The Rainbow

Our rainbow baby (A rainbow baby is born shortly after the loss of another baby. Its meant to signify the rainbow after a storm.) was born in June. My husband and I found that we are carriers for an extremely rare genetic condition after the unexpected passing of our affected first born son, Liam James, in 2014. After some defeating additional tries, we decided to go through IVF to try and have another child. After two stim rounds, and three transfers, we were pregnant with a precious baby girl.


Our rainbow miss Quinn Ann observing the bear we had made from her big brother Liam's jammies.

 I documented the entire pregnancy - how it varied from my pregnancy with Liam, the different emotions it brought on, different scares, etc. I liked being able to compare the two experiences. This pregnancy I was more aware of what was happening inside my body and I felt so close to this child so soon. Especially after the scary points in the pregnancy, I was really happy to just have her growing inside me, just the two of us. It felt safe and I loved it. I didn't know what to expect with her birth. I knew it would be hard, I knew it would feel different, I just didn't know what to expect. I made sure to have private time set aside, with just the three of us, to feel everything I needed to feel after she arrived. The fears I had during the csection were more than I expected. The weight of how much everything could change so quickly for better or worse was too much for me to envision. I struggled with calming myself down.

Once they delivered her, and showed her to me, I just felt relief and numbness. I just didn't expect what happened next. It was surreal. I was so happy that she was out and safe, crying and breathing. She passed all of her tests and checks perfectly. She was brought into our recovery room with us and we just held her and stared at her. We did skin to skin. We let her latch to my breast to feed. She was perfect. I was so in love with her, immediately. I was so grateful that she was ours and here and healthy. I had all of the typical mom feelings for her new child. What I didn't expect was to also feel so much fear and detachment.

It took me awhile to realize that's what I was feeling. I'm sure it was brought on by grief, hormones, and horrific memories, but it was hard to understand. I would hold this perfect little child and feel distant from her. You can imagine the wave of guilt that also came with that... I was afraid to fully accept and let myself feel that she was mine. With Liam, It felt more and more like he was God's and just on borrowed time with us. I know we are all Gods children, but the fear of her being taken from us too, today, tomorrow, years from now, it was too unbearable for me to think of. I was afraid to fully feel all of my love for her because of how much it would hurt if anything would ever happen to her. I had a wall up. I love her, held her, smelled her, soaked her up but with limits. I'd look at her and want her so much but be afraid to accept that she was here and I had her and that she was healthy.

It took a couple days to understand what I was feeling and why I was feeling it. I thought maybe it was post pardon depression, and I guess in a way it could have been. Once I had a few days to figure it out, it was a matter of convincing myself that that's not a way to fully love. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. I had to tell myself, once again, that this is something we don't have control of. I had to look at it as every single second we have with her is a blessing and I need to open my heart all the way, despite the dark possibilities. Its the only way to love anyone. She deserves all of me, not part of me.

The first few days were hard. Sleeping the first night while in the hospital was hard. I was so terrified she wouldn't be here when I woke up. I had to talk to a nurse about it so I could feel comfortable enough to sleep. I was reassured how to lay her in her bed (even though I know how to lay her in her bed), and she agreed to check on us often. Every breath terrified me. Every moment made me question if it was "normal" or not. The fears of accidents that could happen started running through my head. When we came home I could not have been more relieved to be at our own home and to get to share it with her. But with that comfort came more fear about the fact that we were no longer surrounded by nurses and no longer had a safety net of any kind. Then when family and friends started visiting, my anxiety about germs and sickness went through the roof. I was becoming so overprotective and worried that it was hard for me to enjoy it. Even those that I knew were great with kids, even after watching them wash their hands and keep their distance, it just felt so scary.

Then we went through a period during the second week where I became so obsessed with her breathing (fast breathing) and all of the new sounds she would make. If there was a cough, gag, or coo I would think something was wrong. I took her temperature every time she did anything new, again, automatically assuming it was a symptom or just something out of the normal. It was almost like I as waiting for something bad to happen. After being reassured by amazing supportive medical professionals that she was perfect and healthy I could stop stressing about it and wait for the next symptom. At the end of each feeding I would worry that she didn't get enough, or had too much and would surely be throwing it up. At the end of each day I would feel like I didn't do a good enough job. On the days that we had to leave the house for doctor appointments I would feel so terrible for even having to take her out in the heat at all (even though the car would be started and cooled, she would have a fan on her constantly, and I had a cold bottle of water to use to cool her also if needed). Now that I'm sitting here today, at almost one month of her life, I can finally see how silly these things were. Its not at all to say that anything new still doesn't put me on edge a bit, but its so nice to see her developing and thriving and getting to enjoy it. Its good to be in a place where I can enjoy the good things instead of focusing on what could go wrong. I'm learning too, that as the days go by, there are more and more good things, more reassurance, more confidence, and less insecurities.

I'm pretty sure I will always be more dramatic, overly cautious, and slightly stressed out when it comes to our little baby girl. I know a level of this is true about any parent. I'm just not sure where that bar is set since we didn't get to experience normal with Liam. As each day passes I feel more and more reassured that we are making the right choices with her. Its been amazing to see a little more of her personality each day. I'm familiar with her different cries and noises and what they usually mean. I also accepting that she is ever changing and that almost every time I feel like I have the hang of something, she will grow and change and I have to constantly adapt to keep up with her demands.

I cant believe its almost been a month with her already. There's no measurement large enough to express the love I have for her. I still lay at night just watching her breathe. I just sit and stare at her during our morning feedings trying to figure out how she is so absolutely perfect. Shes growing and changing every single day. I melt when she stares into my eyes and I'm unable to look away first. I'm obsessed with her face, her smells and her sounds. I cant wait to see who she grows up to be. I'm so anxious to watch her hit all of her milestones. I want to spend every single one of my days with her. I'm so unbelievably thankful to be her mother. I have no idea what our future holds, but I do know that we were blessed with an amazing, beautiful and perfect little child. She has filled a part of our hearts again that have been hurting for a very long time. I will always have a place in my heart that's missing for Liam. At the same time, I'm honored and blessed to be able to experience motherhood again, especially to our sweet little Quinn. Its a complicated mix of conflicting emotions that aren't commonly felt together. I'm getting more and more used to them though and again, just beyond thankful to be where we are in life today.

Thank you for everyone that helped us along the way to this dream come true! <3

Quinn's Birth Story

Quinn Ann has finally made her debut into the world! After such a long journey, so many ups and downs, scares, triumphs, etc - SHE IS HERE! What a roller coaster... What a blessing. What a miracle. Here's her birth story.

Let me just start by saying, our original due date was June 15th. When I had my first child, I was a month early. I was so determined that I would not go past 38 weeks with this one. We were given the date of June 14th for our scheduled c section. Again, I told everyone that I would go into labor before that for sure. I even had things wrapped up around mid May to accommodate that. Its not that I necessarily wanted her to come early, I know that the longer they stay in, the better for everyone. I just prayed that she comes when she's good and ready to thrive on her own, and that Id be happy to carry her as long as she let me, but I was also not so subtly hoping shed come just a week or two early (selfish me). My entire pregnancy with Quinn was very different than Liams. She gave me completely different symptoms, she was very interactive, and showed her personality right away just by her movements and position patterns. I should have known she'd come right when she felt like it.

I couldn't believe it. It was June 13th, the day before my scheduled due date. I was just a couple days short of a full 40 weeks pregnant. My c section was scheduled for 5:30 PM the next day. I was dreading not being able to eat or drink anything past 9AM waiting for the surgery. I was sure it would be terrible. Since we were finally accepting that that was what we would have to do, we made a plan to get a HUGE breakfast that morning. I had a weird appetite that night and didn't even eat much. Justin and I talked about our plan for the next day and the few things we would spend the day doing as a distraction until it was surgery time. But - Quinn had her own plan.

I woke up the next morning at 1am with severe cramps. I figured it was just a bad Braxton Hicks and went back to bed to sleep it off... But I couldn't. So I ate one last tum (becaust a 1AM potty break was not complete withoug the overnight heartburn) and a last sip of water. Another 10 minutes  or so later, another one hit. I decided to time it now, since it was pretty painful. They were a clear 10 minutes apart with a light contraction in the middle of the 10 minutes. After about 40 minutes I wake Justin up... "Im pretty sure this is it babe, Im in labor" I told him. He wakes up and I tell him what was happening and while waiting for a few more contractions, I start getting ready... We call our OB and he tells us to head over to the hospital. We get there around 2:30 or so. Im thinking, Im scheduled anyways, they will give me something for pain and we will get this going! The epidural could not have come soon enough and the contractions were less than a minute apart and lasting longer than the break I had in between them. The epidural as much more painful than I remembered, but finally my pain was taken away and we were just waiting until 9am for our doctor to come and deliver. We both dozed off for about 20 minutes or so while waiting for the doctor. Justin and I just laughed about our "plan" to have her at a scheduled c section and how she made sure she still came at her own time. Not to mention, my big breakfast plan was not happening anymore, and I ended up going even longer without food or water this way. We also got alot less sleep this way... Quinn was already all about doing things her way.

Finally it was time to go back. I remember being so cold the whole time. I remember having so much anxiety the whole time. It was just still somehow so sureal that we were here... and that this little perfect miracle of ours was actually coming right now and that so many different scenarios could take place in the next few minutes. I tried to stay calm, but I was so overly tired, so medicated and so worried that Im pretty sure I brought on a few panic attachs where I felt like I couldnt breathe or was definately going to pass out. My oxygen and everything was fine, so Im sure I just couldnt calm myself mentally. Eventually they started surgery, I calmed down a bit after Justin told me they made the cut (and I didnt feel it - RELIEF) and just waited to hear that baby cry. I felt the release of pressure as they pulled her out, and heard her cry right away. I was calm... So calm I could barely stay awake. They lifted her up so I could see her and I couldnt believe she was ours, and that she was here. I was so numb from it all, emotionally. They took her away to be cleaned and evaluated. Justin kept me updated the entire time. The doctors worked to close me up, and I listened for updates on our little girl.

Quinn was born at 10:03 AM on June 14th. She weighed 7lbs, 9oz (Justin totally called the wieght exactly while we were in labor, we both were just laughing when they told us her wieght). She was 19.5 inches. She was perfectly healthy and absolutely beautiful. The flood of emotions that came during that short time was undescribable. Ill explain more on that later. They finished fixing me up, and we were all taken back to our own room to rest. The best part - Quinn came too! That was definately something I took for granted with Liam. With him I just expected him to stay in the room with us while I heeled like I had seen with others and their newborns. When I got pre eclampsia, and he was admittd to the NICU, I just had no idea all of that could be taken away so quickly. The fact that Quinn got to stay with us, and I got to experience skin to skin with her right away, and establish her latching on for breastfeeding right away (which she did SO great with!) was just such a joyous moment for me. Even though I could barely stay awake, I was just astonished at how well everything went and how happy I was.

After about an hour to ourselves to just pull our selves together and soak up our first moments together, we started visiting with family and friends. There was such an abundance of love and joy around us. I felt so grateful to share such happiness with my loved ones. There had been alot of sorrow and struggle for so long. Im so glad we kept trying, found faith again, and were blessed enough to bring this little dream into the world.

I was released two days later and we all came home together. Another dream of mine, and wow what an experience. Im so happy and lucky to be this little girls momma. Its amazing to feel like a mom again. Terrifying, but wonderful. IVF is a beautiful miraculous advancement in science. I know its not for everyone, and that alot of folks are against it. I never imagined going through it myself. But having this little healthy girl, knowing she wont suffer from our genetic disorder, I feel that it was the absolute best decision for us. Im just so thankful it worked for us, despite the time and trials it took to get here. It was worth every penny, every poke, every med, every appointment, and every tear.

Welcome to the world baby Quinn. Let the adventure of our new dream begin.

I know Ive said it a million times, but I want to thank everyone that helped us get here. Thank you for all your love and support. Its been a long road, but our little miracle rainbow baby is here.

Final Bump Update: Week 39

Week: 39
Baby Size: Pumpkin
Pregnancy Side Effects: Just... All of them... Lol but we are healthy! So its allllll good!
Bump Status: Ready to debut!

Currently...
Eating: My favorite snacks M&Ms, String Cheese, and meal wise... still Taco Bell (awful ugh), and seafood!
Craving: SUSHI
Drinking: Water, Gatorade
Wearing: Shorts and Tank Tops (Im pretty much out of outfits at this point... Its too hot to be cute, and shorts and tanks are pretty much my "go to")
Feeling: Good, just large and uncomfortable. The aches and pains still come and go. Im tired, but sleeping has been difficult, so we are just hanging in there.
Weather: We just had our last nice weekend in the 80s/90s. The temperature is just rising from here on out.
Wanting: To be home with Justin and our little baby girl.
Thinking: About our scheduled CSection day!
Enjoying: Working from home... Wow.. What a blessing! (Still 100% accurate)
Missing: Uninterrupted , deep sleep (I feel like that wont come back for a very very long time!
Doing: The last final cleaning and prepping before she comes!


Looking Forward To: The upcoming week!!!! I don't want to announce our actual scheduled C Section date, but it is soon! Im really excited that it is so soon! I also, equally, cannot believe that I have made it past 39 weeks! I really expected (and told everyone) that I would last like 37/38 weeks. Not only have I surpassed that, Im still feeling good, in great health, no signs of any pre-eclampsia or other health concerns, and little miss Quinn is still just as happy and content as ever! She just rolls and kicks and stretches around all day long! Shes super interactive, and its fun to know what gets her to react (foods, voices, lights, cold drinks, certain touches). I feel like Ive been pregnant forever! Especially with having gone through IVF, theres just been so much preparation up to the actual transfer and knowing that I was pregnant at the earliest possibly moment, all the way up to almost 40 weeks. It has been a long road, but I feel like its also been so enjoyable. Now that we are so close to the end result, Im just a BIT anxious!! Lol I know Ive talked about my fears of the actual delivery and Quinn and her health and just everything. I just really hope and pray that everything goes perfectly, and that shes perfectly healthy and happy. I hope the procedure goes safely as planned and I heal quickly. I hope for the little things that I previously thought were just expected or guaranteed, For example, I hope we get a chance for skin to skin contact after her birth. I hope Im able to spend the time necessary right away to breastfeed. I hope shes able to stay and sleep in the hospital room with us (vs the NICU), and I really hope that we can go home in 2-3 days after delivery. I expected all of these things with Liam, and one by one as each one slipped away, we adapted, we stayed positive, but those moments became that much more important to me. Im so excited to see what her beautiful face looks like. Im so excited to see Justin in his natural element again. So many things to be so unbelievably thankful for. So much happiness to come, and its all just right around the corner!!




Its been SUCH a long road family, friends, and followers! Please keep us in your prayers and your thoughts this upcoming week. We will deeply appreciate it. Thank you all, a million times, for all of your love and ongoing support. Im so excited to share such happy times ahead!!!