The Big Fat Fasle Negative

Well, It’s like fate had yet another plan. I have heard a lot of stories about loss of infants. Many of the couples were pregnant again so soon. I wished for this also. Not because it would take away any pain from losing Liam, but because it would give me a shred of hope. We didn’t get to even start trying until months of genetic testing was finished. Then after two months it seemed like I wasn’t even going to get pregnant. I know that’s a small amount of time to get upset about, But I was always able to get pregnant quickly. So to me, it was a huge setback and of course sent me spiraling down a hole of emotions. Six months after losing Liam we were finally able to start trying again. I was positive I was pregnant in December. I felt everything I should have felt being pregnant, but I was not. Then January came, and I felt nothing, I was sure I wasn’t pregnant. I took a test as a precaution, and it was negative. Two more days passed and I still had no clear indication that I wasn’t pregnant, so I took another test. It was positive. Barely, but positive. I waited another two days and took another, and it was clearly positive. What a difference two days can make. So there I was, barely pregnant, and beyond the moon ecstatic and terrified at the same time. Terrified to miscarry for no reason again. Terrified of what the genetic testing will reveal. I’m not even able to dive in to all of the normal stuff to be terrified about. I’m being careful to fall back in to the dreams that I created of what having and keeping a baby would be like long term. My subconscious dreams were already completely taken over by this beautiful bliss. But I was also happy, so happy to have the opportunity to be pregnant again and to have a husband who is so happy about it too despite all of the fears and challenges. But he didn’t hold back at all, he was so happy too.

Then, as quickly as it came, it left. I started showing signs of miscarriage before I completed my 6th week. We went to the doctor’s office, verified my levels and confirmed that I’ve lost another one. This makes three. I’m 0 in 3. Pretty much a terrible record.... And to say the least I was beyond upset. I felt like a complete failure, stupid for having hope again & for being happy about it. All of the emotions came back from the weight of everything. Not to mention, I was now set back another month... Me being impatient, I was planning on an August baby, then It would have been a September baby, and now we will be lucky to even have one by the end of the year. I know this can sound like a crazed person and everyone’s advice would be "It will happen" - "Everything in good time" - "Good things come to those who wait" - "When its meant to be it will be" and my favorite - "It’s God's plan". Ugh. I KNOW. But car seats have an expiration date you know! And I have an empty house with a perfectly set up nursery equipped with diapers, rockers, a crib - the works & I also have everything in between from toys to strollers..... Our house is quiet. Every day its quiet. And it should be loud and full with memories in the making. To make things worse, my doctor nonchalantly tells me (over the phone and without ever meeting me, it’s a new doctor because I have to go to this new referred office for high risk cases and work the genetics counselor, etc.) to "just wait three months before trying again"... Like all I have is time, and it’s not harder each day you can’t even work towards your goal and yea, sure I’ll just WAIT THREE MORE months...... After the 6 I’ve already spent on genetic testing. No big deal.

So. After thinking and evaluating and contemplating and stressing and worrying and rationalizing I decided to take January for myself. No pressure. Just a break to pull myself back together and reset. I waited the three months after my first miscarriage because I had to have the D&C surgery with that one. That made sense. This one was natural and was extremely early. I felt normal again after a week. I’ve done a lot of research about the benefits of waiting or not waiting. Allot of these situations are first time occurrences and they caution about the emotional affects and recovering from that and to allow your body to recover. I already knew what to expect, It was a huge disappointment but not a shock. My body feels back to 100%. I have read other stories about the benefits of not waiting and that when your body is ready again, it will naturally just be ready and happen. There’s nothing really proven either way. So with our already stretchy odds, I’m taking the leap. Im working on thinking positive, keeping my mind busy to avoid worry, and enjoy each good moment. Worst case scenario, if it doesn’t work, I guess I’ll wait longer the next time. Because apparently all I have is time... So watch out world, I’ll probably be a bit on edge this month and we all know next month is March so Ill most likely be even more of a crazy. But I’m Okay. I think in the end, everything will be okay. It won’t be how I envisioned it or how I planned and wanted it to be. But it will be what it will be. And It will be wonderful in its own way.