The Holidays

We did it. The first major holiday since Liam's passing. One of the first of many to come. The amount of plans and expectations I had for Halloween this year were never-ending. To think, I was more excited about this fall because I thought I would be planning a "baby's 1st birthday" rather than my excitement for the holidays. And, If you know me at all, I typically have ALOT of excitement for the holidays. I’m the pumpkin spice everything, baking, boot and scarf wearing, Disney movie marathon before going to Disneyland for the holidays, shopping, decorating, ice skating, candy passing, four Thanksgivings - type of holiday person. In April we were already planning a November Disneyland trip for Liam’s first visit. I already had a "baby’s first Christmas ornament for Christmas". I envisioned all of the sounds, smells, and experiences that would go along with the decorating, shopping, wrapping, baking and most of all - us waking up to his morning "get me out of this crib" cry on Christmas morning. What can I say - I’m a dreamer. I’m a believer. I’m a planner. All I did for the entire time we were pregnant was plan for the future with Liam in it.

So, to say the least - this year - I want nothing more than to actually bury myself under a rock and hibernate until it is over.

This year will be different. I didn’t put up one light, tombstone, sticker, black rose, or a single package of web at the house. I didn’t buy any candy. I didn’t watch my favorite Halloween favorites - Hocus Pocus, The Adams Family, or Nightmare Before Christmas....... I just couldn’t. The only decorating I did do, was for Liam’s headstone. I didn’t want anything scary for him, so I added a little Halloween sign, a small smiling pumpkin, a glow stick (what baby isn’t in awe of a glow stick!?) and a mini Minion (for some reason I like to think he can get into mischief with that little minion... Every little boy should get into a little mischief...) to add to the abundance of toys, flowers, windmills and lights that he already has from his wonderful supportive family.

Instead of the Halloween we previously envisioned, this year we visited Universal Studios Nights of Terror. It was a 13 and over event, so we had peace of mind that we could partake in something that wouldn’t be a constant reminder of what we were missing out on. Believe me, I could never take away the weight of what we are missing all together. We both live and breathe off the memories we do have with our son. But we do try to embrace a "break" from the constant struggles we have when we can in efforts to still enjoy our time together. It was really hard. And I still needed to look at my family's social media pages the next day to see how everyone dressed up and to see my little nephews, nieces and cousins so I didn’t feel like I completely missed it. I just couldn’t bear it ON Halloween.

I struggle every single day with finding something to be thankful for, something to look forward to, or something to be happy about. The things that used to bring me the most joy, now typically bring me the most sadness. Its truly not fair to me or anyone around me, but life’s not fair, and I am trying to deal with it. I read somewhere that it’s almost impossible to be "bitter" while being "thankful". I am thankful for many things. But sometimes it’s not enough to outweigh everything else that I don’t have to be thankful for that makes me bitter.

Justin and I already made the decision to "skip" the holidays this year. Halloween was the first, and now I’m even more confident in this decision. Even though we spent the day together in an adult setting avoiding the "Trick or Treaters", we had as good of a day as we possibly could have on Halloween being together alone. It’s equally heartbreaking not to be around our family’s. I’m a huge advocate for "live each day as your last" and each year we make a point to go to each of our four family’s for Thanksgiving and Christmas because it means that much to us to see everyone every year. I’ve put on the strong face for gatherings, birthdays, dinners, and parties. I’ve forced myself into the situations that I know will be hard. I braved through it and I keep doing so. I’m glad that I’m able to do so. However, the holidays aren’t something I want to brave through. I don’t want to feel like a storm cloud that reminds everyone of what’s missing. I don’t want anyone else to see me breakdown and I don’t feel like hiding it either. For me, I would rather ignore the "holiday" and just enjoy a day with my husband, so we can grieve together and alone peacefully in our own way and let our families do the same, in their own time and way. I know that our family wouldn’t mind, and that they would rather us be with them and that we could never be a burden, but I truly wouldn’t be able to be myself. I know I'd have to be overly sarcastic to lighten the mood. I know I would break in to tears at the drop of a hat and I couldn’t bear the look of pain on the face from whoever sees me. I’m not sure If Ill regret it later or not but I feel it’s the best I can do right now.

Please be comforted by knowing that we will not be holding each other and crying the day away in a dark corner somewhere. Please do not think that this applies to any other family gathering. We love to be with and around our family and friends. Whether it be birthday parties, baby showers, BBQ, etc., we still want to be there. It’s just THESE HOLIDAYS. It’s completely different. I’m not sure of a way to even explain it. We will just be spending the days doing something else, in the comfort of our own home, that is less "family oriented". As selfish as it might even sound, the way I feel about it now is that I just want to be with my husband.

I do hope everyone understands our wishes for this year. I can speak for both of us when I say to please, please enjoy your holidays. Celebrate, laugh, and make memories with your families. I’m confident that next year we should be in a better place to resume our family traditions. If we are lucky enough to have our prayers answered, maybe we will even have a "plus one" in attendance.