The Memories

Have you ever made a face and pictured someone else making that same face and felt like you look like them making that same face? 

I know, that's a lot to interpret - but - sometimes when I yawn, I feel like I look like Liam did when he yawned. The way my nose feels scrunched up is exactly how his looked when he yawned. Something that simple makes me smile. It makes me so happy to randomly think of and feel that close of a resemblance to him. 

I feel the same way about some of my "smug" expressions. It just makes me laugh! There was so much we did with Liam that he seemed to be so bored and unimpressed with. For example, When we would go jogging and this would be his expression.

I remember his short lived tantrums too. He could get so angry so fast for nothing and then one minute later be completely content. It cracked me and Justin up! As soon as we comforted him - we would just laugh about it. One day after a bath he went through this string of emotions. This is still one of my favorite series of photos. 

My most favorite were his smiles. From his 3d ultrasounds to his first week of life and most days after - our boy loved to smile. I'm so happy I was "that mom" that snapped repeated photos of his face. I'm so thankful to have captured these emotions and so many many more. 

I realized over the last few years how much I forget simple things. Simple things like outings, vacation moments, etc. My biggest fear is forgetting anything about Liam. I came to the idea of writing my memories of him. Individually. Each memory, feeling, milestone, outing, sound, and more. I am so comforted by it. I know now that no matter how much time goes by I will not only have so many photos and memories but I will also have a documented day by day collection of individual memories. I also continue to carry things with me that make me "feel like a mom" as I did when he was with us. In my purse you'll still find a binky and a thermometer. In my living room his boppy and bouncer. In my kitchen cabinets his bottles. My jewelry pieces are even a special memorial for him. We will see what time does to these things. But I couldn't imagine some of them changing. I hope not ever. 

I loved being a mom. I loved the feeling of being his mommy. It was so life changing, so special, so perfect. I absolutely lived to just care for him. It was the best thing Ive ever done. It was also so much more empowering than I ever imagined. I felt so important and special like my sole purpose of being was to mother him. I yearn for that feeling again. Literally and actually yearn for it. I have such strong urges to even just hold infants. Just for a glimpse of that feeling again. It came so naturally and was taken so abruptly - I want it back badly. In the meantime I surround myself with uplifting people and my beautiful cousins, nieces, and nephews. I wanted to take a moment and just recognize the positive things, the memories, and the love.