The "Announcement" I wish I never had to make...

I hoped this would be a happy pregnancy announcement. Unfortunately, it simply is not. Regardless, I wanted to share an update on our story, our journey, and our last few months.


After our most recent miscarriage in January, and more months of trying, patience, trusting, hoping, counting, praying, and peeing on sticks, we finally had another positive pregnancy test in April. Pregnant again! Possibility swarmed us and we were thankful for each day of symptoms and signs that the first trimester was going along smoothly. Each ultrasound presented perfection. This little baby bean wiggled more than Liam ever did which made me even more optimistic of this pregnancy. I had crazy insane dreams nightly of everything from vacations with the Kardasians to adventurous escapes from floods and volcanoes with mythical creatures. I continuously sneezed, had heartburn, and many of the other fun early symptoms.


Due to my and Justin's genetic history, we opted to have this pregnancy tested for IIAC / GACI since we have a 25% chance of each pregnancy inheriting it. After the test is preformed it takes up to 5 weeks to grow the sample needed from the cells and get results. The first round of results came in around 3 weeks which included the normal chromosomal tests to screen for more common disorders such as down syndrome, Trisomy's, etc. This baby was cleared from all of that AND they knew the sex! We are to expect another little boy!


Two weeks ago, At 14 weeks and 3 days along our genetic counselor called us with the rest of the results.


Disbelief struck again.


This baby also has the exact same chromosomal duplications and deletions as his big brother had. This one too, has IIAC. Unbelievable. Absolutely the worst odds and luck I could ever imagine. This is the reason I kept the pregnancy quiet. I couldn't bear giving everyone such happy news only to let the stress of the situation set in later. I couldn't handle the thought of everyone reassuring me that everything will work out this time and be okay when it was already taking every part of me to stay positive. I feel the pressure of them feeling the pressure to reassure me would just make me be more resistant. I know this can sound like an oxymoron but it was hard enough for me to accept the possibility of the reality on my own without the added "everything's going to be great this time I just know it" from other people, when we all know that not a single person in this world could guarantee such a thing no matter how kind the gesture. I also didn't want everyone that I love and care about to carry the same burden of hope and excitement coated with constant fear, stress, and anxiety day by day while awaiting the results with us. I know that family and friends hearing about it now, without a warning will also be a tough blow, but I see it as one day of suffering vs 14 weeks of it to lead to the same result.


We discussed our options before we started trying again after Liam. The odds were favorable that we would have a healthy baby (75%!) As far as genetic conditions go, that's pretty close to the best odds you can get! We were optimistic. We also agreed that we would test each baby so we would know what to expect, and if the baby had the condition we would not go through with the pregnancy. This was a lot easier said than done, not that it was even easy to say in the first place.


Now that we are actually facing it, it brought on a lot of desperation, research, discussion, tears, and realizations. There is no "beating" this disease. It attacks and destroys your major arteries. If we were even lucky enough to birth this child, his chances of life were too slim. And by chances I mean a life of medical complications, ongoing and constant developing cardiac and bone conditions (not to mention the many other conditions that would arise or how painful it would all constantly be), and would be faced with daily medication for, well, forever. And that's if we were that lucky. It wasn't a life we would want for our child. It's too rare to have enough facts around and any "progress" that's been made in history to date, is still experimental. After very thoroughly considering ever bit of every scenario, outcome, and fact, we decided, together, we were unable to move forward with the pregnancy any longer. We had to go through with one of the hardest decisions I believe we have ever been faced with. I cant explain what this felt like or how hard it was. There's no way to express it.


 I will never try naturally again. I see now how stupid and irresponsible it was to try that way in the beginning at all just leaning on faith. I was just really really hoping that if we stayed strong through everything already this far, that we would be the 75% of having an unaffected, healthy baby. It would be our fate. I thought we were remaining faithful and hopeful and it was the logical thing to do vs the rash decision of IVF (which gives you less than a 50% chance of even having a successful pregnancy resulting in the birth of a child).  I had no idea we would be so wrong and it would be so painful or that I would have already been 15 weeks along.


So I ask again for everyone not to judge. This was hard enough on us without having to hear everyone else's assumed course of preferred action. I understand that other people in other situations may have taken a different course. There were many times that I said, forget it, I'm going through with it before rereading the facts of that reality. Its not something Justin and I can chose to go into knowingly to endure or force any innocent child to have to endure. I understand that some of you will not understand. That's fine. You don't have to agree with us. This is what we felt was best for this child, to save him. I will not regret this decision but Ill never be happy for it either. I also will never put us in a position to be in this situation again.


As for our future, when or if we can try again, we will hopefully be pursuing IVF with PGD. IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) with PGD (Preimplantation genetic diagnosis) is a process of fertilization by manually combining an egg and sperm in a lab, and then transferring the embryo to the uterus. The only difference is with PGD, they can diagnose a genetic disease in early embryos prior to implantation and pregnancy. Basically they would test the embryos for the disease and only transfer healthy non affected eggs for a hope of implantation and pregnancy. The success rate for an actual pregnancy resulting in live birth is less than our original chances of trying naturally and having an unaffected child (75% vs <50%). This is why we tried naturally to begin with, but as you can see, that wasn't meant to be either.


Justin and I are overall just sad. There's not really another way I know how to put it. Every day more and more of my family and friends are moving forward in their lives, getting married, starting families, and growing together. Even the other mothers of loss I stay in touch with are getting their rainbow babies. As beautiful and inspiring as this is, its just bittersweet for me. I feel we have just been standing still for years. We try to see things as positive as we can. We focus on doing things for us and enjoying our time with each other, family and friends instead of being bitter about the things we are missing out on. I'm happy, for all of the things I have been blessed with in life, and most of all, for my husband, for so many reasons.  I know I have been quiet and distant for awhile. I wanted  to share this with everyone, we just needed some time to grasp it ourselves first. Thank you everyone for your continued prayers, support, and thoughts. We love you all.