I've went through a lot of emotions dealing with the taking of our son. I've been pretty numb but still able able to put a smile on and face family, friends and the rest of the world. When you ask, I'll say "I'm okay" and I am. I'm not at a dangerous life threatening place. But lately I've just been mad, ugly, bitter, jealous, envious, hateful and just plain mean. Not that I act on these emotions, but I can't help them running through me alongside the constant sadness. It's something I can't push away or over come. I'm not sure I even want to. I feel like I should feel it, especially because my greatest fear is forgetting. That's usually how I cope. I come to terms, accept, pray, count my blessings and block out the bad. I'm unable to do that now. Because forgetting the bad would erase the amazing life changing two months I did have with my son. I need to remember. And with that, is pain.
It's hard to explain. But seeing people who in my judgement are undeserving, selfish, addicts, or just plain bad people have these families of perfect amazing babies has been harder and harder to see. I don't mean the people who are changed by their children because that's how it should be. But some people just don't appreciate it. Or they don't show it. Your life should be forever changed for the better. However, Those who do not change and continue to be selfish - It's hard to tolerate this or to reason with the explanation as to why they deserve to have this life when I don't. I did it "right". I have only, in my life, been with one man and one man only. I married that man. I waited until I was married and I CHOSE to have children. I already suffered a miscarriage after deciding to try. I thought I deserved this. I was thankful. I was happy. I was patient. I was grateful and happy to take care of my son. Change him. Clean him. Feed him. Even to justbfinallybhave him home. I was SO happy and thankful. I did not take it for granted. Sure I joked like the next person about the daily struggle. But I knew what I had. That could sound selfish I know, but it's how I feel. Not that I'm better than anyone, but I know I wasn't worse than other situations Ive seen. So why?
Also, why as I try, so hard, to stand on my own two feet, be strong, and still be kind am I constantly being kicked back down. Simple things like seeing pregnant people, pregnancy announcements, families with newborns, seeing those that have what I want. And the timing of it! Always. I know I can't NOT see it. It's everywhere. But sometimes it's like "Really!? Now!?" Then simpler things like my own body or my face, or getting ready in the morning. I still have to suffer with hair loss, acne, losing eyelashes, swollen eyes, etc, the normal post pregnancy things. But it's to the extent of not even being able to get ready for the day. Going up and down in weight even though I can barely eat and still continue to work out. Finding NEW stretch marks spots NOW - AFTER the pregnancy?? When I weigh what I did before pregnancy. ALL I want to do is put on my normal face and be presentable. But now I can't even do that without suffering and feeling horrible. Why am I feeling guilty about still feeling happy for others but envious at the same time. It's not that I want less for them, but I wanted it for myself, and heaven forbid, even a family of my own. I don't understand why I was less deserving. Why when I've asked for simple signs if hope and positivity am I seeing things that knock me down. Maybe I'm just not noticing the good because things are so dark. Either way it's tempting to give up, but, then what.
I hate having such dark mean thoughts. Being in a constant angry state. It's not who I am. It's not who I've ever wanted to be. I try to change it. But sometimes I simply cannot. I love all my friends and family and I don't mean this to be against any of them. I love them. I need them. I am so happy for them. They bring me light. I just wish I could so the same in return. It's the rest of the world. I'm tired of the ugly.
I am okay. I don't want to be worried about. I'm just trying to sort things out. Hearing from others in similar situations does help. That's why I want to put this out there. All I can do is my best and hope for a brighter tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment