All the world around me...
It literally seems like everyone around me is preparing to be pregnant, pregnant, or has just had a newborn. I'm sure there's little I can do about the reality of this considering my age and the age of everyone close to me. Honestly, its such a blessing. Its painful of course because I want nothing more than to be one of them. Its plain and simple envy and I think its natural. One of the people (not that I even know her.. #creepystalkerstatus) that I found on IG who lost her only child two months after we lost Liam, is pregnant. Not only pregnant, but was pregnant exactly when I was previously. Her due date is 1 day before mine was supposed to be in December. Now instead of reading and relating to her posts like I used to, I feel like I'm left in the shadows watching her belly grow, knowing mine should have been right there with hers. It used to be so comforting to see someone else go through all of the same emotions through grief and tackle them with such a positive outlook. I'm just a little sad we are on different pages now but so, so, so unbelievably happy for her. With my first pregnancy after Liam, another friend of mine was pregnant at the same time, due the same month. She just had her baby. And so on, and so forth. The world of conceiving continues, and I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. Its SO unbelievably easy to play the victim.... I want nothing more than a living child of my own, to play with all the other children! I'm sure this comes to no shock to anyone, duh, this is the same dream we've been chasing for years now. Its not like when we finally do have a child that everyone else will stop having babies. After each pregnancy announcement I feel myself going through the same spiral of emotions, have a rough bitter envious day, then after some soul searching, pull my self back together and realize - This will ALWAYS continue to happen. Life is as certain as death. The world will continue to spin and grow. It could be SO easy to be dragged down by envy and sadness. But why? None of this is my fault. And we are doing everything we can to work towards a family of our own. So I need to remind myself to stop comparing my life with others, or where I want to be, and live in the now. Its easier said than done most days, but that doesn't change the fact. I'm truly happy for all of those out there moving forward in their lives and growing. One day when and if we are lucky enough to have a little one at home, people will still continue to have more babies, and Ill feel silly for ever feeling left behind in the first place. Its not like when we have a living child, all other baby booming will cease and my little will have no one left to play with. It will always continue just as its supposed to. I bask in the beauty of all of the photos from my inner friends and families children and the memories they are making with them. All of the happiness that is shown through these memories and photos makes me strive to keep fighting for my own. I only have control over so much, and that's okay. As blunt as it sounds, and as devastating as it is to accept, children are never guaranteed to anyone. Its a cruel sentence to any couple to face, but its still a fact. There are women all over the world that cannot carry, are not fertile, are genetic carriers, or have their children full term just to face the devastation of having a still born or facing SIDS later on. Trying to find a reason in any of it will cripple you. I'm not sure that's the point. I believe that you should be thankful for what you have, as often as you can. One can only hope for more. Life is not fair. I'm not sure it was every supposed to be. Not that that's okay, but it just is what it is. Since I'm here, living out this life, I'm still trying to make the absolute most of it. I want to be the positive person that sees beauty in everything. If it takes a few bad days to get back to that, fine. I'm just proud that I haven't lost all hope and sight yet. Today is a good day. I am where I am. That's okay.
Baby News
We agreed not to try naturally since our last pregnancy resulted in another genetically affected baby boy. That's nothing I ever want to go through again. I took the leap of faith, it backfired, and there's nothing I can do about that now. I just refuse to try again blindly. We have an appointment at Red Rock Fertility in September. We want to get more information on our chances of having a successful pregnancy through IVF w/PGD taking our history in to account. The costs for this would be $17, 000.00 - $20,000.00. I recently submitted a claim to my insurance company to see if they would help with the associated costs. I went to great lengths to explain how much they have already been billed (well over $400,000.00) vs the cost of the procedure and how beneficial it would be for all of us if they would help. I had letters from our genetic counselors with their recommendations to go this route as well. Earlier this week we received the letter that explained in three short sentences that we were denied.
As argumentative as I can be about this, if its not covered, its not covered. Its not like I can battle the insurance company to get my way. I just really hoped that they could see the whole picture. I plan on appealing, but I'm just not sure what difference it will make. I really, really hope if I give them enough trouble and stay persistent, they could maybe change their minds. I've heard of organizations that offer grants or scholarships to help cover costs, I'm just not sure how confident I am with the time frame of waiting that out and our chances of actually getting it. There are unfortunately SO many families out there needing the same thing. I've also had family members offer to open a fundraiser account to help raise funds. Ive struggles with this as well. I feel I already received so much when Liam passed to help us out with expenses while we were out of work and for the costs of everything. Justin and I make decent money to live the way we do. We just don't make the kind of money that would allow us to drop twenty grand on the roulette table (odds are about the same) on our chance of a healthy pregnancy. I couldn't imagine being burdened by financial debt in additional to everything else. To be so loved and blessed by others is so heartwarming. Its just a hard decision to make. We still aren't sure of what road to take. I know first, we are going to appeal this denial, and take it from there. One step at a time, its all we can do.
On another note, summer is coming to an end. As fun as this summer was with vacations, gatherings, and concerts, I for one cannot wait for Autumn. Something about being able to go outside, comfortably, with our puppies and not be scorched by the sun is so refreshing. More trips to the park, less sweat, more hiking, colorful leaves, crisp breeze, pumpkin everything, boots - basically - All the #basic things. It makes me feel so comforted! I cannot wait. I'm also determined to take on the holidays this year vs avoiding them like last year. I wished I was in a better position to do so, but, again, it is what it is and I'm going to embrace it regardless!
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