I was SO anxious, stressed, worried, excited, scared, nervous, depressed, restless, frustrated, impatient, and just, ugh, all if it.... x 1,000. I have been so wrapped up in it all. To the point that I couldn't sleep at night, because I literally could not stop thinking about it all. Its all I want in the world to have a family. To have a baby that is healthy and home with us. Its my biggest dream of all dreams. Between missing Liam and longing for that family feeling again, I've been a wreck. All these scenarios and fears would just run on repeat in my head. I would feel like I just laid in bed, with my eyes closed all night without sleeping for a minute. If I dreamt, it was about IVF or hospitals, or stress in general. Just once, JUST ONCE, I would love to just have a peaceful dream about Liam, something that would comfort me, and reassure me that he's handpicking a sibling, but instead, Ive just been 100% unable to stop stressing, wondering and worrying about it all, about what our future will hold.
I KNOW this is out of my hands.
I KNOW this is out of my contol.
I KNOW there is nothing I can do to "make" it happen.
I KNOW regardless of if we every have living children or not, that we will be "okay".
But I want it. So. Badly. Even with accepting all of these things and telling myself not to stress about it all, and giving myself endless discractions to give myself a break, It was obvoius I was failing miserably. I couldnt "turn it off". I would wake up thinking about everything - What could go wrong, what already has, what we have lost, what we should have...... Its consuming. Its awful. I just kept telling myself, to keep going, and it will all work itself out...
We had out baseline ultrasound and bloodwork appointment to get the green light to finally start injections. Simple appointment right? I truely believe this is what has been adding to my stress. I was so worried, that they would find something that would prevent this IVF round. My biggest "comfort" for this process in the beginning was my health. At least Im healthy! I have/had asmtha, but I lift and work out regularly and acomplished a half marathon, Ive got this! I was so happy that above everything else, I had my health. It would help my odds, everything would be great, and I had that on our side. When they told me about PCOS, I was hurt. I thought AT LEAST through all of this, that me, my eggs and ability to make a baby were what they should be. I think that knowing this made me feel more helpless. I think subliminally, I was so worried that my health would be another odd against us. I was starting to feel bad physically. I would get dizzy and feel my blood pressure rise for no reason. It was just constant reminders of everything that is wrong. I kept trying to stay positive, but it was a never-ending, exhausting process.
BUT - We had the appointment. Everything is GREAT! The ultrasound tech said that we were "boringly normal". THANK YOU!!! After hearing this, and getting the "okay" to start injections, it was just a relief! I was still so scared about the actual shots, but FINALLY! Finally WE get to actually get to do something! Since July this process has just been alot of payments, blood work, phone calls, and appointments. Now, we are starting it! I just wish I knew this is what had been bothering me this whole time.... What a torturos period of stress... For nothing...
SO! Stims night #1!
I was so scared. How hard do you push the needle in? Do you do it quick or slow? Jab or push!? And there's TWO of them!? I didn't even want to try it myself, so, in steps my big strong brave man husband, Dr. Schlosser. I chose the top of my legs for the injection site... I have to sit on my bottom all day so that was not ideal. My arms? Not a chance... and my stomach? EEKkkkk... I cant. My legs gave me less anxiety... So I went with that. I used an ice pack for about 20 minutes to numb the area ( I had heard that makes a great difference) while Dr. Schlosser measured the dosage, mixed the solutions and attached the needle. I was "okay" during this time... Still on a high from getting the green light to start.. Then he had the syringe in his hand, ready to go, about two inches from my leg.... All the panic in the world came over me in that one moment. He did it quickly because he knew I would just get more worked up. It poked. It burned. It bled. It was over. EASY!
The next one was more like a pen, same type of needle, but you had to hold it in the skin for 5 seconds after the medication was released. I was nervous about that, but, again, it was even less painful than the first one. The ice pack REALLY helped, I don't think I even felt the needle, just the medicine being pushed through. To be honest, I felt hot, and a little tingly from the shots, but I think it was more from being SO worked up and stressed about the idea of it than a reaction to the actual medication. I'm SO SO SO beyond thankful and appreciative of my husband. He's unbelievably dedicated, supportive and loving to me. I put two shots in his hand and he was SO gentle, focused, and kind. I may be getting a bit ahead of myself since this was only day one, but I'm really looking forward to these next two weeks and getting this part of the process going. I hope we get an abundance of eggs to start with - a percentage will be eliminated from fertilization problems, abnormal chromosomes, and ruled out from our genetic disorder. The more we have to start with, the more we should have after all the tests are complete. IF for any reason round 1 doesn't work, if we have remaining embryos, we wont have to repeat this part of the process for round 2, we would just be able to transfer our remaining embryos. That's very comforting to know as a backup option.
So far, Stim day #2 is going well. I'm not sure if I'm still just overly happy and excited from beginning everything or if its already the hormone overload, but I've been in a GREAT mood all morning, got myself out of bed on time (rare), and almost randomly started crying to two different songs from Adele's 25 albumn on my drive to work.... For no reason at all. My leg is barely sore, and I feel great! I know that the side effects will come and I will be more sore, etc. But, I'm hoping the rest of the process goes just as smoothly! Ill take all the happy I can get in the meantime!
Thank you (everyone) again for your continued love, support, positive thoughts and prayers. Please keep it coming! We love you all. - The Schlossers
Wish you good luck! Keep update us with the latest new step.
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