The New Year

This year has consisted of the happiest times I've ever experienced. Unfortunately it also consisted of the absolute worst.

My husband and I brought the most amazing perfectly beautiful baby boy in to this world after months of watching my belly grow, building a nursery, buying clothes, necessities, toys, and basking in the dreams of what our future was going to hold for the rest of 2014 and beyond. Everything was perfect. Then the worst and most unexpected happened.

Now after a funeral, mourning, and months genetic testing we have an empty nursery, scars, grief and a fate that guarantees us nothing. I was at least hoping that by Christmas, or at least New Years Eve we would at the very least be pregnant with a new glimpse of hope for the future. But, "just my luck" this is not the case.

I've obviously been in the most negative terrible mood. Also scrolling through social network feeds seeing everyone else's celebrations, milestones and new additions just adds to the pain. You'd think I'd have awful thoughts, or wish bad things for these people, naturally right? Out of pure jealous and anger, But I don't. I cant. I envy them. I envy all of them.

I could sit here all day and "wallow in self pity" as my husband loves to call it (when discussing other situations) but instead I'm trying to think of things in another perspective.

History has shown us SO much pain and despair. So many hard times. Wars, poverty, slavery, abuse, etc, to name a few. I was never interested in history until after I graduated so my knowledge is limited. Even things that go on today in other countries with families who literally starve. You think they don't also lose children, or loved ones. Do they mourn less? Diseases claim so many every day alone. Then to think of other cultures where children are raised to be warriors or used for worse. Even other perfectly healthy mothers and children that suffer from unexplained birth of a stillborn, experience SIDS or even further those who are not even able to carry or have children period. Do they deserve that? Of course not, but does it make it any less true?

I believe we didn't deserve any of this. No one does. We have been dealt some very unfortunate cards over the years but we have been given a lot of great things too. I have alot to be thankful for. More than I can put in to words. Its just hard to see it sometimes, or its easily taken for granted. Even though its harder for me to be thankful or positive on days like this, I need to humble myself. Who am I in the grand scheme of things? The world will not stop turning because of me. Feeling sorry for myself wont help anyone either. So, with a strained smile, I wish you all the very best in 2015 and years following after. Love your loved ones, and soak up every moment. Instead of focusing on new years resolutions, focus on life changes that will make you happier. Focus on the good. I know great things are in store for us also. All in good time. When its meant to be. In the meantime, Ill count all of my blessings, pursue happiness, honor my baby boy, and embrace the love I share with my husband.

It could ALWAYS be worse. Cheers to 2015.