My Dr told me around 24 weeks I’d start to feel miserable, I shook my head to agree but didn’t really believe him because my past pregnancies were very kind to me. The beginning of this pregnancy was the sickest I’d ever gotten but with that being a thing of the past, I felt confident that I’d carry these babies to hopefully 36 weeks and may just be a tad more uncomfortable. My OB knew i was taking his warning lightly and laughed. When I came back around 26 weeks - I had to admit..... He was SOO right. I was SOOOOOO done. I’m blessed enough to not have had any complications. We had some low fluid level scares that we learned later was due to positioning. Other than that, everything was great. But the symptoms started piling up... and the PAIN!
I seemed to have had it all. I couldn’t reach my feet, couldn’t bend, couldn’t eat much at a time, Braxton Hicks contractions, swelling (oh my gosh the swelling), pitting edema, fatigue, having to visit the bathroom every time I stood up (literally my bladder couldn’t stand the pressure of the babies at all), and all my muscles and joints just ached. I had reached the point where I didn’t have the strength to simply move. Any movement took so much effort. I couldn’t sleep at night, and if I did, I was quickly awoken by heartburn, reflux, or my need to visit the bathroom - yet again... then just sitting up, rolling out of my giant pregnancy pillow and off the bed, was such a task. I could go on for days, but it got tough. The last four weeks through were the hardest. I thought I was in labor so many times! I felt exactly how I did with my other two with the unbearable misery and nonstop contraction’s. They were 3-5 minutes apart in and off for four weeks. At this point I was having appointments twice a week, but everything looked great, so they stuck with my original due date - April 24th. They told me to watch for signs of preeclampsia because I’d had it in the past and it’s more common with twins, but I already had all the borderline symptoms. Eventually my blood pressure kept rising. Not enough to take action but enough to be checked daily. My OB was out of the state this week and I was deeply hoping to hold out until he returned. After hitting my limit and basically begging them to take them out, my sweet husband talked me down to wait until there’s an immediate need. Which I felt was the right thing to do, I was just desperate and frustrated. We returned home, again, and tried to enjoy the night. The next day was Easter! He knew how much I wanted to celebrate that last holiday with Quinn as it would be her final holiday with just us as a trio. We dyed eggs that night and Easter morning we had the best egg hunt, read scripture and enjoyed some sugary treats she’s never gotten to have before. I suppressed my symptoms (because well I had been feeling This way for a month now, they weren’t going away) and enjoyed the morning. I went to my appointment that day alone knowing I’d just be sent home, again. That’s where I was wrong, again!
My blood pressure was consistently high and there were signs of protein in my urine. Since preeclampsia was happening again, we prepared for our c-section. I remember laughing as I called Justin. He would soon be calling his sisters to ask them to pick Quinn up so he could meet me at the hospital. The family was all together at a park to hunt eggs. All I could think of was the scene at the end of Steele Magnolias when Annelle goes into labor on Easter and everyone frantically running around. Thankfully, Justin was with me within 30 minutes and the process began.
First came the IV, then a spinal. The spinal is always painful to me and this time it made my leg spasm involuntarily and I didn’t seem to be numbing. I was flooded with the idea of all the possible complications..... I was so fearful of feeling them cut. Terrified. Luckily after a bit I felt numb, but it wasn’t until Justin confirmed that they had already made the initial cut that I could finally relax. I felt much better this time, not as jittery, cold or tired. I remember feeling so proud that I carried these two as long as I did, thankful that God granted us these children and so anxious to meet them.
Audrey came first and was raised over the tarp so i could get a glimpse of her. She was 5 pounds, 15 ounces. She took my breath away. Then she was taken to the table to be observed and cleaned. It was quiet. I remember hearing a cry, then looked over my shoulder to her table and noticed she was very still and quiet. I was in a frozen state of panic. I wouldn’t let my mind think or wonder. I put up such a wall so i wasn’t sucked back into the PTSD that followed what we saw with Liam. I kept thinking to not panic until I needed to and hopefully, I wouldn't need to at all. She will be okay and prayed. One minute later came Asher was out screaming away at 6 pounds 1 ounce. They held him up for me to see as well and I was in awe. Shortly after, Audrey was thankfully crying too. She was okay. Justin was running back and forth between them while trying to update me too. Soon both babies were brought to me over the table and I tried hard to accept that I actually had TWINS. Two perfect babies. They were here. The nightmare (for me) of getting pregnant, keeping the pregnancy and childbirth was over. These two completed us. We did it.
In the next few moments while they tied my tubes and closed me up, it was brought to my attention that they wanted to closely monitor each twin. Audrey specifically had low oxygen. I was taken back to my room to recover and Justin left with the babies. I’m not sure how much time passed, but it was hard to even get an update from Justin, and here I was, in a room alone with no babies or spouse. I was grateful to rest but I hated missing that time with them and was constantly worrying. I know they were being taken care of, but naturally I felt they should be with me. As a mom of loss, this was just too familiar and didn’t sit well. After an hour or two they brought Asher to me. He was breathing normally and seemed well. We laid there, skin to skin for hours. He nursed on and off, and we just bonded. Audrey on the other hand needed to stay in the nursery. If she wasn’t able to pass a few tests she would be admitted to the NICU. My heart ached. I know the NICU is wonderful, but I so deeply did not want to go down that road again. I just wanted my babies with me. After some prayer, and extra prayer from family, friends and our Grandma - Audrey passed her tests and finished a bottle which graduated her from the nursery! I’ll never forget when the door to my room opened and Justin wheeled her in. I remember asking “That’s it?! We get to keep her??!” I was selfish with her, only wanting her to myself. I felt so fulfilled with them both.
I thought I’d have a hard time with Asher reminding me so much of his brother. But it was actually Audrey’s face and characteristics that reminded me so much of him. I can’t explain it, but I remember it so well. They all seemed so similar yet so different from one another.
The next day Quinn visited and i was overwhelmed with emotion. I had so much guilt for leaving her and missed her so deeply. That was the longest she’d ever been away from us. Being so vulnerable in a hospital bed following so many months of being limited with her I wanted so much just to pick her up and squeeze her! Instead I took all her gentle cuddles as she met her brother and sister. I couldn’t wait for us all to be home as a family. I healed quickly and after barely sliding under the radar for some high blood pressure (happens to me every time after birth) we were heading home just two days later. What a blessing.
I felt different with the twins being born. With Liam I was going through the emotions, let everyone hold him, and just expected to have him forever. I was processing the new normal. Then after losing him things with Quinn were much different. I had a hard time putting my wall down and connecting with her. I was so scared to love so deeply again. I forced it because she deserved that love. And what a reward that was. Even with her minor health scares (laryngomalacia and reflux) and the roller coaster of surviving that first year with her in almost constant fear (Quinn was fine, the surviving was on me and my constant panic) She was a fantastic baby, but the worst memories haunted me with every hiccup that come along. Quinn showed us that it would be okay, she would be okay, and that we could relax a bit. When the twins came my heart was more open, more expecting. I felt more confident and comfortable. I was still so scared and had a tough time during their first month worrying about breathing and choking and just anything that could go wrong but they always get like home to us. I never in my life thought I’d have twins, but they feel so right for our family.
I also never expected to go through such a journey to get here. We started trying for our family in December 2012. After a miscarriage, having and losing Liam, another miscarriage, another pregnancy that we decided not to go through with due to the baby also having same condition as Liam, a full round of IVF, a failed transfer, another full round of IVF, an additional failed transfer, finally welcoming Quinn to the world in 2017 thanks to a successful transfer and finally our twins that debuted April 2019 due to our fourth and final transfer - I can finally say - Our Family Is Complete.
I can’t thank God enough for giving us this light at the end of such a long path, but I am so grateful for it. Our family is far from what some would consider a “traditional” one, but this is my family, it was so hard to get here, and I’m incredibly thankful to get to live out the rest of my days being the best Wife and Mama I possibly can to these beautiful souls.
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