Happy Birthday - Year Seven

 

March 25th, 2021.

Today Liam would have been turning S E V E N years old. Another anniversary of his BIRTHday. Typically each year, I go through the familiar path of wondering who he would have been or could have been. What do seven-year-olds spend their time doing? What would he be into? What would his favorite color, sport, or food be? Would he be wild, strong, and energetic like Asher? Would he be particular, independent, and funny like Audrey? Would he be crazy smart, headstrong, and determined like Quinn? This year, I notice that among these wonders, I find myself thinking about who he still is to me today vs. who he could have or would have been.

When I think of Liam, I still visualize him as my sweet, curious 2-month-old baby whose face was full of new expressions. It's odd though, because when I think of him, outside of my memories with him, he feels more like an old soul. It's almost like he's more of someone old and wise you respect and look up to, similar to a teacher, coach, conscience, or even angel on my shoulder type of form.

Every time I have a “helicopter mom” moment – I think of Liam and feel comforted and accepted for trying to prevent every potential accident (even though, yes I know, is impossible). When I lose my temper – I think of Liam and can calm down and remember why I need to reset, and find more patience. When I feel my frustrations begin to boil over – I think of Liam and remember why it's important to realign my perspectives and reset once more. When I simply see a hummingbird fluttering closely, I think of Liam and feel like it's his way of saying "hello". He reminds me to slow down. He reminds me that it's okay to have PTSD when certain triggering situations arise. He reminds me of all the dreams I've ever had. He reminds me of every obstacle I've overcome to get to where I am. He reminds me of how quickly your entire world can change. He reminds me not to take things for granted. He reminds me tomorrow is never guaranteed. He reminds me to be kind and compassionate in all the ways, all the time. He reminds me to be extra grateful for my health and prioritize its importance. He reminds me that I am not in control. His life led me to learn many life lessons quickly that I was either too ignorant to see before or fortunate not to have to experience firsthand. 

 

Liam is also prevalent in other scenarios that make me feel less inspired and instead bring up more grieving feelings. When I hear “Oh you have your hands full” I think of Liam and how he is not being physically represented in our family. Every time Im asked “how many kids do you have” I think of Liam and whether or not I go into his level of detail to answer such a relatively easy question to this innocent unsuspecting stranger. When outsiders see me and my family, they don’t see the two natural miscarriages, our genetic disorder, the second baby boy pregnancy loss we had in 2015, the two rounds of IVF, the four individual embryo transfers, or Liam James - our first born (should be seven years old) son watching over us from above. We seem to be a family of five while we will always be a unique family of six. 

 

I also wonder how I explain this to my living children as they ask more questions. Today his photos are still all around us, and they know his name. Quinn grasps that we label him as her big brother but hasn’t connected it yet. She knows we do unique crafts to celebrate him and that we go to the park to see his tree and the special park to bring him flowers. She knows that we often grab two of the same Hot Wheel cars and leave one with him and bring the other home for her. The twins call him the “baby – night night” because hes sleeping in so many of his photos. Asher even pronounces “rainbow” as “Leeeeeummmm” (such a coincidence as he used to pronounce rainbow clearly.)

 

There's not a clear summary or ending punch line. No moral of the story or words of wisdom. Just another phase of our family story. Another chapter of Liam James and who he is today to us and what he continues to teach us. He continues to bring us to new people in similar situations. He is still so embedded in our family, and I love how his memory is so alive in them and all the people he touched. 

 

Baby Boy. You are so so loved. So missed. So remembered. We wish you were here with us but are so thankful to have you above us. <3 Thank you.

 

Happy Birthday. 

All our love - 

 - Mama, Dada, Quinn, Audrey & Asher

 

Our Twins: Birth Story

Twin pregnancy..... whew! My first two pregnancies were pretty smooth sailing. The last month was uncomfortable for them both but bearable. I felt really uncomfortable, started contractions and just like that - labor began. With the twins..... I feel like i was in labor for a MONTH.

My Dr told me around 24 weeks I’d start to feel miserable, I shook my head to agree but didn’t really believe him because my past pregnancies were very kind to me. The beginning of this pregnancy was the sickest I’d ever gotten but with that being a thing of the past, I felt confident that I’d carry these babies to hopefully 36 weeks and may just be a tad more uncomfortable. My OB knew i was taking his warning lightly and laughed. When I came back around 26 weeks - I had to admit..... He was SOO right. I was SOOOOOO done. I’m blessed enough to not have had any complications. We had some low fluid level scares that we learned later was due to positioning. Other than that, everything was great. But the symptoms started piling up... and the PAIN!

I seemed to have had it all. I couldn’t reach my feet, couldn’t bend, couldn’t eat much at a time, Braxton Hicks contractions, swelling (oh my gosh the swelling), pitting edema, fatigue, having to visit the bathroom every time I stood up (literally my bladder couldn’t stand the pressure of the babies at all), and all my muscles and joints just ached. I had reached the point where I didn’t have the strength to simply move. Any movement took so much effort. I couldn’t sleep at night, and if I did, I was quickly awoken by heartburn, reflux, or my need to visit the bathroom - yet again... then just sitting up, rolling out of my giant pregnancy pillow and off the bed, was such a task. I could go on for days, but it got tough. The last four weeks through were the hardest. I thought I was in labor so many times! I felt exactly how I did with my other two with the unbearable misery and nonstop contraction’s. They were 3-5 minutes apart in and off for four weeks. At this point I was having appointments twice a week, but everything looked great, so they stuck with my original due date - April 24th. They told me to watch for signs of preeclampsia because I’d had it in the past and it’s more common with twins, but I already had all the borderline symptoms. Eventually my blood pressure kept rising. Not enough to take action but enough to be checked daily. My OB was out of the state this week and I was deeply hoping to hold out until he returned. After hitting my limit and basically begging them to take them out, my sweet husband talked me down to wait until there’s an immediate need. Which I felt was the right thing to do, I was just desperate and frustrated. We returned home, again, and tried to enjoy the night. The next day was Easter! He knew how much I wanted to celebrate that last holiday with Quinn as it would be her final holiday with just us as a trio. We dyed eggs that night and Easter morning we had the best egg hunt, read scripture and enjoyed some sugary treats she’s never gotten to have before. I suppressed my symptoms (because well I had been feeling This way for a month now, they weren’t going away) and enjoyed the morning. I went to my appointment that day alone knowing I’d just be sent home, again. That’s where I was wrong, again!

My blood pressure was consistently  high and there were signs of protein in my urine. Since preeclampsia was happening again, we prepared for our c-section. I remember laughing as I called Justin. He would soon be calling his sisters to ask them to pick Quinn up so he could meet me at the hospital. The family was all together at a park to hunt eggs. All I could think of was the scene at the end of Steele Magnolias when Annelle goes into labor on Easter and everyone frantically running around. Thankfully, Justin was with me within 30 minutes and the process began.

First came the IV, then a spinal. The spinal is always painful to me and this time it made my leg spasm involuntarily and I didn’t seem to be numbing. I was flooded with the idea of all the possible complications..... I was so fearful of feeling them cut. Terrified. Luckily after a bit I felt numb, but it wasn’t until Justin confirmed that they had already made the initial cut that I could finally relax. I felt much better this time, not as jittery, cold or tired. I remember feeling so proud that I carried these two as long as I did, thankful that God granted us these children and so anxious to meet them.

Audrey came first and was raised over the tarp so i could get a glimpse of her. She was 5 pounds, 15 ounces. She took my breath away. Then she was taken to the table to be observed and cleaned. It was quiet. I remember hearing a cry, then looked over my shoulder to her table and noticed she was very still and quiet. I was in a frozen state of panic. I wouldn’t let my mind think or wonder. I put up such a wall so i wasn’t sucked back into the PTSD that followed what we saw with Liam. I kept thinking to not panic until I needed to and hopefully, I wouldn't need to at all. She will be okay and prayed. One minute later came Asher was out screaming away at 6 pounds 1 ounce. They held him up for me to see as well and I was in awe. Shortly after, Audrey was thankfully crying too. She was okay. Justin was running back and forth between them while trying to update me too. Soon both babies were brought to me over the table and I tried hard to accept that I actually had TWINS. Two perfect babies. They were here. The nightmare (for me) of getting pregnant, keeping the pregnancy and childbirth was over. These two completed us. We did it.

In the next few moments while they tied my tubes and closed me up, it was brought to my attention that they wanted to closely monitor each twin. Audrey specifically had low oxygen. I was taken back to my room to recover and Justin left with the babies. I’m not sure how much time passed, but it was hard to even get an update from Justin, and here I was, in a room alone with no babies or spouse. I was grateful to rest but I hated missing that time with them and was constantly worrying. I know they were being taken care of, but naturally I felt they should be with me. As a mom of loss, this was just too familiar and didn’t sit well. After an hour or two they brought Asher to me. He was breathing normally and seemed well. We laid there, skin to skin for hours. He nursed on and off, and we just bonded. Audrey on the other hand needed to stay in the nursery. If she wasn’t able to pass a few tests she would be admitted to the NICU. My heart ached. I know the NICU is wonderful, but I so deeply did not want to go down that road again. I just wanted my babies with me. After some prayer, and extra prayer from family, friends and our Grandma - Audrey passed her tests and finished a bottle which graduated her from the nursery! I’ll never forget when the door to my room opened and Justin wheeled her in. I remember asking “That’s it?! We get to keep her??!” I was selfish with her, only wanting her to myself. I felt so fulfilled with them both.

I thought I’d have a hard time with Asher reminding me so much of his brother. But it was actually Audrey’s face and characteristics that reminded me so much of him. I can’t explain it, but I remember it so well. They all seemed so similar yet so different from one another.

The next day Quinn visited and i was overwhelmed with emotion. I had so much guilt for leaving her and missed her so deeply. That was the longest she’d ever been away from us. Being so vulnerable in a hospital bed following so many months of being limited with her I wanted so much just to pick her up and squeeze her! Instead I took all her gentle cuddles as she met her brother and sister. I couldn’t wait for us all to be home as a family. I healed quickly and after barely sliding under the radar for some high blood pressure (happens to me every time after birth) we were heading home just two days later. What a blessing.

I felt different with the twins being born. With Liam I was going through the emotions, let everyone hold him, and just expected to have him forever. I was processing the new normal. Then after losing him things with Quinn were much different. I had a hard time putting my wall down and connecting with her. I was so scared to love so deeply again. I forced it because she deserved that love. And what a reward that was. Even with her minor health scares (laryngomalacia and reflux) and the roller coaster of surviving that first year with her in almost constant fear (Quinn was fine, the surviving was on me and my constant panic) She was a fantastic baby, but the worst memories haunted me with every hiccup that come along. Quinn showed us that it would be okay, she would be okay, and that we could relax a bit. When the twins came my heart was more open, more expecting. I felt more confident and comfortable. I was still so scared and had a tough time during their first month worrying about breathing and choking and just anything that could go wrong but they always get like home to us. I never in my life thought I’d have twins, but they feel so right for our family.

I also never expected to go through such a journey to get here. We started trying for our family in December 2012. After a miscarriage, having and losing Liam, another miscarriage, another pregnancy that we decided not to go through with due to the baby also having same condition as Liam, a full round of IVF, a failed transfer, another full round of IVF, an additional failed transfer, finally welcoming Quinn to the world in 2017 thanks to a successful transfer and finally our twins that debuted April 2019 due to our fourth and final transfer - I can finally say - Our Family Is Complete.

I can’t thank God enough for giving us this light at the end of such a long path, but I am so grateful for it. Our family is far from what some would consider a “traditional” one, but this is my family, it was so hard to get here, and I’m incredibly thankful to get to live out the rest of my days being the best Wife and Mama I possibly can to these beautiful souls.

Year Four

It's been four years since the day that forever changed my life. Four. We would have a FOUR year old. If only i could count the moments that i spend envision going what you could have been like. The memories we could have had. The people we all would have been. Let’s reflect for a moment where you might have been. I’d like to believe that you would have been an energetic healthy funny boy running around, bringing me bugs and flowers, loving Legos and books, showing interest in a sport or hobby, and just so so much more. In reality, if our son was still here we wouldn’t know what type of life he’d be leading at all. He would have been living with IIAC, and who knows what types of restrictions or complications that could have consisted of. Would we be traveling across the country to experiment with treatment? Would we have survived that? Would he would have wanted to spend his early life that way? Could we have had additional time with him if he had the chance to be diagnosed? So many what ifs. I think of them all, so often. 

What I do know, and reassure my self of often is that where he is now, he’s perfect, pain free, and happy. I just know it in my heart. I wish he could have been that way here with us as his parents, but that scenario was not meant to be. We miss him. I miss him. I would give anything to have him here happy and healthy with us. To know who he is, get his sense of humor, watch him learn things, experience things, go through all his firsts, just so so so many things. I could dwell on it forever. 

Accepting all of this separately from the other challenges in our life will be a forever process. I can’t believe it has already been 4 years. I can’t even say i remember much of the first two following his passing. The most recent two years were memorable because we were blessed with a thriving pregnancy and gave birth to a beautiful little rainbow baby girl. This also opened up a whole new chapter of emotion as we attempted to care for her outside of the fear that hung over us from losing Liam. I will share a few things I’ve realized now that we are at this place in our lives raising a healthy rainbow IVF baby after losing Liam after 2 months and experiencing additional pregnancy losses and failed IVF attempts. 

Nothing will ever replace Liam James. No matter how our family grows, he will always be missing from it. That will always hurt, always be in the back of our minds and we will always wonder what his place would have been with us if he was here. He will always be so incredibly missed. We will forever wonder who he could have been. His gravesite is still my least favorite place to reflect on him. I love how close I feel to him at Angel Park, or mostly at home. The same home we brought him to and got to make so many wonderful memories in. I love his little signs that I get to witness myself and also the signs that he shows so many others. I wish that I could see Quinn get to know him and watch them interact and grow up together. Losing him will never be fair or just. There will never be anyone to hate or blame. Accepting that was one of the hardest parts. I would prefer to use my effort and time focusing on the happy that he brought to our lives, remembering all the things he taught me and all the emotions he gave me. I’ll remember his sleepy smiles, his baby noises, cries, unamused faces and interested stares. I’ll remember watching Justin with him. I’ll remember his face recognizing ours. I’m thankful to have so much to remember. He will be my little two month old baby in my eyes, forever. 

Because of what we experienced with Liam, I am the an overprotective, stressed, dramatic, worried, cautious, overbearing, panicky helicopter mom. With Q, I count ounces, wipe down playground equipment, have her Pediatrician's personal cell number, hold her for the full duration of her naps, sleep with her in the same room as me, overreact when she changes while constantly thinking something is always wrong. We have had moments that should have been happy that I was so consumed by fear that were not enjoyed fully as they should have been. Sometimes one scare or trigger will send back such a powerful flood of memories and emotion it’s almost like you go into shock while trying to process it all. In that moment you are hit with the instant reality of how quickly a life can be taken. Not the fear of the possibility, but the fear of it actually happening, again. I strive to find that balance of normalcy. I believe we are doing the best we can. Because of this fear, I do believe we are able to love more deeply and purely. 

Children are an absolute blessing. I never thought I’d have a hard time having children. I’ve seen it come so easily or unexpected to so many people. I naively knew i would easily have them too. Despite everything - every single up and down, heartbreak, unexpected turn and miracle... All children are such absolute blessings. I thank the Lord repeatedly for giving me the gift to experience motherhood at all. I’m thankful for the time I had with Liam. I’m grateful to have Quinn and to get to spend each day caring for her and watching her grow. I’m so glad to be their Mama. I know we appreciate every moment so deeply now. The moments we had with Liam and the ones we have with Quinn. I know she is so unbelievably loved by so many. She’s watched over by her brother. Liam brought so much good into this world the day he was born. He changed all of us, for the better, forever. 

I know I haven’t written in awhile. It’s been so hard to find genuine time to put thoughts and emotions into words. I try to always make time to reflect around Liam’s birthday. It’s such a landmark of the course our lives took. It’s always more obvious to compare and think of what a different version of himself he could have been as he aged another full year. 

Happy 4th Birthday in heaven baby boy. Thanks for everything you’ve given me, taught me and left me with. Please always stay near us and watch extra over your little sister. You have such an impact on so many. You’re the reason for so much good in this world. You are so incredibly loved and missed baby boy. Thank you. Happy Birthday. 

The Rainbow

Our rainbow baby (A rainbow baby is born shortly after the loss of another baby. Its meant to signify the rainbow after a storm.) was born in June. My husband and I found that we are carriers for an extremely rare genetic condition after the unexpected passing of our affected first born son, Liam James, in 2014. After some defeating additional tries, we decided to go through IVF to try and have another child. After two stim rounds, and three transfers, we were pregnant with a precious baby girl.


Our rainbow miss Quinn Ann observing the bear we had made from her big brother Liam's jammies.

 I documented the entire pregnancy - how it varied from my pregnancy with Liam, the different emotions it brought on, different scares, etc. I liked being able to compare the two experiences. This pregnancy I was more aware of what was happening inside my body and I felt so close to this child so soon. Especially after the scary points in the pregnancy, I was really happy to just have her growing inside me, just the two of us. It felt safe and I loved it. I didn't know what to expect with her birth. I knew it would be hard, I knew it would feel different, I just didn't know what to expect. I made sure to have private time set aside, with just the three of us, to feel everything I needed to feel after she arrived. The fears I had during the csection were more than I expected. The weight of how much everything could change so quickly for better or worse was too much for me to envision. I struggled with calming myself down.

Once they delivered her, and showed her to me, I just felt relief and numbness. I just didn't expect what happened next. It was surreal. I was so happy that she was out and safe, crying and breathing. She passed all of her tests and checks perfectly. She was brought into our recovery room with us and we just held her and stared at her. We did skin to skin. We let her latch to my breast to feed. She was perfect. I was so in love with her, immediately. I was so grateful that she was ours and here and healthy. I had all of the typical mom feelings for her new child. What I didn't expect was to also feel so much fear and detachment.

It took me awhile to realize that's what I was feeling. I'm sure it was brought on by grief, hormones, and horrific memories, but it was hard to understand. I would hold this perfect little child and feel distant from her. You can imagine the wave of guilt that also came with that... I was afraid to fully accept and let myself feel that she was mine. With Liam, It felt more and more like he was God's and just on borrowed time with us. I know we are all Gods children, but the fear of her being taken from us too, today, tomorrow, years from now, it was too unbearable for me to think of. I was afraid to fully feel all of my love for her because of how much it would hurt if anything would ever happen to her. I had a wall up. I love her, held her, smelled her, soaked her up but with limits. I'd look at her and want her so much but be afraid to accept that she was here and I had her and that she was healthy.

It took a couple days to understand what I was feeling and why I was feeling it. I thought maybe it was post pardon depression, and I guess in a way it could have been. Once I had a few days to figure it out, it was a matter of convincing myself that that's not a way to fully love. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. I had to tell myself, once again, that this is something we don't have control of. I had to look at it as every single second we have with her is a blessing and I need to open my heart all the way, despite the dark possibilities. Its the only way to love anyone. She deserves all of me, not part of me.

The first few days were hard. Sleeping the first night while in the hospital was hard. I was so terrified she wouldn't be here when I woke up. I had to talk to a nurse about it so I could feel comfortable enough to sleep. I was reassured how to lay her in her bed (even though I know how to lay her in her bed), and she agreed to check on us often. Every breath terrified me. Every moment made me question if it was "normal" or not. The fears of accidents that could happen started running through my head. When we came home I could not have been more relieved to be at our own home and to get to share it with her. But with that comfort came more fear about the fact that we were no longer surrounded by nurses and no longer had a safety net of any kind. Then when family and friends started visiting, my anxiety about germs and sickness went through the roof. I was becoming so overprotective and worried that it was hard for me to enjoy it. Even those that I knew were great with kids, even after watching them wash their hands and keep their distance, it just felt so scary.

Then we went through a period during the second week where I became so obsessed with her breathing (fast breathing) and all of the new sounds she would make. If there was a cough, gag, or coo I would think something was wrong. I took her temperature every time she did anything new, again, automatically assuming it was a symptom or just something out of the normal. It was almost like I as waiting for something bad to happen. After being reassured by amazing supportive medical professionals that she was perfect and healthy I could stop stressing about it and wait for the next symptom. At the end of each feeding I would worry that she didn't get enough, or had too much and would surely be throwing it up. At the end of each day I would feel like I didn't do a good enough job. On the days that we had to leave the house for doctor appointments I would feel so terrible for even having to take her out in the heat at all (even though the car would be started and cooled, she would have a fan on her constantly, and I had a cold bottle of water to use to cool her also if needed). Now that I'm sitting here today, at almost one month of her life, I can finally see how silly these things were. Its not at all to say that anything new still doesn't put me on edge a bit, but its so nice to see her developing and thriving and getting to enjoy it. Its good to be in a place where I can enjoy the good things instead of focusing on what could go wrong. I'm learning too, that as the days go by, there are more and more good things, more reassurance, more confidence, and less insecurities.

I'm pretty sure I will always be more dramatic, overly cautious, and slightly stressed out when it comes to our little baby girl. I know a level of this is true about any parent. I'm just not sure where that bar is set since we didn't get to experience normal with Liam. As each day passes I feel more and more reassured that we are making the right choices with her. Its been amazing to see a little more of her personality each day. I'm familiar with her different cries and noises and what they usually mean. I also accepting that she is ever changing and that almost every time I feel like I have the hang of something, she will grow and change and I have to constantly adapt to keep up with her demands.

I cant believe its almost been a month with her already. There's no measurement large enough to express the love I have for her. I still lay at night just watching her breathe. I just sit and stare at her during our morning feedings trying to figure out how she is so absolutely perfect. Shes growing and changing every single day. I melt when she stares into my eyes and I'm unable to look away first. I'm obsessed with her face, her smells and her sounds. I cant wait to see who she grows up to be. I'm so anxious to watch her hit all of her milestones. I want to spend every single one of my days with her. I'm so unbelievably thankful to be her mother. I have no idea what our future holds, but I do know that we were blessed with an amazing, beautiful and perfect little child. She has filled a part of our hearts again that have been hurting for a very long time. I will always have a place in my heart that's missing for Liam. At the same time, I'm honored and blessed to be able to experience motherhood again, especially to our sweet little Quinn. Its a complicated mix of conflicting emotions that aren't commonly felt together. I'm getting more and more used to them though and again, just beyond thankful to be where we are in life today.

Thank you for everyone that helped us along the way to this dream come true! <3

Quinn's Birth Story

Quinn Ann has finally made her debut into the world! After such a long journey, so many ups and downs, scares, triumphs, etc - SHE IS HERE! What a roller coaster... What a blessing. What a miracle. Here's her birth story.

Let me just start by saying, our original due date was June 15th. When I had my first child, I was a month early. I was so determined that I would not go past 38 weeks with this one. We were given the date of June 14th for our scheduled c section. Again, I told everyone that I would go into labor before that for sure. I even had things wrapped up around mid May to accommodate that. Its not that I necessarily wanted her to come early, I know that the longer they stay in, the better for everyone. I just prayed that she comes when she's good and ready to thrive on her own, and that Id be happy to carry her as long as she let me, but I was also not so subtly hoping shed come just a week or two early (selfish me). My entire pregnancy with Quinn was very different than Liams. She gave me completely different symptoms, she was very interactive, and showed her personality right away just by her movements and position patterns. I should have known she'd come right when she felt like it.

I couldn't believe it. It was June 13th, the day before my scheduled due date. I was just a couple days short of a full 40 weeks pregnant. My c section was scheduled for 5:30 PM the next day. I was dreading not being able to eat or drink anything past 9AM waiting for the surgery. I was sure it would be terrible. Since we were finally accepting that that was what we would have to do, we made a plan to get a HUGE breakfast that morning. I had a weird appetite that night and didn't even eat much. Justin and I talked about our plan for the next day and the few things we would spend the day doing as a distraction until it was surgery time. But - Quinn had her own plan.

I woke up the next morning at 1am with severe cramps. I figured it was just a bad Braxton Hicks and went back to bed to sleep it off... But I couldn't. So I ate one last tum (becaust a 1AM potty break was not complete withoug the overnight heartburn) and a last sip of water. Another 10 minutes  or so later, another one hit. I decided to time it now, since it was pretty painful. They were a clear 10 minutes apart with a light contraction in the middle of the 10 minutes. After about 40 minutes I wake Justin up... "Im pretty sure this is it babe, Im in labor" I told him. He wakes up and I tell him what was happening and while waiting for a few more contractions, I start getting ready... We call our OB and he tells us to head over to the hospital. We get there around 2:30 or so. Im thinking, Im scheduled anyways, they will give me something for pain and we will get this going! The epidural could not have come soon enough and the contractions were less than a minute apart and lasting longer than the break I had in between them. The epidural as much more painful than I remembered, but finally my pain was taken away and we were just waiting until 9am for our doctor to come and deliver. We both dozed off for about 20 minutes or so while waiting for the doctor. Justin and I just laughed about our "plan" to have her at a scheduled c section and how she made sure she still came at her own time. Not to mention, my big breakfast plan was not happening anymore, and I ended up going even longer without food or water this way. We also got alot less sleep this way... Quinn was already all about doing things her way.

Finally it was time to go back. I remember being so cold the whole time. I remember having so much anxiety the whole time. It was just still somehow so sureal that we were here... and that this little perfect miracle of ours was actually coming right now and that so many different scenarios could take place in the next few minutes. I tried to stay calm, but I was so overly tired, so medicated and so worried that Im pretty sure I brought on a few panic attachs where I felt like I couldnt breathe or was definately going to pass out. My oxygen and everything was fine, so Im sure I just couldnt calm myself mentally. Eventually they started surgery, I calmed down a bit after Justin told me they made the cut (and I didnt feel it - RELIEF) and just waited to hear that baby cry. I felt the release of pressure as they pulled her out, and heard her cry right away. I was calm... So calm I could barely stay awake. They lifted her up so I could see her and I couldnt believe she was ours, and that she was here. I was so numb from it all, emotionally. They took her away to be cleaned and evaluated. Justin kept me updated the entire time. The doctors worked to close me up, and I listened for updates on our little girl.

Quinn was born at 10:03 AM on June 14th. She weighed 7lbs, 9oz (Justin totally called the wieght exactly while we were in labor, we both were just laughing when they told us her wieght). She was 19.5 inches. She was perfectly healthy and absolutely beautiful. The flood of emotions that came during that short time was undescribable. Ill explain more on that later. They finished fixing me up, and we were all taken back to our own room to rest. The best part - Quinn came too! That was definately something I took for granted with Liam. With him I just expected him to stay in the room with us while I heeled like I had seen with others and their newborns. When I got pre eclampsia, and he was admittd to the NICU, I just had no idea all of that could be taken away so quickly. The fact that Quinn got to stay with us, and I got to experience skin to skin with her right away, and establish her latching on for breastfeeding right away (which she did SO great with!) was just such a joyous moment for me. Even though I could barely stay awake, I was just astonished at how well everything went and how happy I was.

After about an hour to ourselves to just pull our selves together and soak up our first moments together, we started visiting with family and friends. There was such an abundance of love and joy around us. I felt so grateful to share such happiness with my loved ones. There had been alot of sorrow and struggle for so long. Im so glad we kept trying, found faith again, and were blessed enough to bring this little dream into the world.

I was released two days later and we all came home together. Another dream of mine, and wow what an experience. Im so happy and lucky to be this little girls momma. Its amazing to feel like a mom again. Terrifying, but wonderful. IVF is a beautiful miraculous advancement in science. I know its not for everyone, and that alot of folks are against it. I never imagined going through it myself. But having this little healthy girl, knowing she wont suffer from our genetic disorder, I feel that it was the absolute best decision for us. Im just so thankful it worked for us, despite the time and trials it took to get here. It was worth every penny, every poke, every med, every appointment, and every tear.

Welcome to the world baby Quinn. Let the adventure of our new dream begin.

I know Ive said it a million times, but I want to thank everyone that helped us get here. Thank you for all your love and support. Its been a long road, but our little miracle rainbow baby is here.