The Plan...

As you know, our journey to starting a family has been a long and very unexpected one. When we tried the first time, it was easy. After the miscarriage it took some time to recover but when the time came and we tried again, within a couple months we were pregnant with Liam. It was scary to be constantly in fear of miscarriage again, but the pregnancy was so happy and blissful. I thought I was through the worst of the worst. Then we lost Liam. Then we learned why. Then after about seven months of healing and researching our options, decided to take a huge leap of faith and try for another child naturally. When that resulted in another miscarriage and another loss from the same genetic disorder as Liam, we were at a new rock bottom. Since then, we started IVF w/PGD and after a very, very long road of that also failing, we again, are at a new rock bottom. Since 2012 my focus has been starting a family. After having and losing Liam in 2014 and experiencing  losing everything thing that we'd wanted for so long, having more children had become my everything. I would wake up and my first thoughts would be all of the loss and emptiness from the last few years. I'd have to regularly talk my self out of that depression every single morning and replace it with all the things I was doing to help us have a child. I would force myself to be positive. Its all I could ever think about. With every other pregnancy announcement, every niece/nephew/cousin's birthday party, every holiday gathering, every party night out all I could think of is what our lives should have been like vs what it actually is and how to just get the happy times back. Everything hurt all the time. I thought I was doing what needed to be done by forcing it, you know "fake it till you make it", but now after its gone on for so long, I'm not sure that's still the best course. I realize now I haven't been happy and I've neglected or half assed a lot of other areas in my life as a result. Its went on for too long.


We had a consult with our Dr at Red Rock Fertility Center to review our failed IVF cycle. She said exactly what we expected her to. I responded better than average to all medications. The average eggs retrieved is typically around 12, we had 16, succeeding in that area too. When we did the transfer my levels were perfect. There was no medical reason found as to why it didn't work. It just simply didn't. Of course they want us to try again, and their only real change to the process is to possibly do the stim shots longer to try and retrieve even more eggs since our disorder is knocking so many of them out. Fortunately, my work had some insurance changes this year, and I'm on a plan that may allow for up to $7,500.00 lifetime maximum to go towards IVF w/PGD. Since they also marked me as having PCOS I should be approved for this coverage, which would help tremendously. The medications, and other procedures will still be a lot. But it may be something we can do. I'm happy to have that kind of assistance at all.


They let me know that we could start the IVF process again immediately depending on my body and my next cycle. After really trying to think about the next best course, we have decided to plan on trying IVF (hopefully) again in April. Ill be able to get a more clear price quote in early April and go from there. I also would just be fooling myself if I thought Id be ready to jump back in to all of this next month with March being a very sensitive month already.

 

So - In this meantime, I will not focus my every thought on what I don't have and want so desperately. I will focus on different things. New goals. New dreams. This is not saying that our others wont come true, I just know I need a break. We have decided to make a few changes to our life now. I truly believe I need to stop numbly going through the motions

of life while waiting for this storm to pass. I feel that I've miserably wasted the last year and a half by doing this. I need to be happy now. I need to embrace the happy things in my life (more) now. So here's the plan.

 

1. I'm focusing on bettering myself.
• I'm a firm believer that you are responsible for your own happiness (yes, even still). Despite everything we've been through, I cannot just sit back and expect to just wake up happy one day pregnancy or no pregnancy. I decided to sign up for a 6 week fitness program at RAW Fitness. Currently we consume "mostly" healthy prepped meals during the work week and eat out/less healthy on weekends paired with working out 4 days a week but I easily find a reason to be upset and leave early or slack off. This program will consist of a very strict meal plan, no alcohol, and 4-5 high intense workouts a week. I already know I'll be grumpy, sore and sober regretting it after the first two days, but I think in the long run I need this type of discipline to make sure I put more effort into it. I'd love to go into a future pregnancy being at a more healthy weigh. Plus after all of the IVF medications causing weight gain and the on and off workout restrictions, I haven't been able to really focus on slimming down as much as I have wanted to, and lets face it, I'm a total stress eater. Being at a confident place body-wise has turned into another thing that I "want but don't have" and there's no reason for it now. I need to suck it up, and get it done. If I can do it, I will feel so unbelievably better about myself. I think that's a great place to start.
2. We are planning a trip.
• This fitness plan will be over right before my birthday. Instead of being depressed at how I'm another year older and should have two happy healthy kids by now, I'm going to celebrate and hopefully with a skinnier bod! I'm not sure when or where but I know that we will figure it out, and have a quick get-a-way to just relax and enjoy each other. Even just some fresh California air or Duck Creek scenery will be so refreshing. Its long overdue.
3. We got a puppy!
• Meet Laila <3 We have wanted another boxer for so long, and were so close to getting one so many times. Each time we would sit down with our "responsible" selves and decide its just too much right now. With this first round of IVF we were planning on having two embryos to transfer (instead of just the one) and having the very real possibility of twins. Two infants, two car seats, two large boxers and a tiny chihuahua?! Our car isn't even big enough for that life! So we again decided against it. Now that things are different, we decided to not wait anymore. We now have a window for this puppy to train without any additional responsibilities while keeping us busy. I know we sound like crazy dog people, but we are! Since everything with Liam, our dogs have just been different too. Its like they can feel the energy in our house is different. Its like they don't understand what happened when mom got all big, then brought home a baby, then never brought him back and smells and objects changed around the house. Having this new little puppy brought so much LIFE and HAPPY into our home again. Cassius has some one to play with (when he's not annoyed with her) and bring the puppy out of him again. I'm so so happy for this little sweet girl.

So, plain and simple right? I'm sure it sounds counter productive to take more on right now, but I really think its exactly what we need. I hope we get the most out of these upcoming months so we can be back to happy and strong when we need it most while trying again. Focusing on the other areas that I've neglected and improving them is something I do have control over and I'm really happy to have a goal that I can actually make happen. I'm excited to have a new addition to our fur baby family. Someone to shake up our routine. I'm happy to have a trip to look forward to that we will enjoy regardless instead of a doctor appointment that consists of either good or bad news. I know Ill still have bad days, but like they say, "Its a bad day, not a bad life". Even though sometimes it can feel the other way around. I want to be happy again. Really happy. I really believe this could be the right path to get back there.


As always, thank you all for your love, support, and understanding <3

The BFN.

Ill be honest.


This post is uncensored, raw, and real. Its not one to give "warm & fuzzies". Its not one I ever wanted to write. I do so, because I'm not the only one that's going through this. I'm not the only one that had $16,000.00 for IVF, $5,000.00 for PGD, and over $3,000.00 in specialty medications and injections thrown down the drain for absolutely nothing in return. Im writing this in case someone else is suffering while trying to grow their family and maybe needs to hear that its okay to be angry , tired and distraught. I know ill pull myself together again, but its not without all these feelings that come along with it. I cannot believe IVF failed for us. I thought we would at the very least have remaining frozen embryos to fall back on. We have nothing.  Well, I guess that's not entirely true. I have lovely lumps and bruises left over from progesterone shots. I still actually have some marks on my legs from stim shots before the egg retrieval. I look about four months pregnant (which is just exceptionally cruel) from all of the other hormones causing extreme bloating, stress eating, and from not being able to work out for the last few weeks. Oh, and I even have the mood swings of a raging PMSer and the ability to cry repeatedly at the drop of a hat. I also got to lead all of my friends and family down this amazing inspiring story just to get their hopes up to later let them crash and burn as well. So, I guess if you're a "glass half full" kind of person, you could say I got something out of it after all. I'm also sure I'm not the only one that's been through all of that either. Sadly, I know too well, there are many of us.


We were given remarkable odds for IVF. Because I've already naturally became pregnant, carried and given birth to Liam, my body was expected to be more accepting of the process. I'm healthy, active, and young. All the odds were in our favor. After the FET (frozen embryo transfer) I stayed on bed rest for three days, doctors orders. I tried to hit most of the "old wives tales"  that surrounded IVF success stories. I had been drinking 4+ liters of water daily, and morning smoothies (room temperature) for a few weeks leading up to the big day, and following. I had pineapple core, pomegranate juice, berries, nuts, avocado, healthy oils (coconut, extra virgin, etc), leafy greens, and more daily in addition to our regular balanced meals. I stayed away from anything frozen or cold. I immediately started avoiding the normal things you should while pregnant. After the three days, I went to work, came home and relaxed as instructed. I went on a few light walks with the pups, and enjoyed lots of funny and feel good movies. I was feeling great. I was positive. I had maybe two times where I could tell my blood pressure raised and I'm sure it was from being anxious. I did the best I could to take deep breathes and calm myself down. Everyone just "says" to not get stressed out. Lets not even get started on how unrealistic that even is. Its only everything on the line here while its all out of my control. When aching for your first born, remembering the miscarriages along with the other baby boy we should have had, and the constant yearning for a baby to have and hold to take home safely while realizing that it could all be happening right now inside your own body is the first thing and only thing on your mind every single moment of every single day, yeah, I guess it should be just so easy to not think about or stress about. Its only our life. But yeah, shame on me for "stressing" which I feel despite everything I did a great job avoiding.


On day eight (8dp5dt) I took a home pregnancy test. It was negative. I didn't let that scare me. I knew it was early, and when I was pregnant before I never was ever able to get a positive pregnancy test early. I just kept doing the things that distracted me, and made my days happy. I tested again (12dp5dt) the day before I was supposed to go to Red Rock Fertility to test. It was negative again. That's when I accepted it. I knew that there could be some miracle change and I was so open to that, but I knew, I wasn't pregnant. I knew it had failed. The next day came and sure enough, they confirmed it. It hurt just as bad as the day before.


There was so much lost emotionally. Not to mention the time it all took and the costs. Normally if you have a failed round you have other embryos to try and transfer. Its a matter of waiting a month or so and trying again, and again. If you don't have embryos left, well, you start all over from the beginning. If we could even try it again, it would be months to go through the checks again, birth control. stims, egg retrieval, testing, and IF we even get any healthy embryos - finally transfer....... All you do while you wait is try and stay hopeful. You envision your life and what it could be like if and when this process works. You lose yourself in that dream and all of its wonderfulness. Then that too is taken and you feel like a fool for thinking it in the first place.


Liam would have been two in upcoming March. TWO. Running, talking, growing. I have SO SO many closest friends and family that are starting and continuing their families. I should be pregnant with a toddler running around to catch right along side with them. It seems like the perfect foundation for the life I wanted FOR my children is surrounding me perfectly . Only its cruel because I have nothing to contribute but sorrow and failed attempts. I'm so happy for them, but so destroyed to not be with them. I just want that next chapter of life. I feel sad for my family. Knowing that it breaks them to know that this didn't work. The distant ones that I know feel for us, but avoid talking to us because they don't even know what to say or what they believe in anymore. I hate feeling responsible for so many other peoples pain. I feeling like because what's happened to us, has questioned their own faith. You know that girl that just lights up the room when she walks in? Well, when I enter a room, I feel like the dark cloud that reminds everyone of sadness, pain, and pity, making them feel uneasy. Now instead of focusing on holding myself together, I feel the pressure to try and make everyone else feel comfortable and show them how "okay" I am to put them at ease.  I want nothing more than to finally have news that will make them happy. I'd love to have park play dates and BBQs with my friends while all of our kids run around and play together. Now I'm not sure if this dark cloud will ever even leave us. I feel that I have failed. I feel ashamed and disgraced. I'm so unbelievably sad for everything. Its truly unbelievable. There are no words, no comfort, nothing that can fix what seems broken.


I don't want this all to be taken as "oh, woe is me". This is just what life is for us right now. Of course I'm angry and distraught, but that's okay. I'm okay. We really will be okay. I'm not sure what our next steps are. I know we will meet with Red Rock Fertility center to see if they have any feedback, but everything went so perfectly, I'm not sure if they will even have any. It is what it is. This just wasn't the miracle we were hoping it would be. I have no idea what to do now going forward. To be honest, I'm exhausted. I know Ill be taking some time to focus on myself again. I feel so lost in everything that its important for me to feel like me again. For now, Ill just surround myself with all the good in life. My husband. Our home. Our pups. Our family. Our friends. Hiking in the beautiful upcoming Spring scenery. Wine & LUSH Bath bombs. The little things. I don't know why we are here, or why these hardships have fallen on us. I know that its hardened me very much. Its changed me in many, many ways. I also know that's it's made my heart bigger, my marriage unconditional, my patience stronger and my compassion for others grow. These are things that some people lack their entire lives either by ignorance or circumstance. I never want to be that old bitter, mean, lonely woman. I'm so thankful for the angels and wonderful people in my life. Thank you for always being here, supporting, praying, and loving us. And for the other hurting mommas out there... Hopefully the miracle you're waiting for comes to you, and soon. Its so so easy to lose yourself in this process. Live while you wait for the storm to pass.


I promise. We will be okay.

IVF Timeline from Beginning to End (Round 1)

I know when I started this process, I wanted to know what type of timeline to expect. It helped me to have a clear idea of how long it would all take. Below is the timeline for our first round of IVF. Our round went perfectly. Nothing was set back or canceled. I responded perfectly to all meds and procedures. Below is our timeframe of our experience with IVF doing a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) from the beginning consult, through stims, egg retrieval, transfer and end result.


July 2015 - Scheduled a consultation with Red Rock Fertility. Our Treatment package was $16,000.00 for one round. PGD was $4,500.00. Stim Meds - $2,529.30. Transfer Meds $559.95. Round one total expenses, $23,589.25 plus insurance deductibles, etc.


September 8th 2015 - Our first appointment with Red Rock Fertility. They reviewed our case, discussed pricing and the overall process.
September 17th 2015 - Paid Genesis Genetics, Probe construction and research began.
September 29th 2015 - Diagnostic Testing, Ultrasound & Blood work, Female Exam, Day 3 cycle specific, Semen Analysis, Hormone check.
October 1st 2015 - Sonohysterography
October 4th 2015 - Preop labs.
October 6th 2015 - Surgery (Hysteroscopy) to examine uterine cavity
October  21st 2015 - Follow up Consult and Treatment plan. Began Birth Control Pills.
November 9th 2015 - Ordered Stim Medications/Injections from Integrity RX Pharmacy.
November 25th 2015 - Last birth control pill
December 1st 2015 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood work, Started Stims (Menopur & Gonal F).
December 4th 2015 - Ultrasound and Blood work, Increased Gonal F.
December 7th 2015 -  Ultrasound and Blood work

December 9th 2015 -  Ultrasound and Blood work, Trigger Shot.

December 11th 2015 - Egg Retrieval - Retrieved 16 eggs, 11 mature, 9 fertilized via ICSI. 7 made it to blast (day 5) and were sent for PGD testing.
December 24th 2015 - Back on birth control pill.
December 30th 2015 - Received the following results for our PGD testing.

1. 1 - Affected GACI Carrier
2. 2 - Affected GACI Carrier
3. 3 - Other Chromosome Abnormalities
4. 4 - Affected GACI Carrier
5. 5 - Unaffected GACI Carrier (5AA Baby girl)
6. 6 - Unknown (Sent to retest and embryo didn't survive thaw)
7. 7 - Affected GACI Carrier

January 8th 2016 - Last birth control pill
January 13th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood work.
January 14th 2016 - Began 1 tab Estrace Estrogen and baby aspirin daily.
January 18th 2016 - Ultrasound and Blood work.
January 21st 2016 - Started Estrogen Patch, increase Estrace Estrogen to 2 tabs daily.
January 22nd 2016 - Ultrasound and Blood work.
January 25th 2016 - Ultrasound and Blood work. Began Progesterone in oil injections, and progesterone cream daily.
January 27th 2016 - Begin Medrol (four days) increase Estrace Estrogen to 3 tabs daily.
January 30th 2016 - Transfer Day - Transferred 1 5AA Baby Girl.
Following transfer during the two week wait - Continue Estrace Estrogen 3 tabs , Baby aspirin, Prenatal, Estrogen patch, Progesterone injection and Progesterone cream.
February 3rd 2016 - Hormone check, Progesterone - 39.55, Estradiol - 412.5
February 8th 2016 - Hormone check, Progesterone - 38.17, Estradiol - 344.4
February 12th 2016 - Hormone check, Progesterone - 45.36, Estradiol - 561.4, HCG - 0

 

IVF Round 1 - BFN, Fail.
We plan to meet with out doctor to see if she has any feedback on our cycle. :(


Update
We met with our IVF Dr and she said everything went perfectly and she has no insight as to why our round failed. Looking at my levels, the embryo quality, etc, there's no reason why it shouldn't have been successful.

Our FET Day!

Well! After what feels like years have passed since we started this process, the time was finally here for our IVF Transfer! I was ordered to start two forms of progesterone 5 days before our scheduled FET and had a steroid 4 days leading up to the FET. I was, and currently am still on estrogen three times a day, on an estrogen patch, taking prenatals and baby aspirin, and now two different forms of progesterone (cream and PIO injection). HORMONE OVERLOAD. Overall I've been feeling fine, and really, really looking forward to transfer.

With all of the preparations for this process, I think I expected more out of it. We arrived to Sunset Surgery Center (associated with Red Rock Fertility) a little earlier than my appointment time. I was immediately given a gown, robe, and hair net and asked to wait with Justin in the procedure room. We sat there for maybe 20 minutes or so in what felt like 100 degree heat, which freaked me out because usually surgery rooms are cold.... I assumed it had something to do with the embryo, its temperature, and the process. Nurses were coming in and out preparing everything. Eventually I was laid back and strapped in. They also require a full bladder for the process, which I was prepared for, but I was not prepared to have this full bladder, and then wait 20 additional minutes before the process. Eventually they wheeled in this NICU incubator thing, that contained our embryo. They were able to zoom in 100x to get a clear picture of her. When the process actually started, I was beyond uncomfortably full. The process itself was very similar to a regular OBGYN exam for a woman. They took the embryo out of the incubator and used tools to place her inside of me. It took maybe less than 5 minutes tops. I was awake the entire time and it was completely painless besides the full bladder. They asked me to sit and wait, for an additional 10-15 minutes without moving, sneezing, stressing or laughing. Which, I mean, I'm usually doing ONE of those things... Lol And not to mention, now I had to PEE SO SO BADLY and now the only thing I can think about is how badly I had to pee and all my fears of peeing out this little precious embryo we just spent months on to implant. Obviously, the science behind the fact that the embryo was placed in my uterus and my bladder has nothing to do with that, should have reassured me, but its all I could think about... So, after laying there, in silence, resting we were finally told to go home and rest. I was on bed rest for that entire day, and pretty close to bed rest for the next two days. After the two days, I could go back to normal activity, but no exercise, stress, running, or heavy lifting. Those were my instructions for the next two weeks. I'm still on all the medication as before.

I feel completely normal. I don't have any symptoms. The symptoms I convince myself I do have could also be explained by all of the medication. There's no way of knowing if she is sticking. There's no indication of anything really. Its waiting alone, in the dark, for two very long weeks clinging on to the hope that this little girl will hang on and be ours forever. No pressure.

Wishing us all faith, trust and baby dust! Until next time. <3

Preparing for FET!

Today I had an appointment with our fertility center to begin preparing for our transfer! Our tentative transfer day is set for January 31st/February 1st.

I recovered and healed from the egg retrieval and I finally believe that all of those extra hormones are out of my body! WOW. I thought I was doing so well with not having mood swings or anything like that while we were doing the injections... I also thought that after the retrieval the worst was over after all of the bloating and discomfort. Well, I was wrong! I broke out like an angry raging teenager with acne all over my face. FOR. WEEKS. It was terrible! I was also still fighting the constant urge to cry! Not over super serious stuff that should make me cry, but over stupid things like commercials, lyrics, sunrises, an "I love you" text.... Ugh, DUMB! But finally - I feel like myself again.

Finally its time to begin preparing for our FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). This is when they thaw out our perfect one little 5AA grade baby embryo and transfer it inside of me. Then we wait two weeks to determine if it "sticks" & implanted correctly. Then hopefully we move on with a healthy pregnancy! In the meantime I've been drinking daily smoothies containing juiced kale & pineapple, orange juice, coconut oil, flax seed, strawberries and bananas to boost my body with extra nutrients. Its an old wives' tale that speak of pineapple core, pomegranate juice, avocados and coconut oil will help your IVF success. There's not any concrete "proof" of any of these that I know of, but it cant hurt to try! All of these super foods are good for you anyways, and the smoothies come out delicious! Plus - It makes me feel like I'm doing something to help the process which gives peace to an anxious mind. I've also been back to working out regularly after not staying consistent over the holidays and taking it easy following our egg retrieval.

The following medications were ordered after our appointment today -

• Estrace Pills
• Vivelle Dot Patches
• Medrol Pills
• Baby Asprin (81mg)
• Crinone
• Progesterone in Oil (Injection)

I have a schedule for the next two weeks to start some of these medications, and the others are soon follow. Everything else looks good!


Its crazy to think that we began our IVF journey in July 2015. Its all actually went very smooth for us time wise, which is why its hard to believe the day of our transfer is finally just two short weeks away. All in all, I'm so anxious, terrified, thankful, and optimistic about the next coming weeks. There's no way of knowing if it will or will not work. Its hard for me when people say "Its going to work, I just know it!" because, It may not. Its out of our hands. I know people like to think that's reassuring us, but its not. Its almost like a false hope. This really may not work at all. Just because it "should" or "we deserve it" doesn't actually entitle us to anything from God or the Universe's point of view. That would be fair. And we all know life is absolutely not fair. It may work, and I'd like to think and hope that it will, That we will be so blessed to have this go so perfectly our first round. So all I ask is that you hope and pray (HARD) for us and with us. This really could work!  There's days where I feel like I know for a fact that this is going to work (But I've also thought this.... about all 4 pregnancies...). Our IVF odds are amazing and high from what I've been told an we've had a lot of factors on our side. I have responded so well to everything so far. Everything is right on track where it should be. I'm really looking forward to the opportunity of actually being pregnant next month, and bringing home a healthy baby (just days) after delivery to spend the rest of our lives with. I'm getting swept up in the "awe" of it again. Getting lost in all the dreaming of the possibilities of our future.
How absolutely wonderful it would all be.


Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers! Thank you all. :)

Embryo Update :: PGD/PGS Results

We started out this journey harvesting 16 eggs. 11 were mature, 9 were fertilized and 7 made it to day five of growing. In the end, we had 7 embryos to test for our disorder.


Typically some come back abnormal for random reasons, and some will come back with the disorder that they are specifically being tested for, in our case, IIAC/GACI. I was so unbelievably hopeful that with going into this with 7 to test, we would get 3 or 4 for sure to keep on ice so we had the opportunity to try at least 1-3 rounds of IVF if needed. I hoped that we would be lucky enough for it to work the first time, with implanting one or two, and then have the remaining embryo(s) frozen for a sibling later. If you already have the embryos frozen, a future transfer isn't nearly as expensive as a full cycle, because you wouldn't need to go through the diagnostic testing, injections or retrieve eggs again. You would just skip to the transferring of the eggs part, and see if it works. I was so hopeful for all of this. After all, each embryo only had a 25% chance of being an affected carrier.

I finally got the call with the test results from our embryos. Only 1 of the 7 are healthy and eligible to transfer. From what I was specifically told, all of the other 6 embryos had GACI/IIAC. None of them were abnormal in any other way. Ill get a more detailed explanation of everything on soon when the lab specialist/Dr calls with the full breakdown. I'm really hoping, somehow, there was some mistake somewhere.


I am so so unbelievably grateful for this one. This one perfect one! But I feel that so much was lost as well. The pressure and fears associated with this process anyways is so much. The cost (Which we have gotten overwhelming support with), the injections, the drawn out timeline, the risks, the odds, etc. I tried everything to ease myself of the stress. The help with the cost alone took off so so much pressure, and I am so grateful for that. Then knowing that because of having such a high number of eggs retrieved to start with, I was in a much better position to have more healthy embryos. This gave me a sense of a safety blanket. Like, if this didn't work out the first time, it was okay, and I had more, I would just have to be strong enough to keep trying. I could do that. It also reassured me that the possibility of twins was realistic (though risky), or at least still having two (living) children total to grow our family. Now Im left feeling that even though our odds are still good with this remaining egg, our fate is still not in any way guaranteed. Instead of feeling like this was another first chance, I feel as if it could be our only and last. If this one egg doesn't work, we have nothing to fall back on. All of the money put in would be lost and for nothing in return. Any hopes to try again would mean starting from the very beginning and cost an additional 20k (We are saving 6k because our probe for the testing is already built.... What a deal huh....). And not to make it sound like its all about the money, but when you don't have it ..... It certainly does limit things. I know anything is possible still, but wow.


I was so proud of having so much faith and optimism. I felt much less stress and was so ready to go into this with a good positive, confident attitude. I knew that through all of our losses, it was possible to still have what we've always wanted. Now it feels like everything is riding on this one shot, and its all completely out of my hands. To say the least, I am so completely fearful.


2016 is a new year. New insurance benefits were offered. In addition to our genetic situation (Which we have yet to have anyone cover) I also had the diagnosis of PCOS. If that is true, that should mark me under the "infertile" category on paper and may help with funding a part of any future needed rounds, if that's the way we go. Im not by any means thinking this round wont work. But reassuring myself that maybe it doesn't all depend on this one little tiny egg gives me a better peace of mind. Our little remaining egg is in excellent healthy condition I was told. He or She has every chance at making it. We have every chance at a successful full term pregnancy resulting in a birth of a healthy baby. I still feel like it will work. I still feel hopeful. Ive still read and heard of much MUCH worse scenarios and suffering by other parents going this route. I know we still have so much on our side, and that this is all very very possible for us. The fact that we were given this opportunity to try at all is a miracle that I am very, very grateful for. After all, it only takes "one".


Our embryo transfer is set for the end of January. Then we will wait and see!

Egg Retrieval and Embie Update

Well! Our Retrieval Day was on the 11th and went very, very well. I felt fine leading up to and on the day of retrieval. I didn't notice many side effects from the injections other than some minimal bloating, and I was a bit on the emotional side. Luckily not the crazy hormonal side, just the crying a little more randomly and a bit more over the moon happy and positive. It was nice actually. After retrieval I felt fine, I came home and slept most of the day, ate ice cream and watched movies. The following days I experienced more and more swelling. So much swelling, that I looked very very VERY pregnant. I even woke in my sleep one night to use the bathroom and felt that I was in a very real flashback of waking up while carrying Liam in the middle of the night to do the same, trying to roll out of bed, hold my belly and waddle over to the bathroom. Queue random crying.
Originally after the procedure I was told to expect some minor PMS like pains and cramps and if it was anything more to go to the ER, and that I would be good to resume my daily routine the following day. So here I am with completely different pains and immense swelling - panicking but trying to stay calm and tell my self its fine. I call and talk to my nurse & thank God I took it easy for so many days because I was told very, very wrong information from the discharge nurse. My Dr was wondering why I wasn't already in pain and that it was definitely better. She also explained that I was not clear to go back to my normal routine, and the swelling is normal, and was also expected to get worse before it got better. Wow. I was so reassured that what I was feeling was normal! I was so worried that something was wrong and I was at risk for OHSS (Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) is a medical condition affecting the ovaries of some women who take fertility medication to stimulate egg growth. Most cases are mild, but rarely the condition is severe and can lead to serious illness or worse.). It took 6 days, but I finally felt back to normal and having my swelling going to normal. I am so so so happy that everything went well and that I healed as well and fast as I did.


I am happy to say that we retrieved 16 eggs! 11 of them were mature, and 9 successfully fertilized via ICSI. After 5 days, lucky 7 of them made it to blast. A good explanation of the process of the embryos after retrieval can be found here (https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/ob-gyn/fertility-center/our-services/infertility-treatment/ivf/ivf-step-by-step.aspx) Now they will be tested (PGS and PGD) and frozen until transfer. We are unbelievably happy to have so many make it to this stage.

Now we are waiting for our results to see how many transfer eligible embabies we have. Our transfer should be in January if everything works as planned. Until then, we wait, relax, and enjoy this happy news and place that we are in right now. I remember being disappointed at the timeline of this IVF process because originally I thought I would be transferring in November and December. Now that we are this far in the process, Im glad that I have been able to enjoy the holidays without the stress of worry and pressure of the "two week wait". Im really happy to have this holiday time to be us, remember, honor and miss our Liam, and get a fresh start in the new year.






Everything has been going so well so far. We are unbelievably blessed, happy and thankful. Thank you all for your continued support and love. Happy Holidays!

Our Stims Experience and Update!

Hello!


Stim update - We began stims on December 1st. We were prescribed Gonal F, Menopur, Cetrotide, Pregnyl, Zithromax, and Fluconazole. I know when I was getting ready to start and in the process I was so curious to compare with others. I really appreciated those that opened their lives and shared their progress. It was so nice to hear others thoughts and experiences. Here's a little breakdown of our progress.

 

Blood Tests and Ultrasounds
Baseline Tests (Day 1 prior to injections)

• Estradiol - 55.30
• Follicular Ultra Sound - 3 Follicles on Left Ovary, 3 Follicles on Right Ovary.

 

12/4 Tests (Stim Day 4)

• Estradiol -  837.3
• Follicular Ultra Sound - 5 Follicles on Left Ovary, 10+ Follicles on Right Ovary.

 

12/7 Tests (Stim Day 7)

• Estradiol -  2710
• Follicular Ultra Sound - 6 Follicles on Left Ovary, 10+ Follicles on Right Ovary.

 

12/9 Tests (Stim Day 9)

• Estradiol -  2664
• Follicular Ultra Sound - 9 Follicles on Left Ovary, 10+ Follicles on Right Ovary.

 

Stims  Process

Stims Day 1 - 3

• Gonal F 175 & Menopur Vile
   

Stims Day 4 - 6

• Gonal F 100 & Menopur Vile
   

Stims Day 7 - 8

• Gonal F 100, Menopur, Cetrotite
   

Stims Day 9

• Trigger Shot Pregnyl
   

Stims Day 10

• No Shots!  Oral Pills Zithromax, and Fluconazole.
   

Day 11

• Retrieval Day!

The first night starting injections I felt very hot and almost dizzy afterwards. I'm pretty sure this was from me building up so much anxiousness about it. I could feel movement that almost felt like bubbles in my lower stomach. I may have just been over analyzing everything, but I swear I could feel bubbles! The Menopur BURNS, but its short lived. The Gonal F was easy and pain free. I those my legs for the injection site, and iced the area for 10-15 minutes prior to having my husband injecting them. When the Cetrotite was added I was afraid that the longer needle (3/4 vs the 1/2 I was used to) would hurt more. It was effortless and pain free too. At least it didn't burn! Doing all three in a night wasn't awful either. On the third day I started to feel pressure and bloating. I didn't gain any weight but I could feel the difference in my stomach. On day 6-8 it was on and off pressure and bloating. I was careful when sitting down because the pressure became so much. It wasn't painful, I was just overly cautious. The day of the trigger shot I was SO worried. The Pregnyl shot needle was almost 3 inches long - AND had to be injected in the rear! EEKeeekkkk! Again, all the fear and anticipation for nothing, it was no more painful than the others and didn't burn at all. It hurt the next day feeling extremely bruised, but it was easy. :)


So far I'm so thankful that I have responded so well to everything. I'm so happy that the injections weren't torturous and that my husband is sweet and supportive enough to be gentle about it all! I'm glad that I didn't turn into some raging hormonal nutcase either! I was actually extra happy during most of this time. I'm really excited about retrieval but not looking forward to being back to just waiting. I feel so helpless and down when there's nothing I can do to work towards our future little potential children. I will be looking forward to a break in the process to just relax, but after about a day Ill be back to anxiousness. Hopefully the holidays will be a great distraction while we visit with our families and loved ones.


Hoping, wishing and praying for many, MANY healthy quality IIAC free eggs!

Starting IVF Injections! First Day of Stims!

Leading up to the point of finally starting injections was (there's SO many words I could use right now...) - HARD.


I was SO anxious, stressed, worried, excited, scared, nervous, depressed, restless, frustrated, impatient, and just, ugh, all if it.... x 1,000. I have been so wrapped up in it all. To the point that I couldn't sleep at night, because I literally could not stop thinking about it all. Its all I want in the world to have a family. To have a baby that is healthy and home with us. Its my biggest dream of all dreams. Between missing Liam and longing for that family feeling again, I've been a wreck. All these scenarios and fears would just run on repeat in my head. I would feel like I just laid in bed, with my eyes closed all night without sleeping for a minute. If I dreamt, it was about IVF or hospitals, or stress in general. Just once, JUST ONCE, I would love to just have a peaceful dream about Liam, something that would comfort me, and reassure me that he's handpicking a sibling, but instead, Ive just been 100% unable to stop stressing, wondering and worrying about it all, about what our future will hold. 


I KNOW this is out of my hands.
I KNOW this is out of my contol.
I KNOW there is nothing I can do to "make" it happen.
I KNOW regardless of if we every have living children or not, that we will be "okay".


But I want it. So. Badly. Even with accepting all of these things and telling myself not to stress about it all, and giving myself endless discractions to give myself a break, It was obvoius I was failing miserably. I couldnt "turn it off". I would wake up thinking about everything - What could go wrong, what already has, what we have lost, what we should have...... Its consuming. Its awful. I just kept telling myself, to keep going, and it will all work itself out...


We had out baseline ultrasound and bloodwork appointment to get the green light to finally start injections. Simple appointment right? I truely believe this is what has been adding to my stress. I was so worried, that they would find something that would prevent this IVF round. My biggest "comfort" for this process in the beginning was my health. At least Im healthy! I have/had asmtha, but I lift and work out regularly and acomplished a half marathon, Ive got this! I was so happy that above everything else, I had my health. It would help my odds, everything would be great, and I had that on our side. When they told me about PCOS, I was hurt. I thought AT LEAST through all of this, that me, my eggs and ability to make a baby were what they should be. I think that knowing this made me feel more helpless. I think subliminally, I was so worried that my health would be another odd against us. I was starting to feel bad physically. I would get dizzy and feel my blood pressure rise for no reason. It was just constant reminders of everything that is wrong. I kept trying to stay positive, but it was a never-ending, exhausting process.


BUT - We had the appointment. Everything is GREAT! The ultrasound tech said that we were "boringly normal". THANK YOU!!! After hearing this, and getting the "okay" to start injections, it was just a relief! I was still so scared about the actual shots, but FINALLY! Finally WE get to actually get to do something! Since July this process has just been alot of payments, blood work, phone calls, and appointments. Now, we are starting it! I just wish I knew this is what had been bothering me this whole time.... What a torturos period of stress... For nothing...

                             

SO! Stims night #1!
I was so scared. How hard do you push the needle in? Do you do it quick or slow? Jab or push!? And there's TWO of them!? I didn't even want to try it myself, so, in steps my big strong brave man husband, Dr. Schlosser. I chose the top of my legs for the injection site... I have to sit on my bottom all day so that was not ideal. My arms? Not a chance... and my stomach? EEKkkkk... I cant. My legs gave me less anxiety... So I went with that. I used an ice pack for about 20 minutes to numb the area ( I had heard that makes a great difference) while Dr. Schlosser measured the dosage, mixed the solutions and attached the needle. I was "okay" during this time... Still on a high from getting the green light to start.. Then he had the syringe in his hand, ready to go, about two inches from my leg.... All the panic in the world came over me in that one moment. He did it quickly because he knew I would just get more worked up. It poked. It burned. It bled. It was over. EASY!


The next one was more like a pen, same type of needle, but you had to hold it in the skin for 5 seconds after the medication was released. I was nervous about that, but, again, it was even less painful than the first one. The ice pack REALLY helped, I don't think I even felt the needle, just the medicine being pushed through. To be honest, I felt hot, and a little tingly from the shots, but I think it was more from being SO worked up and stressed about the idea of it than a reaction to the actual medication. I'm SO SO SO beyond thankful and appreciative of my husband. He's unbelievably dedicated, supportive and loving to me. I put two shots in his hand and he was SO gentle, focused, and kind. I may be getting a bit ahead of myself since this was only day one, but I'm really looking forward to these next two weeks and getting this part of the process going. I hope we get an abundance of eggs to start with - a percentage will be eliminated from fertilization problems, abnormal chromosomes, and ruled out from our genetic disorder. The more we have to start with, the more we should have after all the tests are complete. IF for any reason round 1 doesn't work, if we have remaining embryos, we wont have to repeat this part of the process for round 2, we would just be able to transfer our remaining embryos. That's very comforting to know as a backup option.


So far, Stim day #2 is going well. I'm not sure if I'm still just overly happy and excited from beginning everything or if its already the hormone overload, but I've been in a GREAT mood all morning, got myself out of bed on time (rare), and almost randomly started crying to two different songs from Adele's 25 albumn on my drive to work.... For no reason at all. My leg is barely sore, and I feel great! I know that the side effects will come and I will be more sore, etc. But, I'm hoping the rest of the process goes just as smoothly! Ill take all the happy I can get in the meantime!


Thank you (everyone) again for your continued love, support, positive thoughts and prayers. Please keep it coming! We love you all. - The Schlossers

Shots, Hormones & Turkey

Another step forward!


Big news! This week my medications arrived!!! And - Wow. Its a bit intimidating. First of all, after my insurance, the cost was $3000.00 just for what you see in the picture below and is not included in what was paid for the IVF package. Luckily we qualified for a discount and got it lowered a bit, which I am very thankful. I tried to ask over the phone what I was paying for. I couldn't even understand the prescription names they were naming off. My anxiousness drove me to look up the names that I guessed they were to see what I was in for. After an overload of information, I decided to just chill, and wait it out so I don't work my self up over side affects and risks. So, a few days later this box arrives and in contains the following.

21 Injections -

• Menopur Injections 10
• Pregnyl Intramuscular Solution - 1
• Gonal-F Injection Pen - 6
• Cetrotide Injection Kit - 4

3 Tablets -

• Azithromycin Tab 500mg - 2
• Fluconazole Tab 150mg - 1

Red Rock Fertility Office Visits

• Countless.....

21 INJECTIONS!? EEK! I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a bit of a pity melt down of "Why us!? Why does it have to be this way? Why is this so much and so hard!? Why cant I just get knocked up and have healthy babes like its supposed to be?" - and so on and so forth. Gahhhh.... But. This is the road we are on. This is the journey we are in. I don't know if this is where we were "destined" to be or not, but this is where we are. I have the strongest, most understanding and caring husband by my side and a million blessings to be thankful for. So, I took a deep breathe, and decided not to worry about the shots until I have to. Which, will be the week of Thanksgiving. I will be scared. It will hurt. Its not romantic. Ill be a hormonal mess and most likely bloat up like a balloon from what I've been hearing but you know what? I. Don't. Care. Ill do whatever I need to do. The pain and emotions will be worth it in the end. This is our opportunity for a family. One that I hope to have and watch grow and age. If it weren't for science, we may have had to go through much, much more loss and tragedy if we would have even had the courage to try at all. I'm very thankful that we have this opportunity at all. It may not work round one. It may not work at all. But It may! It may work on our first try. We may even get two for one! Whatever the outcome is, I have, very little, if any, control over it. So, in my opinion, its not anything I should worry about (saying and doing are two completely different things, but I'm trying!). I'm trying so desperately to not look at this as a "last chance" but instead as a great opportunity at a miracle. It could happen!


So, in the next coming weeks, while most will be baking for their families, sharing turkey dinners with the sounds of children playing in the background, and black Friday shopping to build an inventory of surprises for Christmas morning, Ill be experimenting with injections, trying to not torture my husband with raging hormones, and missing my baby boy - wondering what he would look like now, what he would be getting in to, and what his personality would be. Liam is so, so genuinely missed in everything we do. Every event or holiday we go to (amongst everything else) feels wrong. Its obvious that he is missing and its hard. But this is what life and the holidays are for me, for my husband, and our family. There's nothing to be done to change it. I have accepted that. The grief and sadness will always be with us. This doesn't mean that we cant be happy too. With WHOLE hearts we feel it all. We hurt, love and miss Liam. We are scared and excited about what the future could bring. We are happy for all of the love and support we have from each other. We are grateful to begin the very real steps of IVF in hopes to announce a new addition next year. I am overwhelmed with all the love I have for my nieces, nephews, and cousins. Through them and my friends children, I have been able to embrace my maternal side. For this too I am so thankful. I'm proud that I haven't been too hardened over the recent years. I'm blessed to still be able to see and feel so much love.


I wont pretend that the sadness and pain doesn't exist. It does very, very much so. It exists in every smile, every memory, every happy moment, every beautiful moment, and grows stronger when bad times arise. I accept it. And I'm still able to find a happy. I'm in love. I'm okay.  I'm still able to see the beauty in so many things. I soak up all the happy moments and pause to soak them in. I embrace everything that makes me happy no matter if its a stupid laugh from the most recent ridiculous thing the Kardasians have done to hearing my nieces read a poem about love off my refrigerator together in perfect harmony while thinking no one can hear them. I am happy. I am blessed. I am going to go into this with the most positive outlook that I can. I just ask that those around me can be compassionate and patient with us. There's a lot on the line these upcoming months. Emotions are high and I have no idea what to expect. Love with us, laugh with us, and please hope and pray for us.

Follow Up Consult - The Course of Action

We finally had our follow up appointment to review all of the diagnostic testing we completed over the last month! All of Justin's tests came back normal. Use your imagination here so I don't actually have to type out what "tests" these are.... Let just say, all requirements needed by Justin are met, and he is good to go. ;)

My tests also came back great. Everything was normal except a high Vitamin A (not a bad thing I guess... Just unusual?) and my egg quantity was high. I was distracted and overwhelmed with excitement so I didn't really take that in, and assumed, more eggs equal more eligible embryos! Well... Apparently this is not the case. A condition known as PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) was brought up. I missed this completely during the consult. It wasn't until I got home and thought about it that I actually looked it up. Im not going to really dive in to all of that right now... Its still hard for me to even believe, although it could explain a lot. I want to review it in more detail with my Dr before taking it too seriously. Regardless, they said it wont have any affect on our success rates or IVF outcome.

But all other systems are a GO! This IS great news. I was also able to have a timeline wrote out for our "IVF Treatment Plan".

1. 1.Begin Birth Control Pills for the next month (right along with the prenatal I've been taking for years). This way they will know when to schedule the following steps and procedures.
2. Late November I will have an appointment to learn how to administer two injection shots. Then I will begin the 10 day process of those injections. I will be using Gonal-F (This medication is used to treat certain fertility problems in women. It provides the hormone (FSH) that helps cause the ovaries to produce eggs. This medication is usually used in combination with another hormone (hCG) for the growth and release of a mature egg (ovulation)) & Menopur (This medication is used to treat certain fertility problems in women. It provides follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteinizing hormone (LH) that help healthy ovaries to make eggs. This medication is usually used in combination with another hormone (human chorionic gonadotropin-hCG) to help you become pregnant by bringing about the growth and release of a mature egg (ovulation)). They seem similar in their descriptions, but I guess both are needed.
3. I will then have three appointments within that week to monitor how the injections are cooperating with my body. Blood work will be tested at each of these appointments.
4. Mid December I will have my retrieval (when they retrieve eggs, create embryos and grow them.) After the embryos are at a certain stage they will complete the PGS and PGD testing on them (PGS is to check the overall chromosomal normalcy in embryos. PGD is to test for our specific genetic condition)
5. Late January Ill have two more blood tests and should have embryo results including how many eligible embryos we have.
6. Late January/Early February I should expect to transfer the remaining eligible embryos!

I am really really grateful and happy that we are this far. I'm incredibly thankful for everyone that has helped us get this far and for everyone's continued support and prayers. This timeline feels like a really long road to travel. Especially because we started the beginning steps for this journey in July. Now the soonest (best case scenario) pregnancy we could hope to have wouldn't be until February. Eight months in total. This in the grand scheme of IVF things, it actually a good turnaround time. Its just really emotionally draining on our end still. The timeline is a bit of a  trigger for me because our first attempt of "trying" after we lost Liam resulted in a pregnancy in January and was unsuccessful. During Liam's first birthday, I was stuck in a 2 week wait period hoping for another pregnancy. A pregnancy that came, and should have been due December 12th of this year. Feeling the added grief of Liam's birthday on top of the stress of a new pregnancy at the same time is really, really hard. Not to mention the stress and constant pressure to stay calm and peaceful (which really just adds to your stress) during this sensitive time in the pregnancy, feels like insanity. I really really really was hoping for a pregnancy that was far enough along that I could feel a little more confident about it while embracing the two year anniversary of Liam's birthday. I really don't want to sound ungrateful. I am SO GRATEFUL. But if I'm being completely honest with myself, having faith for new life while honoring and grieving a loss is conflicting. It feels so unnatural and overwhelming. I would put if off, but I don't feel that it would make a difference. There will always be something. Some type of trigger or event that will make me feel this way. I think its just another part of the process. I just need to hold my head high, keep having faith, and do everything in my power to have a successful IVF round. I know we are making huge steps towards our future. I am really blessed to have such amazing people in my life. I'm thankful for our success rates and for how far we've already come. I don't know how anyone could do this on their own. Im so happy to have the amount of supporters we have. I know Liam's with us every step of the way.

Looking forward to many positive, happy, and productive posts to come!

Cycle Specifics, Genesis Consult and Insurance Challenges

After our consult we agreed to a series of appointments to check our hormones, general health, sperm quality, uterus and more. It started with blood work (a lot of blood work), a "Schlosser" sample from my husband, and a Physical Exam/Gyn Ultrasound for me. Then there were "cycle specific" tests that had to be scheduled around my specific cycle. Once that started it led to a son-hysterogram, more blood work, and finally a Hysteroscopy. That was a fun week. All the tests were split on different days. Sometimes we went to Red Rock Fertility twice in the same day. I was so greatful to have a boss that was understanding and flexible with my schedule at work. Luckily my husband had the same flexibility so I didn't have to do anything alone. A great rock that Mr Schlosser... As of now, all the tests are done, and they have the results. We have a follow up consult later this month review everything, pay in full (welp... ) and start the actual process.

That same day, in between two other appointments, we had our over the phone consult with Genesis.
Since they were sent all of the information on September 8th, I assumed the 4-6 week expectation of the probe completion started then. It did not. Genesis would not begin any part of your process until they are paid in full. We actually had to pay them to even get this over the phone consult scheduled. $4000.00 and three weeks later, we got our consult. They explained that they would need cheek swabs from us for DNA, and requested to use a sample from Liam for DNA. I understand this sounds morbid and awful. These are the things they just sort of throw at you in situations like this. What are you going to do..? Refuse? Cry? Get even more frustrated? For what....? So... After the blow of hearing that request out loud, we consented. This would give them the best picture of the exact breakdown of the disorder and would give them every best chance of screening for it using the probe. It was essential. In a way we were lucky to even have any type of anything left from Liam. Not everyone even has that option. We were grateful. Also knowing Liam had a part in helping us with his future siblings gave me a bit of comfort in a way. By the following week, they had the DNA they needed from everyone, they were paid, and were officially starting the process. It would take an estimated 4-6 weeks for the probe to be complete. I hope its done by our follow up appointment, and we can start the process as soon as possible.

After our consult with Red Rock Fertility, I began the process to have IVF approved through my insurance. My employer is great. My insurance is great. The fact that the wording is so specific enough in our actual contract is cruel. They denied our request. Even though my policy specifically says

"Criteria for coverage of embryo genetic testing prior to implantation: Either donor has an inherited disease or is a documented carrier of a genetically-linked inheritable disease"

they still denied us. We literally had documentation of both of us being carriers and effected children. Even if they would have approved that part, there was still the 20k they would not. We appealed. I wrote a letter explaining everything, had it proofread, included letters of recommendation from my OB and two genetic counselors, and included all of the documentation proving our condition. The medical staff that helped are highly accredited in Nevada. I felt SO hopeful for this. But, It too, was denied. After our family pleaded to help us, we opened a GoFundMe account to help with costs. If it wasn't for the love and support of our family and friends, I truly do not know what we would do. (You know who you are & Thank you). 

 Hopefully all goes well on our next appointment. I'm already getting so anxious about starting everything. I'm so excited to begin, and possibly be that much closer to having another child. I'm also getting really nervous from all of the horror stories that I've heard of others enduring during this process. The injections, medications, side effects, etc - Ugh... I used to think that IVF was an "easy" alternative - just expensive - for those who were battling infertility. I had no idea what these women were expected to go through. I had no idea the emotional toll, success rates, demanding scheduling and the actual physical pain involved. I never really gave it much thought at all until it applied to us. If I've learned anything in the last year, its not to judge people... No matter how "easy" it seems things came to them, or how "happy" them make their life appear - There's always more to it. Its not really anyone else's business anyways. The perfect seeming couple with two adorable perfect children that I seem to ALWAYS notice at the grocery store - Theres no telling what they went through for their family. How their relationship really is. Why waste time on feeling bitter when I don't even know their story or struggle. Maybe there isn't one and they are just lucky and perfect, and if thats the case, good for them too! We could all be so lucky. I'm finding so much peace in letting things go. Especially the things I create in my own assumptions that I let bother me. I have too much good in my life to worry about anyone else. I want to stay in my own little bubble with my close family and friends. They make me happy. They are what I care about. I hope this process is KIND to me. In the meantime, I'm going to try and have sane person thoughts and not let my self get overwhelmed with the constant urge to reproduce and nurture.

Red Rock Fertility Center Consult #1

After healing mentally and physically since my D&E surgery, we made an appointment for a consult with our in network fertility center. The date was set for September 8th. We anxiously arrived, and met with a billing coordinator, and soon our doctor. She had all of our information and relayed it back to us. She spoke simply and clearly, which was a relief. Its a constant struggle trying to explain genetics to people in general, insurance companies, etc, let alone to understand it all your self. She explained to us the process in detail. That part I was already familiar with. Then she explained that we would have to also work with Genesis who would build a probe specific for our disorder and perform the genetic testing. I don't know exactly what a "probe" is but I can understand that fact that that's what's needed to perform the genetic testing. We already had our genetic test results with the breakdown of our genes from Liam, myself, my husband, and our most recent loss Baby Boy June. This had put us ahead several weeks. The testing for that alone is usually $1500 each and takes weeks to get results from. Since we already had this, our Dr sent it off to Genesis so they could start our probe immediately. It could take 4-6 weeks to complete and they would be in contact. After briefly explaining Genesis's part in the process, we talked associated costs.

There was a price sheet in front of us, with our names on it, with rows of tests to be performed. The first were some preliminary tests to check us out thoroughly to make sure we are good candidates for the process. Our insurance covered their percentage of these tests because they were not part of IVF but part of the process to start IVF. In total, all of the preliminary stuff cost us $1000.00. Then there were the PGD costs of $4000.00 that would need to be paid to Genesis. Then, the actual IVF cost from them would be $16,000.00 and $2,000.00 - $10,000.00 in medication. We were looking at $20,000.00 - $30,000.00 to TRY AND GET PREGNANT.

It was a very defeating appointment. Again, miraculous, but defeating. The cost was out of our means, would set us back, added so much stress to how we would even be able to afford to take care of said miracle child, and all if this was for a chance... Not even a guarantee. No refunds. A chance. She did say that our chances of a successful pregnancy was over 80%. That was a statistic that I was happy to hear. I had seen worse odds than that. But my pessimistic side reminded me abruptly that our original odds of conceiving a healthy child was 75% and we couldn't manage that... Ouch. Well.. It is what it is... After a quiet mind blown evening of processing everything with Mr. Schlosser, we decided we would begin the approval process with our insurance (hopefully get it all or some approved) and move forward with the process.

Knowledge is Power, Unless that knowledge came from the internet, then its stress.

We learned from the passing of our son Liam James that we were both carriers for a genetic disorder called GACI (Generalised Infantile Arterial Calcification) [AKA] IACI (Idiopathic Arterial Calcification of Infancy). His autopsy showed signs of the disorder. His DNA was observed and the mutation in his genes was found. My self and my husband were tested and confirmed we were both in fact unaffected carriers. This means we do not have the disorder, but we have the ability to pass it down to our children. We have a 25% chance of having an affected carrier with each pregnancy. This was the case with Liam. This was also the case with our 2015 pregnancy. This could have also been the cause of my two miscarriages although we will never know for sure and it could never be proven.

After so much loss and failed attempts, we chose to pursue IVF w/PGD to grow our family. This means we will use in vitro fertilization (IVF) and Pre-implantation genetic diagnosis. A normal round of IVF consists of monitoring and stimulating a woman's ovulatory process, retrieving eggs from the the woman's ovaries and letting sperm fertilise them at a laboratory. The fertilised eggs move forward to mature. Then they are implanted the woman's uterus, with the intention of establishing a successful pregnancy. Adding PGD to this means that after the eggs are fertilized and mature they undergo genetic testing before implantation. Only the embryos that appear strong and are cleared of our genetic disorder are moved forward to consider using for implantation.

Obviously, for situations like ours, this is a miracle in itself. To have the science and knowledge to prevent this type of suffering is truly miraculous. Internet research (the same type of research that could convince you that your common head cold is a fatal catastrophe) indicated that success rates with PGD increased your chances with IVF. Most miscarriages are loosely links to chromosome and genetic abnormalities that we have no control over. Adding this extra step to examine the embryos before implantation reduces these risks. I could talk about statistics since I've spent DAYS researching them, but, the flat our answer is that there are too many factors to give a blanket success rate. Your Fertility Clinic will give you their best guestimate once you've begun the process and they know your details specifically.

I had heard that the process is expensive. I saw quotes from $10,000.00 - $30,000.00 for both IVF and PGD together. Again, I was swimming around in internet articles and my own assumptions weighed down by my fears. It wasn't until I went to the Fertility Center, that I finally got the information that I was looking for.