Disneyland

I Love Disney. I know its cliché. I know its insignificant. I know its childish. (In my opinion we could all stand to be a bit more like children sometimes) But I do. I love it. Justin took me to Disneyland for the very first time in my whole life. I know some people automatically think about crowds, and lines, and sticky fingers, but I think about adventures, rides, a happy atmosphere, and churros! I love it. I meet the characters, watch the parades & fireworks, go on all the rides, and soak it all up. Every time. Justin and I have been there at LEAST 20 times in the last 10 years. I LOVED watching all the kids, and making funny faces at the babies in line. The ones that were too little to know what was going on but were there anyways. I couldn’t wait to start my own family and bring them on their first trip of many to Disneyland.

We even took a trip while I was pregnant with Liam. We only did the small rides that were slow and didn’t drop or jerk, but we just strolled along taking pictures of my belly and talking about all of the "firsts" we would do with Liam. I believe we even bickered about how soon we could take him. I said seven months, and eventually, Justin agreed. We even bought one of his first toys there. It was a small plush animal of Zero the ghost dog from Nightmare before Christmas. We kept him in the nursery waiting his arrival, we have a video of us first showing the toy to Liam when he finally came home, and he is still with him now.

After we lost Liam, as petty as it may sound to some, I didn’t want to go back to Disneyland. It was too sad. Its supposed to be the happiest place on earth and I couldn’t go and watch everyone else’s happiness all around me while it was once again, just me and Justin. I didn’t want to face all of the beaming parents showing their babies mickey mouse for the first time and taking the first picture. Or watching a toddler wobble around the cobblestone. I didn’t want to see the frustrated mom who couldn’t get through the crowds with her stroller. I would LOVE to be even pushing a stroller! Instead, ours is at home, in my office collecting dust. Among other things, this was very sensitive to me especially during the time we were doing genetic testing and were stuck in a limbo of waiting on answers and not even able to try for another child yet. Though it wouldn’t ease the pain of not having Liam there, it would at least a step towards the hope of having children to bring eventually.

 

We returned to Disneyland on Valentine’s Day weekend. Just the two of us. We were finally in a better place to be able to face most of these things. It wasn’t overwhelming or unbearable. It was a little empty and sad. I remember seeing teenagers laughing so innocently and being envious of them. It was fun to be there but not as fun as it was before when I was oblivious to all the bad things in life. Maybe not oblivious but not directly affected.  I won’t deny that there was a difference, But it is still a magical inspiring place to me.


      

 

We wrote a note to Liam, bought a blue Mickey balloon (that would have bought for him anyways.... He would have been at the age to LOVE balloons.) tied a red and yellow balloon to it for his little superhero colors and carried it around Fantasyland for a bit. We took some photos and finally released them. The sky was so big and clear that day. His balloon rose so high. It seemed to freeze time and last forever. It was a wonderful way for us to incorporate him into what should have been his first trip. It was also a release of one more weight that grief no longer holds over our head.