The Crazy

Crazy
cra•zy/ˈkrāzē/
adjective
1.mentally deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way.
2.extremely enthusiastic.
3.(of an angle) appearing absurdly out of place or in an unlikely position.


I have never in my entire life - felt - so - CRAZY. I know its normal for everything that I have went through in the last year, but I hate to think that that's an excuse! Its not how I want to be. I focus on rationalizing. I focus on finding a perspective to wrap my head around to help cope and move forward. I focus on the happy and beautiful things. I focus on the small things. No matter how much I "focus" lately, I sometimes just feel so absolutely unstable and crazy. This is new, and its so uncomfortable.


I'm used to the feeling of being stressed, or pressured, or just grumpy sometimes, sure. Lately however, I can just be walking along, feeling fine and see something so random that will set me into a crazed angry downward spiral that nothing can pull me out of and that I (at the time) don't necessarily care to be saved from. Not just baby or pregnancy things either, but mostly simple stupid things like road rage, long lines, spilling my coffee, or the general public.


I get angry when I see people who are acting grumpy, angry, or ungrateful. My irrational reasoning is "what the hell do you have to be so unhappy about". In reality, I'm mad that I'm the one walking around angry.  I get angry when I see people that are happy. My irrational reasoning is "It must be nice to just have everything and just to be so giggly happy all the time". In reality, I'm just so envious of their carefree moment of happiness. I get angry when I see pregnant people who appear to be so agitated about being pregnant. My irrational reasoning is "you have no idea what you're taking for granted". In reality, I'm so sorry I took a single second of my pregnancy for granted thinking it was the easy part I just had to get through. I get angry sometimes when people talk to me about their problems. My irrational reasoning is "Do something about it to fix it because at least you can".  In reality, I'm not one to judge, and I'm just upset about bottling all of my own problems and emotions inside unable to get the support or comforting words that I want to hear. Instead I'm stuck in a situation that I cannot fix and have no control over. Bottom line - I'm just bitter and throwing a tantrum about it.


I'm so ashamed of how much control my emotions have over me these days. Some days have definitely gotten easier. I even have lots of days where it feels like everything is okay and I'm beaming happiness and positivity. These are the days I feel closest to Liam in the most content and peaceful way. Other times, all of the sadness and anger comes back and I cant see past the fact that Liam should be here, but, he's not and it hurts and I ache. Its all downward from there. The fact that I even have these terrible angry ugly thoughts on my bad days just eats away at my conscience and I feel like the worst person. I would never act out or take these things out on innocent people.  I just wish I didn't have these feelings at all. The fact that I argue with myself daily about it makes me feel like a legitimate crazy person. After I get angry about whatever stupid reason its immediately followed by this huge weight of guilt which makes it all even worse. I remember seeing people get so worked up from things in the past and thinking to myself, like, "Whoa, calm down...Why are you letting yourself get so angry?" But I cant calm myself down anymore like I used to and just "get over" it. I feel like my control of it has weakened.


I'm not an angry person. Sarcastic sure, but angry? I wasn't. I was happy. I was carefree. I could face whatever was in front of me. I just feel like I don't have a grip on anything sometimes. I feel like I have been as patient and accepting as I could. I also think its all the buildup of everything I'm anxiously waiting for. I just hope that I can find a way to get back to my center. I know Ill have good and bad days, everyone does. And I don't get angry all the time or every day, but on the days I do, its just bad, it takes over. I just don't want to be this crazed hot head who lets her anger take the love and beauty out of things. I want to be better. I want to be happy, loving, kind and pure. I want to only see the good in situations and in people. I want to find my faith in all of that again.


So bear with me people - while I slowly continue to crawl out of crazy and try to embrace what the future hopefully holds.