know too well, there are many of us.


We were given remarkable odds for IVF. Because I've already naturally became pregnant, carried and given birth to Liam, my body was expected to be more accepting of the process. I'm healthy, active, and young. All the odds were in our favor. After the FET (frozen embryo transfer) I stayed on bed rest for three days, doctors orders. I tried to hit most of the "old wives tales"  that surrounded IVF success stories. I had been drinking 4+ liters of water daily, and morning smoothies (room temperature) for a few weeks leading up to the big day, and following. I had pineapple core, pomegranate juice, berries, nuts, avocado, healthy oils (coconut, extra virgin, etc), leafy greens, and more daily in addition to our regular balanced meals. I stayed away from anything frozen or cold. I immediately started avoiding the normal things you should while pregnant. After the three days, I went to work, came home and relaxed as instructed. I went on a few light walks with the pups, and enjoyed lots of funny and feel good movies. I was feeling great. I was positive. I had maybe two times where I could tell my blood pressure raised and I'm sure it was from being anxious. I did the best I could to take deep breathes and calm myself down. Everyone just "says" to not get stressed out. Lets not even get started on how unrealistic that even is. Its only everything on the line here while its all out of my control. When aching for your first born, remembering the miscarriages along with the other baby boy we should have had, and the constant yearning for a baby to have and hold to take home safely while realizing that it could all be happening right now inside your own body is the first thing and only thing on your mind every single moment of every single day, yeah, I guess it should be just so easy to not think about or stress about. Its only our life. But yeah, shame on me for "stressing" which I feel despite everything I did a great job avoiding.


On day eight (8dp5dt) I took a home pregnancy test. It was negative. I didn't let that scare me. I knew it was early, and when I was pregnant before I never was ever able to get a positive pregnancy test early. I just kept doing the things that distracted me, and made my days happy. I tested again (12dp5dt) the day before I was supposed to go to Red Rock Fertility to test. It was negative again. That's when I accepted it. I knew that there could be some miracle change and I was so open to that, but I knew, I wasn't pregnant. I knew it had failed. The next day came and sure enough, they confirmed it. It hurt just as bad as the day before.


There was so much lost emotionally. Not to mention the time it all took and the costs. Normally if you have a failed round you have other embryos to try and transfer. Its a matter of waiting a month or so and trying again, and again. If you don't have embryos left, well, you start all over from the beginning. If we could even try it again, it would be months to go through the checks again, birth control. stims, egg retrieval, testing, and IF we even get any healthy embryos - finally transfer....... All you do while you wait is try and stay hopeful. You envision your life and what it could be like if and when this process works. You lose yourself in that dream and all of its wonderfulness. Then that too is taken and you feel like a fool for thinking it in the first place.


Liam would have been two in upcoming March. TWO. Running, talking, growing. I have SO SO many closest friends and family that are starting and continuing their families. I should be pregnant with a toddler running around to catch right along side with them. It seems like the perfect foundation for the life I wanted FOR my children is surrounding me perfectly . Only its cruel because I have nothing to contribute but sorrow and failed attempts. I'm so happy for them, but so destroyed to not be with them. I just want that next chapter of life. I feel sad for my family. Knowing that it breaks them to know that this didn't work. The distant ones that I know feel for us, but avoid talking to us because they don't even know what to say or what they believe in anymore. I hate feeling responsible for so many other peoples pain. I feeling like because what's happened to us, has questioned their own faith. You know that girl that just lights up the room when she walks in? Well, when I enter a room, I feel like the dark cloud that reminds everyone of sadness, pain, and pity, making them feel uneasy. Now instead of focusing on holding myself together, I feel the pressure to try and make everyone else feel comfortable and show them how "okay" I am to put them at ease.  I want nothing more than to finally have news that will make them happy. I'd love to have park play dates and BBQs with my friends while all of our kids run around and play together. Now I'm not sure if this dark cloud will ever even leave us. I feel that I have failed. I feel ashamed and disgraced. I'm so unbelievably sad for everything. Its truly unbelievable. There are no words, no comfort, nothing that can fix what seems broken.


I don't want this all to be taken as "oh, woe is me". This is just what life is for us right now. Of course I'm angry and distraught, but that's okay. I'm okay. We really will be okay. I'm not sure what our next steps are. I know we will meet with Red Rock Fertility center to see if they have any feedback, but everything went so perfectly, I'm not sure if they will even have any. It is what it is. This just wasn't the miracle we were hoping it would be. I have no idea what to do now going forward. To be honest, I'm exhausted. I know Ill be taking some time to focus on myself again. I feel so lost in everything that its important for me to feel like me again. For now, Ill just surround myself with all the good in life. My husband. Our home. Our pups. Our family. Our friends. Hiking in the beautiful upcoming Spring scenery. Wine & LUSH Bath bombs. The little things. I don't know why we are here, or why these hardships have fallen on us. I know that its hardened me very much. Its changed me in many, many ways. I also know that's it's made my heart bigger, my marriage unconditional, my patience stronger and my compassion for others grow. These are things that some people lack their entire lives either by ignorance or circumstance. I never want to be that old bitter, mean, lonely woman. I'm so thankful for the angels and wonderful people in my life. Thank you for always being here, supporting, praying, and loving us. And for the other hurting mommas out there... Hopefully the miracle you're waiting for comes to you, and soon. Its so so easy to lose yourself in this process. Live while you wait for the storm to pass.


I promise. We will be okay.