The Separation

Its odd... After so much time going by, its hard to determine what feelings are pulling from grief, which are pulling from desire, and which are normal insecure confusing feelings of where you are in life at your perspective age compared to where you wanted to be or thought you would be. Its hard to know who you would be if you didn't suffer such a tragic loss. I think its important to let that wonder go, because you can never undo the changes that occurred because of it. You have to accept you will never be that person. You will never have that innocence back. Focusing on who you are now is the only way to grow and move forward. Ive being trying to do that. Hard.

I haven't been able to write for awhile. Even this piece Ive worked on for over a week. Well, I take that back, I have written a lot, but its not anything I'd want to share because its unfinished, unresolved, and mostly depressing and bitter. I know those things are okay to feel and express, and I'm not ashamed of them, but its been a very long time of feeling this way. I feel I should be stronger by now. When I continued to open up and share these things, it started to make me feel more pitty for myself instead of being healing for me. I never imagined for this road to be so long and filled with so much constant up and down, rebuilding, and let down. I know Ive learned a lot, and theres so much good to come, but it still discouraging... Especially when you try to be hopeful for everyone else too, everyone else is rooting for you, and you feel like you let all of them down too.

Lately I have felt detached. I talk to my family and friends and find myself picturing their lives, their day to day. I think of the priorities they made and their families, their sacrifices. I think of the difference they must feel to come home and make dinner for not just themselves or themselves and their spouse, but for their family, for their kids. I think about things like the laundry that they have to do for their entire family. All the separate loads and sorting, folding, and putting away. I think of all the dishes and cleaning they must do. I think of how tired they must be at the end of their long but fulfilling days. I think of what their weekends may be like, waking up to make breakfast and spending the day together. The little things, the simple things.  I realize this is just my version of the "family dream". I know its so hard, and so much work. I know its not all just happy hallmark moments. I probably obsess over wondering about it more that I should because its been something we have worked towards and wanted for so long, and with every piece of my self I feel that's where we should be, I just feel incomplete without it.  It just makes me feel isolated, because Im still just here, doing laundry once every few weeks, meal prepping for the two of us, cleaning when its needed and not because I have a toddler wreaking havoc. I should appreciate trivial things being so easy, but the emptiness of it makes it bitter. I love having a full house and friends and family and their kiddos to play with, but when the house is its back to its silence, its hard.

Recently, I've stopped following Facebook. In the beginning I wanted to face everything so I wouldn't be caught off guard with news or announcements that could hurt me. Some things would still hurt but I could face it on my own and have a brave face when I had to. This was fine for a long time. I just didn't expect this journey to be so long. I didn't account for the affect that it had day after day, week after week, month after month, season after season, - year after year. I found myself becoming more and more irritable. I was lashing out and yelling for the smallest reasons. I was angry so often, frustrated, and had this feeling that I wasn't able to catch up. I noticed that all of a sudden I was feeling inadequate about other things that I didn't before like my home, job, etc. It took me awhile to realize why. When I would look at my Facebook, it would be filled with some much love, accomplishments, happy family moments, and announcements. What a blessing right? All my beloved family and friends have so many good things to share and that warms my heart, it really does. However it turned into me surrounding myself with examples of things that I wanted so dearly and didn't have. Trips I wanted to take too but couldn't because every chunk of change we have is saved for IVF. The improvements and changes we want to make to the house (All the fun DIY stuff we love) was also on hold due to funds. More and more of my friends were announcing pregnancies, which I was used to, but what began to wear on me was not only their pregnancy announcements, but to watch them go along to share birth announcements, happy birth stories, first holidays, first birthdays, and second pregnancies. It turned into too much. A pregnancy announcement I was used to. But when I saw a first birthday or second pregnancy he got heavier. It just reminded me that in the time that its still taking me trying so hard to help make IVF work others have went on to have two full pregnancies, celebrating first birthdays, etc. It made me feel like I lost so much time, that I was failing, that I wasn't any closer today than I was over a year ago to even have a thriving pregnancy. Its not to say I wasn't happy for everyone, there's no words that describe the love and happiness I have for the others that I see appreciating and loving all the positive and accomplishments in their lives. Its the dream! The dream Ive had for so long. It just hard to be surrounded by it all, all the time, while wanting it so badly. I noticed that it made me feel bad about myself, sad, empty, and pressured. I was trying to focus on us and what we did have, focus on our situation, in our own time while surrounding myself with everything we want and didn't have. It was self destructive and counter productive. Its not that I need to shelter myself from the world, but I needed to stop scrolling through it all every few hours. Since I stopped following Facebook, my days have been lighter. I have been able to see and appreciate more of what Justin and I have, without the pressured comparison feeling. It makes my world smaller, focused more on myself, Justin and our pups, easier to cope and deal with. It been a lot happier for us, cleansing, peaceful.

Our situation has just been hard. I question who I am, what's right, how to have faith. I struggle with perspectives on things. I feel that I constantly fight to find the right one and have to force myself to believe in it. Every day is a fight. Some are lost to depression and anger. Some I feel so fulfilled with all the love in my life and I feel like I am good, that I understand life and have a grip on everything. I just feel like I've been trying so hard and fighting for so long. I always thought it would be worth it. Each time we had a positive pregnancy test, genetic test, IVF transfer I try to keep myself positive and hopeful. Fighting against every doubt that comes up, every bad sign. Meanwhile others are telling me how sure they are that it will work, and even though I want to believe them, my first thought is frustration because no one has the power to assume such certainty such things. I cant tell you how many people just "knew" we would be pregnant "that" time and was wrong. I know that they just wanted it so badly for us. I know all the intent was good. It just hurts. I'm left feeling like a fool for believing in something so much for it to just fail. I feel guilty like for some reason its my fault, or our fate is deserved for some reason and we just don't know why. Each time, its so hard to build up that faith and hope again. But each time we somehow do.

I don't know what mind frame to be in for this next transfer. There have been a few changes in my protocol and in the transfer details. I feel really hopeful again, because I guess I just don't know how to be anything else. In just a short week, we will hopefully be transferring again. Another clean slate, another try, another possible new beginning. Wish us luck and sticky baby dust.

Some Truth About IVF

 

"Playing God is never good"   •   "Test tube babies"   •   "Too lazy to have sex"   •   "The earth isn't over populated enough"   •   "Why do people want to procreate that badly"   •   "23 is so young to be infertile"   •   "That's mother natures way of saying 'no'"    •   "Stop being selfish and adopt maybe"

 

When people hear the term "IVF" it could go a few different ways. Some know about in vitro fertilization from having experienced the process themselves. Some will refer to their story of a family member/friend/acquaintance that had used the method. Some briefly know the basics of the process and some are completely against it.


Before IVF became the method for my husband and I to use, I knew little about it: It was a method to get pregnant. It involved needles, sperm, eggs, a dish, a whole lotta cash and consisted of the woman being artificially inseminated. That was about it. I didn't really have a stance on it, I didn't think I would ever go through it. I knew some used IVF to solely select gender and I wasn't a fan of that, But that was really as far as I thought about it.

As many of you know, I'm currently in my second round of IVF (round one was unsuccessful). I've seen some articles trending about IVF successes and how more and more women are choosing to not be so silent about their journeys of IVF, infertility, and more.  The comments like the ones above are from articles about IVF and IVF success stories like the ones trending online with the newborn laying in a heart shaped consolidation of the injections and medications that were used to help them conceive via IVF. Some are happy and supportive while others are outraged. Recently I've become more and more aware of the "trolling" comments being left on these articles. Id LOVE the chance to share just a bit of insight to some of these misconceptions, rash judgments and pure ignorance.

1. IVF is used for SO many different reasons.
I cant speak for everyone, But I for one am NOT trying to make a "super baby" by hand picking the strongest DNA to have the fastest smartest child at the gender I so choose. I actually had a super baby. He was born naturally, perfectly healthy and beautiful in Spring of 2014. That was until a long spiral of unexpected events finally led to his passing away, unexpectedly in an ER surrounded by us and devastated helpless medical staff. His full story can be found here. We learned abruptly that we were both genetic carriers for a very rare usually fatal disorder. After another long series of unfortunate events, we chose to try IVF with PGD not for "selfish" reasons, but to have a child who wouldn't be in pain, and could live for longer than 65 short days. This is the case for many others. Many genetic disorders can be prevented by PDG while undergoing IVF. Other common reasons that IVF is used is Infertility, Fallopian tube damage or blockage, Ovulation disorders, Premature ovarian failure, Endometriosis, Uterine fibroids, Impaired sperm production or function, Unexplained infertility, Fertility preservation for cancer or other health conditions, etc.  Some people see infertility and reasons causing infertility lightly, but there are so many depths of pain and suffering that comes with it. There's really not a need for me to list every single cause that leads to perusing IVF. Just like there isn't a need to assume everyone is undergoing IVF for selfish reasons. You don't have to understand it to be kind.


2. Infertility Myths
This can happen at anytime, to any man or woman. Infertility doesn't see age or sex. Some couples are older in age when they find their partner to begin a family. Some realize only then that they are infertile. Quickly, time becomes a HUGE factor. Waiting and trying to conceive naturally for 2 years to then go see a specialist and begin IVF in hopes to be pregnant IF its successful the first round within an additional year... This time adds up fast. Its different for everyone. Infertility isn't due do a lack of trying.  Its nothing that is done incorrectly. Its not "giving up" after a few months. There are so many layers to it. Please stop disrespecting these women with blunt assumptions fueled by a lack of understanding and compassion for something that you would truly need to experience to understand.


3. Adoption
If I had a nickel for every time the miraculous obvious solution of "just adopting" was placed at my feet I could almost afford an entire round of IVF w/PGD, or even a full adoption in itself. I am completely on board with adoption. I believe it is a miraculous and very open hearted process and brings so much happiness to the world. I think it is so wonderful. I personally have not ruled out adoption. Just because a person chooses to try IVF for their chance at experiencing pregnancy and growing their family does not mean they will not later choose to adopt. Key word - CHOOSE. The sky is supposed to be blue, the grass - green, the sun - hot. Female cows produce milk, chickens - eggs.... See where Im going with this? Women were created to procreate, our bodies to create and support life. Its been embedded in our lives as soon as we start playing with dolls or observing how the world works. We are supposed to grow up and WE get to make families. Those of us that cannot, are ripped apart by this ability and choice being stolen from us. It should never be a choice for anyone else to take away. The fact that we have a way to try if we choose to is ours. It is not selfish to want to experience pregnancy grow inside you or to birth a child. Or to want to see your features and your husbands in them as they grow. Is passing on your own DNA 100% needed to complete a family? No. There are many ways to do this, and adoption is absolutely one of those wonderful beautiful ways. However, it is not anyone else's choice to make. Trying IVF shouldn't be shamed, and it shouldn't be labeled as selfish. We feel bad enough about our inadequacies. Believe me. Women who choose to sacrifice everything in hopes to bring new LIFE in to the world isn't the problem. Especially when those lives are SO so wanted.


4. Mother Nature and Playing God
Ill be completely upfront. After seeing what I've seen and the road I've traveled its safe to say that my faith has been rocky. I'm currently seeking God and trying to interpret his word for myself.  So please bear with my ignorance.  First, how could anyone assume that "mother nature" just up and decided "nah, not that one, she shouldn't be able to conceive" or is playing "duck, duck, infertile" with the population. Not to mention, "mother nature" is a personification, abstract, theoretical icon like "Father Time". As for the religion side of things, I can see how this can be interpreted in different ways. I refuse to debate but in my opinion I still truly believe a few things as it applies to my  specific situation. I do not believe that IVF means trying to "play God." I'm truly sorry for those that see it that way. I shouldn't have to say it, but of course, it hurts when people imply that God did this to me like a curse or an execution of his plan and I should just accept it. I don't believe that God did this to me. I believe in free will and that some things simply happen. We are only human. I still believe that if we are meant to have and carry another biological child then we will. If not, then we can visit the idea of adoption or adjust the expectations of our lives. I did however miss the part where it was opened up for judgment from everyone else.


5. Lets talk about sex...
You know, I do think that IVF will ultimately replace the act of intercourse. Absolutely. I mean people obviously ONLY endure it now to specifically procreate and those of us going through the thrill seeking adventure of IVF are way to lazy to partake in the act our selves. [biggest eye roll] Comments like this are just too ridiculous to entertain. In all seriousness, for some people the fact that a pregnancy could result from making love is one of the most beautiful things in the world. When that beautiful part is also taken out of such a meaningful act, it too hurts us. Intimacy at all is harder during this process because of all the restrictions and changes that your body goes through. Its another constant reminder of what we cannot do naturally. I truly wish it were as easy as just "having sex".


Each part of IVF is hard - the decision in its self, the cost, the risks, the success rates, the toll it has on a relationship, the roller coaster of hormone caused emotions, the injections, the procedures, the contracts that make you question things you never thought of before when it comes to what to do with your embryos, the waiting, the hoping, the physical toll your body takes from it, and so so so much more. If you're a fellow IVFer, my heart goes out to you. If you're not, I hope you never have to. Regardless, I wish there was more information that went "viral" about the truths of IVF and not the superficial test tube baby side of it. Even news stations and websites use degrading titles and headlines that set the wrong perception. It just adds fuel to the fire for conspiracy. Yes I understand the unethical way IVF could be used, No I don't agree with it all. People are so quick to have a firm stance on everything and feel overly entitled to use their freedom of speech to spew their opinions on to everyone. I'm not saying there's a right or wrong. I think you should absolutely do a little research and form an educated, well rounded opinion before feeling so strongly about something especially if it doesn't pertain to you or if you've never had to go through any of it yourself. IVF as it applies to the women that are simply trying to get pregnant and have a family - let us be. Just be happy for us, or at the least, kind - or respectfully  quiet.

The Love.

They say a picture is worth a million words. I couldn't agree more, but what I didn't expect is the flood of emotions that it can also be associated with one single photo. I've said it before, and Ill say it again, I'm beyond thankful for all the time I spent photographing little Liam James.


It feels like an eternity of standing still has passed by since the days that I had a newborn to have and hold. How quickly your life changes as you realize you have this teeny tiny perfect human to take care of, that's incapable of taking care of itself, and only wants your time, love, and care. Your previously peaceful existence is now filled with a constant need to ensure everything is done for this child. When he sleeps, you barely sleep. When he's away you swoon and concern yourself with his every move and sound questioning if he's okay or trying to decipher what he wants. Not to mention the hours that you get lost in just staring at their miraculous perfection. I was so scared of forgetting  what that would feel like. I expected to have additional children by this time to help me remember.

When I look back at pictures like this, It all just hits me again. We only had a month at home together, but that month was so fulfilling. I remember waking up in panics just wanting to make sure he was still here with us, breathing. I remember rocking him asleep as he would rebelliously look around his room while exploring his own fingers, wiggling them, intertwining them.  I remember just watching in awe and pulling him closer just to smell him more. I remember his warmth. I remember how he fit so perfectly in my arms. I remember the satisfaction of successful feedings. I was so happy to nourish him, and he enjoyed it so much. This little babe, only wanting milk and to be held. So simple. 


I remember the feeling of having so much love in my heart. Its such a different kind of love. You have love from your parents, family, and friends. They care for you; make you feel loved. You have a type of love from your significant other. That's a love that is valued differently because they have a choice to choose to love you without any obligations. Its a sacred, respectful, honored love.  You even have a special type of love from a pet. It may seem silly if you don't have a pet, but believe me, this is a need to feel needed type of love. Your pets love you unconditionally. They don't know any better, they just love, and you're their human, receiver of their love. The love from a child, is different than all of these.  You are the entire world to a child. They have known, trusted and loved you since before they were born. When they are born you are "home" to them. The rhythm of your heart soothes them. The sound of your voice reassures them. They look for you first when they wake up and greet you with the most innocent happy smile when they see you because you're their parent. That is a strong powerful pure type of love. I truly don't think you could imagine it without actually feeling it from a child.


That is what I miss. I miss his love. I miss feeling so loved from such a tiny beautiful person simply because I was his mom. Its indescribable. I can spend all the time in the world with my nephews and nieces, and they love me too, and I share special feelings and time with them. But at the end of the day, they too, just want their mom. That's when I'm reminded that, that's not me. And I envy the love that those Mom's feel from their children. I wanted to be that mom for Liam - forever. A picture like the one above, my life was complete. My heart was full. I had my husband, my pets, and my son close to me. This was everything I'd ever wanted. Now its a memory. I'm blessed its a memory I've gotten to experience, and Ill cherish forever.

Holidays 2015

Last year we avoided holidays like a plague. This year we participated head on. Everything went much better than I anticipated.

Ill be honest and blunt - It was painful. But I believe at a certain level it should be. The pain doesn't take away the happy, its just there with it. The weather was cooling, the leaves continued falling,  & I busied myself crafting gifts for my nieces and nephews. Especially with all of the burdens and costs of IVF we didn't participate in any gifts this year with the exception of two very inexpensive dirty Santas. I was doing fine. We decorated our house. We turned our lights on almost every night. We put up and dressed our tree. My husband, the amazing man he is, got me a coffee cup and gingerbread house to decorate (Im a coffee freak, and have never made a gingerbread house before [healthy distractions!]) early in December. We had the empty bag from those gifts under the tree so it wasn't so naked and sad. We hung our stockings, and got our puppies some new toys. I baked up a storm of cookies and treats for family and friends including some homemade cinnamon rolls with my sister. I made homemade chicken and dumplins for Christmas Eve Dinner. We made rounds to visit our four families (both our families are divorced and all live in Vegas with us). It was all very very nice. The hard parts were coming alone, just the two of us, when there should be an almost two year old running around with us, finally old enough to get excited for gifts. Another hard part was watching my nieces and nephews open their gifts from their amazing loving families and just wishing we were watching Liam do the same. Christmas morning was difficult. It was quiet. We slept in. We had coffee. We got ready for another day of visits. We came home, and the holiday was over. It was almost harder after it was over. We did it. We faced it. We were happy. But now it was over and somehow it still felt as if we just missed the whole thing, but really, I feel that Liam missed everything. I enjoyed all my time with all my family. My heart just aches missing our boy. But, of course I miss him. Of course I wish him here with us. But I was comforted in a lot of unexpected ways.



We did things for Liam on our own that made us feel better too. I made an ornament for our tree filled with his superman colors, one of his socks he wore, and mini photos of him. Its not a finished product yet, but it made be feel so much better seeing a piece of him on our tree. We also went to his memorial tree that was planted by our loved ones at one of our favorite parks (Angel Park where we took him a few times while he was with us). We were so happy and proud to see how much it had grown in just a year. We were able to place a special ornament for him there too.


Liam is everywhere with us. He is everywhere with our family and loved ones. His love and presence is strong. Our version of a new normal is becoming more normal. I'm so thankful for the peace that Ive found amidst of this loss. Im glad that Im not hardened by all of our losses. Im happy that I feel so comforted by our little boy so often. Its the next best thing since we cant have him here with us.

The Nursery

In 2010 we bought our three bedroom house. The plan was to fill it up with a family. Remodeling our small spare room was something that we looked forward to ever since we tried to get pregnant. The planning for it, themes to choose from and general idea of it all sent me swooning. A project that we got to work on together, to build a nursery, it was amazing.

                                    

We chose a superhero theme for our anticipated little boy. This was in 2013 BEFORE it was trending everywhere. There was maybe one person that had done it before that inspired me of the idea. It was so hard to find anything that was baby friendly and had superheroes. We painted the walls, assembled the crib and dresser/changing table, and positioned the rocking chair, shelves, and diaper genie how we wanted it. The nursery was perfect.
                                          
                                           
                                           
While Liam was stuck in the NICU, we wanted nothing more than to just have him home with us. He should be comforted in his home, in his own room we made for him. When that day finally came, after a month in the NICU, it was such a glorious time. I remember thinking what an obstacle we overcame and how thankful we were to have him home and thriving. The NICU repeatedly told us that this will all one day be a small bump in the road that you'll just have to look back on one day. We were so happy that we were at the "looking back" place. Little did anyone expect the alternative.
             
Liam was distracted and awed by all of the popping colors in his room. The walls were a dark blue and gray color. We added his name to the walls from wooden letters covered in comic book pages. The other wall had 12x12 superhero emblems that were also very bright in color. His bed set was ordered on ETSY and was bright yellow, red and blue with marvel fabric bumpers and skirt. I loved watching him look at it all. I loved seeing him in his crib.

Liam's nursery is still intact. Its one of the brightest rooms in the house due to how the windows are facing. I know facing what to do with the nursery is different for all mothers of loss. For me, its my almost safe place. It just feels peaceful in there. I know if we are blessed with more children, his room will be changed to accommodate them. In the meantime, I just don't see a reason to change it. We don't need the room for anything else. It was always meant to be a nursery. Its comforting in there. Some of his things are boxed up ready for storage one day. The same stack of diapers that were in his basket on his last day remain on his changing table along with the same box of wipes (most likely dried up by now) that we were using. I haven't touched or washed his crib sheets. His clothes are still organized by size in his dresser. His jackets and shoes are in his closet.  I still use his blanket I made him on special days. We spent time on that blanket during the nights he wouldn't sleep. All of his memories come swarming back to me in there, in the best ways.
                                                                    

My puppies (not actual puppies by the way, they are both full grown... I just cant bring my self to call them "dogs" for some reason) LOVE his room. They'd lay in there all day if I let them. Its like they know. I remember feeling so sad for them going through all of this too. Watching me get big, then disappearing for days, then rarely ever home because we were constantly at the NICU, then we bring this BABY home! They were so confused and interested in him but careful at the same time. It was lovely. When he left us, I'm not sure what the dogs thought of that. I know they watched us grieve and change. There was a while where they barely got out for our usual walks and hikes. Now I think they are used to how things are again. I just cant help but think about how all of this confused and affected them as well.
                                           
In the future, I'm not sure what we will do. I know eventually I will have to go through things, throw out expired things, and figure out what to do with all of his stuff. I'd like to pass a lot of it down to future babies, but I'd like to save a lot of it for him too. I know we wont use a superhero theme again, because to us, that was HIS. Its bittersweet that its so popular now. We see things constantly that would have been great additions to his room, or would have made great toys for him. Superman specifically symbolizes our memory of him. We did a photo shoot with him, his letter "L" and a small superman cape that came with one of his jackets or onsies. We didn't know then how powerful that would later become for us. Liam James, will forever be our little Superman.

                                         

The First Birthday

"One year ago today I gave birth to" is such a common start for most moms to boast about on their child's first birthday. Its usually followed by "I cant believe how fast it went by" and "where has the time gone" and hits on the most memorable milestones and heartfelt memories that took place in the past year. I've said it a million times, but oh the plans I had for this first year. His first birthday would have most definitely been a Disney or Superhero one. I would have wasted so much time on all of the meaningless details to make it as colorful and fun and loud as it could have been. I would have mailed handmade invitations, hosted little ball pits for all of the babies there, and had the best messiest cake I could have found for him to make a mess of. These are just a few of the visions I had.


Instead I'm blissfully reflecting on the fact that an entire year ago, I gave birth to my son. I woke up that morning, let my boss know that I would be working from home because I was not feeling well. I actually was just having cramps but they were painful and I didn't want to drive across town. Little did I know that these cramps were contractions and that I would be meeting our little man in just a matter of hours a month just short of a month before he was due. One year ago today Liam James Schlosser was born.

In the first few months after his passing, it was hard to be around other newborns or even pregnant women in general. It was hard to hear a newborn cry. After time, this eased. Its still a soft spot that I usually have to mentally prepare for but it has gotten easier, and its actually very comforting at times. I have watched my friends and family's babies grow. I have watched my own nephews grow. Grow past the infant stage, start eating solid food, crawl, smile, babble and was followed by their first words, first steps and more. Grow to throwing and catching balls, riding bikes, and talking back! I have watched my nieces grow in school, grow taller, pursue drawing and other talents they have. Not to mention all of my cousins that I have watched grow. I always wondered what Liam would have been doing. I wonder how he would have been interacting with all these other children that he should have grown up with. I'm not sure at which point I stopped imagining him growing. Suddenly, it was toddlers that were hard to look at, hard to hear, and hard to be around. I didn't expect it but it hurts more not just not knowing what he would be doing, but not even being able to envision what he would look like. I feel like all his memories were just frozen in time and he's just this little two month old baby forever. I was still thinking of him this way for months. Maybe I will forever. I just cant believe he would have been a year today. I wonder what he would look like. I wonder what his favorite toys would be. I wonder where we would be as a family. I wonder what mistakes we would have made. I wonder what would have been our favorite parts. Or the hardest. I wonder how we would have made things work.


Its almost like I'm missing him from the very beginning all over again erasing all of the progress I have made with my grief over the months. Almost every part of it hurts all over again. Every part of him, missing him and the thought of him. I know this has to be normal, I know I will be okay. I know Ill get through this. I know Liam's looking down at all of the remembrances that are being done in his honor today and will smile knowing how many are thinking of him. I know he's in the most beautiful place in existence. I'm positive that he is pain free, healthy, and happy. I'm happy for that. Its just the never-ending missing him. It's just sad. It just hurts. Today will forever be an especially hard day each year. I accept it.


I think this first year sets the bar for the hardest of hard years. Justin and I survived hand in hand, stronger, more patient, and understanding than we have ever been.  I want to continue to rebuild myself and heal. I want to continue to grow and find ways to embrace and remember Liam in the most positive ways possible. I want to be the best person I can be for him. I want to do wonderful things in his name. I just hope he continues to hold my soul extra close to his.

Happy Birthday little baby boy. I hope you know how much you are loved by so many. I hope you know the influence you left on this world. I hope you continue to find ways to inspire all of those who knew you and those who were touched by your story. I hope you enjoy your balloons. We love you punkin pie. Happy 1st Birthday. 

Disneyland

I Love Disney. I know its cliché. I know its insignificant. I know its childish. (In my opinion we could all stand to be a bit more like children sometimes) But I do. I love it. Justin took me to Disneyland for the very first time in my whole life. I know some people automatically think about crowds, and lines, and sticky fingers, but I think about adventures, rides, a happy atmosphere, and churros! I love it. I meet the characters, watch the parades & fireworks, go on all the rides, and soak it all up. Every time. Justin and I have been there at LEAST 20 times in the last 10 years. I LOVED watching all the kids, and making funny faces at the babies in line. The ones that were too little to know what was going on but were there anyways. I couldn’t wait to start my own family and bring them on their first trip of many to Disneyland.

We even took a trip while I was pregnant with Liam. We only did the small rides that were slow and didn’t drop or jerk, but we just strolled along taking pictures of my belly and talking about all of the "firsts" we would do with Liam. I believe we even bickered about how soon we could take him. I said seven months, and eventually, Justin agreed. We even bought one of his first toys there. It was a small plush animal of Zero the ghost dog from Nightmare before Christmas. We kept him in the nursery waiting his arrival, we have a video of us first showing the toy to Liam when he finally came home, and he is still with him now.

After we lost Liam, as petty as it may sound to some, I didn’t want to go back to Disneyland. It was too sad. Its supposed to be the happiest place on earth and I couldn’t go and watch everyone else’s happiness all around me while it was once again, just me and Justin. I didn’t want to face all of the beaming parents showing their babies mickey mouse for the first time and taking the first picture. Or watching a toddler wobble around the cobblestone. I didn’t want to see the frustrated mom who couldn’t get through the crowds with her stroller. I would LOVE to be even pushing a stroller! Instead, ours is at home, in my office collecting dust. Among other things, this was very sensitive to me especially during the time we were doing genetic testing and were stuck in a limbo of waiting on answers and not even able to try for another child yet. Though it wouldn’t ease the pain of not having Liam there, it would at least a step towards the hope of having children to bring eventually.

 

We returned to Disneyland on Valentine’s Day weekend. Just the two of us. We were finally in a better place to be able to face most of these things. It wasn’t overwhelming or unbearable. It was a little empty and sad. I remember seeing teenagers laughing so innocently and being envious of them. It was fun to be there but not as fun as it was before when I was oblivious to all the bad things in life. Maybe not oblivious but not directly affected.  I won’t deny that there was a difference, But it is still a magical inspiring place to me.


      

 

We wrote a note to Liam, bought a blue Mickey balloon (that would have bought for him anyways.... He would have been at the age to LOVE balloons.) tied a red and yellow balloon to it for his little superhero colors and carried it around Fantasyland for a bit. We took some photos and finally released them. The sky was so big and clear that day. His balloon rose so high. It seemed to freeze time and last forever. It was a wonderful way for us to incorporate him into what should have been his first trip. It was also a release of one more weight that grief no longer holds over our head.