Quinn's Birth Story

Quinn Ann has finally made her debut into the world! After such a long journey, so many ups and downs, scares, triumphs, etc - SHE IS HERE! What a roller coaster... What a blessing. What a miracle. Here's her birth story.

Let me just start by saying, our original due date was June 15th. When I had my first child, I was a month early. I was so determined that I would not go past 38 weeks with this one. We were given the date of June 14th for our scheduled c section. Again, I told everyone that I would go into labor before that for sure. I even had things wrapped up around mid May to accommodate that. Its not that I necessarily wanted her to come early, I know that the longer they stay in, the better for everyone. I just prayed that she comes when she's good and ready to thrive on her own, and that Id be happy to carry her as long as she let me, but I was also not so subtly hoping shed come just a week or two early (selfish me). My entire pregnancy with Quinn was very different than Liams. She gave me completely different symptoms, she was very interactive, and showed her personality right away just by her movements and position patterns. I should have known she'd come right when she felt like it.

I couldn't believe it. It was June 13th, the day before my scheduled due date. I was just a couple days short of a full 40 weeks pregnant. My c section was scheduled for 5:30 PM the next day. I was dreading not being able to eat or drink anything past 9AM waiting for the surgery. I was sure it would be terrible. Since we were finally accepting that that was what we would have to do, we made a plan to get a HUGE breakfast that morning. I had a weird appetite that night and didn't even eat much. Justin and I talked about our plan for the next day and the few things we would spend the day doing as a distraction until it was surgery time. But - Quinn had her own plan.

I woke up the next morning at 1am with severe cramps. I figured it was just a bad Braxton Hicks and went back to bed to sleep it off... But I couldn't. So I ate one last tum (becaust a 1AM potty break was not complete withoug the overnight heartburn) and a last sip of water. Another 10 minutes  or so later, another one hit. I decided to time it now, since it was pretty painful. They were a clear 10 minutes apart with a light contraction in the middle of the 10 minutes. After about 40 minutes I wake Justin up... "Im pretty sure this is it babe, Im in labor" I told him. He wakes up and I tell him what was happening and while waiting for a few more contractions, I start getting ready... We call our OB and he tells us to head over to the hospital. We get there around 2:30 or so. Im thinking, Im scheduled anyways, they will give me something for pain and we will get this going! The epidural could not have come soon enough and the contractions were less than a minute apart and lasting longer than the break I had in between them. The epidural as much more painful than I remembered, but finally my pain was taken away and we were just waiting until 9am for our doctor to come and deliver. We both dozed off for about 20 minutes or so while waiting for the doctor. Justin and I just laughed about our "plan" to have her at a scheduled c section and how she made sure she still came at her own time. Not to mention, my big breakfast plan was not happening anymore, and I ended up going even longer without food or water this way. We also got alot less sleep this way... Quinn was already all about doing things her way.

Finally it was time to go back. I remember being so cold the whole time. I remember having so much anxiety the whole time. It was just still somehow so sureal that we were here... and that this little perfect miracle of ours was actually coming right now and that so many different scenarios could take place in the next few minutes. I tried to stay calm, but I was so overly tired, so medicated and so worried that Im pretty sure I brought on a few panic attachs where I felt like I couldnt breathe or was definately going to pass out. My oxygen and everything was fine, so Im sure I just couldnt calm myself mentally. Eventually they started surgery, I calmed down a bit after Justin told me they made the cut (and I didnt feel it - RELIEF) and just waited to hear that baby cry. I felt the release of pressure as they pulled her out, and heard her cry right away. I was calm... So calm I could barely stay awake. They lifted her up so I could see her and I couldnt believe she was ours, and that she was here. I was so numb from it all, emotionally. They took her away to be cleaned and evaluated. Justin kept me updated the entire time. The doctors worked to close me up, and I listened for updates on our little girl.

Quinn was born at 10:03 AM on June 14th. She weighed 7lbs, 9oz (Justin totally called the wieght exactly while we were in labor, we both were just laughing when they told us her wieght). She was 19.5 inches. She was perfectly healthy and absolutely beautiful. The flood of emotions that came during that short time was undescribable. Ill explain more on that later. They finished fixing me up, and we were all taken back to our own room to rest. The best part - Quinn came too! That was definately something I took for granted with Liam. With him I just expected him to stay in the room with us while I heeled like I had seen with others and their newborns. When I got pre eclampsia, and he was admittd to the NICU, I just had no idea all of that could be taken away so quickly. The fact that Quinn got to stay with us, and I got to experience skin to skin with her right away, and establish her latching on for breastfeeding right away (which she did SO great with!) was just such a joyous moment for me. Even though I could barely stay awake, I was just astonished at how well everything went and how happy I was.

After about an hour to ourselves to just pull our selves together and soak up our first moments together, we started visiting with family and friends. There was such an abundance of love and joy around us. I felt so grateful to share such happiness with my loved ones. There had been alot of sorrow and struggle for so long. Im so glad we kept trying, found faith again, and were blessed enough to bring this little dream into the world.

I was released two days later and we all came home together. Another dream of mine, and wow what an experience. Im so happy and lucky to be this little girls momma. Its amazing to feel like a mom again. Terrifying, but wonderful. IVF is a beautiful miraculous advancement in science. I know its not for everyone, and that alot of folks are against it. I never imagined going through it myself. But having this little healthy girl, knowing she wont suffer from our genetic disorder, I feel that it was the absolute best decision for us. Im just so thankful it worked for us, despite the time and trials it took to get here. It was worth every penny, every poke, every med, every appointment, and every tear.

Welcome to the world baby Quinn. Let the adventure of our new dream begin.

I know Ive said it a million times, but I want to thank everyone that helped us get here. Thank you for all your love and support. Its been a long road, but our little miracle rainbow baby is here.

Bump Update: Week 36

Week: 36
Baby Size: Large Cantaloupe
Pregnancy Side Effects: LOTS. None to complain about, but plenty to keep me tired and uncomfortable.
Bump Status: Large triangle, square sometimes, usually round.... LOL Quinn moves so much and distorts my stomach so much its crazy to watch.

Currently...
Eating: Cereal, Salads, Cottage Cheese, Chocolate....
Craving: Taco Bell Supreme Tacos... Like, ALL of them...
Drinking: Water, Gatorade
Wearing: Maternity pants and tanks... Whatever's comfortable, Pajamas as early in the day as possible.
Feeling: Good overall, just tired, sore, uncomfortable.
Weather: Weather has been windy, but still on the cooler side. Im loving it!
Wanting: A year long vacation.
Thinking: About going into labor.... When... How.... Etc....
Enjoying: S L E E P. & any time I get with Justin.
Missing: Im in that anxious large stage where youre constantly thinking about getting your "body" back... Lol I cant wait to run and work out again, but that day will come soon enough and by then I wont want to anymore... Lol
Doing: Working, Trying to see a few last movies in theaters before those days are behind us for awhile, and trying to keep up with our family and friends get togethers. The last two months have been so busy.. We did assemble all the baby stuff and our house is officially ready for Quinn!
Looking Forward To: Maternity Leave.....






36 weeks!? How did we get here!? The 36th week is special to me because with Liam, we went into labor at the end of 36 weeks/day one of the 37th week. Ive been praying the Quinn comes when shes fully developed enough to thrive healthily on her own, But Im also (not so secretly) hoping that's in about a week. This week we set up the pack & play, rock & play, and the co-sleeper. All her clothes, sheets, etc are washed. Our hospital bag is backed and ready to go. We are at the stage where we feel fully ready and my hormones are in overdrive. The yearning I feel about being so close to holding our baby girl is just too much. The anticipation to actually mother another living child is consuming. Especially knowing we are so close.


With Liam, I assumed we would go full term, the full 40 weeks or so, especially because the whole pregnancy was textbook normal and going so well. So, when we went into labor after 36 weeks it was completely unexpected. I didn't have time to get really nervous yet, or over analyze everything. I was still just floating on day by day being pregnant. This time around, I know how early it happened last time, so all I can do is compare and wonder every second from here on out if "today is the day". I also never had Braxton hicks contractions, swelling, or aches/pains with Liam like I do with Quinn. I just already feel so anxious about what will happen and how, watching my health very carefully for any warning signs of pre-eclampsia. Im still feeling great overall, there's just more on my mind as the days go by. I feel like im in a constant battle of over analyzing everything that could happen, and reassuring myself that things are out of my hands and to just stay happy in the moment.


Ive also noticed such a different connection with Quinn while pregnant than I did with Liam. I know that this could be because of us losing Liam, and because of everything we went through with trying to get pregnant again. I just feel like I know Quinn so well already, like a glimpse of her personality. Being so familiar with her moves and knowing when shes awake or asleep, counting how many times a day she gets the hiccups (which she has right now), feeling her react to what I eat and drink and recognizing her patterns. I don't remember having all of that with Liam. He was active but less active. But again, I could have just not be as observant. It has created such a strong bond with Quinn though, and is making me that much more anxious to meet her. Then on my other crazy hormonal side, Im terrified for her to be here, and really really content with knowing she is just safe and sound inside me.


So many emotions and so much to be thankful for. Things have still been so happy. Busy, but happy! Every morning I wake up with this belly I couldn't feel more blessed. Please continue to keep us in your prayers these upcoming weeks! We love you all! Thank you!

Bump Update: 30 Weeks

Week: 30
Baby Size: Butternut Squash
Pregnancy Side Effects: Exhaustion
Bump Status: Big and round! My belly button is sticking out now too!

Currently...
Eating: Whatever I can. Similar to my pregnancy with Liam, I don't get to experience the full on binge pregnancy eating because I get full SO fast. But I do have quite an appetite!
Craving: Otter Pops, Good & Plentys, Ranch Dressing, & Café Rio.
Drinking: Water, Juicy Juice
Wearing: Tank Tops, Maternity Bottoms, and whatever shorts I find that still fit.
Feeling:  Really, really happy lately.
Weather: Warmer with a recent wind storm.
Wanting: Longer Weekends.
Thinking: About the exciting two months that are coming!
Enjoying: The warmer weather outside and all the festivities this month!
Missing: Sleeping on my stomach, and being able to twist around to pop my back.
Doing: Gardening, Some light workouts, Quilting, and Baby Shower planning!
Looking Forward To: Everything that April and May has in store for us!




Recently Quinn's movements have been so strong and purposeful. They don't feel like sporadic jerks and kicks as much anymore, but instead like she's on a mission to move to a certain spot or get comfortable. The other day she continued to stick herself out so I would rub my stomach where she was sticking out and every time I would stop, she would stick herself out more as if in response to my stopping. It was adorable. Its hard for me to get Justin to feel her big moves and rolls lately because she usually stops when he starts to feel (which is funny because I can have my hand on my stomach the whole time and she just keeps going... ). The other night we were watching TV surrounded by our family and she was moving around so much, Justin got to feel so much of it! Then just after she had the hiccups and he got to feel that too! I cant even describe these moments. We had them with Liam too, but they were different. I remember his movements being different. This time its just so different. I'm not as anxious for her birth, instead I'm just really enjoying and soaking up every day of this pregnancy. After the journey it took to get this far, knowing that no other pregnancy is ever guaranteed, its just so precious to me. I remember sitting on the couch with Justin's hand on my stomach just smiling like an idiot for so long... Just excited for him to feel what I walk around feeling all throughout the day. And to see the joy on his face too.. Its indescribable. I could live that every day.
We have been really, really happy recently. We had a heart to heart conversation about it, just the difference in how easily we laugh now, and how often. In general just a lighter happier feeling is in our home and just around us in general. It made me sad at first to acknowledge how dark things were for so long even through our best and positive efforts. I'm just so really really happy to be in such a happier place.

The Separation

Its odd... After so much time going by, its hard to determine what feelings are pulling from grief, which are pulling from desire, and which are normal insecure confusing feelings of where you are in life at your perspective age compared to where you wanted to be or thought you would be. Its hard to know who you would be if you didn't suffer such a tragic loss. I think its important to let that wonder go, because you can never undo the changes that occurred because of it. You have to accept you will never be that person. You will never have that innocence back. Focusing on who you are now is the only way to grow and move forward. Ive being trying to do that. Hard.

I haven't been able to write for awhile. Even this piece Ive worked on for over a week. Well, I take that back, I have written a lot, but its not anything I'd want to share because its unfinished, unresolved, and mostly depressing and bitter. I know those things are okay to feel and express, and I'm not ashamed of them, but its been a very long time of feeling this way. I feel I should be stronger by now. When I continued to open up and share these things, it started to make me feel more pitty for myself instead of being healing for me. I never imagined for this road to be so long and filled with so much constant up and down, rebuilding, and let down. I know Ive learned a lot, and theres so much good to come, but it still discouraging... Especially when you try to be hopeful for everyone else too, everyone else is rooting for you, and you feel like you let all of them down too.

Lately I have felt detached. I talk to my family and friends and find myself picturing their lives, their day to day. I think of the priorities they made and their families, their sacrifices. I think of the difference they must feel to come home and make dinner for not just themselves or themselves and their spouse, but for their family, for their kids. I think about things like the laundry that they have to do for their entire family. All the separate loads and sorting, folding, and putting away. I think of all the dishes and cleaning they must do. I think of how tired they must be at the end of their long but fulfilling days. I think of what their weekends may be like, waking up to make breakfast and spending the day together. The little things, the simple things.  I realize this is just my version of the "family dream". I know its so hard, and so much work. I know its not all just happy hallmark moments. I probably obsess over wondering about it more that I should because its been something we have worked towards and wanted for so long, and with every piece of my self I feel that's where we should be, I just feel incomplete without it.  It just makes me feel isolated, because Im still just here, doing laundry once every few weeks, meal prepping for the two of us, cleaning when its needed and not because I have a toddler wreaking havoc. I should appreciate trivial things being so easy, but the emptiness of it makes it bitter. I love having a full house and friends and family and their kiddos to play with, but when the house is its back to its silence, its hard.

Recently, I've stopped following Facebook. In the beginning I wanted to face everything so I wouldn't be caught off guard with news or announcements that could hurt me. Some things would still hurt but I could face it on my own and have a brave face when I had to. This was fine for a long time. I just didn't expect this journey to be so long. I didn't account for the affect that it had day after day, week after week, month after month, season after season, - year after year. I found myself becoming more and more irritable. I was lashing out and yelling for the smallest reasons. I was angry so often, frustrated, and had this feeling that I wasn't able to catch up. I noticed that all of a sudden I was feeling inadequate about other things that I didn't before like my home, job, etc. It took me awhile to realize why. When I would look at my Facebook, it would be filled with some much love, accomplishments, happy family moments, and announcements. What a blessing right? All my beloved family and friends have so many good things to share and that warms my heart, it really does. However it turned into me surrounding myself with examples of things that I wanted so dearly and didn't have. Trips I wanted to take too but couldn't because every chunk of change we have is saved for IVF. The improvements and changes we want to make to the house (All the fun DIY stuff we love) was also on hold due to funds. More and more of my friends were announcing pregnancies, which I was used to, but what began to wear on me was not only their pregnancy announcements, but to watch them go along to share birth announcements, happy birth stories, first holidays, first birthdays, and second pregnancies. It turned into too much. A pregnancy announcement I was used to. But when I saw a first birthday or second pregnancy he got heavier. It just reminded me that in the time that its still taking me trying so hard to help make IVF work others have went on to have two full pregnancies, celebrating first birthdays, etc. It made me feel like I lost so much time, that I was failing, that I wasn't any closer today than I was over a year ago to even have a thriving pregnancy. Its not to say I wasn't happy for everyone, there's no words that describe the love and happiness I have for the others that I see appreciating and loving all the positive and accomplishments in their lives. Its the dream! The dream Ive had for so long. It just hard to be surrounded by it all, all the time, while wanting it so badly. I noticed that it made me feel bad about myself, sad, empty, and pressured. I was trying to focus on us and what we did have, focus on our situation, in our own time while surrounding myself with everything we want and didn't have. It was self destructive and counter productive. Its not that I need to shelter myself from the world, but I needed to stop scrolling through it all every few hours. Since I stopped following Facebook, my days have been lighter. I have been able to see and appreciate more of what Justin and I have, without the pressured comparison feeling. It makes my world smaller, focused more on myself, Justin and our pups, easier to cope and deal with. It been a lot happier for us, cleansing, peaceful.

Our situation has just been hard. I question who I am, what's right, how to have faith. I struggle with perspectives on things. I feel that I constantly fight to find the right one and have to force myself to believe in it. Every day is a fight. Some are lost to depression and anger. Some I feel so fulfilled with all the love in my life and I feel like I am good, that I understand life and have a grip on everything. I just feel like I've been trying so hard and fighting for so long. I always thought it would be worth it. Each time we had a positive pregnancy test, genetic test, IVF transfer I try to keep myself positive and hopeful. Fighting against every doubt that comes up, every bad sign. Meanwhile others are telling me how sure they are that it will work, and even though I want to believe them, my first thought is frustration because no one has the power to assume such certainty such things. I cant tell you how many people just "knew" we would be pregnant "that" time and was wrong. I know that they just wanted it so badly for us. I know all the intent was good. It just hurts. I'm left feeling like a fool for believing in something so much for it to just fail. I feel guilty like for some reason its my fault, or our fate is deserved for some reason and we just don't know why. Each time, its so hard to build up that faith and hope again. But each time we somehow do.

I don't know what mind frame to be in for this next transfer. There have been a few changes in my protocol and in the transfer details. I feel really hopeful again, because I guess I just don't know how to be anything else. In just a short week, we will hopefully be transferring again. Another clean slate, another try, another possible new beginning. Wish us luck and sticky baby dust.

IVF Round 2 - Failed.

I haven't written much lately. I have a million drafts that I cant bring myself to post. Most of them I feel are too raw and are written in such a low depressed state that I feel its just going to make people sad especially with no silver lining in sight as of yet. I feel like I've been finding new ways to cope and live life after everything changing so abruptly two years ago. Lately I have just been sort of floating by trying not to think so much about how badly we want a family of our own, if we will or wont ever have it, while dealing with whatever medical protocol we are currently on at the time. Every time I think I'm doing things right or at least heading in the right direction. Lately I just feel like I'm slowly losing myself and the desire to do things that used to make me happy. After our first failed round I really focused on me again and got my self in amazing health. I felt good. Justin and I decided that it was time to stop letting our faith linger in the in between and that we needed to read the Bible for ourselves to really form our own opinions and find faith stronger and clearer than ever before. I feel like after every loss we try to find a new way to improve and be better and stronger and move forward. I know this is a good thing, but it sure does make things hurt so much more when they still don't work out. The amount of strength that it takes for you to even be positive again and further more, really let yourself believe in that positivity really opens your self up for such a deeper pain when you're let down yet again. I feel so defeated, so unbelievably tired, and so lost.


Our second IVF round has failed. Our first official beta test on Monday and my hCG level came back at 4.5. Our hearts just sank. I was happy to have hCG in my system at all, but I knew this number was bad. Technically your level should be >5 to even be considered a pregnancy at all. By this time in the process your hCG level should be >100 to indicate a strong pregnancy. We were told to come back in two days to retest. The second beta came back at 7.5. Oh what a way to toy with emotions.... The level increased. Typically that's a great thing.  It was so easy to feel hopeful again but at the same time, if 7.5 was our initial number, it still would have still been bad. So we were told to come in for a 3rd beta. This one came back at 3. I was told to stop all meds, and that they call this a biochemical or chemical pregnancy. For those of you not familiar a chemical pregnancy is another term for a very early miscarriage (around 5 or 6 weeks). I was pregnant but the embryo didn't continue to grow or didn't implant completely/correctly. How we so desperately hoped that God would somehow bless us and intervene with some type of miracle.


Its amazing how easy it is to quickly spiral back down to the bottom. How this one test result creates a domino effect of everything that is suddenly wrong in our lives. I had hoped that with reading the Bible that I would find some comfort or confidence that I could fall back on. Instead I just think of all the early chapters that we have went through that indicate that children are a blessing and situations of those who were being punished or were clearly not blessed would not have children. It shouldn't be so easy to feel so low about your self in the eyes of God no less. All I hear is of his love and I want to feel it like everyone else seems to. I don't want to sound like I don't have faith or that I am questioning God or faith. I know the verses that say that he will have great things for us and that its his plan not ours. I just wish I knew if those plans were one in the same. And in the meantime I feel so left out and alone.


Lately I've tried so hard to not compare my situation to where anyone else is in their life. Its hard because I don't want to compare, but everyone around me is having kids, is waiting for us to have our kids, making plans and dreams about our kids playing together, etc. I just feel like I'm on the outside of some club waiting to get in. I want to do these things! We have been ready! Liam should be playing with my friends and families kids. I should be doing all the things we planned to do with him in addition to his sibling we would have had by now. How perfectly it would have all worked out. I'm working so hard on a dream that is out of my control. I'm happy that I don't feel spiteful, or jealous, I just feel like there's something wrong with me. It feels so lonely. So un-relatable, cruel and isolating. I turn to a lot of my support groups with fellow IVFers. Its so amazing when they have successful rounds and they get to move on with their life with a promising pregnancy. But its also so hard when you see others that have had 6+ rounds with no luck at all and even worse, watch those stop pursuing at all because they simply are drained of funds or of the mental and physical demands that it takes. People say it will happen, and it can, But I've also seen so many examples of when it just doesn't. Ever. I feel so crazy wanting something so badly.


On top of all of this with myself, the worlds issues also pile up making me feel even smaller and more insignificant. Terrorist attacks, shootings, police shootings, politics, the election.... I just wish things were simpler, purer. I don't know how the world became this. It makes me fearful of so much. It makes me question so much.


How easy it is to wallow in self pity... I hate it deeply. I hate sharing it. But more so I would hate for anyone else to feel that they are the only one that feels this way. Its okay to feel this way.... Its a healthy stage in grief. Its necessary. I spend a good day earlier this week when I came to terms with the outcome dealing and feeling this way. Today it was all opened up again when we got the final call.


Yet, still, somehow I feel calm. I feel like it still isn't the end and that we just need to keep going. As much as it hurts, we've been through this and worse before and we will be okay. I'm so thankful to have such a rock of an amazing husband who puts up with my roller coaster of emotions and is hand in hand with my on this journey. A husband who's been nothing short of supportive, positive, loving and caring through it all. No matter the end result I know I will be okay with him. I still believe that God has a plan for us and I have to believe its wonderful. I still intend to continue reading his word with Justin and grow from it. We still have 7 chances at this. I'm not as far to even think about the timeline to expect, fathom the funds, or prepare myself physically and mentally yet, but we still have 7 chances. Seven healthy, disease free frozen in time chances. I am more overwhelmed by those blessings alone that it helps me see past the bad. If Liam wants more time being an only child and is busy picking out the most perfect beautiful souls to send down to us then so be it. We will always have his memory. If it wasn't for the life changing love that we got to experience through him I don't know that we would even have the strength to keep fighting this hard. He changed us forever.


One day, we will have the best most amazing happy news to share with everyone. It will be one of the best days of my life. I really hope that this is finally the end of the bad and that things can only get better from here on out. It does in a way comfort me to know that so many of the happiest parts of my life haven't even happened yet and that they are to come. I cant thank everyone enough for being on this wild ride with us over the last two years and always showing support and love. We are very blessed. We love you all, and thank you.

Round Two: Transfer Day

Ah, Transfer Day for round two.... How different was this transfer for us compared to the first one. I sipped my last sip of wine four days prior, we meal prepped for the week 2 days prior and enjoyed the day before just us relaxing and listening to the surrounding areas lighting off fireworks in celebration of 4th of July. I was calm. I was relaxed. I was confident.


The next morning, I woke up and put on my face for the day along with my "comfortable transfer ready outfit" and headed out for breakfast. After devouring my short stack of Smores Pancakes with bananas we headed to acupuncture. I laid there listening to my indie music zoning out with 9 needles in my front side while Justin silently read his Sherlock Holmes. After we finished there we arrived at Red Rock Fertility Center, got our procedure bracelets and waited to be called back. When it was finally our time, I changed, and was set in our transfer room. A bit more waiting and in came the Dr and the embryologist with an incubator that had our little embryo in it. Less than ten minutes later we were finished and left to relax for a short time before returning home. We said a prayer together, relaxed and came home.


I've been so surprised at how different I feel this round. I don't want to be misleading, I still freak out like a crazy person, but its much less often! I feel so confident and calm. I try to really keep my mind busy on other petty things and the idea of the dream of a family instead of the stress of wondering if this worked or not.

The two week wait was hard the first week because its too early to feel any symptoms and all you want to do is take a pregnancy test at home to see if anything indicates whether he's sticking around in there. I tested on day 6 and day 9. The lines are extremely hard to see in this photo, but they were just faintly there. On day 6 there was no immediate second line. A few hours later there was a very, very faint line. It was enough for me! Our first round we didn't have any positive tests so this was already so reassuring for us. On day 9 I tested again and there was an immediate faint line. After this I was good. I felt like at least something was happening in there and we just had to wait out the results at this point. I had two days of extreme exhaustion (which was normal with my previous pregnancies) and a few other symptoms. However the progesterone in oil injection I was still taking daily had symptoms that mirrored pregnancy symptoms so besides the tiredness I tried not to read too much in to those and just enjoy the rest of week two.


All in all I feel that this went much better than our first round, and I'm really proud at how well I feel I did mentally stress and anxiety wise. Now we are just cautiously looking forward to results!

Some Truth About IVF

 

"Playing God is never good"   •   "Test tube babies"   •   "Too lazy to have sex"   •   "The earth isn't over populated enough"   •   "Why do people want to procreate that badly"   •   "23 is so young to be infertile"   •   "That's mother natures way of saying 'no'"    •   "Stop being selfish and adopt maybe"

 

When people hear the term "IVF" it could go a few different ways. Some know about in vitro fertilization from having experienced the process themselves. Some will refer to their story of a family member/friend/acquaintance that had used the method. Some briefly know the basics of the process and some are completely against it.


Before IVF became the method for my husband and I to use, I knew little about it: It was a method to get pregnant. It involved needles, sperm, eggs, a dish, a whole lotta cash and consisted of the woman being artificially inseminated. That was about it. I didn't really have a stance on it, I didn't think I would ever go through it. I knew some used IVF to solely select gender and I wasn't a fan of that, But that was really as far as I thought about it.

As many of you know, I'm currently in my second round of IVF (round one was unsuccessful). I've seen some articles trending about IVF successes and how more and more women are choosing to not be so silent about their journeys of IVF, infertility, and more.  The comments like the ones above are from articles about IVF and IVF success stories like the ones trending online with the newborn laying in a heart shaped consolidation of the injections and medications that were used to help them conceive via IVF. Some are happy and supportive while others are outraged. Recently I've become more and more aware of the "trolling" comments being left on these articles. Id LOVE the chance to share just a bit of insight to some of these misconceptions, rash judgments and pure ignorance.

1. IVF is used for SO many different reasons.
I cant speak for everyone, But I for one am NOT trying to make a "super baby" by hand picking the strongest DNA to have the fastest smartest child at the gender I so choose. I actually had a super baby. He was born naturally, perfectly healthy and beautiful in Spring of 2014. That was until a long spiral of unexpected events finally led to his passing away, unexpectedly in an ER surrounded by us and devastated helpless medical staff. His full story can be found here. We learned abruptly that we were both genetic carriers for a very rare usually fatal disorder. After another long series of unfortunate events, we chose to try IVF with PGD not for "selfish" reasons, but to have a child who wouldn't be in pain, and could live for longer than 65 short days. This is the case for many others. Many genetic disorders can be prevented by PDG while undergoing IVF. Other common reasons that IVF is used is Infertility, Fallopian tube damage or blockage, Ovulation disorders, Premature ovarian failure, Endometriosis, Uterine fibroids, Impaired sperm production or function, Unexplained infertility, Fertility preservation for cancer or other health conditions, etc.  Some people see infertility and reasons causing infertility lightly, but there are so many depths of pain and suffering that comes with it. There's really not a need for me to list every single cause that leads to perusing IVF. Just like there isn't a need to assume everyone is undergoing IVF for selfish reasons. You don't have to understand it to be kind.


2. Infertility Myths
This can happen at anytime, to any man or woman. Infertility doesn't see age or sex. Some couples are older in age when they find their partner to begin a family. Some realize only then that they are infertile. Quickly, time becomes a HUGE factor. Waiting and trying to conceive naturally for 2 years to then go see a specialist and begin IVF in hopes to be pregnant IF its successful the first round within an additional year... This time adds up fast. Its different for everyone. Infertility isn't due do a lack of trying.  Its nothing that is done incorrectly. Its not "giving up" after a few months. There are so many layers to it. Please stop disrespecting these women with blunt assumptions fueled by a lack of understanding and compassion for something that you would truly need to experience to understand.


3. Adoption
If I had a nickel for every time the miraculous obvious solution of "just adopting" was placed at my feet I could almost afford an entire round of IVF w/PGD, or even a full adoption in itself. I am completely on board with adoption. I believe it is a miraculous and very open hearted process and brings so much happiness to the world. I think it is so wonderful. I personally have not ruled out adoption. Just because a person chooses to try IVF for their chance at experiencing pregnancy and growing their family does not mean they will not later choose to adopt. Key word - CHOOSE. The sky is supposed to be blue, the grass - green, the sun - hot. Female cows produce milk, chickens - eggs.... See where Im going with this? Women were created to procreate, our bodies to create and support life. Its been embedded in our lives as soon as we start playing with dolls or observing how the world works. We are supposed to grow up and WE get to make families. Those of us that cannot, are ripped apart by this ability and choice being stolen from us. It should never be a choice for anyone else to take away. The fact that we have a way to try if we choose to is ours. It is not selfish to want to experience pregnancy grow inside you or to birth a child. Or to want to see your features and your husbands in them as they grow. Is passing on your own DNA 100% needed to complete a family? No. There are many ways to do this, and adoption is absolutely one of those wonderful beautiful ways. However, it is not anyone else's choice to make. Trying IVF shouldn't be shamed, and it shouldn't be labeled as selfish. We feel bad enough about our inadequacies. Believe me. Women who choose to sacrifice everything in hopes to bring new LIFE in to the world isn't the problem. Especially when those lives are SO so wanted.


4. Mother Nature and Playing God
Ill be completely upfront. After seeing what I've seen and the road I've traveled its safe to say that my faith has been rocky. I'm currently seeking God and trying to interpret his word for myself.  So please bear with my ignorance.  First, how could anyone assume that "mother nature" just up and decided "nah, not that one, she shouldn't be able to conceive" or is playing "duck, duck, infertile" with the population. Not to mention, "mother nature" is a personification, abstract, theoretical icon like "Father Time". As for the religion side of things, I can see how this can be interpreted in different ways. I refuse to debate but in my opinion I still truly believe a few things as it applies to my  specific situation. I do not believe that IVF means trying to "play God." I'm truly sorry for those that see it that way. I shouldn't have to say it, but of course, it hurts when people imply that God did this to me like a curse or an execution of his plan and I should just accept it. I don't believe that God did this to me. I believe in free will and that some things simply happen. We are only human. I still believe that if we are meant to have and carry another biological child then we will. If not, then we can visit the idea of adoption or adjust the expectations of our lives. I did however miss the part where it was opened up for judgment from everyone else.


5. Lets talk about sex...
You know, I do think that IVF will ultimately replace the act of intercourse. Absolutely. I mean people obviously ONLY endure it now to specifically procreate and those of us going through the thrill seeking adventure of IVF are way to lazy to partake in the act our selves. [biggest eye roll] Comments like this are just too ridiculous to entertain. In all seriousness, for some people the fact that a pregnancy could result from making love is one of the most beautiful things in the world. When that beautiful part is also taken out of such a meaningful act, it too hurts us. Intimacy at all is harder during this process because of all the restrictions and changes that your body goes through. Its another constant reminder of what we cannot do naturally. I truly wish it were as easy as just "having sex".


Each part of IVF is hard - the decision in its self, the cost, the risks, the success rates, the toll it has on a relationship, the roller coaster of hormone caused emotions, the injections, the procedures, the contracts that make you question things you never thought of before when it comes to what to do with your embryos, the waiting, the hoping, the physical toll your body takes from it, and so so so much more. If you're a fellow IVFer, my heart goes out to you. If you're not, I hope you never have to. Regardless, I wish there was more information that went "viral" about the truths of IVF and not the superficial test tube baby side of it. Even news stations and websites use degrading titles and headlines that set the wrong perception. It just adds fuel to the fire for conspiracy. Yes I understand the unethical way IVF could be used, No I don't agree with it all. People are so quick to have a firm stance on everything and feel overly entitled to use their freedom of speech to spew their opinions on to everyone. I'm not saying there's a right or wrong. I think you should absolutely do a little research and form an educated, well rounded opinion before feeling so strongly about something especially if it doesn't pertain to you or if you've never had to go through any of it yourself. IVF as it applies to the women that are simply trying to get pregnant and have a family - let us be. Just be happy for us, or at the least, kind - or respectfully  quiet.

Liam's Upcoming 2nd Birthday Anniversary

In the past, we have done balloon releases for Liam. As beautiful and healing at these are to watch, I can’t help but feel guilty for polluting our world and putting animals at risk to benefit ourselves, especially knowing that it was on behalf of our son. This year, I would like to do something different. So many of you want to remember and celebrate the day of Liam’s birth (March 25th). Justin and I don’t want to do a party, cake, singing, etc. We tend to celebrate this day in a different way, together. However, for everyone who’s thoughts are always with us, always caring, and searching for their own way to heal or recognize the birth of our handsome little guy, I would love to offer some ideas. I have compiled a list of my favorite random acts of kindness and even added some of my own. For the month of March, if you would like to participate, do something remarkable in honor of Liam. Donate your time or used items to someone. Show kindness at a time you may have otherwise overlooked the opportunity to. Do an unsolicited good deed for someone else, just because. Do something that our community and environment will benefit from. Liam’s passing shattered, crushed, and destroyed so many things that I never even knew I had and was taking for granted. My innocence, hope, and faith to name a few. I know it rocked these things and more for so many others in his and our lives. Amongst all of the darkness, It would be so nice to bring so much light to the world from his remembrance. It would be so comforting and wonderful to know that Liam is the reason for such extra kindness in the world no matter how big or small the act is. I'm looking forward to seeing so much good come from his wonderful life. Lets be an example that tragedy does not only bring out the opportunity to be angry and harden. It can be a reason to be better, appreciate more, give more, forgive more, and love harder. Happy birthday month baby boy. ♥

Our FET Day!

Well! After what feels like years have passed since we started this process, the time was finally here for our IVF Transfer! I was ordered to start two forms of progesterone 5 days before our scheduled FET and had a steroid 4 days leading up to the FET. I was, and currently am still on estrogen three times a day, on an estrogen patch, taking prenatals and baby aspirin, and now two different forms of progesterone (cream and PIO injection). HORMONE OVERLOAD. Overall I've been feeling fine, and really, really looking forward to transfer.

With all of the preparations for this process, I think I expected more out of it. We arrived to Sunset Surgery Center (associated with Red Rock Fertility) a little earlier than my appointment time. I was immediately given a gown, robe, and hair net and asked to wait with Justin in the procedure room. We sat there for maybe 20 minutes or so in what felt like 100 degree heat, which freaked me out because usually surgery rooms are cold.... I assumed it had something to do with the embryo, its temperature, and the process. Nurses were coming in and out preparing everything. Eventually I was laid back and strapped in. They also require a full bladder for the process, which I was prepared for, but I was not prepared to have this full bladder, and then wait 20 additional minutes before the process. Eventually they wheeled in this NICU incubator thing, that contained our embryo. They were able to zoom in 100x to get a clear picture of her. When the process actually started, I was beyond uncomfortably full. The process itself was very similar to a regular OBGYN exam for a woman. They took the embryo out of the incubator and used tools to place her inside of me. It took maybe less than 5 minutes tops. I was awake the entire time and it was completely painless besides the full bladder. They asked me to sit and wait, for an additional 10-15 minutes without moving, sneezing, stressing or laughing. Which, I mean, I'm usually doing ONE of those things... Lol And not to mention, now I had to PEE SO SO BADLY and now the only thing I can think about is how badly I had to pee and all my fears of peeing out this little precious embryo we just spent months on to implant. Obviously, the science behind the fact that the embryo was placed in my uterus and my bladder has nothing to do with that, should have reassured me, but its all I could think about... So, after laying there, in silence, resting we were finally told to go home and rest. I was on bed rest for that entire day, and pretty close to bed rest for the next two days. After the two days, I could go back to normal activity, but no exercise, stress, running, or heavy lifting. Those were my instructions for the next two weeks. I'm still on all the medication as before.

I feel completely normal. I don't have any symptoms. The symptoms I convince myself I do have could also be explained by all of the medication. There's no way of knowing if she is sticking. There's no indication of anything really. Its waiting alone, in the dark, for two very long weeks clinging on to the hope that this little girl will hang on and be ours forever. No pressure.

Wishing us all faith, trust and baby dust! Until next time. <3

Holidays 2015

Last year we avoided holidays like a plague. This year we participated head on. Everything went much better than I anticipated.

Ill be honest and blunt - It was painful. But I believe at a certain level it should be. The pain doesn't take away the happy, its just there with it. The weather was cooling, the leaves continued falling,  & I busied myself crafting gifts for my nieces and nephews. Especially with all of the burdens and costs of IVF we didn't participate in any gifts this year with the exception of two very inexpensive dirty Santas. I was doing fine. We decorated our house. We turned our lights on almost every night. We put up and dressed our tree. My husband, the amazing man he is, got me a coffee cup and gingerbread house to decorate (Im a coffee freak, and have never made a gingerbread house before [healthy distractions!]) early in December. We had the empty bag from those gifts under the tree so it wasn't so naked and sad. We hung our stockings, and got our puppies some new toys. I baked up a storm of cookies and treats for family and friends including some homemade cinnamon rolls with my sister. I made homemade chicken and dumplins for Christmas Eve Dinner. We made rounds to visit our four families (both our families are divorced and all live in Vegas with us). It was all very very nice. The hard parts were coming alone, just the two of us, when there should be an almost two year old running around with us, finally old enough to get excited for gifts. Another hard part was watching my nieces and nephews open their gifts from their amazing loving families and just wishing we were watching Liam do the same. Christmas morning was difficult. It was quiet. We slept in. We had coffee. We got ready for another day of visits. We came home, and the holiday was over. It was almost harder after it was over. We did it. We faced it. We were happy. But now it was over and somehow it still felt as if we just missed the whole thing, but really, I feel that Liam missed everything. I enjoyed all my time with all my family. My heart just aches missing our boy. But, of course I miss him. Of course I wish him here with us. But I was comforted in a lot of unexpected ways.



We did things for Liam on our own that made us feel better too. I made an ornament for our tree filled with his superman colors, one of his socks he wore, and mini photos of him. Its not a finished product yet, but it made be feel so much better seeing a piece of him on our tree. We also went to his memorial tree that was planted by our loved ones at one of our favorite parks (Angel Park where we took him a few times while he was with us). We were so happy and proud to see how much it had grown in just a year. We were able to place a special ornament for him there too.


Liam is everywhere with us. He is everywhere with our family and loved ones. His love and presence is strong. Our version of a new normal is becoming more normal. I'm so thankful for the peace that Ive found amidst of this loss. Im glad that Im not hardened by all of our losses. Im happy that I feel so comforted by our little boy so often. Its the next best thing since we cant have him here with us.

Egg Retrieval and Embie Update

Well! Our Retrieval Day was on the 11th and went very, very well. I felt fine leading up to and on the day of retrieval. I didn't notice many side effects from the injections other than some minimal bloating, and I was a bit on the emotional side. Luckily not the crazy hormonal side, just the crying a little more randomly and a bit more over the moon happy and positive. It was nice actually. After retrieval I felt fine, I came home and slept most of the day, ate ice cream and watched movies. The following days I experienced more and more swelling. So much swelling, that I looked very very VERY pregnant. I even woke in my sleep one night to use the bathroom and felt that I was in a very real flashback of waking up while carrying Liam in the middle of the night to do the same, trying to roll out of bed, hold my belly and waddle over to the bathroom. Queue random crying.
Originally after the procedure I was told to expect some minor PMS like pains and cramps and if it was anything more to go to the ER, and that I would be good to resume my daily routine the following day. So here I am with completely different pains and immense swelling - panicking but trying to stay calm and tell my self its fine. I call and talk to my nurse & thank God I took it easy for so many days because I was told very, very wrong information from the discharge nurse. My Dr was wondering why I wasn't already in pain and that it was definitely better. She also explained that I was not clear to go back to my normal routine, and the swelling is normal, and was also expected to get worse before it got better. Wow. I was so reassured that what I was feeling was normal! I was so worried that something was wrong and I was at risk for OHSS (Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) is a medical condition affecting the ovaries of some women who take fertility medication to stimulate egg growth. Most cases are mild, but rarely the condition is severe and can lead to serious illness or worse.). It took 6 days, but I finally felt back to normal and having my swelling going to normal. I am so so so happy that everything went well and that I healed as well and fast as I did.


I am happy to say that we retrieved 16 eggs! 11 of them were mature, and 9 successfully fertilized via ICSI. After 5 days, lucky 7 of them made it to blast. A good explanation of the process of the embryos after retrieval can be found here (https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/ob-gyn/fertility-center/our-services/infertility-treatment/ivf/ivf-step-by-step.aspx) Now they will be tested (PGS and PGD) and frozen until transfer. We are unbelievably happy to have so many make it to this stage.

Now we are waiting for our results to see how many transfer eligible embabies we have. Our transfer should be in January if everything works as planned. Until then, we wait, relax, and enjoy this happy news and place that we are in right now. I remember being disappointed at the timeline of this IVF process because originally I thought I would be transferring in November and December. Now that we are this far in the process, Im glad that I have been able to enjoy the holidays without the stress of worry and pressure of the "two week wait". Im really happy to have this holiday time to be us, remember, honor and miss our Liam, and get a fresh start in the new year.






Everything has been going so well so far. We are unbelievably blessed, happy and thankful. Thank you all for your continued support and love. Happy Holidays!

Our Stims Experience and Update!

Hello!


Stim update - We began stims on December 1st. We were prescribed Gonal F, Menopur, Cetrotide, Pregnyl, Zithromax, and Fluconazole. I know when I was getting ready to start and in the process I was so curious to compare with others. I really appreciated those that opened their lives and shared their progress. It was so nice to hear others thoughts and experiences. Here's a little breakdown of our progress.

 

Blood Tests and Ultrasounds
Baseline Tests (Day 1 prior to injections)

• Estradiol - 55.30
• Follicular Ultra Sound - 3 Follicles on Left Ovary, 3 Follicles on Right Ovary.

 

12/4 Tests (Stim Day 4)

• Estradiol -  837.3
• Follicular Ultra Sound - 5 Follicles on Left Ovary, 10+ Follicles on Right Ovary.

 

12/7 Tests (Stim Day 7)

• Estradiol -  2710
• Follicular Ultra Sound - 6 Follicles on Left Ovary, 10+ Follicles on Right Ovary.

 

12/9 Tests (Stim Day 9)

• Estradiol -  2664
• Follicular Ultra Sound - 9 Follicles on Left Ovary, 10+ Follicles on Right Ovary.

 

Stims  Process

Stims Day 1 - 3

• Gonal F 175 & Menopur Vile
   

Stims Day 4 - 6

• Gonal F 100 & Menopur Vile
   

Stims Day 7 - 8

• Gonal F 100, Menopur, Cetrotite
   

Stims Day 9

• Trigger Shot Pregnyl
   

Stims Day 10

• No Shots!  Oral Pills Zithromax, and Fluconazole.
   

Day 11

• Retrieval Day!

The first night starting injections I felt very hot and almost dizzy afterwards. I'm pretty sure this was from me building up so much anxiousness about it. I could feel movement that almost felt like bubbles in my lower stomach. I may have just been over analyzing everything, but I swear I could feel bubbles! The Menopur BURNS, but its short lived. The Gonal F was easy and pain free. I those my legs for the injection site, and iced the area for 10-15 minutes prior to having my husband injecting them. When the Cetrotite was added I was afraid that the longer needle (3/4 vs the 1/2 I was used to) would hurt more. It was effortless and pain free too. At least it didn't burn! Doing all three in a night wasn't awful either. On the third day I started to feel pressure and bloating. I didn't gain any weight but I could feel the difference in my stomach. On day 6-8 it was on and off pressure and bloating. I was careful when sitting down because the pressure became so much. It wasn't painful, I was just overly cautious. The day of the trigger shot I was SO worried. The Pregnyl shot needle was almost 3 inches long - AND had to be injected in the rear! EEKeeekkkk! Again, all the fear and anticipation for nothing, it was no more painful than the others and didn't burn at all. It hurt the next day feeling extremely bruised, but it was easy. :)


So far I'm so thankful that I have responded so well to everything. I'm so happy that the injections weren't torturous and that my husband is sweet and supportive enough to be gentle about it all! I'm glad that I didn't turn into some raging hormonal nutcase either! I was actually extra happy during most of this time. I'm really excited about retrieval but not looking forward to being back to just waiting. I feel so helpless and down when there's nothing I can do to work towards our future little potential children. I will be looking forward to a break in the process to just relax, but after about a day Ill be back to anxiousness. Hopefully the holidays will be a great distraction while we visit with our families and loved ones.


Hoping, wishing and praying for many, MANY healthy quality IIAC free eggs!

Starting IVF Injections! First Day of Stims!

Leading up to the point of finally starting injections was (there's SO many words I could use right now...) - HARD.


I was SO anxious, stressed, worried, excited, scared, nervous, depressed, restless, frustrated, impatient, and just, ugh, all if it.... x 1,000. I have been so wrapped up in it all. To the point that I couldn't sleep at night, because I literally could not stop thinking about it all. Its all I want in the world to have a family. To have a baby that is healthy and home with us. Its my biggest dream of all dreams. Between missing Liam and longing for that family feeling again, I've been a wreck. All these scenarios and fears would just run on repeat in my head. I would feel like I just laid in bed, with my eyes closed all night without sleeping for a minute. If I dreamt, it was about IVF or hospitals, or stress in general. Just once, JUST ONCE, I would love to just have a peaceful dream about Liam, something that would comfort me, and reassure me that he's handpicking a sibling, but instead, Ive just been 100% unable to stop stressing, wondering and worrying about it all, about what our future will hold. 


I KNOW this is out of my hands.
I KNOW this is out of my contol.
I KNOW there is nothing I can do to "make" it happen.
I KNOW regardless of if we every have living children or not, that we will be "okay".


But I want it. So. Badly. Even with accepting all of these things and telling myself not to stress about it all, and giving myself endless discractions to give myself a break, It was obvoius I was failing miserably. I couldnt "turn it off". I would wake up thinking about everything - What could go wrong, what already has, what we have lost, what we should have...... Its consuming. Its awful. I just kept telling myself, to keep going, and it will all work itself out...


We had out baseline ultrasound and bloodwork appointment to get the green light to finally start injections. Simple appointment right? I truely believe this is what has been adding to my stress. I was so worried, that they would find something that would prevent this IVF round. My biggest "comfort" for this process in the beginning was my health. At least Im healthy! I have/had asmtha, but I lift and work out regularly and acomplished a half marathon, Ive got this! I was so happy that above everything else, I had my health. It would help my odds, everything would be great, and I had that on our side. When they told me about PCOS, I was hurt. I thought AT LEAST through all of this, that me, my eggs and ability to make a baby were what they should be. I think that knowing this made me feel more helpless. I think subliminally, I was so worried that my health would be another odd against us. I was starting to feel bad physically. I would get dizzy and feel my blood pressure rise for no reason. It was just constant reminders of everything that is wrong. I kept trying to stay positive, but it was a never-ending, exhausting process.


BUT - We had the appointment. Everything is GREAT! The ultrasound tech said that we were "boringly normal". THANK YOU!!! After hearing this, and getting the "okay" to start injections, it was just a relief! I was still so scared about the actual shots, but FINALLY! Finally WE get to actually get to do something! Since July this process has just been alot of payments, blood work, phone calls, and appointments. Now, we are starting it! I just wish I knew this is what had been bothering me this whole time.... What a torturos period of stress... For nothing...

                             

SO! Stims night #1!
I was so scared. How hard do you push the needle in? Do you do it quick or slow? Jab or push!? And there's TWO of them!? I didn't even want to try it myself, so, in steps my big strong brave man husband, Dr. Schlosser. I chose the top of my legs for the injection site... I have to sit on my bottom all day so that was not ideal. My arms? Not a chance... and my stomach? EEKkkkk... I cant. My legs gave me less anxiety... So I went with that. I used an ice pack for about 20 minutes to numb the area ( I had heard that makes a great difference) while Dr. Schlosser measured the dosage, mixed the solutions and attached the needle. I was "okay" during this time... Still on a high from getting the green light to start.. Then he had the syringe in his hand, ready to go, about two inches from my leg.... All the panic in the world came over me in that one moment. He did it quickly because he knew I would just get more worked up. It poked. It burned. It bled. It was over. EASY!


The next one was more like a pen, same type of needle, but you had to hold it in the skin for 5 seconds after the medication was released. I was nervous about that, but, again, it was even less painful than the first one. The ice pack REALLY helped, I don't think I even felt the needle, just the medicine being pushed through. To be honest, I felt hot, and a little tingly from the shots, but I think it was more from being SO worked up and stressed about the idea of it than a reaction to the actual medication. I'm SO SO SO beyond thankful and appreciative of my husband. He's unbelievably dedicated, supportive and loving to me. I put two shots in his hand and he was SO gentle, focused, and kind. I may be getting a bit ahead of myself since this was only day one, but I'm really looking forward to these next two weeks and getting this part of the process going. I hope we get an abundance of eggs to start with - a percentage will be eliminated from fertilization problems, abnormal chromosomes, and ruled out from our genetic disorder. The more we have to start with, the more we should have after all the tests are complete. IF for any reason round 1 doesn't work, if we have remaining embryos, we wont have to repeat this part of the process for round 2, we would just be able to transfer our remaining embryos. That's very comforting to know as a backup option.


So far, Stim day #2 is going well. I'm not sure if I'm still just overly happy and excited from beginning everything or if its already the hormone overload, but I've been in a GREAT mood all morning, got myself out of bed on time (rare), and almost randomly started crying to two different songs from Adele's 25 albumn on my drive to work.... For no reason at all. My leg is barely sore, and I feel great! I know that the side effects will come and I will be more sore, etc. But, I'm hoping the rest of the process goes just as smoothly! Ill take all the happy I can get in the meantime!


Thank you (everyone) again for your continued love, support, positive thoughts and prayers. Please keep it coming! We love you all. - The Schlossers

Cycle Specifics, Genesis Consult and Insurance Challenges

After our consult we agreed to a series of appointments to check our hormones, general health, sperm quality, uterus and more. It started with blood work (a lot of blood work), a "Schlosser" sample from my husband, and a Physical Exam/Gyn Ultrasound for me. Then there were "cycle specific" tests that had to be scheduled around my specific cycle. Once that started it led to a son-hysterogram, more blood work, and finally a Hysteroscopy. That was a fun week. All the tests were split on different days. Sometimes we went to Red Rock Fertility twice in the same day. I was so greatful to have a boss that was understanding and flexible with my schedule at work. Luckily my husband had the same flexibility so I didn't have to do anything alone. A great rock that Mr Schlosser... As of now, all the tests are done, and they have the results. We have a follow up consult later this month review everything, pay in full (welp... ) and start the actual process.

That same day, in between two other appointments, we had our over the phone consult with Genesis.
Since they were sent all of the information on September 8th, I assumed the 4-6 week expectation of the probe completion started then. It did not. Genesis would not begin any part of your process until they are paid in full. We actually had to pay them to even get this over the phone consult scheduled. $4000.00 and three weeks later, we got our consult. They explained that they would need cheek swabs from us for DNA, and requested to use a sample from Liam for DNA. I understand this sounds morbid and awful. These are the things they just sort of throw at you in situations like this. What are you going to do..? Refuse? Cry? Get even more frustrated? For what....? So... After the blow of hearing that request out loud, we consented. This would give them the best picture of the exact breakdown of the disorder and would give them every best chance of screening for it using the probe. It was essential. In a way we were lucky to even have any type of anything left from Liam. Not everyone even has that option. We were grateful. Also knowing Liam had a part in helping us with his future siblings gave me a bit of comfort in a way. By the following week, they had the DNA they needed from everyone, they were paid, and were officially starting the process. It would take an estimated 4-6 weeks for the probe to be complete. I hope its done by our follow up appointment, and we can start the process as soon as possible.

After our consult with Red Rock Fertility, I began the process to have IVF approved through my insurance. My employer is great. My insurance is great. The fact that the wording is so specific enough in our actual contract is cruel. They denied our request. Even though my policy specifically says

"Criteria for coverage of embryo genetic testing prior to implantation: Either donor has an inherited disease or is a documented carrier of a genetically-linked inheritable disease"

they still denied us. We literally had documentation of both of us being carriers and effected children. Even if they would have approved that part, there was still the 20k they would not. We appealed. I wrote a letter explaining everything, had it proofread, included letters of recommendation from my OB and two genetic counselors, and included all of the documentation proving our condition. The medical staff that helped are highly accredited in Nevada. I felt SO hopeful for this. But, It too, was denied. After our family pleaded to help us, we opened a GoFundMe account to help with costs. If it wasn't for the love and support of our family and friends, I truly do not know what we would do. (You know who you are & Thank you). 

 Hopefully all goes well on our next appointment. I'm already getting so anxious about starting everything. I'm so excited to begin, and possibly be that much closer to having another child. I'm also getting really nervous from all of the horror stories that I've heard of others enduring during this process. The injections, medications, side effects, etc - Ugh... I used to think that IVF was an "easy" alternative - just expensive - for those who were battling infertility. I had no idea what these women were expected to go through. I had no idea the emotional toll, success rates, demanding scheduling and the actual physical pain involved. I never really gave it much thought at all until it applied to us. If I've learned anything in the last year, its not to judge people... No matter how "easy" it seems things came to them, or how "happy" them make their life appear - There's always more to it. Its not really anyone else's business anyways. The perfect seeming couple with two adorable perfect children that I seem to ALWAYS notice at the grocery store - Theres no telling what they went through for their family. How their relationship really is. Why waste time on feeling bitter when I don't even know their story or struggle. Maybe there isn't one and they are just lucky and perfect, and if thats the case, good for them too! We could all be so lucky. I'm finding so much peace in letting things go. Especially the things I create in my own assumptions that I let bother me. I have too much good in my life to worry about anyone else. I want to stay in my own little bubble with my close family and friends. They make me happy. They are what I care about. I hope this process is KIND to me. In the meantime, I'm going to try and have sane person thoughts and not let my self get overwhelmed with the constant urge to reproduce and nurture.

The Hope

Justin and I have been pursuing IVF with PGD. We've had our first appointment and got to sit down, fully comprehend the full depths of the process, and all the associated costs. I’ve seen "estimates" and "averages" before, but when it’s all on paper, with your name on it, in front of you - wow. It’s unbelievable. It should never have to come to a situation like this. For anyone. The costs would be more than all we have. If we finance, we put ourselves in a monthly situation that we wouldn’t be able to afford, let alone with a baby. It would take years to pay off, with interest, and so on and so forth, consistently setting ourselves back. I’ve exhausted every avenue to get it covered. My insurance will not cover it. Even after medical documents showing why we are doing this (not for infertility), letters of recommendation from genetic counselors, highly rated OBs, etc - They are a hard no. They won’t even consider covering a part of it. My insurance is already denying so much of our medical debt because anything regarding genetics is apparently "experimental". It’s unbelievable.
I have never even thought about genetics or what it meant to be a genetic carrier. Its such a small amount of people that are affected, but wow is it an overlooked tragic situation that there is very little support for or awareness around.  I feel the same for those who are infertile. I'm so saddened by all of the obstacles that people have to face to begin a family. Its devastating. It's times like these that I'm so thankful to have all the family and friend that I do have by my side.


On top of the outrageous cost, there's a chance that I don't even get pregnant through IVF or that the pregnancy doesn't thrive. Its so much to have weighing on you at once. But all I can think about is, if it does work, and we are lucky enough to have a successful pregnancy, I'll know that they will be IIAC free and will have even greater chances of being completely healthy because of all the care that will go into the process. As stressful as ALL of this is, it’s a chance I’m willing to take. My aunt and sister have been encouraging us for months to open a fundraiser to allows those that would like to donate to help us with costs. I’ve put it off until I’ve exhausted every other avenue I could. While I was appealing a previous insurance claim, I received a call from my insurance representative who said "Your claim has been approved" and I asked her if this was the IVF w/PGD Claim and if it was covered in full and she replied "Yes". In that one moment, the financial weight of everything was lifted and suddenly my perspective of it all changed completely. Like there was nothing holding me back. Unfortunately, this was a HUGE error and miscommunication on her part, and in no way was my appeal approved. She was referring to a lab test that was from May that was a whopping $600 which is going straight to the lap to pay that outstanding debt. I think that's when I realized the truth in what I was most worried about. The money. Of COURSE. In that moment I was right back to feeling like it was completely impossible and that all odds were against us. Should we risk everything for this? Would it be worth it if we just finance it and risk everything for a situation that's going to be even harder on us in the future? Maybe I should take a step back and let those who are so willing to help us - help. Maybe it is okay. Maybe it will be worth it to just go into it knowing that not only we can come out of this with a new perfect addition to our long time anticipated family, but still be in a place where we can provide for them as we have always dreamt of. The way we have worked this hard for the opportunity to do so.


It’s with high hopes that we can go into this, with as little stress as possible, knowing the power in numbers, surrounded by all of those that love and support us and have nothing but a positive mindset. Our goal is to take home a healthy baby to a loving home without the burden of endless debt just as we intended with Liam. I have no idea of what’s to come. But I know that we will do everything in our power to make this happen. I need to know that I've tried everything. Right now, we are going to move on with IVF w/PGD regardless of what it takes. If you'd like to contribute or share, it would be much appreciated more than I'd ever be able to express.  I want to say "THANK YOU" to everyone that has been on this journey with us, and has been there supporting us every step of the way. All of the loving gestures, kind words, long conversations, prayers and positive energy is so appreciated and comforting. We are forever grateful.


The link to donate is below.  I hope and pray and am at the mercy of fate that we can be lucky enough for this to work for us. Thank you in advance for all kind wishes, support, and shares.


https://www.gofundme.com/forjustin-tracey

Red Rock Fertility Center Consult #1

After healing mentally and physically since my D&E surgery, we made an appointment for a consult with our in network fertility center. The date was set for September 8th. We anxiously arrived, and met with a billing coordinator, and soon our doctor. She had all of our information and relayed it back to us. She spoke simply and clearly, which was a relief. Its a constant struggle trying to explain genetics to people in general, insurance companies, etc, let alone to understand it all your self. She explained to us the process in detail. That part I was already familiar with. Then she explained that we would have to also work with Genesis who would build a probe specific for our disorder and perform the genetic testing. I don't know exactly what a "probe" is but I can understand that fact that that's what's needed to perform the genetic testing. We already had our genetic test results with the breakdown of our genes from Liam, myself, my husband, and our most recent loss Baby Boy June. This had put us ahead several weeks. The testing for that alone is usually $1500 each and takes weeks to get results from. Since we already had this, our Dr sent it off to Genesis so they could start our probe immediately. It could take 4-6 weeks to complete and they would be in contact. After briefly explaining Genesis's part in the process, we talked associated costs.

There was a price sheet in front of us, with our names on it, with rows of tests to be performed. The first were some preliminary tests to check us out thoroughly to make sure we are good candidates for the process. Our insurance covered their percentage of these tests because they were not part of IVF but part of the process to start IVF. In total, all of the preliminary stuff cost us $1000.00. Then there were the PGD costs of $4000.00 that would need to be paid to Genesis. Then, the actual IVF cost from them would be $16,000.00 and $2,000.00 - $10,000.00 in medication. We were looking at $20,000.00 - $30,000.00 to TRY AND GET PREGNANT.

It was a very defeating appointment. Again, miraculous, but defeating. The cost was out of our means, would set us back, added so much stress to how we would even be able to afford to take care of said miracle child, and all if this was for a chance... Not even a guarantee. No refunds. A chance. She did say that our chances of a successful pregnancy was over 80%. That was a statistic that I was happy to hear. I had seen worse odds than that. But my pessimistic side reminded me abruptly that our original odds of conceiving a healthy child was 75% and we couldn't manage that... Ouch. Well.. It is what it is... After a quiet mind blown evening of processing everything with Mr. Schlosser, we decided we would begin the approval process with our insurance (hopefully get it all or some approved) and move forward with the process.