The Silence

I typically make an effort to publish one new blog post a month. This way I'm not over doing it with every rant or point of view that comes over me, and I keep a solid pattern of publishing. Lately I've just been silenced. I seems like we've been in a very quiet waiting period for some time now. We have been trying to get pregnant, for months now. This alone makes me feel pressured and anxious. I feel its easiest to deal with the pressure and stress by using distractions and not focusing directly on an obstacle that I have no control over. This results in me being quiet. I guess I don't know any other way to put it. I'm scared to be overly happy because when things don't work out you end up feeling ridiculously stupid. (Crazy, I know.... But its true). I don't want to be negative either because its just not how I want to be. I'm holding on to my faith with the strongest thread I can manage. In efforts to hold everything together, I'm hesitant to express myself, until I know exactly what I'm trying to express and then it results in this, a bunch of random babble. So.... I guess Ill write on an update about myself. 
 

I recently have began been volunteering at Sunrise Children's Hospital on their pediatric floors. I've had a hard time with obviously not having Liam around. Especially during his first year and now. I notice that keeping this bottled up causes me to resent others and their kids. This makes me feel like an awful person and its not productive. When I'm with friends and family, and there are other babies around, I always have the urge to hold, love and play with them, but I hate how I feel that people are watching sympathetically. I feel like I can feel their sorrow for me, and for them to watch me hold another baby is almost as difficult for them to see as it is for me to do. This makes me also feel a lot of pressure and most of the time prevents me from going through with it. I thought a lot about how to get my maternal side OUT and embrace it on my terms without the pressure of anyone else. I looked into baby cuddling programs and realized the next best thing would be to volunteer. I go once a week and play with all the kiddos that are feeling up to it. I can read to them, play games, color, watch movies, and more. When the babies are admitted I can spend time with them too. When I walk around the hospital everyone sees a volunteer instead of a sad mourning mom who is without her son. This helps create a completely judgment free safe place for me. It takes the pressure off, and I get to be a friend to all these amazing kids who brighten my day, and in return I get to try and brighten theirs. Its been very good for me and I'm glad that I'm part of their team. 
 

I think about Liam - so often, there's not a way to explain it. He's in my thoughts subliminally, he's constantly a part of my thought process. He's always in the background of my mind during my day to day when I'm not directly reminiscing the memories I have of him. I surround myself with him. Even though now it feels more normal for him to not be physically here with me, I feel as if he's always with me. I hate that it feels normal again to not have a child with me everyday. It naturally makes me feel guilty, even though I know there's no reason for it.


Mothers Day was a tough one as expected. Everyone was very nice and considerate and told me "Happy Mothers Day" and gave gifts and flowers and more. It was very kind. Its just difficult because I know I gave birth to a son, I know technically I'm a mother - It just doesn't feel that way when your day to day life is still in its "Only me and Justin" phase. I only played that part for about a month. Now I get a full nights sleep every night. I wake up and give myself about 20 minutes to get dressed and ready for work. I eat at my own leisure. We leave the house in 5 minutes to run errands. We go out and stay up too late, then sleep in the following day. We sit on the couch and watch movies, uninterrupted. We do laundry about twice a month. None of these things are typical for a mother. I know my story is different. I know its not the same. I just would trade all those things to have the day to day of an active mother. The frustrations, the breakdowns, the constant tired eyes, the schedule, the chaos and all of he memories that come along with. I almost feel that its a holiday that I haven't yet earned. And I know..... THAT'S CRAZY. Its just what makes it bittersweet.

I am so thankful for the mothers day that I did get to spend with Liam. We drove to my Nana's house, and spent time with my mother, sister, cousins, and grandparents. My cousin got to feed him. Everyone got to hold and cuddle him. Then to make the day most memorable, my son blasted poo out of his diaper, with the funniest grunt, all over my leg. That..... That was a true mothers day.

That's it for my mini update. We are still here, still kicking, still figuring things out. We are constantly running around visiting family and friends for birthdays, graduations, celebrations, and more while also making time for ourselves. This year marks 3 years married and 10 together for us. :) Thank you to everyone for always thinking of us.

The First Birthday

"One year ago today I gave birth to" is such a common start for most moms to boast about on their child's first birthday. Its usually followed by "I cant believe how fast it went by" and "where has the time gone" and hits on the most memorable milestones and heartfelt memories that took place in the past year. I've said it a million times, but oh the plans I had for this first year. His first birthday would have most definitely been a Disney or Superhero one. I would have wasted so much time on all of the meaningless details to make it as colorful and fun and loud as it could have been. I would have mailed handmade invitations, hosted little ball pits for all of the babies there, and had the best messiest cake I could have found for him to make a mess of. These are just a few of the visions I had.


Instead I'm blissfully reflecting on the fact that an entire year ago, I gave birth to my son. I woke up that morning, let my boss know that I would be working from home because I was not feeling well. I actually was just having cramps but they were painful and I didn't want to drive across town. Little did I know that these cramps were contractions and that I would be meeting our little man in just a matter of hours a month just short of a month before he was due. One year ago today Liam James Schlosser was born.

In the first few months after his passing, it was hard to be around other newborns or even pregnant women in general. It was hard to hear a newborn cry. After time, this eased. Its still a soft spot that I usually have to mentally prepare for but it has gotten easier, and its actually very comforting at times. I have watched my friends and family's babies grow. I have watched my own nephews grow. Grow past the infant stage, start eating solid food, crawl, smile, babble and was followed by their first words, first steps and more. Grow to throwing and catching balls, riding bikes, and talking back! I have watched my nieces grow in school, grow taller, pursue drawing and other talents they have. Not to mention all of my cousins that I have watched grow. I always wondered what Liam would have been doing. I wonder how he would have been interacting with all these other children that he should have grown up with. I'm not sure at which point I stopped imagining him growing. Suddenly, it was toddlers that were hard to look at, hard to hear, and hard to be around. I didn't expect it but it hurts more not just not knowing what he would be doing, but not even being able to envision what he would look like. I feel like all his memories were just frozen in time and he's just this little two month old baby forever. I was still thinking of him this way for months. Maybe I will forever. I just cant believe he would have been a year today. I wonder what he would look like. I wonder what his favorite toys would be. I wonder where we would be as a family. I wonder what mistakes we would have made. I wonder what would have been our favorite parts. Or the hardest. I wonder how we would have made things work.


Its almost like I'm missing him from the very beginning all over again erasing all of the progress I have made with my grief over the months. Almost every part of it hurts all over again. Every part of him, missing him and the thought of him. I know this has to be normal, I know I will be okay. I know Ill get through this. I know Liam's looking down at all of the remembrances that are being done in his honor today and will smile knowing how many are thinking of him. I know he's in the most beautiful place in existence. I'm positive that he is pain free, healthy, and happy. I'm happy for that. Its just the never-ending missing him. It's just sad. It just hurts. Today will forever be an especially hard day each year. I accept it.


I think this first year sets the bar for the hardest of hard years. Justin and I survived hand in hand, stronger, more patient, and understanding than we have ever been.  I want to continue to rebuild myself and heal. I want to continue to grow and find ways to embrace and remember Liam in the most positive ways possible. I want to be the best person I can be for him. I want to do wonderful things in his name. I just hope he continues to hold my soul extra close to his.

Happy Birthday little baby boy. I hope you know how much you are loved by so many. I hope you know the influence you left on this world. I hope you continue to find ways to inspire all of those who knew you and those who were touched by your story. I hope you enjoy your balloons. We love you punkin pie. Happy 1st Birthday. 

The Crazy

Crazy
cra•zy/ˈkrāzē/
adjective
1.mentally deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way.
2.extremely enthusiastic.
3.(of an angle) appearing absurdly out of place or in an unlikely position.


I have never in my entire life - felt - so - CRAZY. I know its normal for everything that I have went through in the last year, but I hate to think that that's an excuse! Its not how I want to be. I focus on rationalizing. I focus on finding a perspective to wrap my head around to help cope and move forward. I focus on the happy and beautiful things. I focus on the small things. No matter how much I "focus" lately, I sometimes just feel so absolutely unstable and crazy. This is new, and its so uncomfortable.


I'm used to the feeling of being stressed, or pressured, or just grumpy sometimes, sure. Lately however, I can just be walking along, feeling fine and see something so random that will set me into a crazed angry downward spiral that nothing can pull me out of and that I (at the time) don't necessarily care to be saved from. Not just baby or pregnancy things either, but mostly simple stupid things like road rage, long lines, spilling my coffee, or the general public.


I get angry when I see people who are acting grumpy, angry, or ungrateful. My irrational reasoning is "what the hell do you have to be so unhappy about". In reality, I'm mad that I'm the one walking around angry.  I get angry when I see people that are happy. My irrational reasoning is "It must be nice to just have everything and just to be so giggly happy all the time". In reality, I'm just so envious of their carefree moment of happiness. I get angry when I see pregnant people who appear to be so agitated about being pregnant. My irrational reasoning is "you have no idea what you're taking for granted". In reality, I'm so sorry I took a single second of my pregnancy for granted thinking it was the easy part I just had to get through. I get angry sometimes when people talk to me about their problems. My irrational reasoning is "Do something about it to fix it because at least you can".  In reality, I'm not one to judge, and I'm just upset about bottling all of my own problems and emotions inside unable to get the support or comforting words that I want to hear. Instead I'm stuck in a situation that I cannot fix and have no control over. Bottom line - I'm just bitter and throwing a tantrum about it.


I'm so ashamed of how much control my emotions have over me these days. Some days have definitely gotten easier. I even have lots of days where it feels like everything is okay and I'm beaming happiness and positivity. These are the days I feel closest to Liam in the most content and peaceful way. Other times, all of the sadness and anger comes back and I cant see past the fact that Liam should be here, but, he's not and it hurts and I ache. Its all downward from there. The fact that I even have these terrible angry ugly thoughts on my bad days just eats away at my conscience and I feel like the worst person. I would never act out or take these things out on innocent people.  I just wish I didn't have these feelings at all. The fact that I argue with myself daily about it makes me feel like a legitimate crazy person. After I get angry about whatever stupid reason its immediately followed by this huge weight of guilt which makes it all even worse. I remember seeing people get so worked up from things in the past and thinking to myself, like, "Whoa, calm down...Why are you letting yourself get so angry?" But I cant calm myself down anymore like I used to and just "get over" it. I feel like my control of it has weakened.


I'm not an angry person. Sarcastic sure, but angry? I wasn't. I was happy. I was carefree. I could face whatever was in front of me. I just feel like I don't have a grip on anything sometimes. I feel like I have been as patient and accepting as I could. I also think its all the buildup of everything I'm anxiously waiting for. I just hope that I can find a way to get back to my center. I know Ill have good and bad days, everyone does. And I don't get angry all the time or every day, but on the days I do, its just bad, it takes over. I just don't want to be this crazed hot head who lets her anger take the love and beauty out of things. I want to be better. I want to be happy, loving, kind and pure. I want to only see the good in situations and in people. I want to find my faith in all of that again.


So bear with me people - while I slowly continue to crawl out of crazy and try to embrace what the future hopefully holds.

Disneyland

I Love Disney. I know its cliché. I know its insignificant. I know its childish. (In my opinion we could all stand to be a bit more like children sometimes) But I do. I love it. Justin took me to Disneyland for the very first time in my whole life. I know some people automatically think about crowds, and lines, and sticky fingers, but I think about adventures, rides, a happy atmosphere, and churros! I love it. I meet the characters, watch the parades & fireworks, go on all the rides, and soak it all up. Every time. Justin and I have been there at LEAST 20 times in the last 10 years. I LOVED watching all the kids, and making funny faces at the babies in line. The ones that were too little to know what was going on but were there anyways. I couldn’t wait to start my own family and bring them on their first trip of many to Disneyland.

We even took a trip while I was pregnant with Liam. We only did the small rides that were slow and didn’t drop or jerk, but we just strolled along taking pictures of my belly and talking about all of the "firsts" we would do with Liam. I believe we even bickered about how soon we could take him. I said seven months, and eventually, Justin agreed. We even bought one of his first toys there. It was a small plush animal of Zero the ghost dog from Nightmare before Christmas. We kept him in the nursery waiting his arrival, we have a video of us first showing the toy to Liam when he finally came home, and he is still with him now.

After we lost Liam, as petty as it may sound to some, I didn’t want to go back to Disneyland. It was too sad. Its supposed to be the happiest place on earth and I couldn’t go and watch everyone else’s happiness all around me while it was once again, just me and Justin. I didn’t want to face all of the beaming parents showing their babies mickey mouse for the first time and taking the first picture. Or watching a toddler wobble around the cobblestone. I didn’t want to see the frustrated mom who couldn’t get through the crowds with her stroller. I would LOVE to be even pushing a stroller! Instead, ours is at home, in my office collecting dust. Among other things, this was very sensitive to me especially during the time we were doing genetic testing and were stuck in a limbo of waiting on answers and not even able to try for another child yet. Though it wouldn’t ease the pain of not having Liam there, it would at least a step towards the hope of having children to bring eventually.

 

We returned to Disneyland on Valentine’s Day weekend. Just the two of us. We were finally in a better place to be able to face most of these things. It wasn’t overwhelming or unbearable. It was a little empty and sad. I remember seeing teenagers laughing so innocently and being envious of them. It was fun to be there but not as fun as it was before when I was oblivious to all the bad things in life. Maybe not oblivious but not directly affected.  I won’t deny that there was a difference, But it is still a magical inspiring place to me.


      

 

We wrote a note to Liam, bought a blue Mickey balloon (that would have bought for him anyways.... He would have been at the age to LOVE balloons.) tied a red and yellow balloon to it for his little superhero colors and carried it around Fantasyland for a bit. We took some photos and finally released them. The sky was so big and clear that day. His balloon rose so high. It seemed to freeze time and last forever. It was a wonderful way for us to incorporate him into what should have been his first trip. It was also a release of one more weight that grief no longer holds over our head.

The Big Fat Fasle Negative

Well, It’s like fate had yet another plan. I have heard a lot of stories about loss of infants. Many of the couples were pregnant again so soon. I wished for this also. Not because it would take away any pain from losing Liam, but because it would give me a shred of hope. We didn’t get to even start trying until months of genetic testing was finished. Then after two months it seemed like I wasn’t even going to get pregnant. I know that’s a small amount of time to get upset about, But I was always able to get pregnant quickly. So to me, it was a huge setback and of course sent me spiraling down a hole of emotions. Six months after losing Liam we were finally able to start trying again. I was positive I was pregnant in December. I felt everything I should have felt being pregnant, but I was not. Then January came, and I felt nothing, I was sure I wasn’t pregnant. I took a test as a precaution, and it was negative. Two more days passed and I still had no clear indication that I wasn’t pregnant, so I took another test. It was positive. Barely, but positive. I waited another two days and took another, and it was clearly positive. What a difference two days can make. So there I was, barely pregnant, and beyond the moon ecstatic and terrified at the same time. Terrified to miscarry for no reason again. Terrified of what the genetic testing will reveal. I’m not even able to dive in to all of the normal stuff to be terrified about. I’m being careful to fall back in to the dreams that I created of what having and keeping a baby would be like long term. My subconscious dreams were already completely taken over by this beautiful bliss. But I was also happy, so happy to have the opportunity to be pregnant again and to have a husband who is so happy about it too despite all of the fears and challenges. But he didn’t hold back at all, he was so happy too.

Then, as quickly as it came, it left. I started showing signs of miscarriage before I completed my 6th week. We went to the doctor’s office, verified my levels and confirmed that I’ve lost another one. This makes three. I’m 0 in 3. Pretty much a terrible record.... And to say the least I was beyond upset. I felt like a complete failure, stupid for having hope again & for being happy about it. All of the emotions came back from the weight of everything. Not to mention, I was now set back another month... Me being impatient, I was planning on an August baby, then It would have been a September baby, and now we will be lucky to even have one by the end of the year. I know this can sound like a crazed person and everyone’s advice would be "It will happen" - "Everything in good time" - "Good things come to those who wait" - "When its meant to be it will be" and my favorite - "It’s God's plan". Ugh. I KNOW. But car seats have an expiration date you know! And I have an empty house with a perfectly set up nursery equipped with diapers, rockers, a crib - the works & I also have everything in between from toys to strollers..... Our house is quiet. Every day its quiet. And it should be loud and full with memories in the making. To make things worse, my doctor nonchalantly tells me (over the phone and without ever meeting me, it’s a new doctor because I have to go to this new referred office for high risk cases and work the genetics counselor, etc.) to "just wait three months before trying again"... Like all I have is time, and it’s not harder each day you can’t even work towards your goal and yea, sure I’ll just WAIT THREE MORE months...... After the 6 I’ve already spent on genetic testing. No big deal.

So. After thinking and evaluating and contemplating and stressing and worrying and rationalizing I decided to take January for myself. No pressure. Just a break to pull myself back together and reset. I waited the three months after my first miscarriage because I had to have the D&C surgery with that one. That made sense. This one was natural and was extremely early. I felt normal again after a week. I’ve done a lot of research about the benefits of waiting or not waiting. Allot of these situations are first time occurrences and they caution about the emotional affects and recovering from that and to allow your body to recover. I already knew what to expect, It was a huge disappointment but not a shock. My body feels back to 100%. I have read other stories about the benefits of not waiting and that when your body is ready again, it will naturally just be ready and happen. There’s nothing really proven either way. So with our already stretchy odds, I’m taking the leap. Im working on thinking positive, keeping my mind busy to avoid worry, and enjoy each good moment. Worst case scenario, if it doesn’t work, I guess I’ll wait longer the next time. Because apparently all I have is time... So watch out world, I’ll probably be a bit on edge this month and we all know next month is March so Ill most likely be even more of a crazy. But I’m Okay. I think in the end, everything will be okay. It won’t be how I envisioned it or how I planned and wanted it to be. But it will be what it will be. And It will be wonderful in its own way.