The Rainbow

Our rainbow baby (A rainbow baby is born shortly after the loss of another baby. Its meant to signify the rainbow after a storm.) was born in June. My husband and I found that we are carriers for an extremely rare genetic condition after the unexpected passing of our affected first born son, Liam James, in 2014. After some defeating additional tries, we decided to go through IVF to try and have another child. After two stim rounds, and three transfers, we were pregnant with a precious baby girl.


Our rainbow miss Quinn Ann observing the bear we had made from her big brother Liam's jammies.

 I documented the entire pregnancy - how it varied from my pregnancy with Liam, the different emotions it brought on, different scares, etc. I liked being able to compare the two experiences. This pregnancy I was more aware of what was happening inside my body and I felt so close to this child so soon. Especially after the scary points in the pregnancy, I was really happy to just have her growing inside me, just the two of us. It felt safe and I loved it. I didn't know what to expect with her birth. I knew it would be hard, I knew it would feel different, I just didn't know what to expect. I made sure to have private time set aside, with just the three of us, to feel everything I needed to feel after she arrived. The fears I had during the csection were more than I expected. The weight of how much everything could change so quickly for better or worse was too much for me to envision. I struggled with calming myself down.

Once they delivered her, and showed her to me, I just felt relief and numbness. I just didn't expect what happened next. It was surreal. I was so happy that she was out and safe, crying and breathing. She passed all of her tests and checks perfectly. She was brought into our recovery room with us and we just held her and stared at her. We did skin to skin. We let her latch to my breast to feed. She was perfect. I was so in love with her, immediately. I was so grateful that she was ours and here and healthy. I had all of the typical mom feelings for her new child. What I didn't expect was to also feel so much fear and detachment.

It took me awhile to realize that's what I was feeling. I'm sure it was brought on by grief, hormones, and horrific memories, but it was hard to understand. I would hold this perfect little child and feel distant from her. You can imagine the wave of guilt that also came with that... I was afraid to fully accept and let myself feel that she was mine. With Liam, It felt more and more like he was God's and just on borrowed time with us. I know we are all Gods children, but the fear of her being taken from us too, today, tomorrow, years from now, it was too unbearable for me to think of. I was afraid to fully feel all of my love for her because of how much it would hurt if anything would ever happen to her. I had a wall up. I love her, held her, smelled her, soaked her up but with limits. I'd look at her and want her so much but be afraid to accept that she was here and I had her and that she was healthy.

It took a couple days to understand what I was feeling and why I was feeling it. I thought maybe it was post pardon depression, and I guess in a way it could have been. Once I had a few days to figure it out, it was a matter of convincing myself that that's not a way to fully love. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. I had to tell myself, once again, that this is something we don't have control of. I had to look at it as every single second we have with her is a blessing and I need to open my heart all the way, despite the dark possibilities. Its the only way to love anyone. She deserves all of me, not part of me.

The first few days were hard. Sleeping the first night while in the hospital was hard. I was so terrified she wouldn't be here when I woke up. I had to talk to a nurse about it so I could feel comfortable enough to sleep. I was reassured how to lay her in her bed (even though I know how to lay her in her bed), and she agreed to check on us often. Every breath terrified me. Every moment made me question if it was "normal" or not. The fears of accidents that could happen started running through my head. When we came home I could not have been more relieved to be at our own home and to get to share it with her. But with that comfort came more fear about the fact that we were no longer surrounded by nurses and no longer had a safety net of any kind. Then when family and friends started visiting, my anxiety about germs and sickness went through the roof. I was becoming so overprotective and worried that it was hard for me to enjoy it. Even those that I knew were great with kids, even after watching them wash their hands and keep their distance, it just felt so scary.

Then we went through a period during the second week where I became so obsessed with her breathing (fast breathing) and all of the new sounds she would make. If there was a cough, gag, or coo I would think something was wrong. I took her temperature every time she did anything new, again, automatically assuming it was a symptom or just something out of the normal. It was almost like I as waiting for something bad to happen. After being reassured by amazing supportive medical professionals that she was perfect and healthy I could stop stressing about it and wait for the next symptom. At the end of each feeding I would worry that she didn't get enough, or had too much and would surely be throwing it up. At the end of each day I would feel like I didn't do a good enough job. On the days that we had to leave the house for doctor appointments I would feel so terrible for even having to take her out in the heat at all (even though the car would be started and cooled, she would have a fan on her constantly, and I had a cold bottle of water to use to cool her also if needed). Now that I'm sitting here today, at almost one month of her life, I can finally see how silly these things were. Its not at all to say that anything new still doesn't put me on edge a bit, but its so nice to see her developing and thriving and getting to enjoy it. Its good to be in a place where I can enjoy the good things instead of focusing on what could go wrong. I'm learning too, that as the days go by, there are more and more good things, more reassurance, more confidence, and less insecurities.

I'm pretty sure I will always be more dramatic, overly cautious, and slightly stressed out when it comes to our little baby girl. I know a level of this is true about any parent. I'm just not sure where that bar is set since we didn't get to experience normal with Liam. As each day passes I feel more and more reassured that we are making the right choices with her. Its been amazing to see a little more of her personality each day. I'm familiar with her different cries and noises and what they usually mean. I also accepting that she is ever changing and that almost every time I feel like I have the hang of something, she will grow and change and I have to constantly adapt to keep up with her demands.

I cant believe its almost been a month with her already. There's no measurement large enough to express the love I have for her. I still lay at night just watching her breathe. I just sit and stare at her during our morning feedings trying to figure out how she is so absolutely perfect. Shes growing and changing every single day. I melt when she stares into my eyes and I'm unable to look away first. I'm obsessed with her face, her smells and her sounds. I cant wait to see who she grows up to be. I'm so anxious to watch her hit all of her milestones. I want to spend every single one of my days with her. I'm so unbelievably thankful to be her mother. I have no idea what our future holds, but I do know that we were blessed with an amazing, beautiful and perfect little child. She has filled a part of our hearts again that have been hurting for a very long time. I will always have a place in my heart that's missing for Liam. At the same time, I'm honored and blessed to be able to experience motherhood again, especially to our sweet little Quinn. Its a complicated mix of conflicting emotions that aren't commonly felt together. I'm getting more and more used to them though and again, just beyond thankful to be where we are in life today.

Thank you for everyone that helped us along the way to this dream come true! <3

Quinn's Birth Story

Quinn Ann has finally made her debut into the world! After such a long journey, so many ups and downs, scares, triumphs, etc - SHE IS HERE! What a roller coaster... What a blessing. What a miracle. Here's her birth story.

Let me just start by saying, our original due date was June 15th. When I had my first child, I was a month early. I was so determined that I would not go past 38 weeks with this one. We were given the date of June 14th for our scheduled c section. Again, I told everyone that I would go into labor before that for sure. I even had things wrapped up around mid May to accommodate that. Its not that I necessarily wanted her to come early, I know that the longer they stay in, the better for everyone. I just prayed that she comes when she's good and ready to thrive on her own, and that Id be happy to carry her as long as she let me, but I was also not so subtly hoping shed come just a week or two early (selfish me). My entire pregnancy with Quinn was very different than Liams. She gave me completely different symptoms, she was very interactive, and showed her personality right away just by her movements and position patterns. I should have known she'd come right when she felt like it.

I couldn't believe it. It was June 13th, the day before my scheduled due date. I was just a couple days short of a full 40 weeks pregnant. My c section was scheduled for 5:30 PM the next day. I was dreading not being able to eat or drink anything past 9AM waiting for the surgery. I was sure it would be terrible. Since we were finally accepting that that was what we would have to do, we made a plan to get a HUGE breakfast that morning. I had a weird appetite that night and didn't even eat much. Justin and I talked about our plan for the next day and the few things we would spend the day doing as a distraction until it was surgery time. But - Quinn had her own plan.

I woke up the next morning at 1am with severe cramps. I figured it was just a bad Braxton Hicks and went back to bed to sleep it off... But I couldn't. So I ate one last tum (becaust a 1AM potty break was not complete withoug the overnight heartburn) and a last sip of water. Another 10 minutes  or so later, another one hit. I decided to time it now, since it was pretty painful. They were a clear 10 minutes apart with a light contraction in the middle of the 10 minutes. After about 40 minutes I wake Justin up... "Im pretty sure this is it babe, Im in labor" I told him. He wakes up and I tell him what was happening and while waiting for a few more contractions, I start getting ready... We call our OB and he tells us to head over to the hospital. We get there around 2:30 or so. Im thinking, Im scheduled anyways, they will give me something for pain and we will get this going! The epidural could not have come soon enough and the contractions were less than a minute apart and lasting longer than the break I had in between them. The epidural as much more painful than I remembered, but finally my pain was taken away and we were just waiting until 9am for our doctor to come and deliver. We both dozed off for about 20 minutes or so while waiting for the doctor. Justin and I just laughed about our "plan" to have her at a scheduled c section and how she made sure she still came at her own time. Not to mention, my big breakfast plan was not happening anymore, and I ended up going even longer without food or water this way. We also got alot less sleep this way... Quinn was already all about doing things her way.

Finally it was time to go back. I remember being so cold the whole time. I remember having so much anxiety the whole time. It was just still somehow so sureal that we were here... and that this little perfect miracle of ours was actually coming right now and that so many different scenarios could take place in the next few minutes. I tried to stay calm, but I was so overly tired, so medicated and so worried that Im pretty sure I brought on a few panic attachs where I felt like I couldnt breathe or was definately going to pass out. My oxygen and everything was fine, so Im sure I just couldnt calm myself mentally. Eventually they started surgery, I calmed down a bit after Justin told me they made the cut (and I didnt feel it - RELIEF) and just waited to hear that baby cry. I felt the release of pressure as they pulled her out, and heard her cry right away. I was calm... So calm I could barely stay awake. They lifted her up so I could see her and I couldnt believe she was ours, and that she was here. I was so numb from it all, emotionally. They took her away to be cleaned and evaluated. Justin kept me updated the entire time. The doctors worked to close me up, and I listened for updates on our little girl.

Quinn was born at 10:03 AM on June 14th. She weighed 7lbs, 9oz (Justin totally called the wieght exactly while we were in labor, we both were just laughing when they told us her wieght). She was 19.5 inches. She was perfectly healthy and absolutely beautiful. The flood of emotions that came during that short time was undescribable. Ill explain more on that later. They finished fixing me up, and we were all taken back to our own room to rest. The best part - Quinn came too! That was definately something I took for granted with Liam. With him I just expected him to stay in the room with us while I heeled like I had seen with others and their newborns. When I got pre eclampsia, and he was admittd to the NICU, I just had no idea all of that could be taken away so quickly. The fact that Quinn got to stay with us, and I got to experience skin to skin with her right away, and establish her latching on for breastfeeding right away (which she did SO great with!) was just such a joyous moment for me. Even though I could barely stay awake, I was just astonished at how well everything went and how happy I was.

After about an hour to ourselves to just pull our selves together and soak up our first moments together, we started visiting with family and friends. There was such an abundance of love and joy around us. I felt so grateful to share such happiness with my loved ones. There had been alot of sorrow and struggle for so long. Im so glad we kept trying, found faith again, and were blessed enough to bring this little dream into the world.

I was released two days later and we all came home together. Another dream of mine, and wow what an experience. Im so happy and lucky to be this little girls momma. Its amazing to feel like a mom again. Terrifying, but wonderful. IVF is a beautiful miraculous advancement in science. I know its not for everyone, and that alot of folks are against it. I never imagined going through it myself. But having this little healthy girl, knowing she wont suffer from our genetic disorder, I feel that it was the absolute best decision for us. Im just so thankful it worked for us, despite the time and trials it took to get here. It was worth every penny, every poke, every med, every appointment, and every tear.

Welcome to the world baby Quinn. Let the adventure of our new dream begin.

I know Ive said it a million times, but I want to thank everyone that helped us get here. Thank you for all your love and support. Its been a long road, but our little miracle rainbow baby is here.

Final Bump Update: Week 39

Week: 39
Baby Size: Pumpkin
Pregnancy Side Effects: Just... All of them... Lol but we are healthy! So its allllll good!
Bump Status: Ready to debut!

Currently...
Eating: My favorite snacks M&Ms, String Cheese, and meal wise... still Taco Bell (awful ugh), and seafood!
Craving: SUSHI
Drinking: Water, Gatorade
Wearing: Shorts and Tank Tops (Im pretty much out of outfits at this point... Its too hot to be cute, and shorts and tanks are pretty much my "go to")
Feeling: Good, just large and uncomfortable. The aches and pains still come and go. Im tired, but sleeping has been difficult, so we are just hanging in there.
Weather: We just had our last nice weekend in the 80s/90s. The temperature is just rising from here on out.
Wanting: To be home with Justin and our little baby girl.
Thinking: About our scheduled CSection day!
Enjoying: Working from home... Wow.. What a blessing! (Still 100% accurate)
Missing: Uninterrupted , deep sleep (I feel like that wont come back for a very very long time!
Doing: The last final cleaning and prepping before she comes!


Looking Forward To: The upcoming week!!!! I don't want to announce our actual scheduled C Section date, but it is soon! Im really excited that it is so soon! I also, equally, cannot believe that I have made it past 39 weeks! I really expected (and told everyone) that I would last like 37/38 weeks. Not only have I surpassed that, Im still feeling good, in great health, no signs of any pre-eclampsia or other health concerns, and little miss Quinn is still just as happy and content as ever! She just rolls and kicks and stretches around all day long! Shes super interactive, and its fun to know what gets her to react (foods, voices, lights, cold drinks, certain touches). I feel like Ive been pregnant forever! Especially with having gone through IVF, theres just been so much preparation up to the actual transfer and knowing that I was pregnant at the earliest possibly moment, all the way up to almost 40 weeks. It has been a long road, but I feel like its also been so enjoyable. Now that we are so close to the end result, Im just a BIT anxious!! Lol I know Ive talked about my fears of the actual delivery and Quinn and her health and just everything. I just really hope and pray that everything goes perfectly, and that shes perfectly healthy and happy. I hope the procedure goes safely as planned and I heal quickly. I hope for the little things that I previously thought were just expected or guaranteed, For example, I hope we get a chance for skin to skin contact after her birth. I hope Im able to spend the time necessary right away to breastfeed. I hope shes able to stay and sleep in the hospital room with us (vs the NICU), and I really hope that we can go home in 2-3 days after delivery. I expected all of these things with Liam, and one by one as each one slipped away, we adapted, we stayed positive, but those moments became that much more important to me. Im so excited to see what her beautiful face looks like. Im so excited to see Justin in his natural element again. So many things to be so unbelievably thankful for. So much happiness to come, and its all just right around the corner!!




Its been SUCH a long road family, friends, and followers! Please keep us in your prayers and your thoughts this upcoming week. We will deeply appreciate it. Thank you all, a million times, for all of your love and ongoing support. Im so excited to share such happy times ahead!!!

Bump Update: Week 36

Week: 36
Baby Size: Large Cantaloupe
Pregnancy Side Effects: LOTS. None to complain about, but plenty to keep me tired and uncomfortable.
Bump Status: Large triangle, square sometimes, usually round.... LOL Quinn moves so much and distorts my stomach so much its crazy to watch.

Currently...
Eating: Cereal, Salads, Cottage Cheese, Chocolate....
Craving: Taco Bell Supreme Tacos... Like, ALL of them...
Drinking: Water, Gatorade
Wearing: Maternity pants and tanks... Whatever's comfortable, Pajamas as early in the day as possible.
Feeling: Good overall, just tired, sore, uncomfortable.
Weather: Weather has been windy, but still on the cooler side. Im loving it!
Wanting: A year long vacation.
Thinking: About going into labor.... When... How.... Etc....
Enjoying: S L E E P. & any time I get with Justin.
Missing: Im in that anxious large stage where youre constantly thinking about getting your "body" back... Lol I cant wait to run and work out again, but that day will come soon enough and by then I wont want to anymore... Lol
Doing: Working, Trying to see a few last movies in theaters before those days are behind us for awhile, and trying to keep up with our family and friends get togethers. The last two months have been so busy.. We did assemble all the baby stuff and our house is officially ready for Quinn!
Looking Forward To: Maternity Leave.....






36 weeks!? How did we get here!? The 36th week is special to me because with Liam, we went into labor at the end of 36 weeks/day one of the 37th week. Ive been praying the Quinn comes when shes fully developed enough to thrive healthily on her own, But Im also (not so secretly) hoping that's in about a week. This week we set up the pack & play, rock & play, and the co-sleeper. All her clothes, sheets, etc are washed. Our hospital bag is backed and ready to go. We are at the stage where we feel fully ready and my hormones are in overdrive. The yearning I feel about being so close to holding our baby girl is just too much. The anticipation to actually mother another living child is consuming. Especially knowing we are so close.


With Liam, I assumed we would go full term, the full 40 weeks or so, especially because the whole pregnancy was textbook normal and going so well. So, when we went into labor after 36 weeks it was completely unexpected. I didn't have time to get really nervous yet, or over analyze everything. I was still just floating on day by day being pregnant. This time around, I know how early it happened last time, so all I can do is compare and wonder every second from here on out if "today is the day". I also never had Braxton hicks contractions, swelling, or aches/pains with Liam like I do with Quinn. I just already feel so anxious about what will happen and how, watching my health very carefully for any warning signs of pre-eclampsia. Im still feeling great overall, there's just more on my mind as the days go by. I feel like im in a constant battle of over analyzing everything that could happen, and reassuring myself that things are out of my hands and to just stay happy in the moment.


Ive also noticed such a different connection with Quinn while pregnant than I did with Liam. I know that this could be because of us losing Liam, and because of everything we went through with trying to get pregnant again. I just feel like I know Quinn so well already, like a glimpse of her personality. Being so familiar with her moves and knowing when shes awake or asleep, counting how many times a day she gets the hiccups (which she has right now), feeling her react to what I eat and drink and recognizing her patterns. I don't remember having all of that with Liam. He was active but less active. But again, I could have just not be as observant. It has created such a strong bond with Quinn though, and is making me that much more anxious to meet her. Then on my other crazy hormonal side, Im terrified for her to be here, and really really content with knowing she is just safe and sound inside me.


So many emotions and so much to be thankful for. Things have still been so happy. Busy, but happy! Every morning I wake up with this belly I couldn't feel more blessed. Please continue to keep us in your prayers these upcoming weeks! We love you all! Thank you!

Bump Update: 32 Weeks

Week: 32
Baby Size: Head of Lettuce
Pregnancy Side Effects: Sleepy all the time,
Bump Status: Bigger and Bigger!

Currently...

Eating: Sunflower seeds, & Salads (with wayyy more ranch than I'd like to admit)...
Craving: Nachos, Café Rio
Drinking: Water and Decaf Iced Black Tea!
Wearing: Maternity pants, Regular tops, etc.
Feeling: Really great still! I had some more ligament pain for a couple days, but besides that, Im just still usually tired, but physically feel great.
Weather: Besides the nasty wind that has still be circling around, its been beautiful weather around the 70s and 80s. Im hoping it lasts for our baby shower this weekend!
Wanting: To do baby laundry, nest, organize, and clean!
Thinking: About our baby shower, and hoping my pregnancy brain hasn't affected much of its plans...
Enjoying: The weather, this big belly, and this sweet baby girl with all of her movements and interactions.
Missing: I really cant think of too much to miss... The things I'd think to miss like wine, caffeine, some of the foods Ive given up for pregnancy I really don't miss because I remember how much I resented having them all the time I was trying so hard to get pregnant.
Doing: Still trying to make enough time for the gym, going on walks, enjoying time with our family and friends.
Looking Forward To: Our baby "sprinkle" this weekend!

Oh how the time has flown! The last two weeks have been so exciting. I've been feeling great, so great, that we opted to take a quick little "baby moon" to California to spend some time at the beach and so some shopping and dreaming at Downtown Disney. We had beautiful weather, great company, and some very memorable moments. We spent time at Newport Beach, had lunch at Ruby's on the pier, built sandcastles and basked in the sun. We also spent a lot of time in the World of Disney store at Downtown Disney looking at baby toys and clothes and picked up a few things for Quinn and her nursery. A wonderful, wonderful getaway.

When we arrived back home, we had an OB appointment during which we got to measure Quinn's growth! Towards the end of the 30th week she was measuring at a healthy 3lb 8oz. We tried to get 3d/4d photos of her but like usual, she loves to hide. This time she had her head turned into my hip and was holding her feet in front of her face with her hands! She had been getting the hiccups every day for over the past week. Liam had only gotten the hiccups once during his pregnancy so I was growing concerned with the frequency she was getting them. Sometimes it would be more than once a day. Against my better judgment I googled and found horror stories of course. I asked our OB during our appointment and he reassured me that all was well, this was actually a great sign and its very common. This made me feel so much better, but I still just feel the natural need to soothe and comfort her when she gets them. I am however so glad that she is progressing so well. I just know that Ill have more scares like this, and will probably overreact, and hope that I will always have the resources and family around me to bring me back to center.

We even found time to make some time to take maternity photos! We didn't take photos like this with Liam, mostly because the typical "maternity shoot" style of photos Im not a big fan of, But after having Liam, I did regret not taking any. I wanted to make sure I did for this pregnancy. My sister was gracious enough to capture some of the most amazing moments for us. She was able to incorporate everything we wanted - everything centered around Quinn of course,  Liam, our pups, this rainbow pregnancy and more.

My birthday was on Easter this year. This was also such a nice time for us. Justin woke me up to a Easter egg hunt throughout the house with the eggs that we dyed the night before. Then he made me breakfast, and we enjoyed the weather and some errands. We had Coldstone Ice Cream for lunch (since my appetite is usually gone by the normal time to eat dessert) and we spent the evening with family for Easter. Quinn decided to be super interactive with everyone that day too. She let everyone feel her moving around, and even played with a flashlight in front of them all. I feel so close to her personality already. This is just such a beautiful time during pregnancy, and Im just so grateful of every moment of it.

April has brought so many good times and blessings to us! Now we await the weekend to celebrate our little girl!! Thank you all for your continued love and support! We love you all!

Bump Update: 26 Weeks

Week: 26
Baby Size: Eggplant and/or a Package of Oreos... lol
Pregnancy Side Effects: I've had less and less side effects lately. Some ankle swelling, and still some pains from sleeping, but the rest have really seemed to let up lately.
Bump Status: Growing and growing! Its crazy to feel her so well sometimes in the front, and other times its so obvious that she's closer towards my spine. She moves around so much!

Currently...
Eating: Cereals, Sweetarts, and anything that sounds delicious.
Craving: Queso, Guacamole, Watermelon....
Drinking: Water, Juicy Juice
Wearing: My first pair of LuLaRoe leggings, maternity jeans, and regular tops.
Feeling:  Moody and hormonal! Im over the moon happy most of the time, but usually 6pm hits and Im tired, and turn grumpy and irritable for the night... Yikes....
Weather: Its warming up! Im really looking forward to the next few weeks of beautiful weather!
Wanting: More free time on the weekends to soak up with weather and the outdoors with my husband and pups.
Thinking: More and more about Quinn's arrival. Thinking about when and how and still absorbing the reality of it all.
Enjoying: Any morning that I get to sleep in... And basking in Quinn's finished nursery.
Missing: My little Liam pie..
Doing: Same old work, gym, crafting, cooking and cleaning..... #adulting
Looking Forward To: April... So many fun festivities in April.




The last two weeks have been so fun and eventful. We finished a long 4+ week stretch of home improvements, cleaning and decorating. My sweetest husband repairs some areas on our roof, completely renovated/organized the garage, repainted all of the ceilings in the house, painted the nursery, hung the artwork to decorate it, and so much more. I was able to deep clean the house in sections, shampooing carpets, organizing closets, throwing ALOT of stuff out, and clean random areas that I didn't even know needed to be cleaned... Its safe to say that my "nesting" is in full swing and I cannot be stopped! BUT - Its at a stopping point now, and our home feels just better than ever with that clean fresh feeling. Its so wonderful. We also had our glucose test last week and I'm so thankful to say that I passed it! We also had another ultrasound that same day and Quinn is doing so great. These appointments seem to be flying by!


The nursery is all ready for baby Quinn. Its crazy to see it look so different, but still holds so many memories and emotions from Liam. Ive really been missing Liam lately. Every milestone with our pregnancy or home or in life in general I just wish he was here to share it all with us. Our lives would be so different in so many ways. Im comforted knowing he's with us and watching over us, but especially with it being March and knowing that he would be turning 3 just really forces things in a different perspective. He's just SO missed.


Now we are finishing up some baby shower planning, and some other festivities in April. I also finally decided on a quilt pattern for Quinn (that took forever!) and can start putting that together soon. I'm really excited to have our family and friends over soon to celebrate her upcoming arrival! It will be such a special day.


As for now, I'm just enjoying each great day I have, really taking advantage of feeling so well especially not knowing how long that will last. We are so grateful that everything has been progressing so well and especially excited to share the next few months with everyone! Thank you all for your never-ending love and support!

20 Weeks Bump Update

Week: 20
Baby Size: Artichoke (about 6.5 inches)
Pregnancy Side Effects: Feeling full, sensitive appetite, sleepy...
Bump Status: We finally have quite the little bump! I can feel her move so much, Justin actually got to feel her on his birthday from the outside!

Currently...Eating: Whatever I can! Monday - Friday we still eat pretty healthy, veggies, etc. I indulge in cravings more on the weekends. My appetite is still hit or miss, so I try to eat what I can (what sounds good) when I can.
Craving: S W E E T S.....
Drinking: Water, Juicy juice, and "maybe" a root beer on the weekend... ;)
Wearing: Jeans, Leggings, hoodies... Im still wearing regular clothes but I did start shopping for maternity jeans because they look much cuter than my regular jeans do at the moment..
Feeling: So very content... So happy to feel her every day and have the reassurance that she's there, and just wiggling around... I love knowing there's two of us, and we just get to spend all our time together now!
Weather: It has been a crazy winter so far... So much rain, and wind, and full overcast days... I love it! But it also makes it way too easy to stay home, under a blanket, on the couch.. My poor pups hate it...
Wanting: Our next ultrasound appointment to go well! Next week we have a cardiologist looking at our little miss, to closely examine her heart, etc. Im really anxious to get such a detailed look at her! Praying for all great news that day!!
Thinking: About everything our near future may hold... Really recently concerned with how to raise a daughter vs a son... And wondering how we can brainwash her to never want electronics and social media over quality time with her super cool parents...
Enjoying: Just overall - being pregnant. Its taken so long to be here again.. Im just so happy for it. So thankful. Its been 20 weeks and it still feels like a such a gift each day.. Its still surreal..
Missing: Queso from Café Rio... and The Bravo sandwich from Panera...
Doing: Working, Exercising, Sleeping, Nursery planning....
Looking Forward To: Painting the nursery and buying things for our little princess!


I just cant believe we are at the half-way mark! Ah how much I LOVE the second trimester! Even though I haven't gotten much energy back yet, I'm so happy to no longer be nauseas or not being able to eat anything! My appetite is still just weird.. But its so much better than it was! Its SO nice to enjoy eating again! I also love the second trimester because I constantly feel little mighty movements from our little girl. Its crazy how in tune with my body I have become since carrying Liam, and going through other pregnancies. I was thankfully able to feel Quinn move so early in my pregnancy. But now shes finally at the strength that Im confident of her kicks and movements. She keeps me company all day with her little "hello's". They always make me smile, and its so wonderful to have something that makes you that happy, that often throughout the day regardless of whatever else may be happening around you. <3


Its been harder to write lately... It started to seem like more of a chore (as in the pressure to keep people updated) instead of a form of therapy for me. It was also hard for me to find a positive point of view to write from while we were still in the earlier stages of pregnancy. It usually takes 90% of my energy to keep my self convinced that everything is okay, and will be okay, so writing that down for others just went in some different directions. I noticed it wasn't from the heart, because I was too scared to be too honest. This whole process has so many fears that are so real, and so heavy, I just wanted to keep my head down and keep moving forward... To "get through it" while being thankful and optimistically enjoying the process... That by itself was too much. So I decided to scale back until it felt right and real again. So here we are!


Justin and I took the leap this past weekend to clear out Liam's nursery. I loved his nursery SO much and had so many expectations of experiences we would have in that room. It was really hard to take down. The sentiment that was in each toy he never played with, sheets that never needed to be washed or changed, diapers that were still waiting to be used, wipes that were dried out, and clothes that he never grew into.... These things had already been processed and accepted.. But it was still so hard to pack it away. I was hoping he had more unisex cloths that we could have his sister wear, but it didn't really work out that way. I did find some of his clothes, shoes, and toys that would be perfect to pass on to his sister. That gave me so much joy. We want her to always know she has a big brother in heaven, an angel, watching over her. We don't know how soon to go into his full story, or how soon it will be necessary to, but we want her to be surrounded by him as much as we are, as a family. Im really happy for the things of his that I can use for her. Im happy that the room that we will bring Quinn home to one day will be the same room I nursed and cared for her brother in -same walls, same rocker, same crib.... I hope these things will bring comfort and peace in with the other waves of emotion that I know will keep coming.


Another thing that's been on my mind is raising a girl vs raising a boy. With Liam I just assumed we were in for a roller coaster of parenthood.... He was a boy! He would bring me bugs, be rough but sweet at the same time, he would see how well his Dad treated his mom and see what a great male role model looked like, we could have looser reigns on what he did, and I loved the bond that I feel all boys just have with their mothers - forever... But a daughter!? I thought we would have Liam as a baseline... and could learn from our mistakes and triumphs with him, how to adjust for her... (Because parenting is clearly this easy right....? What do we know... lol) But with a girl.... Oye... Some of the relationships I know between mother and daughter.... Eekk.. Not to mention my own relationship with my mother... EEEEEKKKKKKkkk... I mean, we are at a much better place now, but growing up, the teen years... YIKES. Its terrifying. Now I have all these new fears of my daughter even liking me when she's older! I did not have this worry with Liam... I was his mom... Boys love their moms! Something else that started weighing on me more was wondering how to raise her knowing her self worth and ensuring she is confident with herself and her view of beauty. Especially in a world and specifically a city that well... has sex plastered everywhere. Now I feel all this pressure of making sure she grows up loving her self , understanding what real beauty, kindness, respect, and self esteem is and should be despite what is around you. How can I already want SO many things for a tiny artichoke sized miracle baby? Im sure this is what every parent thinks and Im telling myself to stay calm and take things day by day. But some times this racing mind of mine just takes off and all of a sudden Im overwhelmed with how to do any of this... I had different fears but still fears with Liam and how to raise him. I think that not getting to see any of that through for him makes it hard to envision with Quinn. But, how much does anybody know? We all just try our best to be our best for our kids and families.


Im so excited to be where we are today. Im really excited to begin this new adventure. Im completely happy with being pregnant right now. So incredibly thankful for the opportunity at all. Thank you all for listening to my hormonal ramblings! Thanks for supporting and loving us through this journey. I hope I have many MANY happy updates to continue to share!

Round Two: Stimulation Injections

The On April 30th we began stimulation shots. This part of the process is designed to help the ovaries to make enough follicles and eggs using mediation. Without stimulating medications, the ovaries make and release only 1 mature egg per cycle. The goal here is to have several follicles grow so multiple eggs can be retrieved at one time. Ive listed the protocol for both rounds to compare.

Round 1 -

Stims Day 1-3 ~ Gonal F 175 & Menopur 75

Stims Day 4-6 ~ Gonal F 100 & Menopur 75

Stims Day 7-8 ~ Gonal F 100, Menopur 75, Cetrotite 0.25mg

Stims Day 9 ~ Trigger Shot Pregnyl

Day 10 ~ No Shots!  Oral Pills Zithromax, and Fluconazole.

Day 11 ~ Retrieval Day! (Retrieved 16 eggs, 11 were mature, 9 fertilized and 7 made it to day 5 blastocyst. Unfortunately only one was normal and nonaffected after PGD/PGS testing and resulted in a BFN after transfer.)

Round 2 -

Stims Day 1-5 ~ Gonal F 125 & Menopur 75

Stims Day 6-8 ~ Gonal F 125, Menopur 75, Cetrotite 0.25mg

Stims Day 9 ~  Gonal F 200, Cetrotite 0.25mg (this was only because I was out of Menopur and my coordinator said this would work the same) 

Stims Day 10 ~ Trigger Shot Ovidrel

Day 11 ~ No Shots!  Oral Pills Zithromax, and Fluconazole.

Day 12 ~ Retrieval Day! (Retrieved 32 Eggs, 22 were mature, 20 fertilized, and 16 made it to day five blastocysts)

Its hard to explain how differently these two rounds of stimming have been. I injected in my legs both times. Iced the injection site first, then Justin administered my shots. Menopur burns regardless, but the actual shots turn into a simple chore and I get a super cute Bandaid as a reward for. The first round I was so nervous and anxious and could not stop researching everything. I was eating well but added more sodium, stopped drinking completely, cut all caffeine and worked out lightly after the first 3 days. This time, it was just different. I was calmer, less anxious and knew what to expect. I had a glass of wine the night before we stated and once during. I had my usual cup of coffee in the morning. Drank ALOT of water. I worked out lightly after three days (that's when you can usually start to feel the bloating and they advise against anything extraneous). I still ate well but added more sodium as directed.

I felt well during the week of stims until around the end I was more and more losing my appetite. After retrieval I immediately gained 5lbs (that day!) and the insane bloating began to set in. It was much more painful this time and still took about a week to heal. My doctor did tell me that its worse depending on the higher number of eggs retrieved, but hey, it was worth it! Im also REALLY glad this part is over.

Now we wait the two weeks to find out how many of the little embies are healthy and unaffected by our disorder. Then the real fun begins!

I am so unbelievably thankful that we had such a successful stim round. I wish I knew who or what to give credit to from a protocol perspective. Im just so thankful that we were so blessed. Im really thankful for those we have in out life that are with us through this journey. Im also really happy and Justin and I are dedicating time to form our own opinions within our faith and God together. I know personally this has made me feel much better. Everything has been happy lately. Im beyond appreciative for everyone's prayers and support. I really really hope and pray that we continue to have happy news to share!

IVF - Round Two Begins

Our first round of IVF failed in January. Typically when this happens the next step would be to transfer another embryo. Since we only had the one to transfer from our last round, that wasn't an option for us. We would have to start all over. I was so completely physically and mentally exhausted and was already pushing myself too far with everything in general. In February I made a choice to delay beginning a new round for a month or so to focus on myself. I made a plan and am proud to say that I was able to see it all through. Ironically, I took more on, which I debated if it was the right choice or not since it seemed contradictory. I'm so glad that I did, I'm even more proud that I saw it through.


Getting a new boxer puppy was one of the first decisions we made. There have been more than a few times that I seconded guessed if this was a good choice or not. I mean, another puppy?! While our house is currently inhabited by two perfect pups who are quiet and listen and need zero supervision? In a weird way, I wanted the chaos. Our house being so still and quiet is exactly what gets to me sometimes because we should have a crazy 2 year old running around and possibly another sibling. The silence hurts sometimes, but to change it with a puppy who cant be trusted and immediately tries to chew on the stone of your fireplace, swallow rocks, and is peeing in the house....... Uh... What did we do!? We've had her for 9 weeks now and honestly could not be more proud of how smart and obedient she already is. She was potty trained fully within two weeks. She can already be left out of a kennel, and knows basic commands (Sit, Stay, Lay Down, and Shake).  I'm really looking forward to taking her out for walks, hiking, camping, etc. I feel like we've all been on house arrest because she's still waiting on a final round of shots before she can leave the house. I love the energy she brought to our home. I love the puppy she brings out of Cassius (our older boxer). I love how different she is from our other two pups. I'm so happy about our new little lady Laila. :) She was absolutely the breath of fresh air we needed.
                                  



Apparently because I like torture, I signed up for the RAW Fitness Challenge 6 week fitness program to lose some of the extra weight from our last round. It was 6 solid weeks of a very strict meal plan (No drinking, no dairy [Ugh, no ICE CREAM? Or milk for my daily coffee!?] limited carbs, and no cheat meals. I was being very very "hangry" during this time, Justin was such a trooper dealing with me. It was hard to spend so much time cooking, prepping, dishes, eating on a strict schedule every three hours and planning our days around it. Oh how I missed our weekends of date night dinners. It also required at least 4 days of their boot camp workouts. I went five days, and started adding in 40 minutes of cardio following the boot camp and even a few Saturdays! Who am I, right!? And again, Why do I choose to take more on!? BUT - I DID IT. I lost the 20 lbs and was fully reimbursed cost wise for program because I met the goal. I cannot tell you how emotional I was. To work so hard for something that ACTUALLY paid off... I needed that so much. I felt so empowered, strong and proud.


My birthday month is April. The fitness challenge finished the week before my birthday. We made plans to get away. We used to always have so many camping trips, California vacations, Disneyland experiences, and more. With the financial burden of IVF, that was all pretty much non existent. We made the decision to plan a cheap, simple quick trip to California to visit the newly opened Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios Hollywood and to visit a few beaches in the area. It was SO nice to have a blocked amount of time to not have any responsibilities, stress, protocols, schedules or worries. The trip was amazing. We got to stroll around the village shops of Hogsmeade like children, roam the Hogwarts™ castle, drink butterbeer, eat gourmet food, and goof around. We watched The Jungle Book opening night at City Walk while binging on popcorn and lemon heads from Honeydukes. We played bocce ball on the sands of Huntington Beach. We searched for marine life in the tide pools of Little Corona. We visited Downtown Disney to dine at ESPN zone and simply inhale the magical air (a must).
                              
                               




Everything was ignorantly perfect. All of our baby making stress was on hold. Our plan was to begin the second round when we returned home. I was on a plan to begin birth control so they could monitor my cycle to start stim shots with the following cycle. Imagine my surprise when I get a call (while on vacation) that I was to start two medications that same day. Well, that escalated quickly, and so much for being stress free!


All this time I've been putting off preparing mentally to go into another whole round. All the waiting, and hormones, and shots, and restrictions, and wondering and waiting for test results, and just all of it.... Now we are on our last day of paradise and its like nope, IVF time! I'm not sure why my protocol was changed, but it sure did speed things up! But, as of my birthday, we officially started round two. I'm currently on  Estrace and Aygestin twice a day for a little over a week, and will start injections late next week or so. I am so beyond thankful that I have a different insurance this round that will help with over 60% of costs. I'm so glad to be at such a better, healthier place physically and weight wise. I'm so happy to have had a break to feel like myself again and enjoy time with my husband feeling carefree. I'm sure this wont be easy, but I hope this round is at the least, successful. I feel less anxious and stressed (most of the time) about it. I just hope the calmness lasts. So, here goes, Round Two (and most likely our last) of IVF with PGD. Wish us all the luck!

Our FET Day!

Well! After what feels like years have passed since we started this process, the time was finally here for our IVF Transfer! I was ordered to start two forms of progesterone 5 days before our scheduled FET and had a steroid 4 days leading up to the FET. I was, and currently am still on estrogen three times a day, on an estrogen patch, taking prenatals and baby aspirin, and now two different forms of progesterone (cream and PIO injection). HORMONE OVERLOAD. Overall I've been feeling fine, and really, really looking forward to transfer.

With all of the preparations for this process, I think I expected more out of it. We arrived to Sunset Surgery Center (associated with Red Rock Fertility) a little earlier than my appointment time. I was immediately given a gown, robe, and hair net and asked to wait with Justin in the procedure room. We sat there for maybe 20 minutes or so in what felt like 100 degree heat, which freaked me out because usually surgery rooms are cold.... I assumed it had something to do with the embryo, its temperature, and the process. Nurses were coming in and out preparing everything. Eventually I was laid back and strapped in. They also require a full bladder for the process, which I was prepared for, but I was not prepared to have this full bladder, and then wait 20 additional minutes before the process. Eventually they wheeled in this NICU incubator thing, that contained our embryo. They were able to zoom in 100x to get a clear picture of her. When the process actually started, I was beyond uncomfortably full. The process itself was very similar to a regular OBGYN exam for a woman. They took the embryo out of the incubator and used tools to place her inside of me. It took maybe less than 5 minutes tops. I was awake the entire time and it was completely painless besides the full bladder. They asked me to sit and wait, for an additional 10-15 minutes without moving, sneezing, stressing or laughing. Which, I mean, I'm usually doing ONE of those things... Lol And not to mention, now I had to PEE SO SO BADLY and now the only thing I can think about is how badly I had to pee and all my fears of peeing out this little precious embryo we just spent months on to implant. Obviously, the science behind the fact that the embryo was placed in my uterus and my bladder has nothing to do with that, should have reassured me, but its all I could think about... So, after laying there, in silence, resting we were finally told to go home and rest. I was on bed rest for that entire day, and pretty close to bed rest for the next two days. After the two days, I could go back to normal activity, but no exercise, stress, running, or heavy lifting. Those were my instructions for the next two weeks. I'm still on all the medication as before.

I feel completely normal. I don't have any symptoms. The symptoms I convince myself I do have could also be explained by all of the medication. There's no way of knowing if she is sticking. There's no indication of anything really. Its waiting alone, in the dark, for two very long weeks clinging on to the hope that this little girl will hang on and be ours forever. No pressure.

Wishing us all faith, trust and baby dust! Until next time. <3

The Light

I used to be a very firm believer in obliviousness, faith, & positivity.

I didn’t need to know the ins and outs of everything or anything to believe in it. If I wanted to believe in God or heaven I did. I didn’t need to understand it all. I could be oblivious to some of the details and that was fine with me. I would tell myself that my loved ones that had passed can hear me when I talk to them through my thoughts. Is this true? It didn’t matter, because it comforted me, and that’s all I needed. I didn’t stress about life for the most part because I truly felt that my life was laid out before me, and I was to live and enjoy it. I had no control over it, and that was okay. I had faith that everything happens for a reason and I didn’t need to know what the reasons were. I just knew that I learned from living and focused on bettering my future by learning from the mistakes of my past. Someone always has it worse than you do. Always. I was thankful for all that I DID have. I will never be the "best", but I was not the worst either. I counted and focused on my blessings instead of complaints. I focused and reflected on myself instead of comparing myself. I was positive.

After losing Liam everyone had these positive thoughts and advice for me. I told myself I would be open to them, but I was not. Even if they said they saw something for Liam, I would smile and agree, but I would think to myself "No you didn’t, you just saw something and told yourself it was for Liam". Or I would see a sunset and think, wow, that’s from Liam. Then I would rebuttal myself and say "No its not. It’s just a sunset. It happens every day regardless of the meaning you put to it". Even my previously favorite phrase "Everything happens for a reason" would end on a sarcastic negative note. Or when people say “I know Liam’s looking down on you" all I think about is that what if he can and is - He can’t possibly understand? How am I supposed to reason with the fact that a two month old is "looking down" and "smiling" on us with all this hope and wisdom when I should be holding and looking down upon him. Even those who are thinking of our future with a rainbow baby I cannot be pure and positive about. Because even though it’s a different situation entirely, Liam WAS my rainbow baby in my eyes. Even though I didn’t get to experience it in full, my first pregnancy was still my first. We had Liam because I miscarried.

I know how terrible it all sounds. And I dont want anyone to take it personally. Im so happy if you are in a good enought place to see these things. Im working on being there too. I my negativity is ugly. I know it’s not right. I AM SO THANKFUL for everyone’s kind words and advice. This is not intended to make anyone feel bad for trying to comfort us. If it weren’t for the kind words I would not know how much worse I would feel or if I would even notice it at all. If others didn’t encourage me to hope and have faith it may have taken even longer for me to be open to it. I have more reasons than just what has been communicated so far to be bitter about. And believe me, I am. I have many more reasons to be mad. But that doesn’t mean I have to be. I am exhausted from the anger.

Today however, I realized that I have not been truly trying. I have allowed myself to be numb to cope. I have been trying to not let the negative overcome me, but I have not truly been open to the positive things. I have been resistant because of the bitterness and anger. Maybe I don’t want it to be okay or positive because to me that seems like accepting it. Regardless, something needs to change.
Another of my favorite quotes - The serenity prayer -

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

I need to be better. I need to stop torturing myself because I’m bitter. I need to be open to the positive things in life again. I know my innocence will never return, but I will not suffer more than I should for something that is out of my control.

So. I’m going to focus on trying. Make myself end the negative thoughts that are making things worse. I am not a negative person. I will not be this irritable wife with no patience left for the second half of the day because I let a million other things weigh me down during the day. I will not ignore my faithful puppies because I don’t 'feel' like paying attention to them. I won’t be in a bad mood during the only time that I do get to spend with my husband during the evenings. I will try not to be bitter to my friends and family because of my own demons. I am better than this. I would rather be sad than angry. And if Liam is looking down on us today, which I can believe he is, I believe he would rather see me smile back up to him instead of hiding.

 I will embrace the things that remind me more of him. I see him in things that fly, I see him in the sky. When there is a single bird in flight I will smile instead of roll my eyes. When there is a beautiful setting of clouds, sun rays or sunset color I will smile instead of look away. When I see a stranger wearing a superhero t-shirt I will be proud instead of angry that its 'trendy'. When I see a rainbow I will see hope for our future within it. I’ll remember a rainbow doesn’t mean the storm is over, but can still represent beauty, positivity, and light. I am proud of everyone also being so open about seeing him or feeling him. I’m thankful to know he is so loved and remembered.