The Light

I used to be a very firm believer in obliviousness, faith, & positivity.

I didn’t need to know the ins and outs of everything or anything to believe in it. If I wanted to believe in God or heaven I did. I didn’t need to understand it all. I could be oblivious to some of the details and that was fine with me. I would tell myself that my loved ones that had passed can hear me when I talk to them through my thoughts. Is this true? It didn’t matter, because it comforted me, and that’s all I needed. I didn’t stress about life for the most part because I truly felt that my life was laid out before me, and I was to live and enjoy it. I had no control over it, and that was okay. I had faith that everything happens for a reason and I didn’t need to know what the reasons were. I just knew that I learned from living and focused on bettering my future by learning from the mistakes of my past. Someone always has it worse than you do. Always. I was thankful for all that I DID have. I will never be the "best", but I was not the worst either. I counted and focused on my blessings instead of complaints. I focused and reflected on myself instead of comparing myself. I was positive.

After losing Liam everyone had these positive thoughts and advice for me. I told myself I would be open to them, but I was not. Even if they said they saw something for Liam, I would smile and agree, but I would think to myself "No you didn’t, you just saw something and told yourself it was for Liam". Or I would see a sunset and think, wow, that’s from Liam. Then I would rebuttal myself and say "No its not. It’s just a sunset. It happens every day regardless of the meaning you put to it". Even my previously favorite phrase "Everything happens for a reason" would end on a sarcastic negative note. Or when people say “I know Liam’s looking down on you" all I think about is that what if he can and is - He can’t possibly understand? How am I supposed to reason with the fact that a two month old is "looking down" and "smiling" on us with all this hope and wisdom when I should be holding and looking down upon him. Even those who are thinking of our future with a rainbow baby I cannot be pure and positive about. Because even though it’s a different situation entirely, Liam WAS my rainbow baby in my eyes. Even though I didn’t get to experience it in full, my first pregnancy was still my first. We had Liam because I miscarried.

I know how terrible it all sounds. And I dont want anyone to take it personally. Im so happy if you are in a good enought place to see these things. Im working on being there too. I my negativity is ugly. I know it’s not right. I AM SO THANKFUL for everyone’s kind words and advice. This is not intended to make anyone feel bad for trying to comfort us. If it weren’t for the kind words I would not know how much worse I would feel or if I would even notice it at all. If others didn’t encourage me to hope and have faith it may have taken even longer for me to be open to it. I have more reasons than just what has been communicated so far to be bitter about. And believe me, I am. I have many more reasons to be mad. But that doesn’t mean I have to be. I am exhausted from the anger.

Today however, I realized that I have not been truly trying. I have allowed myself to be numb to cope. I have been trying to not let the negative overcome me, but I have not truly been open to the positive things. I have been resistant because of the bitterness and anger. Maybe I don’t want it to be okay or positive because to me that seems like accepting it. Regardless, something needs to change.
Another of my favorite quotes - The serenity prayer -

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

I need to be better. I need to stop torturing myself because I’m bitter. I need to be open to the positive things in life again. I know my innocence will never return, but I will not suffer more than I should for something that is out of my control.

So. I’m going to focus on trying. Make myself end the negative thoughts that are making things worse. I am not a negative person. I will not be this irritable wife with no patience left for the second half of the day because I let a million other things weigh me down during the day. I will not ignore my faithful puppies because I don’t 'feel' like paying attention to them. I won’t be in a bad mood during the only time that I do get to spend with my husband during the evenings. I will try not to be bitter to my friends and family because of my own demons. I am better than this. I would rather be sad than angry. And if Liam is looking down on us today, which I can believe he is, I believe he would rather see me smile back up to him instead of hiding.

 I will embrace the things that remind me more of him. I see him in things that fly, I see him in the sky. When there is a single bird in flight I will smile instead of roll my eyes. When there is a beautiful setting of clouds, sun rays or sunset color I will smile instead of look away. When I see a stranger wearing a superhero t-shirt I will be proud instead of angry that its 'trendy'. When I see a rainbow I will see hope for our future within it. I’ll remember a rainbow doesn’t mean the storm is over, but can still represent beauty, positivity, and light. I am proud of everyone also being so open about seeing him or feeling him. I’m thankful to know he is so loved and remembered.