The Separation

Its odd... After so much time going by, its hard to determine what feelings are pulling from grief, which are pulling from desire, and which are normal insecure confusing feelings of where you are in life at your perspective age compared to where you wanted to be or thought you would be. Its hard to know who you would be if you didn't suffer such a tragic loss. I think its important to let that wonder go, because you can never undo the changes that occurred because of it. You have to accept you will never be that person. You will never have that innocence back. Focusing on who you are now is the only way to grow and move forward. Ive being trying to do that. Hard.

I haven't been able to write for awhile. Even this piece Ive worked on for over a week. Well, I take that back, I have written a lot, but its not anything I'd want to share because its unfinished, unresolved, and mostly depressing and bitter. I know those things are okay to feel and express, and I'm not ashamed of them, but its been a very long time of feeling this way. I feel I should be stronger by now. When I continued to open up and share these things, it started to make me feel more pitty for myself instead of being healing for me. I never imagined for this road to be so long and filled with so much constant up and down, rebuilding, and let down. I know Ive learned a lot, and theres so much good to come, but it still discouraging... Especially when you try to be hopeful for everyone else too, everyone else is rooting for you, and you feel like you let all of them down too.

Lately I have felt detached. I talk to my family and friends and find myself picturing their lives, their day to day. I think of the priorities they made and their families, their sacrifices. I think of the difference they must feel to come home and make dinner for not just themselves or themselves and their spouse, but for their family, for their kids. I think about things like the laundry that they have to do for their entire family. All the separate loads and sorting, folding, and putting away. I think of all the dishes and cleaning they must do. I think of how tired they must be at the end of their long but fulfilling days. I think of what their weekends may be like, waking up to make breakfast and spending the day together. The little things, the simple things.  I realize this is just my version of the "family dream". I know its so hard, and so much work. I know its not all just happy hallmark moments. I probably obsess over wondering about it more that I should because its been something we have worked towards and wanted for so long, and with every piece of my self I feel that's where we should be, I just feel incomplete without it.  It just makes me feel isolated, because Im still just here, doing laundry once every few weeks, meal prepping for the two of us, cleaning when its needed and not because I have a toddler wreaking havoc. I should appreciate trivial things being so easy, but the emptiness of it makes it bitter. I love having a full house and friends and family and their kiddos to play with, but when the house is its back to its silence, its hard.

Recently, I've stopped following Facebook. In the beginning I wanted to face everything so I wouldn't be caught off guard with news or announcements that could hurt me. Some things would still hurt but I could face it on my own and have a brave face when I had to. This was fine for a long time. I just didn't expect this journey to be so long. I didn't account for the affect that it had day after day, week after week, month after month, season after season, - year after year. I found myself becoming more and more irritable. I was lashing out and yelling for the smallest reasons. I was angry so often, frustrated, and had this feeling that I wasn't able to catch up. I noticed that all of a sudden I was feeling inadequate about other things that I didn't before like my home, job, etc. It took me awhile to realize why. When I would look at my Facebook, it would be filled with some much love, accomplishments, happy family moments, and announcements. What a blessing right? All my beloved family and friends have so many good things to share and that warms my heart, it really does. However it turned into me surrounding myself with examples of things that I wanted so dearly and didn't have. Trips I wanted to take too but couldn't because every chunk of change we have is saved for IVF. The improvements and changes we want to make to the house (All the fun DIY stuff we love) was also on hold due to funds. More and more of my friends were announcing pregnancies, which I was used to, but what began to wear on me was not only their pregnancy announcements, but to watch them go along to share birth announcements, happy birth stories, first holidays, first birthdays, and second pregnancies. It turned into too much. A pregnancy announcement I was used to. But when I saw a first birthday or second pregnancy he got heavier. It just reminded me that in the time that its still taking me trying so hard to help make IVF work others have went on to have two full pregnancies, celebrating first birthdays, etc. It made me feel like I lost so much time, that I was failing, that I wasn't any closer today than I was over a year ago to even have a thriving pregnancy. Its not to say I wasn't happy for everyone, there's no words that describe the love and happiness I have for the others that I see appreciating and loving all the positive and accomplishments in their lives. Its the dream! The dream Ive had for so long. It just hard to be surrounded by it all, all the time, while wanting it so badly. I noticed that it made me feel bad about myself, sad, empty, and pressured. I was trying to focus on us and what we did have, focus on our situation, in our own time while surrounding myself with everything we want and didn't have. It was self destructive and counter productive. Its not that I need to shelter myself from the world, but I needed to stop scrolling through it all every few hours. Since I stopped following Facebook, my days have been lighter. I have been able to see and appreciate more of what Justin and I have, without the pressured comparison feeling. It makes my world smaller, focused more on myself, Justin and our pups, easier to cope and deal with. It been a lot happier for us, cleansing, peaceful.

Our situation has just been hard. I question who I am, what's right, how to have faith. I struggle with perspectives on things. I feel that I constantly fight to find the right one and have to force myself to believe in it. Every day is a fight. Some are lost to depression and anger. Some I feel so fulfilled with all the love in my life and I feel like I am good, that I understand life and have a grip on everything. I just feel like I've been trying so hard and fighting for so long. I always thought it would be worth it. Each time we had a positive pregnancy test, genetic test, IVF transfer I try to keep myself positive and hopeful. Fighting against every doubt that comes up, every bad sign. Meanwhile others are telling me how sure they are that it will work, and even though I want to believe them, my first thought is frustration because no one has the power to assume such certainty such things. I cant tell you how many people just "knew" we would be pregnant "that" time and was wrong. I know that they just wanted it so badly for us. I know all the intent was good. It just hurts. I'm left feeling like a fool for believing in something so much for it to just fail. I feel guilty like for some reason its my fault, or our fate is deserved for some reason and we just don't know why. Each time, its so hard to build up that faith and hope again. But each time we somehow do.

I don't know what mind frame to be in for this next transfer. There have been a few changes in my protocol and in the transfer details. I feel really hopeful again, because I guess I just don't know how to be anything else. In just a short week, we will hopefully be transferring again. Another clean slate, another try, another possible new beginning. Wish us luck and sticky baby dust.

Liam's Upcoming 2nd Birthday Anniversary

In the past, we have done balloon releases for Liam. As beautiful and healing at these are to watch, I can’t help but feel guilty for polluting our world and putting animals at risk to benefit ourselves, especially knowing that it was on behalf of our son. This year, I would like to do something different. So many of you want to remember and celebrate the day of Liam’s birth (March 25th). Justin and I don’t want to do a party, cake, singing, etc. We tend to celebrate this day in a different way, together. However, for everyone who’s thoughts are always with us, always caring, and searching for their own way to heal or recognize the birth of our handsome little guy, I would love to offer some ideas. I have compiled a list of my favorite random acts of kindness and even added some of my own. For the month of March, if you would like to participate, do something remarkable in honor of Liam. Donate your time or used items to someone. Show kindness at a time you may have otherwise overlooked the opportunity to. Do an unsolicited good deed for someone else, just because. Do something that our community and environment will benefit from. Liam’s passing shattered, crushed, and destroyed so many things that I never even knew I had and was taking for granted. My innocence, hope, and faith to name a few. I know it rocked these things and more for so many others in his and our lives. Amongst all of the darkness, It would be so nice to bring so much light to the world from his remembrance. It would be so comforting and wonderful to know that Liam is the reason for such extra kindness in the world no matter how big or small the act is. I'm looking forward to seeing so much good come from his wonderful life. Lets be an example that tragedy does not only bring out the opportunity to be angry and harden. It can be a reason to be better, appreciate more, give more, forgive more, and love harder. Happy birthday month baby boy. ♥

The Love.

They say a picture is worth a million words. I couldn't agree more, but what I didn't expect is the flood of emotions that it can also be associated with one single photo. I've said it before, and Ill say it again, I'm beyond thankful for all the time I spent photographing little Liam James.


It feels like an eternity of standing still has passed by since the days that I had a newborn to have and hold. How quickly your life changes as you realize you have this teeny tiny perfect human to take care of, that's incapable of taking care of itself, and only wants your time, love, and care. Your previously peaceful existence is now filled with a constant need to ensure everything is done for this child. When he sleeps, you barely sleep. When he's away you swoon and concern yourself with his every move and sound questioning if he's okay or trying to decipher what he wants. Not to mention the hours that you get lost in just staring at their miraculous perfection. I was so scared of forgetting  what that would feel like. I expected to have additional children by this time to help me remember.

When I look back at pictures like this, It all just hits me again. We only had a month at home together, but that month was so fulfilling. I remember waking up in panics just wanting to make sure he was still here with us, breathing. I remember rocking him asleep as he would rebelliously look around his room while exploring his own fingers, wiggling them, intertwining them.  I remember just watching in awe and pulling him closer just to smell him more. I remember his warmth. I remember how he fit so perfectly in my arms. I remember the satisfaction of successful feedings. I was so happy to nourish him, and he enjoyed it so much. This little babe, only wanting milk and to be held. So simple. 


I remember the feeling of having so much love in my heart. Its such a different kind of love. You have love from your parents, family, and friends. They care for you; make you feel loved. You have a type of love from your significant other. That's a love that is valued differently because they have a choice to choose to love you without any obligations. Its a sacred, respectful, honored love.  You even have a special type of love from a pet. It may seem silly if you don't have a pet, but believe me, this is a need to feel needed type of love. Your pets love you unconditionally. They don't know any better, they just love, and you're their human, receiver of their love. The love from a child, is different than all of these.  You are the entire world to a child. They have known, trusted and loved you since before they were born. When they are born you are "home" to them. The rhythm of your heart soothes them. The sound of your voice reassures them. They look for you first when they wake up and greet you with the most innocent happy smile when they see you because you're their parent. That is a strong powerful pure type of love. I truly don't think you could imagine it without actually feeling it from a child.


That is what I miss. I miss his love. I miss feeling so loved from such a tiny beautiful person simply because I was his mom. Its indescribable. I can spend all the time in the world with my nephews and nieces, and they love me too, and I share special feelings and time with them. But at the end of the day, they too, just want their mom. That's when I'm reminded that, that's not me. And I envy the love that those Mom's feel from their children. I wanted to be that mom for Liam - forever. A picture like the one above, my life was complete. My heart was full. I had my husband, my pets, and my son close to me. This was everything I'd ever wanted. Now its a memory. I'm blessed its a memory I've gotten to experience, and Ill cherish forever.

Holidays 2015

Last year we avoided holidays like a plague. This year we participated head on. Everything went much better than I anticipated.

Ill be honest and blunt - It was painful. But I believe at a certain level it should be. The pain doesn't take away the happy, its just there with it. The weather was cooling, the leaves continued falling,  & I busied myself crafting gifts for my nieces and nephews. Especially with all of the burdens and costs of IVF we didn't participate in any gifts this year with the exception of two very inexpensive dirty Santas. I was doing fine. We decorated our house. We turned our lights on almost every night. We put up and dressed our tree. My husband, the amazing man he is, got me a coffee cup and gingerbread house to decorate (Im a coffee freak, and have never made a gingerbread house before [healthy distractions!]) early in December. We had the empty bag from those gifts under the tree so it wasn't so naked and sad. We hung our stockings, and got our puppies some new toys. I baked up a storm of cookies and treats for family and friends including some homemade cinnamon rolls with my sister. I made homemade chicken and dumplins for Christmas Eve Dinner. We made rounds to visit our four families (both our families are divorced and all live in Vegas with us). It was all very very nice. The hard parts were coming alone, just the two of us, when there should be an almost two year old running around with us, finally old enough to get excited for gifts. Another hard part was watching my nieces and nephews open their gifts from their amazing loving families and just wishing we were watching Liam do the same. Christmas morning was difficult. It was quiet. We slept in. We had coffee. We got ready for another day of visits. We came home, and the holiday was over. It was almost harder after it was over. We did it. We faced it. We were happy. But now it was over and somehow it still felt as if we just missed the whole thing, but really, I feel that Liam missed everything. I enjoyed all my time with all my family. My heart just aches missing our boy. But, of course I miss him. Of course I wish him here with us. But I was comforted in a lot of unexpected ways.



We did things for Liam on our own that made us feel better too. I made an ornament for our tree filled with his superman colors, one of his socks he wore, and mini photos of him. Its not a finished product yet, but it made be feel so much better seeing a piece of him on our tree. We also went to his memorial tree that was planted by our loved ones at one of our favorite parks (Angel Park where we took him a few times while he was with us). We were so happy and proud to see how much it had grown in just a year. We were able to place a special ornament for him there too.


Liam is everywhere with us. He is everywhere with our family and loved ones. His love and presence is strong. Our version of a new normal is becoming more normal. I'm so thankful for the peace that Ive found amidst of this loss. Im glad that Im not hardened by all of our losses. Im happy that I feel so comforted by our little boy so often. Its the next best thing since we cant have him here with us.

The Hope

Justin and I have been pursuing IVF with PGD. We've had our first appointment and got to sit down, fully comprehend the full depths of the process, and all the associated costs. I’ve seen "estimates" and "averages" before, but when it’s all on paper, with your name on it, in front of you - wow. It’s unbelievable. It should never have to come to a situation like this. For anyone. The costs would be more than all we have. If we finance, we put ourselves in a monthly situation that we wouldn’t be able to afford, let alone with a baby. It would take years to pay off, with interest, and so on and so forth, consistently setting ourselves back. I’ve exhausted every avenue to get it covered. My insurance will not cover it. Even after medical documents showing why we are doing this (not for infertility), letters of recommendation from genetic counselors, highly rated OBs, etc - They are a hard no. They won’t even consider covering a part of it. My insurance is already denying so much of our medical debt because anything regarding genetics is apparently "experimental". It’s unbelievable.
I have never even thought about genetics or what it meant to be a genetic carrier. Its such a small amount of people that are affected, but wow is it an overlooked tragic situation that there is very little support for or awareness around.  I feel the same for those who are infertile. I'm so saddened by all of the obstacles that people have to face to begin a family. Its devastating. It's times like these that I'm so thankful to have all the family and friend that I do have by my side.


On top of the outrageous cost, there's a chance that I don't even get pregnant through IVF or that the pregnancy doesn't thrive. Its so much to have weighing on you at once. But all I can think about is, if it does work, and we are lucky enough to have a successful pregnancy, I'll know that they will be IIAC free and will have even greater chances of being completely healthy because of all the care that will go into the process. As stressful as ALL of this is, it’s a chance I’m willing to take. My aunt and sister have been encouraging us for months to open a fundraiser to allows those that would like to donate to help us with costs. I’ve put it off until I’ve exhausted every other avenue I could. While I was appealing a previous insurance claim, I received a call from my insurance representative who said "Your claim has been approved" and I asked her if this was the IVF w/PGD Claim and if it was covered in full and she replied "Yes". In that one moment, the financial weight of everything was lifted and suddenly my perspective of it all changed completely. Like there was nothing holding me back. Unfortunately, this was a HUGE error and miscommunication on her part, and in no way was my appeal approved. She was referring to a lab test that was from May that was a whopping $600 which is going straight to the lap to pay that outstanding debt. I think that's when I realized the truth in what I was most worried about. The money. Of COURSE. In that moment I was right back to feeling like it was completely impossible and that all odds were against us. Should we risk everything for this? Would it be worth it if we just finance it and risk everything for a situation that's going to be even harder on us in the future? Maybe I should take a step back and let those who are so willing to help us - help. Maybe it is okay. Maybe it will be worth it to just go into it knowing that not only we can come out of this with a new perfect addition to our long time anticipated family, but still be in a place where we can provide for them as we have always dreamt of. The way we have worked this hard for the opportunity to do so.


It’s with high hopes that we can go into this, with as little stress as possible, knowing the power in numbers, surrounded by all of those that love and support us and have nothing but a positive mindset. Our goal is to take home a healthy baby to a loving home without the burden of endless debt just as we intended with Liam. I have no idea of what’s to come. But I know that we will do everything in our power to make this happen. I need to know that I've tried everything. Right now, we are going to move on with IVF w/PGD regardless of what it takes. If you'd like to contribute or share, it would be much appreciated more than I'd ever be able to express.  I want to say "THANK YOU" to everyone that has been on this journey with us, and has been there supporting us every step of the way. All of the loving gestures, kind words, long conversations, prayers and positive energy is so appreciated and comforting. We are forever grateful.


The link to donate is below.  I hope and pray and am at the mercy of fate that we can be lucky enough for this to work for us. Thank you in advance for all kind wishes, support, and shares.


https://www.gofundme.com/forjustin-tracey

Life Moves Pretty Fast Standing Still

I wanted to give a bit of an update on the exciting world of Schlosser living... Though I don't have any fun announcements to share, life has continued to move forward, quickly, and we have been, well, still.


All the world around me...
It literally seems like everyone around me is preparing to be pregnant, pregnant, or has just had a newborn. I'm sure there's little I can do about the reality of this considering my age and the age of everyone close to me. Honestly, its such a blessing. Its painful of course because I want nothing more than to be one of them.  Its plain and simple envy and I think its natural. One of the people (not that I even know her.. #creepystalkerstatus) that I found on IG who lost her only child two months after we lost Liam, is pregnant. Not only pregnant, but was pregnant exactly when I was previously. Her due date is 1 day before mine was supposed to be in December. Now instead of reading and relating to her posts like I used to, I feel like I'm left in the shadows watching her belly grow, knowing mine should have been right there with hers. It used to be so comforting to see someone else go through all of the same emotions through grief and tackle them with such a positive outlook. I'm just a little sad we are on different pages now but so, so, so unbelievably happy for her. With my first pregnancy after Liam, another friend of mine was pregnant at the same time, due the same month. She just had her baby. And so on, and so forth. The world of conceiving continues, and I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. Its SO unbelievably easy to play the victim.... I want nothing more than a living child of my own, to play with all the other children! I'm sure this comes to no shock to anyone, duh, this is the same dream we've been chasing for years now. Its not like when we finally do have a child that everyone else will stop having babies. After each pregnancy announcement I feel myself going through the same spiral of emotions, have a rough bitter envious day, then after some soul searching, pull my self back together and realize - This will ALWAYS continue to happen. Life is as certain as death. The world will continue to spin and grow. It could be SO easy to be dragged down by envy and sadness. But why? None of this is my fault. And we are doing everything we can to work towards a family of our own. So I need to remind myself to stop comparing my life with others, or where I want to be, and live in the now. Its easier said than done most days, but that doesn't change the fact. I'm truly happy for all of those out there moving forward in their lives and growing. One day when and if we are lucky enough to have a little one at home, people will still continue to have more babies, and Ill feel silly for ever feeling left behind in the first place. Its not like when we have a living child, all other baby booming will cease and my little will have no one left to play with. It will always continue just as its supposed to. I bask in the beauty of all of the photos from my inner friends and families children and the memories they are making with them. All of the happiness that is shown through these memories and photos makes me strive to keep fighting for my own. I only have control over so much, and that's okay. As blunt as it sounds, and as devastating as it is to accept, children are never guaranteed to anyone. Its a cruel sentence to any couple to face, but its still a fact. There are women all over the world that cannot carry, are not fertile, are genetic carriers, or have their children full term just to face the devastation of having a still born or facing SIDS later on. Trying to find a reason in any of it will cripple you. I'm not sure that's the point. I believe that you should be thankful for what you have, as often as you can. One can only hope for more. Life is not fair. I'm not sure it was every supposed to be. Not that that's okay, but it just is what it is. Since I'm here, living out this life, I'm still trying to make the absolute most of it. I want to be the positive person that sees beauty in everything. If it takes a few bad days to get back to that, fine. I'm just proud that I haven't lost all hope and sight yet. Today is a good day. I am where I am. That's okay.


Baby News
We agreed not to try naturally since our last pregnancy resulted in another genetically affected baby boy. That's nothing I ever want to go through again. I took the leap of faith, it backfired, and there's nothing I can do about that now. I just refuse to try again blindly. We have an appointment at Red Rock Fertility in September. We want to get more information on our chances of having a successful pregnancy through IVF w/PGD taking our history in to account. The costs for this would be $17, 000.00 - $20,000.00. I recently submitted a claim to my insurance company to see if they would help with the associated costs. I went to great lengths to explain how much they have already been billed (well over $400,000.00) vs the cost of the procedure and how beneficial it would be for all of us if they would help. I had letters from our genetic counselors with their recommendations to go this route as well. Earlier this week we received the letter that explained in three short sentences that we were denied.

As argumentative as I can be about this, if its not covered, its not covered. Its not like I can battle the insurance company to get my way. I just really hoped that they could see the whole picture. I plan on appealing, but I'm just not sure what difference it will make. I really, really hope if I give them enough trouble and stay persistent, they could maybe change their minds. I've heard of organizations that offer grants or scholarships to help cover costs, I'm just not sure how confident I am with the time frame of waiting that out and our chances of actually getting it. There are unfortunately SO many families out there needing the same thing. I've also had family members offer to open a fundraiser account to help raise funds. Ive struggles with this as well. I feel I already received so much when Liam passed to help us out with expenses while we were out of work and for the costs of everything. Justin and I make decent money to live the way we do. We just don't make the kind of money that would allow us to drop twenty grand on the roulette table (odds are about the same) on our chance of a healthy pregnancy. I couldn't imagine being burdened by financial debt in additional to everything else. To be so loved and blessed by others is so heartwarming. Its just a hard decision to make. We still aren't sure of what road to take. I know first, we are going to appeal this denial, and take it from there. One step at a time, its all we can do.


On another note, summer is coming to an end. As fun as this summer was with vacations, gatherings, and concerts, I for one cannot wait for Autumn. Something about being able to go outside, comfortably, with our puppies and not be scorched by the sun is so refreshing. More trips to the park, less sweat, more hiking, colorful leaves, crisp breeze, pumpkin everything, boots - basically - All the #basic things. It makes me feel so comforted! I cannot wait. I'm also determined to take on the holidays this year vs avoiding them like last year. I wished I was in a better position to do so, but, again, it is what it is and I'm going to embrace it regardless!

The Little Ray of Sunshine

The 4th of July was hard. I remember last year, it was the first festive holiday since Liam passed. We got through Father's Day, and Memorial Day, but the 4th of July would have been the first biggest holiday to dress him up for. We would have brought him to the pool with our family for the BBQ, we would have swam with him, everyone would have taken turns loving on him, and it would have been one of the bigger "firsts" that would have set the tone for all of the other holidays we had to look forward to. If you know me at all, I'm a HUGE themed out festive fanatic when it comes to holidays. Not getting to live this out with Liam is a constant kick to the gut. Instead of living out this dream, last year for the 4th, we went to a baseball game with our family, watched my nieces and nephew gaze over the fireworks, and I held my husband close. We still went to the BBQ and though we loved the time spent with our huge family, it was still almost like we were just watching life through someone else's eyes. This year was similar. The memories come flooding back of what I thought it would be like vs what it actually is. I played with my nieces and nephew again, watched them playing in the pool, watched their responses to the fireworks, and kept my husband close. Again it was just surreal. Its hard to watch. As overwhelmed with love as I could be, it still just makes me ache. To be filled with so much happiness while also feeling so sad is unexplainable. My mind just races. I just wish he was here. I wish none of this bad ever happened to us. I wish we knew nothing of it. I wish it wasn't us. I wish I lived in a world where it never happened to anyone. In the middle of missing Liam, I'm reminded that this year was supposed to be different. I planned on announcing a pregnancy this 4th of July and swimming with my nieces and nephews while sporting a little four month baby bump too. I thought I'd have something so positive to focus on to help me through it all. But that wasn't reality either. It was hard. Really hard. So, I kept my husband even closer than ever, leaned on each other, and enjoyed all of the happy parts of the day together.


Because I'm such a festive childish fool, I had to come prepared with something for my nieces and nephew! Because sparklers stress me out too much with little ones, and setting off fireworks wasn't on the top of my list either, I brought a confetti shooter. Justin and I found it while grocery shopping, and he knew I wanted it, and bought it for me. It was a little pink toy gun that had two rounds of 6 little shots of confetti glitter. It was similar to the small party poppers that you've seen around. So I make the kids come outside with me and shoot them off. They loved it & I loved it because there was no fire, or sparks to worry about. Even the inner child came out in the adults!  Some of them wanted their chance to shoot it too. I know its something so small, but it was a highlight moment for me. It simply made me happy. I took pictures of the kids while they played and took turns. Later that night when I got home I was going through the photos. I took "photo bursts" with my iPhone so I could catch the whole moment, and pick out the best pictures from it. I noticed on one of the bursts I had taken 57 photos. If you scroll through them fast enough its like watching a video. It took my breath away. In the photos there's a little circle of light. It starts at one side and appears to be chasing my niece as she comes in to the picture. Then it floats around my nephew, and up towards my mother in law as she shoots the confetti, then continues to move up until it disappears in a cloud. It was amazing. Ever since Liam's passing I've caught little orbs of light in certain outdoor pictures, usually near the ocean but always when I was trying to capture something beautiful. Since I cant post the actual video on a blog, and I don't feel comfortable uploading photos of my nieces and nephew to the open public, here are one of the orbs I'm referring to taken at the beach in Oceanside, California. 

Its always been easy to think "that must be my little boy, saying "hi". Unfortunately the realist in me instantly tries to shut that dream down. Regardless of what's real or not real - I like to believe that it could be my little guy saying "hi", just like I like to believe he plays all day in the sky doing whatever all the other little angels do up there. I believe you put power into what you want to believe or what you want to see. If it makes me feel happiness then so be it. If it makes me feel closer to Liam, then I'm going to embrace it. There's always so much to be sad about. I want to put more energy into the things I can be happy about. It was really comforting to see something that made me feel like he was there while I was missing him most. I thought this was beautiful. I love everything about it. To me, this was our little man sharing some love with us on 4th of July in his own special way.

Knowledge is Power, Unless that knowledge came from the internet, then its stress.

We learned from the passing of our son Liam James that we were both carriers for a genetic disorder called GACI (Generalised Infantile Arterial Calcification) [AKA] IACI (Idiopathic Arterial Calcification of Infancy). His autopsy showed signs of the disorder. His DNA was observed and the mutation in his genes was found. My self and my husband were tested and confirmed we were both in fact unaffected carriers. This means we do not have the disorder, but we have the ability to pass it down to our children. We have a 25% chance of having an affected carrier with each pregnancy. This was the case with Liam. This was also the case with our 2015 pregnancy. This could have also been the cause of my two miscarriages although we will never know for sure and it could never be proven.

After so much loss and failed attempts, we chose to pursue IVF w/PGD to grow our family. This means we will use in vitro fertilization (IVF) and Pre-implantation genetic diagnosis. A normal round of IVF consists of monitoring and stimulating a woman's ovulatory process, retrieving eggs from the the woman's ovaries and letting sperm fertilise them at a laboratory. The fertilised eggs move forward to mature. Then they are implanted the woman's uterus, with the intention of establishing a successful pregnancy. Adding PGD to this means that after the eggs are fertilized and mature they undergo genetic testing before implantation. Only the embryos that appear strong and are cleared of our genetic disorder are moved forward to consider using for implantation.

Obviously, for situations like ours, this is a miracle in itself. To have the science and knowledge to prevent this type of suffering is truly miraculous. Internet research (the same type of research that could convince you that your common head cold is a fatal catastrophe) indicated that success rates with PGD increased your chances with IVF. Most miscarriages are loosely links to chromosome and genetic abnormalities that we have no control over. Adding this extra step to examine the embryos before implantation reduces these risks. I could talk about statistics since I've spent DAYS researching them, but, the flat our answer is that there are too many factors to give a blanket success rate. Your Fertility Clinic will give you their best guestimate once you've begun the process and they know your details specifically.

I had heard that the process is expensive. I saw quotes from $10,000.00 - $30,000.00 for both IVF and PGD together. Again, I was swimming around in internet articles and my own assumptions weighed down by my fears. It wasn't until I went to the Fertility Center, that I finally got the information that I was looking for.

The "Announcement" I wish I never had to make...

I hoped this would be a happy pregnancy announcement. Unfortunately, it simply is not. Regardless, I wanted to share an update on our story, our journey, and our last few months.


After our most recent miscarriage in January, and more months of trying, patience, trusting, hoping, counting, praying, and peeing on sticks, we finally had another positive pregnancy test in April. Pregnant again! Possibility swarmed us and we were thankful for each day of symptoms and signs that the first trimester was going along smoothly. Each ultrasound presented perfection. This little baby bean wiggled more than Liam ever did which made me even more optimistic of this pregnancy. I had crazy insane dreams nightly of everything from vacations with the Kardasians to adventurous escapes from floods and volcanoes with mythical creatures. I continuously sneezed, had heartburn, and many of the other fun early symptoms.


Due to my and Justin's genetic history, we opted to have this pregnancy tested for IIAC / GACI since we have a 25% chance of each pregnancy inheriting it. After the test is preformed it takes up to 5 weeks to grow the sample needed from the cells and get results. The first round of results came in around 3 weeks which included the normal chromosomal tests to screen for more common disorders such as down syndrome, Trisomy's, etc. This baby was cleared from all of that AND they knew the sex! We are to expect another little boy!


Two weeks ago, At 14 weeks and 3 days along our genetic counselor called us with the rest of the results.


Disbelief struck again.


This baby also has the exact same chromosomal duplications and deletions as his big brother had. This one too, has IIAC. Unbelievable. Absolutely the worst odds and luck I could ever imagine. This is the reason I kept the pregnancy quiet. I couldn't bear giving everyone such happy news only to let the stress of the situation set in later. I couldn't handle the thought of everyone reassuring me that everything will work out this time and be okay when it was already taking every part of me to stay positive. I feel the pressure of them feeling the pressure to reassure me would just make me be more resistant. I know this can sound like an oxymoron but it was hard enough for me to accept the possibility of the reality on my own without the added "everything's going to be great this time I just know it" from other people, when we all know that not a single person in this world could guarantee such a thing no matter how kind the gesture. I also didn't want everyone that I love and care about to carry the same burden of hope and excitement coated with constant fear, stress, and anxiety day by day while awaiting the results with us. I know that family and friends hearing about it now, without a warning will also be a tough blow, but I see it as one day of suffering vs 14 weeks of it to lead to the same result.


We discussed our options before we started trying again after Liam. The odds were favorable that we would have a healthy baby (75%!) As far as genetic conditions go, that's pretty close to the best odds you can get! We were optimistic. We also agreed that we would test each baby so we would know what to expect, and if the baby had the condition we would not go through with the pregnancy. This was a lot easier said than done, not that it was even easy to say in the first place.


Now that we are actually facing it, it brought on a lot of desperation, research, discussion, tears, and realizations. There is no "beating" this disease. It attacks and destroys your major arteries. If we were even lucky enough to birth this child, his chances of life were too slim. And by chances I mean a life of medical complications, ongoing and constant developing cardiac and bone conditions (not to mention the many other conditions that would arise or how painful it would all constantly be), and would be faced with daily medication for, well, forever. And that's if we were that lucky. It wasn't a life we would want for our child. It's too rare to have enough facts around and any "progress" that's been made in history to date, is still experimental. After very thoroughly considering ever bit of every scenario, outcome, and fact, we decided, together, we were unable to move forward with the pregnancy any longer. We had to go through with one of the hardest decisions I believe we have ever been faced with. I cant explain what this felt like or how hard it was. There's no way to express it.


 I will never try naturally again. I see now how stupid and irresponsible it was to try that way in the beginning at all just leaning on faith. I was just really really hoping that if we stayed strong through everything already this far, that we would be the 75% of having an unaffected, healthy baby. It would be our fate. I thought we were remaining faithful and hopeful and it was the logical thing to do vs the rash decision of IVF (which gives you less than a 50% chance of even having a successful pregnancy resulting in the birth of a child).  I had no idea we would be so wrong and it would be so painful or that I would have already been 15 weeks along.


So I ask again for everyone not to judge. This was hard enough on us without having to hear everyone else's assumed course of preferred action. I understand that other people in other situations may have taken a different course. There were many times that I said, forget it, I'm going through with it before rereading the facts of that reality. Its not something Justin and I can chose to go into knowingly to endure or force any innocent child to have to endure. I understand that some of you will not understand. That's fine. You don't have to agree with us. This is what we felt was best for this child, to save him. I will not regret this decision but Ill never be happy for it either. I also will never put us in a position to be in this situation again.


As for our future, when or if we can try again, we will hopefully be pursuing IVF with PGD. IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) with PGD (Preimplantation genetic diagnosis) is a process of fertilization by manually combining an egg and sperm in a lab, and then transferring the embryo to the uterus. The only difference is with PGD, they can diagnose a genetic disease in early embryos prior to implantation and pregnancy. Basically they would test the embryos for the disease and only transfer healthy non affected eggs for a hope of implantation and pregnancy. The success rate for an actual pregnancy resulting in live birth is less than our original chances of trying naturally and having an unaffected child (75% vs <50%). This is why we tried naturally to begin with, but as you can see, that wasn't meant to be either.


Justin and I are overall just sad. There's not really another way I know how to put it. Every day more and more of my family and friends are moving forward in their lives, getting married, starting families, and growing together. Even the other mothers of loss I stay in touch with are getting their rainbow babies. As beautiful and inspiring as this is, its just bittersweet for me. I feel we have just been standing still for years. We try to see things as positive as we can. We focus on doing things for us and enjoying our time with each other, family and friends instead of being bitter about the things we are missing out on. I'm happy, for all of the things I have been blessed with in life, and most of all, for my husband, for so many reasons.  I know I have been quiet and distant for awhile. I wanted  to share this with everyone, we just needed some time to grasp it ourselves first. Thank you everyone for your continued prayers, support, and thoughts. We love you all.

The Silence

I typically make an effort to publish one new blog post a month. This way I'm not over doing it with every rant or point of view that comes over me, and I keep a solid pattern of publishing. Lately I've just been silenced. I seems like we've been in a very quiet waiting period for some time now. We have been trying to get pregnant, for months now. This alone makes me feel pressured and anxious. I feel its easiest to deal with the pressure and stress by using distractions and not focusing directly on an obstacle that I have no control over. This results in me being quiet. I guess I don't know any other way to put it. I'm scared to be overly happy because when things don't work out you end up feeling ridiculously stupid. (Crazy, I know.... But its true). I don't want to be negative either because its just not how I want to be. I'm holding on to my faith with the strongest thread I can manage. In efforts to hold everything together, I'm hesitant to express myself, until I know exactly what I'm trying to express and then it results in this, a bunch of random babble. So.... I guess Ill write on an update about myself. 
 

I recently have began been volunteering at Sunrise Children's Hospital on their pediatric floors. I've had a hard time with obviously not having Liam around. Especially during his first year and now. I notice that keeping this bottled up causes me to resent others and their kids. This makes me feel like an awful person and its not productive. When I'm with friends and family, and there are other babies around, I always have the urge to hold, love and play with them, but I hate how I feel that people are watching sympathetically. I feel like I can feel their sorrow for me, and for them to watch me hold another baby is almost as difficult for them to see as it is for me to do. This makes me also feel a lot of pressure and most of the time prevents me from going through with it. I thought a lot about how to get my maternal side OUT and embrace it on my terms without the pressure of anyone else. I looked into baby cuddling programs and realized the next best thing would be to volunteer. I go once a week and play with all the kiddos that are feeling up to it. I can read to them, play games, color, watch movies, and more. When the babies are admitted I can spend time with them too. When I walk around the hospital everyone sees a volunteer instead of a sad mourning mom who is without her son. This helps create a completely judgment free safe place for me. It takes the pressure off, and I get to be a friend to all these amazing kids who brighten my day, and in return I get to try and brighten theirs. Its been very good for me and I'm glad that I'm part of their team. 
 

I think about Liam - so often, there's not a way to explain it. He's in my thoughts subliminally, he's constantly a part of my thought process. He's always in the background of my mind during my day to day when I'm not directly reminiscing the memories I have of him. I surround myself with him. Even though now it feels more normal for him to not be physically here with me, I feel as if he's always with me. I hate that it feels normal again to not have a child with me everyday. It naturally makes me feel guilty, even though I know there's no reason for it.


Mothers Day was a tough one as expected. Everyone was very nice and considerate and told me "Happy Mothers Day" and gave gifts and flowers and more. It was very kind. Its just difficult because I know I gave birth to a son, I know technically I'm a mother - It just doesn't feel that way when your day to day life is still in its "Only me and Justin" phase. I only played that part for about a month. Now I get a full nights sleep every night. I wake up and give myself about 20 minutes to get dressed and ready for work. I eat at my own leisure. We leave the house in 5 minutes to run errands. We go out and stay up too late, then sleep in the following day. We sit on the couch and watch movies, uninterrupted. We do laundry about twice a month. None of these things are typical for a mother. I know my story is different. I know its not the same. I just would trade all those things to have the day to day of an active mother. The frustrations, the breakdowns, the constant tired eyes, the schedule, the chaos and all of he memories that come along with. I almost feel that its a holiday that I haven't yet earned. And I know..... THAT'S CRAZY. Its just what makes it bittersweet.

I am so thankful for the mothers day that I did get to spend with Liam. We drove to my Nana's house, and spent time with my mother, sister, cousins, and grandparents. My cousin got to feed him. Everyone got to hold and cuddle him. Then to make the day most memorable, my son blasted poo out of his diaper, with the funniest grunt, all over my leg. That..... That was a true mothers day.

That's it for my mini update. We are still here, still kicking, still figuring things out. We are constantly running around visiting family and friends for birthdays, graduations, celebrations, and more while also making time for ourselves. This year marks 3 years married and 10 together for us. :) Thank you to everyone for always thinking of us.

The First Birthday

"One year ago today I gave birth to" is such a common start for most moms to boast about on their child's first birthday. Its usually followed by "I cant believe how fast it went by" and "where has the time gone" and hits on the most memorable milestones and heartfelt memories that took place in the past year. I've said it a million times, but oh the plans I had for this first year. His first birthday would have most definitely been a Disney or Superhero one. I would have wasted so much time on all of the meaningless details to make it as colorful and fun and loud as it could have been. I would have mailed handmade invitations, hosted little ball pits for all of the babies there, and had the best messiest cake I could have found for him to make a mess of. These are just a few of the visions I had.


Instead I'm blissfully reflecting on the fact that an entire year ago, I gave birth to my son. I woke up that morning, let my boss know that I would be working from home because I was not feeling well. I actually was just having cramps but they were painful and I didn't want to drive across town. Little did I know that these cramps were contractions and that I would be meeting our little man in just a matter of hours a month just short of a month before he was due. One year ago today Liam James Schlosser was born.

In the first few months after his passing, it was hard to be around other newborns or even pregnant women in general. It was hard to hear a newborn cry. After time, this eased. Its still a soft spot that I usually have to mentally prepare for but it has gotten easier, and its actually very comforting at times. I have watched my friends and family's babies grow. I have watched my own nephews grow. Grow past the infant stage, start eating solid food, crawl, smile, babble and was followed by their first words, first steps and more. Grow to throwing and catching balls, riding bikes, and talking back! I have watched my nieces grow in school, grow taller, pursue drawing and other talents they have. Not to mention all of my cousins that I have watched grow. I always wondered what Liam would have been doing. I wonder how he would have been interacting with all these other children that he should have grown up with. I'm not sure at which point I stopped imagining him growing. Suddenly, it was toddlers that were hard to look at, hard to hear, and hard to be around. I didn't expect it but it hurts more not just not knowing what he would be doing, but not even being able to envision what he would look like. I feel like all his memories were just frozen in time and he's just this little two month old baby forever. I was still thinking of him this way for months. Maybe I will forever. I just cant believe he would have been a year today. I wonder what he would look like. I wonder what his favorite toys would be. I wonder where we would be as a family. I wonder what mistakes we would have made. I wonder what would have been our favorite parts. Or the hardest. I wonder how we would have made things work.


Its almost like I'm missing him from the very beginning all over again erasing all of the progress I have made with my grief over the months. Almost every part of it hurts all over again. Every part of him, missing him and the thought of him. I know this has to be normal, I know I will be okay. I know Ill get through this. I know Liam's looking down at all of the remembrances that are being done in his honor today and will smile knowing how many are thinking of him. I know he's in the most beautiful place in existence. I'm positive that he is pain free, healthy, and happy. I'm happy for that. Its just the never-ending missing him. It's just sad. It just hurts. Today will forever be an especially hard day each year. I accept it.


I think this first year sets the bar for the hardest of hard years. Justin and I survived hand in hand, stronger, more patient, and understanding than we have ever been.  I want to continue to rebuild myself and heal. I want to continue to grow and find ways to embrace and remember Liam in the most positive ways possible. I want to be the best person I can be for him. I want to do wonderful things in his name. I just hope he continues to hold my soul extra close to his.

Happy Birthday little baby boy. I hope you know how much you are loved by so many. I hope you know the influence you left on this world. I hope you continue to find ways to inspire all of those who knew you and those who were touched by your story. I hope you enjoy your balloons. We love you punkin pie. Happy 1st Birthday. 

The Crazy

Crazy
cra•zy/ˈkrāzē/
adjective
1.mentally deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way.
2.extremely enthusiastic.
3.(of an angle) appearing absurdly out of place or in an unlikely position.


I have never in my entire life - felt - so - CRAZY. I know its normal for everything that I have went through in the last year, but I hate to think that that's an excuse! Its not how I want to be. I focus on rationalizing. I focus on finding a perspective to wrap my head around to help cope and move forward. I focus on the happy and beautiful things. I focus on the small things. No matter how much I "focus" lately, I sometimes just feel so absolutely unstable and crazy. This is new, and its so uncomfortable.


I'm used to the feeling of being stressed, or pressured, or just grumpy sometimes, sure. Lately however, I can just be walking along, feeling fine and see something so random that will set me into a crazed angry downward spiral that nothing can pull me out of and that I (at the time) don't necessarily care to be saved from. Not just baby or pregnancy things either, but mostly simple stupid things like road rage, long lines, spilling my coffee, or the general public.


I get angry when I see people who are acting grumpy, angry, or ungrateful. My irrational reasoning is "what the hell do you have to be so unhappy about". In reality, I'm mad that I'm the one walking around angry.  I get angry when I see people that are happy. My irrational reasoning is "It must be nice to just have everything and just to be so giggly happy all the time". In reality, I'm just so envious of their carefree moment of happiness. I get angry when I see pregnant people who appear to be so agitated about being pregnant. My irrational reasoning is "you have no idea what you're taking for granted". In reality, I'm so sorry I took a single second of my pregnancy for granted thinking it was the easy part I just had to get through. I get angry sometimes when people talk to me about their problems. My irrational reasoning is "Do something about it to fix it because at least you can".  In reality, I'm not one to judge, and I'm just upset about bottling all of my own problems and emotions inside unable to get the support or comforting words that I want to hear. Instead I'm stuck in a situation that I cannot fix and have no control over. Bottom line - I'm just bitter and throwing a tantrum about it.


I'm so ashamed of how much control my emotions have over me these days. Some days have definitely gotten easier. I even have lots of days where it feels like everything is okay and I'm beaming happiness and positivity. These are the days I feel closest to Liam in the most content and peaceful way. Other times, all of the sadness and anger comes back and I cant see past the fact that Liam should be here, but, he's not and it hurts and I ache. Its all downward from there. The fact that I even have these terrible angry ugly thoughts on my bad days just eats away at my conscience and I feel like the worst person. I would never act out or take these things out on innocent people.  I just wish I didn't have these feelings at all. The fact that I argue with myself daily about it makes me feel like a legitimate crazy person. After I get angry about whatever stupid reason its immediately followed by this huge weight of guilt which makes it all even worse. I remember seeing people get so worked up from things in the past and thinking to myself, like, "Whoa, calm down...Why are you letting yourself get so angry?" But I cant calm myself down anymore like I used to and just "get over" it. I feel like my control of it has weakened.


I'm not an angry person. Sarcastic sure, but angry? I wasn't. I was happy. I was carefree. I could face whatever was in front of me. I just feel like I don't have a grip on anything sometimes. I feel like I have been as patient and accepting as I could. I also think its all the buildup of everything I'm anxiously waiting for. I just hope that I can find a way to get back to my center. I know Ill have good and bad days, everyone does. And I don't get angry all the time or every day, but on the days I do, its just bad, it takes over. I just don't want to be this crazed hot head who lets her anger take the love and beauty out of things. I want to be better. I want to be happy, loving, kind and pure. I want to only see the good in situations and in people. I want to find my faith in all of that again.


So bear with me people - while I slowly continue to crawl out of crazy and try to embrace what the future hopefully holds.

Disneyland

I Love Disney. I know its cliché. I know its insignificant. I know its childish. (In my opinion we could all stand to be a bit more like children sometimes) But I do. I love it. Justin took me to Disneyland for the very first time in my whole life. I know some people automatically think about crowds, and lines, and sticky fingers, but I think about adventures, rides, a happy atmosphere, and churros! I love it. I meet the characters, watch the parades & fireworks, go on all the rides, and soak it all up. Every time. Justin and I have been there at LEAST 20 times in the last 10 years. I LOVED watching all the kids, and making funny faces at the babies in line. The ones that were too little to know what was going on but were there anyways. I couldn’t wait to start my own family and bring them on their first trip of many to Disneyland.

We even took a trip while I was pregnant with Liam. We only did the small rides that were slow and didn’t drop or jerk, but we just strolled along taking pictures of my belly and talking about all of the "firsts" we would do with Liam. I believe we even bickered about how soon we could take him. I said seven months, and eventually, Justin agreed. We even bought one of his first toys there. It was a small plush animal of Zero the ghost dog from Nightmare before Christmas. We kept him in the nursery waiting his arrival, we have a video of us first showing the toy to Liam when he finally came home, and he is still with him now.

After we lost Liam, as petty as it may sound to some, I didn’t want to go back to Disneyland. It was too sad. Its supposed to be the happiest place on earth and I couldn’t go and watch everyone else’s happiness all around me while it was once again, just me and Justin. I didn’t want to face all of the beaming parents showing their babies mickey mouse for the first time and taking the first picture. Or watching a toddler wobble around the cobblestone. I didn’t want to see the frustrated mom who couldn’t get through the crowds with her stroller. I would LOVE to be even pushing a stroller! Instead, ours is at home, in my office collecting dust. Among other things, this was very sensitive to me especially during the time we were doing genetic testing and were stuck in a limbo of waiting on answers and not even able to try for another child yet. Though it wouldn’t ease the pain of not having Liam there, it would at least a step towards the hope of having children to bring eventually.

 

We returned to Disneyland on Valentine’s Day weekend. Just the two of us. We were finally in a better place to be able to face most of these things. It wasn’t overwhelming or unbearable. It was a little empty and sad. I remember seeing teenagers laughing so innocently and being envious of them. It was fun to be there but not as fun as it was before when I was oblivious to all the bad things in life. Maybe not oblivious but not directly affected.  I won’t deny that there was a difference, But it is still a magical inspiring place to me.


      

 

We wrote a note to Liam, bought a blue Mickey balloon (that would have bought for him anyways.... He would have been at the age to LOVE balloons.) tied a red and yellow balloon to it for his little superhero colors and carried it around Fantasyland for a bit. We took some photos and finally released them. The sky was so big and clear that day. His balloon rose so high. It seemed to freeze time and last forever. It was a wonderful way for us to incorporate him into what should have been his first trip. It was also a release of one more weight that grief no longer holds over our head.