The Rainbow

Our rainbow baby (A rainbow baby is born shortly after the loss of another baby. Its meant to signify the rainbow after a storm.) was born in June. My husband and I found that we are carriers for an extremely rare genetic condition after the unexpected passing of our affected first born son, Liam James, in 2014. After some defeating additional tries, we decided to go through IVF to try and have another child. After two stim rounds, and three transfers, we were pregnant with a precious baby girl.


Our rainbow miss Quinn Ann observing the bear we had made from her big brother Liam's jammies.

 I documented the entire pregnancy - how it varied from my pregnancy with Liam, the different emotions it brought on, different scares, etc. I liked being able to compare the two experiences. This pregnancy I was more aware of what was happening inside my body and I felt so close to this child so soon. Especially after the scary points in the pregnancy, I was really happy to just have her growing inside me, just the two of us. It felt safe and I loved it. I didn't know what to expect with her birth. I knew it would be hard, I knew it would feel different, I just didn't know what to expect. I made sure to have private time set aside, with just the three of us, to feel everything I needed to feel after she arrived. The fears I had during the csection were more than I expected. The weight of how much everything could change so quickly for better or worse was too much for me to envision. I struggled with calming myself down.

Once they delivered her, and showed her to me, I just felt relief and numbness. I just didn't expect what happened next. It was surreal. I was so happy that she was out and safe, crying and breathing. She passed all of her tests and checks perfectly. She was brought into our recovery room with us and we just held her and stared at her. We did skin to skin. We let her latch to my breast to feed. She was perfect. I was so in love with her, immediately. I was so grateful that she was ours and here and healthy. I had all of the typical mom feelings for her new child. What I didn't expect was to also feel so much fear and detachment.

It took me awhile to realize that's what I was feeling. I'm sure it was brought on by grief, hormones, and horrific memories, but it was hard to understand. I would hold this perfect little child and feel distant from her. You can imagine the wave of guilt that also came with that... I was afraid to fully accept and let myself feel that she was mine. With Liam, It felt more and more like he was God's and just on borrowed time with us. I know we are all Gods children, but the fear of her being taken from us too, today, tomorrow, years from now, it was too unbearable for me to think of. I was afraid to fully feel all of my love for her because of how much it would hurt if anything would ever happen to her. I had a wall up. I love her, held her, smelled her, soaked her up but with limits. I'd look at her and want her so much but be afraid to accept that she was here and I had her and that she was healthy.

It took a couple days to understand what I was feeling and why I was feeling it. I thought maybe it was post pardon depression, and I guess in a way it could have been. Once I had a few days to figure it out, it was a matter of convincing myself that that's not a way to fully love. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. I had to tell myself, once again, that this is something we don't have control of. I had to look at it as every single second we have with her is a blessing and I need to open my heart all the way, despite the dark possibilities. Its the only way to love anyone. She deserves all of me, not part of me.

The first few days were hard. Sleeping the first night while in the hospital was hard. I was so terrified she wouldn't be here when I woke up. I had to talk to a nurse about it so I could feel comfortable enough to sleep. I was reassured how to lay her in her bed (even though I know how to lay her in her bed), and she agreed to check on us often. Every breath terrified me. Every moment made me question if it was "normal" or not. The fears of accidents that could happen started running through my head. When we came home I could not have been more relieved to be at our own home and to get to share it with her. But with that comfort came more fear about the fact that we were no longer surrounded by nurses and no longer had a safety net of any kind. Then when family and friends started visiting, my anxiety about germs and sickness went through the roof. I was becoming so overprotective and worried that it was hard for me to enjoy it. Even those that I knew were great with kids, even after watching them wash their hands and keep their distance, it just felt so scary.

Then we went through a period during the second week where I became so obsessed with her breathing (fast breathing) and all of the new sounds she would make. If there was a cough, gag, or coo I would think something was wrong. I took her temperature every time she did anything new, again, automatically assuming it was a symptom or just something out of the normal. It was almost like I as waiting for something bad to happen. After being reassured by amazing supportive medical professionals that she was perfect and healthy I could stop stressing about it and wait for the next symptom. At the end of each feeding I would worry that she didn't get enough, or had too much and would surely be throwing it up. At the end of each day I would feel like I didn't do a good enough job. On the days that we had to leave the house for doctor appointments I would feel so terrible for even having to take her out in the heat at all (even though the car would be started and cooled, she would have a fan on her constantly, and I had a cold bottle of water to use to cool her also if needed). Now that I'm sitting here today, at almost one month of her life, I can finally see how silly these things were. Its not at all to say that anything new still doesn't put me on edge a bit, but its so nice to see her developing and thriving and getting to enjoy it. Its good to be in a place where I can enjoy the good things instead of focusing on what could go wrong. I'm learning too, that as the days go by, there are more and more good things, more reassurance, more confidence, and less insecurities.

I'm pretty sure I will always be more dramatic, overly cautious, and slightly stressed out when it comes to our little baby girl. I know a level of this is true about any parent. I'm just not sure where that bar is set since we didn't get to experience normal with Liam. As each day passes I feel more and more reassured that we are making the right choices with her. Its been amazing to see a little more of her personality each day. I'm familiar with her different cries and noises and what they usually mean. I also accepting that she is ever changing and that almost every time I feel like I have the hang of something, she will grow and change and I have to constantly adapt to keep up with her demands.

I cant believe its almost been a month with her already. There's no measurement large enough to express the love I have for her. I still lay at night just watching her breathe. I just sit and stare at her during our morning feedings trying to figure out how she is so absolutely perfect. Shes growing and changing every single day. I melt when she stares into my eyes and I'm unable to look away first. I'm obsessed with her face, her smells and her sounds. I cant wait to see who she grows up to be. I'm so anxious to watch her hit all of her milestones. I want to spend every single one of my days with her. I'm so unbelievably thankful to be her mother. I have no idea what our future holds, but I do know that we were blessed with an amazing, beautiful and perfect little child. She has filled a part of our hearts again that have been hurting for a very long time. I will always have a place in my heart that's missing for Liam. At the same time, I'm honored and blessed to be able to experience motherhood again, especially to our sweet little Quinn. Its a complicated mix of conflicting emotions that aren't commonly felt together. I'm getting more and more used to them though and again, just beyond thankful to be where we are in life today.

Thank you for everyone that helped us along the way to this dream come true! <3

Quinn's Birth Story

Quinn Ann has finally made her debut into the world! After such a long journey, so many ups and downs, scares, triumphs, etc - SHE IS HERE! What a roller coaster... What a blessing. What a miracle. Here's her birth story.

Let me just start by saying, our original due date was June 15th. When I had my first child, I was a month early. I was so determined that I would not go past 38 weeks with this one. We were given the date of June 14th for our scheduled c section. Again, I told everyone that I would go into labor before that for sure. I even had things wrapped up around mid May to accommodate that. Its not that I necessarily wanted her to come early, I know that the longer they stay in, the better for everyone. I just prayed that she comes when she's good and ready to thrive on her own, and that Id be happy to carry her as long as she let me, but I was also not so subtly hoping shed come just a week or two early (selfish me). My entire pregnancy with Quinn was very different than Liams. She gave me completely different symptoms, she was very interactive, and showed her personality right away just by her movements and position patterns. I should have known she'd come right when she felt like it.

I couldn't believe it. It was June 13th, the day before my scheduled due date. I was just a couple days short of a full 40 weeks pregnant. My c section was scheduled for 5:30 PM the next day. I was dreading not being able to eat or drink anything past 9AM waiting for the surgery. I was sure it would be terrible. Since we were finally accepting that that was what we would have to do, we made a plan to get a HUGE breakfast that morning. I had a weird appetite that night and didn't even eat much. Justin and I talked about our plan for the next day and the few things we would spend the day doing as a distraction until it was surgery time. But - Quinn had her own plan.

I woke up the next morning at 1am with severe cramps. I figured it was just a bad Braxton Hicks and went back to bed to sleep it off... But I couldn't. So I ate one last tum (becaust a 1AM potty break was not complete withoug the overnight heartburn) and a last sip of water. Another 10 minutes  or so later, another one hit. I decided to time it now, since it was pretty painful. They were a clear 10 minutes apart with a light contraction in the middle of the 10 minutes. After about 40 minutes I wake Justin up... "Im pretty sure this is it babe, Im in labor" I told him. He wakes up and I tell him what was happening and while waiting for a few more contractions, I start getting ready... We call our OB and he tells us to head over to the hospital. We get there around 2:30 or so. Im thinking, Im scheduled anyways, they will give me something for pain and we will get this going! The epidural could not have come soon enough and the contractions were less than a minute apart and lasting longer than the break I had in between them. The epidural as much more painful than I remembered, but finally my pain was taken away and we were just waiting until 9am for our doctor to come and deliver. We both dozed off for about 20 minutes or so while waiting for the doctor. Justin and I just laughed about our "plan" to have her at a scheduled c section and how she made sure she still came at her own time. Not to mention, my big breakfast plan was not happening anymore, and I ended up going even longer without food or water this way. We also got alot less sleep this way... Quinn was already all about doing things her way.

Finally it was time to go back. I remember being so cold the whole time. I remember having so much anxiety the whole time. It was just still somehow so sureal that we were here... and that this little perfect miracle of ours was actually coming right now and that so many different scenarios could take place in the next few minutes. I tried to stay calm, but I was so overly tired, so medicated and so worried that Im pretty sure I brought on a few panic attachs where I felt like I couldnt breathe or was definately going to pass out. My oxygen and everything was fine, so Im sure I just couldnt calm myself mentally. Eventually they started surgery, I calmed down a bit after Justin told me they made the cut (and I didnt feel it - RELIEF) and just waited to hear that baby cry. I felt the release of pressure as they pulled her out, and heard her cry right away. I was calm... So calm I could barely stay awake. They lifted her up so I could see her and I couldnt believe she was ours, and that she was here. I was so numb from it all, emotionally. They took her away to be cleaned and evaluated. Justin kept me updated the entire time. The doctors worked to close me up, and I listened for updates on our little girl.

Quinn was born at 10:03 AM on June 14th. She weighed 7lbs, 9oz (Justin totally called the wieght exactly while we were in labor, we both were just laughing when they told us her wieght). She was 19.5 inches. She was perfectly healthy and absolutely beautiful. The flood of emotions that came during that short time was undescribable. Ill explain more on that later. They finished fixing me up, and we were all taken back to our own room to rest. The best part - Quinn came too! That was definately something I took for granted with Liam. With him I just expected him to stay in the room with us while I heeled like I had seen with others and their newborns. When I got pre eclampsia, and he was admittd to the NICU, I just had no idea all of that could be taken away so quickly. The fact that Quinn got to stay with us, and I got to experience skin to skin with her right away, and establish her latching on for breastfeeding right away (which she did SO great with!) was just such a joyous moment for me. Even though I could barely stay awake, I was just astonished at how well everything went and how happy I was.

After about an hour to ourselves to just pull our selves together and soak up our first moments together, we started visiting with family and friends. There was such an abundance of love and joy around us. I felt so grateful to share such happiness with my loved ones. There had been alot of sorrow and struggle for so long. Im so glad we kept trying, found faith again, and were blessed enough to bring this little dream into the world.

I was released two days later and we all came home together. Another dream of mine, and wow what an experience. Im so happy and lucky to be this little girls momma. Its amazing to feel like a mom again. Terrifying, but wonderful. IVF is a beautiful miraculous advancement in science. I know its not for everyone, and that alot of folks are against it. I never imagined going through it myself. But having this little healthy girl, knowing she wont suffer from our genetic disorder, I feel that it was the absolute best decision for us. Im just so thankful it worked for us, despite the time and trials it took to get here. It was worth every penny, every poke, every med, every appointment, and every tear.

Welcome to the world baby Quinn. Let the adventure of our new dream begin.

I know Ive said it a million times, but I want to thank everyone that helped us get here. Thank you for all your love and support. Its been a long road, but our little miracle rainbow baby is here.

Bump Update: Week 36

Week: 36
Baby Size: Large Cantaloupe
Pregnancy Side Effects: LOTS. None to complain about, but plenty to keep me tired and uncomfortable.
Bump Status: Large triangle, square sometimes, usually round.... LOL Quinn moves so much and distorts my stomach so much its crazy to watch.

Currently...
Eating: Cereal, Salads, Cottage Cheese, Chocolate....
Craving: Taco Bell Supreme Tacos... Like, ALL of them...
Drinking: Water, Gatorade
Wearing: Maternity pants and tanks... Whatever's comfortable, Pajamas as early in the day as possible.
Feeling: Good overall, just tired, sore, uncomfortable.
Weather: Weather has been windy, but still on the cooler side. Im loving it!
Wanting: A year long vacation.
Thinking: About going into labor.... When... How.... Etc....
Enjoying: S L E E P. & any time I get with Justin.
Missing: Im in that anxious large stage where youre constantly thinking about getting your "body" back... Lol I cant wait to run and work out again, but that day will come soon enough and by then I wont want to anymore... Lol
Doing: Working, Trying to see a few last movies in theaters before those days are behind us for awhile, and trying to keep up with our family and friends get togethers. The last two months have been so busy.. We did assemble all the baby stuff and our house is officially ready for Quinn!
Looking Forward To: Maternity Leave.....






36 weeks!? How did we get here!? The 36th week is special to me because with Liam, we went into labor at the end of 36 weeks/day one of the 37th week. Ive been praying the Quinn comes when shes fully developed enough to thrive healthily on her own, But Im also (not so secretly) hoping that's in about a week. This week we set up the pack & play, rock & play, and the co-sleeper. All her clothes, sheets, etc are washed. Our hospital bag is backed and ready to go. We are at the stage where we feel fully ready and my hormones are in overdrive. The yearning I feel about being so close to holding our baby girl is just too much. The anticipation to actually mother another living child is consuming. Especially knowing we are so close.


With Liam, I assumed we would go full term, the full 40 weeks or so, especially because the whole pregnancy was textbook normal and going so well. So, when we went into labor after 36 weeks it was completely unexpected. I didn't have time to get really nervous yet, or over analyze everything. I was still just floating on day by day being pregnant. This time around, I know how early it happened last time, so all I can do is compare and wonder every second from here on out if "today is the day". I also never had Braxton hicks contractions, swelling, or aches/pains with Liam like I do with Quinn. I just already feel so anxious about what will happen and how, watching my health very carefully for any warning signs of pre-eclampsia. Im still feeling great overall, there's just more on my mind as the days go by. I feel like im in a constant battle of over analyzing everything that could happen, and reassuring myself that things are out of my hands and to just stay happy in the moment.


Ive also noticed such a different connection with Quinn while pregnant than I did with Liam. I know that this could be because of us losing Liam, and because of everything we went through with trying to get pregnant again. I just feel like I know Quinn so well already, like a glimpse of her personality. Being so familiar with her moves and knowing when shes awake or asleep, counting how many times a day she gets the hiccups (which she has right now), feeling her react to what I eat and drink and recognizing her patterns. I don't remember having all of that with Liam. He was active but less active. But again, I could have just not be as observant. It has created such a strong bond with Quinn though, and is making me that much more anxious to meet her. Then on my other crazy hormonal side, Im terrified for her to be here, and really really content with knowing she is just safe and sound inside me.


So many emotions and so much to be thankful for. Things have still been so happy. Busy, but happy! Every morning I wake up with this belly I couldn't feel more blessed. Please continue to keep us in your prayers these upcoming weeks! We love you all! Thank you!

Bump Update: Week 34

Week: 34
Baby Size: Pineapple
Pregnancy Side Effects: Swelling in the hands, Light cramping, Typical aches and pains, restless leg syndrome sometimes, sleepy pretty much ALL the time.
Bump Status: Large, almost always moving and shifting around, hard (Ahhh Wonderful to me!)

Currently...
Eating: Whatever sounds good, when it sounds good. Lots of cereal...
Craving: Schlotzsky's!
Drinking: Water & Juice
Wearing: Maternity Pants, shorts, tanks, and kimonos are my favorites!
Feeling: Still relatively good! But the pregnancy symptoms are definitely making me a bit more uncomfortable..
Weather: It was REALLY warming up, we even broke 100 degrees, but luckly this week we are back in the 70s!
Wanting: To be on leave, at home, with a beautiful baby girl in my arms...
Thinking: About how soon all of this can turn in to reality.
Enjoying: Being pregnant and feeling so close to Quinn with all of her movements.
Missing: Sleeping on my stomach most...
Doing: As much walking as I can fit in, no more gym time, but lots of resting.
Looking Forward To: Our upcoming next few weeks! Things are going to be so exciting!


So, I don't think I've posted since our baby shower! We had our shower right around 32 weeks. Let me just begin with - WOW. Our house was FILLED with so many loved ones and kindness and PINK! I don't even know where to begin with thanking everyone for everything. This wonderful little miracle rainbow baby is so special to everyone already. She was definitely not "sprinkled" with love, she was FLOODED with it! She was given more clothes, blankets, diapers, necessities, toys, and keepsakes than I could have imagined. It took two hours to just get through the gifts. I swear I'm not bragging, I'm just so unbelievably thankful for all of our family and friends. We live in the same city as each of our families (divorced on both sides) live. So any family event like this, we are blessed to have SO many family members so close to us to get to share all of these moments with. Its so wonderful, and we are so grateful for it! The weather was beautiful that day, everything went smoothly, and I felt fantastic all day. It was a wonderful perfect gorgeous day. If you would have asked me to even envision a day like this a year, or even two years ago, I would have broken down in tears just trying to fathom it. Now, today, this dream is coming true.

The day following the shower was spent entirely with baby laundry (three FULL loads), organizing, cleaning, and sorting through all Quinn's things. It was all I wanted to do for months! I didn't exactly mean to knock it all out in one day, but let me just tell you, that day was way too much fun for me! I got all of everything done that I wanted! Her room is completely complete!


Now during this 34th week, pregnancy is starting to get just a little heavier... I have an OB appointment this week, and every week from here on out. I'm starting to feel more weighed down, having more random aches and pains (all normal), restless leg syndrome while I'm trying to sleep or rest, nausea, my appetite is still very up and down, started swelling a bit, still always sleepy, and uncomfortable. None of these are that bad, but I'm definitely feeling the weight of them all, more. I don't remember feeling more like this with Liam until 36 weeks... So I guess it just comes with the territory! I'm just happy to still be feeling this well.


Its so surreal to think how soon Quinn can be here. I'm so excited for her, to see her and smell her and hold her and love her! This time a year ago we were just getting ready for another egg retrieval for our second full round of IVF. We had no idea from then to now that we would have another failed transfer, followed by a third transfer that would result in this wonderful miraculous pregnancy. I'm so happy to be where we are now.


Thank you all for sharing all of this happy with us! Thank you for all your love and support as always!

Bump Update: Week 28

Week: 28 (Hello 3rd Trimester!)
Baby Size: Head of Cauliflower
Pregnancy Side Effects: Tiredness...
Bump Status: LARGE Haha She's definitely growing, and getting stronger and stronger. Her movements are SO powerful and so often.

Currently...
Eating: Anything that sounds good!
Craving: Hmm.. Actually nothing recently...
Drinking: Water, Juice
Wearing: Maternity pants, leggings, tank tops.
Feeling:  WONDERFUL. Sure there's aches and pains sometimes and disrupted sleep, etc, but I really cant complain. I feel great most of the time.
Weather: Its warming up! I'm loving the warmer weather, but also getting anxious about how hot this summer is going to be..
Wanting: A vacation
Thinking: About our upcoming baby shower and April festivities
Enjoying: The weather and this bump!
Missing: Bike rides in weather like this
Doing: Still gyming 2-4 times a week, working, and finally quilting!
Looking Forward To: Our next ultrasound (We get an update on her weight and size)


These past two weeks have been wonderful! We finally had a 3 week break in between OB appointments, which was nice but still seemed to fly by. The whole pregnancy, as soon as we hit the second trimester, has seemed to fly by. Its been so wonderful.

She's always so stubborn when they try to see her and take pictures. She usually has her hands in front of her face or faces my spine. She's been tucked in a corner almost every single time. This time, she was head down in the cutest little fetal position with her knees to her chin. She was trying to turn away towards my spine again but we caught her. It was funny because before they started using the Doppler, I felt a foot on the upper left side of my stomach and I made Justin feel it, and the Dr goes, oh it might have been her butt or something, and as soon as she used the Doppler, she goes "Nope, that was clearly a foot!". Its been crazy to me how in tune I have been with her and her movements. Such a blessing.


Sharing so many of Quinn's movements with Justin, and just being blessed enough to be going through a pregnancy together again, ah, its just been so wonderful. I was finally able to commit on fabric to make Quinn her baby quilt also. With Liam this was so easy to do. With Quinn for whatever reason, it took me more than four trips matching and looking at fabrics and ideas. Its comforting to be finally working on it, and I love watching it all come together.


Thank you all again for your love and support! More happy updates to come!

Bump Bliss: 10 Weeks

Week: 10
Baby Size: Hershey Kiss
Pregnancy Side Effects: Nausea, Food Aversions, Exhaustion, Embarrassing Emotional Crying Bursts...
Bump Status: Bloat... But The Bottom Of My Stomach Is Feeling Harder!

Currently...
Eating: English Muffins, Fruits, Veggies, Pizza
Craving: Mashed Potatoes w/Gravy, Sushi, Pizza
Drinking: Iced Water, Decaf Green Tea, Juice
Wearing: Jeans, Hoodies, Leggings, Jammies
Feeling: SO Happy, Thankful, Grateful, Tired, Hungry
Weather: Cold Crisp Mornings With Beautiful Sunrises, Really Enjoying The Weather Cooling Down. :)
Wanting: A Vacation
Thinking: About Names, Nursery Ideas, Holidays
Enjoying: Being Pregnant Period
Missing: Energy and Motivation
Doing: Work, Etsy Designs, Gym, Lots Of Relaxing With My Pups and Husband
Looking Forward To: Thanksgiving, Our First OB Appointment, Hitting The 12 Week Mark


As of Monday November 14th (9 weeks along) we graduated Red Rock Fertility Center and will now begin seeing a regular OB! I was also finally instructed to stop all my medications ( I was still on estrogen 3x a day, estrogen patches, & progesterone shots) except for my prenatal and baby aspirin. Baby looks healthy and is growing perfectly! This was a milestone I so badly wanted to reach! It was such a powerful happy day. This pregnancy has been a roller coaster, but is calming down, and going GREAT.


My previous pregnancies, I was nauseas like clockwork at 6 weeks, and lasted for only 1 week, happened during the morning only, and was manageable with ginger gum. This pregnancy, I have been nauseas since week six, it lasts almost all day, my Dr gave me a prescription to manage it, and I still have it in waves at 10 weeks. My previous pregnancies, there wasn't a lot of food that really turned me off, I just preferred fruits and vegetables. I drank almost 3 liters of water a day, and one Juicy Juice box a day. This pregnancy, this Hershey Kiss Baby, HATES meat and almost all food. I have never experienced such food aversions. I typically LOVE room temperature water over iced water. This baby will only accept iced water which makes it harder to drink as much as I should. Food-wise, nothing hardly ever sounds good. The second something does sound good, I try to indulge, but it usually ends in me just never wanting that particular food again. I'm usually ALWAYS starving... Its added a lot of challenges to our normal meal prepping and planning. But! As of this week, I've learned that the baby likes hard boiled egg whites, fruits and vegetables so that is what we will have. Along with a pack of Gushers every now and then because well, lets face it, this baby does take after its mother a bit already too....... ;) Overall, This pregnancy has been great to me. As the weeks go by I'm finding more and more peace and confidence that's slowing taking the place of fear and anxiety. I know Ill never feel carefree and easy going during any pregnancy again, but I'm really grateful to be at a place where I'm not panicking and over analyzing every twinge and symptom anymore. I've been so hesitant to share and be open with the pregnancy part of this journey so far. Its still surreal and I still have tears when I really let myself believe that its happening and that in June of next year we could actually have a newborn home with us, healthy and happy. I could bask in those dreams all day. But for some reason its harder for me to accept that it could actually be finally happening in our real lives. I've been trying to just really let my guard down and accept that I can be happy and relieved, but the realist in me knows how quickly everything could change. I know I shouldn't think like that, and Its not what I focus on, the fear is just always there. It just constantly forces me to remind myself of everything I have to be happy and thankful for today, everyday and for where I am now. I'm thankful for each and every day I'm pregnant with this amazing little miracle baby. I love watching his/her progress through sonogram. Love seeing how much he/she grows each visit. I'm really looking forward to going back to my previous OB and seeing our little one again on Monday. <3


Pregnancy after miscarriage is different. Pregnancy after losing a child is different. Pregnancy via IVF is different. But here we are. Living and embracing it. I'm so thankful that IVF worked for us. I'm so thankful to be pregnant. I'm really looking forward to the season upon us and the upcoming holidays. Its refreshing to be so purely happy.


A million times, thank you all. We love you all. I look forward to sharing many happy bump updates with you all!

Our (BFP) Big Fat Positive!

Third time's the charm they say.... Lucky number seven they say.... This was our 3rd round of IVF and 7th conception overall. Ive noticed that I have been writing a lot less this round. I would honestly account it to sheer fear and exhaustion. Im so happy and thankful to say that this round was successful! We got our Big Fat Positive! Now that the tension is a bit relieved, Id love to share the past few weeks.


Our transfer was on Tuesday September 27th. I remember numbly walking through it all but at the same time having a lighter and positive feeling about it. Typically, I'd be the first to write about that... However, it scared me too much, and was too hard to do. I felt hopeful the first time. The second time, I felt even more positive and optimistic. It was harder and harder to believe in these feelings let alone share them. So I didn't. We went through the transfer, and it went great! We transferred two little embryos - one boy and one girl. Then we went home to relax and hide the fact that we were both anxious and terrified and desperate to know how this would play out.


During the two week wait I avoided cold drinks and foods (ice cream, shakes, smoothies, iced drinks), I wore socks to keep my feet warm constantly, I drank a V8 every morning to ensure I consumed my daily amount of vegetables, I rested, and I avoided stress as much as I could. After about a week I would begin to feel a few symptoms, tiredness, soreness, etc. Some minutes I would feel so absolutely perfectly normal I was sure I wasn't pregnant. Other times I swore I was. Every symptom I did have, I had before and didn't have a good outcome. Each symptom was also a side effect from the medications I was on. I was scared to admit them, or believe in them. So, I numbly went through the next days just trying to get to the point where I could sleep so I could be another day closer to beta day (pregnancy test day). I thought about taking a home pregnancy test... I did in the past, but the first time they were negative, the second time there was a faint line and ended in a chemical pregnancy so I figured that if I did test at home the results would either crush me, or provide hope that could be a false hope that I still wouldn't know for certain was a real positive until beta day anyways. SO. To save my nerves - I held out. No at home testing. I decided to take that time to be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). Beta day would come regardless, and I would have to face the truth then. But, in this blissful meantime - I was pregnant. We even talked realistically about twins, often. I started to really enjoy the two week wait.


Beta day came.... We took the day off again so we could really absorb what the results were. We went in for blood at 8am. I asked the lady drawing my blood to "only take the pregnant blood please" which made her laugh, and gave me a little comic relief for the situation. I was terrified! I know youre supposed to be positive and have faith, and I had been praying so much and trying to understand so much and had really come to accept any scenario but really, really hoping that this would be it. That we could actually be pregnant and actually get to bring home a healthy baby that would grow into a child that would live a happy thriving life outliving us. I can think of it lightly like, okay, this is just a maybe scenario anyways, nothing is owed to us, this may not work, but we are so lucky to have this opportunity for this chance period. Then my emotions overwhelm me and the desperation kicks in and all I feel is how much I want and need this, how I want this for my husband, my family, etc, and I could never be close to whole again with out a child. It was just so much riding on a stupid blood test! So I tried to block it out, went home and waited for the call with Justin. And waited, and waited. I think it was finally after 3pm (aka 5 thousand years later...) that we finally got the call. We had a beta that was high enough to confirm pregnancy, and even better, it was a really high beta! That moment was indescribable. We just held each other and cried. We knew we still had a long way to go, but this was the best news we had gotten in a long, long time. Then we had to wait 2 days for another beta to make sure our hCG levels were rising as they should be. Another test, more doubt and fear, but also more good news!! Next we had to wait a week to repeat the same test, and confirm that my hCG was still rising even more. By this time I was just feeling tired all day and falling asleep by 9pm every night. A week finally passed and - again - great news!! Great hCG!


So next was a scheduled ultrasound to confirm that the baby/babies were where they should be, growing as expected and little hearts beating..... A few days before the ultrasound, I experienced spotting. I know for some spotting is normal, and pregnancy articles say it can be normal. Spotting has NEVER been normal for me... It has always indicated the beginning of a miscarriage. The amount of emotions that came over me demolished my efforts to stay calm and positive. They asked me to come in that day for an ultrasound to check everything. Luckily Justin was able to be there with me. We just hugged each other and prayed... It was very fast, and rushed but we saw one perfect little baby in there with a heart rate of 125! Measuring right around 6 weeks and 2 days or so. I couldn't believe it. At this point was it harder to believe good news over bad news? We were thrilled..... Just hearing a heart beat decreases your risk for a miscarriage. I just, I was so happy. They said not to be concerned with the bleeding and to come back in another week. Well, I had more spotting which set me back to my worrisome self. I was really looking forward to the next ultrasound. I would be 7 weeks and 5 days. My miscarriages would always be before or around 7 weeks. I felt like this was such a big milestone to get to. I had been feeling very nauseas, and very tired which were very reassuring to me. Any time I wasn't nauseas I was scared something was wrong.. Not to mention that I have still been on all my meds and have just been a ball of emotions through all of this.... So the day came, another ultrasound.... This one was longer. My Dr looked for the fetus and found it. She slowly measured and measured. Finally (since I was holding my breath the hole time waiting for this) she played his/her heartbeat at 144 bpm. Exhale. Wow... Everything is okay. Everything looks great! This little baby already looked so much bigger than last week! I mean, Ive seen it before, and you read about it on your "what to expect" app, but wow! It was really happening! We were astonished and thankful and just so so happy!



I was so scared to let myself really accept that I was finally pregnant again because I know how quickly it could end. I enjoyed each day for the gift it was but I couldn't really let myself dream of the future because I had so many worries. I had done it so many times before and the pain is torturous and hard to come back from. I honestly don't know how I made it this far sometimes. Im really thankful for how I feel Ive began to grow with God. Im also really glad for where we are now in life. To have this new hope and beginning we can enjoy. On November first everything sort of caught up with me... I noticed that wow... Its NOVEMBER. Where has this year gone.. Its going to be Christmas soon, another new year. For the first time in a LONG time, the idea didn't sadden me. I was actually looking forward to it instead of reflecting on what felt like more lost time. Im just so happy to be pregnant. I hope and pray more than anything that this pregnancy goes well, this baby continues to grow and thrive and that we get to take him or her home to live a happy and long life with us.


Thank you all again for following this crazy emotional roller coaster journey and for all of your love and support. Im looking forward to sharing this entire rainbow pregnancy experience with you!

The Separation

Its odd... After so much time going by, its hard to determine what feelings are pulling from grief, which are pulling from desire, and which are normal insecure confusing feelings of where you are in life at your perspective age compared to where you wanted to be or thought you would be. Its hard to know who you would be if you didn't suffer such a tragic loss. I think its important to let that wonder go, because you can never undo the changes that occurred because of it. You have to accept you will never be that person. You will never have that innocence back. Focusing on who you are now is the only way to grow and move forward. Ive being trying to do that. Hard.

I haven't been able to write for awhile. Even this piece Ive worked on for over a week. Well, I take that back, I have written a lot, but its not anything I'd want to share because its unfinished, unresolved, and mostly depressing and bitter. I know those things are okay to feel and express, and I'm not ashamed of them, but its been a very long time of feeling this way. I feel I should be stronger by now. When I continued to open up and share these things, it started to make me feel more pitty for myself instead of being healing for me. I never imagined for this road to be so long and filled with so much constant up and down, rebuilding, and let down. I know Ive learned a lot, and theres so much good to come, but it still discouraging... Especially when you try to be hopeful for everyone else too, everyone else is rooting for you, and you feel like you let all of them down too.

Lately I have felt detached. I talk to my family and friends and find myself picturing their lives, their day to day. I think of the priorities they made and their families, their sacrifices. I think of the difference they must feel to come home and make dinner for not just themselves or themselves and their spouse, but for their family, for their kids. I think about things like the laundry that they have to do for their entire family. All the separate loads and sorting, folding, and putting away. I think of all the dishes and cleaning they must do. I think of how tired they must be at the end of their long but fulfilling days. I think of what their weekends may be like, waking up to make breakfast and spending the day together. The little things, the simple things.  I realize this is just my version of the "family dream". I know its so hard, and so much work. I know its not all just happy hallmark moments. I probably obsess over wondering about it more that I should because its been something we have worked towards and wanted for so long, and with every piece of my self I feel that's where we should be, I just feel incomplete without it.  It just makes me feel isolated, because Im still just here, doing laundry once every few weeks, meal prepping for the two of us, cleaning when its needed and not because I have a toddler wreaking havoc. I should appreciate trivial things being so easy, but the emptiness of it makes it bitter. I love having a full house and friends and family and their kiddos to play with, but when the house is its back to its silence, its hard.

Recently, I've stopped following Facebook. In the beginning I wanted to face everything so I wouldn't be caught off guard with news or announcements that could hurt me. Some things would still hurt but I could face it on my own and have a brave face when I had to. This was fine for a long time. I just didn't expect this journey to be so long. I didn't account for the affect that it had day after day, week after week, month after month, season after season, - year after year. I found myself becoming more and more irritable. I was lashing out and yelling for the smallest reasons. I was angry so often, frustrated, and had this feeling that I wasn't able to catch up. I noticed that all of a sudden I was feeling inadequate about other things that I didn't before like my home, job, etc. It took me awhile to realize why. When I would look at my Facebook, it would be filled with some much love, accomplishments, happy family moments, and announcements. What a blessing right? All my beloved family and friends have so many good things to share and that warms my heart, it really does. However it turned into me surrounding myself with examples of things that I wanted so dearly and didn't have. Trips I wanted to take too but couldn't because every chunk of change we have is saved for IVF. The improvements and changes we want to make to the house (All the fun DIY stuff we love) was also on hold due to funds. More and more of my friends were announcing pregnancies, which I was used to, but what began to wear on me was not only their pregnancy announcements, but to watch them go along to share birth announcements, happy birth stories, first holidays, first birthdays, and second pregnancies. It turned into too much. A pregnancy announcement I was used to. But when I saw a first birthday or second pregnancy he got heavier. It just reminded me that in the time that its still taking me trying so hard to help make IVF work others have went on to have two full pregnancies, celebrating first birthdays, etc. It made me feel like I lost so much time, that I was failing, that I wasn't any closer today than I was over a year ago to even have a thriving pregnancy. Its not to say I wasn't happy for everyone, there's no words that describe the love and happiness I have for the others that I see appreciating and loving all the positive and accomplishments in their lives. Its the dream! The dream Ive had for so long. It just hard to be surrounded by it all, all the time, while wanting it so badly. I noticed that it made me feel bad about myself, sad, empty, and pressured. I was trying to focus on us and what we did have, focus on our situation, in our own time while surrounding myself with everything we want and didn't have. It was self destructive and counter productive. Its not that I need to shelter myself from the world, but I needed to stop scrolling through it all every few hours. Since I stopped following Facebook, my days have been lighter. I have been able to see and appreciate more of what Justin and I have, without the pressured comparison feeling. It makes my world smaller, focused more on myself, Justin and our pups, easier to cope and deal with. It been a lot happier for us, cleansing, peaceful.

Our situation has just been hard. I question who I am, what's right, how to have faith. I struggle with perspectives on things. I feel that I constantly fight to find the right one and have to force myself to believe in it. Every day is a fight. Some are lost to depression and anger. Some I feel so fulfilled with all the love in my life and I feel like I am good, that I understand life and have a grip on everything. I just feel like I've been trying so hard and fighting for so long. I always thought it would be worth it. Each time we had a positive pregnancy test, genetic test, IVF transfer I try to keep myself positive and hopeful. Fighting against every doubt that comes up, every bad sign. Meanwhile others are telling me how sure they are that it will work, and even though I want to believe them, my first thought is frustration because no one has the power to assume such certainty such things. I cant tell you how many people just "knew" we would be pregnant "that" time and was wrong. I know that they just wanted it so badly for us. I know all the intent was good. It just hurts. I'm left feeling like a fool for believing in something so much for it to just fail. I feel guilty like for some reason its my fault, or our fate is deserved for some reason and we just don't know why. Each time, its so hard to build up that faith and hope again. But each time we somehow do.

I don't know what mind frame to be in for this next transfer. There have been a few changes in my protocol and in the transfer details. I feel really hopeful again, because I guess I just don't know how to be anything else. In just a short week, we will hopefully be transferring again. Another clean slate, another try, another possible new beginning. Wish us luck and sticky baby dust.

IVF Round 2 - Failed.

I haven't written much lately. I have a million drafts that I cant bring myself to post. Most of them I feel are too raw and are written in such a low depressed state that I feel its just going to make people sad especially with no silver lining in sight as of yet. I feel like I've been finding new ways to cope and live life after everything changing so abruptly two years ago. Lately I have just been sort of floating by trying not to think so much about how badly we want a family of our own, if we will or wont ever have it, while dealing with whatever medical protocol we are currently on at the time. Every time I think I'm doing things right or at least heading in the right direction. Lately I just feel like I'm slowly losing myself and the desire to do things that used to make me happy. After our first failed round I really focused on me again and got my self in amazing health. I felt good. Justin and I decided that it was time to stop letting our faith linger in the in between and that we needed to read the Bible for ourselves to really form our own opinions and find faith stronger and clearer than ever before. I feel like after every loss we try to find a new way to improve and be better and stronger and move forward. I know this is a good thing, but it sure does make things hurt so much more when they still don't work out. The amount of strength that it takes for you to even be positive again and further more, really let yourself believe in that positivity really opens your self up for such a deeper pain when you're let down yet again. I feel so defeated, so unbelievably tired, and so lost.


Our second IVF round has failed. Our first official beta test on Monday and my hCG level came back at 4.5. Our hearts just sank. I was happy to have hCG in my system at all, but I knew this number was bad. Technically your level should be >5 to even be considered a pregnancy at all. By this time in the process your hCG level should be >100 to indicate a strong pregnancy. We were told to come back in two days to retest. The second beta came back at 7.5. Oh what a way to toy with emotions.... The level increased. Typically that's a great thing.  It was so easy to feel hopeful again but at the same time, if 7.5 was our initial number, it still would have still been bad. So we were told to come in for a 3rd beta. This one came back at 3. I was told to stop all meds, and that they call this a biochemical or chemical pregnancy. For those of you not familiar a chemical pregnancy is another term for a very early miscarriage (around 5 or 6 weeks). I was pregnant but the embryo didn't continue to grow or didn't implant completely/correctly. How we so desperately hoped that God would somehow bless us and intervene with some type of miracle.


Its amazing how easy it is to quickly spiral back down to the bottom. How this one test result creates a domino effect of everything that is suddenly wrong in our lives. I had hoped that with reading the Bible that I would find some comfort or confidence that I could fall back on. Instead I just think of all the early chapters that we have went through that indicate that children are a blessing and situations of those who were being punished or were clearly not blessed would not have children. It shouldn't be so easy to feel so low about your self in the eyes of God no less. All I hear is of his love and I want to feel it like everyone else seems to. I don't want to sound like I don't have faith or that I am questioning God or faith. I know the verses that say that he will have great things for us and that its his plan not ours. I just wish I knew if those plans were one in the same. And in the meantime I feel so left out and alone.


Lately I've tried so hard to not compare my situation to where anyone else is in their life. Its hard because I don't want to compare, but everyone around me is having kids, is waiting for us to have our kids, making plans and dreams about our kids playing together, etc. I just feel like I'm on the outside of some club waiting to get in. I want to do these things! We have been ready! Liam should be playing with my friends and families kids. I should be doing all the things we planned to do with him in addition to his sibling we would have had by now. How perfectly it would have all worked out. I'm working so hard on a dream that is out of my control. I'm happy that I don't feel spiteful, or jealous, I just feel like there's something wrong with me. It feels so lonely. So un-relatable, cruel and isolating. I turn to a lot of my support groups with fellow IVFers. Its so amazing when they have successful rounds and they get to move on with their life with a promising pregnancy. But its also so hard when you see others that have had 6+ rounds with no luck at all and even worse, watch those stop pursuing at all because they simply are drained of funds or of the mental and physical demands that it takes. People say it will happen, and it can, But I've also seen so many examples of when it just doesn't. Ever. I feel so crazy wanting something so badly.


On top of all of this with myself, the worlds issues also pile up making me feel even smaller and more insignificant. Terrorist attacks, shootings, police shootings, politics, the election.... I just wish things were simpler, purer. I don't know how the world became this. It makes me fearful of so much. It makes me question so much.


How easy it is to wallow in self pity... I hate it deeply. I hate sharing it. But more so I would hate for anyone else to feel that they are the only one that feels this way. Its okay to feel this way.... Its a healthy stage in grief. Its necessary. I spend a good day earlier this week when I came to terms with the outcome dealing and feeling this way. Today it was all opened up again when we got the final call.


Yet, still, somehow I feel calm. I feel like it still isn't the end and that we just need to keep going. As much as it hurts, we've been through this and worse before and we will be okay. I'm so thankful to have such a rock of an amazing husband who puts up with my roller coaster of emotions and is hand in hand with my on this journey. A husband who's been nothing short of supportive, positive, loving and caring through it all. No matter the end result I know I will be okay with him. I still believe that God has a plan for us and I have to believe its wonderful. I still intend to continue reading his word with Justin and grow from it. We still have 7 chances at this. I'm not as far to even think about the timeline to expect, fathom the funds, or prepare myself physically and mentally yet, but we still have 7 chances. Seven healthy, disease free frozen in time chances. I am more overwhelmed by those blessings alone that it helps me see past the bad. If Liam wants more time being an only child and is busy picking out the most perfect beautiful souls to send down to us then so be it. We will always have his memory. If it wasn't for the life changing love that we got to experience through him I don't know that we would even have the strength to keep fighting this hard. He changed us forever.


One day, we will have the best most amazing happy news to share with everyone. It will be one of the best days of my life. I really hope that this is finally the end of the bad and that things can only get better from here on out. It does in a way comfort me to know that so many of the happiest parts of my life haven't even happened yet and that they are to come. I cant thank everyone enough for being on this wild ride with us over the last two years and always showing support and love. We are very blessed. We love you all, and thank you.

Round Two: Transfer Day

Ah, Transfer Day for round two.... How different was this transfer for us compared to the first one. I sipped my last sip of wine four days prior, we meal prepped for the week 2 days prior and enjoyed the day before just us relaxing and listening to the surrounding areas lighting off fireworks in celebration of 4th of July. I was calm. I was relaxed. I was confident.


The next morning, I woke up and put on my face for the day along with my "comfortable transfer ready outfit" and headed out for breakfast. After devouring my short stack of Smores Pancakes with bananas we headed to acupuncture. I laid there listening to my indie music zoning out with 9 needles in my front side while Justin silently read his Sherlock Holmes. After we finished there we arrived at Red Rock Fertility Center, got our procedure bracelets and waited to be called back. When it was finally our time, I changed, and was set in our transfer room. A bit more waiting and in came the Dr and the embryologist with an incubator that had our little embryo in it. Less than ten minutes later we were finished and left to relax for a short time before returning home. We said a prayer together, relaxed and came home.


I've been so surprised at how different I feel this round. I don't want to be misleading, I still freak out like a crazy person, but its much less often! I feel so confident and calm. I try to really keep my mind busy on other petty things and the idea of the dream of a family instead of the stress of wondering if this worked or not.

The two week wait was hard the first week because its too early to feel any symptoms and all you want to do is take a pregnancy test at home to see if anything indicates whether he's sticking around in there. I tested on day 6 and day 9. The lines are extremely hard to see in this photo, but they were just faintly there. On day 6 there was no immediate second line. A few hours later there was a very, very faint line. It was enough for me! Our first round we didn't have any positive tests so this was already so reassuring for us. On day 9 I tested again and there was an immediate faint line. After this I was good. I felt like at least something was happening in there and we just had to wait out the results at this point. I had two days of extreme exhaustion (which was normal with my previous pregnancies) and a few other symptoms. However the progesterone in oil injection I was still taking daily had symptoms that mirrored pregnancy symptoms so besides the tiredness I tried not to read too much in to those and just enjoy the rest of week two.


All in all I feel that this went much better than our first round, and I'm really proud at how well I feel I did mentally stress and anxiety wise. Now we are just cautiously looking forward to results!

Round Two: Egg Retrieval and Embryo Update - EIGHT!

EIGHT.

I received the call early one morning while I was at my desk at work. I wasn't expecting to hear from them yet, and was completely caught off guard. The call itself lasted an entire 43 seconds. I answered, my coordinator told me she had results - pause - then asked if I wanted to year them (in response to my silence). To be perfectly honest I had been dreading the call. Everything had been going so well I was so scared of getting bad news. I didn't want to have any expectations and was perfectly content with the time in between of not knowing.... For once, the waiting was enjoyable, and happy. The thought of results and the reality of it and how much it meant was almost unbearable. So here I am, on the line, waiting for her to speak again in her monotone-giving-nothing-away voice as she goes on to tell me that we have EIGHT healthy unaffected embryos. Some are a very decent high grade, some a little less that high - but all healthy and disease free! She said congratulations, I said "K, thanks!" and hung up! Very rudely and abruptly - but I was just overwhelmed with emotions and needed to just process and soak it up! Also, mind you, I was still at my desk hoping that no one would approach me while on a call and holding back tears. So I paused and sat and processed, exhaled, and fast walked outside to call my husband immediately. Be were both so over-joyed and in such shock. It was torture to not be with him in person to just hold each other over the news.


Out of 16, we have 8. EIGHT! Eight unaffected healthy embryos. Eight CHANCES. Eight opportunities for the dream of growing our families, experiencing life growing within me again, to watch grow day by day as curiosity and learning happens before their eyes. Eight chances at experiencing the full gift of motherhood. Christmas mornings, Easter egg hunts, birthday parties, Disneyland trips, bedtime stories, jammie cuddles, Saturday morning cartoons, spilled milk, sleepless nights, and chaos. Even more so, the chance for not just one, but possibly siblings! The depth of it all! So many of these dreams I thought were slim if not over. This was our last shot. I know we still have the transfer to go through and that it needs to be successful but these chances! We have them. We are this far. They are frozen perfectly in time. What a milestone to achieve. My happiness cannot be obtained. The amount of swelling love I feel from this just brings me to tears. My gratitude is immeasurable. Thank you all for your continued prayers, love and support. Its been a long, long time waiting, but its happening.


Transfer is tentatively set for July. Making babies!

Some Truth About IVF

 

"Playing God is never good"   •   "Test tube babies"   •   "Too lazy to have sex"   •   "The earth isn't over populated enough"   •   "Why do people want to procreate that badly"   •   "23 is so young to be infertile"   •   "That's mother natures way of saying 'no'"    •   "Stop being selfish and adopt maybe"

 

When people hear the term "IVF" it could go a few different ways. Some know about in vitro fertilization from having experienced the process themselves. Some will refer to their story of a family member/friend/acquaintance that had used the method. Some briefly know the basics of the process and some are completely against it.


Before IVF became the method for my husband and I to use, I knew little about it: It was a method to get pregnant. It involved needles, sperm, eggs, a dish, a whole lotta cash and consisted of the woman being artificially inseminated. That was about it. I didn't really have a stance on it, I didn't think I would ever go through it. I knew some used IVF to solely select gender and I wasn't a fan of that, But that was really as far as I thought about it.

As many of you know, I'm currently in my second round of IVF (round one was unsuccessful). I've seen some articles trending about IVF successes and how more and more women are choosing to not be so silent about their journeys of IVF, infertility, and more.  The comments like the ones above are from articles about IVF and IVF success stories like the ones trending online with the newborn laying in a heart shaped consolidation of the injections and medications that were used to help them conceive via IVF. Some are happy and supportive while others are outraged. Recently I've become more and more aware of the "trolling" comments being left on these articles. Id LOVE the chance to share just a bit of insight to some of these misconceptions, rash judgments and pure ignorance.

1. IVF is used for SO many different reasons.
I cant speak for everyone, But I for one am NOT trying to make a "super baby" by hand picking the strongest DNA to have the fastest smartest child at the gender I so choose. I actually had a super baby. He was born naturally, perfectly healthy and beautiful in Spring of 2014. That was until a long spiral of unexpected events finally led to his passing away, unexpectedly in an ER surrounded by us and devastated helpless medical staff. His full story can be found here. We learned abruptly that we were both genetic carriers for a very rare usually fatal disorder. After another long series of unfortunate events, we chose to try IVF with PGD not for "selfish" reasons, but to have a child who wouldn't be in pain, and could live for longer than 65 short days. This is the case for many others. Many genetic disorders can be prevented by PDG while undergoing IVF. Other common reasons that IVF is used is Infertility, Fallopian tube damage or blockage, Ovulation disorders, Premature ovarian failure, Endometriosis, Uterine fibroids, Impaired sperm production or function, Unexplained infertility, Fertility preservation for cancer or other health conditions, etc.  Some people see infertility and reasons causing infertility lightly, but there are so many depths of pain and suffering that comes with it. There's really not a need for me to list every single cause that leads to perusing IVF. Just like there isn't a need to assume everyone is undergoing IVF for selfish reasons. You don't have to understand it to be kind.


2. Infertility Myths
This can happen at anytime, to any man or woman. Infertility doesn't see age or sex. Some couples are older in age when they find their partner to begin a family. Some realize only then that they are infertile. Quickly, time becomes a HUGE factor. Waiting and trying to conceive naturally for 2 years to then go see a specialist and begin IVF in hopes to be pregnant IF its successful the first round within an additional year... This time adds up fast. Its different for everyone. Infertility isn't due do a lack of trying.  Its nothing that is done incorrectly. Its not "giving up" after a few months. There are so many layers to it. Please stop disrespecting these women with blunt assumptions fueled by a lack of understanding and compassion for something that you would truly need to experience to understand.


3. Adoption
If I had a nickel for every time the miraculous obvious solution of "just adopting" was placed at my feet I could almost afford an entire round of IVF w/PGD, or even a full adoption in itself. I am completely on board with adoption. I believe it is a miraculous and very open hearted process and brings so much happiness to the world. I think it is so wonderful. I personally have not ruled out adoption. Just because a person chooses to try IVF for their chance at experiencing pregnancy and growing their family does not mean they will not later choose to adopt. Key word - CHOOSE. The sky is supposed to be blue, the grass - green, the sun - hot. Female cows produce milk, chickens - eggs.... See where Im going with this? Women were created to procreate, our bodies to create and support life. Its been embedded in our lives as soon as we start playing with dolls or observing how the world works. We are supposed to grow up and WE get to make families. Those of us that cannot, are ripped apart by this ability and choice being stolen from us. It should never be a choice for anyone else to take away. The fact that we have a way to try if we choose to is ours. It is not selfish to want to experience pregnancy grow inside you or to birth a child. Or to want to see your features and your husbands in them as they grow. Is passing on your own DNA 100% needed to complete a family? No. There are many ways to do this, and adoption is absolutely one of those wonderful beautiful ways. However, it is not anyone else's choice to make. Trying IVF shouldn't be shamed, and it shouldn't be labeled as selfish. We feel bad enough about our inadequacies. Believe me. Women who choose to sacrifice everything in hopes to bring new LIFE in to the world isn't the problem. Especially when those lives are SO so wanted.


4. Mother Nature and Playing God
Ill be completely upfront. After seeing what I've seen and the road I've traveled its safe to say that my faith has been rocky. I'm currently seeking God and trying to interpret his word for myself.  So please bear with my ignorance.  First, how could anyone assume that "mother nature" just up and decided "nah, not that one, she shouldn't be able to conceive" or is playing "duck, duck, infertile" with the population. Not to mention, "mother nature" is a personification, abstract, theoretical icon like "Father Time". As for the religion side of things, I can see how this can be interpreted in different ways. I refuse to debate but in my opinion I still truly believe a few things as it applies to my  specific situation. I do not believe that IVF means trying to "play God." I'm truly sorry for those that see it that way. I shouldn't have to say it, but of course, it hurts when people imply that God did this to me like a curse or an execution of his plan and I should just accept it. I don't believe that God did this to me. I believe in free will and that some things simply happen. We are only human. I still believe that if we are meant to have and carry another biological child then we will. If not, then we can visit the idea of adoption or adjust the expectations of our lives. I did however miss the part where it was opened up for judgment from everyone else.


5. Lets talk about sex...
You know, I do think that IVF will ultimately replace the act of intercourse. Absolutely. I mean people obviously ONLY endure it now to specifically procreate and those of us going through the thrill seeking adventure of IVF are way to lazy to partake in the act our selves. [biggest eye roll] Comments like this are just too ridiculous to entertain. In all seriousness, for some people the fact that a pregnancy could result from making love is one of the most beautiful things in the world. When that beautiful part is also taken out of such a meaningful act, it too hurts us. Intimacy at all is harder during this process because of all the restrictions and changes that your body goes through. Its another constant reminder of what we cannot do naturally. I truly wish it were as easy as just "having sex".


Each part of IVF is hard - the decision in its self, the cost, the risks, the success rates, the toll it has on a relationship, the roller coaster of hormone caused emotions, the injections, the procedures, the contracts that make you question things you never thought of before when it comes to what to do with your embryos, the waiting, the hoping, the physical toll your body takes from it, and so so so much more. If you're a fellow IVFer, my heart goes out to you. If you're not, I hope you never have to. Regardless, I wish there was more information that went "viral" about the truths of IVF and not the superficial test tube baby side of it. Even news stations and websites use degrading titles and headlines that set the wrong perception. It just adds fuel to the fire for conspiracy. Yes I understand the unethical way IVF could be used, No I don't agree with it all. People are so quick to have a firm stance on everything and feel overly entitled to use their freedom of speech to spew their opinions on to everyone. I'm not saying there's a right or wrong. I think you should absolutely do a little research and form an educated, well rounded opinion before feeling so strongly about something especially if it doesn't pertain to you or if you've never had to go through any of it yourself. IVF as it applies to the women that are simply trying to get pregnant and have a family - let us be. Just be happy for us, or at the least, kind - or respectfully  quiet.

Round Two: Stimulation Injections

The On April 30th we began stimulation shots. This part of the process is designed to help the ovaries to make enough follicles and eggs using mediation. Without stimulating medications, the ovaries make and release only 1 mature egg per cycle. The goal here is to have several follicles grow so multiple eggs can be retrieved at one time. Ive listed the protocol for both rounds to compare.

Round 1 -

Stims Day 1-3 ~ Gonal F 175 & Menopur 75

Stims Day 4-6 ~ Gonal F 100 & Menopur 75

Stims Day 7-8 ~ Gonal F 100, Menopur 75, Cetrotite 0.25mg

Stims Day 9 ~ Trigger Shot Pregnyl

Day 10 ~ No Shots!  Oral Pills Zithromax, and Fluconazole.

Day 11 ~ Retrieval Day! (Retrieved 16 eggs, 11 were mature, 9 fertilized and 7 made it to day 5 blastocyst. Unfortunately only one was normal and nonaffected after PGD/PGS testing and resulted in a BFN after transfer.)

Round 2 -

Stims Day 1-5 ~ Gonal F 125 & Menopur 75

Stims Day 6-8 ~ Gonal F 125, Menopur 75, Cetrotite 0.25mg

Stims Day 9 ~  Gonal F 200, Cetrotite 0.25mg (this was only because I was out of Menopur and my coordinator said this would work the same) 

Stims Day 10 ~ Trigger Shot Ovidrel

Day 11 ~ No Shots!  Oral Pills Zithromax, and Fluconazole.

Day 12 ~ Retrieval Day! (Retrieved 32 Eggs, 22 were mature, 20 fertilized, and 16 made it to day five blastocysts)

Its hard to explain how differently these two rounds of stimming have been. I injected in my legs both times. Iced the injection site first, then Justin administered my shots. Menopur burns regardless, but the actual shots turn into a simple chore and I get a super cute Bandaid as a reward for. The first round I was so nervous and anxious and could not stop researching everything. I was eating well but added more sodium, stopped drinking completely, cut all caffeine and worked out lightly after the first 3 days. This time, it was just different. I was calmer, less anxious and knew what to expect. I had a glass of wine the night before we stated and once during. I had my usual cup of coffee in the morning. Drank ALOT of water. I worked out lightly after three days (that's when you can usually start to feel the bloating and they advise against anything extraneous). I still ate well but added more sodium as directed.

I felt well during the week of stims until around the end I was more and more losing my appetite. After retrieval I immediately gained 5lbs (that day!) and the insane bloating began to set in. It was much more painful this time and still took about a week to heal. My doctor did tell me that its worse depending on the higher number of eggs retrieved, but hey, it was worth it! Im also REALLY glad this part is over.

Now we wait the two weeks to find out how many of the little embies are healthy and unaffected by our disorder. Then the real fun begins!

I am so unbelievably thankful that we had such a successful stim round. I wish I knew who or what to give credit to from a protocol perspective. Im just so thankful that we were so blessed. Im really thankful for those we have in out life that are with us through this journey. Im also really happy and Justin and I are dedicating time to form our own opinions within our faith and God together. I know personally this has made me feel much better. Everything has been happy lately. Im beyond appreciative for everyone's prayers and support. I really really hope and pray that we continue to have happy news to share!

IVF w/PGD Round Two Timeline

February 23, 2016 - Reviewed previously failed IVF Round. No changes to protocol were made except to stim longer in hopes to retrieve more eggs which should raise our odd for creating unaffected embryos. Decided to wait until April cycle to begin birth control for round two.


April 15th 2016 - Received call to begin Estrace and Aygestin. I was out of town and did not expect to begin taking meds until starting with birth control on the 16th. They changed my protocol due to the timing of my cycle and this sped up our process.


April 16th 2016 - Began taking Estrace and Aygestin (Since I was out of town I couldn't start on the 15th, they adjusted my timeline and I was instructed to begin today)


April 19th 2016 - Ordered Stim Medications/Injections from Integrity RX Pharmacy. ($900.00 w/Discounts)


April 28th 2016 - Begin of new cycle.
April 29th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood work
April 30th 2016 - Begin Stims - 75 Menopur, 125 Gonal F.
May 3rd 2016 - Ultrasound and Bloodwork
May 5th 2016 - Add Cetrotide in addition to Menopur and Gonal F.
May 8th 2016 - Last day for stims!
May 9th 2016 - Trigger Shot (Ovidrel) at 10pm
May 11th 2016 - Egg Retrieval 10am (Retrieved 32 eggs!)
May 12th 2016 - First Emryo Update (22 mature, 20 fertilized)
May 16th 2016 - Day 5 update (16 embryos made it to day 5 blastocyst and have been frozen and samples have been sent for PGD/PGS Results!)




May 22nd 2016 - New cycle began (Earlier than expected)
May 24th 2016 - Began birth control pills.
May 31st 2016 - First Acupuncture Appointment
June 2nd 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 8th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 10th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 12th 2016 - Last Birth Control Pill.
June 14th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 16th 2016 - New Cycle began
June 16th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 17th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood Work.
June 18th 2016 - Begin Estrace, once a day.
June 22nd 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC, Increase Estrace, twice a day, Acupuncture appointment.
June 25th 2016 - Increase Estrace, three times a day, Begin Estrogen Patch, Begin baby aspirin once a day.
June 27th 2016 - Ultrasound and blood work at RRFC
June 28th 2016 - Acupuncture appointment
June 30th 2016 - Continue Estrace, Patch, Asprin, Prenatal, Add Crinone and PIO (Progesterone in Oil injection)
July 2nd 2016 - Added Medrol to the medication list.
July 5th 2016 - Transfer day! Transferred 1 healthy baby boy 5BB blast.
July 18th 2016 - Beta #1: 4.5
July 20th 2016 - Beta #2: 7.5
July 22nd 2016 - Beta #3: 3.


Result of IVF Round Two: Failed. Chemical Pregnancy.

IVF - Round Two Begins

Our first round of IVF failed in January. Typically when this happens the next step would be to transfer another embryo. Since we only had the one to transfer from our last round, that wasn't an option for us. We would have to start all over. I was so completely physically and mentally exhausted and was already pushing myself too far with everything in general. In February I made a choice to delay beginning a new round for a month or so to focus on myself. I made a plan and am proud to say that I was able to see it all through. Ironically, I took more on, which I debated if it was the right choice or not since it seemed contradictory. I'm so glad that I did, I'm even more proud that I saw it through.


Getting a new boxer puppy was one of the first decisions we made. There have been more than a few times that I seconded guessed if this was a good choice or not. I mean, another puppy?! While our house is currently inhabited by two perfect pups who are quiet and listen and need zero supervision? In a weird way, I wanted the chaos. Our house being so still and quiet is exactly what gets to me sometimes because we should have a crazy 2 year old running around and possibly another sibling. The silence hurts sometimes, but to change it with a puppy who cant be trusted and immediately tries to chew on the stone of your fireplace, swallow rocks, and is peeing in the house....... Uh... What did we do!? We've had her for 9 weeks now and honestly could not be more proud of how smart and obedient she already is. She was potty trained fully within two weeks. She can already be left out of a kennel, and knows basic commands (Sit, Stay, Lay Down, and Shake).  I'm really looking forward to taking her out for walks, hiking, camping, etc. I feel like we've all been on house arrest because she's still waiting on a final round of shots before she can leave the house. I love the energy she brought to our home. I love the puppy she brings out of Cassius (our older boxer). I love how different she is from our other two pups. I'm so happy about our new little lady Laila. :) She was absolutely the breath of fresh air we needed.
                                  



Apparently because I like torture, I signed up for the RAW Fitness Challenge 6 week fitness program to lose some of the extra weight from our last round. It was 6 solid weeks of a very strict meal plan (No drinking, no dairy [Ugh, no ICE CREAM? Or milk for my daily coffee!?] limited carbs, and no cheat meals. I was being very very "hangry" during this time, Justin was such a trooper dealing with me. It was hard to spend so much time cooking, prepping, dishes, eating on a strict schedule every three hours and planning our days around it. Oh how I missed our weekends of date night dinners. It also required at least 4 days of their boot camp workouts. I went five days, and started adding in 40 minutes of cardio following the boot camp and even a few Saturdays! Who am I, right!? And again, Why do I choose to take more on!? BUT - I DID IT. I lost the 20 lbs and was fully reimbursed cost wise for program because I met the goal. I cannot tell you how emotional I was. To work so hard for something that ACTUALLY paid off... I needed that so much. I felt so empowered, strong and proud.


My birthday month is April. The fitness challenge finished the week before my birthday. We made plans to get away. We used to always have so many camping trips, California vacations, Disneyland experiences, and more. With the financial burden of IVF, that was all pretty much non existent. We made the decision to plan a cheap, simple quick trip to California to visit the newly opened Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios Hollywood and to visit a few beaches in the area. It was SO nice to have a blocked amount of time to not have any responsibilities, stress, protocols, schedules or worries. The trip was amazing. We got to stroll around the village shops of Hogsmeade like children, roam the Hogwarts™ castle, drink butterbeer, eat gourmet food, and goof around. We watched The Jungle Book opening night at City Walk while binging on popcorn and lemon heads from Honeydukes. We played bocce ball on the sands of Huntington Beach. We searched for marine life in the tide pools of Little Corona. We visited Downtown Disney to dine at ESPN zone and simply inhale the magical air (a must).
                              
                               




Everything was ignorantly perfect. All of our baby making stress was on hold. Our plan was to begin the second round when we returned home. I was on a plan to begin birth control so they could monitor my cycle to start stim shots with the following cycle. Imagine my surprise when I get a call (while on vacation) that I was to start two medications that same day. Well, that escalated quickly, and so much for being stress free!


All this time I've been putting off preparing mentally to go into another whole round. All the waiting, and hormones, and shots, and restrictions, and wondering and waiting for test results, and just all of it.... Now we are on our last day of paradise and its like nope, IVF time! I'm not sure why my protocol was changed, but it sure did speed things up! But, as of my birthday, we officially started round two. I'm currently on  Estrace and Aygestin twice a day for a little over a week, and will start injections late next week or so. I am so beyond thankful that I have a different insurance this round that will help with over 60% of costs. I'm so glad to be at such a better, healthier place physically and weight wise. I'm so happy to have had a break to feel like myself again and enjoy time with my husband feeling carefree. I'm sure this wont be easy, but I hope this round is at the least, successful. I feel less anxious and stressed (most of the time) about it. I just hope the calmness lasts. So, here goes, Round Two (and most likely our last) of IVF with PGD. Wish us all the luck!