Ill be honest and blunt - It was painful. But I believe at a certain level it should be. The pain doesn't take away the happy, its just there with it. The weather was cooling, the leaves continued falling, & I busied myself crafting gifts for my nieces and nephews. Especially with all of the burdens and costs of IVF we didn't participate in any gifts this year with the exception of two very inexpensive dirty Santas. I was doing fine. We decorated our house. We turned our lights on almost every night. We put up and dressed our tree. My husband, the amazing man he is, got me a coffee cup and gingerbread house to decorate (Im a coffee freak, and have never made a gingerbread house before [healthy distractions!]) early in December. We had the empty bag from those gifts under the tree so it wasn't so naked and sad. We hung our stockings, and got our puppies some new toys. I baked up a storm of cookies and treats for family and friends including some homemade cinnamon rolls with my sister. I made homemade chicken and dumplins for Christmas Eve Dinner. We made rounds to visit our four families (both our families are divorced and all live in Vegas with us). It was all very very nice. The hard parts were coming alone, just the two of us, when there should be an almost two year old running around with us, finally old enough to get excited for gifts. Another hard part was watching my nieces and nephews open their gifts from their amazing loving families and just wishing we were watching Liam do the same. Christmas morning was difficult. It was quiet. We slept in. We had coffee. We got ready for another day of visits. We came home, and the holiday was over. It was almost harder after it was over. We did it. We faced it. We were happy. But now it was over and somehow it still felt as if we just missed the whole thing, but really, I feel that Liam missed everything. I enjoyed all my time with all my family. My heart just aches missing our boy. But, of course I miss him. Of course I wish him here with us. But I was comforted in a lot of unexpected ways.
We did things for Liam on our own that made us feel better too. I made an ornament for our tree filled with his superman colors, one of his socks he wore, and mini photos of him. Its not a finished product yet, but it made be feel so much better seeing a piece of him on our tree. We also went to his memorial tree that was planted by our loved ones at one of our favorite parks (Angel Park where we took him a few times while he was with us). We were so happy and proud to see how much it had grown in just a year. We were able to place a special ornament for him there too.
Liam is everywhere with us. He is everywhere with our family and loved ones. His love and presence is strong. Our version of a new normal is becoming more normal. I'm so thankful for the peace that Ive found amidst of this loss. Im glad that Im not hardened by all of our losses. Im happy that I feel so comforted by our little boy so often. Its the next best thing since we cant have him here with us.
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