The Truth

 Ive realized that I mostly just observe these days. Watch other people go through the motions of their days, greeting each other, sarcastically or legitimately complaining, and holding conversations amongst friends. It's hard to even take it seriously. Everything seems so repetitive and distant. I care so little about so much that used to feel so important to me.

I also watch those around me hitting major milestones of life that I once strived for like starting a new job, buying a house, getting fit, getting married, getting pregnant, or planning for their baby's arrival. I envy their innocence and their blessings. Constantly. Im so happy for them still. I really am. But I have never yearned for what someone else had so badly. I would typically go and get it. I was always so happy and so blessed for what I had. I was proud of achieving my milestones. I was proud of "making" a life I was so happy in. Now, I just feel like a fool for being so optimistic and having so much faith. I thought "I" was doing it. Or that "we" were doing it. We worked hard. We planned. We saved. I couldn't understand why others didn't just get stuff done to better themselves like we tried to do. I was so naive. Waking up to a world that you finally realize you have absolutely no control in is truly life changing.

 I feel scared all the time. I'm scared of desperate people because they have nothing to lose. I'm scared of people stealing from me. I'm scared of disease. I'm scared of my phone ringing after midnight because I know the chances of only bad news on the other side of it. I'm scared to have more children. I'm scared that any innocence of being oblivious of the worst case scenario has left me. I'm scared of all of my worst nightmares coming true before my eyes. And I feel like it would be done to see how "strong" I am. I feel like everything has been a test or a punishment so far. 

These thoughts are overwhelming. Sometimes - they get the best of me. My social life has the least amount of my effort and I'm typically upset most of the time.  It's just me. I just don't care. I don't know why I even try sometimes. But I just do. I try. I still move forward. I still plan. I still save. I still put effort in everything I do. I still work. I still force a smile. I still hope. I still pray. I still try to be positive. Maybe it will all fail and and I will look and feel like a fool again. But - maybe it won't. The worst part is - I'll never get to have that piece of mind again. 

I still know that I have a lot. A lot of love. A lot of support. A home. A job. A supportive dreamboat of a husband. I focus on that and try to be better. Trying to see that rainbow. Here's to hoping.