Our Twins: Birth Story

Twin pregnancy..... whew! My first two pregnancies were pretty smooth sailing. The last month was uncomfortable for them both but bearable. I felt really uncomfortable, started contractions and just like that - labor began. With the twins..... I feel like i was in labor for a MONTH.

My Dr told me around 24 weeks I’d start to feel miserable, I shook my head to agree but didn’t really believe him because my past pregnancies were very kind to me. The beginning of this pregnancy was the sickest I’d ever gotten but with that being a thing of the past, I felt confident that I’d carry these babies to hopefully 36 weeks and may just be a tad more uncomfortable. My OB knew i was taking his warning lightly and laughed. When I came back around 26 weeks - I had to admit..... He was SOO right. I was SOOOOOO done. I’m blessed enough to not have had any complications. We had some low fluid level scares that we learned later was due to positioning. Other than that, everything was great. But the symptoms started piling up... and the PAIN!

I seemed to have had it all. I couldn’t reach my feet, couldn’t bend, couldn’t eat much at a time, Braxton Hicks contractions, swelling (oh my gosh the swelling), pitting edema, fatigue, having to visit the bathroom every time I stood up (literally my bladder couldn’t stand the pressure of the babies at all), and all my muscles and joints just ached. I had reached the point where I didn’t have the strength to simply move. Any movement took so much effort. I couldn’t sleep at night, and if I did, I was quickly awoken by heartburn, reflux, or my need to visit the bathroom - yet again... then just sitting up, rolling out of my giant pregnancy pillow and off the bed, was such a task. I could go on for days, but it got tough. The last four weeks through were the hardest. I thought I was in labor so many times! I felt exactly how I did with my other two with the unbearable misery and nonstop contraction’s. They were 3-5 minutes apart in and off for four weeks. At this point I was having appointments twice a week, but everything looked great, so they stuck with my original due date - April 24th. They told me to watch for signs of preeclampsia because I’d had it in the past and it’s more common with twins, but I already had all the borderline symptoms. Eventually my blood pressure kept rising. Not enough to take action but enough to be checked daily. My OB was out of the state this week and I was deeply hoping to hold out until he returned. After hitting my limit and basically begging them to take them out, my sweet husband talked me down to wait until there’s an immediate need. Which I felt was the right thing to do, I was just desperate and frustrated. We returned home, again, and tried to enjoy the night. The next day was Easter! He knew how much I wanted to celebrate that last holiday with Quinn as it would be her final holiday with just us as a trio. We dyed eggs that night and Easter morning we had the best egg hunt, read scripture and enjoyed some sugary treats she’s never gotten to have before. I suppressed my symptoms (because well I had been feeling This way for a month now, they weren’t going away) and enjoyed the morning. I went to my appointment that day alone knowing I’d just be sent home, again. That’s where I was wrong, again!

My blood pressure was consistently  high and there were signs of protein in my urine. Since preeclampsia was happening again, we prepared for our c-section. I remember laughing as I called Justin. He would soon be calling his sisters to ask them to pick Quinn up so he could meet me at the hospital. The family was all together at a park to hunt eggs. All I could think of was the scene at the end of Steele Magnolias when Annelle goes into labor on Easter and everyone frantically running around. Thankfully, Justin was with me within 30 minutes and the process began.

First came the IV, then a spinal. The spinal is always painful to me and this time it made my leg spasm involuntarily and I didn’t seem to be numbing. I was flooded with the idea of all the possible complications..... I was so fearful of feeling them cut. Terrified. Luckily after a bit I felt numb, but it wasn’t until Justin confirmed that they had already made the initial cut that I could finally relax. I felt much better this time, not as jittery, cold or tired. I remember feeling so proud that I carried these two as long as I did, thankful that God granted us these children and so anxious to meet them.

Audrey came first and was raised over the tarp so i could get a glimpse of her. She was 5 pounds, 15 ounces. She took my breath away. Then she was taken to the table to be observed and cleaned. It was quiet. I remember hearing a cry, then looked over my shoulder to her table and noticed she was very still and quiet. I was in a frozen state of panic. I wouldn’t let my mind think or wonder. I put up such a wall so i wasn’t sucked back into the PTSD that followed what we saw with Liam. I kept thinking to not panic until I needed to and hopefully, I wouldn't need to at all. She will be okay and prayed. One minute later came Asher was out screaming away at 6 pounds 1 ounce. They held him up for me to see as well and I was in awe. Shortly after, Audrey was thankfully crying too. She was okay. Justin was running back and forth between them while trying to update me too. Soon both babies were brought to me over the table and I tried hard to accept that I actually had TWINS. Two perfect babies. They were here. The nightmare (for me) of getting pregnant, keeping the pregnancy and childbirth was over. These two completed us. We did it.

In the next few moments while they tied my tubes and closed me up, it was brought to my attention that they wanted to closely monitor each twin. Audrey specifically had low oxygen. I was taken back to my room to recover and Justin left with the babies. I’m not sure how much time passed, but it was hard to even get an update from Justin, and here I was, in a room alone with no babies or spouse. I was grateful to rest but I hated missing that time with them and was constantly worrying. I know they were being taken care of, but naturally I felt they should be with me. As a mom of loss, this was just too familiar and didn’t sit well. After an hour or two they brought Asher to me. He was breathing normally and seemed well. We laid there, skin to skin for hours. He nursed on and off, and we just bonded. Audrey on the other hand needed to stay in the nursery. If she wasn’t able to pass a few tests she would be admitted to the NICU. My heart ached. I know the NICU is wonderful, but I so deeply did not want to go down that road again. I just wanted my babies with me. After some prayer, and extra prayer from family, friends and our Grandma - Audrey passed her tests and finished a bottle which graduated her from the nursery! I’ll never forget when the door to my room opened and Justin wheeled her in. I remember asking “That’s it?! We get to keep her??!” I was selfish with her, only wanting her to myself. I felt so fulfilled with them both.

I thought I’d have a hard time with Asher reminding me so much of his brother. But it was actually Audrey’s face and characteristics that reminded me so much of him. I can’t explain it, but I remember it so well. They all seemed so similar yet so different from one another.

The next day Quinn visited and i was overwhelmed with emotion. I had so much guilt for leaving her and missed her so deeply. That was the longest she’d ever been away from us. Being so vulnerable in a hospital bed following so many months of being limited with her I wanted so much just to pick her up and squeeze her! Instead I took all her gentle cuddles as she met her brother and sister. I couldn’t wait for us all to be home as a family. I healed quickly and after barely sliding under the radar for some high blood pressure (happens to me every time after birth) we were heading home just two days later. What a blessing.

I felt different with the twins being born. With Liam I was going through the emotions, let everyone hold him, and just expected to have him forever. I was processing the new normal. Then after losing him things with Quinn were much different. I had a hard time putting my wall down and connecting with her. I was so scared to love so deeply again. I forced it because she deserved that love. And what a reward that was. Even with her minor health scares (laryngomalacia and reflux) and the roller coaster of surviving that first year with her in almost constant fear (Quinn was fine, the surviving was on me and my constant panic) She was a fantastic baby, but the worst memories haunted me with every hiccup that come along. Quinn showed us that it would be okay, she would be okay, and that we could relax a bit. When the twins came my heart was more open, more expecting. I felt more confident and comfortable. I was still so scared and had a tough time during their first month worrying about breathing and choking and just anything that could go wrong but they always get like home to us. I never in my life thought I’d have twins, but they feel so right for our family.

I also never expected to go through such a journey to get here. We started trying for our family in December 2012. After a miscarriage, having and losing Liam, another miscarriage, another pregnancy that we decided not to go through with due to the baby also having same condition as Liam, a full round of IVF, a failed transfer, another full round of IVF, an additional failed transfer, finally welcoming Quinn to the world in 2017 thanks to a successful transfer and finally our twins that debuted April 2019 due to our fourth and final transfer - I can finally say - Our Family Is Complete.

I can’t thank God enough for giving us this light at the end of such a long path, but I am so grateful for it. Our family is far from what some would consider a “traditional” one, but this is my family, it was so hard to get here, and I’m incredibly thankful to get to live out the rest of my days being the best Wife and Mama I possibly can to these beautiful souls.

Quinn's Birth Story

Quinn Ann has finally made her debut into the world! After such a long journey, so many ups and downs, scares, triumphs, etc - SHE IS HERE! What a roller coaster... What a blessing. What a miracle. Here's her birth story.

Let me just start by saying, our original due date was June 15th. When I had my first child, I was a month early. I was so determined that I would not go past 38 weeks with this one. We were given the date of June 14th for our scheduled c section. Again, I told everyone that I would go into labor before that for sure. I even had things wrapped up around mid May to accommodate that. Its not that I necessarily wanted her to come early, I know that the longer they stay in, the better for everyone. I just prayed that she comes when she's good and ready to thrive on her own, and that Id be happy to carry her as long as she let me, but I was also not so subtly hoping shed come just a week or two early (selfish me). My entire pregnancy with Quinn was very different than Liams. She gave me completely different symptoms, she was very interactive, and showed her personality right away just by her movements and position patterns. I should have known she'd come right when she felt like it.

I couldn't believe it. It was June 13th, the day before my scheduled due date. I was just a couple days short of a full 40 weeks pregnant. My c section was scheduled for 5:30 PM the next day. I was dreading not being able to eat or drink anything past 9AM waiting for the surgery. I was sure it would be terrible. Since we were finally accepting that that was what we would have to do, we made a plan to get a HUGE breakfast that morning. I had a weird appetite that night and didn't even eat much. Justin and I talked about our plan for the next day and the few things we would spend the day doing as a distraction until it was surgery time. But - Quinn had her own plan.

I woke up the next morning at 1am with severe cramps. I figured it was just a bad Braxton Hicks and went back to bed to sleep it off... But I couldn't. So I ate one last tum (becaust a 1AM potty break was not complete withoug the overnight heartburn) and a last sip of water. Another 10 minutes  or so later, another one hit. I decided to time it now, since it was pretty painful. They were a clear 10 minutes apart with a light contraction in the middle of the 10 minutes. After about 40 minutes I wake Justin up... "Im pretty sure this is it babe, Im in labor" I told him. He wakes up and I tell him what was happening and while waiting for a few more contractions, I start getting ready... We call our OB and he tells us to head over to the hospital. We get there around 2:30 or so. Im thinking, Im scheduled anyways, they will give me something for pain and we will get this going! The epidural could not have come soon enough and the contractions were less than a minute apart and lasting longer than the break I had in between them. The epidural as much more painful than I remembered, but finally my pain was taken away and we were just waiting until 9am for our doctor to come and deliver. We both dozed off for about 20 minutes or so while waiting for the doctor. Justin and I just laughed about our "plan" to have her at a scheduled c section and how she made sure she still came at her own time. Not to mention, my big breakfast plan was not happening anymore, and I ended up going even longer without food or water this way. We also got alot less sleep this way... Quinn was already all about doing things her way.

Finally it was time to go back. I remember being so cold the whole time. I remember having so much anxiety the whole time. It was just still somehow so sureal that we were here... and that this little perfect miracle of ours was actually coming right now and that so many different scenarios could take place in the next few minutes. I tried to stay calm, but I was so overly tired, so medicated and so worried that Im pretty sure I brought on a few panic attachs where I felt like I couldnt breathe or was definately going to pass out. My oxygen and everything was fine, so Im sure I just couldnt calm myself mentally. Eventually they started surgery, I calmed down a bit after Justin told me they made the cut (and I didnt feel it - RELIEF) and just waited to hear that baby cry. I felt the release of pressure as they pulled her out, and heard her cry right away. I was calm... So calm I could barely stay awake. They lifted her up so I could see her and I couldnt believe she was ours, and that she was here. I was so numb from it all, emotionally. They took her away to be cleaned and evaluated. Justin kept me updated the entire time. The doctors worked to close me up, and I listened for updates on our little girl.

Quinn was born at 10:03 AM on June 14th. She weighed 7lbs, 9oz (Justin totally called the wieght exactly while we were in labor, we both were just laughing when they told us her wieght). She was 19.5 inches. She was perfectly healthy and absolutely beautiful. The flood of emotions that came during that short time was undescribable. Ill explain more on that later. They finished fixing me up, and we were all taken back to our own room to rest. The best part - Quinn came too! That was definately something I took for granted with Liam. With him I just expected him to stay in the room with us while I heeled like I had seen with others and their newborns. When I got pre eclampsia, and he was admittd to the NICU, I just had no idea all of that could be taken away so quickly. The fact that Quinn got to stay with us, and I got to experience skin to skin with her right away, and establish her latching on for breastfeeding right away (which she did SO great with!) was just such a joyous moment for me. Even though I could barely stay awake, I was just astonished at how well everything went and how happy I was.

After about an hour to ourselves to just pull our selves together and soak up our first moments together, we started visiting with family and friends. There was such an abundance of love and joy around us. I felt so grateful to share such happiness with my loved ones. There had been alot of sorrow and struggle for so long. Im so glad we kept trying, found faith again, and were blessed enough to bring this little dream into the world.

I was released two days later and we all came home together. Another dream of mine, and wow what an experience. Im so happy and lucky to be this little girls momma. Its amazing to feel like a mom again. Terrifying, but wonderful. IVF is a beautiful miraculous advancement in science. I know its not for everyone, and that alot of folks are against it. I never imagined going through it myself. But having this little healthy girl, knowing she wont suffer from our genetic disorder, I feel that it was the absolute best decision for us. Im just so thankful it worked for us, despite the time and trials it took to get here. It was worth every penny, every poke, every med, every appointment, and every tear.

Welcome to the world baby Quinn. Let the adventure of our new dream begin.

I know Ive said it a million times, but I want to thank everyone that helped us get here. Thank you for all your love and support. Its been a long road, but our little miracle rainbow baby is here.

Final Bump Update: Week 39

Week: 39
Baby Size: Pumpkin
Pregnancy Side Effects: Just... All of them... Lol but we are healthy! So its allllll good!
Bump Status: Ready to debut!

Currently...
Eating: My favorite snacks M&Ms, String Cheese, and meal wise... still Taco Bell (awful ugh), and seafood!
Craving: SUSHI
Drinking: Water, Gatorade
Wearing: Shorts and Tank Tops (Im pretty much out of outfits at this point... Its too hot to be cute, and shorts and tanks are pretty much my "go to")
Feeling: Good, just large and uncomfortable. The aches and pains still come and go. Im tired, but sleeping has been difficult, so we are just hanging in there.
Weather: We just had our last nice weekend in the 80s/90s. The temperature is just rising from here on out.
Wanting: To be home with Justin and our little baby girl.
Thinking: About our scheduled CSection day!
Enjoying: Working from home... Wow.. What a blessing! (Still 100% accurate)
Missing: Uninterrupted , deep sleep (I feel like that wont come back for a very very long time!
Doing: The last final cleaning and prepping before she comes!


Looking Forward To: The upcoming week!!!! I don't want to announce our actual scheduled C Section date, but it is soon! Im really excited that it is so soon! I also, equally, cannot believe that I have made it past 39 weeks! I really expected (and told everyone) that I would last like 37/38 weeks. Not only have I surpassed that, Im still feeling good, in great health, no signs of any pre-eclampsia or other health concerns, and little miss Quinn is still just as happy and content as ever! She just rolls and kicks and stretches around all day long! Shes super interactive, and its fun to know what gets her to react (foods, voices, lights, cold drinks, certain touches). I feel like Ive been pregnant forever! Especially with having gone through IVF, theres just been so much preparation up to the actual transfer and knowing that I was pregnant at the earliest possibly moment, all the way up to almost 40 weeks. It has been a long road, but I feel like its also been so enjoyable. Now that we are so close to the end result, Im just a BIT anxious!! Lol I know Ive talked about my fears of the actual delivery and Quinn and her health and just everything. I just really hope and pray that everything goes perfectly, and that shes perfectly healthy and happy. I hope the procedure goes safely as planned and I heal quickly. I hope for the little things that I previously thought were just expected or guaranteed, For example, I hope we get a chance for skin to skin contact after her birth. I hope Im able to spend the time necessary right away to breastfeed. I hope shes able to stay and sleep in the hospital room with us (vs the NICU), and I really hope that we can go home in 2-3 days after delivery. I expected all of these things with Liam, and one by one as each one slipped away, we adapted, we stayed positive, but those moments became that much more important to me. Im so excited to see what her beautiful face looks like. Im so excited to see Justin in his natural element again. So many things to be so unbelievably thankful for. So much happiness to come, and its all just right around the corner!!




Its been SUCH a long road family, friends, and followers! Please keep us in your prayers and your thoughts this upcoming week. We will deeply appreciate it. Thank you all, a million times, for all of your love and ongoing support. Im so excited to share such happy times ahead!!!

Bump Update: Week 34

Week: 34
Baby Size: Pineapple
Pregnancy Side Effects: Swelling in the hands, Light cramping, Typical aches and pains, restless leg syndrome sometimes, sleepy pretty much ALL the time.
Bump Status: Large, almost always moving and shifting around, hard (Ahhh Wonderful to me!)

Currently...
Eating: Whatever sounds good, when it sounds good. Lots of cereal...
Craving: Schlotzsky's!
Drinking: Water & Juice
Wearing: Maternity Pants, shorts, tanks, and kimonos are my favorites!
Feeling: Still relatively good! But the pregnancy symptoms are definitely making me a bit more uncomfortable..
Weather: It was REALLY warming up, we even broke 100 degrees, but luckly this week we are back in the 70s!
Wanting: To be on leave, at home, with a beautiful baby girl in my arms...
Thinking: About how soon all of this can turn in to reality.
Enjoying: Being pregnant and feeling so close to Quinn with all of her movements.
Missing: Sleeping on my stomach most...
Doing: As much walking as I can fit in, no more gym time, but lots of resting.
Looking Forward To: Our upcoming next few weeks! Things are going to be so exciting!


So, I don't think I've posted since our baby shower! We had our shower right around 32 weeks. Let me just begin with - WOW. Our house was FILLED with so many loved ones and kindness and PINK! I don't even know where to begin with thanking everyone for everything. This wonderful little miracle rainbow baby is so special to everyone already. She was definitely not "sprinkled" with love, she was FLOODED with it! She was given more clothes, blankets, diapers, necessities, toys, and keepsakes than I could have imagined. It took two hours to just get through the gifts. I swear I'm not bragging, I'm just so unbelievably thankful for all of our family and friends. We live in the same city as each of our families (divorced on both sides) live. So any family event like this, we are blessed to have SO many family members so close to us to get to share all of these moments with. Its so wonderful, and we are so grateful for it! The weather was beautiful that day, everything went smoothly, and I felt fantastic all day. It was a wonderful perfect gorgeous day. If you would have asked me to even envision a day like this a year, or even two years ago, I would have broken down in tears just trying to fathom it. Now, today, this dream is coming true.

The day following the shower was spent entirely with baby laundry (three FULL loads), organizing, cleaning, and sorting through all Quinn's things. It was all I wanted to do for months! I didn't exactly mean to knock it all out in one day, but let me just tell you, that day was way too much fun for me! I got all of everything done that I wanted! Her room is completely complete!


Now during this 34th week, pregnancy is starting to get just a little heavier... I have an OB appointment this week, and every week from here on out. I'm starting to feel more weighed down, having more random aches and pains (all normal), restless leg syndrome while I'm trying to sleep or rest, nausea, my appetite is still very up and down, started swelling a bit, still always sleepy, and uncomfortable. None of these are that bad, but I'm definitely feeling the weight of them all, more. I don't remember feeling more like this with Liam until 36 weeks... So I guess it just comes with the territory! I'm just happy to still be feeling this well.


Its so surreal to think how soon Quinn can be here. I'm so excited for her, to see her and smell her and hold her and love her! This time a year ago we were just getting ready for another egg retrieval for our second full round of IVF. We had no idea from then to now that we would have another failed transfer, followed by a third transfer that would result in this wonderful miraculous pregnancy. I'm so happy to be where we are now.


Thank you all for sharing all of this happy with us! Thank you for all your love and support as always!

Bump Update: 32 Weeks

Week: 32
Baby Size: Head of Lettuce
Pregnancy Side Effects: Sleepy all the time,
Bump Status: Bigger and Bigger!

Currently...

Eating: Sunflower seeds, & Salads (with wayyy more ranch than I'd like to admit)...
Craving: Nachos, Café Rio
Drinking: Water and Decaf Iced Black Tea!
Wearing: Maternity pants, Regular tops, etc.
Feeling: Really great still! I had some more ligament pain for a couple days, but besides that, Im just still usually tired, but physically feel great.
Weather: Besides the nasty wind that has still be circling around, its been beautiful weather around the 70s and 80s. Im hoping it lasts for our baby shower this weekend!
Wanting: To do baby laundry, nest, organize, and clean!
Thinking: About our baby shower, and hoping my pregnancy brain hasn't affected much of its plans...
Enjoying: The weather, this big belly, and this sweet baby girl with all of her movements and interactions.
Missing: I really cant think of too much to miss... The things I'd think to miss like wine, caffeine, some of the foods Ive given up for pregnancy I really don't miss because I remember how much I resented having them all the time I was trying so hard to get pregnant.
Doing: Still trying to make enough time for the gym, going on walks, enjoying time with our family and friends.
Looking Forward To: Our baby "sprinkle" this weekend!

Oh how the time has flown! The last two weeks have been so exciting. I've been feeling great, so great, that we opted to take a quick little "baby moon" to California to spend some time at the beach and so some shopping and dreaming at Downtown Disney. We had beautiful weather, great company, and some very memorable moments. We spent time at Newport Beach, had lunch at Ruby's on the pier, built sandcastles and basked in the sun. We also spent a lot of time in the World of Disney store at Downtown Disney looking at baby toys and clothes and picked up a few things for Quinn and her nursery. A wonderful, wonderful getaway.

When we arrived back home, we had an OB appointment during which we got to measure Quinn's growth! Towards the end of the 30th week she was measuring at a healthy 3lb 8oz. We tried to get 3d/4d photos of her but like usual, she loves to hide. This time she had her head turned into my hip and was holding her feet in front of her face with her hands! She had been getting the hiccups every day for over the past week. Liam had only gotten the hiccups once during his pregnancy so I was growing concerned with the frequency she was getting them. Sometimes it would be more than once a day. Against my better judgment I googled and found horror stories of course. I asked our OB during our appointment and he reassured me that all was well, this was actually a great sign and its very common. This made me feel so much better, but I still just feel the natural need to soothe and comfort her when she gets them. I am however so glad that she is progressing so well. I just know that Ill have more scares like this, and will probably overreact, and hope that I will always have the resources and family around me to bring me back to center.

We even found time to make some time to take maternity photos! We didn't take photos like this with Liam, mostly because the typical "maternity shoot" style of photos Im not a big fan of, But after having Liam, I did regret not taking any. I wanted to make sure I did for this pregnancy. My sister was gracious enough to capture some of the most amazing moments for us. She was able to incorporate everything we wanted - everything centered around Quinn of course,  Liam, our pups, this rainbow pregnancy and more.

My birthday was on Easter this year. This was also such a nice time for us. Justin woke me up to a Easter egg hunt throughout the house with the eggs that we dyed the night before. Then he made me breakfast, and we enjoyed the weather and some errands. We had Coldstone Ice Cream for lunch (since my appetite is usually gone by the normal time to eat dessert) and we spent the evening with family for Easter. Quinn decided to be super interactive with everyone that day too. She let everyone feel her moving around, and even played with a flashlight in front of them all. I feel so close to her personality already. This is just such a beautiful time during pregnancy, and Im just so grateful of every moment of it.

April has brought so many good times and blessings to us! Now we await the weekend to celebrate our little girl!! Thank you all for your continued love and support! We love you all!

Bump Bliss: 10 Weeks

Week: 10
Baby Size: Hershey Kiss
Pregnancy Side Effects: Nausea, Food Aversions, Exhaustion, Embarrassing Emotional Crying Bursts...
Bump Status: Bloat... But The Bottom Of My Stomach Is Feeling Harder!

Currently...
Eating: English Muffins, Fruits, Veggies, Pizza
Craving: Mashed Potatoes w/Gravy, Sushi, Pizza
Drinking: Iced Water, Decaf Green Tea, Juice
Wearing: Jeans, Hoodies, Leggings, Jammies
Feeling: SO Happy, Thankful, Grateful, Tired, Hungry
Weather: Cold Crisp Mornings With Beautiful Sunrises, Really Enjoying The Weather Cooling Down. :)
Wanting: A Vacation
Thinking: About Names, Nursery Ideas, Holidays
Enjoying: Being Pregnant Period
Missing: Energy and Motivation
Doing: Work, Etsy Designs, Gym, Lots Of Relaxing With My Pups and Husband
Looking Forward To: Thanksgiving, Our First OB Appointment, Hitting The 12 Week Mark


As of Monday November 14th (9 weeks along) we graduated Red Rock Fertility Center and will now begin seeing a regular OB! I was also finally instructed to stop all my medications ( I was still on estrogen 3x a day, estrogen patches, & progesterone shots) except for my prenatal and baby aspirin. Baby looks healthy and is growing perfectly! This was a milestone I so badly wanted to reach! It was such a powerful happy day. This pregnancy has been a roller coaster, but is calming down, and going GREAT.


My previous pregnancies, I was nauseas like clockwork at 6 weeks, and lasted for only 1 week, happened during the morning only, and was manageable with ginger gum. This pregnancy, I have been nauseas since week six, it lasts almost all day, my Dr gave me a prescription to manage it, and I still have it in waves at 10 weeks. My previous pregnancies, there wasn't a lot of food that really turned me off, I just preferred fruits and vegetables. I drank almost 3 liters of water a day, and one Juicy Juice box a day. This pregnancy, this Hershey Kiss Baby, HATES meat and almost all food. I have never experienced such food aversions. I typically LOVE room temperature water over iced water. This baby will only accept iced water which makes it harder to drink as much as I should. Food-wise, nothing hardly ever sounds good. The second something does sound good, I try to indulge, but it usually ends in me just never wanting that particular food again. I'm usually ALWAYS starving... Its added a lot of challenges to our normal meal prepping and planning. But! As of this week, I've learned that the baby likes hard boiled egg whites, fruits and vegetables so that is what we will have. Along with a pack of Gushers every now and then because well, lets face it, this baby does take after its mother a bit already too....... ;) Overall, This pregnancy has been great to me. As the weeks go by I'm finding more and more peace and confidence that's slowing taking the place of fear and anxiety. I know Ill never feel carefree and easy going during any pregnancy again, but I'm really grateful to be at a place where I'm not panicking and over analyzing every twinge and symptom anymore. I've been so hesitant to share and be open with the pregnancy part of this journey so far. Its still surreal and I still have tears when I really let myself believe that its happening and that in June of next year we could actually have a newborn home with us, healthy and happy. I could bask in those dreams all day. But for some reason its harder for me to accept that it could actually be finally happening in our real lives. I've been trying to just really let my guard down and accept that I can be happy and relieved, but the realist in me knows how quickly everything could change. I know I shouldn't think like that, and Its not what I focus on, the fear is just always there. It just constantly forces me to remind myself of everything I have to be happy and thankful for today, everyday and for where I am now. I'm thankful for each and every day I'm pregnant with this amazing little miracle baby. I love watching his/her progress through sonogram. Love seeing how much he/she grows each visit. I'm really looking forward to going back to my previous OB and seeing our little one again on Monday. <3


Pregnancy after miscarriage is different. Pregnancy after losing a child is different. Pregnancy via IVF is different. But here we are. Living and embracing it. I'm so thankful that IVF worked for us. I'm so thankful to be pregnant. I'm really looking forward to the season upon us and the upcoming holidays. Its refreshing to be so purely happy.


A million times, thank you all. We love you all. I look forward to sharing many happy bump updates with you all!

Our (BFP) Big Fat Positive!

Third time's the charm they say.... Lucky number seven they say.... This was our 3rd round of IVF and 7th conception overall. Ive noticed that I have been writing a lot less this round. I would honestly account it to sheer fear and exhaustion. Im so happy and thankful to say that this round was successful! We got our Big Fat Positive! Now that the tension is a bit relieved, Id love to share the past few weeks.


Our transfer was on Tuesday September 27th. I remember numbly walking through it all but at the same time having a lighter and positive feeling about it. Typically, I'd be the first to write about that... However, it scared me too much, and was too hard to do. I felt hopeful the first time. The second time, I felt even more positive and optimistic. It was harder and harder to believe in these feelings let alone share them. So I didn't. We went through the transfer, and it went great! We transferred two little embryos - one boy and one girl. Then we went home to relax and hide the fact that we were both anxious and terrified and desperate to know how this would play out.


During the two week wait I avoided cold drinks and foods (ice cream, shakes, smoothies, iced drinks), I wore socks to keep my feet warm constantly, I drank a V8 every morning to ensure I consumed my daily amount of vegetables, I rested, and I avoided stress as much as I could. After about a week I would begin to feel a few symptoms, tiredness, soreness, etc. Some minutes I would feel so absolutely perfectly normal I was sure I wasn't pregnant. Other times I swore I was. Every symptom I did have, I had before and didn't have a good outcome. Each symptom was also a side effect from the medications I was on. I was scared to admit them, or believe in them. So, I numbly went through the next days just trying to get to the point where I could sleep so I could be another day closer to beta day (pregnancy test day). I thought about taking a home pregnancy test... I did in the past, but the first time they were negative, the second time there was a faint line and ended in a chemical pregnancy so I figured that if I did test at home the results would either crush me, or provide hope that could be a false hope that I still wouldn't know for certain was a real positive until beta day anyways. SO. To save my nerves - I held out. No at home testing. I decided to take that time to be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). Beta day would come regardless, and I would have to face the truth then. But, in this blissful meantime - I was pregnant. We even talked realistically about twins, often. I started to really enjoy the two week wait.


Beta day came.... We took the day off again so we could really absorb what the results were. We went in for blood at 8am. I asked the lady drawing my blood to "only take the pregnant blood please" which made her laugh, and gave me a little comic relief for the situation. I was terrified! I know youre supposed to be positive and have faith, and I had been praying so much and trying to understand so much and had really come to accept any scenario but really, really hoping that this would be it. That we could actually be pregnant and actually get to bring home a healthy baby that would grow into a child that would live a happy thriving life outliving us. I can think of it lightly like, okay, this is just a maybe scenario anyways, nothing is owed to us, this may not work, but we are so lucky to have this opportunity for this chance period. Then my emotions overwhelm me and the desperation kicks in and all I feel is how much I want and need this, how I want this for my husband, my family, etc, and I could never be close to whole again with out a child. It was just so much riding on a stupid blood test! So I tried to block it out, went home and waited for the call with Justin. And waited, and waited. I think it was finally after 3pm (aka 5 thousand years later...) that we finally got the call. We had a beta that was high enough to confirm pregnancy, and even better, it was a really high beta! That moment was indescribable. We just held each other and cried. We knew we still had a long way to go, but this was the best news we had gotten in a long, long time. Then we had to wait 2 days for another beta to make sure our hCG levels were rising as they should be. Another test, more doubt and fear, but also more good news!! Next we had to wait a week to repeat the same test, and confirm that my hCG was still rising even more. By this time I was just feeling tired all day and falling asleep by 9pm every night. A week finally passed and - again - great news!! Great hCG!


So next was a scheduled ultrasound to confirm that the baby/babies were where they should be, growing as expected and little hearts beating..... A few days before the ultrasound, I experienced spotting. I know for some spotting is normal, and pregnancy articles say it can be normal. Spotting has NEVER been normal for me... It has always indicated the beginning of a miscarriage. The amount of emotions that came over me demolished my efforts to stay calm and positive. They asked me to come in that day for an ultrasound to check everything. Luckily Justin was able to be there with me. We just hugged each other and prayed... It was very fast, and rushed but we saw one perfect little baby in there with a heart rate of 125! Measuring right around 6 weeks and 2 days or so. I couldn't believe it. At this point was it harder to believe good news over bad news? We were thrilled..... Just hearing a heart beat decreases your risk for a miscarriage. I just, I was so happy. They said not to be concerned with the bleeding and to come back in another week. Well, I had more spotting which set me back to my worrisome self. I was really looking forward to the next ultrasound. I would be 7 weeks and 5 days. My miscarriages would always be before or around 7 weeks. I felt like this was such a big milestone to get to. I had been feeling very nauseas, and very tired which were very reassuring to me. Any time I wasn't nauseas I was scared something was wrong.. Not to mention that I have still been on all my meds and have just been a ball of emotions through all of this.... So the day came, another ultrasound.... This one was longer. My Dr looked for the fetus and found it. She slowly measured and measured. Finally (since I was holding my breath the hole time waiting for this) she played his/her heartbeat at 144 bpm. Exhale. Wow... Everything is okay. Everything looks great! This little baby already looked so much bigger than last week! I mean, Ive seen it before, and you read about it on your "what to expect" app, but wow! It was really happening! We were astonished and thankful and just so so happy!



I was so scared to let myself really accept that I was finally pregnant again because I know how quickly it could end. I enjoyed each day for the gift it was but I couldn't really let myself dream of the future because I had so many worries. I had done it so many times before and the pain is torturous and hard to come back from. I honestly don't know how I made it this far sometimes. Im really thankful for how I feel Ive began to grow with God. Im also really glad for where we are now in life. To have this new hope and beginning we can enjoy. On November first everything sort of caught up with me... I noticed that wow... Its NOVEMBER. Where has this year gone.. Its going to be Christmas soon, another new year. For the first time in a LONG time, the idea didn't sadden me. I was actually looking forward to it instead of reflecting on what felt like more lost time. Im just so happy to be pregnant. I hope and pray more than anything that this pregnancy goes well, this baby continues to grow and thrive and that we get to take him or her home to live a happy and long life with us.


Thank you all again for following this crazy emotional roller coaster journey and for all of your love and support. Im looking forward to sharing this entire rainbow pregnancy experience with you!

IVF w/PGD Round 3 Timeline (FET Only)

July 29th 2016 - Began birth control pills.
September 3rd 2016 - Last Birth Control Pill.
September 7th 2016 - New CD1
September 8th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood Work.
September 9th 2016 - Begin Estrace, once a day.
September 12th 2016 -  First Acupuncture Appointment
September 13th 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC (Lining was a , Increase Estrace, twice a day,
September 15th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
September 16th 2016 - Increase Estrace, three times a day, added Viville Patch, and low dose Aspirin.
September 19th 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC. Lining was at 6.3mm. Dr added additional dose of Estrace (4 total) a day.
September 20th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
September 22nd 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC. Lining was at 8.7mm. Dr was happy with lining, Estrace went back down to 3x a day. Transfer Date was set for 9/27. Began Crinone and the progesterone in oil injection to daily meds.
September 27th 2016 - TRANSFER DAY! - We had an acupuncture appointment a few hours before our transfer. We transferred a 5AB-XX (Girl) and 5BB-XY (Boy). Then we were back home for two full days of rest.
September 30th 2016 - Hormone Check, Progesterone 29.58, Estradiol 417.6.





October 10th 2016 - Pregnancy Test Day/Beta, First beta was 1204!!!! BFP!

Round 3 Transfer Day!

Third time's the charm??? Lucky number 7th pregnancy/attempted pregnancy!? I'm hoping these numbers are a good sign!
This round has been even more relaxed that the previous. I used to have so much anxiety throughout the day just about remembering all of my meds at their right times. I would wake up in complete panic and shock thinking I messed something up, or forgot to take something. Its just so much to remember; 1 prenatal a day, 1 baby aspirin a day, Estrace morning, afternoon and night, Crinone insert in the morning, Viville patch (wear daily, switch to a new patch every three days) and Progesterone injection at night - I mean, Its ALOT to remember. Each round has gradually been easier and easier. This round I feel like I've been in this routine so often, its been alot easier to manage. Definitely less stress and anxiety. We had a slight challenge with my lining thickness this round leading to our transfer. I was on additional Estrogen for a few days, continued acupuncture and we finally got to the 9mm lining milestone we were looking for. (YESss!) Another change this round was whether to transfer 1 or 2 embryos. My Dr wanted to transfer two our first round. Justin and I were fine with that until we really started looking in to the details. Twins would be challenging, but I know we could handle them (well, half "knew", half "hoped"). Especially after our history, two little baby pies would be an amazing blessing for us. Then we looked at the risks. The risks with myself carrying them, with my previous preeclampsia and associated high blood pressure the odds of preeclampsia and high blood pressure again was higher with twins. We also looked at all the risks that could effect the twins themselves, premature birth (which almost always leads to NICU stay which will be really hard to go through again. With Liam, even though the nurses were amazing, I just felt like he was being kept from me and we missed out on a lot of our initial skin to skin and nurturing experiences because we were separated) health issues from them not both getting the nutrition they need or from their positioning, and many many more very serious life threatening risks. I know this can just look like rare percentages on paper to some people, but to someone who has lived through and seen the worst of scenarios, it was too much. All of this was enough to abruptly change our mind, especially when we had so many odds and factors in our favor previously (My first transfer, my age, previously being pregnant and carrying full term, high grade embryos). Now after two unexplained failed rounds, it was time to reevaluate. My Dr and coordinator both suggested to transfer two. My Dr has had an incredible experience with success rates when transferring two, and with her moms that carried multiples in cases similar to mine. After a few weeks of getting opinions from a few trusted sources, researching and really, really weighing our options, Justin and I decided to transfer two!


So, we were now ready for TRANSFER!

On Tuesday September 27th we transferred a 5AB-XX (Girl) and 5BB-XY (Boy). Our transfer went great. I was more comfortable with the uncomfortable procedure. When you arrive for a transfer you are asked to have a full bladder. This part is easy right? Until, you have that full bladder and it takes 20 minutes for them to call you back, then another 5 minutes to change clothes, and another 30 minutes sitting in the room waiting for the Dr. To transfer the embryos, they bring in a little incubator with your little embabies inside. My coordinator uses a sonogram machine to give the Dr an image of my uterus, while she inserts a catheter to insert the embryos. So, Full bladder, the feeling of some one pushing down on my bladder, while having a catheter inserted, all the while trying not to pee on everyone!? Its uncomfortable to say the least. However, the process once they bring the incubator in, takes less than 10 minutes. This time I was very familiar with how everything would go and that put me at ease. After surviving an additional 10-15 relaxing period after (while still managing not to pee) we were ready to head home. Our transfer went great!


And now we wait! Now we wait and over analyze over every possibly symptom, twinge, and feeling, wondering if it worked! The meds continue in the meantime and Ill be spending the next two week relaxing, hoping and praying. Thank you all!

Some Truth About IVF

 

"Playing God is never good"   •   "Test tube babies"   •   "Too lazy to have sex"   •   "The earth isn't over populated enough"   •   "Why do people want to procreate that badly"   •   "23 is so young to be infertile"   •   "That's mother natures way of saying 'no'"    •   "Stop being selfish and adopt maybe"

 

When people hear the term "IVF" it could go a few different ways. Some know about in vitro fertilization from having experienced the process themselves. Some will refer to their story of a family member/friend/acquaintance that had used the method. Some briefly know the basics of the process and some are completely against it.


Before IVF became the method for my husband and I to use, I knew little about it: It was a method to get pregnant. It involved needles, sperm, eggs, a dish, a whole lotta cash and consisted of the woman being artificially inseminated. That was about it. I didn't really have a stance on it, I didn't think I would ever go through it. I knew some used IVF to solely select gender and I wasn't a fan of that, But that was really as far as I thought about it.

As many of you know, I'm currently in my second round of IVF (round one was unsuccessful). I've seen some articles trending about IVF successes and how more and more women are choosing to not be so silent about their journeys of IVF, infertility, and more.  The comments like the ones above are from articles about IVF and IVF success stories like the ones trending online with the newborn laying in a heart shaped consolidation of the injections and medications that were used to help them conceive via IVF. Some are happy and supportive while others are outraged. Recently I've become more and more aware of the "trolling" comments being left on these articles. Id LOVE the chance to share just a bit of insight to some of these misconceptions, rash judgments and pure ignorance.

1. IVF is used for SO many different reasons.
I cant speak for everyone, But I for one am NOT trying to make a "super baby" by hand picking the strongest DNA to have the fastest smartest child at the gender I so choose. I actually had a super baby. He was born naturally, perfectly healthy and beautiful in Spring of 2014. That was until a long spiral of unexpected events finally led to his passing away, unexpectedly in an ER surrounded by us and devastated helpless medical staff. His full story can be found here. We learned abruptly that we were both genetic carriers for a very rare usually fatal disorder. After another long series of unfortunate events, we chose to try IVF with PGD not for "selfish" reasons, but to have a child who wouldn't be in pain, and could live for longer than 65 short days. This is the case for many others. Many genetic disorders can be prevented by PDG while undergoing IVF. Other common reasons that IVF is used is Infertility, Fallopian tube damage or blockage, Ovulation disorders, Premature ovarian failure, Endometriosis, Uterine fibroids, Impaired sperm production or function, Unexplained infertility, Fertility preservation for cancer or other health conditions, etc.  Some people see infertility and reasons causing infertility lightly, but there are so many depths of pain and suffering that comes with it. There's really not a need for me to list every single cause that leads to perusing IVF. Just like there isn't a need to assume everyone is undergoing IVF for selfish reasons. You don't have to understand it to be kind.


2. Infertility Myths
This can happen at anytime, to any man or woman. Infertility doesn't see age or sex. Some couples are older in age when they find their partner to begin a family. Some realize only then that they are infertile. Quickly, time becomes a HUGE factor. Waiting and trying to conceive naturally for 2 years to then go see a specialist and begin IVF in hopes to be pregnant IF its successful the first round within an additional year... This time adds up fast. Its different for everyone. Infertility isn't due do a lack of trying.  Its nothing that is done incorrectly. Its not "giving up" after a few months. There are so many layers to it. Please stop disrespecting these women with blunt assumptions fueled by a lack of understanding and compassion for something that you would truly need to experience to understand.


3. Adoption
If I had a nickel for every time the miraculous obvious solution of "just adopting" was placed at my feet I could almost afford an entire round of IVF w/PGD, or even a full adoption in itself. I am completely on board with adoption. I believe it is a miraculous and very open hearted process and brings so much happiness to the world. I think it is so wonderful. I personally have not ruled out adoption. Just because a person chooses to try IVF for their chance at experiencing pregnancy and growing their family does not mean they will not later choose to adopt. Key word - CHOOSE. The sky is supposed to be blue, the grass - green, the sun - hot. Female cows produce milk, chickens - eggs.... See where Im going with this? Women were created to procreate, our bodies to create and support life. Its been embedded in our lives as soon as we start playing with dolls or observing how the world works. We are supposed to grow up and WE get to make families. Those of us that cannot, are ripped apart by this ability and choice being stolen from us. It should never be a choice for anyone else to take away. The fact that we have a way to try if we choose to is ours. It is not selfish to want to experience pregnancy grow inside you or to birth a child. Or to want to see your features and your husbands in them as they grow. Is passing on your own DNA 100% needed to complete a family? No. There are many ways to do this, and adoption is absolutely one of those wonderful beautiful ways. However, it is not anyone else's choice to make. Trying IVF shouldn't be shamed, and it shouldn't be labeled as selfish. We feel bad enough about our inadequacies. Believe me. Women who choose to sacrifice everything in hopes to bring new LIFE in to the world isn't the problem. Especially when those lives are SO so wanted.


4. Mother Nature and Playing God
Ill be completely upfront. After seeing what I've seen and the road I've traveled its safe to say that my faith has been rocky. I'm currently seeking God and trying to interpret his word for myself.  So please bear with my ignorance.  First, how could anyone assume that "mother nature" just up and decided "nah, not that one, she shouldn't be able to conceive" or is playing "duck, duck, infertile" with the population. Not to mention, "mother nature" is a personification, abstract, theoretical icon like "Father Time". As for the religion side of things, I can see how this can be interpreted in different ways. I refuse to debate but in my opinion I still truly believe a few things as it applies to my  specific situation. I do not believe that IVF means trying to "play God." I'm truly sorry for those that see it that way. I shouldn't have to say it, but of course, it hurts when people imply that God did this to me like a curse or an execution of his plan and I should just accept it. I don't believe that God did this to me. I believe in free will and that some things simply happen. We are only human. I still believe that if we are meant to have and carry another biological child then we will. If not, then we can visit the idea of adoption or adjust the expectations of our lives. I did however miss the part where it was opened up for judgment from everyone else.


5. Lets talk about sex...
You know, I do think that IVF will ultimately replace the act of intercourse. Absolutely. I mean people obviously ONLY endure it now to specifically procreate and those of us going through the thrill seeking adventure of IVF are way to lazy to partake in the act our selves. [biggest eye roll] Comments like this are just too ridiculous to entertain. In all seriousness, for some people the fact that a pregnancy could result from making love is one of the most beautiful things in the world. When that beautiful part is also taken out of such a meaningful act, it too hurts us. Intimacy at all is harder during this process because of all the restrictions and changes that your body goes through. Its another constant reminder of what we cannot do naturally. I truly wish it were as easy as just "having sex".


Each part of IVF is hard - the decision in its self, the cost, the risks, the success rates, the toll it has on a relationship, the roller coaster of hormone caused emotions, the injections, the procedures, the contracts that make you question things you never thought of before when it comes to what to do with your embryos, the waiting, the hoping, the physical toll your body takes from it, and so so so much more. If you're a fellow IVFer, my heart goes out to you. If you're not, I hope you never have to. Regardless, I wish there was more information that went "viral" about the truths of IVF and not the superficial test tube baby side of it. Even news stations and websites use degrading titles and headlines that set the wrong perception. It just adds fuel to the fire for conspiracy. Yes I understand the unethical way IVF could be used, No I don't agree with it all. People are so quick to have a firm stance on everything and feel overly entitled to use their freedom of speech to spew their opinions on to everyone. I'm not saying there's a right or wrong. I think you should absolutely do a little research and form an educated, well rounded opinion before feeling so strongly about something especially if it doesn't pertain to you or if you've never had to go through any of it yourself. IVF as it applies to the women that are simply trying to get pregnant and have a family - let us be. Just be happy for us, or at the least, kind - or respectfully  quiet.