The Love.

They say a picture is worth a million words. I couldn't agree more, but what I didn't expect is the flood of emotions that it can also be associated with one single photo. I've said it before, and Ill say it again, I'm beyond thankful for all the time I spent photographing little Liam James.


It feels like an eternity of standing still has passed by since the days that I had a newborn to have and hold. How quickly your life changes as you realize you have this teeny tiny perfect human to take care of, that's incapable of taking care of itself, and only wants your time, love, and care. Your previously peaceful existence is now filled with a constant need to ensure everything is done for this child. When he sleeps, you barely sleep. When he's away you swoon and concern yourself with his every move and sound questioning if he's okay or trying to decipher what he wants. Not to mention the hours that you get lost in just staring at their miraculous perfection. I was so scared of forgetting  what that would feel like. I expected to have additional children by this time to help me remember.

When I look back at pictures like this, It all just hits me again. We only had a month at home together, but that month was so fulfilling. I remember waking up in panics just wanting to make sure he was still here with us, breathing. I remember rocking him asleep as he would rebelliously look around his room while exploring his own fingers, wiggling them, intertwining them.  I remember just watching in awe and pulling him closer just to smell him more. I remember his warmth. I remember how he fit so perfectly in my arms. I remember the satisfaction of successful feedings. I was so happy to nourish him, and he enjoyed it so much. This little babe, only wanting milk and to be held. So simple. 


I remember the feeling of having so much love in my heart. Its such a different kind of love. You have love from your parents, family, and friends. They care for you; make you feel loved. You have a type of love from your significant other. That's a love that is valued differently because they have a choice to choose to love you without any obligations. Its a sacred, respectful, honored love.  You even have a special type of love from a pet. It may seem silly if you don't have a pet, but believe me, this is a need to feel needed type of love. Your pets love you unconditionally. They don't know any better, they just love, and you're their human, receiver of their love. The love from a child, is different than all of these.  You are the entire world to a child. They have known, trusted and loved you since before they were born. When they are born you are "home" to them. The rhythm of your heart soothes them. The sound of your voice reassures them. They look for you first when they wake up and greet you with the most innocent happy smile when they see you because you're their parent. That is a strong powerful pure type of love. I truly don't think you could imagine it without actually feeling it from a child.


That is what I miss. I miss his love. I miss feeling so loved from such a tiny beautiful person simply because I was his mom. Its indescribable. I can spend all the time in the world with my nephews and nieces, and they love me too, and I share special feelings and time with them. But at the end of the day, they too, just want their mom. That's when I'm reminded that, that's not me. And I envy the love that those Mom's feel from their children. I wanted to be that mom for Liam - forever. A picture like the one above, my life was complete. My heart was full. I had my husband, my pets, and my son close to me. This was everything I'd ever wanted. Now its a memory. I'm blessed its a memory I've gotten to experience, and Ill cherish forever.

The First Birthday

"One year ago today I gave birth to" is such a common start for most moms to boast about on their child's first birthday. Its usually followed by "I cant believe how fast it went by" and "where has the time gone" and hits on the most memorable milestones and heartfelt memories that took place in the past year. I've said it a million times, but oh the plans I had for this first year. His first birthday would have most definitely been a Disney or Superhero one. I would have wasted so much time on all of the meaningless details to make it as colorful and fun and loud as it could have been. I would have mailed handmade invitations, hosted little ball pits for all of the babies there, and had the best messiest cake I could have found for him to make a mess of. These are just a few of the visions I had.


Instead I'm blissfully reflecting on the fact that an entire year ago, I gave birth to my son. I woke up that morning, let my boss know that I would be working from home because I was not feeling well. I actually was just having cramps but they were painful and I didn't want to drive across town. Little did I know that these cramps were contractions and that I would be meeting our little man in just a matter of hours a month just short of a month before he was due. One year ago today Liam James Schlosser was born.

In the first few months after his passing, it was hard to be around other newborns or even pregnant women in general. It was hard to hear a newborn cry. After time, this eased. Its still a soft spot that I usually have to mentally prepare for but it has gotten easier, and its actually very comforting at times. I have watched my friends and family's babies grow. I have watched my own nephews grow. Grow past the infant stage, start eating solid food, crawl, smile, babble and was followed by their first words, first steps and more. Grow to throwing and catching balls, riding bikes, and talking back! I have watched my nieces grow in school, grow taller, pursue drawing and other talents they have. Not to mention all of my cousins that I have watched grow. I always wondered what Liam would have been doing. I wonder how he would have been interacting with all these other children that he should have grown up with. I'm not sure at which point I stopped imagining him growing. Suddenly, it was toddlers that were hard to look at, hard to hear, and hard to be around. I didn't expect it but it hurts more not just not knowing what he would be doing, but not even being able to envision what he would look like. I feel like all his memories were just frozen in time and he's just this little two month old baby forever. I was still thinking of him this way for months. Maybe I will forever. I just cant believe he would have been a year today. I wonder what he would look like. I wonder what his favorite toys would be. I wonder where we would be as a family. I wonder what mistakes we would have made. I wonder what would have been our favorite parts. Or the hardest. I wonder how we would have made things work.


Its almost like I'm missing him from the very beginning all over again erasing all of the progress I have made with my grief over the months. Almost every part of it hurts all over again. Every part of him, missing him and the thought of him. I know this has to be normal, I know I will be okay. I know Ill get through this. I know Liam's looking down at all of the remembrances that are being done in his honor today and will smile knowing how many are thinking of him. I know he's in the most beautiful place in existence. I'm positive that he is pain free, healthy, and happy. I'm happy for that. Its just the never-ending missing him. It's just sad. It just hurts. Today will forever be an especially hard day each year. I accept it.


I think this first year sets the bar for the hardest of hard years. Justin and I survived hand in hand, stronger, more patient, and understanding than we have ever been.  I want to continue to rebuild myself and heal. I want to continue to grow and find ways to embrace and remember Liam in the most positive ways possible. I want to be the best person I can be for him. I want to do wonderful things in his name. I just hope he continues to hold my soul extra close to his.

Happy Birthday little baby boy. I hope you know how much you are loved by so many. I hope you know the influence you left on this world. I hope you continue to find ways to inspire all of those who knew you and those who were touched by your story. I hope you enjoy your balloons. We love you punkin pie. Happy 1st Birthday. 

Disneyland

I Love Disney. I know its cliché. I know its insignificant. I know its childish. (In my opinion we could all stand to be a bit more like children sometimes) But I do. I love it. Justin took me to Disneyland for the very first time in my whole life. I know some people automatically think about crowds, and lines, and sticky fingers, but I think about adventures, rides, a happy atmosphere, and churros! I love it. I meet the characters, watch the parades & fireworks, go on all the rides, and soak it all up. Every time. Justin and I have been there at LEAST 20 times in the last 10 years. I LOVED watching all the kids, and making funny faces at the babies in line. The ones that were too little to know what was going on but were there anyways. I couldn’t wait to start my own family and bring them on their first trip of many to Disneyland.

We even took a trip while I was pregnant with Liam. We only did the small rides that were slow and didn’t drop or jerk, but we just strolled along taking pictures of my belly and talking about all of the "firsts" we would do with Liam. I believe we even bickered about how soon we could take him. I said seven months, and eventually, Justin agreed. We even bought one of his first toys there. It was a small plush animal of Zero the ghost dog from Nightmare before Christmas. We kept him in the nursery waiting his arrival, we have a video of us first showing the toy to Liam when he finally came home, and he is still with him now.

After we lost Liam, as petty as it may sound to some, I didn’t want to go back to Disneyland. It was too sad. Its supposed to be the happiest place on earth and I couldn’t go and watch everyone else’s happiness all around me while it was once again, just me and Justin. I didn’t want to face all of the beaming parents showing their babies mickey mouse for the first time and taking the first picture. Or watching a toddler wobble around the cobblestone. I didn’t want to see the frustrated mom who couldn’t get through the crowds with her stroller. I would LOVE to be even pushing a stroller! Instead, ours is at home, in my office collecting dust. Among other things, this was very sensitive to me especially during the time we were doing genetic testing and were stuck in a limbo of waiting on answers and not even able to try for another child yet. Though it wouldn’t ease the pain of not having Liam there, it would at least a step towards the hope of having children to bring eventually.

 

We returned to Disneyland on Valentine’s Day weekend. Just the two of us. We were finally in a better place to be able to face most of these things. It wasn’t overwhelming or unbearable. It was a little empty and sad. I remember seeing teenagers laughing so innocently and being envious of them. It was fun to be there but not as fun as it was before when I was oblivious to all the bad things in life. Maybe not oblivious but not directly affected.  I won’t deny that there was a difference, But it is still a magical inspiring place to me.


      

 

We wrote a note to Liam, bought a blue Mickey balloon (that would have bought for him anyways.... He would have been at the age to LOVE balloons.) tied a red and yellow balloon to it for his little superhero colors and carried it around Fantasyland for a bit. We took some photos and finally released them. The sky was so big and clear that day. His balloon rose so high. It seemed to freeze time and last forever. It was a wonderful way for us to incorporate him into what should have been his first trip. It was also a release of one more weight that grief no longer holds over our head.

#SelfieSession

This is my absolute favorite photo I have with my son. I felt a little obsessive with how much I had a camera around Liam. I really couldnt help myself. I wanted to capture and remember EVERYTHING. Obviously now Im more thankful for that than I ever would have imagined.

I always wanted that token "beautiful mother and child" photo. One that wasnt about the outside of the people in the picture, or about the outfit, or make up, drool, or perfect expression. I wanted the one that you could look at for a second and just see beauty, feel the love, and remember the moment in time for everything it was. To me, this is that photo, and what it took to get that photo.

We were on our regular place on the couch, and most likely just finished one of his feedings since he was still awake and not screaming for milk. As you can see, it took a lot of tries to get the picture I wanted. Of course, it didnt actually fill his attention span.. He was bored, unimpressed, yawned, and ended up passing out in my arms. But - Alas - I did get the one moment he did look up to my eyes which resulted in a perfect moment and one of my altime absolute favorite pictures.