IVF Round 2 - Failed.

I haven't written much lately. I have a million drafts that I cant bring myself to post. Most of them I feel are too raw and are written in such a low depressed state that I feel its just going to make people sad especially with no silver lining in sight as of yet. I feel like I've been finding new ways to cope and live life after everything changing so abruptly two years ago. Lately I have just been sort of floating by trying not to think so much about how badly we want a family of our own, if we will or wont ever have it, while dealing with whatever medical protocol we are currently on at the time. Every time I think I'm doing things right or at least heading in the right direction. Lately I just feel like I'm slowly losing myself and the desire to do things that used to make me happy. After our first failed round I really focused on me again and got my self in amazing health. I felt good. Justin and I decided that it was time to stop letting our faith linger in the in between and that we needed to read the Bible for ourselves to really form our own opinions and find faith stronger and clearer than ever before. I feel like after every loss we try to find a new way to improve and be better and stronger and move forward. I know this is a good thing, but it sure does make things hurt so much more when they still don't work out. The amount of strength that it takes for you to even be positive again and further more, really let yourself believe in that positivity really opens your self up for such a deeper pain when you're let down yet again. I feel so defeated, so unbelievably tired, and so lost.


Our second IVF round has failed. Our first official beta test on Monday and my hCG level came back at 4.5. Our hearts just sank. I was happy to have hCG in my system at all, but I knew this number was bad. Technically your level should be >5 to even be considered a pregnancy at all. By this time in the process your hCG level should be >100 to indicate a strong pregnancy. We were told to come back in two days to retest. The second beta came back at 7.5. Oh what a way to toy with emotions.... The level increased. Typically that's a great thing.  It was so easy to feel hopeful again but at the same time, if 7.5 was our initial number, it still would have still been bad. So we were told to come in for a 3rd beta. This one came back at 3. I was told to stop all meds, and that they call this a biochemical or chemical pregnancy. For those of you not familiar a chemical pregnancy is another term for a very early miscarriage (around 5 or 6 weeks). I was pregnant but the embryo didn't continue to grow or didn't implant completely/correctly. How we so desperately hoped that God would somehow bless us and intervene with some type of miracle.


Its amazing how easy it is to quickly spiral back down to the bottom. How this one test result creates a domino effect of everything that is suddenly wrong in our lives. I had hoped that with reading the Bible that I would find some comfort or confidence that I could fall back on. Instead I just think of all the early chapters that we have went through that indicate that children are a blessing and situations of those who were being punished or were clearly not blessed would not have children. It shouldn't be so easy to feel so low about your self in the eyes of God no less. All I hear is of his love and I want to feel it like everyone else seems to. I don't want to sound like I don't have faith or that I am questioning God or faith. I know the verses that say that he will have great things for us and that its his plan not ours. I just wish I knew if those plans were one in the same. And in the meantime I feel so left out and alone.


Lately I've tried so hard to not compare my situation to where anyone else is in their life. Its hard because I don't want to compare, but everyone around me is having kids, is waiting for us to have our kids, making plans and dreams about our kids playing together, etc. I just feel like I'm on the outside of some club waiting to get in. I want to do these things! We have been ready! Liam should be playing with my friends and families kids. I should be doing all the things we planned to do with him in addition to his sibling we would have had by now. How perfectly it would have all worked out. I'm working so hard on a dream that is out of my control. I'm happy that I don't feel spiteful, or jealous, I just feel like there's something wrong with me. It feels so lonely. So un-relatable, cruel and isolating. I turn to a lot of my support groups with fellow IVFers. Its so amazing when they have successful rounds and they get to move on with their life with a promising pregnancy. But its also so hard when you see others that have had 6+ rounds with no luck at all and even worse, watch those stop pursuing at all because they simply are drained of funds or of the mental and physical demands that it takes. People say it will happen, and it can, But I've also seen so many examples of when it just doesn't. Ever. I feel so crazy wanting something so badly.


On top of all of this with myself, the worlds issues also pile up making me feel even smaller and more insignificant. Terrorist attacks, shootings, police shootings, politics, the election.... I just wish things were simpler, purer. I don't know how the world became this. It makes me fearful of so much. It makes me question so much.


How easy it is to wallow in self pity... I hate it deeply. I hate sharing it. But more so I would hate for anyone else to feel that they are the only one that feels this way. Its okay to feel this way.... Its a healthy stage in grief. Its necessary. I spend a good day earlier this week when I came to terms with the outcome dealing and feeling this way. Today it was all opened up again when we got the final call.


Yet, still, somehow I feel calm. I feel like it still isn't the end and that we just need to keep going. As much as it hurts, we've been through this and worse before and we will be okay. I'm so thankful to have such a rock of an amazing husband who puts up with my roller coaster of emotions and is hand in hand with my on this journey. A husband who's been nothing short of supportive, positive, loving and caring through it all. No matter the end result I know I will be okay with him. I still believe that God has a plan for us and I have to believe its wonderful. I still intend to continue reading his word with Justin and grow from it. We still have 7 chances at this. I'm not as far to even think about the timeline to expect, fathom the funds, or prepare myself physically and mentally yet, but we still have 7 chances. Seven healthy, disease free frozen in time chances. I am more overwhelmed by those blessings alone that it helps me see past the bad. If Liam wants more time being an only child and is busy picking out the most perfect beautiful souls to send down to us then so be it. We will always have his memory. If it wasn't for the life changing love that we got to experience through him I don't know that we would even have the strength to keep fighting this hard. He changed us forever.


One day, we will have the best most amazing happy news to share with everyone. It will be one of the best days of my life. I really hope that this is finally the end of the bad and that things can only get better from here on out. It does in a way comfort me to know that so many of the happiest parts of my life haven't even happened yet and that they are to come. I cant thank everyone enough for being on this wild ride with us over the last two years and always showing support and love. We are very blessed. We love you all, and thank you.