The BFN.

Ill be honest.


This post is uncensored, raw, and real. Its not one to give "warm & fuzzies". Its not one I ever wanted to write. I do so, because I'm not the only one that's going through this. I'm not the only one that had $16,000.00 for IVF, $5,000.00 for PGD, and over $3,000.00 in specialty medications and injections thrown down the drain for absolutely nothing in return. Im writing this in case someone else is suffering while trying to grow their family and maybe needs to hear that its okay to be angry , tired and distraught. I know ill pull myself together again, but its not without all these feelings that come along with it. I cannot believe IVF failed for us. I thought we would at the very least have remaining frozen embryos to fall back on. We have nothing.  Well, I guess that's not entirely true. I have lovely lumps and bruises left over from progesterone shots. I still actually have some marks on my legs from stim shots before the egg retrieval. I look about four months pregnant (which is just exceptionally cruel) from all of the other hormones causing extreme bloating, stress eating, and from not being able to work out for the last few weeks. Oh, and I even have the mood swings of a raging PMSer and the ability to cry repeatedly at the drop of a hat. I also got to lead all of my friends and family down this amazing inspiring story just to get their hopes up to later let them crash and burn as well. So, I guess if you're a "glass half full" kind of person, you could say I got something out of it after all. I'm also sure I'm not the only one that's been through all of that either. Sadly, I know too well, there are many of us.


We were given remarkable odds for IVF. Because I've already naturally became pregnant, carried and given birth to Liam, my body was expected to be more accepting of the process. I'm healthy, active, and young. All the odds were in our favor. After the FET (frozen embryo transfer) I stayed on bed rest for three days, doctors orders. I tried to hit most of the "old wives tales"  that surrounded IVF success stories. I had been drinking 4+ liters of water daily, and morning smoothies (room temperature) for a few weeks leading up to the big day, and following. I had pineapple core, pomegranate juice, berries, nuts, avocado, healthy oils (coconut, extra virgin, etc), leafy greens, and more daily in addition to our regular balanced meals. I stayed away from anything frozen or cold. I immediately started avoiding the normal things you should while pregnant. After the three days, I went to work, came home and relaxed as instructed. I went on a few light walks with the pups, and enjoyed lots of funny and feel good movies. I was feeling great. I was positive. I had maybe two times where I could tell my blood pressure raised and I'm sure it was from being anxious. I did the best I could to take deep breathes and calm myself down. Everyone just "says" to not get stressed out. Lets not even get started on how unrealistic that even is. Its only everything on the line here while its all out of my control. When aching for your first born, remembering the miscarriages along with the other baby boy we should have had, and the constant yearning for a baby to have and hold to take home safely while realizing that it could all be happening right now inside your own body is the first thing and only thing on your mind every single moment of every single day, yeah, I guess it should be just so easy to not think about or stress about. Its only our life. But yeah, shame on me for "stressing" which I feel despite everything I did a great job avoiding.


On day eight (8dp5dt) I took a home pregnancy test. It was negative. I didn't let that scare me. I knew it was early, and when I was pregnant before I never was ever able to get a positive pregnancy test early. I just kept doing the things that distracted me, and made my days happy. I tested again (12dp5dt) the day before I was supposed to go to Red Rock Fertility to test. It was negative again. That's when I accepted it. I knew that there could be some miracle change and I was so open to that, but I knew, I wasn't pregnant. I knew it had failed. The next day came and sure enough, they confirmed it. It hurt just as bad as the day before.


There was so much lost emotionally. Not to mention the time it all took and the costs. Normally if you have a failed round you have other embryos to try and transfer. Its a matter of waiting a month or so and trying again, and again. If you don't have embryos left, well, you start all over from the beginning. If we could even try it again, it would be months to go through the checks again, birth control. stims, egg retrieval, testing, and IF we even get any healthy embryos - finally transfer....... All you do while you wait is try and stay hopeful. You envision your life and what it could be like if and when this process works. You lose yourself in that dream and all of its wonderfulness. Then that too is taken and you feel like a fool for thinking it in the first place.


Liam would have been two in upcoming March. TWO. Running, talking, growing. I have SO SO many closest friends and family that are starting and continuing their families. I should be pregnant with a toddler running around to catch right along side with them. It seems like the perfect foundation for the life I wanted FOR my children is surrounding me perfectly . Only its cruel because I have nothing to contribute but sorrow and failed attempts. I'm so happy for them, but so destroyed to not be with them. I just want that next chapter of life. I feel sad for my family. Knowing that it breaks them to know that this didn't work. The distant ones that I know feel for us, but avoid talking to us because they don't even know what to say or what they believe in anymore. I hate feeling responsible for so many other peoples pain. I feeling like because what's happened to us, has questioned their own faith. You know that girl that just lights up the room when she walks in? Well, when I enter a room, I feel like the dark cloud that reminds everyone of sadness, pain, and pity, making them feel uneasy. Now instead of focusing on holding myself together, I feel the pressure to try and make everyone else feel comfortable and show them how "okay" I am to put them at ease.  I want nothing more than to finally have news that will make them happy. I'd love to have park play dates and BBQs with my friends while all of our kids run around and play together. Now I'm not sure if this dark cloud will ever even leave us. I feel that I have failed. I feel ashamed and disgraced. I'm so unbelievably sad for everything. Its truly unbelievable. There are no words, no comfort, nothing that can fix what seems broken.


I don't want this all to be taken as "oh, woe is me". This is just what life is for us right now. Of course I'm angry and distraught, but that's okay. I'm okay. We really will be okay. I'm not sure what our next steps are. I know we will meet with Red Rock Fertility center to see if they have any feedback, but everything went so perfectly, I'm not sure if they will even have any. It is what it is. This just wasn't the miracle we were hoping it would be. I have no idea what to do now going forward. To be honest, I'm exhausted. I know Ill be taking some time to focus on myself again. I feel so lost in everything that its important for me to feel like me again. For now, Ill just surround myself with all the good in life. My husband. Our home. Our pups. Our family. Our friends. Hiking in the beautiful upcoming Spring scenery. Wine & LUSH Bath bombs. The little things. I don't know why we are here, or why these hardships have fallen on us. I know that its hardened me very much. Its changed me in many, many ways. I also know that's it's made my heart bigger, my marriage unconditional, my patience stronger and my compassion for others grow. These are things that some people lack their entire lives either by ignorance or circumstance. I never want to be that old bitter, mean, lonely woman. I'm so thankful for the angels and wonderful people in my life. Thank you for always being here, supporting, praying, and loving us. And for the other hurting mommas out there... Hopefully the miracle you're waiting for comes to you, and soon. Its so so easy to lose yourself in this process. Live while you wait for the storm to pass.


I promise. We will be okay.

IVF Timeline from Beginning to End (Round 1)

I know when I started this process, I wanted to know what type of timeline to expect. It helped me to have a clear idea of how long it would all take. Below is the timeline for our first round of IVF. Our round went perfectly. Nothing was set back or canceled. I responded perfectly to all meds and procedures. Below is our timeframe of our experience with IVF doing a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) from the beginning consult, through stims, egg retrieval, transfer and end result.


July 2015 - Scheduled a consultation with Red Rock Fertility. Our Treatment package was $16,000.00 for one round. PGD was $4,500.00. Stim Meds - $2,529.30. Transfer Meds $559.95. Round one total expenses, $23,589.25 plus insurance deductibles, etc.


September 8th 2015 - Our first appointment with Red Rock Fertility. They reviewed our case, discussed pricing and the overall process.
September 17th 2015 - Paid Genesis Genetics, Probe construction and research began.
September 29th 2015 - Diagnostic Testing, Ultrasound & Blood work, Female Exam, Day 3 cycle specific, Semen Analysis, Hormone check.
October 1st 2015 - Sonohysterography
October 4th 2015 - Preop labs.
October 6th 2015 - Surgery (Hysteroscopy) to examine uterine cavity
October  21st 2015 - Follow up Consult and Treatment plan. Began Birth Control Pills.
November 9th 2015 - Ordered Stim Medications/Injections from Integrity RX Pharmacy.
November 25th 2015 - Last birth control pill
December 1st 2015 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood work, Started Stims (Menopur & Gonal F).
December 4th 2015 - Ultrasound and Blood work, Increased Gonal F.
December 7th 2015 -  Ultrasound and Blood work

December 9th 2015 -  Ultrasound and Blood work, Trigger Shot.

December 11th 2015 - Egg Retrieval - Retrieved 16 eggs, 11 mature, 9 fertilized via ICSI. 7 made it to blast (day 5) and were sent for PGD testing.
December 24th 2015 - Back on birth control pill.
December 30th 2015 - Received the following results for our PGD testing.

1. 1 - Affected GACI Carrier
2. 2 - Affected GACI Carrier
3. 3 - Other Chromosome Abnormalities
4. 4 - Affected GACI Carrier
5. 5 - Unaffected GACI Carrier (5AA Baby girl)
6. 6 - Unknown (Sent to retest and embryo didn't survive thaw)
7. 7 - Affected GACI Carrier

January 8th 2016 - Last birth control pill
January 13th 2016 - Baseline Ultrasound and Blood work.
January 14th 2016 - Began 1 tab Estrace Estrogen and baby aspirin daily.
January 18th 2016 - Ultrasound and Blood work.
January 21st 2016 - Started Estrogen Patch, increase Estrace Estrogen to 2 tabs daily.
January 22nd 2016 - Ultrasound and Blood work.
January 25th 2016 - Ultrasound and Blood work. Began Progesterone in oil injections, and progesterone cream daily.
January 27th 2016 - Begin Medrol (four days) increase Estrace Estrogen to 3 tabs daily.
January 30th 2016 - Transfer Day - Transferred 1 5AA Baby Girl.
Following transfer during the two week wait - Continue Estrace Estrogen 3 tabs , Baby aspirin, Prenatal, Estrogen patch, Progesterone injection and Progesterone cream.
February 3rd 2016 - Hormone check, Progesterone - 39.55, Estradiol - 412.5
February 8th 2016 - Hormone check, Progesterone - 38.17, Estradiol - 344.4
February 12th 2016 - Hormone check, Progesterone - 45.36, Estradiol - 561.4, HCG - 0

 

IVF Round 1 - BFN, Fail.
We plan to meet with out doctor to see if she has any feedback on our cycle. :(


Update
We met with our IVF Dr and she said everything went perfectly and she has no insight as to why our round failed. Looking at my levels, the embryo quality, etc, there's no reason why it shouldn't have been successful.

Our FET Day!

Well! After what feels like years have passed since we started this process, the time was finally here for our IVF Transfer! I was ordered to start two forms of progesterone 5 days before our scheduled FET and had a steroid 4 days leading up to the FET. I was, and currently am still on estrogen three times a day, on an estrogen patch, taking prenatals and baby aspirin, and now two different forms of progesterone (cream and PIO injection). HORMONE OVERLOAD. Overall I've been feeling fine, and really, really looking forward to transfer.

With all of the preparations for this process, I think I expected more out of it. We arrived to Sunset Surgery Center (associated with Red Rock Fertility) a little earlier than my appointment time. I was immediately given a gown, robe, and hair net and asked to wait with Justin in the procedure room. We sat there for maybe 20 minutes or so in what felt like 100 degree heat, which freaked me out because usually surgery rooms are cold.... I assumed it had something to do with the embryo, its temperature, and the process. Nurses were coming in and out preparing everything. Eventually I was laid back and strapped in. They also require a full bladder for the process, which I was prepared for, but I was not prepared to have this full bladder, and then wait 20 additional minutes before the process. Eventually they wheeled in this NICU incubator thing, that contained our embryo. They were able to zoom in 100x to get a clear picture of her. When the process actually started, I was beyond uncomfortably full. The process itself was very similar to a regular OBGYN exam for a woman. They took the embryo out of the incubator and used tools to place her inside of me. It took maybe less than 5 minutes tops. I was awake the entire time and it was completely painless besides the full bladder. They asked me to sit and wait, for an additional 10-15 minutes without moving, sneezing, stressing or laughing. Which, I mean, I'm usually doing ONE of those things... Lol And not to mention, now I had to PEE SO SO BADLY and now the only thing I can think about is how badly I had to pee and all my fears of peeing out this little precious embryo we just spent months on to implant. Obviously, the science behind the fact that the embryo was placed in my uterus and my bladder has nothing to do with that, should have reassured me, but its all I could think about... So, after laying there, in silence, resting we were finally told to go home and rest. I was on bed rest for that entire day, and pretty close to bed rest for the next two days. After the two days, I could go back to normal activity, but no exercise, stress, running, or heavy lifting. Those were my instructions for the next two weeks. I'm still on all the medication as before.

I feel completely normal. I don't have any symptoms. The symptoms I convince myself I do have could also be explained by all of the medication. There's no way of knowing if she is sticking. There's no indication of anything really. Its waiting alone, in the dark, for two very long weeks clinging on to the hope that this little girl will hang on and be ours forever. No pressure.

Wishing us all faith, trust and baby dust! Until next time. <3

Preparing for FET!

Today I had an appointment with our fertility center to begin preparing for our transfer! Our tentative transfer day is set for January 31st/February 1st.

I recovered and healed from the egg retrieval and I finally believe that all of those extra hormones are out of my body! WOW. I thought I was doing so well with not having mood swings or anything like that while we were doing the injections... I also thought that after the retrieval the worst was over after all of the bloating and discomfort. Well, I was wrong! I broke out like an angry raging teenager with acne all over my face. FOR. WEEKS. It was terrible! I was also still fighting the constant urge to cry! Not over super serious stuff that should make me cry, but over stupid things like commercials, lyrics, sunrises, an "I love you" text.... Ugh, DUMB! But finally - I feel like myself again.

Finally its time to begin preparing for our FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). This is when they thaw out our perfect one little 5AA grade baby embryo and transfer it inside of me. Then we wait two weeks to determine if it "sticks" & implanted correctly. Then hopefully we move on with a healthy pregnancy! In the meantime I've been drinking daily smoothies containing juiced kale & pineapple, orange juice, coconut oil, flax seed, strawberries and bananas to boost my body with extra nutrients. Its an old wives' tale that speak of pineapple core, pomegranate juice, avocados and coconut oil will help your IVF success. There's not any concrete "proof" of any of these that I know of, but it cant hurt to try! All of these super foods are good for you anyways, and the smoothies come out delicious! Plus - It makes me feel like I'm doing something to help the process which gives peace to an anxious mind. I've also been back to working out regularly after not staying consistent over the holidays and taking it easy following our egg retrieval.

The following medications were ordered after our appointment today -

• Estrace Pills
• Vivelle Dot Patches
• Medrol Pills
• Baby Asprin (81mg)
• Crinone
• Progesterone in Oil (Injection)

I have a schedule for the next two weeks to start some of these medications, and the others are soon follow. Everything else looks good!


Its crazy to think that we began our IVF journey in July 2015. Its all actually went very smooth for us time wise, which is why its hard to believe the day of our transfer is finally just two short weeks away. All in all, I'm so anxious, terrified, thankful, and optimistic about the next coming weeks. There's no way of knowing if it will or will not work. Its hard for me when people say "Its going to work, I just know it!" because, It may not. Its out of our hands. I know people like to think that's reassuring us, but its not. Its almost like a false hope. This really may not work at all. Just because it "should" or "we deserve it" doesn't actually entitle us to anything from God or the Universe's point of view. That would be fair. And we all know life is absolutely not fair. It may work, and I'd like to think and hope that it will, That we will be so blessed to have this go so perfectly our first round. So all I ask is that you hope and pray (HARD) for us and with us. This really could work!  There's days where I feel like I know for a fact that this is going to work (But I've also thought this.... about all 4 pregnancies...). Our IVF odds are amazing and high from what I've been told an we've had a lot of factors on our side. I have responded so well to everything so far. Everything is right on track where it should be. I'm really looking forward to the opportunity of actually being pregnant next month, and bringing home a healthy baby (just days) after delivery to spend the rest of our lives with. I'm getting swept up in the "awe" of it again. Getting lost in all the dreaming of the possibilities of our future.
How absolutely wonderful it would all be.


Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers! Thank you all. :)

Embryo Update :: PGD/PGS Results

We started out this journey harvesting 16 eggs. 11 were mature, 9 were fertilized and 7 made it to day five of growing. In the end, we had 7 embryos to test for our disorder.


Typically some come back abnormal for random reasons, and some will come back with the disorder that they are specifically being tested for, in our case, IIAC/GACI. I was so unbelievably hopeful that with going into this with 7 to test, we would get 3 or 4 for sure to keep on ice so we had the opportunity to try at least 1-3 rounds of IVF if needed. I hoped that we would be lucky enough for it to work the first time, with implanting one or two, and then have the remaining embryo(s) frozen for a sibling later. If you already have the embryos frozen, a future transfer isn't nearly as expensive as a full cycle, because you wouldn't need to go through the diagnostic testing, injections or retrieve eggs again. You would just skip to the transferring of the eggs part, and see if it works. I was so hopeful for all of this. After all, each embryo only had a 25% chance of being an affected carrier.

I finally got the call with the test results from our embryos. Only 1 of the 7 are healthy and eligible to transfer. From what I was specifically told, all of the other 6 embryos had GACI/IIAC. None of them were abnormal in any other way. Ill get a more detailed explanation of everything on soon when the lab specialist/Dr calls with the full breakdown. I'm really hoping, somehow, there was some mistake somewhere.


I am so so unbelievably grateful for this one. This one perfect one! But I feel that so much was lost as well. The pressure and fears associated with this process anyways is so much. The cost (Which we have gotten overwhelming support with), the injections, the drawn out timeline, the risks, the odds, etc. I tried everything to ease myself of the stress. The help with the cost alone took off so so much pressure, and I am so grateful for that. Then knowing that because of having such a high number of eggs retrieved to start with, I was in a much better position to have more healthy embryos. This gave me a sense of a safety blanket. Like, if this didn't work out the first time, it was okay, and I had more, I would just have to be strong enough to keep trying. I could do that. It also reassured me that the possibility of twins was realistic (though risky), or at least still having two (living) children total to grow our family. Now Im left feeling that even though our odds are still good with this remaining egg, our fate is still not in any way guaranteed. Instead of feeling like this was another first chance, I feel as if it could be our only and last. If this one egg doesn't work, we have nothing to fall back on. All of the money put in would be lost and for nothing in return. Any hopes to try again would mean starting from the very beginning and cost an additional 20k (We are saving 6k because our probe for the testing is already built.... What a deal huh....). And not to make it sound like its all about the money, but when you don't have it ..... It certainly does limit things. I know anything is possible still, but wow.


I was so proud of having so much faith and optimism. I felt much less stress and was so ready to go into this with a good positive, confident attitude. I knew that through all of our losses, it was possible to still have what we've always wanted. Now it feels like everything is riding on this one shot, and its all completely out of my hands. To say the least, I am so completely fearful.


2016 is a new year. New insurance benefits were offered. In addition to our genetic situation (Which we have yet to have anyone cover) I also had the diagnosis of PCOS. If that is true, that should mark me under the "infertile" category on paper and may help with funding a part of any future needed rounds, if that's the way we go. Im not by any means thinking this round wont work. But reassuring myself that maybe it doesn't all depend on this one little tiny egg gives me a better peace of mind. Our little remaining egg is in excellent healthy condition I was told. He or She has every chance at making it. We have every chance at a successful full term pregnancy resulting in a birth of a healthy baby. I still feel like it will work. I still feel hopeful. Ive still read and heard of much MUCH worse scenarios and suffering by other parents going this route. I know we still have so much on our side, and that this is all very very possible for us. The fact that we were given this opportunity to try at all is a miracle that I am very, very grateful for. After all, it only takes "one".


Our embryo transfer is set for the end of January. Then we will wait and see!

Egg Retrieval and Embie Update

Well! Our Retrieval Day was on the 11th and went very, very well. I felt fine leading up to and on the day of retrieval. I didn't notice many side effects from the injections other than some minimal bloating, and I was a bit on the emotional side. Luckily not the crazy hormonal side, just the crying a little more randomly and a bit more over the moon happy and positive. It was nice actually. After retrieval I felt fine, I came home and slept most of the day, ate ice cream and watched movies. The following days I experienced more and more swelling. So much swelling, that I looked very very VERY pregnant. I even woke in my sleep one night to use the bathroom and felt that I was in a very real flashback of waking up while carrying Liam in the middle of the night to do the same, trying to roll out of bed, hold my belly and waddle over to the bathroom. Queue random crying.
Originally after the procedure I was told to expect some minor PMS like pains and cramps and if it was anything more to go to the ER, and that I would be good to resume my daily routine the following day. So here I am with completely different pains and immense swelling - panicking but trying to stay calm and tell my self its fine. I call and talk to my nurse & thank God I took it easy for so many days because I was told very, very wrong information from the discharge nurse. My Dr was wondering why I wasn't already in pain and that it was definitely better. She also explained that I was not clear to go back to my normal routine, and the swelling is normal, and was also expected to get worse before it got better. Wow. I was so reassured that what I was feeling was normal! I was so worried that something was wrong and I was at risk for OHSS (Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) is a medical condition affecting the ovaries of some women who take fertility medication to stimulate egg growth. Most cases are mild, but rarely the condition is severe and can lead to serious illness or worse.). It took 6 days, but I finally felt back to normal and having my swelling going to normal. I am so so so happy that everything went well and that I healed as well and fast as I did.


I am happy to say that we retrieved 16 eggs! 11 of them were mature, and 9 successfully fertilized via ICSI. After 5 days, lucky 7 of them made it to blast. A good explanation of the process of the embryos after retrieval can be found here (https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/ob-gyn/fertility-center/our-services/infertility-treatment/ivf/ivf-step-by-step.aspx) Now they will be tested (PGS and PGD) and frozen until transfer. We are unbelievably happy to have so many make it to this stage.

Now we are waiting for our results to see how many transfer eligible embabies we have. Our transfer should be in January if everything works as planned. Until then, we wait, relax, and enjoy this happy news and place that we are in right now. I remember being disappointed at the timeline of this IVF process because originally I thought I would be transferring in November and December. Now that we are this far in the process, Im glad that I have been able to enjoy the holidays without the stress of worry and pressure of the "two week wait". Im really happy to have this holiday time to be us, remember, honor and miss our Liam, and get a fresh start in the new year.






Everything has been going so well so far. We are unbelievably blessed, happy and thankful. Thank you all for your continued support and love. Happy Holidays!

Our Stims Experience and Update!

Hello!


Stim update - We began stims on December 1st. We were prescribed Gonal F, Menopur, Cetrotide, Pregnyl, Zithromax, and Fluconazole. I know when I was getting ready to start and in the process I was so curious to compare with others. I really appreciated those that opened their lives and shared their progress. It was so nice to hear others thoughts and experiences. Here's a little breakdown of our progress.

 

Blood Tests and Ultrasounds
Baseline Tests (Day 1 prior to injections)

• Estradiol - 55.30
• Follicular Ultra Sound - 3 Follicles on Left Ovary, 3 Follicles on Right Ovary.

 

12/4 Tests (Stim Day 4)

• Estradiol -  837.3
• Follicular Ultra Sound - 5 Follicles on Left Ovary, 10+ Follicles on Right Ovary.

 

12/7 Tests (Stim Day 7)

• Estradiol -  2710
• Follicular Ultra Sound - 6 Follicles on Left Ovary, 10+ Follicles on Right Ovary.

 

12/9 Tests (Stim Day 9)

• Estradiol -  2664
• Follicular Ultra Sound - 9 Follicles on Left Ovary, 10+ Follicles on Right Ovary.

 

Stims  Process

Stims Day 1 - 3

• Gonal F 175 & Menopur Vile
   

Stims Day 4 - 6

• Gonal F 100 & Menopur Vile
   

Stims Day 7 - 8

• Gonal F 100, Menopur, Cetrotite
   

Stims Day 9

• Trigger Shot Pregnyl
   

Stims Day 10

• No Shots!  Oral Pills Zithromax, and Fluconazole.
   

Day 11

• Retrieval Day!

The first night starting injections I felt very hot and almost dizzy afterwards. I'm pretty sure this was from me building up so much anxiousness about it. I could feel movement that almost felt like bubbles in my lower stomach. I may have just been over analyzing everything, but I swear I could feel bubbles! The Menopur BURNS, but its short lived. The Gonal F was easy and pain free. I those my legs for the injection site, and iced the area for 10-15 minutes prior to having my husband injecting them. When the Cetrotite was added I was afraid that the longer needle (3/4 vs the 1/2 I was used to) would hurt more. It was effortless and pain free too. At least it didn't burn! Doing all three in a night wasn't awful either. On the third day I started to feel pressure and bloating. I didn't gain any weight but I could feel the difference in my stomach. On day 6-8 it was on and off pressure and bloating. I was careful when sitting down because the pressure became so much. It wasn't painful, I was just overly cautious. The day of the trigger shot I was SO worried. The Pregnyl shot needle was almost 3 inches long - AND had to be injected in the rear! EEKeeekkkk! Again, all the fear and anticipation for nothing, it was no more painful than the others and didn't burn at all. It hurt the next day feeling extremely bruised, but it was easy. :)


So far I'm so thankful that I have responded so well to everything. I'm so happy that the injections weren't torturous and that my husband is sweet and supportive enough to be gentle about it all! I'm glad that I didn't turn into some raging hormonal nutcase either! I was actually extra happy during most of this time. I'm really excited about retrieval but not looking forward to being back to just waiting. I feel so helpless and down when there's nothing I can do to work towards our future little potential children. I will be looking forward to a break in the process to just relax, but after about a day Ill be back to anxiousness. Hopefully the holidays will be a great distraction while we visit with our families and loved ones.


Hoping, wishing and praying for many, MANY healthy quality IIAC free eggs!

Shots, Hormones & Turkey

Another step forward!


Big news! This week my medications arrived!!! And - Wow. Its a bit intimidating. First of all, after my insurance, the cost was $3000.00 just for what you see in the picture below and is not included in what was paid for the IVF package. Luckily we qualified for a discount and got it lowered a bit, which I am very thankful. I tried to ask over the phone what I was paying for. I couldn't even understand the prescription names they were naming off. My anxiousness drove me to look up the names that I guessed they were to see what I was in for. After an overload of information, I decided to just chill, and wait it out so I don't work my self up over side affects and risks. So, a few days later this box arrives and in contains the following.

21 Injections -

• Menopur Injections 10
• Pregnyl Intramuscular Solution - 1
• Gonal-F Injection Pen - 6
• Cetrotide Injection Kit - 4

3 Tablets -

• Azithromycin Tab 500mg - 2
• Fluconazole Tab 150mg - 1

Red Rock Fertility Office Visits

• Countless.....

21 INJECTIONS!? EEK! I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a bit of a pity melt down of "Why us!? Why does it have to be this way? Why is this so much and so hard!? Why cant I just get knocked up and have healthy babes like its supposed to be?" - and so on and so forth. Gahhhh.... But. This is the road we are on. This is the journey we are in. I don't know if this is where we were "destined" to be or not, but this is where we are. I have the strongest, most understanding and caring husband by my side and a million blessings to be thankful for. So, I took a deep breathe, and decided not to worry about the shots until I have to. Which, will be the week of Thanksgiving. I will be scared. It will hurt. Its not romantic. Ill be a hormonal mess and most likely bloat up like a balloon from what I've been hearing but you know what? I. Don't. Care. Ill do whatever I need to do. The pain and emotions will be worth it in the end. This is our opportunity for a family. One that I hope to have and watch grow and age. If it weren't for science, we may have had to go through much, much more loss and tragedy if we would have even had the courage to try at all. I'm very thankful that we have this opportunity at all. It may not work round one. It may not work at all. But It may! It may work on our first try. We may even get two for one! Whatever the outcome is, I have, very little, if any, control over it. So, in my opinion, its not anything I should worry about (saying and doing are two completely different things, but I'm trying!). I'm trying so desperately to not look at this as a "last chance" but instead as a great opportunity at a miracle. It could happen!


So, in the next coming weeks, while most will be baking for their families, sharing turkey dinners with the sounds of children playing in the background, and black Friday shopping to build an inventory of surprises for Christmas morning, Ill be experimenting with injections, trying to not torture my husband with raging hormones, and missing my baby boy - wondering what he would look like now, what he would be getting in to, and what his personality would be. Liam is so, so genuinely missed in everything we do. Every event or holiday we go to (amongst everything else) feels wrong. Its obvious that he is missing and its hard. But this is what life and the holidays are for me, for my husband, and our family. There's nothing to be done to change it. I have accepted that. The grief and sadness will always be with us. This doesn't mean that we cant be happy too. With WHOLE hearts we feel it all. We hurt, love and miss Liam. We are scared and excited about what the future could bring. We are happy for all of the love and support we have from each other. We are grateful to begin the very real steps of IVF in hopes to announce a new addition next year. I am overwhelmed with all the love I have for my nieces, nephews, and cousins. Through them and my friends children, I have been able to embrace my maternal side. For this too I am so thankful. I'm proud that I haven't been too hardened over the recent years. I'm blessed to still be able to see and feel so much love.


I wont pretend that the sadness and pain doesn't exist. It does very, very much so. It exists in every smile, every memory, every happy moment, every beautiful moment, and grows stronger when bad times arise. I accept it. And I'm still able to find a happy. I'm in love. I'm okay.  I'm still able to see the beauty in so many things. I soak up all the happy moments and pause to soak them in. I embrace everything that makes me happy no matter if its a stupid laugh from the most recent ridiculous thing the Kardasians have done to hearing my nieces read a poem about love off my refrigerator together in perfect harmony while thinking no one can hear them. I am happy. I am blessed. I am going to go into this with the most positive outlook that I can. I just ask that those around me can be compassionate and patient with us. There's a lot on the line these upcoming months. Emotions are high and I have no idea what to expect. Love with us, laugh with us, and please hope and pray for us.

The Hope

Justin and I have been pursuing IVF with PGD. We've had our first appointment and got to sit down, fully comprehend the full depths of the process, and all the associated costs. I’ve seen "estimates" and "averages" before, but when it’s all on paper, with your name on it, in front of you - wow. It’s unbelievable. It should never have to come to a situation like this. For anyone. The costs would be more than all we have. If we finance, we put ourselves in a monthly situation that we wouldn’t be able to afford, let alone with a baby. It would take years to pay off, with interest, and so on and so forth, consistently setting ourselves back. I’ve exhausted every avenue to get it covered. My insurance will not cover it. Even after medical documents showing why we are doing this (not for infertility), letters of recommendation from genetic counselors, highly rated OBs, etc - They are a hard no. They won’t even consider covering a part of it. My insurance is already denying so much of our medical debt because anything regarding genetics is apparently "experimental". It’s unbelievable.
I have never even thought about genetics or what it meant to be a genetic carrier. Its such a small amount of people that are affected, but wow is it an overlooked tragic situation that there is very little support for or awareness around.  I feel the same for those who are infertile. I'm so saddened by all of the obstacles that people have to face to begin a family. Its devastating. It's times like these that I'm so thankful to have all the family and friend that I do have by my side.


On top of the outrageous cost, there's a chance that I don't even get pregnant through IVF or that the pregnancy doesn't thrive. Its so much to have weighing on you at once. But all I can think about is, if it does work, and we are lucky enough to have a successful pregnancy, I'll know that they will be IIAC free and will have even greater chances of being completely healthy because of all the care that will go into the process. As stressful as ALL of this is, it’s a chance I’m willing to take. My aunt and sister have been encouraging us for months to open a fundraiser to allows those that would like to donate to help us with costs. I’ve put it off until I’ve exhausted every other avenue I could. While I was appealing a previous insurance claim, I received a call from my insurance representative who said "Your claim has been approved" and I asked her if this was the IVF w/PGD Claim and if it was covered in full and she replied "Yes". In that one moment, the financial weight of everything was lifted and suddenly my perspective of it all changed completely. Like there was nothing holding me back. Unfortunately, this was a HUGE error and miscommunication on her part, and in no way was my appeal approved. She was referring to a lab test that was from May that was a whopping $600 which is going straight to the lap to pay that outstanding debt. I think that's when I realized the truth in what I was most worried about. The money. Of COURSE. In that moment I was right back to feeling like it was completely impossible and that all odds were against us. Should we risk everything for this? Would it be worth it if we just finance it and risk everything for a situation that's going to be even harder on us in the future? Maybe I should take a step back and let those who are so willing to help us - help. Maybe it is okay. Maybe it will be worth it to just go into it knowing that not only we can come out of this with a new perfect addition to our long time anticipated family, but still be in a place where we can provide for them as we have always dreamt of. The way we have worked this hard for the opportunity to do so.


It’s with high hopes that we can go into this, with as little stress as possible, knowing the power in numbers, surrounded by all of those that love and support us and have nothing but a positive mindset. Our goal is to take home a healthy baby to a loving home without the burden of endless debt just as we intended with Liam. I have no idea of what’s to come. But I know that we will do everything in our power to make this happen. I need to know that I've tried everything. Right now, we are going to move on with IVF w/PGD regardless of what it takes. If you'd like to contribute or share, it would be much appreciated more than I'd ever be able to express.  I want to say "THANK YOU" to everyone that has been on this journey with us, and has been there supporting us every step of the way. All of the loving gestures, kind words, long conversations, prayers and positive energy is so appreciated and comforting. We are forever grateful.


The link to donate is below.  I hope and pray and am at the mercy of fate that we can be lucky enough for this to work for us. Thank you in advance for all kind wishes, support, and shares.


https://www.gofundme.com/forjustin-tracey

Life Moves Pretty Fast Standing Still

I wanted to give a bit of an update on the exciting world of Schlosser living... Though I don't have any fun announcements to share, life has continued to move forward, quickly, and we have been, well, still.


All the world around me...
It literally seems like everyone around me is preparing to be pregnant, pregnant, or has just had a newborn. I'm sure there's little I can do about the reality of this considering my age and the age of everyone close to me. Honestly, its such a blessing. Its painful of course because I want nothing more than to be one of them.  Its plain and simple envy and I think its natural. One of the people (not that I even know her.. #creepystalkerstatus) that I found on IG who lost her only child two months after we lost Liam, is pregnant. Not only pregnant, but was pregnant exactly when I was previously. Her due date is 1 day before mine was supposed to be in December. Now instead of reading and relating to her posts like I used to, I feel like I'm left in the shadows watching her belly grow, knowing mine should have been right there with hers. It used to be so comforting to see someone else go through all of the same emotions through grief and tackle them with such a positive outlook. I'm just a little sad we are on different pages now but so, so, so unbelievably happy for her. With my first pregnancy after Liam, another friend of mine was pregnant at the same time, due the same month. She just had her baby. And so on, and so forth. The world of conceiving continues, and I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. Its SO unbelievably easy to play the victim.... I want nothing more than a living child of my own, to play with all the other children! I'm sure this comes to no shock to anyone, duh, this is the same dream we've been chasing for years now. Its not like when we finally do have a child that everyone else will stop having babies. After each pregnancy announcement I feel myself going through the same spiral of emotions, have a rough bitter envious day, then after some soul searching, pull my self back together and realize - This will ALWAYS continue to happen. Life is as certain as death. The world will continue to spin and grow. It could be SO easy to be dragged down by envy and sadness. But why? None of this is my fault. And we are doing everything we can to work towards a family of our own. So I need to remind myself to stop comparing my life with others, or where I want to be, and live in the now. Its easier said than done most days, but that doesn't change the fact. I'm truly happy for all of those out there moving forward in their lives and growing. One day when and if we are lucky enough to have a little one at home, people will still continue to have more babies, and Ill feel silly for ever feeling left behind in the first place. Its not like when we have a living child, all other baby booming will cease and my little will have no one left to play with. It will always continue just as its supposed to. I bask in the beauty of all of the photos from my inner friends and families children and the memories they are making with them. All of the happiness that is shown through these memories and photos makes me strive to keep fighting for my own. I only have control over so much, and that's okay. As blunt as it sounds, and as devastating as it is to accept, children are never guaranteed to anyone. Its a cruel sentence to any couple to face, but its still a fact. There are women all over the world that cannot carry, are not fertile, are genetic carriers, or have their children full term just to face the devastation of having a still born or facing SIDS later on. Trying to find a reason in any of it will cripple you. I'm not sure that's the point. I believe that you should be thankful for what you have, as often as you can. One can only hope for more. Life is not fair. I'm not sure it was every supposed to be. Not that that's okay, but it just is what it is. Since I'm here, living out this life, I'm still trying to make the absolute most of it. I want to be the positive person that sees beauty in everything. If it takes a few bad days to get back to that, fine. I'm just proud that I haven't lost all hope and sight yet. Today is a good day. I am where I am. That's okay.


Baby News
We agreed not to try naturally since our last pregnancy resulted in another genetically affected baby boy. That's nothing I ever want to go through again. I took the leap of faith, it backfired, and there's nothing I can do about that now. I just refuse to try again blindly. We have an appointment at Red Rock Fertility in September. We want to get more information on our chances of having a successful pregnancy through IVF w/PGD taking our history in to account. The costs for this would be $17, 000.00 - $20,000.00. I recently submitted a claim to my insurance company to see if they would help with the associated costs. I went to great lengths to explain how much they have already been billed (well over $400,000.00) vs the cost of the procedure and how beneficial it would be for all of us if they would help. I had letters from our genetic counselors with their recommendations to go this route as well. Earlier this week we received the letter that explained in three short sentences that we were denied.

As argumentative as I can be about this, if its not covered, its not covered. Its not like I can battle the insurance company to get my way. I just really hoped that they could see the whole picture. I plan on appealing, but I'm just not sure what difference it will make. I really, really hope if I give them enough trouble and stay persistent, they could maybe change their minds. I've heard of organizations that offer grants or scholarships to help cover costs, I'm just not sure how confident I am with the time frame of waiting that out and our chances of actually getting it. There are unfortunately SO many families out there needing the same thing. I've also had family members offer to open a fundraiser account to help raise funds. Ive struggles with this as well. I feel I already received so much when Liam passed to help us out with expenses while we were out of work and for the costs of everything. Justin and I make decent money to live the way we do. We just don't make the kind of money that would allow us to drop twenty grand on the roulette table (odds are about the same) on our chance of a healthy pregnancy. I couldn't imagine being burdened by financial debt in additional to everything else. To be so loved and blessed by others is so heartwarming. Its just a hard decision to make. We still aren't sure of what road to take. I know first, we are going to appeal this denial, and take it from there. One step at a time, its all we can do.


On another note, summer is coming to an end. As fun as this summer was with vacations, gatherings, and concerts, I for one cannot wait for Autumn. Something about being able to go outside, comfortably, with our puppies and not be scorched by the sun is so refreshing. More trips to the park, less sweat, more hiking, colorful leaves, crisp breeze, pumpkin everything, boots - basically - All the #basic things. It makes me feel so comforted! I cannot wait. I'm also determined to take on the holidays this year vs avoiding them like last year. I wished I was in a better position to do so, but, again, it is what it is and I'm going to embrace it regardless!