Bump Update: Week 36

Week: 36
Baby Size: Large Cantaloupe
Pregnancy Side Effects: LOTS. None to complain about, but plenty to keep me tired and uncomfortable.
Bump Status: Large triangle, square sometimes, usually round.... LOL Quinn moves so much and distorts my stomach so much its crazy to watch.

Currently...
Eating: Cereal, Salads, Cottage Cheese, Chocolate....
Craving: Taco Bell Supreme Tacos... Like, ALL of them...
Drinking: Water, Gatorade
Wearing: Maternity pants and tanks... Whatever's comfortable, Pajamas as early in the day as possible.
Feeling: Good overall, just tired, sore, uncomfortable.
Weather: Weather has been windy, but still on the cooler side. Im loving it!
Wanting: A year long vacation.
Thinking: About going into labor.... When... How.... Etc....
Enjoying: S L E E P. & any time I get with Justin.
Missing: Im in that anxious large stage where youre constantly thinking about getting your "body" back... Lol I cant wait to run and work out again, but that day will come soon enough and by then I wont want to anymore... Lol
Doing: Working, Trying to see a few last movies in theaters before those days are behind us for awhile, and trying to keep up with our family and friends get togethers. The last two months have been so busy.. We did assemble all the baby stuff and our house is officially ready for Quinn!
Looking Forward To: Maternity Leave.....






36 weeks!? How did we get here!? The 36th week is special to me because with Liam, we went into labor at the end of 36 weeks/day one of the 37th week. Ive been praying the Quinn comes when shes fully developed enough to thrive healthily on her own, But Im also (not so secretly) hoping that's in about a week. This week we set up the pack & play, rock & play, and the co-sleeper. All her clothes, sheets, etc are washed. Our hospital bag is backed and ready to go. We are at the stage where we feel fully ready and my hormones are in overdrive. The yearning I feel about being so close to holding our baby girl is just too much. The anticipation to actually mother another living child is consuming. Especially knowing we are so close.


With Liam, I assumed we would go full term, the full 40 weeks or so, especially because the whole pregnancy was textbook normal and going so well. So, when we went into labor after 36 weeks it was completely unexpected. I didn't have time to get really nervous yet, or over analyze everything. I was still just floating on day by day being pregnant. This time around, I know how early it happened last time, so all I can do is compare and wonder every second from here on out if "today is the day". I also never had Braxton hicks contractions, swelling, or aches/pains with Liam like I do with Quinn. I just already feel so anxious about what will happen and how, watching my health very carefully for any warning signs of pre-eclampsia. Im still feeling great overall, there's just more on my mind as the days go by. I feel like im in a constant battle of over analyzing everything that could happen, and reassuring myself that things are out of my hands and to just stay happy in the moment.


Ive also noticed such a different connection with Quinn while pregnant than I did with Liam. I know that this could be because of us losing Liam, and because of everything we went through with trying to get pregnant again. I just feel like I know Quinn so well already, like a glimpse of her personality. Being so familiar with her moves and knowing when shes awake or asleep, counting how many times a day she gets the hiccups (which she has right now), feeling her react to what I eat and drink and recognizing her patterns. I don't remember having all of that with Liam. He was active but less active. But again, I could have just not be as observant. It has created such a strong bond with Quinn though, and is making me that much more anxious to meet her. Then on my other crazy hormonal side, Im terrified for her to be here, and really really content with knowing she is just safe and sound inside me.


So many emotions and so much to be thankful for. Things have still been so happy. Busy, but happy! Every morning I wake up with this belly I couldn't feel more blessed. Please continue to keep us in your prayers these upcoming weeks! We love you all! Thank you!

Bump Update: Week 34

Week: 34
Baby Size: Pineapple
Pregnancy Side Effects: Swelling in the hands, Light cramping, Typical aches and pains, restless leg syndrome sometimes, sleepy pretty much ALL the time.
Bump Status: Large, almost always moving and shifting around, hard (Ahhh Wonderful to me!)

Currently...
Eating: Whatever sounds good, when it sounds good. Lots of cereal...
Craving: Schlotzsky's!
Drinking: Water & Juice
Wearing: Maternity Pants, shorts, tanks, and kimonos are my favorites!
Feeling: Still relatively good! But the pregnancy symptoms are definitely making me a bit more uncomfortable..
Weather: It was REALLY warming up, we even broke 100 degrees, but luckly this week we are back in the 70s!
Wanting: To be on leave, at home, with a beautiful baby girl in my arms...
Thinking: About how soon all of this can turn in to reality.
Enjoying: Being pregnant and feeling so close to Quinn with all of her movements.
Missing: Sleeping on my stomach most...
Doing: As much walking as I can fit in, no more gym time, but lots of resting.
Looking Forward To: Our upcoming next few weeks! Things are going to be so exciting!


So, I don't think I've posted since our baby shower! We had our shower right around 32 weeks. Let me just begin with - WOW. Our house was FILLED with so many loved ones and kindness and PINK! I don't even know where to begin with thanking everyone for everything. This wonderful little miracle rainbow baby is so special to everyone already. She was definitely not "sprinkled" with love, she was FLOODED with it! She was given more clothes, blankets, diapers, necessities, toys, and keepsakes than I could have imagined. It took two hours to just get through the gifts. I swear I'm not bragging, I'm just so unbelievably thankful for all of our family and friends. We live in the same city as each of our families (divorced on both sides) live. So any family event like this, we are blessed to have SO many family members so close to us to get to share all of these moments with. Its so wonderful, and we are so grateful for it! The weather was beautiful that day, everything went smoothly, and I felt fantastic all day. It was a wonderful perfect gorgeous day. If you would have asked me to even envision a day like this a year, or even two years ago, I would have broken down in tears just trying to fathom it. Now, today, this dream is coming true.

The day following the shower was spent entirely with baby laundry (three FULL loads), organizing, cleaning, and sorting through all Quinn's things. It was all I wanted to do for months! I didn't exactly mean to knock it all out in one day, but let me just tell you, that day was way too much fun for me! I got all of everything done that I wanted! Her room is completely complete!


Now during this 34th week, pregnancy is starting to get just a little heavier... I have an OB appointment this week, and every week from here on out. I'm starting to feel more weighed down, having more random aches and pains (all normal), restless leg syndrome while I'm trying to sleep or rest, nausea, my appetite is still very up and down, started swelling a bit, still always sleepy, and uncomfortable. None of these are that bad, but I'm definitely feeling the weight of them all, more. I don't remember feeling more like this with Liam until 36 weeks... So I guess it just comes with the territory! I'm just happy to still be feeling this well.


Its so surreal to think how soon Quinn can be here. I'm so excited for her, to see her and smell her and hold her and love her! This time a year ago we were just getting ready for another egg retrieval for our second full round of IVF. We had no idea from then to now that we would have another failed transfer, followed by a third transfer that would result in this wonderful miraculous pregnancy. I'm so happy to be where we are now.


Thank you all for sharing all of this happy with us! Thank you for all your love and support as always!

Bump Update: 32 Weeks

Week: 32
Baby Size: Head of Lettuce
Pregnancy Side Effects: Sleepy all the time,
Bump Status: Bigger and Bigger!

Currently...

Eating: Sunflower seeds, & Salads (with wayyy more ranch than I'd like to admit)...
Craving: Nachos, Café Rio
Drinking: Water and Decaf Iced Black Tea!
Wearing: Maternity pants, Regular tops, etc.
Feeling: Really great still! I had some more ligament pain for a couple days, but besides that, Im just still usually tired, but physically feel great.
Weather: Besides the nasty wind that has still be circling around, its been beautiful weather around the 70s and 80s. Im hoping it lasts for our baby shower this weekend!
Wanting: To do baby laundry, nest, organize, and clean!
Thinking: About our baby shower, and hoping my pregnancy brain hasn't affected much of its plans...
Enjoying: The weather, this big belly, and this sweet baby girl with all of her movements and interactions.
Missing: I really cant think of too much to miss... The things I'd think to miss like wine, caffeine, some of the foods Ive given up for pregnancy I really don't miss because I remember how much I resented having them all the time I was trying so hard to get pregnant.
Doing: Still trying to make enough time for the gym, going on walks, enjoying time with our family and friends.
Looking Forward To: Our baby "sprinkle" this weekend!

Oh how the time has flown! The last two weeks have been so exciting. I've been feeling great, so great, that we opted to take a quick little "baby moon" to California to spend some time at the beach and so some shopping and dreaming at Downtown Disney. We had beautiful weather, great company, and some very memorable moments. We spent time at Newport Beach, had lunch at Ruby's on the pier, built sandcastles and basked in the sun. We also spent a lot of time in the World of Disney store at Downtown Disney looking at baby toys and clothes and picked up a few things for Quinn and her nursery. A wonderful, wonderful getaway.

When we arrived back home, we had an OB appointment during which we got to measure Quinn's growth! Towards the end of the 30th week she was measuring at a healthy 3lb 8oz. We tried to get 3d/4d photos of her but like usual, she loves to hide. This time she had her head turned into my hip and was holding her feet in front of her face with her hands! She had been getting the hiccups every day for over the past week. Liam had only gotten the hiccups once during his pregnancy so I was growing concerned with the frequency she was getting them. Sometimes it would be more than once a day. Against my better judgment I googled and found horror stories of course. I asked our OB during our appointment and he reassured me that all was well, this was actually a great sign and its very common. This made me feel so much better, but I still just feel the natural need to soothe and comfort her when she gets them. I am however so glad that she is progressing so well. I just know that Ill have more scares like this, and will probably overreact, and hope that I will always have the resources and family around me to bring me back to center.

We even found time to make some time to take maternity photos! We didn't take photos like this with Liam, mostly because the typical "maternity shoot" style of photos Im not a big fan of, But after having Liam, I did regret not taking any. I wanted to make sure I did for this pregnancy. My sister was gracious enough to capture some of the most amazing moments for us. She was able to incorporate everything we wanted - everything centered around Quinn of course,  Liam, our pups, this rainbow pregnancy and more.

My birthday was on Easter this year. This was also such a nice time for us. Justin woke me up to a Easter egg hunt throughout the house with the eggs that we dyed the night before. Then he made me breakfast, and we enjoyed the weather and some errands. We had Coldstone Ice Cream for lunch (since my appetite is usually gone by the normal time to eat dessert) and we spent the evening with family for Easter. Quinn decided to be super interactive with everyone that day too. She let everyone feel her moving around, and even played with a flashlight in front of them all. I feel so close to her personality already. This is just such a beautiful time during pregnancy, and Im just so grateful of every moment of it.

April has brought so many good times and blessings to us! Now we await the weekend to celebrate our little girl!! Thank you all for your continued love and support! We love you all!

Bump Update: 24 Weeks

Week: 24
Baby Size: Small Pizza
Pregnancy Side Effects: Round ligament pain, hip pain, sleepiness
Bump Status: Growing and growing!

Currently...
Eating: Cereal, Sweets, Veggies
Craving: All things sweet! And Pizza...
Drinking: Water, and veggie juice
Wearing: Maternity bottoms, and whatever tops that fit.
Feeling: Wonderful! So happy to see and feel so much movement so often.
Weather: The weather has been getting warmer! Im really looking forward to a beautiful Spring!
Wanting: ALL the sleep in the world...
Thinking: Recently I've been thinking about the next few months, and the anticipation of meeting Quinn, seeing what she'll look like, and imagining taking her home.
Enjoying: How well I'm feeling overall! I'm so happy to have the energy that I do :)
Missing: Cravings wise, nothing much...
Doing: We finished painting the nursery this week and will finalize the decorations soon!
Looking Forward To: Meeting this little sweet girl.

Week 22: Bump Update!

Week: 22
Baby Size: Spaghetti Squash (1pound!)
Pregnancy Side Effects: Low Energy, Increased Appetite (FINALLY!), Feeling Full, Hip Pain
Bump Status: Getting bigger!!

Currently...
Eating: Anything that sounds good! I still cant eat that much at a time, but I'm definitely eating more. Juicing every morning too to help get those veggies!
Craving: S U G A R ! Literally any candy, sweet, soda, juice, or ice cream imaginable... I could eat nothing but sugar all day if my conscience wasn't so heavy...
Drinking: Water.... All... Day....
Wearing: Maternity Pants (heaven!), Yoga Pants, Tighter shirts to show off this belly since the looser stuff isn't looking as flattering these days...
Feeling: Wonderful! I've been having a few issues with pain in my hips while sleeping, but other than that, I have no complaints! I feel great.
Weather: Its starting to warm up! The last few mornings have had that beautiful warm but crisp air feeling! I'm really looking forward to this Spring like weather. <3
Wanting: Just.... ALL the sugar....
Thinking: About how fast these next few months feel like they will go by.... I feel like its going to be June as soon as I blink!
Enjoying: Feeling so well health and pregnancy wise! I couldn't be more happy and thankful to feel this well.
Missing: Laying on my belly to sleep.
Doing: Better workouts. I'm finally feeling well again to keep up with a simple regimen at the gym without feeling like I'm over doing it or taking a million breaks. Its great to feel so normal again.
Looking Forward To: Spring Cleaning, Nursery Painting, and Planning a Baby Sprinkle!


We have had a fun couple weeks! Baby Quinn is getting bigger and bigger and moving around more and more! Each day is so happy knowing she's with us. Its becoming more and more real! We have still been having bi-weekly prenatal appointments which has been wonderful for me being able to see our little spaghetti squash move around and growing! Justin's been working hard on helping me organize the house and take care of redecorating tasks. Call it nesting but I couldn't be happier about having a clean organized garage, spare bedroom and closets! We have also been repainting the ceilings which have really given our home a wonderful new fresher feel! Next will be the nursery! We also had a really fun birthday party to attend for our aunt who turned 70! She had a surprise Great Gatsby themed party that was really fun to get dressed up for.


These next few months are going to be such an adventure! I'm so excited about the weather warming up and for everything to be in bloom. I hope to get out for a few simple hikes with the puppies at Red Rock. These are my favorite weeks during pregnancy! While you're big enough to look pregnant but its early enough that you still feel so great. I just want to soak up each and every day!


Thank you all for your ongoing love and support! <3

16 Weeks

Week: 16
Baby Size: Avocado (4in-5in)
Pregnancy Side Effects: Sensitive Stomach, & Sleepiness
Bump Status: My lower stomach is super hard, and when I lay on my back I can feel where the baby is! I have also been feeling more and more kicks!

Currently...
Eating: Fruit snacks, Pizza, Veggies, Sweets... (This baby throws me for a loop with how my eating habits are changed... Chicken is almost impossible to eat, along with most meats, and I just want crap food, but it never sits well, so I don't typically eat that either..)
Craving: Nachos, Cornbread, Ice Cream, Pizza, Cool Ranch Doritos....
Drinking: Decaffeinated Tea, Water, Juicy Juice
Wearing: Jeans, Leggings, Sweaters
Feeling: Wonderful! Sleepy!
Weather: VERY cold for December, but very refreshing.
Wanting: To sleep and cuddle all day while binge watching tv.
Thinking: About planning a new nursery for our baby girl Quinn and how to incorporate Liams things in it.
Enjoying: The dreams and realities of having a little girl.
Missing: Liam, especially more lately. Wanting to share all of this with him too. Missing warm yummy  coffee also...
Doing: Working, Exercising, and relaxing!
Looking Forward To: Starting nursery plans!










Justin has been working 6 days a week for awhile now and our only extra time off together seemed to revolve around doctor appointments. We were lucky enough to get to take a full 2 week vacation for Christmas. During this time we were also able to take a trip to Disneyland! Disneyland is a ridiculously special place for us. Im a Disney fanatic and my husband took me to Disneyland for the very first time ever when we first started dating. He eventually even proposed at Snow Whites wishing well. We've been back more times than we can count since then and made so many memories. We went while we were pregnant with Liam and it was so special to me. We also went with our other pregnancy, and we were happy to go for this one as well. Our original plan was to take our pups with us (Cassius, Laila and Nala). Cassius was recently diagnosed with Lymphoma and we didn't want to risk anything happening to him while we were gone and thought it would be a nice trip for all of us to experience together. Unfortunately, Cassius didn't live long enough for this. We made a decision to lay him to rest when his health took a quick turn for the worst. This was really rough for us. Cassius was the most amazing caring and protective dog. He was the absolute best with kids. Even in the short time he was with Liam he was so attached and concerned for him. We really planned on having him around when we started our family and always pictured him playing with our children. Like most things in our life, that plan did not fold out either. It may not have been Gods plan, or meant to be. Regardless, Im happy to feel that he is no longer in pain, and didn't that he didn't suffer. I also like to think that him and Liam are together; a little boy and his dog. The feeling in our home changed yet again, while the other two pups were adapting. Not wanting to leave their sides either, during our time off we did go forward with the Disney trip and brought Laila and Nala with us. It was bittersweet but special at the same time. They got to stay at the Disneyland Kennel Club while we made memories inside the park. We also visited Huntington beach for the first time with Laila. We are so thankful for these pups in our lives to help us smile and fill our days. The trip overall was such a blessing and a memorable time, especially while carrying this little skittle packet sized miracle!


During Christmas we were very excited to announce to all of our families (We both have divorced families that all live locally, so we typically have 4 or more gatherings for the holidays) individually with a special gender reveal cupcake that we are expecting a baby girl! We chose a family member at each stop to bite into a special cupcake to find that it was filled with pink sprinkles inside. It made it really fun and special for everyone around us. It made Christmas especially special for us. Christmas since Liam has been really hard. Its always nice to be surrounded by our families, especially because I know how close they are to Liam too. Its when we return home to an quiet house that it really sets in. A tree that should be covered with toddler gifts, and wrapping all over the floor. The day after Christmas when most were still off work, I ran errands passing houses and all I could think about was the joy that must have been inside of them. Kids that are playing with all their new things, parents joining in, just basking in the happiness of the day. It hit me pretty hard. What I would give to have that with Justin and Liam. He would be at such a fun age right now. Such a growing and learning age discovering new things and expressing him self more openly. I wish he could be here for this pregnancy and the welcoming of his new little sister. Instead it brings me joy and comfort to know he will always watch over her and us from above. As this pregnancy progresses I find that Im faced more and more with so many realities. So many different emotions that are hard to separate and justify. We want a family so much, but equally want Liam here with us as part of that family. I know that's something we cant change, but it will just always ache. I want this little girl to know every part of her brothers time with us, his story. Im also worried how much of a crazy mother Ill be with her in fear of everything that we had seen with Liam. I know Ill be more scared and cautious than normal. I know Ill see similarities and differences in them. I know I will relive a lot of really hard emotions and memories. I know it will take us awhile to adjust back in to active parenthood while adapting to parenting after a loss. My heart is just already filled with so much love and gratitude. It just also has a lot of grieving space for Liam that I don't think could ever be filled or replaced by anything else. I think at my absolute happiest, I will still feel incomplete without him. I also think that's okay. That's just how it will be and there will still be plenty of room in my heart for all of the love and happiness to come. One big, complex, deep, strong, and loving family.


I'm excited for the weeks to come. So happy to be at a place with this pregnancy that isn't as terrifying second by second as the beginning weeks. Even with the rougher symptoms that Ive experienced with this pregnancy, Im just as happy and content as can be, enjoying each and every moment of it especially since her little kicks and movements have been occurring daily. :)


Thank you all for your love and support for us all during this journey! I hope to continue sharing many more happy happy updates!

Bump Bliss: 10 Weeks

Week: 10
Baby Size: Hershey Kiss
Pregnancy Side Effects: Nausea, Food Aversions, Exhaustion, Embarrassing Emotional Crying Bursts...
Bump Status: Bloat... But The Bottom Of My Stomach Is Feeling Harder!

Currently...
Eating: English Muffins, Fruits, Veggies, Pizza
Craving: Mashed Potatoes w/Gravy, Sushi, Pizza
Drinking: Iced Water, Decaf Green Tea, Juice
Wearing: Jeans, Hoodies, Leggings, Jammies
Feeling: SO Happy, Thankful, Grateful, Tired, Hungry
Weather: Cold Crisp Mornings With Beautiful Sunrises, Really Enjoying The Weather Cooling Down. :)
Wanting: A Vacation
Thinking: About Names, Nursery Ideas, Holidays
Enjoying: Being Pregnant Period
Missing: Energy and Motivation
Doing: Work, Etsy Designs, Gym, Lots Of Relaxing With My Pups and Husband
Looking Forward To: Thanksgiving, Our First OB Appointment, Hitting The 12 Week Mark


As of Monday November 14th (9 weeks along) we graduated Red Rock Fertility Center and will now begin seeing a regular OB! I was also finally instructed to stop all my medications ( I was still on estrogen 3x a day, estrogen patches, & progesterone shots) except for my prenatal and baby aspirin. Baby looks healthy and is growing perfectly! This was a milestone I so badly wanted to reach! It was such a powerful happy day. This pregnancy has been a roller coaster, but is calming down, and going GREAT.


My previous pregnancies, I was nauseas like clockwork at 6 weeks, and lasted for only 1 week, happened during the morning only, and was manageable with ginger gum. This pregnancy, I have been nauseas since week six, it lasts almost all day, my Dr gave me a prescription to manage it, and I still have it in waves at 10 weeks. My previous pregnancies, there wasn't a lot of food that really turned me off, I just preferred fruits and vegetables. I drank almost 3 liters of water a day, and one Juicy Juice box a day. This pregnancy, this Hershey Kiss Baby, HATES meat and almost all food. I have never experienced such food aversions. I typically LOVE room temperature water over iced water. This baby will only accept iced water which makes it harder to drink as much as I should. Food-wise, nothing hardly ever sounds good. The second something does sound good, I try to indulge, but it usually ends in me just never wanting that particular food again. I'm usually ALWAYS starving... Its added a lot of challenges to our normal meal prepping and planning. But! As of this week, I've learned that the baby likes hard boiled egg whites, fruits and vegetables so that is what we will have. Along with a pack of Gushers every now and then because well, lets face it, this baby does take after its mother a bit already too....... ;) Overall, This pregnancy has been great to me. As the weeks go by I'm finding more and more peace and confidence that's slowing taking the place of fear and anxiety. I know Ill never feel carefree and easy going during any pregnancy again, but I'm really grateful to be at a place where I'm not panicking and over analyzing every twinge and symptom anymore. I've been so hesitant to share and be open with the pregnancy part of this journey so far. Its still surreal and I still have tears when I really let myself believe that its happening and that in June of next year we could actually have a newborn home with us, healthy and happy. I could bask in those dreams all day. But for some reason its harder for me to accept that it could actually be finally happening in our real lives. I've been trying to just really let my guard down and accept that I can be happy and relieved, but the realist in me knows how quickly everything could change. I know I shouldn't think like that, and Its not what I focus on, the fear is just always there. It just constantly forces me to remind myself of everything I have to be happy and thankful for today, everyday and for where I am now. I'm thankful for each and every day I'm pregnant with this amazing little miracle baby. I love watching his/her progress through sonogram. Love seeing how much he/she grows each visit. I'm really looking forward to going back to my previous OB and seeing our little one again on Monday. <3


Pregnancy after miscarriage is different. Pregnancy after losing a child is different. Pregnancy via IVF is different. But here we are. Living and embracing it. I'm so thankful that IVF worked for us. I'm so thankful to be pregnant. I'm really looking forward to the season upon us and the upcoming holidays. Its refreshing to be so purely happy.


A million times, thank you all. We love you all. I look forward to sharing many happy bump updates with you all!

IVF w/PGD Round 3 Timeline (FET Only)

July 29th 2016 - Began birth control pills.
September 3rd 2016 - Last Birth Control Pill.
September 7th 2016 - New CD1
September 8th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood Work.
September 9th 2016 - Begin Estrace, once a day.
September 12th 2016 -  First Acupuncture Appointment
September 13th 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC (Lining was a , Increase Estrace, twice a day,
September 15th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
September 16th 2016 - Increase Estrace, three times a day, added Viville Patch, and low dose Aspirin.
September 19th 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC. Lining was at 6.3mm. Dr added additional dose of Estrace (4 total) a day.
September 20th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
September 22nd 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC. Lining was at 8.7mm. Dr was happy with lining, Estrace went back down to 3x a day. Transfer Date was set for 9/27. Began Crinone and the progesterone in oil injection to daily meds.
September 27th 2016 - TRANSFER DAY! - We had an acupuncture appointment a few hours before our transfer. We transferred a 5AB-XX (Girl) and 5BB-XY (Boy). Then we were back home for two full days of rest.
September 30th 2016 - Hormone Check, Progesterone 29.58, Estradiol 417.6.





October 10th 2016 - Pregnancy Test Day/Beta, First beta was 1204!!!! BFP!

Round 3 Transfer Day!

Third time's the charm??? Lucky number 7th pregnancy/attempted pregnancy!? I'm hoping these numbers are a good sign!
This round has been even more relaxed that the previous. I used to have so much anxiety throughout the day just about remembering all of my meds at their right times. I would wake up in complete panic and shock thinking I messed something up, or forgot to take something. Its just so much to remember; 1 prenatal a day, 1 baby aspirin a day, Estrace morning, afternoon and night, Crinone insert in the morning, Viville patch (wear daily, switch to a new patch every three days) and Progesterone injection at night - I mean, Its ALOT to remember. Each round has gradually been easier and easier. This round I feel like I've been in this routine so often, its been alot easier to manage. Definitely less stress and anxiety. We had a slight challenge with my lining thickness this round leading to our transfer. I was on additional Estrogen for a few days, continued acupuncture and we finally got to the 9mm lining milestone we were looking for. (YESss!) Another change this round was whether to transfer 1 or 2 embryos. My Dr wanted to transfer two our first round. Justin and I were fine with that until we really started looking in to the details. Twins would be challenging, but I know we could handle them (well, half "knew", half "hoped"). Especially after our history, two little baby pies would be an amazing blessing for us. Then we looked at the risks. The risks with myself carrying them, with my previous preeclampsia and associated high blood pressure the odds of preeclampsia and high blood pressure again was higher with twins. We also looked at all the risks that could effect the twins themselves, premature birth (which almost always leads to NICU stay which will be really hard to go through again. With Liam, even though the nurses were amazing, I just felt like he was being kept from me and we missed out on a lot of our initial skin to skin and nurturing experiences because we were separated) health issues from them not both getting the nutrition they need or from their positioning, and many many more very serious life threatening risks. I know this can just look like rare percentages on paper to some people, but to someone who has lived through and seen the worst of scenarios, it was too much. All of this was enough to abruptly change our mind, especially when we had so many odds and factors in our favor previously (My first transfer, my age, previously being pregnant and carrying full term, high grade embryos). Now after two unexplained failed rounds, it was time to reevaluate. My Dr and coordinator both suggested to transfer two. My Dr has had an incredible experience with success rates when transferring two, and with her moms that carried multiples in cases similar to mine. After a few weeks of getting opinions from a few trusted sources, researching and really, really weighing our options, Justin and I decided to transfer two!


So, we were now ready for TRANSFER!

On Tuesday September 27th we transferred a 5AB-XX (Girl) and 5BB-XY (Boy). Our transfer went great. I was more comfortable with the uncomfortable procedure. When you arrive for a transfer you are asked to have a full bladder. This part is easy right? Until, you have that full bladder and it takes 20 minutes for them to call you back, then another 5 minutes to change clothes, and another 30 minutes sitting in the room waiting for the Dr. To transfer the embryos, they bring in a little incubator with your little embabies inside. My coordinator uses a sonogram machine to give the Dr an image of my uterus, while she inserts a catheter to insert the embryos. So, Full bladder, the feeling of some one pushing down on my bladder, while having a catheter inserted, all the while trying not to pee on everyone!? Its uncomfortable to say the least. However, the process once they bring the incubator in, takes less than 10 minutes. This time I was very familiar with how everything would go and that put me at ease. After surviving an additional 10-15 relaxing period after (while still managing not to pee) we were ready to head home. Our transfer went great!


And now we wait! Now we wait and over analyze over every possibly symptom, twinge, and feeling, wondering if it worked! The meds continue in the meantime and Ill be spending the next two week relaxing, hoping and praying. Thank you all!

Approved for Round 3!

Oye what a roller coaster this has been! A lot of things happened after our failed 2nd round... After the initial shock of it all, some serious depression set in, a lot of doubt, a lot of self pity, a lot of anger - just a lot of bad. I had to rebuild myself all over again, again.


Thankfully on the good side, I still have 7 healthy perfect embryos. I also felt ready to try again, because I know I have to if we want our family. The challenges include the fact that Im almost at my lifetime max with fertility treatments from my insurance. Once the maximum is met all charges associated with my transfer would come our of pocket. We were ready to start a new round in August. My clinic contacted me to let me know that in order to have insurance help with this next round, all of our previous claims would need to be finalized which could take up to 90 days. So, I went back on birth control, and waited for the call saying we were ready to begin. Thankfully, in early September we got the call that everything was finalized and that balance with insurance was enough to fully cover our third transfer. (WHATTT!?) We were so thankful that we wouldn't have to come out of pocket! Even more so, I had a lot of medication left over from my previous round due to my insurance requiring 90 day refills for some of them. This round would cost us practically nothing! What a blessing. What great news. So, our next round is covered, paid and set to begin soon!

IVF Round 2 - Failed.

I haven't written much lately. I have a million drafts that I cant bring myself to post. Most of them I feel are too raw and are written in such a low depressed state that I feel its just going to make people sad especially with no silver lining in sight as of yet. I feel like I've been finding new ways to cope and live life after everything changing so abruptly two years ago. Lately I have just been sort of floating by trying not to think so much about how badly we want a family of our own, if we will or wont ever have it, while dealing with whatever medical protocol we are currently on at the time. Every time I think I'm doing things right or at least heading in the right direction. Lately I just feel like I'm slowly losing myself and the desire to do things that used to make me happy. After our first failed round I really focused on me again and got my self in amazing health. I felt good. Justin and I decided that it was time to stop letting our faith linger in the in between and that we needed to read the Bible for ourselves to really form our own opinions and find faith stronger and clearer than ever before. I feel like after every loss we try to find a new way to improve and be better and stronger and move forward. I know this is a good thing, but it sure does make things hurt so much more when they still don't work out. The amount of strength that it takes for you to even be positive again and further more, really let yourself believe in that positivity really opens your self up for such a deeper pain when you're let down yet again. I feel so defeated, so unbelievably tired, and so lost.


Our second IVF round has failed. Our first official beta test on Monday and my hCG level came back at 4.5. Our hearts just sank. I was happy to have hCG in my system at all, but I knew this number was bad. Technically your level should be >5 to even be considered a pregnancy at all. By this time in the process your hCG level should be >100 to indicate a strong pregnancy. We were told to come back in two days to retest. The second beta came back at 7.5. Oh what a way to toy with emotions.... The level increased. Typically that's a great thing.  It was so easy to feel hopeful again but at the same time, if 7.5 was our initial number, it still would have still been bad. So we were told to come in for a 3rd beta. This one came back at 3. I was told to stop all meds, and that they call this a biochemical or chemical pregnancy. For those of you not familiar a chemical pregnancy is another term for a very early miscarriage (around 5 or 6 weeks). I was pregnant but the embryo didn't continue to grow or didn't implant completely/correctly. How we so desperately hoped that God would somehow bless us and intervene with some type of miracle.


Its amazing how easy it is to quickly spiral back down to the bottom. How this one test result creates a domino effect of everything that is suddenly wrong in our lives. I had hoped that with reading the Bible that I would find some comfort or confidence that I could fall back on. Instead I just think of all the early chapters that we have went through that indicate that children are a blessing and situations of those who were being punished or were clearly not blessed would not have children. It shouldn't be so easy to feel so low about your self in the eyes of God no less. All I hear is of his love and I want to feel it like everyone else seems to. I don't want to sound like I don't have faith or that I am questioning God or faith. I know the verses that say that he will have great things for us and that its his plan not ours. I just wish I knew if those plans were one in the same. And in the meantime I feel so left out and alone.


Lately I've tried so hard to not compare my situation to where anyone else is in their life. Its hard because I don't want to compare, but everyone around me is having kids, is waiting for us to have our kids, making plans and dreams about our kids playing together, etc. I just feel like I'm on the outside of some club waiting to get in. I want to do these things! We have been ready! Liam should be playing with my friends and families kids. I should be doing all the things we planned to do with him in addition to his sibling we would have had by now. How perfectly it would have all worked out. I'm working so hard on a dream that is out of my control. I'm happy that I don't feel spiteful, or jealous, I just feel like there's something wrong with me. It feels so lonely. So un-relatable, cruel and isolating. I turn to a lot of my support groups with fellow IVFers. Its so amazing when they have successful rounds and they get to move on with their life with a promising pregnancy. But its also so hard when you see others that have had 6+ rounds with no luck at all and even worse, watch those stop pursuing at all because they simply are drained of funds or of the mental and physical demands that it takes. People say it will happen, and it can, But I've also seen so many examples of when it just doesn't. Ever. I feel so crazy wanting something so badly.


On top of all of this with myself, the worlds issues also pile up making me feel even smaller and more insignificant. Terrorist attacks, shootings, police shootings, politics, the election.... I just wish things were simpler, purer. I don't know how the world became this. It makes me fearful of so much. It makes me question so much.


How easy it is to wallow in self pity... I hate it deeply. I hate sharing it. But more so I would hate for anyone else to feel that they are the only one that feels this way. Its okay to feel this way.... Its a healthy stage in grief. Its necessary. I spend a good day earlier this week when I came to terms with the outcome dealing and feeling this way. Today it was all opened up again when we got the final call.


Yet, still, somehow I feel calm. I feel like it still isn't the end and that we just need to keep going. As much as it hurts, we've been through this and worse before and we will be okay. I'm so thankful to have such a rock of an amazing husband who puts up with my roller coaster of emotions and is hand in hand with my on this journey. A husband who's been nothing short of supportive, positive, loving and caring through it all. No matter the end result I know I will be okay with him. I still believe that God has a plan for us and I have to believe its wonderful. I still intend to continue reading his word with Justin and grow from it. We still have 7 chances at this. I'm not as far to even think about the timeline to expect, fathom the funds, or prepare myself physically and mentally yet, but we still have 7 chances. Seven healthy, disease free frozen in time chances. I am more overwhelmed by those blessings alone that it helps me see past the bad. If Liam wants more time being an only child and is busy picking out the most perfect beautiful souls to send down to us then so be it. We will always have his memory. If it wasn't for the life changing love that we got to experience through him I don't know that we would even have the strength to keep fighting this hard. He changed us forever.


One day, we will have the best most amazing happy news to share with everyone. It will be one of the best days of my life. I really hope that this is finally the end of the bad and that things can only get better from here on out. It does in a way comfort me to know that so many of the happiest parts of my life haven't even happened yet and that they are to come. I cant thank everyone enough for being on this wild ride with us over the last two years and always showing support and love. We are very blessed. We love you all, and thank you.

Round Two: Transfer Day

Ah, Transfer Day for round two.... How different was this transfer for us compared to the first one. I sipped my last sip of wine four days prior, we meal prepped for the week 2 days prior and enjoyed the day before just us relaxing and listening to the surrounding areas lighting off fireworks in celebration of 4th of July. I was calm. I was relaxed. I was confident.


The next morning, I woke up and put on my face for the day along with my "comfortable transfer ready outfit" and headed out for breakfast. After devouring my short stack of Smores Pancakes with bananas we headed to acupuncture. I laid there listening to my indie music zoning out with 9 needles in my front side while Justin silently read his Sherlock Holmes. After we finished there we arrived at Red Rock Fertility Center, got our procedure bracelets and waited to be called back. When it was finally our time, I changed, and was set in our transfer room. A bit more waiting and in came the Dr and the embryologist with an incubator that had our little embryo in it. Less than ten minutes later we were finished and left to relax for a short time before returning home. We said a prayer together, relaxed and came home.


I've been so surprised at how different I feel this round. I don't want to be misleading, I still freak out like a crazy person, but its much less often! I feel so confident and calm. I try to really keep my mind busy on other petty things and the idea of the dream of a family instead of the stress of wondering if this worked or not.

The two week wait was hard the first week because its too early to feel any symptoms and all you want to do is take a pregnancy test at home to see if anything indicates whether he's sticking around in there. I tested on day 6 and day 9. The lines are extremely hard to see in this photo, but they were just faintly there. On day 6 there was no immediate second line. A few hours later there was a very, very faint line. It was enough for me! Our first round we didn't have any positive tests so this was already so reassuring for us. On day 9 I tested again and there was an immediate faint line. After this I was good. I felt like at least something was happening in there and we just had to wait out the results at this point. I had two days of extreme exhaustion (which was normal with my previous pregnancies) and a few other symptoms. However the progesterone in oil injection I was still taking daily had symptoms that mirrored pregnancy symptoms so besides the tiredness I tried not to read too much in to those and just enjoy the rest of week two.


All in all I feel that this went much better than our first round, and I'm really proud at how well I feel I did mentally stress and anxiety wise. Now we are just cautiously looking forward to results!

Round Two: Egg Retrieval and Embryo Update - EIGHT!

EIGHT.

I received the call early one morning while I was at my desk at work. I wasn't expecting to hear from them yet, and was completely caught off guard. The call itself lasted an entire 43 seconds. I answered, my coordinator told me she had results - pause - then asked if I wanted to year them (in response to my silence). To be perfectly honest I had been dreading the call. Everything had been going so well I was so scared of getting bad news. I didn't want to have any expectations and was perfectly content with the time in between of not knowing.... For once, the waiting was enjoyable, and happy. The thought of results and the reality of it and how much it meant was almost unbearable. So here I am, on the line, waiting for her to speak again in her monotone-giving-nothing-away voice as she goes on to tell me that we have EIGHT healthy unaffected embryos. Some are a very decent high grade, some a little less that high - but all healthy and disease free! She said congratulations, I said "K, thanks!" and hung up! Very rudely and abruptly - but I was just overwhelmed with emotions and needed to just process and soak it up! Also, mind you, I was still at my desk hoping that no one would approach me while on a call and holding back tears. So I paused and sat and processed, exhaled, and fast walked outside to call my husband immediately. Be were both so over-joyed and in such shock. It was torture to not be with him in person to just hold each other over the news.


Out of 16, we have 8. EIGHT! Eight unaffected healthy embryos. Eight CHANCES. Eight opportunities for the dream of growing our families, experiencing life growing within me again, to watch grow day by day as curiosity and learning happens before their eyes. Eight chances at experiencing the full gift of motherhood. Christmas mornings, Easter egg hunts, birthday parties, Disneyland trips, bedtime stories, jammie cuddles, Saturday morning cartoons, spilled milk, sleepless nights, and chaos. Even more so, the chance for not just one, but possibly siblings! The depth of it all! So many of these dreams I thought were slim if not over. This was our last shot. I know we still have the transfer to go through and that it needs to be successful but these chances! We have them. We are this far. They are frozen perfectly in time. What a milestone to achieve. My happiness cannot be obtained. The amount of swelling love I feel from this just brings me to tears. My gratitude is immeasurable. Thank you all for your continued prayers, love and support. Its been a long, long time waiting, but its happening.


Transfer is tentatively set for July. Making babies!

Some Truth About IVF

 

"Playing God is never good"   •   "Test tube babies"   •   "Too lazy to have sex"   •   "The earth isn't over populated enough"   •   "Why do people want to procreate that badly"   •   "23 is so young to be infertile"   •   "That's mother natures way of saying 'no'"    •   "Stop being selfish and adopt maybe"

 

When people hear the term "IVF" it could go a few different ways. Some know about in vitro fertilization from having experienced the process themselves. Some will refer to their story of a family member/friend/acquaintance that had used the method. Some briefly know the basics of the process and some are completely against it.


Before IVF became the method for my husband and I to use, I knew little about it: It was a method to get pregnant. It involved needles, sperm, eggs, a dish, a whole lotta cash and consisted of the woman being artificially inseminated. That was about it. I didn't really have a stance on it, I didn't think I would ever go through it. I knew some used IVF to solely select gender and I wasn't a fan of that, But that was really as far as I thought about it.

As many of you know, I'm currently in my second round of IVF (round one was unsuccessful). I've seen some articles trending about IVF successes and how more and more women are choosing to not be so silent about their journeys of IVF, infertility, and more.  The comments like the ones above are from articles about IVF and IVF success stories like the ones trending online with the newborn laying in a heart shaped consolidation of the injections and medications that were used to help them conceive via IVF. Some are happy and supportive while others are outraged. Recently I've become more and more aware of the "trolling" comments being left on these articles. Id LOVE the chance to share just a bit of insight to some of these misconceptions, rash judgments and pure ignorance.

1. IVF is used for SO many different reasons.
I cant speak for everyone, But I for one am NOT trying to make a "super baby" by hand picking the strongest DNA to have the fastest smartest child at the gender I so choose. I actually had a super baby. He was born naturally, perfectly healthy and beautiful in Spring of 2014. That was until a long spiral of unexpected events finally led to his passing away, unexpectedly in an ER surrounded by us and devastated helpless medical staff. His full story can be found here. We learned abruptly that we were both genetic carriers for a very rare usually fatal disorder. After another long series of unfortunate events, we chose to try IVF with PGD not for "selfish" reasons, but to have a child who wouldn't be in pain, and could live for longer than 65 short days. This is the case for many others. Many genetic disorders can be prevented by PDG while undergoing IVF. Other common reasons that IVF is used is Infertility, Fallopian tube damage or blockage, Ovulation disorders, Premature ovarian failure, Endometriosis, Uterine fibroids, Impaired sperm production or function, Unexplained infertility, Fertility preservation for cancer or other health conditions, etc.  Some people see infertility and reasons causing infertility lightly, but there are so many depths of pain and suffering that comes with it. There's really not a need for me to list every single cause that leads to perusing IVF. Just like there isn't a need to assume everyone is undergoing IVF for selfish reasons. You don't have to understand it to be kind.


2. Infertility Myths
This can happen at anytime, to any man or woman. Infertility doesn't see age or sex. Some couples are older in age when they find their partner to begin a family. Some realize only then that they are infertile. Quickly, time becomes a HUGE factor. Waiting and trying to conceive naturally for 2 years to then go see a specialist and begin IVF in hopes to be pregnant IF its successful the first round within an additional year... This time adds up fast. Its different for everyone. Infertility isn't due do a lack of trying.  Its nothing that is done incorrectly. Its not "giving up" after a few months. There are so many layers to it. Please stop disrespecting these women with blunt assumptions fueled by a lack of understanding and compassion for something that you would truly need to experience to understand.


3. Adoption
If I had a nickel for every time the miraculous obvious solution of "just adopting" was placed at my feet I could almost afford an entire round of IVF w/PGD, or even a full adoption in itself. I am completely on board with adoption. I believe it is a miraculous and very open hearted process and brings so much happiness to the world. I think it is so wonderful. I personally have not ruled out adoption. Just because a person chooses to try IVF for their chance at experiencing pregnancy and growing their family does not mean they will not later choose to adopt. Key word - CHOOSE. The sky is supposed to be blue, the grass - green, the sun - hot. Female cows produce milk, chickens - eggs.... See where Im going with this? Women were created to procreate, our bodies to create and support life. Its been embedded in our lives as soon as we start playing with dolls or observing how the world works. We are supposed to grow up and WE get to make families. Those of us that cannot, are ripped apart by this ability and choice being stolen from us. It should never be a choice for anyone else to take away. The fact that we have a way to try if we choose to is ours. It is not selfish to want to experience pregnancy grow inside you or to birth a child. Or to want to see your features and your husbands in them as they grow. Is passing on your own DNA 100% needed to complete a family? No. There are many ways to do this, and adoption is absolutely one of those wonderful beautiful ways. However, it is not anyone else's choice to make. Trying IVF shouldn't be shamed, and it shouldn't be labeled as selfish. We feel bad enough about our inadequacies. Believe me. Women who choose to sacrifice everything in hopes to bring new LIFE in to the world isn't the problem. Especially when those lives are SO so wanted.


4. Mother Nature and Playing God
Ill be completely upfront. After seeing what I've seen and the road I've traveled its safe to say that my faith has been rocky. I'm currently seeking God and trying to interpret his word for myself.  So please bear with my ignorance.  First, how could anyone assume that "mother nature" just up and decided "nah, not that one, she shouldn't be able to conceive" or is playing "duck, duck, infertile" with the population. Not to mention, "mother nature" is a personification, abstract, theoretical icon like "Father Time". As for the religion side of things, I can see how this can be interpreted in different ways. I refuse to debate but in my opinion I still truly believe a few things as it applies to my  specific situation. I do not believe that IVF means trying to "play God." I'm truly sorry for those that see it that way. I shouldn't have to say it, but of course, it hurts when people imply that God did this to me like a curse or an execution of his plan and I should just accept it. I don't believe that God did this to me. I believe in free will and that some things simply happen. We are only human. I still believe that if we are meant to have and carry another biological child then we will. If not, then we can visit the idea of adoption or adjust the expectations of our lives. I did however miss the part where it was opened up for judgment from everyone else.


5. Lets talk about sex...
You know, I do think that IVF will ultimately replace the act of intercourse. Absolutely. I mean people obviously ONLY endure it now to specifically procreate and those of us going through the thrill seeking adventure of IVF are way to lazy to partake in the act our selves. [biggest eye roll] Comments like this are just too ridiculous to entertain. In all seriousness, for some people the fact that a pregnancy could result from making love is one of the most beautiful things in the world. When that beautiful part is also taken out of such a meaningful act, it too hurts us. Intimacy at all is harder during this process because of all the restrictions and changes that your body goes through. Its another constant reminder of what we cannot do naturally. I truly wish it were as easy as just "having sex".


Each part of IVF is hard - the decision in its self, the cost, the risks, the success rates, the toll it has on a relationship, the roller coaster of hormone caused emotions, the injections, the procedures, the contracts that make you question things you never thought of before when it comes to what to do with your embryos, the waiting, the hoping, the physical toll your body takes from it, and so so so much more. If you're a fellow IVFer, my heart goes out to you. If you're not, I hope you never have to. Regardless, I wish there was more information that went "viral" about the truths of IVF and not the superficial test tube baby side of it. Even news stations and websites use degrading titles and headlines that set the wrong perception. It just adds fuel to the fire for conspiracy. Yes I understand the unethical way IVF could be used, No I don't agree with it all. People are so quick to have a firm stance on everything and feel overly entitled to use their freedom of speech to spew their opinions on to everyone. I'm not saying there's a right or wrong. I think you should absolutely do a little research and form an educated, well rounded opinion before feeling so strongly about something especially if it doesn't pertain to you or if you've never had to go through any of it yourself. IVF as it applies to the women that are simply trying to get pregnant and have a family - let us be. Just be happy for us, or at the least, kind - or respectfully  quiet.

Round Two: Stimulation Injections

The On April 30th we began stimulation shots. This part of the process is designed to help the ovaries to make enough follicles and eggs using mediation. Without stimulating medications, the ovaries make and release only 1 mature egg per cycle. The goal here is to have several follicles grow so multiple eggs can be retrieved at one time. Ive listed the protocol for both rounds to compare.

Round 1 -

Stims Day 1-3 ~ Gonal F 175 & Menopur 75

Stims Day 4-6 ~ Gonal F 100 & Menopur 75

Stims Day 7-8 ~ Gonal F 100, Menopur 75, Cetrotite 0.25mg

Stims Day 9 ~ Trigger Shot Pregnyl

Day 10 ~ No Shots!  Oral Pills Zithromax, and Fluconazole.

Day 11 ~ Retrieval Day! (Retrieved 16 eggs, 11 were mature, 9 fertilized and 7 made it to day 5 blastocyst. Unfortunately only one was normal and nonaffected after PGD/PGS testing and resulted in a BFN after transfer.)

Round 2 -

Stims Day 1-5 ~ Gonal F 125 & Menopur 75

Stims Day 6-8 ~ Gonal F 125, Menopur 75, Cetrotite 0.25mg

Stims Day 9 ~  Gonal F 200, Cetrotite 0.25mg (this was only because I was out of Menopur and my coordinator said this would work the same) 

Stims Day 10 ~ Trigger Shot Ovidrel

Day 11 ~ No Shots!  Oral Pills Zithromax, and Fluconazole.

Day 12 ~ Retrieval Day! (Retrieved 32 Eggs, 22 were mature, 20 fertilized, and 16 made it to day five blastocysts)

Its hard to explain how differently these two rounds of stimming have been. I injected in my legs both times. Iced the injection site first, then Justin administered my shots. Menopur burns regardless, but the actual shots turn into a simple chore and I get a super cute Bandaid as a reward for. The first round I was so nervous and anxious and could not stop researching everything. I was eating well but added more sodium, stopped drinking completely, cut all caffeine and worked out lightly after the first 3 days. This time, it was just different. I was calmer, less anxious and knew what to expect. I had a glass of wine the night before we stated and once during. I had my usual cup of coffee in the morning. Drank ALOT of water. I worked out lightly after three days (that's when you can usually start to feel the bloating and they advise against anything extraneous). I still ate well but added more sodium as directed.

I felt well during the week of stims until around the end I was more and more losing my appetite. After retrieval I immediately gained 5lbs (that day!) and the insane bloating began to set in. It was much more painful this time and still took about a week to heal. My doctor did tell me that its worse depending on the higher number of eggs retrieved, but hey, it was worth it! Im also REALLY glad this part is over.

Now we wait the two weeks to find out how many of the little embies are healthy and unaffected by our disorder. Then the real fun begins!

I am so unbelievably thankful that we had such a successful stim round. I wish I knew who or what to give credit to from a protocol perspective. Im just so thankful that we were so blessed. Im really thankful for those we have in out life that are with us through this journey. Im also really happy and Justin and I are dedicating time to form our own opinions within our faith and God together. I know personally this has made me feel much better. Everything has been happy lately. Im beyond appreciative for everyone's prayers and support. I really really hope and pray that we continue to have happy news to share!

IVF w/PGD Round Two Timeline

February 23, 2016 - Reviewed previously failed IVF Round. No changes to protocol were made except to stim longer in hopes to retrieve more eggs which should raise our odd for creating unaffected embryos. Decided to wait until April cycle to begin birth control for round two.


April 15th 2016 - Received call to begin Estrace and Aygestin. I was out of town and did not expect to begin taking meds until starting with birth control on the 16th. They changed my protocol due to the timing of my cycle and this sped up our process.


April 16th 2016 - Began taking Estrace and Aygestin (Since I was out of town I couldn't start on the 15th, they adjusted my timeline and I was instructed to begin today)


April 19th 2016 - Ordered Stim Medications/Injections from Integrity RX Pharmacy. ($900.00 w/Discounts)


April 28th 2016 - Begin of new cycle.
April 29th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood work
April 30th 2016 - Begin Stims - 75 Menopur, 125 Gonal F.
May 3rd 2016 - Ultrasound and Bloodwork
May 5th 2016 - Add Cetrotide in addition to Menopur and Gonal F.
May 8th 2016 - Last day for stims!
May 9th 2016 - Trigger Shot (Ovidrel) at 10pm
May 11th 2016 - Egg Retrieval 10am (Retrieved 32 eggs!)
May 12th 2016 - First Emryo Update (22 mature, 20 fertilized)
May 16th 2016 - Day 5 update (16 embryos made it to day 5 blastocyst and have been frozen and samples have been sent for PGD/PGS Results!)




May 22nd 2016 - New cycle began (Earlier than expected)
May 24th 2016 - Began birth control pills.
May 31st 2016 - First Acupuncture Appointment
June 2nd 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 8th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 10th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 12th 2016 - Last Birth Control Pill.
June 14th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 16th 2016 - New Cycle began
June 16th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 17th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood Work.
June 18th 2016 - Begin Estrace, once a day.
June 22nd 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC, Increase Estrace, twice a day, Acupuncture appointment.
June 25th 2016 - Increase Estrace, three times a day, Begin Estrogen Patch, Begin baby aspirin once a day.
June 27th 2016 - Ultrasound and blood work at RRFC
June 28th 2016 - Acupuncture appointment
June 30th 2016 - Continue Estrace, Patch, Asprin, Prenatal, Add Crinone and PIO (Progesterone in Oil injection)
July 2nd 2016 - Added Medrol to the medication list.
July 5th 2016 - Transfer day! Transferred 1 healthy baby boy 5BB blast.
July 18th 2016 - Beta #1: 4.5
July 20th 2016 - Beta #2: 7.5
July 22nd 2016 - Beta #3: 3.


Result of IVF Round Two: Failed. Chemical Pregnancy.

IVF - Round Two Begins

Our first round of IVF failed in January. Typically when this happens the next step would be to transfer another embryo. Since we only had the one to transfer from our last round, that wasn't an option for us. We would have to start all over. I was so completely physically and mentally exhausted and was already pushing myself too far with everything in general. In February I made a choice to delay beginning a new round for a month or so to focus on myself. I made a plan and am proud to say that I was able to see it all through. Ironically, I took more on, which I debated if it was the right choice or not since it seemed contradictory. I'm so glad that I did, I'm even more proud that I saw it through.


Getting a new boxer puppy was one of the first decisions we made. There have been more than a few times that I seconded guessed if this was a good choice or not. I mean, another puppy?! While our house is currently inhabited by two perfect pups who are quiet and listen and need zero supervision? In a weird way, I wanted the chaos. Our house being so still and quiet is exactly what gets to me sometimes because we should have a crazy 2 year old running around and possibly another sibling. The silence hurts sometimes, but to change it with a puppy who cant be trusted and immediately tries to chew on the stone of your fireplace, swallow rocks, and is peeing in the house....... Uh... What did we do!? We've had her for 9 weeks now and honestly could not be more proud of how smart and obedient she already is. She was potty trained fully within two weeks. She can already be left out of a kennel, and knows basic commands (Sit, Stay, Lay Down, and Shake).  I'm really looking forward to taking her out for walks, hiking, camping, etc. I feel like we've all been on house arrest because she's still waiting on a final round of shots before she can leave the house. I love the energy she brought to our home. I love the puppy she brings out of Cassius (our older boxer). I love how different she is from our other two pups. I'm so happy about our new little lady Laila. :) She was absolutely the breath of fresh air we needed.
                                  



Apparently because I like torture, I signed up for the RAW Fitness Challenge 6 week fitness program to lose some of the extra weight from our last round. It was 6 solid weeks of a very strict meal plan (No drinking, no dairy [Ugh, no ICE CREAM? Or milk for my daily coffee!?] limited carbs, and no cheat meals. I was being very very "hangry" during this time, Justin was such a trooper dealing with me. It was hard to spend so much time cooking, prepping, dishes, eating on a strict schedule every three hours and planning our days around it. Oh how I missed our weekends of date night dinners. It also required at least 4 days of their boot camp workouts. I went five days, and started adding in 40 minutes of cardio following the boot camp and even a few Saturdays! Who am I, right!? And again, Why do I choose to take more on!? BUT - I DID IT. I lost the 20 lbs and was fully reimbursed cost wise for program because I met the goal. I cannot tell you how emotional I was. To work so hard for something that ACTUALLY paid off... I needed that so much. I felt so empowered, strong and proud.


My birthday month is April. The fitness challenge finished the week before my birthday. We made plans to get away. We used to always have so many camping trips, California vacations, Disneyland experiences, and more. With the financial burden of IVF, that was all pretty much non existent. We made the decision to plan a cheap, simple quick trip to California to visit the newly opened Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios Hollywood and to visit a few beaches in the area. It was SO nice to have a blocked amount of time to not have any responsibilities, stress, protocols, schedules or worries. The trip was amazing. We got to stroll around the village shops of Hogsmeade like children, roam the Hogwarts™ castle, drink butterbeer, eat gourmet food, and goof around. We watched The Jungle Book opening night at City Walk while binging on popcorn and lemon heads from Honeydukes. We played bocce ball on the sands of Huntington Beach. We searched for marine life in the tide pools of Little Corona. We visited Downtown Disney to dine at ESPN zone and simply inhale the magical air (a must).
                              
                               




Everything was ignorantly perfect. All of our baby making stress was on hold. Our plan was to begin the second round when we returned home. I was on a plan to begin birth control so they could monitor my cycle to start stim shots with the following cycle. Imagine my surprise when I get a call (while on vacation) that I was to start two medications that same day. Well, that escalated quickly, and so much for being stress free!


All this time I've been putting off preparing mentally to go into another whole round. All the waiting, and hormones, and shots, and restrictions, and wondering and waiting for test results, and just all of it.... Now we are on our last day of paradise and its like nope, IVF time! I'm not sure why my protocol was changed, but it sure did speed things up! But, as of my birthday, we officially started round two. I'm currently on  Estrace and Aygestin twice a day for a little over a week, and will start injections late next week or so. I am so beyond thankful that I have a different insurance this round that will help with over 60% of costs. I'm so glad to be at such a better, healthier place physically and weight wise. I'm so happy to have had a break to feel like myself again and enjoy time with my husband feeling carefree. I'm sure this wont be easy, but I hope this round is at the least, successful. I feel less anxious and stressed (most of the time) about it. I just hope the calmness lasts. So, here goes, Round Two (and most likely our last) of IVF with PGD. Wish us all the luck!

The Plan...

As you know, our journey to starting a family has been a long and very unexpected one. When we tried the first time, it was easy. After the miscarriage it took some time to recover but when the time came and we tried again, within a couple months we were pregnant with Liam. It was scary to be constantly in fear of miscarriage again, but the pregnancy was so happy and blissful. I thought I was through the worst of the worst. Then we lost Liam. Then we learned why. Then after about seven months of healing and researching our options, decided to take a huge leap of faith and try for another child naturally. When that resulted in another miscarriage and another loss from the same genetic disorder as Liam, we were at a new rock bottom. Since then, we started IVF w/PGD and after a very, very long road of that also failing, we again, are at a new rock bottom. Since 2012 my focus has been starting a family. After having and losing Liam in 2014 and experiencing  losing everything thing that we'd wanted for so long, having more children had become my everything. I would wake up and my first thoughts would be all of the loss and emptiness from the last few years. I'd have to regularly talk my self out of that depression every single morning and replace it with all the things I was doing to help us have a child. I would force myself to be positive. Its all I could ever think about. With every other pregnancy announcement, every niece/nephew/cousin's birthday party, every holiday gathering, every party night out all I could think of is what our lives should have been like vs what it actually is and how to just get the happy times back. Everything hurt all the time. I thought I was doing what needed to be done by forcing it, you know "fake it till you make it", but now after its gone on for so long, I'm not sure that's still the best course. I realize now I haven't been happy and I've neglected or half assed a lot of other areas in my life as a result. Its went on for too long.


We had a consult with our Dr at Red Rock Fertility Center to review our failed IVF cycle. She said exactly what we expected her to. I responded better than average to all medications. The average eggs retrieved is typically around 12, we had 16, succeeding in that area too. When we did the transfer my levels were perfect. There was no medical reason found as to why it didn't work. It just simply didn't. Of course they want us to try again, and their only real change to the process is to possibly do the stim shots longer to try and retrieve even more eggs since our disorder is knocking so many of them out. Fortunately, my work had some insurance changes this year, and I'm on a plan that may allow for up to $7,500.00 lifetime maximum to go towards IVF w/PGD. Since they also marked me as having PCOS I should be approved for this coverage, which would help tremendously. The medications, and other procedures will still be a lot. But it may be something we can do. I'm happy to have that kind of assistance at all.


They let me know that we could start the IVF process again immediately depending on my body and my next cycle. After really trying to think about the next best course, we have decided to plan on trying IVF (hopefully) again in April. Ill be able to get a more clear price quote in early April and go from there. I also would just be fooling myself if I thought Id be ready to jump back in to all of this next month with March being a very sensitive month already.

 

So - In this meantime, I will not focus my every thought on what I don't have and want so desperately. I will focus on different things. New goals. New dreams. This is not saying that our others wont come true, I just know I need a break. We have decided to make a few changes to our life now. I truly believe I need to stop numbly going through the motions

of life while waiting for this storm to pass. I feel that I've miserably wasted the last year and a half by doing this. I need to be happy now. I need to embrace the happy things in my life (more) now. So here's the plan.

 

1. I'm focusing on bettering myself.
• I'm a firm believer that you are responsible for your own happiness (yes, even still). Despite everything we've been through, I cannot just sit back and expect to just wake up happy one day pregnancy or no pregnancy. I decided to sign up for a 6 week fitness program at RAW Fitness. Currently we consume "mostly" healthy prepped meals during the work week and eat out/less healthy on weekends paired with working out 4 days a week but I easily find a reason to be upset and leave early or slack off. This program will consist of a very strict meal plan, no alcohol, and 4-5 high intense workouts a week. I already know I'll be grumpy, sore and sober regretting it after the first two days, but I think in the long run I need this type of discipline to make sure I put more effort into it. I'd love to go into a future pregnancy being at a more healthy weigh. Plus after all of the IVF medications causing weight gain and the on and off workout restrictions, I haven't been able to really focus on slimming down as much as I have wanted to, and lets face it, I'm a total stress eater. Being at a confident place body-wise has turned into another thing that I "want but don't have" and there's no reason for it now. I need to suck it up, and get it done. If I can do it, I will feel so unbelievably better about myself. I think that's a great place to start.
2. We are planning a trip.
• This fitness plan will be over right before my birthday. Instead of being depressed at how I'm another year older and should have two happy healthy kids by now, I'm going to celebrate and hopefully with a skinnier bod! I'm not sure when or where but I know that we will figure it out, and have a quick get-a-way to just relax and enjoy each other. Even just some fresh California air or Duck Creek scenery will be so refreshing. Its long overdue.
3. We got a puppy!
• Meet Laila <3 We have wanted another boxer for so long, and were so close to getting one so many times. Each time we would sit down with our "responsible" selves and decide its just too much right now. With this first round of IVF we were planning on having two embryos to transfer (instead of just the one) and having the very real possibility of twins. Two infants, two car seats, two large boxers and a tiny chihuahua?! Our car isn't even big enough for that life! So we again decided against it. Now that things are different, we decided to not wait anymore. We now have a window for this puppy to train without any additional responsibilities while keeping us busy. I know we sound like crazy dog people, but we are! Since everything with Liam, our dogs have just been different too. Its like they can feel the energy in our house is different. Its like they don't understand what happened when mom got all big, then brought home a baby, then never brought him back and smells and objects changed around the house. Having this new little puppy brought so much LIFE and HAPPY into our home again. Cassius has some one to play with (when he's not annoyed with her) and bring the puppy out of him again. I'm so so happy for this little sweet girl.

So, plain and simple right? I'm sure it sounds counter productive to take more on right now, but I really think its exactly what we need. I hope we get the most out of these upcoming months so we can be back to happy and strong when we need it most while trying again. Focusing on the other areas that I've neglected and improving them is something I do have control over and I'm really happy to have a goal that I can actually make happen. I'm excited to have a new addition to our fur baby family. Someone to shake up our routine. I'm happy to have a trip to look forward to that we will enjoy regardless instead of a doctor appointment that consists of either good or bad news. I know Ill still have bad days, but like they say, "Its a bad day, not a bad life". Even though sometimes it can feel the other way around. I want to be happy again. Really happy. I really believe this could be the right path to get back there.


As always, thank you all for your love, support, and understanding <3