The Silence

I typically make an effort to publish one new blog post a month. This way I'm not over doing it with every rant or point of view that comes over me, and I keep a solid pattern of publishing. Lately I've just been silenced. I seems like we've been in a very quiet waiting period for some time now. We have been trying to get pregnant, for months now. This alone makes me feel pressured and anxious. I feel its easiest to deal with the pressure and stress by using distractions and not focusing directly on an obstacle that I have no control over. This results in me being quiet. I guess I don't know any other way to put it. I'm scared to be overly happy because when things don't work out you end up feeling ridiculously stupid. (Crazy, I know.... But its true). I don't want to be negative either because its just not how I want to be. I'm holding on to my faith with the strongest thread I can manage. In efforts to hold everything together, I'm hesitant to express myself, until I know exactly what I'm trying to express and then it results in this, a bunch of random babble. So.... I guess Ill write on an update about myself. 
 

I recently have began been volunteering at Sunrise Children's Hospital on their pediatric floors. I've had a hard time with obviously not having Liam around. Especially during his first year and now. I notice that keeping this bottled up causes me to resent others and their kids. This makes me feel like an awful person and its not productive. When I'm with friends and family, and there are other babies around, I always have the urge to hold, love and play with them, but I hate how I feel that people are watching sympathetically. I feel like I can feel their sorrow for me, and for them to watch me hold another baby is almost as difficult for them to see as it is for me to do. This makes me also feel a lot of pressure and most of the time prevents me from going through with it. I thought a lot about how to get my maternal side OUT and embrace it on my terms without the pressure of anyone else. I looked into baby cuddling programs and realized the next best thing would be to volunteer. I go once a week and play with all the kiddos that are feeling up to it. I can read to them, play games, color, watch movies, and more. When the babies are admitted I can spend time with them too. When I walk around the hospital everyone sees a volunteer instead of a sad mourning mom who is without her son. This helps create a completely judgment free safe place for me. It takes the pressure off, and I get to be a friend to all these amazing kids who brighten my day, and in return I get to try and brighten theirs. Its been very good for me and I'm glad that I'm part of their team. 
 

I think about Liam - so often, there's not a way to explain it. He's in my thoughts subliminally, he's constantly a part of my thought process. He's always in the background of my mind during my day to day when I'm not directly reminiscing the memories I have of him. I surround myself with him. Even though now it feels more normal for him to not be physically here with me, I feel as if he's always with me. I hate that it feels normal again to not have a child with me everyday. It naturally makes me feel guilty, even though I know there's no reason for it.


Mothers Day was a tough one as expected. Everyone was very nice and considerate and told me "Happy Mothers Day" and gave gifts and flowers and more. It was very kind. Its just difficult because I know I gave birth to a son, I know technically I'm a mother - It just doesn't feel that way when your day to day life is still in its "Only me and Justin" phase. I only played that part for about a month. Now I get a full nights sleep every night. I wake up and give myself about 20 minutes to get dressed and ready for work. I eat at my own leisure. We leave the house in 5 minutes to run errands. We go out and stay up too late, then sleep in the following day. We sit on the couch and watch movies, uninterrupted. We do laundry about twice a month. None of these things are typical for a mother. I know my story is different. I know its not the same. I just would trade all those things to have the day to day of an active mother. The frustrations, the breakdowns, the constant tired eyes, the schedule, the chaos and all of he memories that come along with. I almost feel that its a holiday that I haven't yet earned. And I know..... THAT'S CRAZY. Its just what makes it bittersweet.

I am so thankful for the mothers day that I did get to spend with Liam. We drove to my Nana's house, and spent time with my mother, sister, cousins, and grandparents. My cousin got to feed him. Everyone got to hold and cuddle him. Then to make the day most memorable, my son blasted poo out of his diaper, with the funniest grunt, all over my leg. That..... That was a true mothers day.

That's it for my mini update. We are still here, still kicking, still figuring things out. We are constantly running around visiting family and friends for birthdays, graduations, celebrations, and more while also making time for ourselves. This year marks 3 years married and 10 together for us. :) Thank you to everyone for always thinking of us.