The First Birthday

"One year ago today I gave birth to" is such a common start for most moms to boast about on their child's first birthday. Its usually followed by "I cant believe how fast it went by" and "where has the time gone" and hits on the most memorable milestones and heartfelt memories that took place in the past year. I've said it a million times, but oh the plans I had for this first year. His first birthday would have most definitely been a Disney or Superhero one. I would have wasted so much time on all of the meaningless details to make it as colorful and fun and loud as it could have been. I would have mailed handmade invitations, hosted little ball pits for all of the babies there, and had the best messiest cake I could have found for him to make a mess of. These are just a few of the visions I had.


Instead I'm blissfully reflecting on the fact that an entire year ago, I gave birth to my son. I woke up that morning, let my boss know that I would be working from home because I was not feeling well. I actually was just having cramps but they were painful and I didn't want to drive across town. Little did I know that these cramps were contractions and that I would be meeting our little man in just a matter of hours a month just short of a month before he was due. One year ago today Liam James Schlosser was born.

In the first few months after his passing, it was hard to be around other newborns or even pregnant women in general. It was hard to hear a newborn cry. After time, this eased. Its still a soft spot that I usually have to mentally prepare for but it has gotten easier, and its actually very comforting at times. I have watched my friends and family's babies grow. I have watched my own nephews grow. Grow past the infant stage, start eating solid food, crawl, smile, babble and was followed by their first words, first steps and more. Grow to throwing and catching balls, riding bikes, and talking back! I have watched my nieces grow in school, grow taller, pursue drawing and other talents they have. Not to mention all of my cousins that I have watched grow. I always wondered what Liam would have been doing. I wonder how he would have been interacting with all these other children that he should have grown up with. I'm not sure at which point I stopped imagining him growing. Suddenly, it was toddlers that were hard to look at, hard to hear, and hard to be around. I didn't expect it but it hurts more not just not knowing what he would be doing, but not even being able to envision what he would look like. I feel like all his memories were just frozen in time and he's just this little two month old baby forever. I was still thinking of him this way for months. Maybe I will forever. I just cant believe he would have been a year today. I wonder what he would look like. I wonder what his favorite toys would be. I wonder where we would be as a family. I wonder what mistakes we would have made. I wonder what would have been our favorite parts. Or the hardest. I wonder how we would have made things work.


Its almost like I'm missing him from the very beginning all over again erasing all of the progress I have made with my grief over the months. Almost every part of it hurts all over again. Every part of him, missing him and the thought of him. I know this has to be normal, I know I will be okay. I know Ill get through this. I know Liam's looking down at all of the remembrances that are being done in his honor today and will smile knowing how many are thinking of him. I know he's in the most beautiful place in existence. I'm positive that he is pain free, healthy, and happy. I'm happy for that. Its just the never-ending missing him. It's just sad. It just hurts. Today will forever be an especially hard day each year. I accept it.


I think this first year sets the bar for the hardest of hard years. Justin and I survived hand in hand, stronger, more patient, and understanding than we have ever been.  I want to continue to rebuild myself and heal. I want to continue to grow and find ways to embrace and remember Liam in the most positive ways possible. I want to be the best person I can be for him. I want to do wonderful things in his name. I just hope he continues to hold my soul extra close to his.

Happy Birthday little baby boy. I hope you know how much you are loved by so many. I hope you know the influence you left on this world. I hope you continue to find ways to inspire all of those who knew you and those who were touched by your story. I hope you enjoy your balloons. We love you punkin pie. Happy 1st Birthday.