The Separation

Its odd... After so much time going by, its hard to determine what feelings are pulling from grief, which are pulling from desire, and which are normal insecure confusing feelings of where you are in life at your perspective age compared to where you wanted to be or thought you would be. Its hard to know who you would be if you didn't suffer such a tragic loss. I think its important to let that wonder go, because you can never undo the changes that occurred because of it. You have to accept you will never be that person. You will never have that innocence back. Focusing on who you are now is the only way to grow and move forward. Ive being trying to do that. Hard.

I haven't been able to write for awhile. Even this piece Ive worked on for over a week. Well, I take that back, I have written a lot, but its not anything I'd want to share because its unfinished, unresolved, and mostly depressing and bitter. I know those things are okay to feel and express, and I'm not ashamed of them, but its been a very long time of feeling this way. I feel I should be stronger by now. When I continued to open up and share these things, it started to make me feel more pitty for myself instead of being healing for me. I never imagined for this road to be so long and filled with so much constant up and down, rebuilding, and let down. I know Ive learned a lot, and theres so much good to come, but it still discouraging... Especially when you try to be hopeful for everyone else too, everyone else is rooting for you, and you feel like you let all of them down too.

Lately I have felt detached. I talk to my family and friends and find myself picturing their lives, their day to day. I think of the priorities they made and their families, their sacrifices. I think of the difference they must feel to come home and make dinner for not just themselves or themselves and their spouse, but for their family, for their kids. I think about things like the laundry that they have to do for their entire family. All the separate loads and sorting, folding, and putting away. I think of all the dishes and cleaning they must do. I think of how tired they must be at the end of their long but fulfilling days. I think of what their weekends may be like, waking up to make breakfast and spending the day together. The little things, the simple things.  I realize this is just my version of the "family dream". I know its so hard, and so much work. I know its not all just happy hallmark moments. I probably obsess over wondering about it more that I should because its been something we have worked towards and wanted for so long, and with every piece of my self I feel that's where we should be, I just feel incomplete without it.  It just makes me feel isolated, because Im still just here, doing laundry once every few weeks, meal prepping for the two of us, cleaning when its needed and not because I have a toddler wreaking havoc. I should appreciate trivial things being so easy, but the emptiness of it makes it bitter. I love having a full house and friends and family and their kiddos to play with, but when the house is its back to its silence, its hard.

Recently, I've stopped following Facebook. In the beginning I wanted to face everything so I wouldn't be caught off guard with news or announcements that could hurt me. Some things would still hurt but I could face it on my own and have a brave face when I had to. This was fine for a long time. I just didn't expect this journey to be so long. I didn't account for the affect that it had day after day, week after week, month after month, season after season, - year after year. I found myself becoming more and more irritable. I was lashing out and yelling for the smallest reasons. I was angry so often, frustrated, and had this feeling that I wasn't able to catch up. I noticed that all of a sudden I was feeling inadequate about other things that I didn't before like my home, job, etc. It took me awhile to realize why. When I would look at my Facebook, it would be filled with some much love, accomplishments, happy family moments, and announcements. What a blessing right? All my beloved family and friends have so many good things to share and that warms my heart, it really does. However it turned into me surrounding myself with examples of things that I wanted so dearly and didn't have. Trips I wanted to take too but couldn't because every chunk of change we have is saved for IVF. The improvements and changes we want to make to the house (All the fun DIY stuff we love) was also on hold due to funds. More and more of my friends were announcing pregnancies, which I was used to, but what began to wear on me was not only their pregnancy announcements, but to watch them go along to share birth announcements, happy birth stories, first holidays, first birthdays, and second pregnancies. It turned into too much. A pregnancy announcement I was used to. But when I saw a first birthday or second pregnancy he got heavier. It just reminded me that in the time that its still taking me trying so hard to help make IVF work others have went on to have two full pregnancies, celebrating first birthdays, etc. It made me feel like I lost so much time, that I was failing, that I wasn't any closer today than I was over a year ago to even have a thriving pregnancy. Its not to say I wasn't happy for everyone, there's no words that describe the love and happiness I have for the others that I see appreciating and loving all the positive and accomplishments in their lives. Its the dream! The dream Ive had for so long. It just hard to be surrounded by it all, all the time, while wanting it so badly. I noticed that it made me feel bad about myself, sad, empty, and pressured. I was trying to focus on us and what we did have, focus on our situation, in our own time while surrounding myself with everything we want and didn't have. It was self destructive and counter productive. Its not that I need to shelter myself from the world, but I needed to stop scrolling through it all every few hours. Since I stopped following Facebook, my days have been lighter. I have been able to see and appreciate more of what Justin and I have, without the pressured comparison feeling. It makes my world smaller, focused more on myself, Justin and our pups, easier to cope and deal with. It been a lot happier for us, cleansing, peaceful.

Our situation has just been hard. I question who I am, what's right, how to have faith. I struggle with perspectives on things. I feel that I constantly fight to find the right one and have to force myself to believe in it. Every day is a fight. Some are lost to depression and anger. Some I feel so fulfilled with all the love in my life and I feel like I am good, that I understand life and have a grip on everything. I just feel like I've been trying so hard and fighting for so long. I always thought it would be worth it. Each time we had a positive pregnancy test, genetic test, IVF transfer I try to keep myself positive and hopeful. Fighting against every doubt that comes up, every bad sign. Meanwhile others are telling me how sure they are that it will work, and even though I want to believe them, my first thought is frustration because no one has the power to assume such certainty such things. I cant tell you how many people just "knew" we would be pregnant "that" time and was wrong. I know that they just wanted it so badly for us. I know all the intent was good. It just hurts. I'm left feeling like a fool for believing in something so much for it to just fail. I feel guilty like for some reason its my fault, or our fate is deserved for some reason and we just don't know why. Each time, its so hard to build up that faith and hope again. But each time we somehow do.

I don't know what mind frame to be in for this next transfer. There have been a few changes in my protocol and in the transfer details. I feel really hopeful again, because I guess I just don't know how to be anything else. In just a short week, we will hopefully be transferring again. Another clean slate, another try, another possible new beginning. Wish us luck and sticky baby dust.

Round Two: Egg Retrieval and Embryo Update - EIGHT!

EIGHT.

I received the call early one morning while I was at my desk at work. I wasn't expecting to hear from them yet, and was completely caught off guard. The call itself lasted an entire 43 seconds. I answered, my coordinator told me she had results - pause - then asked if I wanted to year them (in response to my silence). To be perfectly honest I had been dreading the call. Everything had been going so well I was so scared of getting bad news. I didn't want to have any expectations and was perfectly content with the time in between of not knowing.... For once, the waiting was enjoyable, and happy. The thought of results and the reality of it and how much it meant was almost unbearable. So here I am, on the line, waiting for her to speak again in her monotone-giving-nothing-away voice as she goes on to tell me that we have EIGHT healthy unaffected embryos. Some are a very decent high grade, some a little less that high - but all healthy and disease free! She said congratulations, I said "K, thanks!" and hung up! Very rudely and abruptly - but I was just overwhelmed with emotions and needed to just process and soak it up! Also, mind you, I was still at my desk hoping that no one would approach me while on a call and holding back tears. So I paused and sat and processed, exhaled, and fast walked outside to call my husband immediately. Be were both so over-joyed and in such shock. It was torture to not be with him in person to just hold each other over the news.


Out of 16, we have 8. EIGHT! Eight unaffected healthy embryos. Eight CHANCES. Eight opportunities for the dream of growing our families, experiencing life growing within me again, to watch grow day by day as curiosity and learning happens before their eyes. Eight chances at experiencing the full gift of motherhood. Christmas mornings, Easter egg hunts, birthday parties, Disneyland trips, bedtime stories, jammie cuddles, Saturday morning cartoons, spilled milk, sleepless nights, and chaos. Even more so, the chance for not just one, but possibly siblings! The depth of it all! So many of these dreams I thought were slim if not over. This was our last shot. I know we still have the transfer to go through and that it needs to be successful but these chances! We have them. We are this far. They are frozen perfectly in time. What a milestone to achieve. My happiness cannot be obtained. The amount of swelling love I feel from this just brings me to tears. My gratitude is immeasurable. Thank you all for your continued prayers, love and support. Its been a long, long time waiting, but its happening.


Transfer is tentatively set for July. Making babies!

Round Two: Stimulation Injections

The On April 30th we began stimulation shots. This part of the process is designed to help the ovaries to make enough follicles and eggs using mediation. Without stimulating medications, the ovaries make and release only 1 mature egg per cycle. The goal here is to have several follicles grow so multiple eggs can be retrieved at one time. Ive listed the protocol for both rounds to compare.

Round 1 -

Stims Day 1-3 ~ Gonal F 175 & Menopur 75

Stims Day 4-6 ~ Gonal F 100 & Menopur 75

Stims Day 7-8 ~ Gonal F 100, Menopur 75, Cetrotite 0.25mg

Stims Day 9 ~ Trigger Shot Pregnyl

Day 10 ~ No Shots!  Oral Pills Zithromax, and Fluconazole.

Day 11 ~ Retrieval Day! (Retrieved 16 eggs, 11 were mature, 9 fertilized and 7 made it to day 5 blastocyst. Unfortunately only one was normal and nonaffected after PGD/PGS testing and resulted in a BFN after transfer.)

Round 2 -

Stims Day 1-5 ~ Gonal F 125 & Menopur 75

Stims Day 6-8 ~ Gonal F 125, Menopur 75, Cetrotite 0.25mg

Stims Day 9 ~  Gonal F 200, Cetrotite 0.25mg (this was only because I was out of Menopur and my coordinator said this would work the same) 

Stims Day 10 ~ Trigger Shot Ovidrel

Day 11 ~ No Shots!  Oral Pills Zithromax, and Fluconazole.

Day 12 ~ Retrieval Day! (Retrieved 32 Eggs, 22 were mature, 20 fertilized, and 16 made it to day five blastocysts)

Its hard to explain how differently these two rounds of stimming have been. I injected in my legs both times. Iced the injection site first, then Justin administered my shots. Menopur burns regardless, but the actual shots turn into a simple chore and I get a super cute Bandaid as a reward for. The first round I was so nervous and anxious and could not stop researching everything. I was eating well but added more sodium, stopped drinking completely, cut all caffeine and worked out lightly after the first 3 days. This time, it was just different. I was calmer, less anxious and knew what to expect. I had a glass of wine the night before we stated and once during. I had my usual cup of coffee in the morning. Drank ALOT of water. I worked out lightly after three days (that's when you can usually start to feel the bloating and they advise against anything extraneous). I still ate well but added more sodium as directed.

I felt well during the week of stims until around the end I was more and more losing my appetite. After retrieval I immediately gained 5lbs (that day!) and the insane bloating began to set in. It was much more painful this time and still took about a week to heal. My doctor did tell me that its worse depending on the higher number of eggs retrieved, but hey, it was worth it! Im also REALLY glad this part is over.

Now we wait the two weeks to find out how many of the little embies are healthy and unaffected by our disorder. Then the real fun begins!

I am so unbelievably thankful that we had such a successful stim round. I wish I knew who or what to give credit to from a protocol perspective. Im just so thankful that we were so blessed. Im really thankful for those we have in out life that are with us through this journey. Im also really happy and Justin and I are dedicating time to form our own opinions within our faith and God together. I know personally this has made me feel much better. Everything has been happy lately. Im beyond appreciative for everyone's prayers and support. I really really hope and pray that we continue to have happy news to share!

IVF w/PGD Round Two Timeline

February 23, 2016 - Reviewed previously failed IVF Round. No changes to protocol were made except to stim longer in hopes to retrieve more eggs which should raise our odd for creating unaffected embryos. Decided to wait until April cycle to begin birth control for round two.


April 15th 2016 - Received call to begin Estrace and Aygestin. I was out of town and did not expect to begin taking meds until starting with birth control on the 16th. They changed my protocol due to the timing of my cycle and this sped up our process.


April 16th 2016 - Began taking Estrace and Aygestin (Since I was out of town I couldn't start on the 15th, they adjusted my timeline and I was instructed to begin today)


April 19th 2016 - Ordered Stim Medications/Injections from Integrity RX Pharmacy. ($900.00 w/Discounts)


April 28th 2016 - Begin of new cycle.
April 29th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood work
April 30th 2016 - Begin Stims - 75 Menopur, 125 Gonal F.
May 3rd 2016 - Ultrasound and Bloodwork
May 5th 2016 - Add Cetrotide in addition to Menopur and Gonal F.
May 8th 2016 - Last day for stims!
May 9th 2016 - Trigger Shot (Ovidrel) at 10pm
May 11th 2016 - Egg Retrieval 10am (Retrieved 32 eggs!)
May 12th 2016 - First Emryo Update (22 mature, 20 fertilized)
May 16th 2016 - Day 5 update (16 embryos made it to day 5 blastocyst and have been frozen and samples have been sent for PGD/PGS Results!)




May 22nd 2016 - New cycle began (Earlier than expected)
May 24th 2016 - Began birth control pills.
May 31st 2016 - First Acupuncture Appointment
June 2nd 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 8th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 10th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 12th 2016 - Last Birth Control Pill.
June 14th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 16th 2016 - New Cycle began
June 16th 2016 - Acupuncture Appointment
June 17th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood Work.
June 18th 2016 - Begin Estrace, once a day.
June 22nd 2016 - Blood work and ultrasound at RRFC, Increase Estrace, twice a day, Acupuncture appointment.
June 25th 2016 - Increase Estrace, three times a day, Begin Estrogen Patch, Begin baby aspirin once a day.
June 27th 2016 - Ultrasound and blood work at RRFC
June 28th 2016 - Acupuncture appointment
June 30th 2016 - Continue Estrace, Patch, Asprin, Prenatal, Add Crinone and PIO (Progesterone in Oil injection)
July 2nd 2016 - Added Medrol to the medication list.
July 5th 2016 - Transfer day! Transferred 1 healthy baby boy 5BB blast.
July 18th 2016 - Beta #1: 4.5
July 20th 2016 - Beta #2: 7.5
July 22nd 2016 - Beta #3: 3.


Result of IVF Round Two: Failed. Chemical Pregnancy.

IVF - Round Two Begins

Our first round of IVF failed in January. Typically when this happens the next step would be to transfer another embryo. Since we only had the one to transfer from our last round, that wasn't an option for us. We would have to start all over. I was so completely physically and mentally exhausted and was already pushing myself too far with everything in general. In February I made a choice to delay beginning a new round for a month or so to focus on myself. I made a plan and am proud to say that I was able to see it all through. Ironically, I took more on, which I debated if it was the right choice or not since it seemed contradictory. I'm so glad that I did, I'm even more proud that I saw it through.


Getting a new boxer puppy was one of the first decisions we made. There have been more than a few times that I seconded guessed if this was a good choice or not. I mean, another puppy?! While our house is currently inhabited by two perfect pups who are quiet and listen and need zero supervision? In a weird way, I wanted the chaos. Our house being so still and quiet is exactly what gets to me sometimes because we should have a crazy 2 year old running around and possibly another sibling. The silence hurts sometimes, but to change it with a puppy who cant be trusted and immediately tries to chew on the stone of your fireplace, swallow rocks, and is peeing in the house....... Uh... What did we do!? We've had her for 9 weeks now and honestly could not be more proud of how smart and obedient she already is. She was potty trained fully within two weeks. She can already be left out of a kennel, and knows basic commands (Sit, Stay, Lay Down, and Shake).  I'm really looking forward to taking her out for walks, hiking, camping, etc. I feel like we've all been on house arrest because she's still waiting on a final round of shots before she can leave the house. I love the energy she brought to our home. I love the puppy she brings out of Cassius (our older boxer). I love how different she is from our other two pups. I'm so happy about our new little lady Laila. :) She was absolutely the breath of fresh air we needed.
                                  



Apparently because I like torture, I signed up for the RAW Fitness Challenge 6 week fitness program to lose some of the extra weight from our last round. It was 6 solid weeks of a very strict meal plan (No drinking, no dairy [Ugh, no ICE CREAM? Or milk for my daily coffee!?] limited carbs, and no cheat meals. I was being very very "hangry" during this time, Justin was such a trooper dealing with me. It was hard to spend so much time cooking, prepping, dishes, eating on a strict schedule every three hours and planning our days around it. Oh how I missed our weekends of date night dinners. It also required at least 4 days of their boot camp workouts. I went five days, and started adding in 40 minutes of cardio following the boot camp and even a few Saturdays! Who am I, right!? And again, Why do I choose to take more on!? BUT - I DID IT. I lost the 20 lbs and was fully reimbursed cost wise for program because I met the goal. I cannot tell you how emotional I was. To work so hard for something that ACTUALLY paid off... I needed that so much. I felt so empowered, strong and proud.


My birthday month is April. The fitness challenge finished the week before my birthday. We made plans to get away. We used to always have so many camping trips, California vacations, Disneyland experiences, and more. With the financial burden of IVF, that was all pretty much non existent. We made the decision to plan a cheap, simple quick trip to California to visit the newly opened Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios Hollywood and to visit a few beaches in the area. It was SO nice to have a blocked amount of time to not have any responsibilities, stress, protocols, schedules or worries. The trip was amazing. We got to stroll around the village shops of Hogsmeade like children, roam the Hogwarts™ castle, drink butterbeer, eat gourmet food, and goof around. We watched The Jungle Book opening night at City Walk while binging on popcorn and lemon heads from Honeydukes. We played bocce ball on the sands of Huntington Beach. We searched for marine life in the tide pools of Little Corona. We visited Downtown Disney to dine at ESPN zone and simply inhale the magical air (a must).
                              
                               




Everything was ignorantly perfect. All of our baby making stress was on hold. Our plan was to begin the second round when we returned home. I was on a plan to begin birth control so they could monitor my cycle to start stim shots with the following cycle. Imagine my surprise when I get a call (while on vacation) that I was to start two medications that same day. Well, that escalated quickly, and so much for being stress free!


All this time I've been putting off preparing mentally to go into another whole round. All the waiting, and hormones, and shots, and restrictions, and wondering and waiting for test results, and just all of it.... Now we are on our last day of paradise and its like nope, IVF time! I'm not sure why my protocol was changed, but it sure did speed things up! But, as of my birthday, we officially started round two. I'm currently on  Estrace and Aygestin twice a day for a little over a week, and will start injections late next week or so. I am so beyond thankful that I have a different insurance this round that will help with over 60% of costs. I'm so glad to be at such a better, healthier place physically and weight wise. I'm so happy to have had a break to feel like myself again and enjoy time with my husband feeling carefree. I'm sure this wont be easy, but I hope this round is at the least, successful. I feel less anxious and stressed (most of the time) about it. I just hope the calmness lasts. So, here goes, Round Two (and most likely our last) of IVF with PGD. Wish us all the luck!

The Plan...

As you know, our journey to starting a family has been a long and very unexpected one. When we tried the first time, it was easy. After the miscarriage it took some time to recover but when the time came and we tried again, within a couple months we were pregnant with Liam. It was scary to be constantly in fear of miscarriage again, but the pregnancy was so happy and blissful. I thought I was through the worst of the worst. Then we lost Liam. Then we learned why. Then after about seven months of healing and researching our options, decided to take a huge leap of faith and try for another child naturally. When that resulted in another miscarriage and another loss from the same genetic disorder as Liam, we were at a new rock bottom. Since then, we started IVF w/PGD and after a very, very long road of that also failing, we again, are at a new rock bottom. Since 2012 my focus has been starting a family. After having and losing Liam in 2014 and experiencing  losing everything thing that we'd wanted for so long, having more children had become my everything. I would wake up and my first thoughts would be all of the loss and emptiness from the last few years. I'd have to regularly talk my self out of that depression every single morning and replace it with all the things I was doing to help us have a child. I would force myself to be positive. Its all I could ever think about. With every other pregnancy announcement, every niece/nephew/cousin's birthday party, every holiday gathering, every party night out all I could think of is what our lives should have been like vs what it actually is and how to just get the happy times back. Everything hurt all the time. I thought I was doing what needed to be done by forcing it, you know "fake it till you make it", but now after its gone on for so long, I'm not sure that's still the best course. I realize now I haven't been happy and I've neglected or half assed a lot of other areas in my life as a result. Its went on for too long.


We had a consult with our Dr at Red Rock Fertility Center to review our failed IVF cycle. She said exactly what we expected her to. I responded better than average to all medications. The average eggs retrieved is typically around 12, we had 16, succeeding in that area too. When we did the transfer my levels were perfect. There was no medical reason found as to why it didn't work. It just simply didn't. Of course they want us to try again, and their only real change to the process is to possibly do the stim shots longer to try and retrieve even more eggs since our disorder is knocking so many of them out. Fortunately, my work had some insurance changes this year, and I'm on a plan that may allow for up to $7,500.00 lifetime maximum to go towards IVF w/PGD. Since they also marked me as having PCOS I should be approved for this coverage, which would help tremendously. The medications, and other procedures will still be a lot. But it may be something we can do. I'm happy to have that kind of assistance at all.


They let me know that we could start the IVF process again immediately depending on my body and my next cycle. After really trying to think about the next best course, we have decided to plan on trying IVF (hopefully) again in April. Ill be able to get a more clear price quote in early April and go from there. I also would just be fooling myself if I thought Id be ready to jump back in to all of this next month with March being a very sensitive month already.

 

So - In this meantime, I will not focus my every thought on what I don't have and want so desperately. I will focus on different things. New goals. New dreams. This is not saying that our others wont come true, I just know I need a break. We have decided to make a few changes to our life now. I truly believe I need to stop numbly going through the motions

of life while waiting for this storm to pass. I feel that I've miserably wasted the last year and a half by doing this. I need to be happy now. I need to embrace the happy things in my life (more) now. So here's the plan.

 

1. I'm focusing on bettering myself.
• I'm a firm believer that you are responsible for your own happiness (yes, even still). Despite everything we've been through, I cannot just sit back and expect to just wake up happy one day pregnancy or no pregnancy. I decided to sign up for a 6 week fitness program at RAW Fitness. Currently we consume "mostly" healthy prepped meals during the work week and eat out/less healthy on weekends paired with working out 4 days a week but I easily find a reason to be upset and leave early or slack off. This program will consist of a very strict meal plan, no alcohol, and 4-5 high intense workouts a week. I already know I'll be grumpy, sore and sober regretting it after the first two days, but I think in the long run I need this type of discipline to make sure I put more effort into it. I'd love to go into a future pregnancy being at a more healthy weigh. Plus after all of the IVF medications causing weight gain and the on and off workout restrictions, I haven't been able to really focus on slimming down as much as I have wanted to, and lets face it, I'm a total stress eater. Being at a confident place body-wise has turned into another thing that I "want but don't have" and there's no reason for it now. I need to suck it up, and get it done. If I can do it, I will feel so unbelievably better about myself. I think that's a great place to start.
2. We are planning a trip.
• This fitness plan will be over right before my birthday. Instead of being depressed at how I'm another year older and should have two happy healthy kids by now, I'm going to celebrate and hopefully with a skinnier bod! I'm not sure when or where but I know that we will figure it out, and have a quick get-a-way to just relax and enjoy each other. Even just some fresh California air or Duck Creek scenery will be so refreshing. Its long overdue.
3. We got a puppy!
• Meet Laila <3 We have wanted another boxer for so long, and were so close to getting one so many times. Each time we would sit down with our "responsible" selves and decide its just too much right now. With this first round of IVF we were planning on having two embryos to transfer (instead of just the one) and having the very real possibility of twins. Two infants, two car seats, two large boxers and a tiny chihuahua?! Our car isn't even big enough for that life! So we again decided against it. Now that things are different, we decided to not wait anymore. We now have a window for this puppy to train without any additional responsibilities while keeping us busy. I know we sound like crazy dog people, but we are! Since everything with Liam, our dogs have just been different too. Its like they can feel the energy in our house is different. Its like they don't understand what happened when mom got all big, then brought home a baby, then never brought him back and smells and objects changed around the house. Having this new little puppy brought so much LIFE and HAPPY into our home again. Cassius has some one to play with (when he's not annoyed with her) and bring the puppy out of him again. I'm so so happy for this little sweet girl.

So, plain and simple right? I'm sure it sounds counter productive to take more on right now, but I really think its exactly what we need. I hope we get the most out of these upcoming months so we can be back to happy and strong when we need it most while trying again. Focusing on the other areas that I've neglected and improving them is something I do have control over and I'm really happy to have a goal that I can actually make happen. I'm excited to have a new addition to our fur baby family. Someone to shake up our routine. I'm happy to have a trip to look forward to that we will enjoy regardless instead of a doctor appointment that consists of either good or bad news. I know Ill still have bad days, but like they say, "Its a bad day, not a bad life". Even though sometimes it can feel the other way around. I want to be happy again. Really happy. I really believe this could be the right path to get back there.


As always, thank you all for your love, support, and understanding <3

The BFN.

Ill be honest.


This post is uncensored, raw, and real. Its not one to give "warm & fuzzies". Its not one I ever wanted to write. I do so, because I'm not the only one that's going through this. I'm not the only one that had $16,000.00 for IVF, $5,000.00 for PGD, and over $3,000.00 in specialty medications and injections thrown down the drain for absolutely nothing in return. Im writing this in case someone else is suffering while trying to grow their family and maybe needs to hear that its okay to be angry , tired and distraught. I know ill pull myself together again, but its not without all these feelings that come along with it. I cannot believe IVF failed for us. I thought we would at the very least have remaining frozen embryos to fall back on. We have nothing.  Well, I guess that's not entirely true. I have lovely lumps and bruises left over from progesterone shots. I still actually have some marks on my legs from stim shots before the egg retrieval. I look about four months pregnant (which is just exceptionally cruel) from all of the other hormones causing extreme bloating, stress eating, and from not being able to work out for the last few weeks. Oh, and I even have the mood swings of a raging PMSer and the ability to cry repeatedly at the drop of a hat. I also got to lead all of my friends and family down this amazing inspiring story just to get their hopes up to later let them crash and burn as well. So, I guess if you're a "glass half full" kind of person, you could say I got something out of it after all. I'm also sure I'm not the only one that's been through all of that either. Sadly, I know too well, there are many of us.


We were given remarkable odds for IVF. Because I've already naturally became pregnant, carried and given birth to Liam, my body was expected to be more accepting of the process. I'm healthy, active, and young. All the odds were in our favor. After the FET (frozen embryo transfer) I stayed on bed rest for three days, doctors orders. I tried to hit most of the "old wives tales"  that surrounded IVF success stories. I had been drinking 4+ liters of water daily, and morning smoothies (room temperature) for a few weeks leading up to the big day, and following. I had pineapple core, pomegranate juice, berries, nuts, avocado, healthy oils (coconut, extra virgin, etc), leafy greens, and more daily in addition to our regular balanced meals. I stayed away from anything frozen or cold. I immediately started avoiding the normal things you should while pregnant. After the three days, I went to work, came home and relaxed as instructed. I went on a few light walks with the pups, and enjoyed lots of funny and feel good movies. I was feeling great. I was positive. I had maybe two times where I could tell my blood pressure raised and I'm sure it was from being anxious. I did the best I could to take deep breathes and calm myself down. Everyone just "says" to not get stressed out. Lets not even get started on how unrealistic that even is. Its only everything on the line here while its all out of my control. When aching for your first born, remembering the miscarriages along with the other baby boy we should have had, and the constant yearning for a baby to have and hold to take home safely while realizing that it could all be happening right now inside your own body is the first thing and only thing on your mind every single moment of every single day, yeah, I guess it should be just so easy to not think about or stress about. Its only our life. But yeah, shame on me for "stressing" which I feel despite everything I did a great job avoiding.


On day eight (8dp5dt) I took a home pregnancy test. It was negative. I didn't let that scare me. I knew it was early, and when I was pregnant before I never was ever able to get a positive pregnancy test early. I just kept doing the things that distracted me, and made my days happy. I tested again (12dp5dt) the day before I was supposed to go to Red Rock Fertility to test. It was negative again. That's when I accepted it. I knew that there could be some miracle change and I was so open to that, but I knew, I wasn't pregnant. I knew it had failed. The next day came and sure enough, they confirmed it. It hurt just as bad as the day before.


There was so much lost emotionally. Not to mention the time it all took and the costs. Normally if you have a failed round you have other embryos to try and transfer. Its a matter of waiting a month or so and trying again, and again. If you don't have embryos left, well, you start all over from the beginning. If we could even try it again, it would be months to go through the checks again, birth control. stims, egg retrieval, testing, and IF we even get any healthy embryos - finally transfer....... All you do while you wait is try and stay hopeful. You envision your life and what it could be like if and when this process works. You lose yourself in that dream and all of its wonderfulness. Then that too is taken and you feel like a fool for thinking it in the first place.


Liam would have been two in upcoming March. TWO. Running, talking, growing. I have SO SO many closest friends and family that are starting and continuing their families. I should be pregnant with a toddler running around to catch right along side with them. It seems like the perfect foundation for the life I wanted FOR my children is surrounding me perfectly . Only its cruel because I have nothing to contribute but sorrow and failed attempts. I'm so happy for them, but so destroyed to not be with them. I just want that next chapter of life. I feel sad for my family. Knowing that it breaks them to know that this didn't work. The distant ones that I know feel for us, but avoid talking to us because they don't even know what to say or what they believe in anymore. I hate feeling responsible for so many other peoples pain. I feeling like because what's happened to us, has questioned their own faith. You know that girl that just lights up the room when she walks in? Well, when I enter a room, I feel like the dark cloud that reminds everyone of sadness, pain, and pity, making them feel uneasy. Now instead of focusing on holding myself together, I feel the pressure to try and make everyone else feel comfortable and show them how "okay" I am to put them at ease.  I want nothing more than to finally have news that will make them happy. I'd love to have park play dates and BBQs with my friends while all of our kids run around and play together. Now I'm not sure if this dark cloud will ever even leave us. I feel that I have failed. I feel ashamed and disgraced. I'm so unbelievably sad for everything. Its truly unbelievable. There are no words, no comfort, nothing that can fix what seems broken.


I don't want this all to be taken as "oh, woe is me". This is just what life is for us right now. Of course I'm angry and distraught, but that's okay. I'm okay. We really will be okay. I'm not sure what our next steps are. I know we will meet with Red Rock Fertility center to see if they have any feedback, but everything went so perfectly, I'm not sure if they will even have any. It is what it is. This just wasn't the miracle we were hoping it would be. I have no idea what to do now going forward. To be honest, I'm exhausted. I know Ill be taking some time to focus on myself again. I feel so lost in everything that its important for me to feel like me again. For now, Ill just surround myself with all the good in life. My husband. Our home. Our pups. Our family. Our friends. Hiking in the beautiful upcoming Spring scenery. Wine & LUSH Bath bombs. The little things. I don't know why we are here, or why these hardships have fallen on us. I know that its hardened me very much. Its changed me in many, many ways. I also know that's it's made my heart bigger, my marriage unconditional, my patience stronger and my compassion for others grow. These are things that some people lack their entire lives either by ignorance or circumstance. I never want to be that old bitter, mean, lonely woman. I'm so thankful for the angels and wonderful people in my life. Thank you for always being here, supporting, praying, and loving us. And for the other hurting mommas out there... Hopefully the miracle you're waiting for comes to you, and soon. Its so so easy to lose yourself in this process. Live while you wait for the storm to pass.


I promise. We will be okay.

IVF Timeline from Beginning to End (Round 1)

I know when I started this process, I wanted to know what type of timeline to expect. It helped me to have a clear idea of how long it would all take. Below is the timeline for our first round of IVF. Our round went perfectly. Nothing was set back or canceled. I responded perfectly to all meds and procedures. Below is our timeframe of our experience with IVF doing a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) from the beginning consult, through stims, egg retrieval, transfer and end result.


July 2015 - Scheduled a consultation with Red Rock Fertility. Our Treatment package was $16,000.00 for one round. PGD was $4,500.00. Stim Meds - $2,529.30. Transfer Meds $559.95. Round one total expenses, $23,589.25 plus insurance deductibles, etc.


September 8th 2015 - Our first appointment with Red Rock Fertility. They reviewed our case, discussed pricing and the overall process.
September 17th 2015 - Paid Genesis Genetics, Probe construction and research began.
September 29th 2015 - Diagnostic Testing, Ultrasound & Blood work, Female Exam, Day 3 cycle specific, Semen Analysis, Hormone check.
October 1st 2015 - Sonohysterography
October 4th 2015 - Preop labs.
October 6th 2015 - Surgery (Hysteroscopy) to examine uterine cavity
October  21st 2015 - Follow up Consult and Treatment plan. Began Birth Control Pills.
November 9th 2015 - Ordered Stim Medications/Injections from Integrity RX Pharmacy.
November 25th 2015 - Last birth control pill
December 1st 2015 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood work, Started Stims (Menopur & Gonal F).
December 4th 2015 - Ultrasound and Blood work, Increased Gonal F.
December 7th 2015 -  Ultrasound and Blood work

December 9th 2015 -  Ultrasound and Blood work, Trigger Shot.

December 11th 2015 - Egg Retrieval - Retrieved 16 eggs, 11 mature, 9 fertilized via ICSI. 7 made it to blast (day 5) and were sent for PGD testing.
December 24th 2015 - Back on birth control pill.
December 30th 2015 - Received the following results for our PGD testing.

1. 1 - Affected GACI Carrier
2. 2 - Affected GACI Carrier
3. 3 - Other Chromosome Abnormalities
4. 4 - Affected GACI Carrier
5. 5 - Unaffected GACI Carrier (5AA Baby girl)
6. 6 - Unknown (Sent to retest and embryo didn't survive thaw)
7. 7 - Affected GACI Carrier

January 8th 2016 - Last birth control pill
January 13th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood work.
January 14th 2016 - Began 1 tab Estrace Estrogen and baby aspirin daily.
January 18th 2016 - Ultrasound and Blood work.
January 21st 2016 - Started Estrogen Patch, increase Estrace Estrogen to 2 tabs daily.
January 22nd 2016 - Ultrasound and Blood work.
January 25th 2016 - Ultrasound and Blood work. Began Progesterone in oil injections, and progesterone cream daily.
January 27th 2016 - Begin Medrol (four days) increase Estrace Estrogen to 3 tabs daily.
January 30th 2016 - Transfer Day - Transferred 1 5AA Baby Girl.
Following transfer during the two week wait - Continue Estrace Estrogen 3 tabs , Baby aspirin, Prenatal, Estrogen patch, Progesterone injection and Progesterone cream.
February 3rd 2016 - Hormone check, Progesterone - 39.55, Estradiol - 412.5
February 8th 2016 - Hormone check, Progesterone - 38.17, Estradiol - 344.4
February 12th 2016 - Hormone check, Progesterone - 45.36, Estradiol - 561.4, HCG - 0

 

IVF Round 1 - BFN, Fail.
We plan to meet with out doctor to see if she has any feedback on our cycle. :(


Update
We met with our IVF Dr and she said everything went perfectly and she has no insight as to why our round failed. Looking at my levels, the embryo quality, etc, there's no reason why it shouldn't have been successful.

Our FET Day!

Well! After what feels like years have passed since we started this process, the time was finally here for our IVF Transfer! I was ordered to start two forms of progesterone 5 days before our scheduled FET and had a steroid 4 days leading up to the FET. I was, and currently am still on estrogen three times a day, on an estrogen patch, taking prenatals and baby aspirin, and now two different forms of progesterone (cream and PIO injection). HORMONE OVERLOAD. Overall I've been feeling fine, and really, really looking forward to transfer.

With all of the preparations for this process, I think I expected more out of it. We arrived to Sunset Surgery Center (associated with Red Rock Fertility) a little earlier than my appointment time. I was immediately given a gown, robe, and hair net and asked to wait with Justin in the procedure room. We sat there for maybe 20 minutes or so in what felt like 100 degree heat, which freaked me out because usually surgery rooms are cold.... I assumed it had something to do with the embryo, its temperature, and the process. Nurses were coming in and out preparing everything. Eventually I was laid back and strapped in. They also require a full bladder for the process, which I was prepared for, but I was not prepared to have this full bladder, and then wait 20 additional minutes before the process. Eventually they wheeled in this NICU incubator thing, that contained our embryo. They were able to zoom in 100x to get a clear picture of her. When the process actually started, I was beyond uncomfortably full. The process itself was very similar to a regular OBGYN exam for a woman. They took the embryo out of the incubator and used tools to place her inside of me. It took maybe less than 5 minutes tops. I was awake the entire time and it was completely painless besides the full bladder. They asked me to sit and wait, for an additional 10-15 minutes without moving, sneezing, stressing or laughing. Which, I mean, I'm usually doing ONE of those things... Lol And not to mention, now I had to PEE SO SO BADLY and now the only thing I can think about is how badly I had to pee and all my fears of peeing out this little precious embryo we just spent months on to implant. Obviously, the science behind the fact that the embryo was placed in my uterus and my bladder has nothing to do with that, should have reassured me, but its all I could think about... So, after laying there, in silence, resting we were finally told to go home and rest. I was on bed rest for that entire day, and pretty close to bed rest for the next two days. After the two days, I could go back to normal activity, but no exercise, stress, running, or heavy lifting. Those were my instructions for the next two weeks. I'm still on all the medication as before.

I feel completely normal. I don't have any symptoms. The symptoms I convince myself I do have could also be explained by all of the medication. There's no way of knowing if she is sticking. There's no indication of anything really. Its waiting alone, in the dark, for two very long weeks clinging on to the hope that this little girl will hang on and be ours forever. No pressure.

Wishing us all faith, trust and baby dust! Until next time. <3

Embryo Update :: PGD/PGS Results

We started out this journey harvesting 16 eggs. 11 were mature, 9 were fertilized and 7 made it to day five of growing. In the end, we had 7 embryos to test for our disorder.


Typically some come back abnormal for random reasons, and some will come back with the disorder that they are specifically being tested for, in our case, IIAC/GACI. I was so unbelievably hopeful that with going into this with 7 to test, we would get 3 or 4 for sure to keep on ice so we had the opportunity to try at least 1-3 rounds of IVF if needed. I hoped that we would be lucky enough for it to work the first time, with implanting one or two, and then have the remaining embryo(s) frozen for a sibling later. If you already have the embryos frozen, a future transfer isn't nearly as expensive as a full cycle, because you wouldn't need to go through the diagnostic testing, injections or retrieve eggs again. You would just skip to the transferring of the eggs part, and see if it works. I was so hopeful for all of this. After all, each embryo only had a 25% chance of being an affected carrier.

I finally got the call with the test results from our embryos. Only 1 of the 7 are healthy and eligible to transfer. From what I was specifically told, all of the other 6 embryos had GACI/IIAC. None of them were abnormal in any other way. Ill get a more detailed explanation of everything on soon when the lab specialist/Dr calls with the full breakdown. I'm really hoping, somehow, there was some mistake somewhere.


I am so so unbelievably grateful for this one. This one perfect one! But I feel that so much was lost as well. The pressure and fears associated with this process anyways is so much. The cost (Which we have gotten overwhelming support with), the injections, the drawn out timeline, the risks, the odds, etc. I tried everything to ease myself of the stress. The help with the cost alone took off so so much pressure, and I am so grateful for that. Then knowing that because of having such a high number of eggs retrieved to start with, I was in a much better position to have more healthy embryos. This gave me a sense of a safety blanket. Like, if this didn't work out the first time, it was okay, and I had more, I would just have to be strong enough to keep trying. I could do that. It also reassured me that the possibility of twins was realistic (though risky), or at least still having two (living) children total to grow our family. Now Im left feeling that even though our odds are still good with this remaining egg, our fate is still not in any way guaranteed. Instead of feeling like this was another first chance, I feel as if it could be our only and last. If this one egg doesn't work, we have nothing to fall back on. All of the money put in would be lost and for nothing in return. Any hopes to try again would mean starting from the very beginning and cost an additional 20k (We are saving 6k because our probe for the testing is already built.... What a deal huh....). And not to make it sound like its all about the money, but when you don't have it ..... It certainly does limit things. I know anything is possible still, but wow.


I was so proud of having so much faith and optimism. I felt much less stress and was so ready to go into this with a good positive, confident attitude. I knew that through all of our losses, it was possible to still have what we've always wanted. Now it feels like everything is riding on this one shot, and its all completely out of my hands. To say the least, I am so completely fearful.


2016 is a new year. New insurance benefits were offered. In addition to our genetic situation (Which we have yet to have anyone cover) I also had the diagnosis of PCOS. If that is true, that should mark me under the "infertile" category on paper and may help with funding a part of any future needed rounds, if that's the way we go. Im not by any means thinking this round wont work. But reassuring myself that maybe it doesn't all depend on this one little tiny egg gives me a better peace of mind. Our little remaining egg is in excellent healthy condition I was told. He or She has every chance at making it. We have every chance at a successful full term pregnancy resulting in a birth of a healthy baby. I still feel like it will work. I still feel hopeful. Ive still read and heard of much MUCH worse scenarios and suffering by other parents going this route. I know we still have so much on our side, and that this is all very very possible for us. The fact that we were given this opportunity to try at all is a miracle that I am very, very grateful for. After all, it only takes "one".


Our embryo transfer is set for the end of January. Then we will wait and see!

Egg Retrieval and Embie Update

Well! Our Retrieval Day was on the 11th and went very, very well. I felt fine leading up to and on the day of retrieval. I didn't notice many side effects from the injections other than some minimal bloating, and I was a bit on the emotional side. Luckily not the crazy hormonal side, just the crying a little more randomly and a bit more over the moon happy and positive. It was nice actually. After retrieval I felt fine, I came home and slept most of the day, ate ice cream and watched movies. The following days I experienced more and more swelling. So much swelling, that I looked very very VERY pregnant. I even woke in my sleep one night to use the bathroom and felt that I was in a very real flashback of waking up while carrying Liam in the middle of the night to do the same, trying to roll out of bed, hold my belly and waddle over to the bathroom. Queue random crying.
Originally after the procedure I was told to expect some minor PMS like pains and cramps and if it was anything more to go to the ER, and that I would be good to resume my daily routine the following day. So here I am with completely different pains and immense swelling - panicking but trying to stay calm and tell my self its fine. I call and talk to my nurse & thank God I took it easy for so many days because I was told very, very wrong information from the discharge nurse. My Dr was wondering why I wasn't already in pain and that it was definitely better. She also explained that I was not clear to go back to my normal routine, and the swelling is normal, and was also expected to get worse before it got better. Wow. I was so reassured that what I was feeling was normal! I was so worried that something was wrong and I was at risk for OHSS (Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) is a medical condition affecting the ovaries of some women who take fertility medication to stimulate egg growth. Most cases are mild, but rarely the condition is severe and can lead to serious illness or worse.). It took 6 days, but I finally felt back to normal and having my swelling going to normal. I am so so so happy that everything went well and that I healed as well and fast as I did.


I am happy to say that we retrieved 16 eggs! 11 of them were mature, and 9 successfully fertilized via ICSI. After 5 days, lucky 7 of them made it to blast. A good explanation of the process of the embryos after retrieval can be found here (https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/ob-gyn/fertility-center/our-services/infertility-treatment/ivf/ivf-step-by-step.aspx) Now they will be tested (PGS and PGD) and frozen until transfer. We are unbelievably happy to have so many make it to this stage.

Now we are waiting for our results to see how many transfer eligible embabies we have. Our transfer should be in January if everything works as planned. Until then, we wait, relax, and enjoy this happy news and place that we are in right now. I remember being disappointed at the timeline of this IVF process because originally I thought I would be transferring in November and December. Now that we are this far in the process, Im glad that I have been able to enjoy the holidays without the stress of worry and pressure of the "two week wait". Im really happy to have this holiday time to be us, remember, honor and miss our Liam, and get a fresh start in the new year.






Everything has been going so well so far. We are unbelievably blessed, happy and thankful. Thank you all for your continued support and love. Happy Holidays!

Our Stims Experience and Update!

Hello!


Stim update - We began stims on December 1st. We were prescribed Gonal F, Menopur, Cetrotide, Pregnyl, Zithromax, and Fluconazole. I know when I was getting ready to start and in the process I was so curious to compare with others. I really appreciated those that opened their lives and shared their progress. It was so nice to hear others thoughts and experiences. Here's a little breakdown of our progress.

 

Blood Tests and Ultrasounds
Baseline Tests (Day 1 prior to injections)

• Estradiol - 55.30
• Follicular Ultra Sound - 3 Follicles on Left Ovary, 3 Follicles on Right Ovary.

 

12/4 Tests (Stim Day 4)

• Estradiol -  837.3
• Follicular Ultra Sound - 5 Follicles on Left Ovary, 10+ Follicles on Right Ovary.

 

12/7 Tests (Stim Day 7)

• Estradiol -  2710
• Follicular Ultra Sound - 6 Follicles on Left Ovary, 10+ Follicles on Right Ovary.

 

12/9 Tests (Stim Day 9)

• Estradiol -  2664
• Follicular Ultra Sound - 9 Follicles on Left Ovary, 10+ Follicles on Right Ovary.

 

Stims  Process

Stims Day 1 - 3

• Gonal F 175 & Menopur Vile
   

Stims Day 4 - 6

• Gonal F 100 & Menopur Vile
   

Stims Day 7 - 8

• Gonal F 100, Menopur, Cetrotite
   

Stims Day 9

• Trigger Shot Pregnyl
   

Stims Day 10

• No Shots!  Oral Pills Zithromax, and Fluconazole.
   

Day 11

• Retrieval Day!

The first night starting injections I felt very hot and almost dizzy afterwards. I'm pretty sure this was from me building up so much anxiousness about it. I could feel movement that almost felt like bubbles in my lower stomach. I may have just been over analyzing everything, but I swear I could feel bubbles! The Menopur BURNS, but its short lived. The Gonal F was easy and pain free. I those my legs for the injection site, and iced the area for 10-15 minutes prior to having my husband injecting them. When the Cetrotite was added I was afraid that the longer needle (3/4 vs the 1/2 I was used to) would hurt more. It was effortless and pain free too. At least it didn't burn! Doing all three in a night wasn't awful either. On the third day I started to feel pressure and bloating. I didn't gain any weight but I could feel the difference in my stomach. On day 6-8 it was on and off pressure and bloating. I was careful when sitting down because the pressure became so much. It wasn't painful, I was just overly cautious. The day of the trigger shot I was SO worried. The Pregnyl shot needle was almost 3 inches long - AND had to be injected in the rear! EEKeeekkkk! Again, all the fear and anticipation for nothing, it was no more painful than the others and didn't burn at all. It hurt the next day feeling extremely bruised, but it was easy. :)


So far I'm so thankful that I have responded so well to everything. I'm so happy that the injections weren't torturous and that my husband is sweet and supportive enough to be gentle about it all! I'm glad that I didn't turn into some raging hormonal nutcase either! I was actually extra happy during most of this time. I'm really excited about retrieval but not looking forward to being back to just waiting. I feel so helpless and down when there's nothing I can do to work towards our future little potential children. I will be looking forward to a break in the process to just relax, but after about a day Ill be back to anxiousness. Hopefully the holidays will be a great distraction while we visit with our families and loved ones.


Hoping, wishing and praying for many, MANY healthy quality IIAC free eggs!

Starting IVF Injections! First Day of Stims!

Leading up to the point of finally starting injections was (there's SO many words I could use right now...) - HARD.


I was SO anxious, stressed, worried, excited, scared, nervous, depressed, restless, frustrated, impatient, and just, ugh, all if it.... x 1,000. I have been so wrapped up in it all. To the point that I couldn't sleep at night, because I literally could not stop thinking about it all. Its all I want in the world to have a family. To have a baby that is healthy and home with us. Its my biggest dream of all dreams. Between missing Liam and longing for that family feeling again, I've been a wreck. All these scenarios and fears would just run on repeat in my head. I would feel like I just laid in bed, with my eyes closed all night without sleeping for a minute. If I dreamt, it was about IVF or hospitals, or stress in general. Just once, JUST ONCE, I would love to just have a peaceful dream about Liam, something that would comfort me, and reassure me that he's handpicking a sibling, but instead, Ive just been 100% unable to stop stressing, wondering and worrying about it all, about what our future will hold. 


I KNOW this is out of my hands.
I KNOW this is out of my contol.
I KNOW there is nothing I can do to "make" it happen.
I KNOW regardless of if we every have living children or not, that we will be "okay".


But I want it. So. Badly. Even with accepting all of these things and telling myself not to stress about it all, and giving myself endless discractions to give myself a break, It was obvoius I was failing miserably. I couldnt "turn it off". I would wake up thinking about everything - What could go wrong, what already has, what we have lost, what we should have...... Its consuming. Its awful. I just kept telling myself, to keep going, and it will all work itself out...


We had out baseline ultrasound and bloodwork appointment to get the green light to finally start injections. Simple appointment right? I truely believe this is what has been adding to my stress. I was so worried, that they would find something that would prevent this IVF round. My biggest "comfort" for this process in the beginning was my health. At least Im healthy! I have/had asmtha, but I lift and work out regularly and acomplished a half marathon, Ive got this! I was so happy that above everything else, I had my health. It would help my odds, everything would be great, and I had that on our side. When they told me about PCOS, I was hurt. I thought AT LEAST through all of this, that me, my eggs and ability to make a baby were what they should be. I think that knowing this made me feel more helpless. I think subliminally, I was so worried that my health would be another odd against us. I was starting to feel bad physically. I would get dizzy and feel my blood pressure rise for no reason. It was just constant reminders of everything that is wrong. I kept trying to stay positive, but it was a never-ending, exhausting process.


BUT - We had the appointment. Everything is GREAT! The ultrasound tech said that we were "boringly normal". THANK YOU!!! After hearing this, and getting the "okay" to start injections, it was just a relief! I was still so scared about the actual shots, but FINALLY! Finally WE get to actually get to do something! Since July this process has just been alot of payments, blood work, phone calls, and appointments. Now, we are starting it! I just wish I knew this is what had been bothering me this whole time.... What a torturos period of stress... For nothing...

                             

SO! Stims night #1!
I was so scared. How hard do you push the needle in? Do you do it quick or slow? Jab or push!? And there's TWO of them!? I didn't even want to try it myself, so, in steps my big strong brave man husband, Dr. Schlosser. I chose the top of my legs for the injection site... I have to sit on my bottom all day so that was not ideal. My arms? Not a chance... and my stomach? EEKkkkk... I cant. My legs gave me less anxiety... So I went with that. I used an ice pack for about 20 minutes to numb the area ( I had heard that makes a great difference) while Dr. Schlosser measured the dosage, mixed the solutions and attached the needle. I was "okay" during this time... Still on a high from getting the green light to start.. Then he had the syringe in his hand, ready to go, about two inches from my leg.... All the panic in the world came over me in that one moment. He did it quickly because he knew I would just get more worked up. It poked. It burned. It bled. It was over. EASY!


The next one was more like a pen, same type of needle, but you had to hold it in the skin for 5 seconds after the medication was released. I was nervous about that, but, again, it was even less painful than the first one. The ice pack REALLY helped, I don't think I even felt the needle, just the medicine being pushed through. To be honest, I felt hot, and a little tingly from the shots, but I think it was more from being SO worked up and stressed about the idea of it than a reaction to the actual medication. I'm SO SO SO beyond thankful and appreciative of my husband. He's unbelievably dedicated, supportive and loving to me. I put two shots in his hand and he was SO gentle, focused, and kind. I may be getting a bit ahead of myself since this was only day one, but I'm really looking forward to these next two weeks and getting this part of the process going. I hope we get an abundance of eggs to start with - a percentage will be eliminated from fertilization problems, abnormal chromosomes, and ruled out from our genetic disorder. The more we have to start with, the more we should have after all the tests are complete. IF for any reason round 1 doesn't work, if we have remaining embryos, we wont have to repeat this part of the process for round 2, we would just be able to transfer our remaining embryos. That's very comforting to know as a backup option.


So far, Stim day #2 is going well. I'm not sure if I'm still just overly happy and excited from beginning everything or if its already the hormone overload, but I've been in a GREAT mood all morning, got myself out of bed on time (rare), and almost randomly started crying to two different songs from Adele's 25 albumn on my drive to work.... For no reason at all. My leg is barely sore, and I feel great! I know that the side effects will come and I will be more sore, etc. But, I'm hoping the rest of the process goes just as smoothly! Ill take all the happy I can get in the meantime!


Thank you (everyone) again for your continued love, support, positive thoughts and prayers. Please keep it coming! We love you all. - The Schlossers

Shots, Hormones & Turkey

Another step forward!


Big news! This week my medications arrived!!! And - Wow. Its a bit intimidating. First of all, after my insurance, the cost was $3000.00 just for what you see in the picture below and is not included in what was paid for the IVF package. Luckily we qualified for a discount and got it lowered a bit, which I am very thankful. I tried to ask over the phone what I was paying for. I couldn't even understand the prescription names they were naming off. My anxiousness drove me to look up the names that I guessed they were to see what I was in for. After an overload of information, I decided to just chill, and wait it out so I don't work my self up over side affects and risks. So, a few days later this box arrives and in contains the following.

21 Injections -

• Menopur Injections 10
• Pregnyl Intramuscular Solution - 1
• Gonal-F Injection Pen - 6
• Cetrotide Injection Kit - 4

3 Tablets -

• Azithromycin Tab 500mg - 2
• Fluconazole Tab 150mg - 1

Red Rock Fertility Office Visits

• Countless.....

21 INJECTIONS!? EEK! I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a bit of a pity melt down of "Why us!? Why does it have to be this way? Why is this so much and so hard!? Why cant I just get knocked up and have healthy babes like its supposed to be?" - and so on and so forth. Gahhhh.... But. This is the road we are on. This is the journey we are in. I don't know if this is where we were "destined" to be or not, but this is where we are. I have the strongest, most understanding and caring husband by my side and a million blessings to be thankful for. So, I took a deep breathe, and decided not to worry about the shots until I have to. Which, will be the week of Thanksgiving. I will be scared. It will hurt. Its not romantic. Ill be a hormonal mess and most likely bloat up like a balloon from what I've been hearing but you know what? I. Don't. Care. Ill do whatever I need to do. The pain and emotions will be worth it in the end. This is our opportunity for a family. One that I hope to have and watch grow and age. If it weren't for science, we may have had to go through much, much more loss and tragedy if we would have even had the courage to try at all. I'm very thankful that we have this opportunity at all. It may not work round one. It may not work at all. But It may! It may work on our first try. We may even get two for one! Whatever the outcome is, I have, very little, if any, control over it. So, in my opinion, its not anything I should worry about (saying and doing are two completely different things, but I'm trying!). I'm trying so desperately to not look at this as a "last chance" but instead as a great opportunity at a miracle. It could happen!


So, in the next coming weeks, while most will be baking for their families, sharing turkey dinners with the sounds of children playing in the background, and black Friday shopping to build an inventory of surprises for Christmas morning, Ill be experimenting with injections, trying to not torture my husband with raging hormones, and missing my baby boy - wondering what he would look like now, what he would be getting in to, and what his personality would be. Liam is so, so genuinely missed in everything we do. Every event or holiday we go to (amongst everything else) feels wrong. Its obvious that he is missing and its hard. But this is what life and the holidays are for me, for my husband, and our family. There's nothing to be done to change it. I have accepted that. The grief and sadness will always be with us. This doesn't mean that we cant be happy too. With WHOLE hearts we feel it all. We hurt, love and miss Liam. We are scared and excited about what the future could bring. We are happy for all of the love and support we have from each other. We are grateful to begin the very real steps of IVF in hopes to announce a new addition next year. I am overwhelmed with all the love I have for my nieces, nephews, and cousins. Through them and my friends children, I have been able to embrace my maternal side. For this too I am so thankful. I'm proud that I haven't been too hardened over the recent years. I'm blessed to still be able to see and feel so much love.


I wont pretend that the sadness and pain doesn't exist. It does very, very much so. It exists in every smile, every memory, every happy moment, every beautiful moment, and grows stronger when bad times arise. I accept it. And I'm still able to find a happy. I'm in love. I'm okay.  I'm still able to see the beauty in so many things. I soak up all the happy moments and pause to soak them in. I embrace everything that makes me happy no matter if its a stupid laugh from the most recent ridiculous thing the Kardasians have done to hearing my nieces read a poem about love off my refrigerator together in perfect harmony while thinking no one can hear them. I am happy. I am blessed. I am going to go into this with the most positive outlook that I can. I just ask that those around me can be compassionate and patient with us. There's a lot on the line these upcoming months. Emotions are high and I have no idea what to expect. Love with us, laugh with us, and please hope and pray for us.

Follow Up Consult - The Course of Action

We finally had our follow up appointment to review all of the diagnostic testing we completed over the last month! All of Justin's tests came back normal. Use your imagination here so I don't actually have to type out what "tests" these are.... Let just say, all requirements needed by Justin are met, and he is good to go. ;)

My tests also came back great. Everything was normal except a high Vitamin A (not a bad thing I guess... Just unusual?) and my egg quantity was high. I was distracted and overwhelmed with excitement so I didn't really take that in, and assumed, more eggs equal more eligible embryos! Well... Apparently this is not the case. A condition known as PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) was brought up. I missed this completely during the consult. It wasn't until I got home and thought about it that I actually looked it up. Im not going to really dive in to all of that right now... Its still hard for me to even believe, although it could explain a lot. I want to review it in more detail with my Dr before taking it too seriously. Regardless, they said it wont have any affect on our success rates or IVF outcome.

But all other systems are a GO! This IS great news. I was also able to have a timeline wrote out for our "IVF Treatment Plan".

1. 1.Begin Birth Control Pills for the next month (right along with the prenatal I've been taking for years). This way they will know when to schedule the following steps and procedures.
2. Late November I will have an appointment to learn how to administer two injection shots. Then I will begin the 10 day process of those injections. I will be using Gonal-F (This medication is used to treat certain fertility problems in women. It provides the hormone (FSH) that helps cause the ovaries to produce eggs. This medication is usually used in combination with another hormone (hCG) for the growth and release of a mature egg (ovulation)) & Menopur (This medication is used to treat certain fertility problems in women. It provides follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteinizing hormone (LH) that help healthy ovaries to make eggs. This medication is usually used in combination with another hormone (human chorionic gonadotropin-hCG) to help you become pregnant by bringing about the growth and release of a mature egg (ovulation)). They seem similar in their descriptions, but I guess both are needed.
3. I will then have three appointments within that week to monitor how the injections are cooperating with my body. Blood work will be tested at each of these appointments.
4. Mid December I will have my retrieval (when they retrieve eggs, create embryos and grow them.) After the embryos are at a certain stage they will complete the PGS and PGD testing on them (PGS is to check the overall chromosomal normalcy in embryos. PGD is to test for our specific genetic condition)
5. Late January Ill have two more blood tests and should have embryo results including how many eligible embryos we have.
6. Late January/Early February I should expect to transfer the remaining eligible embryos!

I am really really grateful and happy that we are this far. I'm incredibly thankful for everyone that has helped us get this far and for everyone's continued support and prayers. This timeline feels like a really long road to travel. Especially because we started the beginning steps for this journey in July. Now the soonest (best case scenario) pregnancy we could hope to have wouldn't be until February. Eight months in total. This in the grand scheme of IVF things, it actually a good turnaround time. Its just really emotionally draining on our end still. The timeline is a bit of a  trigger for me because our first attempt of "trying" after we lost Liam resulted in a pregnancy in January and was unsuccessful. During Liam's first birthday, I was stuck in a 2 week wait period hoping for another pregnancy. A pregnancy that came, and should have been due December 12th of this year. Feeling the added grief of Liam's birthday on top of the stress of a new pregnancy at the same time is really, really hard. Not to mention the stress and constant pressure to stay calm and peaceful (which really just adds to your stress) during this sensitive time in the pregnancy, feels like insanity. I really really really was hoping for a pregnancy that was far enough along that I could feel a little more confident about it while embracing the two year anniversary of Liam's birthday. I really don't want to sound ungrateful. I am SO GRATEFUL. But if I'm being completely honest with myself, having faith for new life while honoring and grieving a loss is conflicting. It feels so unnatural and overwhelming. I would put if off, but I don't feel that it would make a difference. There will always be something. Some type of trigger or event that will make me feel this way. I think its just another part of the process. I just need to hold my head high, keep having faith, and do everything in my power to have a successful IVF round. I know we are making huge steps towards our future. I am really blessed to have such amazing people in my life. I'm thankful for our success rates and for how far we've already come. I don't know how anyone could do this on their own. Im so happy to have the amount of supporters we have. I know Liam's with us every step of the way.

Looking forward to many positive, happy, and productive posts to come!

Cycle Specifics, Genesis Consult and Insurance Challenges

After our consult we agreed to a series of appointments to check our hormones, general health, sperm quality, uterus and more. It started with blood work (a lot of blood work), a "Schlosser" sample from my husband, and a Physical Exam/Gyn Ultrasound for me. Then there were "cycle specific" tests that had to be scheduled around my specific cycle. Once that started it led to a son-hysterogram, more blood work, and finally a Hysteroscopy. That was a fun week. All the tests were split on different days. Sometimes we went to Red Rock Fertility twice in the same day. I was so greatful to have a boss that was understanding and flexible with my schedule at work. Luckily my husband had the same flexibility so I didn't have to do anything alone. A great rock that Mr Schlosser... As of now, all the tests are done, and they have the results. We have a follow up consult later this month review everything, pay in full (welp... ) and start the actual process.

That same day, in between two other appointments, we had our over the phone consult with Genesis.
Since they were sent all of the information on September 8th, I assumed the 4-6 week expectation of the probe completion started then. It did not. Genesis would not begin any part of your process until they are paid in full. We actually had to pay them to even get this over the phone consult scheduled. $4000.00 and three weeks later, we got our consult. They explained that they would need cheek swabs from us for DNA, and requested to use a sample from Liam for DNA. I understand this sounds morbid and awful. These are the things they just sort of throw at you in situations like this. What are you going to do..? Refuse? Cry? Get even more frustrated? For what....? So... After the blow of hearing that request out loud, we consented. This would give them the best picture of the exact breakdown of the disorder and would give them every best chance of screening for it using the probe. It was essential. In a way we were lucky to even have any type of anything left from Liam. Not everyone even has that option. We were grateful. Also knowing Liam had a part in helping us with his future siblings gave me a bit of comfort in a way. By the following week, they had the DNA they needed from everyone, they were paid, and were officially starting the process. It would take an estimated 4-6 weeks for the probe to be complete. I hope its done by our follow up appointment, and we can start the process as soon as possible.

After our consult with Red Rock Fertility, I began the process to have IVF approved through my insurance. My employer is great. My insurance is great. The fact that the wording is so specific enough in our actual contract is cruel. They denied our request. Even though my policy specifically says

"Criteria for coverage of embryo genetic testing prior to implantation: Either donor has an inherited disease or is a documented carrier of a genetically-linked inheritable disease"

they still denied us. We literally had documentation of both of us being carriers and effected children. Even if they would have approved that part, there was still the 20k they would not. We appealed. I wrote a letter explaining everything, had it proofread, included letters of recommendation from my OB and two genetic counselors, and included all of the documentation proving our condition. The medical staff that helped are highly accredited in Nevada. I felt SO hopeful for this. But, It too, was denied. After our family pleaded to help us, we opened a GoFundMe account to help with costs. If it wasn't for the love and support of our family and friends, I truly do not know what we would do. (You know who you are & Thank you). 

 Hopefully all goes well on our next appointment. I'm already getting so anxious about starting everything. I'm so excited to begin, and possibly be that much closer to having another child. I'm also getting really nervous from all of the horror stories that I've heard of others enduring during this process. The injections, medications, side effects, etc - Ugh... I used to think that IVF was an "easy" alternative - just expensive - for those who were battling infertility. I had no idea what these women were expected to go through. I had no idea the emotional toll, success rates, demanding scheduling and the actual physical pain involved. I never really gave it much thought at all until it applied to us. If I've learned anything in the last year, its not to judge people... No matter how "easy" it seems things came to them, or how "happy" them make their life appear - There's always more to it. Its not really anyone else's business anyways. The perfect seeming couple with two adorable perfect children that I seem to ALWAYS notice at the grocery store - Theres no telling what they went through for their family. How their relationship really is. Why waste time on feeling bitter when I don't even know their story or struggle. Maybe there isn't one and they are just lucky and perfect, and if thats the case, good for them too! We could all be so lucky. I'm finding so much peace in letting things go. Especially the things I create in my own assumptions that I let bother me. I have too much good in my life to worry about anyone else. I want to stay in my own little bubble with my close family and friends. They make me happy. They are what I care about. I hope this process is KIND to me. In the meantime, I'm going to try and have sane person thoughts and not let my self get overwhelmed with the constant urge to reproduce and nurture.