The Love.

They say a picture is worth a million words. I couldn't agree more, but what I didn't expect is the flood of emotions that it can also be associated with one single photo. I've said it before, and Ill say it again, I'm beyond thankful for all the time I spent photographing little Liam James.


It feels like an eternity of standing still has passed by since the days that I had a newborn to have and hold. How quickly your life changes as you realize you have this teeny tiny perfect human to take care of, that's incapable of taking care of itself, and only wants your time, love, and care. Your previously peaceful existence is now filled with a constant need to ensure everything is done for this child. When he sleeps, you barely sleep. When he's away you swoon and concern yourself with his every move and sound questioning if he's okay or trying to decipher what he wants. Not to mention the hours that you get lost in just staring at their miraculous perfection. I was so scared of forgetting  what that would feel like. I expected to have additional children by this time to help me remember.

When I look back at pictures like this, It all just hits me again. We only had a month at home together, but that month was so fulfilling. I remember waking up in panics just wanting to make sure he was still here with us, breathing. I remember rocking him asleep as he would rebelliously look around his room while exploring his own fingers, wiggling them, intertwining them.  I remember just watching in awe and pulling him closer just to smell him more. I remember his warmth. I remember how he fit so perfectly in my arms. I remember the satisfaction of successful feedings. I was so happy to nourish him, and he enjoyed it so much. This little babe, only wanting milk and to be held. So simple. 


I remember the feeling of having so much love in my heart. Its such a different kind of love. You have love from your parents, family, and friends. They care for you; make you feel loved. You have a type of love from your significant other. That's a love that is valued differently because they have a choice to choose to love you without any obligations. Its a sacred, respectful, honored love.  You even have a special type of love from a pet. It may seem silly if you don't have a pet, but believe me, this is a need to feel needed type of love. Your pets love you unconditionally. They don't know any better, they just love, and you're their human, receiver of their love. The love from a child, is different than all of these.  You are the entire world to a child. They have known, trusted and loved you since before they were born. When they are born you are "home" to them. The rhythm of your heart soothes them. The sound of your voice reassures them. They look for you first when they wake up and greet you with the most innocent happy smile when they see you because you're their parent. That is a strong powerful pure type of love. I truly don't think you could imagine it without actually feeling it from a child.


That is what I miss. I miss his love. I miss feeling so loved from such a tiny beautiful person simply because I was his mom. Its indescribable. I can spend all the time in the world with my nephews and nieces, and they love me too, and I share special feelings and time with them. But at the end of the day, they too, just want their mom. That's when I'm reminded that, that's not me. And I envy the love that those Mom's feel from their children. I wanted to be that mom for Liam - forever. A picture like the one above, my life was complete. My heart was full. I had my husband, my pets, and my son close to me. This was everything I'd ever wanted. Now its a memory. I'm blessed its a memory I've gotten to experience, and Ill cherish forever.