One of the obstacles we were faced with this month was my husband’s 10 year high school reunion. Despite other non-realated insecurities and reasons not to want to go, we originally planned to attend. But now? What would we do? What would we even say? Not to mention, I’m still working on feeling comfortable in my own skin after having Liam. I dreaded every second leading up to it. But, we went and it was okay. It was actually nice. I met some great new people and we all were able to have a good time. We listened to others stories of their careers, travels, and families. We were asked the same questions back. Some we were able to share the truth with. Others we didn’t. But we did it. We went. We faced it. It was hard. But, I’m glad that we did.
On top of that, the 2014 Football season started this month. We had so many things we were looking forward to and had lined up leading to this year’s season. Liam had outfits that were picked out and gifted for him (even to coordinate with his predicted size and the weather during the season) along with hats and shoes to represent the Cowboys. We looked forward to staying home and watching all the games as a family. Now when it’s just us on the couch, it just feels wrong, and empty.
A couple weekends ago we attended a Shine for a Superhero 5K walk to support children’s cancer. SO many family members came and paid money to support the cause, dressed up, and showed their ongoing support. This was amazing. But it was hard also and my husband and I almost felt overwhelmed. I wanted to share and participate for the cause, and in my own way to walk for my son. But at the same time I wanted to blend in. I didn’t want the spot light on me and our story. I didn’t want to be asked what happened. Especially because it was unrelated to the cause we were supporting. Also because it’s hard enough to walk into work every day with 300+ people, meet someone at the sink in the restroom as you share the casual "hey, how are you" and having the constant recurring anxiety of wondering if they "know" or if they have "heard" yet since my return from being pregnant. Will they too ask me "How’s the baby"? I’m torn too because I want to world to know my son. I want to wear his photo on a T-Shirt proudly. I just wish is was for a different reason. Long internal battle short - There was attention toward our massive supportive group, and we survived. I wasn’t once cornered with a question I didn’t want to answer. We did blend in with every other suffering or rejoicing family there. I’m proud of the strength my family has and for their above and beyond continued support.
As if this month wasn’t busy enough, we also attended a baby shower for one of my high school friends. How could I not go? I LOVE BABIES! I love baby stuff, colors, smells, and talk! I even love pregnant people! Now especially more than ever I just can’t get enough. It was more of an open party with guys and girls so thankfully I had my rock next to me the entire time. I did well the whole time. I played games (even won one, woot, woot), socialized, and watched in awe at the gifts being opened. One of my other high school friends had her 2 month old with her. I still managed to hold it together even though the only thing I wanted to do was to hold her - the - entire - time. For whatever reason though, I couldn’t even bring myself to ask. This finally broke me. As soon as we left the party I went to my car, got in, locked it, and cried. For no specific reason. Just cried. It was a healthy cry. A yearning cry. I think it needed to happen. Even still, I’m glad and proud I went and faced it.
I ask my husband sometimes why it seems we are on this pursuit of torture with some of the decisions we make. After talking, the way we see it is this. We would both rather address certain things head on, expecting the inevitable, rather than be blindsided by something we know is going to be painful and hard to face. Especially when its things that we know we won’t be able to avoid forever. I can tell you for a fact, when something comes out of nowhere - while you’re having a good normal moment - and it’s unexpected, and makes you think and feel things you didn’t expect to, so suddenly, it’s very defeating... Its hard to recover from. It would destroy the entire moment if not the entire day. Even though this may be odd to some that we are facing so many things, to us, this is how we go through it. So we can process it. Some days it seems more destructive than beneficial, but at least I feel that I’m making progress. It also prepares me to have a brave and even happy face when I’m around my friends, family, and coworkers instead of having a breakdown every time I pass a perfectly round pregnant belly, or overhear someone complaining about their children, or see a pregnancy announcement (to name a few). This is why I can have a brave face. This is why I can be happy for others still. I face it head on, then I cry on my own time, reflect and process. I don’t want to be that dark cloud that walks in a room. I don’t want everyone to be on edge around us. I don’t have to tell you how hard, sad, empty, and ongoing the grief is. How much it hurts and aches. How much constantly have going on in my head at ALL times. How much I yearn for him. I never even really understood the term "yearn" before this. I literally honestly with all my heart physically yearn for Liam. For the feeling I had with him. For the love I had for him that radiated when I held him in my arms. I don’t even have to go into more detail. If you’re reading this, you already know or can imagine. But to me, that’s not a reason to roam in a constant dark and depressed state. If there’s any way to survive this, Its by moving forward, facing life, and embracing what I can.
I know the rest of this month will be hard. I know the months to come will be even harder. I am happy that I am now at a point of just being sad. I feel that’s healthy for now. That’s okay. It’s better than being angry. It’s bringing me closer to finding some type of peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment