The last few years have consisted of a lot of learning, forgiving, and growth for your Daddy and me. We have tried as well as we know how to honor you, your memories and your life. There has been so much good done in your name from family and friends. You have left such an impact on this world. Losing you has changed the outlook that we will forever have on the world and life itself. There were very many dark times but there were also many triumphs.
You would be turning three today.
I would have known your personality, your likes and dislikes as they all would have been very clear by now. You would be running and playing and already taking interests in specific things, changing, and learning. You would be talking. We wonder what your voice would have sounded like, or the cute things you would say while trying to explain or annunciate certain things. We would be watching you grow and soak up knowledge like a sponge. It would astound us. Our lives would be so different. My heart always aches for that. We wanted that more than we could ever explain, with you - We wanted YOU. We wanted so many things for you. Not seeing those things through feels like a failure on my part. Because I wouldn't want you to ever miss out on anything. We wanted to give you the world, but you were not to spend much time in our world. We miss you baby boy, I miss you.
Your Daddy and I wanted to have a few children. One of our favorite things about you, was that you were our first, and thinking of the big brother you would some day be. Now that things are different, and how they are today, we still think of you as the big brother, just in a different way. We loved the idea of you picking out and sending a sibling to us. To watch over them as their own guardian angel. Getting this far in continuing to grow our family was a very long and hard journey. As we get closer and closer to the end of this rainbow pregnancy, I cant help but be so conflicted with emotions. I want you here with us, and her so badly. I know she will be so different from you, but I cant help to always compare you both already. It makes me feel as if you are here and that by comparing and noticing your similarities and differences, it somehow brings you both together. I want her to know you too. I'm not sure how or when, but I picture reading your books to her, sharing your scrapbook and memories with her, page by page. She'll have your picture in her room, which was also your room. She'll wear your clothes, and use your things, in your footsteps, as a sibling. She will know you, and you her.
I wish you were here for her, but I also wish you were here for us. You are loved by SO many. You will always be what's missing. I hope my heart is big enough for all the joy and good times to come. I hope that I can find how to embrace them with you in my heart too, without breaking down in grief, but to be thankful for all of it. I hope I can be more grateful for everything instead of yearning for what I wanted to be. I want to make you proud, share and express my love for you, and feel you with me in those moments, instead of focusing on the fact that you're not physically there. I'm not sure how to do it little man, but I promise Ill do my best. I know you're in this with us, you're everywhere.
I hope you're happy, warm, and taken care of. I hope Cassius is with you, keeping you company. I don't know how all these things work, but little things like a boy and his dog being together sure helps comfort a long distance Mom and Dad. We hope you continue to shine bright in all the skies. Happiest 3rd birthday sweet boy. You'll always have the biggest place in all our hearts. We love you so, so much.
This gets me every time. Again, so very sorry for this huge loss. Happy Birthday to Liam.
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