The Nursery

In 2010 we bought our three bedroom house. The plan was to fill it up with a family. Remodeling our small spare room was something that we looked forward to ever since we tried to get pregnant. The planning for it, themes to choose from and general idea of it all sent me swooning. A project that we got to work on together, to build a nursery, it was amazing.

                                    

We chose a superhero theme for our anticipated little boy. This was in 2013 BEFORE it was trending everywhere. There was maybe one person that had done it before that inspired me of the idea. It was so hard to find anything that was baby friendly and had superheroes. We painted the walls, assembled the crib and dresser/changing table, and positioned the rocking chair, shelves, and diaper genie how we wanted it. The nursery was perfect.
                                          
                                           
                                           
While Liam was stuck in the NICU, we wanted nothing more than to just have him home with us. He should be comforted in his home, in his own room we made for him. When that day finally came, after a month in the NICU, it was such a glorious time. I remember thinking what an obstacle we overcame and how thankful we were to have him home and thriving. The NICU repeatedly told us that this will all one day be a small bump in the road that you'll just have to look back on one day. We were so happy that we were at the "looking back" place. Little did anyone expect the alternative.
             
Liam was distracted and awed by all of the popping colors in his room. The walls were a dark blue and gray color. We added his name to the walls from wooden letters covered in comic book pages. The other wall had 12x12 superhero emblems that were also very bright in color. His bed set was ordered on ETSY and was bright yellow, red and blue with marvel fabric bumpers and skirt. I loved watching him look at it all. I loved seeing him in his crib.

Liam's nursery is still intact. Its one of the brightest rooms in the house due to how the windows are facing. I know facing what to do with the nursery is different for all mothers of loss. For me, its my almost safe place. It just feels peaceful in there. I know if we are blessed with more children, his room will be changed to accommodate them. In the meantime, I just don't see a reason to change it. We don't need the room for anything else. It was always meant to be a nursery. Its comforting in there. Some of his things are boxed up ready for storage one day. The same stack of diapers that were in his basket on his last day remain on his changing table along with the same box of wipes (most likely dried up by now) that we were using. I haven't touched or washed his crib sheets. His clothes are still organized by size in his dresser. His jackets and shoes are in his closet.  I still use his blanket I made him on special days. We spent time on that blanket during the nights he wouldn't sleep. All of his memories come swarming back to me in there, in the best ways.
                                                                    

My puppies (not actual puppies by the way, they are both full grown... I just cant bring my self to call them "dogs" for some reason) LOVE his room. They'd lay in there all day if I let them. Its like they know. I remember feeling so sad for them going through all of this too. Watching me get big, then disappearing for days, then rarely ever home because we were constantly at the NICU, then we bring this BABY home! They were so confused and interested in him but careful at the same time. It was lovely. When he left us, I'm not sure what the dogs thought of that. I know they watched us grieve and change. There was a while where they barely got out for our usual walks and hikes. Now I think they are used to how things are again. I just cant help but think about how all of this confused and affected them as well.
                                           
In the future, I'm not sure what we will do. I know eventually I will have to go through things, throw out expired things, and figure out what to do with all of his stuff. I'd like to pass a lot of it down to future babies, but I'd like to save a lot of it for him too. I know we wont use a superhero theme again, because to us, that was HIS. Its bittersweet that its so popular now. We see things constantly that would have been great additions to his room, or would have made great toys for him. Superman specifically symbolizes our memory of him. We did a photo shoot with him, his letter "L" and a small superman cape that came with one of his jackets or onsies. We didn't know then how powerful that would later become for us. Liam James, will forever be our little Superman.