Happy Birthday - Year Seven

 

March 25th, 2021.

Today Liam would have been turning S E V E N years old. Another anniversary of his BIRTHday. Typically each year, I go through the familiar path of wondering who he would have been or could have been. What do seven-year-olds spend their time doing? What would he be into? What would his favorite color, sport, or food be? Would he be wild, strong, and energetic like Asher? Would he be particular, independent, and funny like Audrey? Would he be crazy smart, headstrong, and determined like Quinn? This year, I notice that among these wonders, I find myself thinking about who he still is to me today vs. who he could have or would have been.

When I think of Liam, I still visualize him as my sweet, curious 2-month-old baby whose face was full of new expressions. It's odd though, because when I think of him, outside of my memories with him, he feels more like an old soul. It's almost like he's more of someone old and wise you respect and look up to, similar to a teacher, coach, conscience, or even angel on my shoulder type of form.

Every time I have a “helicopter mom” moment – I think of Liam and feel comforted and accepted for trying to prevent every potential accident (even though, yes I know, is impossible). When I lose my temper – I think of Liam and can calm down and remember why I need to reset, and find more patience. When I feel my frustrations begin to boil over – I think of Liam and remember why it's important to realign my perspectives and reset once more. When I simply see a hummingbird fluttering closely, I think of Liam and feel like it's his way of saying "hello". He reminds me to slow down. He reminds me that it's okay to have PTSD when certain triggering situations arise. He reminds me of all the dreams I've ever had. He reminds me of every obstacle I've overcome to get to where I am. He reminds me of how quickly your entire world can change. He reminds me not to take things for granted. He reminds me tomorrow is never guaranteed. He reminds me to be kind and compassionate in all the ways, all the time. He reminds me to be extra grateful for my health and prioritize its importance. He reminds me that I am not in control. His life led me to learn many life lessons quickly that I was either too ignorant to see before or fortunate not to have to experience firsthand. 

 

Liam is also prevalent in other scenarios that make me feel less inspired and instead bring up more grieving feelings. When I hear “Oh you have your hands full” I think of Liam and how he is not being physically represented in our family. Every time Im asked “how many kids do you have” I think of Liam and whether or not I go into his level of detail to answer such a relatively easy question to this innocent unsuspecting stranger. When outsiders see me and my family, they don’t see the two natural miscarriages, our genetic disorder, the second baby boy pregnancy loss we had in 2015, the two rounds of IVF, the four individual embryo transfers, or Liam James - our first born (should be seven years old) son watching over us from above. We seem to be a family of five while we will always be a unique family of six. 

 

I also wonder how I explain this to my living children as they ask more questions. Today his photos are still all around us, and they know his name. Quinn grasps that we label him as her big brother but hasn’t connected it yet. She knows we do unique crafts to celebrate him and that we go to the park to see his tree and the special park to bring him flowers. She knows that we often grab two of the same Hot Wheel cars and leave one with him and bring the other home for her. The twins call him the “baby – night night” because hes sleeping in so many of his photos. Asher even pronounces “rainbow” as “Leeeeeummmm” (such a coincidence as he used to pronounce rainbow clearly.)

 

There's not a clear summary or ending punch line. No moral of the story or words of wisdom. Just another phase of our family story. Another chapter of Liam James and who he is today to us and what he continues to teach us. He continues to bring us to new people in similar situations. He is still so embedded in our family, and I love how his memory is so alive in them and all the people he touched. 

 

Baby Boy. You are so so loved. So missed. So remembered. We wish you were here with us but are so thankful to have you above us. <3 Thank you.

 

Happy Birthday. 

All our love - 

 - Mama, Dada, Quinn, Audrey & Asher

 

Bump Update: 32 Weeks

Week: 32
Baby Size: Head of Lettuce
Pregnancy Side Effects: Sleepy all the time,
Bump Status: Bigger and Bigger!

Currently...

Eating: Sunflower seeds, & Salads (with wayyy more ranch than I'd like to admit)...
Craving: Nachos, Café Rio
Drinking: Water and Decaf Iced Black Tea!
Wearing: Maternity pants, Regular tops, etc.
Feeling: Really great still! I had some more ligament pain for a couple days, but besides that, Im just still usually tired, but physically feel great.
Weather: Besides the nasty wind that has still be circling around, its been beautiful weather around the 70s and 80s. Im hoping it lasts for our baby shower this weekend!
Wanting: To do baby laundry, nest, organize, and clean!
Thinking: About our baby shower, and hoping my pregnancy brain hasn't affected much of its plans...
Enjoying: The weather, this big belly, and this sweet baby girl with all of her movements and interactions.
Missing: I really cant think of too much to miss... The things I'd think to miss like wine, caffeine, some of the foods Ive given up for pregnancy I really don't miss because I remember how much I resented having them all the time I was trying so hard to get pregnant.
Doing: Still trying to make enough time for the gym, going on walks, enjoying time with our family and friends.
Looking Forward To: Our baby "sprinkle" this weekend!

Oh how the time has flown! The last two weeks have been so exciting. I've been feeling great, so great, that we opted to take a quick little "baby moon" to California to spend some time at the beach and so some shopping and dreaming at Downtown Disney. We had beautiful weather, great company, and some very memorable moments. We spent time at Newport Beach, had lunch at Ruby's on the pier, built sandcastles and basked in the sun. We also spent a lot of time in the World of Disney store at Downtown Disney looking at baby toys and clothes and picked up a few things for Quinn and her nursery. A wonderful, wonderful getaway.

When we arrived back home, we had an OB appointment during which we got to measure Quinn's growth! Towards the end of the 30th week she was measuring at a healthy 3lb 8oz. We tried to get 3d/4d photos of her but like usual, she loves to hide. This time she had her head turned into my hip and was holding her feet in front of her face with her hands! She had been getting the hiccups every day for over the past week. Liam had only gotten the hiccups once during his pregnancy so I was growing concerned with the frequency she was getting them. Sometimes it would be more than once a day. Against my better judgment I googled and found horror stories of course. I asked our OB during our appointment and he reassured me that all was well, this was actually a great sign and its very common. This made me feel so much better, but I still just feel the natural need to soothe and comfort her when she gets them. I am however so glad that she is progressing so well. I just know that Ill have more scares like this, and will probably overreact, and hope that I will always have the resources and family around me to bring me back to center.

We even found time to make some time to take maternity photos! We didn't take photos like this with Liam, mostly because the typical "maternity shoot" style of photos Im not a big fan of, But after having Liam, I did regret not taking any. I wanted to make sure I did for this pregnancy. My sister was gracious enough to capture some of the most amazing moments for us. She was able to incorporate everything we wanted - everything centered around Quinn of course,  Liam, our pups, this rainbow pregnancy and more.

My birthday was on Easter this year. This was also such a nice time for us. Justin woke me up to a Easter egg hunt throughout the house with the eggs that we dyed the night before. Then he made me breakfast, and we enjoyed the weather and some errands. We had Coldstone Ice Cream for lunch (since my appetite is usually gone by the normal time to eat dessert) and we spent the evening with family for Easter. Quinn decided to be super interactive with everyone that day too. She let everyone feel her moving around, and even played with a flashlight in front of them all. I feel so close to her personality already. This is just such a beautiful time during pregnancy, and Im just so grateful of every moment of it.

April has brought so many good times and blessings to us! Now we await the weekend to celebrate our little girl!! Thank you all for your continued love and support! We love you all!

A letter to Liam James: Year Three

Oh my sweet, sweet boy. I wonder if you know how often you are in my thoughts... I feel that you watch over us, and know our every day, but I wonder if you know our hearts and thoughts. Certain things remind me of you more specifically. Certain situations remind me of where I wish you could be. Quiet moments at home with just me and your Daddy become deafening with the chaos that should be there. Holidays come and go. Even with all the joy and memories they make, there is always an ache of what is missing.

The last few years have consisted of a lot of learning, forgiving, and growth for your Daddy and me. We have tried as well as we know how to honor you, your memories and your life. There has been so much good done in your name from family and friends. You have left such an impact on this world. Losing you has changed the outlook that we will forever have on the world and life itself. There were very many dark times but there were also many triumphs.


You would be turning three today.
I would have known your personality, your likes and dislikes as they all would have been very clear by now. You would be running and playing and already taking interests in specific things, changing, and learning. You would be talking. We wonder what your voice would have sounded like, or the cute things you would say while trying to explain or annunciate certain things. We would be watching you grow and soak up knowledge like a sponge. It would astound us. Our lives would be so different. My heart always aches for that. We wanted that more than we could ever explain, with you - We wanted YOU. We wanted so many things for you. Not seeing those things through feels like a failure on my part. Because I wouldn't want you to ever miss out on anything. We wanted to give you the world, but you were not to spend much time in our world. We miss you baby boy, I miss you.


Your Daddy and I wanted to have a few children. One of our favorite things about you, was that you were our first, and thinking of the big brother you would some day be. Now that things are different, and how they are today, we still think of you as the big brother, just in a different way. We loved the idea of you picking out and sending a sibling to us. To watch over them as their own guardian angel. Getting this far in continuing to grow our family was a very long and hard journey. As we get closer and closer to the end of this rainbow pregnancy, I cant help but be so conflicted with emotions. I want you here with us, and her so badly. I know she will be so different from you, but I cant help to always compare you both already. It makes me feel as if you are here and that by comparing and noticing your similarities and differences, it somehow brings you both together. I want her to know you too. I'm not sure how or when, but I picture reading your books to her, sharing your scrapbook and memories with her, page by page. She'll have your picture in her room, which was also your room. She'll wear your clothes, and use your things, in your footsteps, as a sibling. She will know you, and you her.


I wish you were here for her, but I also wish you were here for us. You are loved by SO many. You will always be what's missing. I hope my heart is big enough for all the joy and good times to come. I hope that I can find how to embrace them with you in my heart too, without breaking down in grief, but to be thankful for all of it. I hope I can be more grateful for everything instead of yearning for what I wanted to be. I want to make you proud, share and express my love for you, and feel you with me in those moments, instead of focusing on the fact that you're not physically there. I'm not sure how to do it little man, but I promise Ill do my best. I know you're in this with us, you're everywhere.


I hope you're happy, warm, and taken care of. I hope Cassius is with you, keeping you company. I don't know how all these things work, but little things like a boy and his dog being together sure helps comfort a long distance Mom and Dad. We hope you continue to shine bright in all the skies. Happiest 3rd birthday sweet boy. You'll always have the biggest place in all our hearts.  We love you so, so much.

Liam's Upcoming 2nd Birthday Anniversary

In the past, we have done balloon releases for Liam. As beautiful and healing at these are to watch, I can’t help but feel guilty for polluting our world and putting animals at risk to benefit ourselves, especially knowing that it was on behalf of our son. This year, I would like to do something different. So many of you want to remember and celebrate the day of Liam’s birth (March 25th). Justin and I don’t want to do a party, cake, singing, etc. We tend to celebrate this day in a different way, together. However, for everyone who’s thoughts are always with us, always caring, and searching for their own way to heal or recognize the birth of our handsome little guy, I would love to offer some ideas. I have compiled a list of my favorite random acts of kindness and even added some of my own. For the month of March, if you would like to participate, do something remarkable in honor of Liam. Donate your time or used items to someone. Show kindness at a time you may have otherwise overlooked the opportunity to. Do an unsolicited good deed for someone else, just because. Do something that our community and environment will benefit from. Liam’s passing shattered, crushed, and destroyed so many things that I never even knew I had and was taking for granted. My innocence, hope, and faith to name a few. I know it rocked these things and more for so many others in his and our lives. Amongst all of the darkness, It would be so nice to bring so much light to the world from his remembrance. It would be so comforting and wonderful to know that Liam is the reason for such extra kindness in the world no matter how big or small the act is. I'm looking forward to seeing so much good come from his wonderful life. Lets be an example that tragedy does not only bring out the opportunity to be angry and harden. It can be a reason to be better, appreciate more, give more, forgive more, and love harder. Happy birthday month baby boy. ♥

The Love.

They say a picture is worth a million words. I couldn't agree more, but what I didn't expect is the flood of emotions that it can also be associated with one single photo. I've said it before, and Ill say it again, I'm beyond thankful for all the time I spent photographing little Liam James.


It feels like an eternity of standing still has passed by since the days that I had a newborn to have and hold. How quickly your life changes as you realize you have this teeny tiny perfect human to take care of, that's incapable of taking care of itself, and only wants your time, love, and care. Your previously peaceful existence is now filled with a constant need to ensure everything is done for this child. When he sleeps, you barely sleep. When he's away you swoon and concern yourself with his every move and sound questioning if he's okay or trying to decipher what he wants. Not to mention the hours that you get lost in just staring at their miraculous perfection. I was so scared of forgetting  what that would feel like. I expected to have additional children by this time to help me remember.

When I look back at pictures like this, It all just hits me again. We only had a month at home together, but that month was so fulfilling. I remember waking up in panics just wanting to make sure he was still here with us, breathing. I remember rocking him asleep as he would rebelliously look around his room while exploring his own fingers, wiggling them, intertwining them.  I remember just watching in awe and pulling him closer just to smell him more. I remember his warmth. I remember how he fit so perfectly in my arms. I remember the satisfaction of successful feedings. I was so happy to nourish him, and he enjoyed it so much. This little babe, only wanting milk and to be held. So simple. 


I remember the feeling of having so much love in my heart. Its such a different kind of love. You have love from your parents, family, and friends. They care for you; make you feel loved. You have a type of love from your significant other. That's a love that is valued differently because they have a choice to choose to love you without any obligations. Its a sacred, respectful, honored love.  You even have a special type of love from a pet. It may seem silly if you don't have a pet, but believe me, this is a need to feel needed type of love. Your pets love you unconditionally. They don't know any better, they just love, and you're their human, receiver of their love. The love from a child, is different than all of these.  You are the entire world to a child. They have known, trusted and loved you since before they were born. When they are born you are "home" to them. The rhythm of your heart soothes them. The sound of your voice reassures them. They look for you first when they wake up and greet you with the most innocent happy smile when they see you because you're their parent. That is a strong powerful pure type of love. I truly don't think you could imagine it without actually feeling it from a child.


That is what I miss. I miss his love. I miss feeling so loved from such a tiny beautiful person simply because I was his mom. Its indescribable. I can spend all the time in the world with my nephews and nieces, and they love me too, and I share special feelings and time with them. But at the end of the day, they too, just want their mom. That's when I'm reminded that, that's not me. And I envy the love that those Mom's feel from their children. I wanted to be that mom for Liam - forever. A picture like the one above, my life was complete. My heart was full. I had my husband, my pets, and my son close to me. This was everything I'd ever wanted. Now its a memory. I'm blessed its a memory I've gotten to experience, and Ill cherish forever.

Holidays 2015

Last year we avoided holidays like a plague. This year we participated head on. Everything went much better than I anticipated.

Ill be honest and blunt - It was painful. But I believe at a certain level it should be. The pain doesn't take away the happy, its just there with it. The weather was cooling, the leaves continued falling,  & I busied myself crafting gifts for my nieces and nephews. Especially with all of the burdens and costs of IVF we didn't participate in any gifts this year with the exception of two very inexpensive dirty Santas. I was doing fine. We decorated our house. We turned our lights on almost every night. We put up and dressed our tree. My husband, the amazing man he is, got me a coffee cup and gingerbread house to decorate (Im a coffee freak, and have never made a gingerbread house before [healthy distractions!]) early in December. We had the empty bag from those gifts under the tree so it wasn't so naked and sad. We hung our stockings, and got our puppies some new toys. I baked up a storm of cookies and treats for family and friends including some homemade cinnamon rolls with my sister. I made homemade chicken and dumplins for Christmas Eve Dinner. We made rounds to visit our four families (both our families are divorced and all live in Vegas with us). It was all very very nice. The hard parts were coming alone, just the two of us, when there should be an almost two year old running around with us, finally old enough to get excited for gifts. Another hard part was watching my nieces and nephews open their gifts from their amazing loving families and just wishing we were watching Liam do the same. Christmas morning was difficult. It was quiet. We slept in. We had coffee. We got ready for another day of visits. We came home, and the holiday was over. It was almost harder after it was over. We did it. We faced it. We were happy. But now it was over and somehow it still felt as if we just missed the whole thing, but really, I feel that Liam missed everything. I enjoyed all my time with all my family. My heart just aches missing our boy. But, of course I miss him. Of course I wish him here with us. But I was comforted in a lot of unexpected ways.



We did things for Liam on our own that made us feel better too. I made an ornament for our tree filled with his superman colors, one of his socks he wore, and mini photos of him. Its not a finished product yet, but it made be feel so much better seeing a piece of him on our tree. We also went to his memorial tree that was planted by our loved ones at one of our favorite parks (Angel Park where we took him a few times while he was with us). We were so happy and proud to see how much it had grown in just a year. We were able to place a special ornament for him there too.


Liam is everywhere with us. He is everywhere with our family and loved ones. His love and presence is strong. Our version of a new normal is becoming more normal. I'm so thankful for the peace that Ive found amidst of this loss. Im glad that Im not hardened by all of our losses. Im happy that I feel so comforted by our little boy so often. Its the next best thing since we cant have him here with us.

The Nursery

In 2010 we bought our three bedroom house. The plan was to fill it up with a family. Remodeling our small spare room was something that we looked forward to ever since we tried to get pregnant. The planning for it, themes to choose from and general idea of it all sent me swooning. A project that we got to work on together, to build a nursery, it was amazing.

                                    

We chose a superhero theme for our anticipated little boy. This was in 2013 BEFORE it was trending everywhere. There was maybe one person that had done it before that inspired me of the idea. It was so hard to find anything that was baby friendly and had superheroes. We painted the walls, assembled the crib and dresser/changing table, and positioned the rocking chair, shelves, and diaper genie how we wanted it. The nursery was perfect.
                                          
                                           
                                           
While Liam was stuck in the NICU, we wanted nothing more than to just have him home with us. He should be comforted in his home, in his own room we made for him. When that day finally came, after a month in the NICU, it was such a glorious time. I remember thinking what an obstacle we overcame and how thankful we were to have him home and thriving. The NICU repeatedly told us that this will all one day be a small bump in the road that you'll just have to look back on one day. We were so happy that we were at the "looking back" place. Little did anyone expect the alternative.
             
Liam was distracted and awed by all of the popping colors in his room. The walls were a dark blue and gray color. We added his name to the walls from wooden letters covered in comic book pages. The other wall had 12x12 superhero emblems that were also very bright in color. His bed set was ordered on ETSY and was bright yellow, red and blue with marvel fabric bumpers and skirt. I loved watching him look at it all. I loved seeing him in his crib.

Liam's nursery is still intact. Its one of the brightest rooms in the house due to how the windows are facing. I know facing what to do with the nursery is different for all mothers of loss. For me, its my almost safe place. It just feels peaceful in there. I know if we are blessed with more children, his room will be changed to accommodate them. In the meantime, I just don't see a reason to change it. We don't need the room for anything else. It was always meant to be a nursery. Its comforting in there. Some of his things are boxed up ready for storage one day. The same stack of diapers that were in his basket on his last day remain on his changing table along with the same box of wipes (most likely dried up by now) that we were using. I haven't touched or washed his crib sheets. His clothes are still organized by size in his dresser. His jackets and shoes are in his closet.  I still use his blanket I made him on special days. We spent time on that blanket during the nights he wouldn't sleep. All of his memories come swarming back to me in there, in the best ways.
                                                                    

My puppies (not actual puppies by the way, they are both full grown... I just cant bring my self to call them "dogs" for some reason) LOVE his room. They'd lay in there all day if I let them. Its like they know. I remember feeling so sad for them going through all of this too. Watching me get big, then disappearing for days, then rarely ever home because we were constantly at the NICU, then we bring this BABY home! They were so confused and interested in him but careful at the same time. It was lovely. When he left us, I'm not sure what the dogs thought of that. I know they watched us grieve and change. There was a while where they barely got out for our usual walks and hikes. Now I think they are used to how things are again. I just cant help but think about how all of this confused and affected them as well.
                                           
In the future, I'm not sure what we will do. I know eventually I will have to go through things, throw out expired things, and figure out what to do with all of his stuff. I'd like to pass a lot of it down to future babies, but I'd like to save a lot of it for him too. I know we wont use a superhero theme again, because to us, that was HIS. Its bittersweet that its so popular now. We see things constantly that would have been great additions to his room, or would have made great toys for him. Superman specifically symbolizes our memory of him. We did a photo shoot with him, his letter "L" and a small superman cape that came with one of his jackets or onsies. We didn't know then how powerful that would later become for us. Liam James, will forever be our little Superman.

                                         

#SelfieSession

This is my absolute favorite photo I have with my son. I felt a little obsessive with how much I had a camera around Liam. I really couldnt help myself. I wanted to capture and remember EVERYTHING. Obviously now Im more thankful for that than I ever would have imagined.

I always wanted that token "beautiful mother and child" photo. One that wasnt about the outside of the people in the picture, or about the outfit, or make up, drool, or perfect expression. I wanted the one that you could look at for a second and just see beauty, feel the love, and remember the moment in time for everything it was. To me, this is that photo, and what it took to get that photo.

We were on our regular place on the couch, and most likely just finished one of his feedings since he was still awake and not screaming for milk. As you can see, it took a lot of tries to get the picture I wanted. Of course, it didnt actually fill his attention span.. He was bored, unimpressed, yawned, and ended up passing out in my arms. But - Alas - I did get the one moment he did look up to my eyes which resulted in a perfect moment and one of my altime absolute favorite pictures.