We just returned from a weekend trip to Oceanside California with family. A trip that was planned before Liam was born. It was supposed to be our first family vacation and beach trip together at a beach house in Oceanside for a week. Liam would have been 5 months old. I braced our family for the reality of vacationing with an infant because I knew there would be lots of crying, feeding fits during the night and extra attention needed to accommodate us but of course they were aware and didn't mind at all. So the beach house rental plan was set in motion.
Obviously we didn't get to experience this dream. When weeks passed and our tentative vacation date approached we were certain we wouldn't go. The thought of it all was too much. I noticed as time went on that our family would be going regardless (after all it was their family trip originally) and the house would be available, the beach would still be there and the world will continue spinning wether we were there or not. I started thinking about how many more things I would avoid because it's too painful. I already address so many things head on to avoid this type of trend. This vacation is just another reality that we need to adjust to. So, after talking it out, we went for the weekend.
I keep thinking that things MUST get easy for me now because I've already went through so much. Like I'm owed a pass from hardship. Obviously that is a stupid thing to assume. Instead I feel like I'm just having more and more tests and obstacles thrown at me. Like I'm meant to break and just throw in the towel. Little things like the perfect families that were vacationing near us were hard to watch but at the same time I couldn't look away. I expected these families to be there and I can't even bring myself to mad at them, I'm just so "in awe" instead. I just ache to have the same blessings. On Saturday while we were enjoying the view, not one, but two perfectly beautiful pregnant ladies set up right next to us on the beach. One on each side of course. Each with their perfectly round 9 month bellies and other toddlers running around playing in the sand. My heart aches even more but still, I can't make myself look away. It's too beautiful.
Then I'm focused in my nephew. My perfect little nephew who was meant to grow up with his younger cousin before that future was taken from him as well. The attachment I have to this little boy is unexplainable. I love every second of playing with him, chasing him, and talking to him while listening to him repeat everything I say. I melt when I see my husband with him, teaching him, playing with him and tossing him in the air. I ache even more when I see my husband through my nephews eyes. There's so much love. It's beautiful in every aspect of an aunt and uncle's relationship with their nephew. I am incredibly thankful for it. However, It's also a constant reminder of everything that was taken away from us. Every single moment of it. Every hug, toss, sprint, kiss, toy, fit, laugh and cry. What am I supposed to do? Should I distance myself because it's so hard? I couldn't even imagine doing that. I'm so drawn to being around him despite the pain because somehow it makes me feel closer to Liam. It makes motherly instincts come out. It makes me remember what I should have been doing or what I would have had to look forward to. It's a constant battle of emotions. It might be this way with him too because he knew Liam. He patted his head when he cried. He kissed his head while he slept. He brought him his binky if he didn't already have it. Even though he's 2 years old he loved Liam too. I don't know how to explain that kind of bond but I'm drawn to it.
I'll do my best to mask my pain in front of him and enjoy my time with him as my nephew. He deserves that. I deserve that. I'm also blessed with such amazing nieces that are beyond words. Being equally close to them melts my soul. I couldn't ask for more pure persons. I love watching all of my nieces and nephews grow. I just need to focus on separating the positive from the negative.
Regardless of the roller coaster of emotions - I'm really happy we decided to go. The sunsets and the waves were beautiful. The house has a patio that opened up to the beach just feet away from the ocean. There was a dragonfly that greeted us each morning and pictures with strange rays and spots of light that made me feel like Liam was close. We made memories that we will cherish forever.
I'm glad to know that my husband acknowledges the same things and moments that I do, and chooses to put them into a perspective similar to my own. Having the same point of view on things as we grow together through this makes our bond an even stronger one. The world is never going to stop moving. We will never get a "free pass" at life's hardships because of what we have already went through. Life keeps going on regardless of our stance on it. We don't have control over whatever out future may or may not hold. I'm stuck at a place where I can't do anything today to obtain the future that I want tomorrow. So, while I'm in this in between place I'm going to try and enjoy the things I can, if I can.
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